write the worst opening to a novel you can then the ending too if you want

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Anonymous Thu Mar 2 18:04:35 2017 No.9180596 [Reply] [Original]

write the worst opening to a novel you can
then the ending too if you want

>>	Anonymous Thu Mar 2 18:06:05 2017 No.9180601 Shit was dribbling down my leg as though it was the words on the page that I was writing.

>>	Anonymous Thu Mar 2 18:13:07 2017 No.9180629 File: 116 KB, 540x540, tumblr_nuydqaFYK31qiy05do1_540.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times.

Anonymous Thu Mar 2 18:15:44 2017 No.9180634
File: 46 KB, 600x173, 1488062666926.gif [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]

>I actually wrote this when I was 17 FYI

Hitherto, the apex of human verisimilitude could be said to be the inestimable discovery of the Garden of Eden, the invention of liberty or perhaps the sampling of such luridly appreciated works of art as sculpture, painting or song disseminated for all, or even more popularly in the works of Mighty Zizek, blessed be his name. But the zenith of humanity is yet on the horizon, only now rising unprompted in conjunction with the unfetterence of this, the most perfect manuscript ever called forth from the dim sinusoidal writhing of the mental serpent so fondly spoken of by Burton and which has issued this excessively penetrative form of the written word for easy consumption and dubious understanding, this Babylon, this inestimable message in a metaphorical bottle, the author’s clear and concise dispatch to the one fortunate soul in the future who will some day unravel the true meaning and as such fully comprehend the sheer rubicund incandescence of this most precious Gem. It is to you, unborn reader, that I, the inimitable Author, dedicate this missive, the last departure from a restless soul, a patchwork figure presiding over the fallow and lifeless wastes of creative endeavour, finally exhausted by this act of plunder, as if to say “Go no further, there is nothing left for you here”. And indeed, any attempt to undertake a creative project from this point forward is doomed to a most insalubrious suffocation by the towering shadow of my White Whale, myself being retroactively reborn as a modern-day Ishmael, chasing the sun in the penning of this superlative document of which humanity knows no equal. So read on past this mild harbinger of words to come and become one of the lucky elite, the philosopher kings of society whose minds have been set free by nought but the sheer and honest truth, risen above even the shoulders of giants through exuberant self-expression and prose. This will not be a pondering Epic Of Gilgamesh, but a prancing touchstone of uplifting trumpery, no Beowulf but a saga it’s equal none the less. Surely the wit and wisdom contained within is sufficient to cow even the most die-hard of cynics, as the modest Author’s humble genius is made transparent to you, slowly so as to avoid stunning and shattering your mind, yet nonetheless inexorably overwhelming in stature

>>	Anonymous Thu Mar 2 18:18:21 2017 No.9180641 >>9180634 >tfw you have a thesaurus but don't know how to use it

>>	Anonymous Thu Mar 2 18:21:40 2017 No.9180654 >"Who is John Gait?"

Anonymous Thu Mar 2 18:22:18 2017 No.9180659

>>9180641

it was meant to be ironic iirc. the idea was that i would write a collection of short stories around the joke that the author was a self-delusional retard, kinda like Don Quixote.

but, predictably, nobody got the joke so it just looked like i was the self-delusional retard. not my finest hour.

>>	Anonymous Thu Mar 2 18:26:08 2017 No.9180672 >>9180659 >i was just pretending to be retarded.jpg

Anonymous Thu Mar 2 18:29:20 2017 No.9180681
File: 446 KB, 858x719, floridaman.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]

His uncle was the trombone player in a band at a chubby chaser bar. Nightly he'd bring home lardasses, a long tradition that long since burst the shocks on the passenger side of his Pontiac Aztec. Whale sounds and methane filled the night air as fat flaps opened and expelled stale air into the house, getting sucked up into the ventilation and blowing all over Jerome's face as he slept. His sense of smell ruined, he was able to survive the shitpocalypse that fell upon humankind. He never thought he'd be thankful to his uncle for that, but he sure was.

>>	Anonymous Thu Mar 2 18:30:40 2017 No.9180686 >>9180634 >unborn reader What did he mean by this?

>>	Anonymous Thu Mar 2 18:33:22 2017 No.9180693 >>9180629 That original passage is SO corny but SO beautiful. I honestly feel like I should hate it but I fucking love it. >it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair Fucking hell I feel a knot in my chest just writing it out.

