Post the first line of your new novel lit [spoiler]It's not like is going anywhere[/spoiler] [spoiler]Hard mode: not CRASH and enemys jokes[/spoiler]

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Anonymous Mon Mar 13 00:59:42 2017 No.9230933 [Reply] [Original]

Post the first line of your new novel lit

It's not like is going anywhere
Hard mode: not CRASH and enemys jokes

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 01:01:00 2017 No.9230936 Call me Enemy

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 01:01:36 2017 No.9230937 I AM

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 01:01:39 2017 No.9230938 Daylight savings sodomized me.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 01:02:35 2017 No.9230942 Call me Pancake

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 01:08:01 2017 No.9230965 >>9230933 You'd never think that sitting on a golf ball would be enough to change your life.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 01:17:33 2017 No.9230987 This is the first line of anon's new novel.

Anonymous Mon Mar 13 01:21:11 2017 No.9230993

Many miss the comfort of knowing the psychopaths in their areas were just maladjusted people, and the gruesome scenes reported on the television were done by the hands of one of those people; while they were unpredictable and dangerous, everyone knew they were human underneath, and that these horrible events were caused by men. It is when unfamiliar monsters wear the flesh of men, do people long for rippers and stranglers. When people would prefer a balding-but-calculated serial killer, over what aberration is stalking the countryside.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 01:24:27 2017 No.9231007 "FUCK! Mulligan." The corporate executive exclaimed as his peers snickered.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 01:29:21 2017 No.9231020 Outside the central heated office building, bloated clouds had swallowed the afternoon.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 02:02:02 2017 No.9231071 >>9231020 this is actually decent desu. reminds me of IJ

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 02:03:26 2017 No.9231077 >>9231071 lol

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 02:05:01 2017 No.9231080 Twas the night before yesterday.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 02:06:46 2017 No.9231086 I'm going to kill the desufag.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 02:07:26 2017 No.9231087 >>9231071 What do you mean by 'IJ'? Are you being facetious about my writing being decent? I am trying to improve my writing each day.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 02:20:56 2017 No.9231124 >>9231007 It's obvious that the corporate executive exclaimed, because you previously used an exclamation point with his dialogue. :)

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 02:28:22 2017 No.9231145 >>9231124 >missing the point This is what happens when education just mills robots.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 02:36:35 2017 No.9231166 >>9231145 What was your point?

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 02:37:39 2017 No.9231169 >>9231124 Not having seen the whole scene, I would still hazard to guess that the peers snickered at or after the exclamation

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 02:41:51 2017 No.9231183 >>9231169 Sure, but that's a separate claim to what I said.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 02:44:40 2017 No.9231194 >>9230933 Not a novel but a short story: Kiri was a good-natured girl of eighteen—born to a Japanese mother and a conventionally Australian father—who had a face both simple and unique, forgettable and remarkable.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 02:45:59 2017 No.9231195 >>9231194 Can you post the first paragraph? You're telling a lot here. I wonder if you go on to show, rather than tell, beyond this opening sentence.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 02:47:08 2017 No.9231199 My office had four walls.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 02:47:55 2017 No.9231202 >>9231194 >Kiri was a good-natured girl of eighteen—born to a Japanese mother and a conventionally Australian father—who had a face both simple and unique, forgettable and remarkable. I'd drop this.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 02:49:02 2017 No.9231205 A spear penetrated Noah's ear. He collapsed to the ground and drowned in a pool of his own blood.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 02:49:10 2017 No.9231206 >>9231202 Why? What's wrong with it?

Anonymous Mon Mar 13 02:50:18 2017 No.9231210

>>9231195

I would but the piece is a fucking clutter right now, I don't tend to write in a linear fashion when I write shorts.

I went with these opening lines however because the story follows her getting her portrait drawn in charcoal. The plot itself is the dichotomy of the artist and the subject (her), but the facial features are important.

Will work on opening para now though and post if we don't 404.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 02:52:34 2017 No.9231214 Dissolved, broken apart, time and time again proven to be weak against a golden, aqueous solution; magnesium happily allowed this, and ceased to exist as itself, but rather a part of something else. Magnesium is humble, and we are golden.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 02:54:07 2017 No.9231218 >>9231194 >who had a face both simple and unique, forgettable and remarkable. This point should be a new sentance, or preferably worked in else where. It sounds like her father has a simple and unique face.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 02:56:05 2017 No.9231223 File: 35 KB, 600x575, 6fd.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>9231218 learn2 m dash

Anonymous Mon Mar 13 02:58:46 2017 No.9231228

>>9231206
Nearly everything. Firstly, it feels like I've read it an actual million times.
Find better ways to drop her lineage if it matters. I don't want you to tell me she's good-natured, especially with your tone. Your simple and unique, forgettable and remarkable line just makes me shake my head. You've heard it so many times you think it's worth describing this way.
There's nothing there, anon.

