/lit/ - Literature

Some tard trying to get dune on the ayn rand tier and therefore banned.

But the jokes on him, because nobody gives a shit about /lit/ in the first place....

And if they did, he'd just be banned

>>826010
genuis

love it, and I also loves dem pics

>>825930
B+ or A- at uni, probably A- in high school

just a guess

I liked the premise of this one, it really reminds me of the type of poetry I've been writing myself- that kind of mythic being-meets-man thing.

Overall, pretty good. Just work on it a bit more and you'll have a DIAMOND.

>>825923
''you now understand, my brother in pain,
That I am hated by all and loved by none.
if only you would remember me ever again,
then perhaps my anguish would be gone.''
And at that, a tear trickled down his cheek,
and I understood his awfully cruel fate.
For in ruling time there is only bliss to seek,
but anguish is eternally his only mate.

At that I awoke, alone in my bed,
like nothing had happened,
>like nothing had happened is a little rough
this time the clock hit two instead,
I wondered if I had it all dreamt.

But then I looked at the floor,
and I saw a teardrop.
for him my heart will always be sore,
revering him and his noble job.
>the ending phrase is a little weak, make it rhyme at least.

>>825922
''And when we forget the feeling,
of hard earned reward and happiness.
>”hard earned” is discordant
Or the reward that patience does heal,
then we feel bliss all the less.''

And I fell on my tired knees,
and I begged him forgiveness.
Scared, I humbly said ''please...'',
begged if he would let this pass.

''No'' he said, ''for without time,
there is no passing of pain.
Without the clocks hourly chime,
this cold will drive you insane.'
>”this cold will drive you insane” wut. Mention cold a bit earlier if you want to set that up.
I stood up and said I understood,
that he must be the unhappiest man.
Giving bliss to all around so good,
while being alone is everything he can.

Time looked at me and he was still,
and as I waited for another lecture,
about that being alone is his will,
I noticed his voice being less sure.

>>825919
'Now I am here to finally show you,
>”I am here” appears twice very quickly, mix it up a bit
how it is that my task is truly cursed.''
>feels like a good break point here, but you'll need to reorganize the leftovers if you do that /suggestion
I wondered if what he said was true,
if anyone else had met him, I am the first?
>”I am the first?” just strikes me as awkward. Perhaps “am I the first?” is a better fit

Then I felt a cold washing over my skin,
>you should precede this by some action to give the reader an idea what is going on, methinks
and a sharp pain ripping apart my heart.
'' You feel nothing any more, we are kin,
>You should change “You Feel nothing” to “You will feel nothing”/suggestion
for to rule time, with all bliss you part.''

''If there is no waiting for bliss,
Then bliss becomes ordinary life.
When all of life feels like a kiss,
we forget the feeling of strife.''

>>825917
>I was wondering is trying to rhyme too hard. It us passable, but a little discordant

The rain stopped pounding the glass,
but I paid no heed to this deaf tone.
Suddenly I heard the words ''silent at last'',
>again, show don't tell on suddenly. Remove that motherfucker and replace
Shocked I was, was I not all alone?
>”Shocked was I, that I was not all alone” prehaps? /suggestion
I sat up and an old man was there,
grinning from underneath his brim hat.
I was too shocked and all I did was stare,
>I was too shocked is showing, not telling
wickedly smiling, on my chair he sat.
>you didn't exactly set up the chair, so you better tell us WHAT CHAIR you're talking about

''who are you?'' I could barely stutter,
while I stared at his ancient face.
''my name is time'' he did calmly utter,
And disbelief now showed on my face.

''I am here because you cursed me,
time and time again every day.
You said that you wished to be free,
to have ''your'' time in your play.''

'Twas a rainy summer night,
the night of this curious tale.
>you use night twice in short succession, consider mixing the language up a bit
'Twas then that I found insight,
>Same thing with Twas
why this cruel balance is so frail.
>cruel balance does not really flow rhythmically, I'd say possible rephrasing

The clock hit one and the stars shone ,
>”the” clock? Possible rephrasing?
Until the world was suddenly silent.
>remove suddenly and replace with another word. Show, don't tell.
I layed in bed, figured I was all on my own,
>I LAY in bed, not LAYED FUUUUUU
and I was wondering what ''time'' meant.

>>825825
but do me a favour and post text so I can line-edit.

split it up into several bits, and remove any special characters

>>825813
I'll do it

>>825818
no

problem?

>>825794
your style has been critiqued

The Night land

I had one guy call it back when /lit/ was good. I suspect he's gone now

you take that back

>>823581
Nah, every post brings us closer to reaching a million get

>>823543
waht a twissssst

YOU CAN GET THE FUCK OUT

>>823529
shit dawg, do I know you?

I post on /adv/ aaaaallll the time

lol'd at the idiot stupid enough to post with a trip.

the mods have a price on your head, boi

>>823500
that is KY you tard

the stupid and insignificant lives of people who post "what will you write about" threads on /lit/

lol'd at short attention span