>>	Anonymous Thu Mar 2 18:39:27 2017 No.9180707 >>9180596 >Once upon a moonlit blah >As a young man blah >When all was said and done blah

Anonymous Thu Mar 2 18:42:20 2017 No.9180717

>>9180672
but i actually was that time, honest.

you can see why noone believed me though.

>>9180686

the idea is that the writing is so deep and complex, it will be generations before someone smart enough to understand it is born. the book is really intended for his/her eyes, not for all the plebs who will read it in the meantime (like you). So its dedicated to this "unborn reader" who is its eventual target.

if that makes sense.

Anonymous Thu Mar 2 18:42:36 2017 No.9180719

>>9180596

The vein in the side of my cock visibly contracted as I pumped cum into my wife's perfect peach shaped ass. I felt vibrating at the tip of my penis from her seizure-like orgasm. I pulled my cock out and watching the cum pour down her pussy lips. I got a whiff of her asshole - a poor man's viagra - I was rock hard immediately and ready for more. I put it in her pussy this time. I looked up and my eyes saw the window, where I saw two glowing red eyes staring back at me. My blood boiled. My head began pounding. Ringing in my ears. I wiped the cum from the first ejaculation off her asshole and put it in her mouth, then she kissed me with her cummy shitty mouth. My dick was painfully hard. I rammed it back in her ass to try and cum as fast as possible just to end the pain. The red eyes from the window met me again. The ringing grew more and more intense. My dick was now burning. A rage came over me. I began punching the bottom of my wife's back with a fury. I looked back down at her ass. It was no longer a perfect peach shaped ass. It changed, it was hairy like a man's ass, shaped like deflated soccer ball, disgusting. I kept punching her lower back in a fit of rage. I saw her face, she changed, she was disgusting. I pulled my dick out of her ass. I turned her around. She shrieked like she was possessed. Her teeth looked sharp like an animal and her face moved towards me. I punched her in the nose as hard as possible. I kept punching her face, til she was on the floor, then I punched more and more. Her pulse stopped. Suddenly I saw her face again and she was even hotter than before she mutated. She got up. Her rectum prolapsing from my repeated pounding of her lower back while fucking her asshole. I was hard as a rock. She showed me the pink organ tissue spilling out of her asshole and made me suck it like a dick, cummy and shitty and bloody from my previous fuck. I sucked it like a dick. I came immediately without touching my dick. So much cum. The room began overflowing with my cum. I was completely immersed in a pool of my own semen and i could see all the sperm cells. They took the shape of white piranhas with bloodshot eyes and gums, and they swarmed me, gnawing my flesh off while I was still alive. It was too painful to even scream. I tried to swallow as much semen as possible to drown as fast as possible but I couldn't move my mouth because I was covered in cum piranhas.

I woke up, cold sweats. Thank god. It was just a dream. I checked my phone. The 12 consecutive texts I sent my crush last night just said "Read 11:43 P.M." and no reply. I never had a wife. I never even had a kiss. My alarm clock will go off soon. Shaking. I have to go to work. Not sure what's worse, my cubicle or being eaten alive by cum piranhas while drowning in a pool of my own semen. I got a text! Is it her? Fuck. It's my student loan borrower service, my payment is past due.

>that was the beginning of the book

>>	Anonymous Thu Mar 2 18:44:43 2017 No.9180733 >>9180719 i ironically enjoyed this

>>	Anonymous Thu Mar 2 18:49:14 2017 No.9180750 File: 966 KB, 500x579, 1484013103412.gif [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>9180717

>>	Anonymous Thu Mar 2 18:51:37 2017 No.9180758 >>9180733 i ironically wrote it, so unironically thank you senpai

>>	Anonymous Thu Mar 2 19:10:41 2017 No.9180853 >>9180717 Did you know the original author (or I suppose editor) of the Tibetan Book of the Dead supposedly hid the book for 700 years for the same reason? He thought the knowledge would do more harm than good for an unprepared culture.

>>	Anonymous Thu Mar 2 20:46:08 2017 No.9181272 >>9180596 It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen.

>>	Anonymous Thu Mar 2 20:49:36 2017 No.9181280 >"I am skeptical towards meta-narratives." said John Everyman

>>	Anonymous Thu Mar 2 20:51:22 2017 No.9181287 CRASH

>>	Anonymous Thu Mar 2 20:56:30 2017 No.9181301 BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP! Ugh, my alarm clock! I woke up.