Anonymous Mon Mar 13 03:12:01 2017 No.9231251
File: 7 KB, 206x211, 1478813468947s.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]

>>9231228
Just for clarity, that question wasn't OP

Anyways - this just happens to be the first thing I had written for this piece, as of yet not even a first draft. In saying that, it's pretty important that my opening lines signify not only her parents ethnicity, but also *something* about her facial in general.

Any suggestions on how to do this better? To be honest long form fiction is where I'm most experienced and I find short form much, much harder.

Anonymous Mon Mar 13 03:16:14 2017 No.9231258

Outside the central heated office building, bloated clouds had swallowed the afternoon. They gushed rain against the polished windows, and made the headlights of packed Hyundai's on the street below appear grey. A man jousted his umbrella this way and that, hair wet against his forehead, his briefcase rattling in his free hand. Up in the offices, his frenzy appeared more like a strange, inaudible rain dance. But in the office, where the soil in plant pots had become arid powder, one employee snored with his tie loose around his collar, wet from perspiration. Another chugged water bottles one after the other.

>Here's the first paragraph of my short story. It's the first draft.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 03:19:18 2017 No.9231266 >>9231145 Think you missed the point. And the line above it. WORDPLAY

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 04:19:07 2017 No.9231357 That nigger came up to me and I came into him with my dick.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 04:33:29 2017 No.9231377 >>9231357 You move fast.

Anonymous Mon Mar 13 04:42:58 2017 No.9231390
File: 599 KB, 543x745, Screenshot 2016-07-23 13.17.43.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]

"Hot damn! is it that time again?" Terry McFishburger pulled the mouthpiece of a trumpet out from his tight anus and fixed it to the rest of the trumpet that was sitting on his bedside table. "TOOT TOOT!" was the noise the trumpet made, McFishburger blowing hard into the instrument. It was midnight, also known as 'the witching hour', and every night at midnight Terry McFishburger pulled the mouthpiece of a trumpet out of his tight anus and attached it to the rest of a trumpet and played the damn thing until his lips were chapped. It's little rituals like these that keep a man sane, Terry's father had told him on his deathbed, his own lips pressed to his own shit-covered mouthpiece.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 04:44:32 2017 No.9231393 >>9230933 >inb4 It was a dark and stormy night

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 04:48:20 2017 No.9231399 >>9231087 You're a meme now.

Anonymous Mon Mar 13 04:49:26 2017 No.9231400

>>9230993
What?
This is incorrect
Psychopaths are NOT "humans underneath". Psychopaths lack all "humanity" -compassion, fear of consequences, empathy, consideration of others as "human" instead of objects...
And people fear more the psychopath than the "rippers and stranglers" -THOSE are "human underneath".

Anonymous Mon Mar 13 04:50:16 2017 No.9231403

short story, first paragraph.

We visited the old mill just once together, on a whim of Joanna’s, who had thought after the divorce that it would be best to get out and clear our heads for a while. This had not been her first try at a distraction, though it did show itself to be the most transparent. Of course she hadn’t believed it. She was fifteen, and not so naive. But I was young enough then—I was only eleven—I could not yet see through her so easily.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 04:51:32 2017 No.9231405 There was only one crash left, two if you counted God

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 05:00:25 2017 No.9231426 >>9231399 Why? I don't understand what you meant.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 05:11:56 2017 No.9231459 >>9231403 Not too bad. :)

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 05:36:45 2017 No.9231533 >>9230933 It's not that I don't trust Tinkers, it's just that I know that those devious little shits are up to something.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 06:02:53 2017 No.9231577 I remember, back when I was still legally married, how happy I was. Everyday, after work, when I opened the door, joy instantly jolted through me as I saw my wife, James Joyce, preparing dinner.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 06:27:07 2017 No.9231605 It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 06:28:25 2017 No.9231610 Ivan realized, with a sort of laugh, that every joke he had recently heard had been told by himself, to himself, and at his own expense.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 06:35:07 2017 No.9231621 "What the fuck does desu even mean, you fat fuck!?" Screamed Herbert, as he waved a pistol in my face.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 06:54:06 2017 No.9231645 >>9231621 CKek >>9231577 Cock >>9231405 Cuck

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 09:49:40 2017 No.9231993 >>9231533 Tinkers?

