/Crit/ - Critique Thread

[Anonymous No.15369581]

Post your writing, get critique, give critique.

RULES:
1) OP must wait until 3 unique posts to post themselves
2) Put larger submissions into an image or pastebin
3) Crit someone before / as you post in order to receive criticism.

[Nursing Watch No.15369938]

Passing through my fingers,
These bone white digits,
A black wristband.

Pulsing round the face,
This blood red minute
Gave life to time

And paused before midnight.
The giver gave in;
My mother died.

[Anonymous No.15369948]

These threads can be comfy but 3/4ths of the 'critiques' people shit out are really dire. Before you heed any anon's advice, remember what Neil Gaiman says -- when people say writing is bad they are usually right; when they say WHY it's bad they're almost always wrong.

[Anonymous No.15369998]

>>15369938
Pretty tidy poem. If I had to nitpick, I don't like the redundancy of 'fingers' in the first line, and 'digits' immediately following. I think that 2nd line could carry more information than "my fingers are white like bone".

RIP in peace anon's mom

[Anonymous No.15370014]

>>15369998

Thanks. I'm comparing my fingers to the (numerical) digits of the watch face

[Anonymous No.15370022]

Not too sure about this one, think it's got some potential alrough sort of feels like two separate really short poems, maybe could use a third stanza to bring it all back together. What do yous think?

[Anonymous No.15370037]

>>15370014
Oh shit I missed that.

[illiterate (www.larthurhunt.co(...) No.15370040]

>>15369938

Not a poetry guy but I guess this is comfy. Not sure what the reference to the wristband is about. Based on the preceding lines you'd think you're referring to a wristband on your fingers.

[Anonymous No.15370056]

>Would you keep reading? This is the opening stretch of my novel about biking across the country with my childhood friend.

2019.

When we start, it’s raining. Our tires are pumped full. The tape on the handlebars taut. Unfrayed. Our hands are wet and ungloved. Knuckles blanched, skin pale, faces shaven. The bones in our knees and wrists and fingers move painlessly, without clicks or cracks. We are new and hopeful. We feel hysterical. Silent also. We are vibrating behind the eyes. We could explode.

Like that, my mother’s street ends. Catwalks and courts give way to a paved trail running along a creek. Through the heart of town.

“That’s three kilometers down,” says Ben, reading the speedometer on his bike stem.

“Forty-five hundred to go?”

The trail runs under a bridge that carries the highway separating our hometown from the fallow fields of the adjoining township.

Under bridge cover, Ben slows abruptly. His wet brake calipers squeal as he stops. I nearly smash into him. Like bumper cars, my front bags bounce into his rear bags. Two in the front, two in the back, like limbs. And one, like a head, on the handlebars. From a bird’s eye, they resemble a person.

He says, “Let me check the map. Before we get lost.”

I say, “For what?”

He says, “A convenience store.”

I say, “What for?”

“Smokes.”

“Already?”

Sheltered from the rain, we stare at our phones. We thumb at the screens, zoom in and out, search for the way. Rainwater drapes over the edge of the bridge, like stage curtains.

“This is weird,” I tell Ben. “It’s like years’ worth of pressure is being let go.”

“Yeah,” he says. “I could puke.”

He spits into the weeds sprouting in the cracks of the pavement.

“It’s a strange feeling,” I say. “Knowing you’re riding headlong into what will probably be the best thing that will ever happen to you.”

“I can’t tell if that’s optimism or pessimism talking.”

“Optimism,” I stutter.

“We’ve already gone a respectable distance.”

“Yeah, what if we went back?”

“And called this whole thing off.”

“Now’s our chance.”

“Alright,” he says, dropping the act. “We’re all set. I know the way. Let’s get out of here.”

[Anonymous No.15370066]

>>15370037

Does it seem better now?

>>15370040

Thanks. The wristband is the watch's. I thought that might be clear given the poem's title (which I put in the subject line). It's black in the same way people wear black bands on their arms when someone dies

[illiterate (www.larthurhunt.co(...) No.15370156]

>>15370066

Ah, yeah, missed that. Makes more sense now. Yeah, I like it.

[Anonymous No.15370158]

>>15369581
My dick, it is hard.
I look up.
Fatgirl.mp4 onscreen, staring at me.
I don't even like fatties.

How did I cum to this?
I close google chrome,
Incognito of course.

If I think about,
The purpose of my life now,
It isn't to fap.

To fap is to indulge in the ephemeral.
To avoid the porn you must look into the future,
the future in which you realize,
after the fap nothing is gained,
and the ego is lost.

This was my last fap,
I am better now, I am fixed.

Days pass.

DAMN SHE'S HOT AND CHUNKY LET ME WANK.
Cycle continues.

[Anonymous No.15370160]

>>15370022
I'm not the best with poetry, so everything I say, take it with scepticism.
I feel like the rhymes are a bit forced, like 'ants' and 'dissonance' or 'dawn' and 'home'. Also, the 'white as dice' simile should be gone, and instead, add an adjective before the 'lights'. Something like 'blinding', 'stark white', 'fluorescent'.

Aside, I think that the two stanzas go well together. Perhaps you could expand on the imagery and metaphor that you are trying to build.

[Anonymous No.15370180]

A few days ago I came up with a character concept for an epic fantasy and wrote a sort of 'prologue' detailing that character's motivation. It is 1.5k and I wrote it in about an hour and haven't seen it since, so it probably has some mistakes. I know it may seem a bit long, but it is a 5min read. I won't be working in this project for some time since I haven't developed it much, and I already have another novel in the works. Still, I want some crit on my writing style as English is not my native language, and if the concept is good enough to catch people's attention.

Here's the link:
https://docdro.id/Ibw5EYN

[illiterate (www.larthurhunt.co(...) No.15370218]

>>15370180

Better than expected. I especially liked the line about the fly crawling out of her mouth and flying away. It's a clear, visceral image. The last paragraph seems a bit too on the nose. I'd suggest leaving some things out. That internal stuff about how these were his first tears of joy and how he's on a mission to end the world's pain seems a bit trite. Maybe boil that paragraph down to a single line exposing how his mind's been changed.

[Anonymous No.15370233]

>>15370158
This reads like Coronameron material

[Anonymous No.15370412]

>>15369938
If I were to interpret it it would feel as though the speaker sees and feels the passage of time wearing away at him/her, and is often reminded of both the beginning and end of life.

I think the first two lines sound very nice together, but that flow is kind of interrupted.The entire second stanza has a very nice flow, same with the third. The bluntness of the last line was unexpected, to me.

>>15370022
Maybe it is just me, but I can't find a comfortable rhythm to read this at.
The second and third lines are kind of weird. not sure why the semi-colon is there either. some of the rhymes are nice though. I'm not an expert though, and I don't read too much poetry.

>>15370056
This isn't really along enough excerpt to know for a lot of people, at least double this would be better. Even rereading some lines it took a very short time to read.
Also, a lot of your sentences are very short, there are a lot of periods. I think it's a good start, but is it interesting to read?

I guess I can post so I can show just how ignorant I am. I wrote this in a few minutes because I'm not sure why. It was written with a melody/tune in mind so the pacing may be weird as a poem. I don't have a proper title.

[Anonymous No.15370550]

>>15370056
I would keep reading. I like the style even if it's not perfect. Also, why present tense?

[Anonymous No.15370586]

>>15370056
As >>15370412 mentions, the flow is somewhat repetitive. It feels almost forced, like I'm reading a Medium article or something. The opening lines (up to "We could explode."), along with "Knowing you’re riding headlong into what will probably be the best thing that will ever happen to you." are particularly guilty. I picture some generic mid-20s "entrepreneur" speaking over royalty-free inspirational music, replacing the cycling references with whatever the fuck they do in Silicon Valley these days.
I'm torn saying that, though, because you clearly have a knack for imagery. "Rainwater drapes over the edge of the bridge, like stage curtains." was a particularly good line. Your dialogue's really snappy as well, and you do a very good job at interspersing speech with action. If you tone down the stylization just a bit (and don't open your novel with "2019", for God's sake), you could very well have something great on your hands. This especially so if you've got some interesting stories to include along the way.

[Anonymous No.15370649]

The poems
In the thread
Get more feedback then
Anything I post
But what
Frustrates me the most
Is a lack of understanding
Of structure
Of prose
And constant meandering
Good work gets got
Bad work will flourish
Anonymous postings
With only selfish intentions
Find merit
Only in creation
No community built
Solidarity lacking
How much time
Will you put in
For a singular
(You)?

[Anonymous No.15370661]

The moans of the hardwood which cover the floor of the house will at times give me the illusion that I am not alone. I feel a heavy breeze outside on the porch, the aging wood swelling in the rapidly dropping air pressure, finally given room to breathe, as if the vacuum created by the outward winds invites the dead to dance. They all left with the storms, can’t recall a dry season in the past 4 summers. Hard to grow anything at all left in the newly formed marsh, save for cattails and pussy willows, along with a distaste for wet shoes. None of which will do one any real good.

Will, and Jepet, and John, and all the others packed up and left. No good here, can’t grow tomatoes underwater, and if you could, the lack of consistency would kill the drowned berry fields long before the gators got to ‘em. Two days of monsoon, three days of sun, three days of monsoon, one day of sun, turning riverbeds to cracked muddy fields, to spotted ponds, back into a miniature Mississippi. Almost fast enough for me to sit on the porch and look out on the carnage, watching the high speed loop of growth and decay. Roadside farm stands to an enclosed shack, to a small store, to a multi-truck operation, a final peak of capitalistic ecstasy before the proprietors saw the dark clouds rolling in and got spooked, skipped down, leaving whatever they built to die. I miss John. Breeze is picking up again, rains from the west coming in. I grab my empty dinner plate from the floor of the deck and head inside, kicking what’s leftover onto the dirt for the dogs to pick at. Even they are getting thin.

I come inside and place my plate on the kitchen table, the first raindrops of the storm begin hitting the window above the sink. Slow enough to count at first, then picking up and accelerating into infinity. I remember what John said to me the last night before he left without a word, when we were sitting on my back porch, drinking and watching the birds play. “Rains’ll fill up the Lord’s cup, farmers round here just need to take a sip”. I didn’t know what he meant. I feel stupid for not asking. The next morning, he was gone. For sale signage crudely plastered on his front lawn. Pig prints still fresh in the mud. Thunder rattles the glass of the windows. I hear the songs of the dead, my father and mother’s waterlogged graves by the shed. I am surrounded by empty swamp. There isn’t a human alive in miles.

[illiterate (www.larthurhunt.co(...) No.15370761]

>>15370586

Thanks man. I guess this is the kind of reassurance we all come here for. Yeah, there are stories aplenty. That's the whole point really. Use pointlessly cycling across the country and, in revealing the stories, the ride becomes subtlety less pointless. Like Zen and the Art but with a Millennial/Gen Z flare, possibly. I wanted to ham up the choppiness in the opening section and then gradually, as the novel progresses, elongate sentences and adopt a more conventional style to reflect the changing of my internal thought processes from neurotic, cooped-up white collar kid to hardened, socialized, empathetic young man - you know, classic coming of age stuff. But I wanted that gear switch symbolized in the prose itself.

[Anonymous No.15370792]

>>15370649
Your third line should be "than", not "then" —
But what you say is true. Amen!
One's time could better be employed
Than striving to impress a void.

[Anonymous No.15370833]

This is a crack I had at a (very) short story. Would appreciate any feedback, and opinions on whether it's worth expanding.

https://pastebin.com/jdYvZAsX

>>15369938
Nice and clean. I like the running theme of the wristwatch which is not explicitly stated, and I like "The giver gave in".

>>15370022
The use of a semicolon is a bit strange to me. Also it's ambiguous whether the train station tortures the lifeless conversation, or whether the lifeless conversation is the torturer; the former is implied but doesn't make much sense to me. I like the first two lines of the second stanza. The last three lines feel a bit forced to me (e.g. dice/mice), and the analogy of the skyward mines and conscious mice is maybe too much on the wrong side of ambiguous. Overall it has potential imo, but needs a clearer message. I get that you don't want it to be too obvious but speaking for myself it needs a little more to invest in the analogies.

>>15370056
The prose is readable and fairly compelling. I like the line beginning "Sheltered...", and the cutting between dialogue and sparse descriptions works quite nicely imo. I could read a chapter before I decided to read the rest, but I'd probably want some more plot/drama/conflict or more beautiful prose/description to want to keep reading after that.

>>15370180
Caveat that I'm not a huge fantasy person and a lot of it reads very same-y to me with the settings etc. It's readable and a compelling origin story for an anti-hero/righteous villain, imo. It does suffer a bit from some overuse of adjectives, like the very first sentence ("bony arm", "restless sun"). A few small mistakes like "split" should be "spilt", and "he didn't break a bone" I'd change to "he hadn't broken a bone". I like the mention of the shaking and the waves, it's subtly done, though one my first read I didn't get that this was a later incident than the battle. I think the prose needs refining overall and the "shouting at the sky" imagery is maybe overdone but it's a good start. I'd read more.

[Anonymous No.15370835]

>>15370792
Y’know I actually typed than and thought it looked weird and replaced it with then. Thanks for the tip anon. Funny stuff.

[Anonymous No.15371021]

bump

[Anonymous No.15371116]

>>15370761
That makes a lot more sense, but do you think that it will keep a reader engaged long enough to realize, or would you put that in your foreword? It's an interesting idea, the thought o it interests me more now that I understand the reason for it.

[Anonymous No.15371250]

Not sure that translation really counts in these threads. Anyway here are some short pieces from Martial. I'm trying to nail his chatty, informal, shitposter tone, rather than going for literal accuracy.

---

>Quaero diu totam, Safroni Rufe, per urbem,
>si qua puella neget: nulla puella negat.
>Tamquam fas non sit, tamquam sit turpe negare,
>tamquam non liceat, nulla puella negat.
>Casta igitur nulla est? Sunt castae mille. Quid ergo
>casta facit? Non dat, non tamen illa negat.

— Martial, Epigrams, Book IV

I've searched our city, Rufus - every corner, I insist -
For a woman who will tell me "No". Such creatures don't exist.
It isn't done, it seems. In fact I wonder, in this town,
If it's actually illegal for a girl to turn you down.
Are virgins gone, then? Never! There are thousands. Can't you guess?
They're the ones who've honed the art of saying neither "No" nor "Yes".