>>	Anonymous Thu Mar 2 20:56:47 2017 No.9181303 >>9180634 lol'd my ass off

>>	Anonymous Thu Mar 2 20:59:11 2017 No.9181310 >>9181301 My alarm clock! Ugh, I woke up.

>>	Anonymous Thu Mar 2 21:00:22 2017 No.9181314 >>9180596 >And but so'st

Anonymous Thu Mar 2 21:23:46 2017 No.9181393

I knew when it as going to happen. I knew but I didn't stop it. The empty house would become my tomb. There is no point in escaping. My past has finally caught up to me. I must face it. The men who want me have found me. If you don't reply to this post, your mother will die, yes, die, in her sleep.

>>	Anonymous Thu Mar 2 21:27:20 2017 No.9181407 >>9180596 The sneak-a-puss cat tried to sneak away with a slice of pizza. ... And that was pretty much the end of that.

>>	Anonymous Thu Mar 2 21:28:15 2017 No.9181414 >>9181393 Holy...

Anonymous Thu Mar 2 21:29:12 2017 No.9181419

"It'a smells'a like'a someone goes'a shit all over my face!" Pappy Joseppa said, and I felt the crook of his cane smash into my eye and the bone shattering.

"Now'a you a one eye shitty faggot!" Pappy said as I lay in the growing pool of blood, and the nickname that would haunt me until mid-life was born.

>>	Anonymous Thu Mar 2 21:29:59 2017 No.9181420 >>9181407 I like this post. Feels very subversive, post-garfieldian, in a manner that doesn't know if its ironies were intended or not.

>>	Anonymous Thu Mar 2 21:31:08 2017 No.9181424 >>9180596 Not having put his green wellingtons on, the gather grey skies spake dark forebodings of a day most soggy indeed. The end.

Anonymous Thu Mar 2 21:33:49 2017 No.9181434

Happenstance occured twice today for Tobias Wintersoter, once round the corner rounding the corner he ran into Trisha later in the doctors office he ran into her sister. She said that Trisha said I looked pale lately. I nodded paley. The other time oblivious to the circumstance he was in, but earlier that night he was told "don't worry about the bum on the corner", he breezed pass, again obvious of this, the bum on the corner holding a sign "Repent"

>>	Anonymous Thu Mar 2 21:56:21 2017 No.9181519 For a long time, I jizzed early.

Anonymous Thu Mar 2 21:58:30 2017 No.9181530

I was at my middle school. I hadn't been here for 9 years. My Middle school girlfriend, Christina, clasped my hand and smiled at me. Her face looked no diffferent to the day I met her. A soft warm happiness drifted over my body, like there was a music playing that only I could hear. As I turned to look at Nicole again all I couldn't see her face, the music was playing, I asked the teacher what was wrong and he said I was in the wrong class. This was a Music class and I was supposed to be in Maths. I went to the Maths class and the teacher asked me why I was late. I told her I was looking for Christina but she forced me to sit down. Suddenly I remembered I forgot to do my homework, but luckily I was a skilled pianist and began improvising. Nicole smiled at me as I played loud and louder. The music played louder and louder. Christina leant over to me and whispered in my ear: "Wake up"

>>	Anonymous Thu Mar 2 22:16:24 2017 No.9181588 >>9181434 >>9181530 So beautifully terrible.

>>	Anonymous Thu Mar 2 22:28:36 2017 No.9181644 >>9180596 The monger monged his articles long past the time when mongers ceased to monger; he couldn't help it, mongering had hold of his heart. Finally, the weary monger stopped.

>>	Anonymous Thu Mar 2 22:32:45 2017 No.9181657 >>9181530 This just got me wondering, is there a book with a genuinely compelling "dream sequence" which isn't shit

>>	Anonymous Thu Mar 2 22:41:17 2017 No.9181689 File: 68 KB, 699x485, 1474940459884.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] Only one enemy remained

>>	Anonymous Thu Mar 2 22:42:10 2017 No.9181690 >>9181530 That's pretty good desu, it's got a juvenile train-of-thought quality to it

Anonymous Thu Mar 2 22:42:48 2017 No.9181694
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I used to be an ordinary girl. Kinda loner, kinda pretty, kinda nerdy, the only-goes to school dances with groups of friends kind of girl. I didn't have too many boyfriends, and we never went past first base anyways, so my love life was kinda boring. I got B's in class, had two parents and a younger, bratty brother, and only had an old beat up mazda to drive.