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 09:52:45 2017 No.9232005 >>9231533 wtf is a tinker?

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 09:59:53 2017 No.9232029 >>9232005 why do you think i hate the gauchian distribution and a certain "pepper"?

Anonymous Mon Mar 13 10:00:40 2017 No.9232032

>>9230993
Not bad

>>9230938
Not bad

>>9231194
>>9231210
Well, with the explanation it doesn't sound that terrible anymore. so yeah, i also suggest that you post the first paragraph

>>9231214
nah

>>9231258
Not bad but not so good either

>>9231390
lol, sure u trolling but is not bad actually :)

>>9231403
Not bad but sounds like an anime
.
>>9231621
kek'd hard

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 10:03:27 2017 No.9232040 "It was the tenth day that he woke up a centimeter taller."

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 10:05:19 2017 No.9232048 >>9232040 Hmmmmmmmhhhh Inspiring

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 10:07:42 2017 No.9232056 >>9231993 >>9232005 "Tinkers" are Irish itinerants. I'm writing a story about tensions between Tinkers and the inhabitants of a town in the West of Ireland.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 10:08:04 2017 No.9232058 >>9231610 This one sounds familiar, have you posted it before or is it just a meme felllow anon?

Anonymous Mon Mar 13 10:29:38 2017 No.9232141

>>9230933
See the boy who stands in dust. See him as he pulls and coughs with his arm on his eyes and sweat trickling. His eyes move many ways and he cannot keep his teeth together. Feel the guilt on his shoulders, though he has yet seen nothing, feel the guilt he yearns to place upon his shoulders. He is thirsty. Grit cakes his tongue.

Just wrote it. Too many references?
>>9232058
It's a meme.

Anonymous Mon Mar 13 10:48:57 2017 No.9232210

The opening paragraph to a novella I'm writing about Chernobyl.

"A low rumble breaks the night’s silence. On the city’s horizon shines a glass torch, the poisoned smoke rising upwards, and from the flame comes a spectrum of prodigious colour; a sickening rainbow spreading through the evening skies. A middle-aged labourer, unable to sleep, leans out his window to see what he heard. He sees clearly the magnitude of this tremor, watching as specs of hot-red rock drop from the light. He’s mesmerised by its beauty; the shimmering hues that dance over the city and sing to his eyes."

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 10:55:20 2017 No.9232226 >>9232210 Pretty neat 7/10

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 11:33:04 2017 No.9232355 Simon Clemens, the bitter one, the pathetic one, was a man of choice but not action.

Anonymous Mon Mar 13 11:54:24 2017 No.9232403

Im a Demon, Sent from the wastlands of the Glowing Sea, where we were cast out, and through disaster and devostation, we lost our innocense. It is in that moment, that feeling, the feeling of powerlessness. It is in that feeling where good men, turn cruel. I on the other hand, know this feeling, and will do everything in my power, to make sure no man must bere that feeling, alone.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 12:03:07 2017 No.9232421 File: 60 KB, 700x700, rage.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >tfw I try to start everything I write with CRASH or enemys >tfw cant post in this thread

Anonymous Mon Mar 13 12:04:14 2017 No.9232425

>>9231533
I like this, but I feel like it's a little too blatantly oxymoronic. Unless the speaker is doing that on purpose to be funny, in which case it works great. Otherwise, you should work a little harder to make it sound like the speaker doesnt understand his own hypocrisy

Anonymous Mon Mar 13 12:09:39 2017 No.9232439
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I whipped my big flopping cock out and planted it harshly on her forehead.

*SLAP!*

"Ouch Donald, that hurts a lot!" Hillary Clinton said as I clasped the base of my orange python and smeared her winkled and papery face with my ¡Jeb!

"WRONG" I shouted, before thrusting into her loser mouth.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 12:12:07 2017 No.9232451 Dead trees, Godless skies and a man with no eyes. Rose smoked her third cigarette of the hour - her thirtieth of the day - in the once green but now grey and wilted park.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 12:15:02 2017 No.9232458 File: 29 KB, 696x413, trump laugh.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>9232439 >"WRONG" I shouted, before thrusting into her loser mouth.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 12:15:13 2017 No.9232459 I’d spent the night sipping on that wild nectar only the Golden Gai serves up - crystals of amber, holding them up against the sultry light to test their lustre.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 12:21:59 2017 No.9232474 In the rain, the empty chapel was crammed with ten thousand phantoms.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 12:34:00 2017 No.9232511 >>9232451 >Rose smoked Oh cool this is going to be an interesting floral image >her third cigarette oh

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 12:51:01 2017 No.9232584 The penis laid across the mans forehead was a symbolic cock penis cock wingala dingaloopy

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 12:51:03 2017 No.9232585 >>9231403 Why were an 11 and 15 year old married? And why are they hanging out at the mill after they got divorced? Makes no sense, complete garbage.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 12:54:12 2017 No.9232595 >>9232585 I don't think he made it sound like they were married at all. Of course, he could eliminate any confusion by saying "my parents' divorce".

