/lit/ - Literature

Guys I actually wasn't looking for you to take my grammatical errors, I can do that myself if I ever decided to revise the text.

I'm asking if it's too simple, or too bland, or too conventional, etc.

>>3840245
>>>/b/

>>3840202
>does she really not know

She doesn't know, it explicitly states that she can't remember the lyrics.

>Gregorian, you mean?

Yes, auto-correct and all.

>>3840211
*past tense

And I did not intend to use the past tense.

>>3840214
I'm not really looking forward to publishing this story. I'm mostly trying to find better ways of thespian expressionism in English.

>>3840194
She's in India --- and I did mean a cigar, not a cigarette. Though it might cause confusion, so I'll add some adjective such as 'thick' or 'left the room filled with stench of his cigar'.

Is using 'stench' correct here?

>>3840169
Thanks. But I think people DO smoke cigarettes after sex.

>this is a bit shit

Why?

>>3840181
I meant to write sewn, I think auto-correct messed up.

I'm making 'obvious mistakes', yes, but I'm trying to learn as I go along. I feel this batch of words I just cooked up tastes better than the last one.

>>3840165
I'm bisexual.

Oh you're insulting me.



Hey, /lit/. What is your opinion on my prose? Thanks.

---

Beneath the warmth and comfort of the quilt, Ingrid was trying to remember the lyrics to The Twelve Days of Christmas. She could not recall whether it was geese which lied, or the swan that flee, or vice versa ― she had been away from home for a long time, going to places and dimensions where Georgian calendar came up short. Her groom, a man of Tamil ancestry, of a Warrior caste, finally put out his post-coital cigar and exited the dark, quite room where their marital bed was sanctimoniously placed. It was now or never.
Ingrid wrapped her bare body around the silk bridal gown, sown by her mother-in-law whom she would never see again, and headed for the window. She looked at the dark alley, lit by the dim street lamp to find her partner in crime, but he surprised her by leaping out of the oak wardrobe behind her.
-----

>>3799503
Thanks, I'll analyze the shit out of them now. This is the first time I have been determined to do something in my long span of life, and three months ago, when I turned twenty, I realized I have achieved absolutely nothing. I will fucking write this book and I will make it into an RPG.

I don't care if a bunch of trolls on 4chan insult me.

>>3799494
>>3799500
Writing comprehensibly and using my brains is exactly what I'm trying to do. In fact, this thread made me realize I should strip my works off from the slightest purplism, avoid metaphors, use short descriptions, and set the atmosphere with interactions and events instead of indulging in use of thesaurus.

Thus, I started working on this story on a different angle. This is what I have written so far, what do you think?

"The small town of Karmania was built on a sizable piece of arable land in the vast desert of the Inner Kingdom. There was no source of freshwater near so the residents relied on their massive canals of Kariz for irrigation and consumption. Huge farms of wheat, barely, and millet provided them with commodities, and most people lived in gardens which provided them with nourishing fruits and vegetables. There stood a vital stronghold some parsangs south of them, and another garrison northwards of the town. Soldiers and curriers riding from one to another always stopped there to rest, thus providing townspeople with a solid commerce.

Inner Kingdom was infamous for its prisons, one of which was built not far from Karmania. Naiband, it was called, and it housed not bandits, thieves, murderers or rapists, but those who were deemed treacherous to the empire, people whose scrutiny of the matters put welfare of kings and nobles in jeopardy. It has become an expression, in fact, to “take someone to Naiband”, when commoners and plebeians talked about wrongful accusations.

On a hot Sunday afternoon, Marku Melani, a young man of twenty-six, stopped in Karmania on his way to Naiband prison. He tied his exhausted stallion in front of a crowded tavern, and changed from his dusty linen attire which clung to his body perspiring to the long ride under the desert sun. Two boys, playing with marbles before his arrival, approached him, and offered to take care of his horse. Marku gave them a handful of brass coins and stepped inside the tavern.

>>3799488
Can you suggest some 'good' written books and some 'excellent' written books, and some 'perfect' written books and in contrast, horribly written books?

>>3799455
I plan to, right after people stop insuling me and tell how I can perfect my work. This is hard for me, because as a non-native speaker, I have no perception of what makes a perfect prose. It's like a blind man weaving a carpet.

I wish I could collaborate with a native speaker who would give me some pointers. My main aim is perfecting my storytelling techniques, I do not wish to write a masterpiece.

And one other thing. What you're saying is actually Arab folklore (and not mythology. Semitic mythology is called theology), or in other words, Persian tales translated to Arabic and carried to Europe. I absolutely despise Arabs. I wish to write fiction based on Indo-European Iranic lore, asura, angra, diva, magis etc.

A little article could help clearing out your mind:

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/PersianMythology

>>3799459
You're right. I think he's shamelessly samefagging too.