You know the kind. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Or so I thought. But I also hadn't thought that witches were real, let alone that I was one. Or that my arch nemesis would be the most likely candidate for homecoming king.

But I probably should start at the beginning.

>>	Anonymous Thu Mar 2 22:45:56 2017 No.9181708 >>9181694 Is this real Please tell me this is real and you didn't just write it now anon

>>	Anonymous Thu Mar 2 22:46:37 2017 No.9181713 Any form of meta opening that addresses the reader either directly or indirectly Ex: I was once a wide eyed teen with a blah blah blah etc

>>	Anonymous Thu Mar 2 22:47:57 2017 No.9181717 >>9181708 I did just write it while sitting here. Is it bad or good?

>>	Anonymous Thu Mar 2 22:49:10 2017 No.9181721 I ain't never run from nothin' but the police.

>>	Anonymous Thu Mar 2 22:49:32 2017 No.9181723 >>9181717 Really epitomized YA mediocrity, well done

>>	Anonymous Thu Mar 2 22:50:09 2017 No.9181726 File: 569 KB, 450x253, giphy.gif [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>9181723

>>	Anonymous Thu Mar 2 22:50:44 2017 No.9181728 >>9181694 wow this is fucking terrible, good work really nailed the smug tone

>>	Anonymous Thu Mar 2 22:51:28 2017 No.9181730 I first met 50 in the summer of '06.

>>	Anonymous Thu Mar 2 22:52:08 2017 No.9181731 If you're reading this, it's already too late.

>>	Anonymous Thu Mar 2 22:53:05 2017 No.9181733 >>9181731 This triggered memories of The Name of This Book is Secret, which I really enjoyed.

>>	Anonymous Thu Mar 2 22:55:40 2017 No.9181749 >>9181694 I hate to say it, but while this is bad, it would probably also sell.

>>	Anonymous Thu Mar 2 22:57:17 2017 No.9181751 >>9181728 >>9181726 >>9181723 >>9181708 >>9181749 Thanks /lit/, this is the happiest I've been all day. I'd like to thank Disney Channel, Twilight, awful English teachers and terrible public taste for the inspiration.

Anonymous Thu Mar 2 22:57:38 2017 No.9181755

Banana Boy, son of Manny Malone, whipped out his dirty detective cuffs and cufferoo'd the beady-eyed bugger in front of him.

"Look at this boolin brodie over here," said Banana Boy to his coppo mates. "Yer days of messin' around with the town are over, young man."