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 12:59:23 2017 No.9232611 >>9232451 >thirtieth of the day Ughh

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 13:00:37 2017 No.9232616 The wheels of history turn like a rusty gate in synchronously oiled with the cries of those vanquished ringing out a cacophony of sorrow and self loathing.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 13:04:23 2017 No.9232628 >>9232616 lol

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 17:54:30 2017 No.9233840 >>9231020 god tier keep it up

Anonymous Mon Mar 13 18:13:33 2017 No.9233908

(The protagonist is supposed to come off as edgy.)

I awoke to the scent and sting of chemical cleaners again. After my morning coughing fit, during which I struggled to take a drink from the tepid water on my nightstand, I took a shaky step out of bed. Sharp ache, from my head to my hips. Was I dying? Two fingers along my carotid put my hopes to rest.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 19:48:27 2017 No.9234262 The black girls on the bus were being loud again, but fortunately weeks of practice had given me the ability to silence them with a single look - a dead-eyed stare, an eerie smile and a perfectly calculated twitch of my left eye.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 20:02:35 2017 No.9234308 >>9231087 Infinite Jest is a novel by David Foster Wallace. The book is a very long meme on this board. Some people love it unironically, some ironically, some people hate it unironically, some ironically.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 20:04:47 2017 No.9234318 >>9233908 You can do better. Perhaps wear a leather jacket when you write

Anonymous Mon Mar 13 20:10:36 2017 No.9234344

>>9233908
First line, not paragraph.
And unless you have a low wordcount, I'd hold off on the bluntness displayed in the 2nd and 4th/5th sentences.
The 2nd is the main offender: you're stuffing too many actions into too little time, and it botches the hazy mood you'd expect from someone sickly slowly waking up.
The fragmented nature of the third line is good, but its curtness is lost when all the other sentences are so similarly short. Were it between more languorous ones, it could represent the acuity of the pain (and the sharpness of the coughs) better.
The protag does come off as edgy, but maybe a little too edgy to take seriously. More subtlety or more tone-building before you drop something like "put my hopes to rest" would do you some good. I can see an angry 15-year old digging this as is, but who're you writing for?

No offense meant in any of this, by the way. Tonally, I'm reminded of some of my highschool writing, but this is certainly syntactically and lexically more interesting.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 20:10:53 2017 No.9234347 >>9232141 Tone down that McCarthy voice you're speaking through, but maintain the density of description you have going on. Keep every sentence meaning something, the way they do now.

Anonymous Mon Mar 13 20:14:56 2017 No.9234362

At some point in the future, Agostina Maneilia Penbloc might look back on what is about to happen and recall that the day of itself wasn’t to be as remarkable as what will happen in it; when the beginning, the present and the end will be forced into the same immediacy, reaching a mass as critical as that of a collapsing star, a nearness felt by all like walls closing in. The apocalypse, or something just as bad, is about to come down out of nowhere.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 20:15:14 2017 No.9234363 All I heard was 'bazinga!', and then something went up my ass.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 20:28:21 2017 No.9234417 >>9231145 >not understanding basic copy editing why are there so many semi-literate people on here?

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 20:30:11 2017 No.9234429 >>9231020 starting out by describing the weather is always a bad choice. you might as well say "it was a dark and stormy night"

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 20:31:35 2017 No.9234435 >>9234308 this should be the entire wikipedia article for the book

Anonymous Mon Mar 13 20:36:36 2017 No.9234456

>>9231194
don't use adverbs. find a different word besides forgettable, seeing as forgettable and remarkable mean the exact opposite thing. also describing your protag as boring doesn't make me want to know more. Also Kiri is a bad name, it sounds made up

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 20:38:42 2017 No.9234461 >>9231223 dashes aren't part of the english language, there is no right way to use them.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 20:39:46 2017 No.9234466 >>9234456 >don't use adverbs Don't post again.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 20:41:02 2017 No.9234473 >>9232421 it doesn't start with enemys u dunce!