---

>Ignotos mihi cum voce trecentos,
>quare non veniam vocatus ad te
>miraris quererisque litigasque.
>Solus ceno, Fabulle, non libenter.

— Martial, Epigrams, Book XI

Three hundred guests, not one of whom I know:
And you take umbrage when I fail to show.
Please, Fabula. It isn't that I'm proud:
I just hate being lonely in a crowd.

---

>Difficilis facilis, iucundus acerbus es idem:
>nec tecum possum vivere nec sine te.

— Martial, Epigrams, Book XII

So sweet your disposition,
And so unkind as well —
Without you, life's Perdition,
But with you here, it's Hell.

---

[Anonymous No.15371252]

>>15371021
Why would you bump instead of giving feedback you narcissistic spineless faggot? The only reason to bump is that you want feedback, otherwise you would have posted content or given feedback. If you were a third party observer you would have either engaged or done nothing. The only conclusion is that you are someone in the thread who either received no feedback or didn’t like the feedback you received, both of these reasons point to a person who wants a response of praise but is too spineless to outwardly ask for it. I despise you and I hope your writing is lost in time and never read by another human being.

[Anonymous No.15371297]

>>15371252
I'm not that guy, but if the situation is as you say, he's probably this guy:
>>15370833
because that's the submission with no reviews yet. If so, he did review several pieces, so I guess he deserves his (you), although I agree he could have just squared his jaw and asked for one like a man.
Never mind, I'll look at his story now.

[Anonymous No.15371345]

>>15371297
I'm not that guy, see screenshot

[Anonymous No.15371348]

>>15371252
bump

[Anonymous No.15371409]

>>15370218
>>15370833
Thank you both for the advice, I agree with the things you said and will work on them

[Anonymous No.15371425]

>>15371348
I don’t save pictures of frogs, but if I did, this would be the time to post one with an angry face and a red tint.

[Anonymous No.15371454]

>>15370833

The writing is much better on a purely technical level than most of the stuff here. (There are a few slips, like "gauzy" for "hazy", but I assume they're typos or auto-corrects or something.)

There are two main problems. Firstly, the tone and perspective is a bit all over the place - the amount of awareness of the narrator is uneven, as are his metaphors etc. Secondly, it feels too constructed, too passionless - as though you're just working through a cute idea you had, but which you don't really care about. The only time I really engaged in it emotionally was in the aside about local councils being boring. That was funny, but it was just one moment.

Remember the wise words of Mr. Lee in Enter the Dragon: "What was that? An exhibition? We need EMOTIONAL CONTENT."

[Anonymous No.15371474]

Just a draft. Don't experiment with lineation enough, so am curious if it works.

>>15369938
I'd say your images aren't encapsulated enough (ie, they aren't strong enough on their own) to feel "finished" within their stanzas. A line like "The giver gave in," is, to my mind, way too over the top. I don't think your tone here is bad, though, I would just be careful with how heavy-handed some of the images end up being ("bone white"; "blood red"; "before midnight").

>>15370022
If you haven't read "In a Station of the Metro" by Pound....read it. And beyond, you're not the first to compare a train station to an underworld-like environment. You need to riff on your imagery and extend it to make it something different. "lifeless conversation" is a moralizing image--fine if the speaker was better represented.

>>15370056
This is all very general. You deploy images well, but, as others have noted, I think having a better sense of the characters from the get-go would help. This does not mean you have to forgo the muscular, clipped prose, but instead, give us more / better detail. Even just a more specific line about the bicycles that only a bicyclist would understand would be helpful.

>>15370412
I think using rhymes like this can be very ho-hum unless done ironically or quite drastically different than what we expect. That might just be personal preference, but I almost wish the ending was funny. Anyway, this whole business of "where I'm found" lacks a lot of specificity of either character or place. We really need a better sense of where this speaker is--a meadow? a hillside? a park? Nothing in this indicates that there actually is "a world within" him besides what we're being told. Expand out.

[Anonymous No.15371593]

>>15371454
Thanks, I appreciate the comments. I agree the emotional aspect is something I need to work on, as you say it started as a cool concept I had but I need to give it some resonance.

[Anonymous No.15371637]

>>15370160
>>15370412
>>15370833
>>15371474
thanks for the crits lads, I'll try and sort the rythm and get rid of the semicolon, maybe try for some less forced rhymes too, if I can come up with any. I think the reason why it seems to be lack clarity or a larger meaning is because it is literally just me slagging off UK trains and train stations. Its not even the only one I wrote today about how much I can't stand them.

[illiterate (www.larthurhunt.co(...) No.15371638]

>>15371474

I like your poem. Nothing to say about it, because I never learned how to read or critique poetry. But I like it a lot.

[Anonymous No.15371645]

>>15371474
Really liked the Pound poem too, should probably read some of him pretty soon

[Anonymous No.15371732]

Daily Duties
It was that time of day again, he was looking forward to his duties ever since he got up this morning.
"It's that time already." He got out of his chair, he was a little later than usual due to watching a new tv show, but his duties were calling to him.
He took the keys from the nail they were hanging on next to the cellar door, he liked to keep it nearby in case he was late with his daily duties.
He turned on the light and slowly stepped down the crooked staircase, the creaking warned the one waiting for him that it was that time of day again.
He heard the muffled screams of panic as it knew what was going to happen, it happened every day after all.
"Good evening, sorry I'm running late today, it wont happen again."
"MMMPPPHHHH NNNNHHHHHMMMM" The gagged and blinded figure tried to reason with him, how long has it been since this started, it seemed like it always has been like this. It was doubtful that the figure was even in a state of mind to remember those days from before this became its daily life.
"What should we do today ?" The man took a look at the wares he had in front of him, he took great care to keep them in good shape and working order, cleaning them after every use as anyone that enjoys their work does.
In front of him was a table and every inch of it filled with a variety of tools of various sizes and functions.
Pliers, hammers, torches, drills, too many things for him to choose from.
"Lets start small today, maybe the pliers ?" He asked the blinded and muffled figure for its opinion.
"NNNNNNMMMMMPPPPPPPPP" it replied, it was already drooling from the panic that set in. On closer inspection a small puddle had formed beneath the seat of the blinded figure, running down the drain beneath it. It wet itself from the panic that set in but it didnt make a difference of course, this happened every day and would happen every day.
"Pliers it is, you always have such good taste and they have grown back after all."
"NNNNMMMPPHIIIIIIIIIII" the sounds of the figure turned into a high pitched squealing as the man took his time to cut the nails apart with the pliers.
"Well that's one, they've grown rather awkward since the last time we did this." the man then dropped the nail he tore off into a large mason jar, the jar was slowly starting to fill up from all the times they've done this.
The man then took his time to take off the other nails, first from the left hand and then from the right, then alternating between the nails on the blinded mans feet.
The muffled screaming was as if angels were singing to him, it only took him about an hour to peel them all off. Now that he had a start he could get more into it.
"Since we started with the sharp pliers lets move on to the blunt pliers now." He picked up a pair of pliers with blunted off edges, meant to bend and snap rather than cut.
The blinded figure was by now dulled by pain and couldnt answer the man any more than the muffled sobbing it always did.
The night was young after all.

[Anonymous No.15371791]

>>15370412
Is this little poem up to interpretation of what we see the self referencing character as and what relation they have to whoever it is this piece is intended for? Or did you have a specific meaning in mind?

[Anonymous No.15371827]

>>15371791
No particular meaning when I was writing it, I could see meaning if I want to, but it isn't meant to mean any one thing.
Make of it what you like. The speaker isn't a concrete subject, or thing.

[Anonymous No.15372104]

>>15371827

I thought it was a pretty compelling piece if I'm being honest with you. The way I interpreted it was that it was a reflection of becoming infatuated with an NPC. In the case of your poem the speaker/subject is said NPC speaking to a potential victim of their sterile yet somehow comfortingly sickly sweet allure. Like how we gravitate towards someone who is seemingly so happy on the surface yet possesses such few qualities of substance that you can't help but think that we're mistaking their positivity for what's really an oblivious apathy to anything that could bring them real joy or any real sorrow.

I think you can pull many allusions to marked characteristics of the NPC archetype from several lines in particular -

>Wake me up and lie me down bring me back from where I'm found.
NPC's typically don't exhibit much self-awareness or introspection and hence don't care to know much about their origin or their current state. You can just find them wherever they happen to be.

>If you'd like then stay by me only yours I'll never be
Staying with the theme of apathy, they don't care one way or another if you stay or adore them or not, but the fact that they're not actively dismissing you allows you to sucker yourself into wanting to be by them.

>and don't look deep in 'n' see don't look for ugliness in me
The last thing someone of this nature would do is engage in any introspection to detect some sort of shortcomings of their mentality. The only thing that they would enjoy less is for someone to do it for them.

>Just put me back where I'm found leave me lying on cold ground for it's solid, stabling I find it comforting
Leave them where you found them it doesn't make a difference to them. Leading a life where they technically exist and not much else gives them no existential dread despite how hard it may be for you to understand.

>There's a world within me one that you will never see So pick me up, or lie me down watch me lying on cold ground.
This is the most bittersweet idea of all and the one that captures the victim in the first place. There must be something more than what's being let on by the NPC, and it's this mystery and this desperate hope that you didn't put something on a pedestal for some inexplicable reason, but it's all so crushingly illusory. As the last two lines suggest "whatever."

This poem made me feel like a bug being stepped on by someone glued to their phone 80% of their waking hours. Just my interpretation and even before I read your follow up post I found myself reading it in one of those melodic tones that you can only formulate when you're absentmindedly doing something else. Really great stuff truly!

tldr
>the poem is about a siren who neither knows or cares that it is a siren humming along about nothing and yet you fall for it like a big fucking idiot anyways.

[Anonymous No.15372205]

>>15369581
The hut stands at the edge of a small village. Built first for German soldiers, then used by Poles, they now acommodate refugees from East Germany. From one of them a man emerges. He has a look on his face which at first gives the impression of ironic laughter. But, as though frozen stiff, his face never varies. The man once had a wife, two children, and numerous relatives. He possessed a home, owning a well stocked farm. He possesses now nothing but what he is carrying on him. The man has a roof over his head, a bed, and a military locker. He works eight hours a day building roads. He earns 34 marks a week. He has food, and occasionally gets hold of a bit of old clothing, or some tobacco. One cannot say that society's provision for him has failed, and the man himself does not complain. Yet he speaks rarely, recalling his house, farm and stock, his parents, wife, and two children. In doing so he blooms like a flower and grows livelier. He becomes a person again. He comes to life only in a dead world, for it is a world that exists now only in his memory. He does not speak for long, however, but slides back into his silence, always ending with the same question: "Well, tell me, who am I then, and what am I living for, and what is the sense of it all?" He expects no answer. The question hangs about as frozenly as the look on his face.

[Anonymous No.15372348]

>>15372104
>the poem is about a siren who neither knows or cares that it is a siren humming along about nothing and yet you fall for it like a big fucking idiot anyways.

This is so close to what I mean in a lot of what I write.
An almost sarcastic take on what meaning really is.
I'm honestly pretty impressed with how on the nose you were with that sentence. I also quite liked your analysis. 10/10

[Anonymous No.15372383]

I want this lockdown to end,
I do not know the dead, I have not seen their faces
If only I could blame it on the Chinese
But that won't fill up all the empty places
I have had moments of longing
Moments of warmth, a newfound hope
But that's all I've had, moments and moments
Not enough subjects to fill those empty spaces
I am like a child again, but I do not feel the beauty
Instead I have that quality of an empty duty
I want to build a woman on a frozen ice plain in the north of Sweden under an eclipse
And fill her with millions of seed in anticipation of the apocalypse

[Anonymous No.15372710]

>>15369938
Too poetic
>>15370022
Use 'wiener' instead of 'diener'
>>15370056
Reddit spacing
>>15370158
Penisolate and thoughtful
>>15370412
Notepad
>>15370649
cope
>>15370661
Long
>>15371474
At least you use Word
>>15371637
'awaken' two lines in a row would make Joyce seethe
>>15371732
MMMPPPHHHH NNNNHHHHHMMMM
>>15372383
Revenge of the Sith

[Anonymous No.15372741]

<2000 word short story: https://pastebin.com/cXJ47fiE

And here's the opening:

>The day Samantha Shaughnessy came to school with a buzzcut, I knew I was dead. Samantha Shaughnessy was my god. I felt about her the way I used to feel about Jesus Christ. The way I had felt when I first saw his bony, wooden body nailed to the cross above the altar. I'm not ashamed to admit that I have--on three separate occasions--bought Samantha Shaughnessy's bathwater, that I have anointed myself with this water as I imagine David was anointed by Samuel.

[Anonymous No.15373224]

>>15372710
bruh

[Anonymous No.15373389]

>>15372741 here, forgot to critique.

>>15372205
Reminds me a lot of Russian authors like Vsevolod Garshin (in particular the short story, The Signal) and of course Tolstoy--in fact I thought at first glance that you used the Tolstoyan technique of describing a face by using third-person dialogue. Some might tell you there's too much telling here, but that's really dependent on the actual purpose of this passage. Having established this summary, what follows must naturally be a scene, which, in some way or another, contradicts or greatly intensifies the claims that have been made (i.e by the addition of an opponent or antagonistic force that leads to conflict).

But enough about structure. The rhythm of the prose is good, flowing, melodic, appropriate. There are some minor punctuation matters, using periods instead of commas (e.g maybe the first period should be a comma instead, else the pause feels too long. Or later, in the sentence that begins "In doing so...", the period before it should be a comma). Village, which is singular, is mismatched with the pronoun "they" in the 2nd sentence. Probably better to omit the "they" entirely, however, so as to maintain the rhythm of the sentence.

Some of the chosen images and smilies are stale (face "frozen stiff") either use them in new ways or come up with something you haven't heard before.

All in all, the merit of this passage depends on the scene that follows after.

[Anonymous No.15373403]

>>15369581

I enter at the turn of the page,
the words relinquishing
their grip,
only to look up
and surrender myself
to the cold attentions of the glass,
a perfect portrait of pitch
cut from the night
reflecting nothing
to nothing
forever.

Beyond, the black waters weep.

[Anonymous No.15373415]

Perched at the tip,

the mouth slimes out
molten slag and spit
through broken shards
and crooked lips.

He is threaded round
by tail a crag
culminating
sphinx-like.

A stone outgrowth.
A volcanic tumor.
A scaled statue.