The boolin brodie in question had the name Jon and a vindictive glare, but lacked any semblance of shame: Banana Boy had caught in the midst of his latest dirty deed: waving his woolie-woo in front of some poor kiddos in the park, kiddos who'd theretofore been slippin' down slides and oogling this man's woolie.

~~~

idk whether i should continue this story or not. comments on style will be very valued

>>	Anonymous Thu Mar 2 23:02:51 2017 No.9181778 CRASH. My dog had just made a major enemy, two if you counted God.

>>	Anonymous Thu Mar 2 23:09:02 2017 No.9181808 >>9181393 cunt

Anonymous Thu Mar 2 23:12:16 2017 No.9181820
File: 35 KB, 645x552, 1488186770675.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]

when I was younger I started writing a story about a super assassin who had his senses of taste, touch, and smell removed to enhance his sight and hearing (cause that makes sense). All I remember is Halloween became a huge holiday so that's the assassin's favorite time to kill cause he could wear his equipment without anyone caring.

If I remember correctly the first sentence was "He was going to kill a man tonight".

>>	Anonymous Thu Mar 2 23:13:55 2017 No.9181831 >>9181820 >assassin >no sense of touch You goofed. This is like a Chris Farley movie.

>>	Anonymous Thu Mar 2 23:16:11 2017 No.9181838 >>9181820 >"He was going to kill a man tonight". decent opening line for middlebrow genre fiction, desu, it's gripping

>>	Anonymous Thu Mar 2 23:32:10 2017 No.9181886 >>9181393 Good. Wait, shit.

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 02:34:34 2017 No.9182287 >>9181393 nic

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 02:38:38 2017 No.9182295 >>9180681 First 2 sentences weren't bad

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 04:51:44 2017 No.9182517 Waking up to a loud crash rarely means something good is happening. It’s never “CRASH! Mom made pancakes!” or “CRASH! We decided to adopt a Golden Retriever!”

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 04:52:52 2017 No.9182519 >>9181820 The opening is fine, that story idea is a bit dumb though, unless you make it comedic.

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 04:53:55 2017 No.9182522 Only one enemy remained; two if you counted God.

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 04:54:20 2017 No.9182523 Jon considered the sky and wondered if he really knew who he was. And it was fucking sick.

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 04:55:41 2017 No.9182527 >>9182517 i know you wrote that unironically

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 04:57:26 2017 No.9182530 >>9182517 holy... I want more...

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 04:58:14 2017 No.9182533 >>9181755 anon, it's supposed to be bad, you fucked up

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 04:58:28 2017 No.9182535 >>9182517 Reminds me of an extremely reddit version of an opening line from a John Wyndham book

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 05:05:10 2017 No.9182546 >>9182535 >John Wyndham >it's never CRASH we got a golden retriever, it's CRASH dark red tentacles roping in through the shattered window, snagging Mary in the belly and dragging her kicking through the gaping debris.

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 05:06:43 2017 No.9182551 >>9182546 >it's never CRASH we got a golden retriever, it's CRASH everyone in the world has gone blind

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 05:07:21 2017 No.9182556 File: 1.99 MB, 320x240, 1455494119317.gif [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>9182546 That's more like it

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 05:10:08 2017 No.9182561 "not wearing socks inside your shoes is gross" "yeah, but comfy"

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 05:15:35 2017 No.9182575 Stately plump Buck Mulligan came from the stairhead, bearing a bowl of lather on which a mirror and a razor lay crossed.

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 05:16:15 2017 No.9182576 >>9182575 Delet this.

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 05:17:26 2017 No.9182580 >>9182561 the end: preserving magnitude wasn't worth it

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 05:57:12 2017 No.9182710 >>9181694 >But I also hadn't thought that witches were real, let alone that I was one. top keke

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 06:21:50 2017 No.9182766 >>9181713 what? you cannot avoid addressing the reader in some fashion

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 06:27:44 2017 No.9182784 >>9181755 Lmao I would read this, unironically good. Just don't make it too long

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 06:41:59 2017 No.9182821 >>9181393 FUCK YOU

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 06:51:02 2017 No.9182847 >>9180634 In a strange way if felt reassuring to cringe as hard as I did reading this. I've worried for a while I'm becoming desensitised.

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 07:29:35 2017 No.9182954 >>9182517 Here's a challenge. See if anyone can rework this sentence to make it at least semi-decent as an opening.

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 07:34:30 2017 No.9182971 >>9182517 That sounds like a pretty decent opening for a young-teenage audience

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 07:36:07 2017 No.9182973 File: 1016 KB, 322x166, 1408621111082.gif [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>9182517 This annoys me on precisely 6 levels

Anonymous Fri Mar 3 07:40:32 2017 No.9182988

>>9180634
At first I thought it was just funny

>>9180659
>>9180717
Though now I know it's ironic it's actually rather smart, I'm picking up on things I skipped over
Fairly original, it's funny reading something with heaps of references thrown in, in a satirical way

Anonymous Fri Mar 3 07:50:34 2017 No.9183019