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 20:41:55 2017 No.9234478 >>9231205 intriguing. spear and ear rhyme so that sounds bad. also it is redundant to say the blood is his. but this is the only interesting line so far

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 20:42:58 2017 No.9234485 >>9231214 bretty good

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 20:44:01 2017 No.9234493 >>9231258 i like this

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 20:45:35 2017 No.9234499 File: 53 KB, 800x1155, Breece_Pancake.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>9230942 Mfw

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 20:45:44 2017 No.9234501 >>9231605 you stupid monkey

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 20:47:49 2017 No.9234510 >>9234262 pure autism

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 20:49:01 2017 No.9234513 >>9232403 fallout 4/10

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 20:49:35 2017 No.9234518 >>9234466 good writers don't use adverbs. find the right verb or don't use one

Anonymous Mon Mar 13 20:51:19 2017 No.9234533

>>9231258
This is so awful to read. You can pinpoint the last book you read, and you give us a poor imitation. It's overwrought in the worst quality.
Do something else, kill your idols, and understand why "clouds had swallowed the afternoon" is the only thing to salvage from this.
>>9234478
You have awful taste. But I agree with your advice at least. "A spear pierced Noah's ear. He collapsed to the ground and drowned." is better. But I doubt this sentence will go anywhere due to how bare yet worked his sentence is.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 20:51:43 2017 No.9234535 File: 336 KB, 1275x1650, Elizabeth Pear.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] Bezoaria was a planet with only eight-tenths of Earth's gravity, a volcanic world made exotic by its history.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 20:52:21 2017 No.9234536 >>9234518 Doesn't seem like you know how to read.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 21:00:27 2017 No.9234565 >>9234344 This is good advice, thank you. I don't want the reader to take the protag seriously, but I suppose I am rushing things with the edge. Rewrites, rewrites!

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 21:01:25 2017 No.9234568 >>9234535 Oh, oh, I know exactly the plot of THIS story.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 21:06:38 2017 No.9234582 >>9234568 Plot? You mean a woman's usually-clothed "plot", right?

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 21:09:07 2017 No.9234590 I pushed the door to Engelbert's room open. He pulled his pants up, but not quick enough. "Moom I told you to knock before coming innn"

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 21:35:14 2017 No.9234690 Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Colonel Aureliano Buendia was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover ice.

Anonymous Mon Mar 13 21:48:10 2017 No.9234742

It had been a slow winter. Days never blue, air in permanent chill, windows all fogged, hot mugs of tea cooling faster than you could drink them, people out in their thickest hoodies, skin frosty pale under a grey-washed overcast of boring clouds, no shadows anywhere, cold wind blasting through whenever rain wasn’t thrashing down in sheets at black umbrella-tops held at the sky.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 21:52:43 2017 No.9234754 I am seated in an office, surrounded by heads and bodies.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 21:52:52 2017 No.9234756 A damned shame. That was about all anyone could say.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 21:55:09 2017 No.9234768 >>9234690 Really awesome man, this surely will be one of the unforgettables

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 21:55:30 2017 No.9234770 I think I got a job today; they want me to draw shoes. The ones I drew were old and used. They told me to draw something new.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 21:56:33 2017 No.9234775 File: 1.66 MB, 480x270, 1480465043463.gif [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>9234742 >grey-washed overcast of boring clouds tfw your skin is frosty pale under boring clouds

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 21:58:36 2017 No.9234790 >>9234690 overrated af

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 22:02:48 2017 No.9234806 Mom and me were eating pancakes when all of a sudden CRASH! God killed my mother through a drunken driver.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 22:04:00 2017 No.9234815 >>9234806 >me were eating pancakes no comment

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 22:06:26 2017 No.9234822 "Oonga lunga chunga", Said the nigger Bingo with his tattered and patched clothing, as he chewed on the chunga changa banana banga that he had inserted in the mayor's wife's pussy just a minute ago.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 22:07:15 2017 No.9234827 >>9234815 What?

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 22:07:51 2017 No.9234828 Finally, after two long months of boring menial labor, and living in the stark and dark Outer City, he made enough points.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 22:08:24 2017 No.9234829 >>9234827 me was eating pancake because me was hungry

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 22:09:33 2017 No.9234833 >>9234829 I don't understand, sorry.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 22:11:17 2017 No.9234839 >>9231007 Not good very bad

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 22:12:20 2017 No.9234845 >>9232585 I read it this way too.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 22:16:01 2017 No.9234863 >>9234833 >Me don't understand, sorry FTFY

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 22:19:14 2017 No.9234876 >>9234863 No thanks. I don't care to use incorrect grammar.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 22:22:55 2017 No.9234893 >>9231390 Ah, taking influence from the old Pynchmeister I see!