Split tongue jutting,
foam quivering,
all breast and breath -
his eyes squint half-asleep,
the reddened iris
revealing redder tastes within.

Slowly, he lifts a snout,
spluttering through his furnace smoked throat
to taste the wind.
He looks East to West,
listens North to South,
and surveys the total image of his fief,
this picking-trove of flesh and jewel.

He watches for an eternity, he waits longer still,
all for the noble knight who will slay him and cut the tale short.

[Anonymous No.15373429]

>>15370158
magnificent

[Anonymous No.15373657]

>>15369948
>when people say writing is bad they are usually right; when they say WHY it's bad they're almost always wrong. -- A Capeshit Graphic Novel Author

>>15370022
Superposition of the sound of ants below the station, and the train/people above isn't stark enough; last three lines fall flat. The first three o either make a stronger whole:
>The train station
>A gloomy torturer[";" does nothing here, "," or naught"
>Of lifeless conversation
>They come by dawn,
>Wither and return back home
>Below inky skies

Work with the ant-sound image; "white as dice" (black dots? ants) it's inverted with the "inky skies"; "skyward mines" -- more compelling for terrestrial surface dwellers as miners toiling under the heavens/firmament (the "conscious mice"), < "penetrated [by] lights" -- processions of miner's lamps is subverted by the direction to the reader's attention aloft by "skwWARD"; (e.g. "Davy/Welsh lamp"; different types of "damps", as in noxious gases encountered therein).
It's getting there, but there's shuffling and refiing to be done. Pic. related for train inspiration

[Anonymous No.15373716]

>>15370056
>says Ben
>I say
>I tell
>he says
>I say
>I stutter
>he says

It's overall good. I like the writing, it's very articulate. I think you could work on getting more descriptive verbs, really showing instead of just telling, or throw and adjective in front of the "says".

"Yeah," he spit out nauseously. "I could puke."

That's a bit of an extreme example. Otherwise I personally think it's very good.

[Anonymous No.15373725]

I put to paper
pen and later
read what I had writ
another then
another hit
another bit of it

[Anonymous No.15373835]

>>15373429
>>15372710
>>15370233

thank ya very much
t.>>15370158

[Anonymous No.15373875]

First page of a story I’m working on about a manic depressive woman poet

[Anonymous No.15373913]

>>15370412
These are suitable lyrics as is, brought to mind late Radioheadish sort of music
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pFLXD1w8nQ

>>15370649
Very sneed anon

>>15370761
>Cycling
Pic. related, there's a dearth of cycle lit

>>15371250
>Are virgins gone, then?
>Then is virginity over?
>vestal/maid(-en/hood) done with thence
>They COME by the thousands, without rest
>... only show/still show/ their breasts
Itching to see it fall on "... bend/bent over" somehow in a more baudy/explicitly suggestive ending

I'd prefer going farther out there on Book XI
>A voice in the wilderness of three hundred


Like Book XII's rendering,
>Without you life's Perdition,
>But with you, here it's Hell
"But with you here," grinds the flow to a halt

>>15371474
The Diet Coke one is incredibly endearing and you should share it with yr mum

>>15371637
>As blackest skies foretell
>The heaviest tempest in steam
>Bellows foul from the black beast whistle
>Prophecies ...
>Rapidly... [This can't stand;eg ~ "clattering the hive"
Last three ant lines much improved, though I'd insist on the first three lines of the stanzas as a new unit in the first draft and their strength in that combination.
>The nest [swarms] over the station
>As they drown the tracks
>In their own [thunderous] non-existence

>>15372205
>The question hangs about as frozenly as the look on his face.
That line did it for me.

>>15372741
Amusing

[Anonymous No.15373930]

Not to beg too much but I'd be grateful for more feedback on >>15370833

[Anonymous No.15373939]

>>15373403
>Beyond, the black waters weep.
Best line
>[The] perfect portrait of pitch
Worst line

>>15373415
>He is threaded round
>by tail a crag
>culminating
>sphinx-like.
This can stand unchanged, strongest of the bunch.

>...who will slay him.
End it there

[Anonymous No.15373953]

>>15373415

It was pretty good until the last two lines, then it got corny. You have a good sense of diction although it boarders on affectedness, try to write with less airs.

>>15372741

If this is YA it might grab someone’s attention, if it’s not then it’s kind of silly.

>>15372383

A lot of cliche phrases, “moments of warmth, a newfound hope” is one of the worser. The overall sentiment is sincere and I like that though, just work an being less predictable.

>>15372205

It’s written okay, seems insincere though, like you’re writing about something you’ve heard of rather than experienced. If I’m wrong then I apologize. Keep working, you’re not bad,

>>15371637

It’s brooding in a really boring way, try to find smaller subjects before performing stateliness.

Mine is >>15373875

[Anonymous No.15374002]

>>15373875
This is really good, near or at pro quality in terms of the fundamentals. The smilies in particular are very fresh.

A few recommendations:

1. The character's voices sound exactly the same as you go on. Differentiate their speech. Otherwise they are quite well-characterized.

2. First sentence of last paragraph is a run-on and it makes the action muddled. Split it up.

3. Some typos in the first paragraph. "I go" should probably be "I'm gone". "anywhere" really doesn't work in that sentence. "Eve had all the time." doesn't work either.

[Anonymous No.15374027]

>>15374002

Thank you. “Had all the time” is black vernacular, and “anywhere” is purposeful but if that’s not clear then I may change it. Thanks about the “I’m gone” though, I didn’t catch that. Where’s your piece so I can crit?

[Anonymous No.15374051]

>>15374027
I've never heard that expression (I'm guessing it's short for "had all the time in the world"?) even so, I think it messes up the flow of that sentence (likewise with the "anywhere") and brings you out of the story.

And you already did crit me:

>>15373953
>>>15372741
>If this is YA it might grab someone’s attention, if it’s not then it’s kind of silly.

(It wasn't YA btw, but it was intended to be a parody)

[Anonymous No.15374112]

>>15374051

You know what’s funny I never thought of the phrase as being “all the time in the world”, we just say it like “lets go then girl trust me I have ALL the time”. But it’s probably derived from that, language is funny. So yeah I’ll think about your suggestions. Thanks again.

[Anonymous No.15374372]

>>15373930
>>15370833
I agree with most of what >>15371454 said.

The prose is great, It flows really well, making some transitions almost seamless. This really helps with the 'shapeshifting' nature of the narrator.

However, I feel like the story is almost rambly; there is no clear way to define what is going on. It never reaches a concrete conclusion, but rather, it simply comes to an end. I believe this is because, as a reader, I never get a strong impression of the narrator.

The way the narrator jumps forwards and backwards in time can get a little confusing. My mind kept trying to give form to what was happening, but by the time an image formed the scenario changed entirely(still, I feel like this could be a great story for people with aphantasia).

The 'history happened' paragraph feels a bit out of place. In itself is great, but with the things that happen after it, I'm left wondering the chronology of everything. The narration itself is already confusing, so I would advise that you stuck with a linear chronology, maybe make the last more 'mundane' paragraphs lean more on sci-fi, or make the 'history happened' paragraph based on real history (there are plenty of wars and revolutions that it'd be interested to have the narrator's take on).

Also, when you shift to second-person narrator it is done very well, but the text turns even more rambly. It feels like something completely disjointed from the rest of the story.

Nonetheless, I really enjoyed it, though by the end I was left confused as there was no conclusion. By the last paragraphs, I expected that the end would tie everything neatly and everything would be clear, but in the end, it left me wondering what was the point.

I feel like the story would greatly improve if the reader was given a stronger impression of the narrator; because as >>15371454 said, it is a bit all over the place. Also, having a clear intention of what you are trying to tell, what conclusion you want to reach, could really elevate the story by giving it a grand finale, leaving the reader satisfied. I believe you have the technical skill to pull it off.

[Anonymous No.15374413]

poor man

we then turned to the lawyer,
toes in shoes, snow in nose,
he asked,
‘is it true you killed her?’
the answer was yes.
so we took out our pipes
and smoked for the poor man,
and at the gallows on sunday
we smoked once more for him

it was all an accident,
he missed the apple on her head.

[Anonymous No.15374502]

>>15374372
Thanks anon, really appreciate the comments! And I agree the ending is a bit of a mess, need to make it clearer. I'm gonna work on it some more.

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.15374911]

>>15373875

I know you’re trying to project that they’re vapid annoying caricatures of the problem of the modern woman, and you project that really well, however this doesn’t leave me much to actually enjoy or like in terms of the characters and the aesthetic of it is (as it should be due to what you’re going for ) pretty dreadful. So I would mostly recommend trying to beautify it in some way, perhaps beefing up their internal experience of the argument or give something that makes the girls feel deeper or that they aren’t truly so shallow.

The biggest problem is that they do come off as caricatures which isn’t organic enough. Other than that it was pretty Good.

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.15374920]

>>15374911

Oh and short story.

https://pastebin.com/Wyr7jAkd

[Anonymous No.15375666]

Blissfully, wearily descending to rest
Having reached my journey's crest
Hands, knees, head upon Elysian green
A place I'd never dreamed to have seen
Further, further into tranquil embrace
Descending deeper into this place
The green feels wet
Smooth now slippery
Grass now moss, or ever was?
Pressure of my push, or its pull?
Loud, rotten snap of the mountain's back
Through the crack
Falling
All the way back
To the black

[Anonymous No.15375830]

>>15375666
The rhyme is detracting from the mood that you're trying to create, the first few lines are especially sing-songy. On that, use more imagery, you're describing something interesting but it isn't evocative or compelling without inventive metaphors to latch on to.

[Anonymous No.15375849]

[Anonymous No.15375897]

>>15375849
>posting a screenshot of words instead of copy-pasting

[Anonymous No.15375906]

>>15375830
thanks

[Anonymous No.15375918]

>>15375897
Yeah I'm a faggot what about it

[Anonymous No.15375923]

>>15375906
No worries dude, I'm sure you'll get there. Maybe you could read some craft essays?

[Anonymous No.15375976]

Insincerity

It’s beautiful, darling
She says
Smile forced,
I muster thank you
Fingers trace over it
This part is nice, I’m proud of you,
But I can’t explain it
Her arms wrap around my neck
She brings her lips to my ear
What does she know?
Don’t say anything
I don’t believe it
But who’s at fault,
Me or her?

Posted this in last thread, tried to work on it some more. I also started looking at it so much I just did a weird experimental version for fun

It’s beautiful, darling
She says
Smile forced
I muster thanks your
Fingers trace over this
Part is nice, I’m proud of
You can’t explain it
Her arms wrap around my
Neck strains
Her lips to my ear, whispers
Don’t say anything, don’t
Believe it
But who’s at fault?

[Anonymous No.15376276]

>>15372205
The plot has potential and your writing is good but this needs some work. The presentation has a somewhat clunky feel to it. Here:

>The hut stands at the edge of the small village. [...] From one of them a man emerges.

Your referring to a specific hut, then talk about them in plural, but the first sentence indicates that there is only one hut, and since it's the first sentence it should be more captivating, more into the fray-like.

"The huts clustered together at the edge of the small village were first built for German soldiers during the war. When the soldiers were on the retreat, Poles occupied them, and now they acommodate refugees from East Germany."

I might not be right, but I believe you need to build more of a scenery here. Where are we? How does it look? How do I feel when I look at the huts?

>The man once had a wife, two children... stocked farm. He possesses now...

Make a bigger buildup. I don't feel for this random man, you present the loss but I'm not emotionally engaged to him and thus I just feel meh, boo fucking hoo for him. Lay out the character more, so that the contrast is more sharp.

Your writing is good, you have potential but you need to make it flow better. It has a sense of being too "gramatically correct" if you know what I mean.

Here's my latest shizzle, tired of my old projects so trying out a new one.

[Anonymous No.15376344]

Gardens before me,
would I were you I would be
but beauty before those blurry eyes
and would scatter lost rosy remnants
in that rosefrail and fair
wind-swept hair.
>>15369938
Gorgeous. Love the use of colour.
>>15370022
has potential but a little too unnecessarily wordy imo
>>15370056
good but not enough long, descriptive sentences, you focus too much on short, powerful sentences which then diminishes their effect.

[Anonymous No.15376373]

>>15372205

This is very good but there are a few things I would take issue with.

>He possesses now nothing but what he is carrying on him. The man has a roof over his head...

If he has a roof over his head, he has more than he's carrying on him. He's not a snail; he doesn't carry his house with him. You can keep it almost as it is but you have to differentiate more clearly between the possessions and the roof over his head, if you do.

>He works eight hours a day building roads. He earns 34 marks a week.
The short, staccato sentences feel overdone. (Also I would say "he's paid" rather than "he earns". That leaves open at least the faint possibility that he *earns* more.) "He works eight hours a day building roads, for which he is paid 34 marks a week."

>He has food, and occasionally gets hold of a bit of old clothing, or some tobacco.
Clothing, if you're short of it, is more important for survival than tobacco. I would say "or even some tobacco.", which also emphasizes the pitifully small amount of luxury available to him.

>...and the man himself does not complain. Yet he speaks rarely, recalling his house...
The trouble here is that you're saying two things at once:
a) His great loss means he's taciturn
b) When he DOES speak, it's about what he's lost.
These are two separate points that build to a sense of his desolation, but they would be more powerful if you made them separately.
"Yet he speaks rarely; and when he does, it is only ever to recall his house..."

>In doing so he blooms like a flower and grows livelier. He becomes a person again.
A subtle point, but the way you phrase this, the simile of him becoming a flower fights against
the idea of him becoming a person again. Just separating the two a tiny bit more might help:
"In doing so he blooms like a flower. He grows livelier. He becomes a person again."

>He comes to life only in a dead world, for it is a world that exists now only in his memory.
Kill this. You've just shown us it very nicely and now you're telling us? It's like explaining a joke. We got it. Trust your audience.

>He has a look on his face which at first gives the impression of ironic laughter...
The image of a face like ironic laughter but frozen stiff is really good. (Ignore the anon who said it's a cliché.) You should perhaps phrase it all a bit less clunkily, but don't get rid of it altogether. Maybe something like:
"He has a look which at first gives the impression of ironic laughter. But his face never varies; it's as though the laughter has frozen stiff."

[Anonymous No.15376819]

>>15376276

No callers? Shameful bump

[Anonymous No.15377066]

Bump

[Anonymous No.15377424]

>>15376276

>My eyes were blank

Doesn't convey a solid image imo, don't really know what you're trying to get at.