>>3799437
>A lot of people with religious beliefs have been great writers, and you're certainly not better than them.

I said, that is what makes me better than my countrymen.

>Oh god, this is just tragic.

You're just insulting me because you know any degree of criticism will improve my work, albeit not greatly.

>>3799440
Why?

>>3799443
And I'm a meth addict goldfish who lives in the Bronx.

>>3799431
I did not come here to be praised, I came here to be criticized, but that is not criticism, that is insult.

>>3799418
I am different from most my countrymen. I am an atheist which makes me superior to any person with religious beliefs, which are dime a dozen in my country. And I have ambitions beyond their limited spectrum of possibilities, I am different from those who pursue security lest scrutiny in matters of life and existence bewilders them, as such, they believe in a filthy Semitic Arabic camel-fucker god who created them and that's that, they open their mouths for the Orwellian semen for which they have been yanking cocks for years.

I feel superior to most people, in fact. To those pairs of testicles and sperm banks who walk outside, polluting the earth with their mere existence. I believe I can achieve things and I will.

>>3799423
You are a random person on the internet, you do not get to tell me if I do or do not have talent.

>>3799399
>You are shit at writing

Yes, because everyone who has ever done something worthwhile started off as an expert, right?

Now that I compare my first works (I started two weeks ago) with what I'm writing today, I do not doubt for a second that I'm heading uphills.

This was some of the paragraphs I wrote a week ago:

>Clouds decided they are tired of staying there, so they moved and let the full moon shine on Sir Warren’s mansion and the nearby village. The mansion was modern, but the village had been there for centuries. Houses were built in front of a hill, row built upon row, in a manner that it resembled a staircase. Only one peasant could be spotted praying the Mohammadan way in front yard of his shack, which was in fact, rooftop of another house below, with a few dozen pitchers on its front yard, which in turn, was rooftop of yet another house below, with nothing to decorate the front yard-roof combination but an old rug.

I'm trying to perfect my work, and maybe I will. I'm a student of English literature for fuck's sake, and I'm an avid C# programmer. I can do shit, I don't need you belittling my ambitions because you 'think' I'm a terrible person.

Yes, what I write today, only after two weeks of trying and practicing, is shit. But that doesn't mean it won't improve over the course of time.

>>3799401
>What makes you think you're any different.

It's funny how people say "they hate you because you're a terrible person not because of your nationality" only for you to pop up and prove my suspicions of your racist, xenophobic culture.

>>3799370
Alright, let's hate me because of what I am. There's no redemption, I was born to be resented. No friends, no girlfriends, sitting alone in my dismal room on a carpet reeking of semen, with no skills, no prospects, no expectations, destroying my young body with tobacco and drugs. For I was born with all limbs and a perfectly healthy brain, but I was born in a poor family, in a dimwitted country and surrounded by uncreative people. People don't need to meet me or know me to hate me, they just have to know where I'm from to resent me. What a deviant life, what a coarse fate.

>>3799358
Jean-Jacques Rousseau went around Paris leaving his bastard children on doorsteps. People do not care, they still read his works to this day.

>>3799363
Thank you, kind gentleman. Anymore comments on my country and me?

>>3799357
Read >>3799323

>>3799342
>You won't get published because you're a thoroughly unpleasant person

And you deduce that by reading my posts on the internet?

>>3799343
It's not discrimination. They are right, my people are uneducated religious pissants who do not bother fixing the Orwellian shithole they crafted because of MUH RELIGION, otherwise I would not have been writing in English. They deserve the hate they get and I hope Americans lynch the entire population of Westwood, LA. Nevertheless, I'm neither religious, nor a common pissant and I do not like to be treated the same as them.

>>3799348
Hey, there's a person trying to learn from people on the internet! Let's smear him because of his personal opinions!

>>3799332
As I said, I'm not aiming for a perfect or even a decent literary work, for even if I had the skills, no English publication would touch it, based on the unfortunate fact that first, they hate me because of my nationality and second, English is not my first language. I learned it a week ago.

My aim is to practice in creating fiction for other forms of media.

>>3799312
Of course, you silly goose. I'm Iranian and an avid scholar on history of Indo-European people (my mom said so when she tucked me in last night). If anything, I'm afraid this brainchild of mine would be too abstract for other people for the exact same reason, stereotypes, racism and pop history.

>>3799288
Yeah, I stick with the 'Write what you know' discipline but sometimes I fuck up.

>>3799291
Well Arabian Nights was written centuries before 9/11 and it's part of the whole stereotypical depiction of the orient within Western culture. I'm writing a fantasy based on Indo-European Iranic lore which is alien even to those people themselves. An Indo-European fantasy based on the Orient is something undone to this day.

Unrelated question, do you think people are set off by genuine oriental settings? No the crappy Aladdinesque theme park version, real with all the factual history.

>>3799254
I did not know that. Thanks.