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 22:29:28 2017 No.9234914 >>9232210 Reading a description of the horizon in opening paragraphs makes me cringe. Pretty good though otherwise.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 22:30:14 2017 No.9234919 >>9234806 >>9234815 >>9234827 >>9234829 >>9234833 >>9234863 >>9234876 Jesus fucking Christ you mongoloid

Anonymous Mon Mar 13 22:42:00 2017 No.9234966

Snip!
"Ahh yes there."
Snip! Snip!
"Just the finishing touches left and I will receive my deservedly warm embrace of my Lord's eternal kingdom. Oh yes much room for me, much room. Merely a flesh wound 'tis, my handsome fellows! "
He rubs the bloodied flap between his fingers before tasting it.
"I suppose this is fit to be thrown to the dogs."
He notices there are no dogs and places the flesh piece in the chest pocket of his flannel shirt. He begins to scream at the bus driver with his nail clippers in hand.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 22:45:50 2017 No.9234978 >>9231020 Plenty of people love this style, but it would turn me off instantly. Comes across as pretentious to me.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 23:04:07 2017 No.9235056 >>9232141 >See the boy. Dropped.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 23:09:18 2017 No.9235081 As soon as I thought I was out, they pull me back in.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 23:11:02 2017 No.9235089 >>9235081 Enjoy prison for plagiarizing godfather 3

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 23:18:37 2017 No.9235116 >>9230933 'Darn it,' thought Pol Pot, 'them snooty intellectuals get my goat bad.'

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 23:36:04 2017 No.9235196 Only once Endeavour Airways Flight 14 began its final approach did Samuel Shin remember his mouthguard soaking in a bowl of hydrogen peroxide some 250 miles away.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 23:49:05 2017 No.9235237 76 hours 32 minutes and 17 seconds have passed since the last time Eric was asleep, he only managed to stay in that state for 20 minutes approximately.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 13 23:49:11 2017 No.9235238 >>9234978 Well said, anon

Anonymous Mon Mar 13 23:59:19 2017 No.9235264
File: 233 KB, 1080x1349, 14134710_1111820095564415_723143663_n.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]

>>9232141
Not bad, 6/10, what is the story about?

>>9232210
Pretty good actually 9/10

>>9232355
Ew, platitude much? Not bad I guess. 5/10

>>9232403
Teh edgy teen, but not bad, 6/10

>>9232451
Not bad but this got that "I read this fucking one hundred times already" feeling

>>9232459
Very simple and unpretentious, I like it 7/10

>>9232474
Ew, 5/10

>>9232616
Slow down Shakespeare, in the first line you're trying to attach the reader, you'll have the rest of the novel for gibberish trash like this. 3/10

>>9233908
Not bad, 5/10

>>9234262
lmao dat edginess bro, 3/10

>>9234362
Ew, like the two last sentences, but the begining sounds kind of cliche and moronic

>>9234535
2/10

>>9234742
Not bad, 6/10

>>9234770
The idea is goot but the writing is shit

>>9234828
Ew, 4/10

Anonymous Tue Mar 14 00:51:20 2017 No.9235383

I'm sorry but I am not the villain The World will tell you I am. I am but a message to be heard for those of you willing to hear it. A message that awakens the subverted will of the once-called patriots. But fear not. The desire to suppress your ears is but the fleeting thirst of balance where balance was not needed. A desire to give and take what it claims you deserve.

Anonymous Tue Mar 14 00:58:20 2017 No.9235404

Aaron Gallagher stood in the station listening to the movement of the crowd around him, taken aback by the volume in the subterranean subway platform. He did not usually go out at this time of day, but his mind, with all recent memories clouded by doubt, had convinced him to meet with one of the few people he knew would provide him with the information he needed. An announcer’s voice suddenly leapt from the overhead speaker, signaling the arrival of the train that would take him from New York Public University to Queens, where he would then meet with the person who would change his life. The yellow line noiselessly stopped in front of the platform, its doors opening. As the people the train had previously swallowed exited, the platform became deafening. Aaron could no longer hear his nervous thinking over the countless bodies swarming past him.

Anonymous Tue Mar 14 01:04:37 2017 No.9235418

He was looking at the lipstick stained glass, puffing his nostrils for a half gone smell of woman's perfume as the footsteps behind him grew more distant on rising footsteps, stopped for the briefest moment and the sound of a closing door made him shudder and slump back.

>>	Anonymous Tue Mar 14 01:53:17 2017 No.9235556 >>9231400 Stop acting like psychopaths are mythical creatures. They're flesh & blood humans.