>images of her freckled skin projected on the wall

Same here, the image isn't clear what you're trying to portray. A fleshy skin coloured wall is probably not what your character is seeing. Tbh, that entire sentence feels crowded and confused.

>fiddle in a bed unmarked

I don't like this, sounds like you're trying to make it more difficult than it needs to be.

"Makes perfect sense, right? But when the Cult of the Ferocious NaN assigned me the task - I knew I would."

[Anonymous No.15377625]

>>15377424

Ty Anon, ty a lot! How's the general feel? I'm experimenting with new tones and would love a comment on the style

[Anonymous No.15377761]

>>15377625

I don't think there's enough context to really get a feel for it atm. From what we've got atm, I'm going to assume betrayal/guilt will be a theme, possibly the idea of conflicting devotion.

Try cleaning it up and seeing if you think it succeeds in portraying the purpose of the scene as you intended. If you told me right now, that all of that text was to convey that character is suffering guilt, I'd say about 2 sentences were relevant and the rest fluff.

I was already up when the phone rang. I was exhausted from a sleepless night and overseeing as Ilija scattered building blocks and other toys across the playroom floor. Despite my usual attentiveness, my eyes lacked focus or rather, images of /her/ overlapped my peripheral vividly wherever I looked. The walls, the carpet and even Ilija's innocent face. I couldn't quite fathom the true extent of crossing the impassable line. Only yesterday, I'd gone over to the other side, a place I promised myself and vowed my wife I'd never go.

[Anonymous No.15378032]

>>15369938

I must agree with >>15369998
Digits is redundant and awkward. Feels like a hiccup in an otherwise very clean and somber poem. Good work.

[Anonymous No.15378120]

>>15377761

I'll elaborate it, I think the context will become more apparent further into the chapter. Tyvm for the time spent on the input :)

[Anonymous No.15378329]

>>15369938
lot of potential here, let me try.

Passing through my fingers,
These bone white digits,
a pitch black hide.

Pulsing round the face,
This blood red minute,
One moment alive

And paused before midnight.
The giver gave in;
And my mother died.

[Anonymous No.15379244]

>>15372205
Written really stale and generically. Feels like your first foray into writing something very matter of factly but with your own sense of style. Keep refining it as for now the way it is written and the emotions it conveys are very hamfisted and clunky, almost as if a high schooler wrote it. I think you've got potential!

[Anonymous No.15379262]

I am a boat
Boats float
I float
I'm drowning

[Anonymous No.15379400]

>>15371732
you need to work on your use of punctuation, a comma doesn't work for every pause. it's awkward to read the way you have it now.
>(:) to introduce some further information
>(-) to do it more dramatically
>(;) to connect two statements
or if you only use a comma make sure you're not missing a conjuction

>He ate the apple, and he liked it
>He ate the apple: he liked it
>He ate the apple - he absolutely love it
>He ate the apple; apples are his favourite fruit

[Anonymous No.15379422]

>>15372205
>He possesses now nothing but what he is carrying on him
This is cringe. Why not write:
>He now possesses nothing except what he is carrying on him ?

swapping around syntax arbitrary doesn't sound deep and storytelling-ly it just sounds bad

[Anonymous No.15379445]

>>15373725
I really like this
sounds great to read aloud

id like it better if it wasnt about writing though, and about something else instead

[Anonymous No.15379468]

https://pastebin.com/wFKah787

Short story, would apprechiate feedback on any part

[Anonymous No.15380130]

>>15379445
Thanks. The theme is interpretability. After the first two lines relate the fact of having written, the rest admit to a number of alternative readings if you just go by ear. I don't know how well it works though.

[Anonymous No.15380199]

>>15373725
I got a pen
Put it to paper
Leave for a bit
I'll read it later

[Anonymous No.15380829]

>>15370022
This is what I think is an example of a poem getting lost in it's own imagery. Try to focus more on what you're conveying rather than the scenery, descriptions of scenery, etc. Again, my own personal taste.

>>15370412
this is angst-posting

>>15370649
be the prose critic you want to see. also: *than in the third line. bitch.

>>15370661
I feel like this is good but suffers from a glaring lack of pace. try to mix in some amount of ACTIVE drama to spice it up. But good.

>>15371474
wonderful poem. great idea with parallel spacing. really good!!

>>15371637
refer to my critique on imagery, mainly because you're obviously the same person.

>>15373415
wasn't effective at all. don't know what you were going for. forgetting about it soon.

>>15375666
good idea, but a little too...traditional? I feel like this could benefit from opening up from already well-treaded form

[Anonymous No.15381544]

look out you say
as if within
there is a thing to see
I am - a bang
and I had been
at last but memory

[Anonymous No.15382272]

"Do you believe in God?"
"Yes," said Walker.
"No you don't." Price slumped forward, languidly peering down the sights of the machine gun. "Nobody here believes in God. They say they do, but they don't. Not even the Chaplain. People who believe in God sell all their possessions and go out into the wilderness to spend every waking hour praying so they can't possibly sin and ruin their shot at heaven. They sure as shit don't join the army, eat shellfish, take the Lord's name in vain, jerk off, and a thousand other things, and sure there's this or that thing that says it's not applicable anymore, but if you honestly believed there was paradise waiting for you when you die are you gonna risk all that for a shrimp cocktail? You put up a sign saying 'Wet Paint', and people will pay more attention to it than anything in the Bible. You know who believes in God? That guy last week who strapped dynamite all over himself and blew himself up in that girls' school, that's who believes in God."

The desert, flat and barren, stretched out before them. Walker stared off to the horizon, and in his mind's eye he saw that desolation grow and grow until the entire world was this, a dead, sterile rock in a dead, sterile universe. From far away came the call to prayer, faint and ethereal in the evening heat.

[Anonymous No.15382309]

>>15382272
>languidly
Stop

[Anonymous No.15382383]

>>15374413
This is such a nice, neat little piece. "Toes shoes, snow in nose" seemed like an awkward line at first but it grew on me.

[Anonymous No.15382588]

>>15382272
Excellent flash fiction, probably the best itt. I would omit the "dead, sterile universe" as its both redundant and cliched. "dead sterile rock" by itself is far more powerful and sufficient. Also I'd ignore the other anon that critiqued the use of "languidly", by its definition it's actually the perfect word to describe Price.

[Anonymous No.15382639]

>>15382272
>walker
>desert
>war
is this a callback to the 1840s?

[Anonymous No.15382662]

>>15382272
Stop stealing from Spec Ops: The Line

[Anonymous No.15382664]

CONCERNS AT 3.A.M.
-------------------------------

Eight years ago
My seat companion had one hand in plaster.
I put her bag in the overhead in Oslo
And took it out at Gatwick
But didn't offer to help her with it
At the other end of her taxi ride,
Wherever that may have been.

I hope she isn't still standing
In the lobby of her apartment building,
Staring up at three flights of stairs.

[Anonymous No.15382680]

i'm going to have sex
my penis, yeah, it exists
and it exists for me to have sex
with whom? with your mum
oh yes, i insert it into her vagina
wait, why is it so warm and loose?
ah yes, your head stretched it out
i'm banging your mum and it's cool
she does little twirls on my penis
my penis is erect inside of her
while i'm doing sex with her
while you're in your room thinking about her
getting banged by someone
and that someone is me
yeah, take out your cock and fap
think about your mum getting shagged by me
yeah, that's hot
i hope you cum you little pervert
cum for your mum and me

>>15382664
shit, you fucking suck
>>15382383
gay as fuck
>>15382272
cringe
>>15380829
gARBAGE
>>15375976
fucking trash DFW wannabe
>>15375849
>>15375666
>>15374413
gay normie tier
>>15373875
fuking hell, gay
>>15373415
trash
>>15372383
horrible pseud shit
>>15371732
meh, boring
>>15371637
tiny cock verse
>>15371474
worst poem so far
>>15371250
no one cares
>>15370649
b ased
>>15370158
BA SED
>>15370056
back to r*ddit faggot
>>15370022
boring
>>15369938
boring plus ur gay

[Anonymous No.15382740]

>>15382680
>gay as fuck
I feel honored

[Anonymous No.15383014]

>>15382680

Ok coomer

[Anonymous No.15383137]

Did some work, 1/2

[Anonymous No.15383147]

2/2

[Anonymous No.15383213]

>>15383147
>>15383137

Hello again anon!

I think you've lost your way a bit in this expansion. A lot of fluff that only takes away rather than adds to the content.

I still don't get a sense of the main character's feelings and as it progresses, it gets almost comical. What am I supposed to be feeling?

>"Something unhinged inside, free-falling from the throat to the gut, landing in an inner pool of undefined contents where it subsides, whirling up a storm."

Could easily be shortened to: "My heart sank."

I think a lot of it is confusion of what you're trying to convey.

>"This is number eight, preceded by seven assignments."

Totally unnecessary, eight is always after seven. Shorten to: "This was my eigth assignment."

As for the profanity, it doesn't add anything and feels very out of place.

Everything after "Who is this? No!" reads like a completely different piece of work, it doesn't follow the structure built in the first half.

[Anonymous No.15383231]

>>15379262
Stevie Smith did it better. (Not much better, but hey, she got published, so she's way ahead on that score.)

[Anonymous No.15383234]

>>15370022
I think you've struck on many metaphors but haven't committed to any of them. They all make their entrance and exit like job applicants going in and out of the interview room. All you have really said is that modern life is rubbish, but you have used the poetic form to merely justify your sentiment, not to enrich it as you should.
Plus, anyone writing about train stations has to reckon with Ezra Pound's "In A Station of The Metro", so you have your work cut out for you.

>>15370158
This made me laugh, which is something I guess

>>15370412
This reads like an excerpt from Morrissey's high school poetry notebook.

>>15371474
Good use of parallel spacing. I initially didn't like "Diet Coke pitcher", but it grew on me as with the rest of the poem. I love it.
~
Here's my offering. Be merciless with it, it's not something I ever expect to be published, but I do like writing sonnets and want "crack" them, so to speak.

One ray came upon you without succour,
Only a duty to beauty’s purchase –
For all was fair as Venus induced her
To make of me the bearer, yet worthless,
Of your likeness in all those manifold
Conceptions in which harmony is found,
Streaking the wilds in ways thus untold,
Those secrets from decency do rebound.
But if I could enclose them when they fly,
Askance and barbed with other affection,
Then I could too cast aside my piety
So that the proof is love’s demonstration.
Whatever may be truth’s merciless stipend,
Truer is your light which I apprehend.

[Anonymous No.15383326]

>>15370056
It held my interest long enough for me to read the whole so you obviously did something right.

>>15370833
So many run on sentences.

>>15372205
It's like you wrote your story, then went over it and replaced random words with synonyms. It disrupts the flow, feels janky. For example, you said "numerous relatives" when "many relatives" makes more sense. Same with "possesed a home", it makes more sense to say "owned a home".
Reminds me of the Friends episode where Joey used a thesaurus to write a recommendation letter to an adoption agency.

[Anonymous No.15383364]

>>15383213

Tyyyy, back to the drawingboard

[Anonymous No.15383379]

>>15383364

Take a minute to think about:

Is this a novel, or is it this short story, about the length you posted?

What ideas are you trying to convey?

How does your character embody that?

What language or tools can you use to support that?

What can you take away, while retaining the same message?

[Anonymous No.15383512]

Working on another short story, more as practice for condensing my language and avoiding imitating Lovecraft too much.

Things I've spotted:

>Not sure imagery is quite clear enough
>Feels like the prose is talking at you, rather than to you
>I don't think the sentences flow

[Anonymous No.15383798]

Whenever I enter the shower, my black cat runs to me. As the glass starts to fog, she has leapt atop the washing machine. We can just make out each other's eyes, hers wide and black. She reaches up as far as she can and begins frantically scratching at the glass. Battering away til she tires. She looks to leap over and in, but it's too high. Steam is all she sees. Rested, she tries again to break through. She only breaks the cycle once I've stepped out. A reprimanding meow is followed by a purring rapproachment as I pet her cheek. She came from a pet rescue shelter, one of three sisters. Sometimes I wonder who else she's seen go behind the glass. Whether she'd ever seen anyone else walk out.

[Anonymous No.15383868]

>>15383512

Get rid of that spaghetti line and you have a decent atmosphere and narrative voice set up. It's got that campy, spooky feel that makes weird fiction fun.

[Anonymous No.15383884]

>>15383868

Like so anon?

[Anonymous No.15383931]

>>15383884

Yes. An important thing about using figurative language is that it is not worthwhile if it doesn't enrich the reading experience. You are better off not using one at all than using a poor one. And throwing in a simile to "spaghetti" in such a ghastly atmosphere feels clumsy.

[Anonymous No.15383940]

>>15383931

Makes sense, much appreciated thank you.

[Anonymous No.15384141]

>>15383379

When you put it like that the flaws become quite apparent, yes. I'll try a different approach tonight, I was thinking that leaving out information was adding to suspense/mystique but looking at it after considering your input it just seems jumbled and confusing.

Very grateful for the pointers anon, I'll be back!

[Anonymous No.15384206]

>>15384141

Good job anon. Don't get disheartened, you got this.

[Anonymous No.15384381]

>>15382680
bruh

[Anonymous No.15384686]

>>15382680
Based A.F.!

[Anonymous No.15385236]

i'm lurking, slurking, through the night
my stomach churns with thunderous might
the lights are out, the kitchen's black
i hunt elusive midnight snack

with violent haste i fling the doors
imagining what tasty stores
my target holds within to tempt me
but oh! the 'fridgerator's empty

i pitch my head and loose a howl!
this greedy hunter's on the prowl
no earthly power, man or beast
will keep me from my midnight feast!

lo! suddenly, a shocking noise
for fight or flight im quickly poised
the lights flick on. why, 'tis no other
then my nosy, tyrant mother!

i hiss with spite beneath my breath
and make a swift dive to the left
then under kitchen chair i wait
till lights go out and moms away

...

i'm lurking, slurking, through the night
my stomach churns with thunderous might
the lights are out, the kitchen's black
i hunt elusive midnight snack

[Anonymous No.15385344]

>>15385236
very nice to read

Never Rained

It never rained when we were there.
That's the memory which I tampered with.
As through a lens, that can't see the stirring rain.
To make the days seem more heavenly in terms of weather.
I chose to believe that. I can't stop the rain drops fall, one after the other,
one after another.