>>	Anonymous Tue Mar 14 05:07:16 2017 No.9236104 >>9230933 I have only seen my brother speechless twice - when my father died and when wall street crashed.

>>	Vagina Wolf Tue Mar 14 05:14:52 2017 No.9236126 >>9230933 Hi, my name is Vagina Wolf.

Anonymous Tue Mar 14 05:46:55 2017 No.9236212

>>9234347
>Tone down that McCarthy voice you're speaking through
But anon, I already did. But looking back a few things seem a little over the board. I think I can do the Gilgamesh thing more subtly through the seen-nothing than the see-the-boy.

>>9235056
Fight me

>>9235264
>Not bad, 6/10, what is the story about?
What was good, and what could I improve?

The story's a spy story. The boy finds a family in a spy ring, and it ends with everybody dead but him and his adoptive daughter, who runs away. Then he is visited by a God, who forces him through a fantasy made from his memories.

I'm thinking of having that last fantasy be the entirety of the book, but something tickles me about writing a whole half of a book which no one will see.

>>	Anonymous Tue Mar 14 07:22:59 2017 No.9236381 My so-called wife has gone to bed; I felt like crying over lost times again but figured I'd right about them instead.

>>	Anonymous Tue Mar 14 07:25:28 2017 No.9236387 Just a single foe persisted; two, if you included Allah.

Anonymous Tue Mar 14 07:36:30 2017 No.9236406

>>9235264

I'm >>9234362
How about this instead?
>The Pacific hemisphere of the earth is in dawning, Tasman sea coming aglitter. The sun’s flaming frontier advances past New South Wales and environs, ‘cross underbelly of Victoria, filters through Southern winehills and over mangroves, sweeps arcing towards the Indian ocean, while behind the sun: cosmic movements are posing to strike. The beginning, the present and the end will be forced into the same immediacy, reaching a mass as critical as that of a collapsing star, a nearness felt by all like walls closing in. The apocalypse, or something just as bad, is about to descend out of nowhere.

>>	Anonymous Tue Mar 14 11:07:33 2017 No.9237028 >>9231007 stately, plump fuck mulligan

>>	Anonymous Tue Mar 14 11:10:21 2017 No.9237039 >>9237028 Stately, I fucked a plump Buck Mulligan.

Anonymous Tue Mar 14 11:11:37 2017 No.9237046

>>9230933
On the day that Yago Pavo had been born, his father had wept. He had wept bitter tears of shameless indignation at the great injustice; tears of fury; tears of sorrow; tears of grief. In fact, by sunset, he had shed so many tears that he became dangerously dehydrated and had a stroke.

>>	Anonymous Tue Mar 14 11:15:09 2017 No.9237059 >>9237046 words words words

>>	Anonymous Tue Mar 14 11:22:04 2017 No.9237085 >>9237059 >words words words that's generally what writing consists of

Anonymous Tue Mar 14 11:23:53 2017 No.9237094

>>9237046
The effect would be greater if you pared down your chaff-words. Remove the "hads" and adjectives.

>On the day Yago Pavo was born, his father wept. He wept bitter tears of indignation at the injustice: tears of fury; tears of sorrow; tears of grief. By sunset he had shed so many tears that he became dehydrated and had a stroke.

I'm sure you had reasons for all that, but this way seems best to me.

Your comically conversationalist style does not need to be so hammered in. Using too many "in facts" and "dangerously"s is, in fact, dangerous. "On the day" and "by sunset" create that impression by themselves, and "he became dehydrated" has the same information while carrying a larger impact.

Also your prose itself can feel like cramming your mouth with too much teeth, like that "bitter tears of shameless indignation at the great injustice" chunk; focus on how words sound as you string them together.
>>9237059
Should have painted a vase. Fucking idiot

Anonymous Tue Mar 14 12:02:59 2017 No.9237212

>>9235264
How about this?

>Bezoaria was a planet with only eight-tenths of Earth's gravity, a volcanic world that would have gone unnoticed by most if not for its history. Biosphere creation was a tricky thing, but the mob of anarcho-syndicalists that settled on Bezoaria pulled out all the stops when it came to their efforts to make the planet livable, if only for the sake of more clout amongst their peers. Echinoderm reefs, swarm thickets, cloud forests, geyser savannas, five Earth-centuries of brutal natural selection in all of its forms, swiftly setting in place a biosphere that would outlive its creators.

>>	Anonymous Tue Mar 14 12:03:15 2017 No.9237215 He sat in his armchair, duct taped and patched.

>>	Anonymous Tue Mar 14 12:07:00 2017 No.9237223 >>9230933 >Eric was sitting with his legs dangling off the bow of his ship, still docked when it happened for the first time.