I lied to you, instead of absently witnessing you,
drown in a dreary abyss.
Like how the father lies and says that:
"everything will be ok"
The rain won't come here. It will always be sunny.
Maybe I didn't know the truth, which at the time nags.

Reality, however beckons,
that heavy clouds form.
To believe me, you'd have to close your eyes and
ignore the sound of collapsing rain,
outside the hospital's window.
You were my friend when you smiled.
It was the lightness of which that asked for comfort.

The blades of grass soothe my feet.
And my retinas are spoiled by the brightness of
the evergreen leaves, soaking up the rays
of the far away sun.
Sights I wish would stay with me forever.
All these beautiful things are nothing to hide.
You can safely open yourself up to a peaceful fate.

We were caught in barbwire under the moonlight
when we started.
A fox with its brilliant flair of
fiery fur is caught by obedient mongrel dogs.
And we run away from ourselves, and our surroundings.
I wanted it all to be over, the feat finished.
And watch the fox escape by chance,
being witnessed, by the eye of the crying moon.
Its safety is ambiguous but I'll lie anyway.
It never rained there.

[Anonymous No.15385961]

>>15385344
thanks. nice mood to your piece. I've started to write a book:

It was a stark and dormant night. A great grey maw of a sky loomed hungrily over the city, eager to feed upon the hopes of those unhappy souls who called it home. Although the goat wore a fashionable coat and walked on his hind legs with acquired expertise, he knew inside that he fooled no-one. Furtive glances and derisive laughter followed in the path which he carved laboriously through the streets’ steely crowds. He clutched his letter of recommendation tighter to his chest, now thoroughly on edge. Pregnant clouds were amassing on the horizon, billowing to sizes which foreshadowed more than just a baby shower.

Vivien Horne took a last delicate drag from her half-smoked cigarette before putting it out on the ledge of the open window. These nights she was feeling put-out herself, tired from putting out fruitless job applications, tired of putting out for strangers in exchange for cash. With an idle flick she propelled the cigarette into empty space, watching it tumble and spin into the darkness of the alley below. She stared breathlessly into the murky chasm, transfixed suddenly by a powerful vertigo. Vivien was spinning, spinning, spinning…

“Scotch, please. Neat.” The air of Vincent Starr’s Lounge and Bar was thick and malodorous, the lights a subdued blue. A goat, wearing a fine coat, had mounted an empty bar-stool, provoking no little concealed merriment in his fellow patrons. “Wouldju prefer sum goat-milk, p’raps? scoffed an inebriated comic, sidling up beside the goat to deliver him a hefty pat to the back.

[Anonymous No.15386102]

>>15383931

Added more. I think this is all I want to do for this chapter.

[Anonymous No.15386876]

>>15384206

I'm really enjoying writing these lines, feels liberating to play around like this. Might've just gone full retard on this one, in which case I'll stop harassing you :)

I'm visualizing it as a novel. Socially self-isolated guy stuck in normie life with a wife who constantly diminishes him and he accidentally joins a cult of sorts that gives him these assignments, gradually gets weirder and that's about the jist of it.

[Anonymous No.15386998]

>>15386102

(not the other anon)

I like this a lot. Some polishing for the last two paragraphs is due. The style flows great and you've nailed the suspense, got an eerie feel to it like some other anon said.

I would rephrase "something to the mid-life crisis pehnomenon" as long shadows and spectres doesn't really have anything to do with a mid-life crisis. Just go with the wife being right about something abrewin (obviously not those words, too tired to make up a suggestion you deserve sososorry)

[Anonymous No.15387173]

>>15386876
Hey welcome back anon!

Third paragraph: soooo much better. The rushed thinking comes through the flow. Few bits that cab be tidied maybe, but a significant improvement.

The second doesnt need so much text, remember the purpose of a therapist is to help the client; here it feels like she's trying to be mysterious. Put it into simple terms. Think more about the logical order to tell that information.

Sexual mismatch -> slave mentality -> conclusion

The first paragraph is a bit bloated still. I don't like parried in this case for example, it doesn't fit the situatiom.Trim it down a bit but in terms of continuity, I'd say I'm getting a better image of the character throughout now.

Fourth again just needs tidying, cut excess or repetitive bits. The real stickler for me here is he describes it as his schemes, but not allowed to disappoint them. That power dynamic doesn't work for me, in that it sounds like their scheme that he is being forced into, despite it at one point being his desire. If so: "...when the Cult of NaN gave their latest order, I was finally able to act upon my debaucherous desire. The consequences of failing them outweighed my guilt in the moment and it all came crashing down on me now." Something more like that?

I hope that's helpful to you.

>>15386998

Cheers anon, point taken and i'll rephrase.

[Anonymous No.15387333]

>>15383884
>octopi
Greek, "octopodes" is preferred. Look into their copper based blood (bootleg liqour still/alchemical lab equipment callback/forth
>UNbaited net
>agglomer...
"surfeit of sealife retardation"
>abundant imagery
"the abundance of _____ imargery/QUEER sights"
The HPL mode is approximated decently

>>15385236
>Tendie Vampire

>>15382383
Fan of this glass teeth column line from the last thread. As a lantern fish, it's gives a false light/illumination (Antichrist fish to Jesus' "fisher of men"). Itching for the vestigial and cataracted eye image between the translucscent glass scythes and the black rock rock. It's closing in on menacing, but needs to be darker still, as though writing a curse.

>You may not feel them there at all
>Because I'm not really here.

>A pale thing sits on a black rock,
>And the sky churns over it
Next two lines remain too expository, require more image distillation,

[Anonymous No.15387414]

It also raises the question of, if the state of exception is a spontaneous order, that does not necessarily require that the sovereign’s rights be unlimited. Even spontaneous orders have rules, albeit complex and not universally followed. Thus, we can say that there could be unspoken and unwritten rules that impede the sovereign in the state of exception, namely, the social construction of human rights. It is likely that those carrying out the orders of the sovereign, as well as the public subject to the sovereign, would feel that there are certain actions that violate the fundamental dignity of human beings, and that violating these unspoken rules would thus still restrict the actions during the state of exception. This would mean that the sovereign is still subject to some form of social contract, even in the absence of a written constitution, and thus means that the state’s power isn’t unto itself, but still comes down to popular sovereignty. However, this solution still poses a problem for human rights as a concept, and for our particular dilemma of violations of them. Firstly, it requires us to accept that human rights are also socially constructed, and therefore are subject to public opinion. If human rights are merely socially constructed, then one could say that they are not universal or founded on human dignity, but rather simply the popular perception of human dignity, and if this is the case, then we could say that human rights differ from culture to culture. Moreover, it raises the problem of popular acceptance of the state of exception. In many states of exception, the public passively accepts the repression of civil and political rights without protest. If the social contract of the state of exception is socially constructed, then this means that it is possible for this social contract to de facto give unlimited power to the sovereign, and this would continue to hold dire consequences for human rights that must be resolved to fully address the state of exception as a concept.

Copy and pasted from a word document, so may be formatted badly.

[Anonymous No.15387435]

>>15387333
Some great shouts trip get anon, especially octopedes, wasn’t familiar with that at all. Will definitely incorporate them tomorrow.

[Anonymous No.15387566]

https://midnightcoffeesite.wordpress.com/2020/04/30/tiamat-the-mother/

Can I get a crit on this?

I got inspiration from Sumerian mythology and Jungian research.

[Anonymous No.15387721]

My girlfriend is a Poe fan so I thought I'd try to write something short (ended up around 1,500 words) that mimicked his style. Thoughts?

How long the fiend watched me in secret before I began to suspect, I cannot say. It may be that he spent long years watching me, examining in detail my most intimate moments while I, in my ignorance, left him to do as he pleased. Even now, knowing as I do that I have banished him for good, I shiver at the recollection of those years in which I was defenseless against his gaze.

My suspicions began as only the hint of an idea. For many months, I regarded them as mere fancy. But would you believe me now, were I to tell you how it was at the end? No! For that, first, I must tell you how my suspicions began. I will admit that I have always sensed in mirrors some unwholesome quality. No matter the clarity of the reflection, there is always some slight distortion, some difference in angle, some spot on the glass, to the effect that one's image is never exactly the same from one mirror to the next. And have you never entered a dim room and found yourself suddenly frozen in terror at the sight of a person across the room where you expected none, only to quickly realize your foolishness – that you simply gazed upon your own reflection?

I have always felt a sense of dread at the thought of gazing upon a mirror in a room which is too dimly lit for me to clearly discern my own features. But this I tell you in order to lend credence to my tale, for it is owing to this same fear that I take care to never look into a mirror unless I am certain I will see my reflection clearly.

It was one such morning while I was preparing myself for the day that I came to stand in front of my small mirror, intending to shave. I had left the window open and sunlight was pouring through, giving ample illumination for the task at hand. I had nearly finished and was preparing to rinse away the last bits of lather when – I swear to you – my reflection winked! I froze, razor forgotten in my hand, and stared into the mirror. Had I winked? I tell you, I did not! But what other explanation was there? I spent long minutes examining every inch of my reflection, endeavoring as I did so to keep my attention on my entire face, so that I might know for certain any movement which was not my own. But movement there was none. At length, I washed the lather from my face and told myself that it had been a trick of the mind, brought on by too little sleep the night before.

[Anonymous No.15387730]

>>15387721
plz critique though

[Anonymous No.15387898]

>>15387414
>>15387566
>>15387721
>>15387730
Read the OP, you incompetent children

[Anonymous No.15388005]

>>15387898
i hear you, homie, i'm >>15387730 and wanted the gf poe dude to critique some ppl first. generally, the ppl who don't critique don't write as well as though that do. there's some consolation in that.

[Anonymous No.15388485]

>>15369581
>1) OP must wait until 3 unique posts to post themselves
>2) Put larger submissions into an image or pastebin
>3) Crit someone before / as you post in order to receive criticism.
if only /lit used IDs.
Fuck your rules.

[Anonymous No.15388737]

Warmth was flowing away from his veins as the bitter bite of the South settled its jaws. He pelted himself with further coats but with each comfort came a relative discomfort, he struggled to find clothing that suited his needs whilst tailored to his wants. Settling on wool, he sheepishly exchanged his icy leather for a strapping snug skin.

[Anonymous No.15388759]

Hello everyone I am >>15369938 and will be returning critiques to all my (You)s shortly

[Anonymous No.15389099]

>>15387898
>>15387730
You're not on reddit, son. This autistic nonsense is why these threads are always such shit. >>15388485 understands how 4chan works. Why don't you? How do you know that people posting work for critique haven't offered many critiques already? How do you know they haven't been offering critiques in these threads for years and have only today decided to post their work? Why are you being an edgy little faggot for posts late in the thread but don't have any problem with early posts like
>>15370022
>>15369938
>>15370056
>>15370158
that offered no critiques but got 10 replies?

If you want e-cred and karma upvotes for people who have good critique/critique request ratios then there are dozens of sites you could be wasting your time on. But seriously though, link where you posted your writing in this thread and I'll tell you why it's trash.

[Anonymous No.15389125]

>>15388759

Ok. I'm not usually a poetry guy so here goes. Sorry Icouldn't get into more detail or if some of this seems hamfisted, I just don't have the time lol.

>>15370412

Thanks, that's pretty good interpretation. Did you find the bluntness effective, or a bit abrupt?
I like yours in that the language is simple and fairly clear, with no pointless obtuse images. It's tidy, and also has a consistent mood that kind of reminds me an angsty BoJack Horseman lying on the ground. The rhyming is a little too sing-songy for me though, and I would reconsider 'n'; comes across like you were just trying to fit it in.


>>15370833

The wristwatch is explicitly stated lol, it's in the title hiding in the subject line. As for yours, as someone else stated, the writing's technically proficient and easy to follow. The voice is consistent too (though maybe a little bit too refined) and so are the motifs. But I think you could shorten the story quite a bit, by cutting out some of the abstract wonderings of the narrator and focusing more on the action. Also, you wouldn't 'expel' a fin etc. That would seem to suggest dismembering. I could be reading it wrong. And I think you should redo the ending in the same style as the rest of the story.

>>15371474

I can't offer much about the expermental structure. One thing I could maybe suggest is reducing the last three lines on the left side to 'as we mark the moment / I was born.' At the moment the separation feels somewhat arbitrary.

>>15376344

Thanks. I think yours could be described as Gorgeous too. The two 'would' in the second line seem redundant. I'd keep the second one and change the first to 'if'. Also, the point of view shifting is slightly disorienting. If you could elaborate more on that I might be able to offer something more

>>15378032

Did you see I replied to them? Digits has a double meaning; it refers to not only my fingers, but the numbers on the watchface. Thank you though.

>>15378329

I like your take on the last stanza. I think if I change anything it will be the two lines you have and I actually prefer yours, but I prefer my version of the first stanza.

[Anonymous No.15389133]

>>15389099

>>15369938 here, just offered some critiques >>15389125

[Anonymous No.15389138]

I watched blue velvet
It’s by David lynch
It was very awkward
Almost kafkaesque

[Anonymous No.15389140]

>>15389099
good critiques make the thread more interesting, not shittier. otherwise, it's just walls of text or screenshotted ms word / txt files.i'd argue, too, that critiquing other ppl's works makes you a better / more analytical writer. why are you mad, though? it's not ridiculous to want to new posters to critique (even if older ones haven't). and you know what would have prevented this descent into this off-topic convo? if ppl critiqued one another.

[Anonymous No.15389145]

>>15389138
Empty

[Anonymous No.15389163]

>>15389099
This desu. I also wish crits here were less about people's own aesthetic sensibilities and more about things like where the reader's attention waxes and wanes. That kind of information is so much more useful than recommending word changes or line rewrites which is predominantly informed by ones own tastes than anything objective. Admittedly I myself am not exempt from this, but then my own work only got one word/one line critiques so maybe my tilt isn't worth a damn.

[Anonymous No.15389164]

>>15389145
Red walls and symbolism
Ears found, the plot is tragic
A whole film, a syllogism
Fuck you nigger faggot

[Anonymous No.15389185]

>>15369581
Warm cum drips across her forehead. Behind her ear, the elf was singing of melancholy as it drinks from the pot of gold filled with maggots and happiness. The coagulating batter skips down smooth to her brows. She asked me if I had any left. I said no. I'm drained like the soul of humanity. We embrace each other in the ocean and wait for our rebirth as one.