Anonymous Tue Mar 14 12:13:28 2017 No.9237243

>>9237215
If you mean for the ambiguity surrounding what, exactly, is duct taped and patched, then it's mediocre. There's no hook to it -- it has no emotion. And the whiplash is not what I would want in the very start of a novel; it's too alienating. You have many more words to play with than this tiny sentence. Build it up.

It is difficult to see this within a larger work. It seems like a pithy one-liner to post on /lit/ much more than it seems like an excerpt.

I dunno how to say this, but your prose is soulless. It doesn't seem /you/. It's like you only wanted to tell us certain facts (he sat, in his armchair, duct taped and patched). It's not like you wanted to pull us into your story. That is very badly explained and hopefully other people agree with me and can say it better.

If you don't mean for the ambiguity, rewrite it.

>>	Anonymous Tue Mar 14 12:19:10 2017 No.9237269 >>9230933 >the song of the seaguls brought him back to the sea

>>	Anonymous Tue Mar 14 12:25:42 2017 No.9237304 >>9237269 >the song of Steven Seagal brought his fist into the sea's chest

Anonymous Tue Mar 14 12:29:17 2017 No.9237322

>>9237212
This is much, much worse. Your original brought in the -idea- of history (while making us care about it), even if it had excess information and the prose was clunky. This is almost entirely excess information, and the prose is very clunky.

I think they only gave 2/10 because of your pic and their (apparent) disgust at genre fiction. In reality your post was not outside the average. This, however, is far below it.

Just read more. You reek of genre fiction. The best cure is to read non-genre fiction. That doesn't mean "avoid SFF", because plenty of SFF is not genre fiction.

>>	Anonymous Tue Mar 14 12:34:51 2017 No.9237345 >>9237243 Thanks for the advice. It was a last minute edit and I thought the slight ambiguity made it better than the first iteration.

>>	Anonymous Tue Mar 14 12:38:20 2017 No.9237356 >>9237322 Thanks for the advice!

>>	Anonymous Tue Mar 14 12:43:25 2017 No.9237383 There's a regular practice when discovering one has STD's to call of your past suitors and inform them of their possible afflictions; but when Edgar say goodbye to a bitch, he mean it.

>>	Anonymous Tue Mar 14 12:44:02 2017 No.9237386 There's a regular practice when discovering one has STD's to call your past suitors and inform them of their possible afflictions; but when Edgar say goodbye to a bitch, he mean it.

>>	Anonymous Tue Mar 14 12:51:02 2017 No.9237413 >>9231218 Dude have you never seen dashes in your life?

>>	Anonymous Tue Mar 14 13:00:57 2017 No.9237446 >>9237386 >Edgar kek

>>	Anonymous Tue Mar 14 13:06:38 2017 No.9237475 >>9237322 >>9237356 Also, I just began reading Seveneves and The Night Land, dunno if those count as genre fiction or not.

Anonymous Tue Mar 14 13:45:20 2017 No.9237632

>>9237475
I would never call The Night Land genre fiction. Dunno about Seveneves -- from a two-second scan of its wikipedia page it looks pretty unpromising, but that's a stupid way to judge things.

How much conventionally /lit/ shit do you read? You know: The Greeks, Dosto, Joyce, Shakespeare. That stuff is always a good bet, and always varied enough to give you a good feel for what you can do with language. But it's not like The Night Land isn't good enough either.

Don't stop writing btw, not that I think you would. It's just that I think the best way to improve, other than practising more, is to read more.

Anonymous Tue Mar 14 14:05:26 2017 No.9237750

>>9237632
Yeah, the clunkiest part of my novel so far has been the opening paragraph and a few other paragraphs. I'm about 110 pages in. I'm new to /lit/, so I've never read Dosto or Joyce, and Shakespeare is boring to me (unfortunately). I've read Watership Down and most of China Mieville's work, though I'm certain the latter has damaged my writing.

I'm not one for giving up on anything, so I can only improve.

>>	Anonymous Tue Mar 14 14:44:15 2017 No.9237971 >>9234518 Only if you consider Hemingway a good writer

>>	Anonymous Tue Mar 14 15:10:44 2017 No.9238101 >>9231087 Nah, I actually had the same thought for whatever reason. I hear echoes of IJ's opening in it.

>>	Anonymous Tue Mar 14 15:22:49 2017 No.9238173 >>9232403 Did you seriously steal a line from fucking Batman v. Superman? Tone down the cliche, fix the incomplete sentence, and check your spelling.

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