[Anonymous No.15389219]

>>15372383
I actually like the surprise way this ends. Everything up to that is basic and boring but kind of has to be for that to work, so the reader will forgive you for it if it's also competently basic. So I'd rewrite up to there like:

I want this lockdown to end.
I do not know the dead, I have not seen their faces.
I wish I could blame it on the Chinese
But that won't fill up all the empty places
I have had moments of longing
Moments of warmth, a newfound hope
But no more than moments, [come up with something not redundant here that rounds out the rhythm. moments and moments is just lazy]
Not enough subjects to fill those empty spaces*
*[I can't tell if you are still trying to keep up a rhyme scheme here, you used the "aces" rhyme for the first four lines then seemed to drop it on "newfound hope". decide this]
I am like a child again, but I do not feel the beauty
Instead living takes on* the quality of an empty duty
*[is that what you meant? a duty is an action, as such it's not a quality that a person such as the speaker could have]

The last two lines are perfect.

[Anonymous No.15389234]

>>15389163
It seems like a reader's aesthetic sensibility would be tied to his or her attention, right? I get frustrated by word changes or grammar-specific critiques too, but at the same time, specific words can be clunky or alter the whole piece, especially when it comes to poetry. It helps to have a reader that's well-read or attuned to what's not functioning for the whole (imo) and that can mean looking at very specific words and thinking about them rhetorically. It's why people in these threads who still use words like "thou" get piled-on (though, I don't think that's happened so much here. Link to your work, if you don't mind. I'll take a look at it.

[Anonymous No.15389289]

>>15389140
I'm not mad; I'm offering critiques of the posts I responded to.
>you know what would have prevented this descent into this off-topic convo? if ppl critiqued one another.
I'm pretty sure the beginning was some loser calling people sharing their art "incompetent children". Being a writer doesn't qualify you to be a critic and people shouldn't feel forced to offer their own dumb opinion if they don't feel they have anything worthwhile to say. There's nothing wrong with "Hey, post your work and read what other people have posted and if you see something you like, reply with a critique." Absolutely no need for autistic "rules" in the OP and these threads have been just fine in the past without them. Until we have ids or forced tripcodes then you have no way of knowing whether any posters, new or old, have offered critiques.

>>15389163
I personally find grammar to be the thing that pulls me out more than anything else, stuff like too frequent repetition of works or awkward sentence structure. My attention gets pulled into a piece and little things like that make me way too aware of the author's presence.

>>15389133
I wasn't trying to call you out, just pointing out that it's an anonymous board and calling out people for "not posting critiques" is stupid when you have no way of knowing whether or not they simply posted them separately from their writing.

[Anonymous No.15389302]

>>15389234
That's fair. For poetry, obviously aesthetics is king, I was really talking more about prose works. But even so, what I'm trying to get at is when the critiques limit themselves exclusively to aesthetic judgements.

For instance I'm pretty sure the story I posted (which is here: >>15372741) wasn't read all the way through. In fact I suspect most people probably read the opening paragraph I put in the post and didn't bother reading the rest (which in a way, served its purpose, but also backfired)--but of the people that did bother to follow the link, I have a feeling that they quit before they got to the end. Which is fine, but if I knew, e.g which line or paragraph was the deciding blow, I'd have a lead for the rewrite.

This is why live workshops can be useful (other than that they give you a reason to write), especially the ones that have you read your work aloud, because you can read the reaction on the audience's faces, then and there.

[Anonymous No.15389710]

>>15389163
I think the problem is that critiquing art is its own skill, and a lot of people aren't very good at it. So they focus on things like specific word choices which is down to sensibility and will probably get cleaned up anyway in a final draft, or they go line by line and attach each sentence individually without ever linking the work as a whole, and imo what's really needed is what feelings the piece invoke in the reader, and whether it 'hits the mark' for what it's going for.

[Anonymous No.15390384]

>>15370056
use commas. the writing is stilted. like a metronome. if writing to market, need strong opening hook.

>>15370833
reads like a journal entry. rambling. no idea what your goal is.

>>15372205
the distance between narrator and subject causes intrigue, but we quickly need a name and a hook. minor issues other people pointed out. close to reading like a history text.

>>15373875
readers like dialog and bickering. they need to bicker about something meaningful to a plot.

>>15376276
disjointed. need clear narrative line.

>>15379468
if you call them totems at the beginning keep calling them totems. add intrigue at the beginning like 'at twilight for the festival of __' or something to give the reader expectations, setting. i would read more.

>>15382272
proselytizing is not interesting. this cannot be a beginning, maybe a key point in the story after we know the characters. run on sentence is jarring.

>>15383512
cut the additional little. you can't open that dramatically and follow up with talking about octopus exports. it's annoying. the first line made a promise and built excitement. needs immediately follow up. i would like it much better and keep reading without the first line. i would edit first line so you still have a hook but more subtle. strange events, birds falling from sky, shared nightmares, whatever. softer touch.

[Anonymous No.15390453]

>>15390384

Octopus anon here.

Appreciate the feedback, point taken re: the cut to export.

I think keeping the beginning paragraph (removing the extra little), then adding a lead up paragraph or couple sentences into the octopus section would flow better.

"...extravagant Americas.

Despite it's cosiness, something now plagues me. Whether it be the result of my faculties beginning to fail or some other thing I have not considered, I do not know. But something tells me the damn octopus has a part to play."

Rather than go on about the export:

"I am of course, talking about the Cisket octopus, both thick in droves and unique to our island's waters..."

[Anonymous No.15390464]

>>15383234
It looks as though you've read some sonnets (probably Shakespeare judging from the rhyme scheme) and decided to have a go. What you've written doesn't really get off the ground, because it's too artificial-sounding and the rhyme and meter is still shaky (and it doesn't feel as though the shakiness is intentional).

>But if I could enclose them when they fly
this is a competent iambic pentameter line, but elsewhere there's a lot of missed syllables and uneven stresses.

What you do get right is the overall shape and rhythm of the argument. A sonnet only works with a sonnet-shaped and sonnet-sized thought. So starting with the container and filling it is good practice. The best thing is to alternate this with the opposite - i.e. start with what you want to say and try and fit it into a form. Eventually you work from both ends simultaneously.

I try to write one sonnet a day, nothing particularly inspired, but just to keep my hand in, in a purely technical sense - the equivalent of a pianist doing scales every day before breakfast..

Here's this morning's. It's about a Japanese cartoon which people argue about constantly. There are two main female characters - one with red hair, one with blue hair - and each has her army of fans. They've been fighting solidly for 25 years over which girl is better, haha.

---

NEON GENESIS EVANGELION

They're out again, with banners red and blue;
For more than twenty years this war's been fought:
As if each thinks his latest sharp retort
Might prove at last what's absolutely true.
Enlisting in the war demands a choice —
For extroverts the scarlet stands alone;
But neither is it hard to love the clone
Who's happier to die than raise her voice.

Negotiators rightly earn abuse;
Such platitudes show nothing but disdain
For dedicated saint and wounded child:
The only thing's to turn down every truce
And wall around forever in one's brain
A space where they can live unreconciled.

[Anonymous No.15390539]

>>15389125
I guess I would find it abrupt, however, I also believe you meant for it to be that way so it doesn't seem like it is out of place, it's simply unexpected, or perhaps a little juxtaposed when compared with the rest of the language.
It doesn't come off as out of place.

[Anonymous No.15390909]

>>15369581
Some kind anon critiqued an old poem of mine I posted here, and I've completely re-written it.
1/2

Narrator:
Listening to Liffey’s | lowly lilt,
Through the Phoenix | two friends tread.
As normal at match | on missive’s mettle
With Trinitarian | retelling what’s said.

Edward:
The Prussian’s product’s | being parsed and pulled
To the kernel board | the Berlin bench,
Transcendental turned | to Intellect.
All academics | Absolutely wrenched,
Our faces lit | by fulvous light,
No fame in the labour | of lamp and quill.
The men slave | and science marches
On Deutsch Spinozist’s | Yggdrasil.

Faust:
Your Collegemen clothes | like civics change
Move dogmas vogue | a vile switch,
Gone the admirable | Aristotle,
Here to Hegel | our Geist is hitched.
Consider by truss | the Sun’s simile,
The school’s an umbra | to understanding.
The Kantian mass, | a cargo of meanings,
Only Immanuel | Labels the landing!
Slice a slab, | give it a suffix,
Portion your pains | for pedant palate,
Butchery befits | the teacher’s business.
But fustian claim | to know cow from fillet.
To confuse the studies | heuristics for means
And crop of reason | retards the mind.
Philosophies dirge, | trading in terms,
For all your swans | are geese I find.

Edward:
Erin to amber | auburn to bare
Leaves alter hue | from habit’s trend,
Yet still there stands | the stalk and trunk.
Faith persists | though fancy penned.
Monsieur aloof | of à la mode
Ignoran’ du fil | in history.
Today’s torpeur | textile libates
Solemn pneuma, | moderne machine.

Faust:
Monsieur incumbent | indifference about
Your tale of time’s | terrible turn
Is through and through | brother will do
Piddly new | no altered stern.

Narrator:
Their bicker and humour | abides with heart.
In park a pageant | peripety
Of blithe breath | from blah and bore
Obacht, petite | embrace pretty.

Edward:
These people gush | unguided plain
So we can rest | our weary rues.
Their peppers and mien | seesaw with glee-

Faust:
Keine liebe | bleibt muse.

[Anonymous No.15390916]

>>15390909
2/2

Her bosom bored | his body, base.
Their promise made | a bondage mien .
The passion’s pace | is brief in place
The bottled parts | turn putrid wine.
The love is lost | they lick the lot
Where coy deceit, | from choir divine,
Sold the pure | purpose styled,
A fetid false | thought perfumed fine.
Nature’s inertia | from rest to respond
De trop desires | dabble in vie,
Any longing | and all elates
Directly made | from displeasure’s die.
The desires’ ends | endeared as seed
Are but the means | to displeasure’s end.
Desire and pique | appear to me
Identical | in their distend.
In fact, umbrage’s | frisk eminence
Seems to be | exactly the
Immensity of | pleasure perceived
The appetites end | attends to thee.
Your clothed heralds | heed to cot,
The bread to be | forget me not,
But see the adage | of accident sin
Born forsake | bastard forgot.
Gathered in hives, | God’s hypocrites
Tell famed fables | of man’s fall,
Your idle fancy; | Devil’s wager.

Edward:
What weal you wilt | to wail at wall!
What confidence! | I contradict,
Though desires | like lunar drag,
Love is lush | its blind tide
Unlike unseeing | craving snag.
Freyr unfettered | his veil doffed,
Scud’s cleared | in Clíodhna’s coupling,
And troubles changed | to charming art.
While some defame | in sin, fumbling.
Who waste grace, | sloughing loving?
Umpteen affects | facts, nothing.

[Anonymous No.15391105]

>>15390453
yes, absolutely 5000% better. i now care about the octopus. it matters. i want to know more.

[Anonymous No.15391175]

Look, i am a virgin and i do not have long left before it is a permanent affliction. I don't know how this need is communicated between two consenting adults in Poland - heck, I don't even know how one communicates it in my country - but i get sexually frustrated and i am sick and tired of it being denied and ridiculed. I would rather have it be gone forever and finally unchained from the anguish that has plagued me since i was eleven, than have to satisfy myself one second longer. Must I castrate myself to make my point any clearer? If i am a creep for having these urges, then believe me, I have done my penance since birth. I honestly feel like I have been used.

[Anonymous No.15391187]

>>15391105

Cheers anon.

[Anonymous No.15391391]

>>15387173

(Ilija anon)

Will return tonight and look at your updates on the octupi section as well.

[Anonymous No.15391861]

As I pass through the street
A man of swarthy complexion!
Accompanied by a stench most foul
Woe to the man who gave beasts rights!

[Anonymous No.15391956]

>>15373875
>Women
>Poetry
Dropped

[Anonymous No.15391991]

>>15391105

I'm questioning whether I'm following a sensible flow, or whether I need to re-order the paragraphs, but I think that your feedback improved the content significantly.

[Anonymous No.15392338]

>>15391991
move the mid-life crisis paragraph to the bottom and put the 'there is little to cisket' directly above. see how it feels. to me the intro flows better and in its new place those are now a segue. additionally, the mid-life crisis paragraph is then not inserted into the middle of the octopus stuff, which is what the reader really cares about. you could leave the mid-life crisis stuff but i would cut it and show it later instead -- show the teasing, have all that dialog happen with the wife. its placement this early in the story is a bit odd because, again, writing about the last account of mankind and then this introspective mid-life crisis does not quite follow. if it is this early in the story, it must be very important and recurring in the story.

but again, i would cut that paragraph, move 'there is little to cisket' to the bottom, and show the mid-life crisis with dialoge later and not make such a big deal out of it. its current placement smack in the middle of the main focus, the weird octopus, makes the reader think it must also be extremely important to be included here, where it breaks up critical information about the apocalypse.

[Anonymous No.15392461]

it was raining and i wrote this in ten minutes. could i potentially have something to contribute in a larger sense?

The rain today is breathtaking. Not in a visual way, though we humans have a curious predilection to associate all things aesthete with ocular stimuli even though Stevie Wonder lives, but in an all-encompassing mutification, as if Zeus dropped a lithium and toned things down. The sound, the trees, the patter, the clouds, normally so defined in regal flexion, relegated to a glass of ice water spilled on a blank scratchy canvas, the birds, cautious songs, the people feel it, just a vast swath of mood dulling Agent Gray passing over geography and stunting time until it moves on and everyone rebounds to their daily fritter, but now I am inside of it.

Light on every wall is so soft that the room is unrecognizable reminding us that vain attempts to force order like cardinal direction and solar planning have no place here, smiting every sundial and weathervane to smithereens and not shouting and not whispering, not even speaking audibly, moreso emanating, coaxing from within your own body: wait.The smell, fresh manure and blueberries and spent flint and old earth wafts in like an inside joke I am not privy to so long as I remain in this tender dandelion body.

[Anonymous No.15392506]

>>15392338

I'll give that a tweak and see how it feels.

You're right about the introspection not quite following and that is integral to the plot I have outlined. Spoilers: You're not following Pabodie's account.

[Anonymous No.15393648]

>>15392461

This isn't my kind of literature so take what I say with a pinch of salt.

It's bad.

It's a word salad trying to sound profound, overloaded with words that take away rather than add.

[Anonymous No.15393663]

>>15391991

>... degree of size that I and most, have never ...

Consider "... degree of size that I, and most,"

> ... that I cannot fathom to exist in the extravagant Americas.

This part of the sentence feels out of place somehow. Needs minimal tweeking.

The paragraph that starts with "I am due to turn forty soon" feels like it's missing a proper segway. I agree with the previous anon, that the introspection is a stark contrast and it comes on very sudden. Personally I really enjoy the description of the island and the octopodes, so maybe I'm bias.

Regarding the flow, I think it's very sensible. The only spot where I react is in the shift between the two paragraphs mentioned above.

I wouldn't mind seeing a larger elaboration on his loathing of otcopus, I think it could fit in the paragraph before "I am due".

Keep up the fine work, I'm listening to a shitload of Lovecraft right now and this is just up that alley. Your flow from sentence to sentence is performed really well, it's a treat to read.

[Anonymous No.15393681]

>>15390384
>if you call them totems at the beginning keep calling them totems. add intrigue at the beginning like 'at twilight for the festival of __' or something to give the reader expectations, setting. i would read more.

Thank you

[Anonymous No.15393735]

>>15393648
>It's a word salad trying to sound profound, overloaded with words that take away rather than add.

thanks senpai. probably will have to do a lot of editing

[Anonymous No.15393751]

>>15393663
this was okay. i would have trouble reading it simply because i don't vibe with this narrator as massive sniveling loser.

[Anonymous No.15393757]

>>15393663

first paragraph is poop, need to cut it

[Anonymous No.15393782]

>>15393751

dat anon here

You saying that he's not a credible looser?

[Anonymous No.15393846]

>>15393663
Would you mind quoting the previous iterations of your rewrite in your posts? It makes it easier to compare when you don't have to go searching through the thread.

Anyway, I think this kind of "high" style doesn't suit you (or perhaps doesn't suit the story). It sounds forced and awkward starting from the very first sentence. I couldn't find the previous version of this, but from what I remember it was a lot better (or at least the second half of this)

[Anonymous No.15393958]

>>15393663

It's that time of the evenig Ilijanon!

I'm going assume that this:

>I'm visualizing it as a novel. Socially self-isolated guy stuck in normie life with a wife who constantly diminishes him and he accidentally joins a cult of sorts that gives him these assignments, gradually gets weirder and that's about the jist of it.

Hasn't changed and therefore the narrative for the latest submission as well. On that basis:

Paragraph 1: You have all the elements here to really sell his emotions, but it's a little excessive still.

>I haven't eaten since yesterday. It's not the cause of my nausea; the real cause is an hour away. As time runs down I find my lips trembling with every exhilation. I'm fighting back tears. A losing battle. I try gritting my teeth, anything to stop the trembling; biting down hard does nothing to relax my wrecked nerves. In my mind I'm debating more torturous remedies, biting my arm or a nail into my thigh. Iliaja's childish play around the room remind me of the appropriateness.

Paragraph 2: I like this line about being the mutation, though I think it would be worded better through evolution.

>I'm the latest in the long line of morons, stretching back to nascent life whose procreation can only be explained by accident. And I am that accumulated moron gene incarnate.

I think you've lost a little coherence about the cheating. Take out the bit about being trained to lie. Don't compare to birthdays etc, they're not similar thoughts. Maybe more like "It's like a fantasy of..."

I think you could go a little harder with the explanation from the psychologist.

>"Your wife takes every opportunity to emasculate you, to the point where she won't even touch you without recoil. Yet, even though you have every excuse in the book, you won't initiate an affair. You have a slave mentality, both to your wife and the thought of disappointing your mother."

Paragraph 3: Lost it's way again. If I had any sympathy for the guy, it's lost here where he's acting more like a child. How old is this guy supposed to be? Mature the actions a little.

>"Small acts of defiance give me kicks, but that therapists' words ring true. I really am a slave under my wife's thumb. My attempts to make her leave me are proof I'm barely a man."

Paragraph 4: It's a cult, so if you want to keep them in mystery, this is the time to "hide" information. Don't refer to them as a cult.

>"Everything changed when NaN gave me the order. Suddenly the status of loser meant nothing, their word was law and I must obey. It's not like I can run from them either, they're everywhere. They're in everything. Before I realised the consequences of letting them in, they had me firmly in their grasp."

As usual, hope my advice is useful to you.

[Anonymous No.15393974]

>>15393846

>>>15386876

Here's the last one prior to this. The first paragraph in the latest edit should just be removed entirely, agreed that it's useless for the story.

Does it work when starting from the second paragraph? Would obviously need some filling to set the stage.

[Anonymous No.15393978]

>>15393782
he's credibly a loser. i just personally would not enjoy reading about such a loser. i couldn't even finish lolita.

[Anonymous No.15394095]

>>15393974
Yeah the first one definitely reads better and is more engaging. And no, I think problem is in the style. Your natural style seems to be something more conversational and informal and when you try to force formality it becomes ridiculous because you unconsciously revert back. You write "Money well spent, and a lesson swift forgotten" in one line and then "I'm gonna be sick" in another. Unless your intention is comedic (which doesn't seem to be the case), that kind of abrupt transition in style/diction takes the reader out of the story.

[Anonymous No.15394108]

An excerpt from a recent story.
https://pastebin.com/embed_js/yEEqKrw7

[Anonymous No.15394122]

>>15393735

Now with constructive criticism:

I think you need to think more about what you're trying to say, and then if you want to do flowery language, find ways to articulate it.

>"The rain today is breathtaking. Not only visually, which we humans have a curious predilection to, but in it's transcendent all. The sound, the refreshed memories..."

This is just a template, but see how it's simple enough to convey the imagery, without me having to find out who Stevie Wonder is, or what Zeus is doing carrying lithium and how he then toned things down.

If you want to go for more deity related imagery, then I think you could definitely turn the entire setence that way. I'd describe it as droplets of liquid sky, poured from Zeus' chalice or something.

The second bit I really don't like. It clashes a lot.

Sundials rely on sunlight to work, how is light smiting them into smithereens? The imagery doesn't work for me. Guide me through how you're experiencing these things.

Hope that helps!

[Anonymous No.15394220]

>>15394108

Your style is pretty consistent throughout, which is good.

Paragraph 1: shorten the list of interruptions:

>"Neighors, gunshots and sirens to name a few"

>Remove asymmetrically.
>Change ammonium carbonate to smelling salts. Saves people having to look up what it is.

I'd change the last couple sentences:

>Clawing himself until sufficiently alert, he sat and stared at the blank wall opposing him. The noise returned. It seemed louder..."

>Lucid enough, Mr. X decided to investigate what new thing had hijacked his nighttime serenity.

Paragraph 2: I think there's a lot more fluff in here you could cut, but rather than comb toothing it, it's solid enough you can probably see where.

[Anonymous No.15394264]

>>15394220
Thanks for the crit. -- all really helpful suggestions.

[Anonymous No.15394319]

>>15394108
Too much "filtering" (I believe that's what its called), that is, filtering the action through the writer's pen rather than going to it instantly. e.g

>...grabbed his phone to check the time. It was half-past three.

"to check the time" is already given to us by the "half-past three" and can be omitted. Filtering generally indicates a "show-don't-tell" problem. And words like "felt", "saw", "watched", "stared" are indicators of filtering.

It's also overwritten, with too many smilies and metaphors coming too soon after another. Try writing this again without using any simile or metaphor but only using action and setting to establish emotion and characterization.

[Anonymous No.15394320]

Ermengarde Stubbs was the beauteous blonde daughter of Hiram Stubbs, a poor but honest farmer-bootlegger of Hogton, Vt. Her name was originally Ethyl Ermengarde, but her father persuaded her to drop the praenomen after the passage of the 18th Amendment, averring that it made him thirsty by reminding him of ethyl alcohol, C2H5OH. His own products contained mostly methyl or wood alcohol, CH3OH. Ermengarde confessed to sixteen summers, and branded as mendacious all reports to the effect that she was thirty. She had large black eyes, a prominent Roman nose, light hair which was never dark at the roots except when the local drug store was short on supplies, and a beautiful but inexpensive complexion. She was about 5ft 5.33...in tall, weighed 115.47 lbs. on her father’s corn scales—also off them—and was adjudged most lovely by all the village swains who admired her father’s farm and liked his liquid crops.

[Anonymous No.15394337]

>>15382272
Reads like an angsty piece of teen fiction. If that's an intro, that's a very poor one that does not hook the reader in. No one starts off a novel by immediately preaching in the reader's face about a belief (a very empty one in your case). To me, this piece seems artificial.

[Anonymous No.15394410]

>>15394319
Also good advice, thanks. I definitely see your point re: filtering.

[Anonymous No.15394469]

I looked up at the knife spiraling downwards towards me. I moved but too slow with the injuries at hand, the knife caught my forearm and with such force it pinned me to the floor. It landed right in the middle of one of the bitemarks coating my arm. I groaned as a wave of swirling pain spread out in my body, making my head spin. From somewhere inside the house I could hear Heather scream alongside a dry cackle.
How could this have happened?! How could this be happening?! I thought desperately as I looked up at the figure atop of the stairs.
It's eyeballs were no longer hanging by it's strands but instead being lifted and contorted by them as though they had sentience of their own. The figure levitated up and started to float down the stairs. I grabbed at the knife handle and yanked at it with all my strength, making it only budge in the slightest. I yanked and pulled in futile before a clawed hand came over mine and gripped it tightly.
It yanked the knife out of the floor and my arm and lifted me up until I was face to face with the evil I had seen in the cabin. It's extremely bloodshot eyeballs focused on me.
"I've descended," It's voice cracked out at me.

[Anonymous No.15394623]

>>15394469

You have all the elements for the imagery, but it’s clumsily written. I also can’t tell if you’re trying for horror or more general sci-fi/fantasy.

Couple suggestions off the cuff:

>slowed by my amassed injuries, my forearm spasmed as the knife landed squarely in one of the bite marks. Wincing in pain, i found myself now pinned to the ground. Another fresh wave of pain shot through me.

If you’re going for horror, take the second paragraph to really sell it. Make me feel disgust, panic, inevitability. Levitating slowly is a cliché best avoided.

You also use yanked 3x in the mext 3 sentences. It’s boring. Do something to add to the futility of the situation. Look around frantically, shout and scream at this thing.

I’m going to assume “i’ve descended” means something to the story, but in the snippit provided it’s a buzzkill. Give me something with impact.

[Anonymous No.15394701]

I've been thinking about writing a story involving racing, something along the lines of rally or even Formula one, but I've been stuck on writing scenes where they're actually racing and making it both entertaining and still be easy to read, does anyone know of any book that does action scenes in racing? I haven't been able to find a single one

[Anonymous No.15394739]

>>15394701
Maybe try looking at radio broadcasts of past famous races? Or newspaper articles?

[Anonymous No.15394743]

>>15394701
Watch some racing movies, write descriptions of the racing scenes, and see if you can arrive at a compelling style

[Anonymous No.15394756]

Boomer Hell

"I'm on a Highway to Hell" blasted through the radio of Dale's yellow Hummer. The doors were off and the world was free to see his knee-length jorts and "Don't F With Me I'm A Forklift Driver" sleeveless tee. His big grey mustache waved in the breeze as he took a drink from his 30oz Big Gulp Coke slushie. He knew Dr Goldberg told him he had to cut down on sugar, but what the fuck did doctors know? It was 6am and Dale had to get to the John Deere store right away to beat the morning rush. The motor on his pushmower died half an hour earlier when he was trying to get an early start to mowing his lawn and Dale was going to treat himself to a new tractor. After all, there wasn't anything in the world that beat the smell of fresh cut grass.

He finished his coke and threw the cup out the door as he pulled up to a stop sign. It didn't matter, almost nobody was up this early and that's why Dale loved it. He noticed a couple hot 20-somethings running down the street. Time to pull one of my famous moves, he thought. "Hey, looking good ladies!" he yelled as he sped away. Oh yeah, still got it.

Dale finally pulled up to the lawnmower store and parked right in front. For some reason there were no other cars in the parking lot but Dale didn't think anything of it, he probably just beat the crowd. As he walked up to the store he realized no lights were on and when he pulled on the door it was locked shut. What the hell? Then Dale noticed a piece of paper taped to the door: Closed for Coronavirus. "Are you fucking kidding me?" Dale mumbled to himself. His face went red with anger and he began furiously pulling at the door but it wouldn't budge. "God dammit fucking shit I need a lawnmower!" Dale said, this time screaming out loud. He began banging on the glass door like a mad man. "T-This can't be! I need my god damned lawnmotor!"

[Anonymous No.15394774]

>>15394469
Too flat, if you're going for horror you need to be more evocative with your descriptions, for example in the last line:
>"I've descended" It's voice cracked at me.
I get it's supposed to be this supernatural being but none of that is being transmitted outside a shallow physical description. Try to describe better how the characters feel in a situation instead of just putting them in a scary situation and expecting the readers imagination to do the rest.

[Anonymous No.15394866]

>>15394774
Forgot to paste my link. Please fuck this shit up:
https://pastebin.com/XyR7MC4m

[illiterate (www.larthurhunt.co(...) No.15395449]

>>15394108

I don't know, not really feeling it. A lot of unnecessary words tossed in. Clutters the page. Clogs the sentences. Stifles the image. I'd say cut, cut, cut. That's just my style, though.

[Anonymous No.15395990]

>>15394866
Too much left to the reader. I need to know more. Who was she? Why do I care? Who is this main character? There’s a good start here, but it needs more.

[Anonymous No.15396020]

>>15370180
I would certainly read more this is good, a few grammar mistakes but that's obvious. Seems you have a good idea going

[Anonymous No.15396095]

https://pastebin.com/vwhFf14R
I'm still new really new to this so I can't offer much useful criticism but i'll give it a go
>>15394866
This isn't bad but I admittedly liked the first half more than the second half. I would like to read more about this event but it almost reads as if it won't be revisited.
>>15394469
This gives me a similar feeling to when i'm watching a horror movie i'm struggling to take seriously. I want to feel really unsettled by what i'm reading but cant
>>15394320
It doesn't feel like I have much to say about this, think you should post more to get good responses. Nice descriptions I suppose, the connection to her roots and the drug store supply is kinda funny but I don't know if that's what you were going for

[Anonymous No.15396145]

>>15370056
Too many periods and sudden ends to sentences. Sounds like a poem.

[Anonymous No.15396211]

I am a mouse under a burning tree,
and yet the tree,
the ashes trampled by heavy rain

[Anonymous No.15396231]

>>15385236
I can picture this over a minor piano bassline as a handful of crouching actors in period clothing snap across the stage. Probably the best thing in this thread.

[Anonymous No.15397038]

>>15394095
>>15393958

Mega-thanks for the crit! I'll go through it and give it another go tonight.

Interesting thought on the style, I've never thought of it that way before but you are 100% correct about my natural style being informal. This text is a deviation from the "standard", trying to explore something new and generally fuck about.

Got another project I've been working on for two years where I'm more comfortable with the style, but I temporarily paused it due to it being too incomprehensible/violent.

[Anonymous No.15397158]

As Poppy watches over Johnny’s sleeping body she is forced to wonder if her life would have been better if she had been born 100 years ago.

Johnny had been moving, twitching, shaking for a couple of hours, and she was glad it had come to rest.

She had tried to ask the kid with the Karl Marx kid what was in the cake, but he had only told her it was a drug potent enough to knock Hunter S Thompson dead.

If she had been born 100 or even 200 hundred years ago, she would be much more anonymous, she would never have to deal with trolls and haters.

It was five when she had realised she was rich, or at least that she had more than most.

She had been at a friend's house when she had shown her her barbie collection. There were three, only three of them in her whole collection. Little Poppy had asked where the rest were. At her home she had barbies of every skin colour and every job description, she had bakers, boxers, astronauts, even Ken dolls.

Ever since that day when she had seen that little sad expression on her friends face, she realised she wasn’t normal. Her douchebag brothers didn’t help, they didn’t even have the good sense to feel guilty for their wealth. Her older brother was a wannabe gangster, and a fucking cultural appropriater, he said the fucking n word.

Her little brother, what to say about him? He wasted the family fortune on drugs and prostitutes. She had such a hatred for him whenever she heard how much he spent on drugs. Their father knew nothing, always just trying to organise the next fight.

She had tried, oh how she had tried to renounce her wealth. She was only eight when she started donating her pocket money to needy inner city kids. When her father had found out, he had doubled her allowance, giving her enough to donate and enough to spend. This didn’t feel the same to her, but she didn’t donate twice as much.

She had tried to make a difference at Harvard, she started a feminist group, before being ousted for being a 1 percenter, not a single girl had stuck up for her, the vote was unanimous. She never turned up to another meeting, claiming coursework concerns, but she wrote a generous monthly cheque.

[Anonymous No.15397361]

>>15369581
THIS INEVITABLE WEIGHT-

From the formless form, from the shapeless shape
Pulled from the Void, I
and this inevitable weight

Strange bedfellows have we been of late,
myself and this inevitable weight

First it was subtle, light and strange; now I reiterate
Nothing quite so familiar as
This inevitable weight

Bliss, will and agency I do abdicate,
Despair and anhedonia are the charge of
This inevitable weight

Cool tranquility,
I helplessly watch it dissipate
Crumbling beneath
this inevitable weight

Madness in repetition, in loneliness great
I am now bound as if by fate
To something inescapable
This inevitable weight

Alienated by suffering
Imprisoned by self hate
I am no longer myself save for
This inevitable weight

[Anonymous No.15397443]

>>15396231
I can see it haha, thanks

[Anonymous No.15397476]

Love us dirty, for they love us clean.
Ours is murky, to them too obscene.
The moon hangs low. Let the world see.
Cupid's bow, indeed has struck me.

[Anonymous No.15398063]

>>15394122
>without me having to find out who stevie wonder is
wait you don't know who stevie wonder is?
>what zeus is doing carrying lithium
lithium is a bipolarity drug
>sundials rely on sunlight to work
obviously this is about overcast light. a sundial wouldn't work. you lose your sense of place and time. i agree this could be better explained to a sperg like you, but thank you for sharing your trap card. i thought i was getting legit criticism for a sec and you don't even know who stevie wonder is

[Anonymous No.15398273]

>>15398063

You've managed to completely miss the point of the critique. Working backwards:

Obviously it's about overcast light, but smiting into smithereens does not fit. Rendering useless? Sure, but what kind of powerful smite does absolutely fuck all to the object it's smiting?

Why is Zeus popping bipolarity drugs? you've managed to make a badass god sound dull.

Yes, I dont know who he is, nor care. the point is you're throwing names around and it dirsupts the flow. By shoving them into the same sentence you're comparing even if indIrectly stevie with Zeus.

The structure doesn't work.

[Anonymous No.15398282]

willwe notice the trees,now that
time's not in minutes but seasons

now that there's cracks in the
streets and that love and the ways
that it feels have new meanings, and

will we notice the plants,now that
we can't pretend they don't see us

now that we all move our hands
to the sun and pull out our lungs
as the breeze that we catch is what

breathes us, will we notice the grass
our own hands our own feelings,will

we notice the trees, and allow them
to free us?

[Anonymous No.15399189]

>>15395449
Another (more ruthless) round of editing for syntax to address the clutter and the filtering issues mentioned by another anon should help to focus things a bit. The verbiage becomes more precise following the tone-setting done at the beginning (the portion reflected in the excerpt), but it would benefit definitely benefit from more fluidity here. Appreciate the feedback, anon.

[Anonymous No.15399195]

>>15395449
Another (more ruthless) round of editing for syntax to address the clutter and the filtering issues mentioned by another anon should help to focus things a bit. The verbiage becomes more precise following the tone-setting done at the beginning (the portion reflected in the excerpt), but it would definitely benefit from more fluidity here. Appreciate the feedback.

[Anonymous No.15399705]

>>15398273
you also missed the point of my critique.

by not knowing stevie wonder you have outed yourself as a zoomer or extreme incel, most likely both.

by not wanting to care who stevie wonder is you're just a tragic human.

[Anonymous No.15399715]

something to keep in mind: aim for clear prose. it should be invisible to the reader. an agent wants a storyteller, not a clever copywriter. if the partial request is boring, weak narrative line, bland voice, not enough drama -- into the trash. there will be many rounds of revision with an editor, perhaps with the agent before that. you need to grab their attention with interesting ideas, settings, characters.

the first sentence, first paragarph, first page are absolutely critical in grabbing the reader's attention. no room for fluff or meandering. the first chapter should be like a short story that segues and sets the stage for chapter two. like an appetizer before a main course.

[Anonymous No.15400150]

Is this poem good enough for me to send to a girl I like?

The budding flower in the month of May,
The sun that shields me with its shining ray
From all the precipices of the day
And lights for me to happiness the way
'tis what you are to me

Most graceful angel with diaphanous wings!
The holiest of all the holy things
Is that which glee and marvel to me brings,
To which the host of Heaven an ode sings
That is my love for you.

And though so far away you seem to be
The dearest maiden you'll remain to me
And so to fate I shall put forth my plea
That one day I'll delight myself in thee
Because I love you so.

[Anonymous No.15400531]

>>15400150
nah. The rhyme scheme is pretty basic, unless she's knocking about reading Spenser and Shakespeare I'm not sure how much she'll appreciate getting theed and thoud to death, also iss a bit direct, some ambiguity would be better I think.

Although I'm not sure how much that last point matters coming from me, because as you can see I've basically got the exact opposite issue. Even I don't know what I'm trying to say with this.

[Anonymous No.15400568]

>>15400531
>Even I don't know what I'm trying to say with this.
The other half of my poems are like that. I thought I'd be more straightforward this time around. She's a very loving, corny kind of person so I figured she might like it.

[Anonymous No.15400720]

>>15400568
alrite well if you think that'll work well then go for it lad. Could still improve the rhymes tho and update the language, unless she is actually into reading stuff of that period. I know this this is a bit of a contradiction but I think it'd be good if you read some of Shakespeare's sonnets and like ya know take some inspiration and that, just update the language and what have you.

[Anonymous No.15400989]

What do you think of this pretty silly Coronavirus poem I just wrote ?
do we keep on our masks
to hide away the smiles
that would otherwise
devour us? ask theeyes
we left to stand for us

and
what's ourreason to resist?

assilent sour holograms
those lost eyes thatcan't
talk to us have promised us
- once our masks come off
and smiles have swallowed us -

a kiss

[Anonymous No.15401647]

>>15369581
Hokusai is based

[Anonymous No.15401997]

It's in Swedish sadly but yeah. Here's an excerpt from a thing I'm working on!

[Anonymous No.15402196]

>>15391991
>>15393663
>>15392338


Had a re-jig. My thoughts were to move the mid-life crisis stuff to the next chapter and make chapter I more on the octopus.

[Anonymous No.15402407]

Pinkie

at their party I served cocktails,
the commander was in uniform,
he strolled about the gathering.
I itched my fingers,
he stood in the gallery looking at a painting.
the title read “Pinkie”
and was of a girl in pink and white
standing before a storm.

I offered him a drink, he asked me, “who is she?”
‘Sarah Moulton’
“what happened to her?”
‘she died a year after that was painted.’

he sipped his martini, and stared at her eyes.

[Anonymous No.15402681]

>>15394623
>>15394774
>>15396095
I appreciate the crit, thanks!

[Anonymous No.15403885]

The night’s eternal flood against my window
And the leaves synchronizing with a key
A key as subtle as a daydream
Their music is a mirror of seclusion
My life mirrored like moonlight on the sea

[Anonymous No.15404144]

>>15400720
Thanks anon, I took some of the verses and I'm trying to integrate them into something better.

[Anonymous No.15404563]

How should world building be done? Let's say in my story I have an alternate dimension, should certain things be told right at the beginning to explain the rules or should they come later in conversation between characters? I feel through characters is more natural but I don't want people to think I'm just inventing random things throughout the story since it wasn't explained in the very beginning

[Anonymous No.15404611]

Is this bad?

[Anonymous No.15404689]

>>15397158
This is pretty good. The satire is snappy, prose is brisk and the ending made me laugh. Small things like wrong punctuation are the only things i've noticed.

Here's mine: Too pretentious? Considering cutting it out of my larger work.

Appalachia--sucked dry by corporatists, nursed on a teat of methamphetamine and fast food. What little prestige the region ever had was gone forever in each closed storefront, each mugshot, each death of an old man or woman mourning the slide into destitution of their beautiful home. Rivers ran with slag, mountains that had risen millions of years ago were blasted apart.

Coal--coal, black gold, entwined intrinsically with Appalachia in a dance of love and hate. The corpulent profiteers in their tailcoats had flashed their bills, and so they toiled under the earth for the promise of a mouthful of soup in their childs' mouth. Each day, sweat running down their backs and coal dust shriveling their lungs for a few pennies. Not much money was to be made as a coal miner--but now, unions and regulations have fought a steep battle upward, and coal mining is often the only well paying job around.

The barren wasteland of shuttered store fronts, gas stations and steep, craggy mountains rose around them like a circle of hell as they pulled into a Tesco. The asphalt underneath their shoes was cracked, sealed, paved over with tar a hundred times, but it, like Appalachia, was falling apart--unable to be put back together.

[Anonymous No.15404834]

Worshipping the opening line of my novel, as that alone is more important than any theme or prose. The pun is a dealbreaker I'm not giving it up

>Anon, he would gaze upon her one last time, though he knew it yet not.


>>15404563
Little at the start, more throughout so you don't overwhelm the reader

[Anonymous No.15405299]

>>15396211
Interesting image (mouldering tree husk in the rain), needs clarification; last line sentence fragment is off-putting.

>>15397361
The refrain tries one's patience, restrict it to two instances (front and back), and play with repeating it by other means in between.

>>15398282
This is approaching good
4th/5th stanza is the weak link, distillate it.

>>15400150
>Is this poem good enough for me to send to a girl I like?
You'll get farther with humor unless >>15400531
is the case

>>15400531
>Stolid
change
>brook of glass; panes of glass
glass brooks, window panes -- can't stand repetition at this frequency with doubled "of glass'
>clear as ... cathedral walls
"as" is already in play, "those of" specificity is superfluous; other option "clear as those cathedral walls"
>fiery madness ... Madness, now
Same issue as glass-glass above, if slightly more justifiable. This has to be resolved. "which was now" prolix on the model of "those of cathedral..." redundancies. You've established heat and insanity, which stands against the watery final lines -- start with "Whose heat ..." or something to that effect

Quiet decent and getting close, the first stanza reall sets the tone for the others to be brought up to. Finally:
>"Conflagration of the cosmos"
"Black swan" is preferable for eclipse/anomaly resonances, "in the cosmos" -- specificity here is desirable as an intrinsic quality of the universe being in action, as opposed to some amorphous de-structuring of the universe that can't be apprehended.

>>15400989
>What do you think of this pretty silly Coronavirus poem I just wrote ?
>do we keep on our masks
>to hide away the smiles
>that would otherwise
>devour us?
The idea is good, that this is inducing depersonalization of the eponymous Hollow Men with the void of gaining face and flexing on social media rendered existentially null. This could be equal parts humorous and dark, -- be more 'Roman' about the treatment, it's worthwhile.

>>15402196
Rare to see more than two iteration in a thread like this, interesting to see this come along.

>>15402407
>'she died after that was painted a year ago"
Closer in time, more specific and matter of fact which we'd expect from a military man. Alternatively,
>"She died [the] year after that/it was painted"
Possibility of being alive yet "dead to him" left open

The autobiographical story is intriguing, but the question of the colour of the eyes being passed over is deflating.
>... stared/gazed [at/into] her/Pinkies eyes

>looking at a [portrait]
alt. continuing as though from the gallery title card below it
>"Pinkie:
>A girl in pink and white>
>standing before/in a storm."

Good story, good mystery, minimal cinching up required.


>>15403885
>...leaves synchronizing [to/in the same] key
Go with the music metaphor further; ^ sets up the third line, and as is the "door key" assumption adds nothing waiting for that third line payoff
>My life['s]/lives mirror(ed) on the moonlit sea
Avoid simile>personify

[Anonymous No.15405308]

>>15404689
>Here's mine: Too pretentious? Considering cutting it out of my larger work
Shows more syntactic sense than customary here for this style of florid; suitable prose poems and could stand expansion. Maybe save these for a longer set of those.

[Anonymous No.15405310]

>>15404611
Ask Emily Dickinson