File: 205 KB, 1125x1125, 1474572350361.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]

>>9182954
>Waking up to a loud crash rarely means something good is happening. It’s never “CRASH! Mom made pancakes!” or “CRASH! We decided to adopt a Golden Retriever!”

One rarely wakes up to the sound of a loud crash to realise something positive has happened. Never is a crash followed by the soft scent of pancakes wafting into the room, nor is it followed by the friendly barks of a newly adopted companion.
I don't think I'm very good but it wasn't an easy task

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 07:52:44 2017 No.9183026 >>9182517 Waking to a crash most often occurs at a bad time - rarely good; as though crash! eureka! or crash comes a sought after soul: welcome!

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 07:53:46 2017 No.9183031 >>9183026 meant for >>9182954

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 08:00:03 2017 No.9183048 File: 703 KB, 250x250, HURK.gif [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>9182561 >"yeah, but comfy"

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 08:04:08 2017 No.9183055 >>9180634 >Those run-on sentences > heavy thesaurus use I'm glad you've seen the light.

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 08:05:37 2017 No.9183058 >>9180681 write a novel about florida man desu

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 08:14:05 2017 No.9183067 >>9180596 "This story will never have an ending." "I lied in the beginning; the end."

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 08:21:44 2017 No.9183077 >>9181393 your mother will explode in a sky diving accident from a feculent overdose

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 08:22:25 2017 No.9183078 -I'm no fag- he muttered as my throbbing cock was slippin through his beautiful, ballon like boipussy...

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 08:35:09 2017 No.9183114 >>9183019 >>9183026 You made it worse

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 08:37:09 2017 No.9183122 >>9181694 This is grade A

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 08:39:39 2017 No.9183131 >>9183078 >ballon like boipussy Wow that's a terrifying thought.

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 08:48:36 2017 No.9183156 >>9183026 worse >>9183019 hmmm... worse because it lacks its original simplicity.

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 09:23:46 2017 No.9183248 >>9181393 fucking hell

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 09:26:19 2017 No.9183255 >>9183156 They really aren't

Anonymous Fri Mar 3 09:27:54 2017 No.9183257

>>9182954
The pancake fell on the ground.
"Damn"
I reach for it with a fork, only to realise our recently adopted Golden Retriever got to it first and already devoured it. I look at him with disapproval, tough he doesn't seam to mind.
After a moment staring at me he barks:
"CRASH!"
I wake up

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 09:29:43 2017 No.9183262 >>9182954 CRASH! fuck pancakes.

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 09:52:40 2017 No.9183321 >>9182517 >>9182954 A big crash never brought goodness to anyone. Mom's pancakes, a freshly adopted golden retriever—you don't want crashing sounds with either.

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 09:58:53 2017 No.9183337 >>9183321 I like this one

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 10:34:59 2017 No.9183422 >>9183255 they really are.

Anonymous Fri Mar 3 10:38:30 2017 No.9183437

>>9183321
>>9183262
>>9183257
>>9183019
>>9183026
FAIL
/lit/ BTFO by "Waking up to a loud crash rarely means something good is happening. It’s never “CRASH! Mom made pancakes!” or “CRASH! We decided to adopt a Golden Retriever!”

your versions aren't funny and lack the simplicity and ingenuity of the original masterpiece. go home, fight again tomorrow. today you've done enough.

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 10:45:39 2017 No.9183460 anyone got the Dr. Seuss version of the crash pancakes meme?

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 10:46:39 2017 No.9183464 >>9181755 >boolin brodie fucking stop

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 10:52:53 2017 No.9183485 once upon a time there was a world where people were mean to each other because they were culturally conditioned to adhere to a paradigm of scarcity rather than abundance so they fought so hard over everything that they killed life itself forever

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 10:57:27 2017 No.9183498 >>9183485 >they killed life itself >life itself >the killed life >killed life >the killed life itself forever Go home you're drunk.

Anonymous Fri Mar 3 11:19:21 2017 No.9183596 [DELETED]

>>9183498
Dislike waking up to outside noise. 'Crack', 'screech', 'crash'. Moved to the suburbs for a reason. If it's in the dream, if it's in a nightmare, a loud crash can be a pleasant sort of thing; it can mean the end of the nightmare. The beginning of a bright, happy day. Perhaps Mum's made pancakes. Perhaps as you're following that pancake-smell downstairs, what's more, she'll call up, 'We've adopted a puppy! We've decided to adopt a Golden Retriever!' A bright, happy day. But of course, when the crash is what brings you out from the dream - which dream, on the instant, you now can't remember - then it's never so pleasant. Less a bringing you out of, than a bringing you into the nightmare.

Anonymous Fri Mar 3 11:20:33 2017 No.9183602

>>9182954
Dislike waking up to outside noise. 'Crack', 'screech', 'crash'. Moved to the suburbs for a reason. If it's in the dream, if it's in a nightmare, a loud crash can be a pleasant sort of thing; it can mean the end of the nightmare. The beginning of a bright, happy day. Perhaps Mum's made pancakes. Perhaps as you're following that pancake-smell downstairs, what's more, she'll call up, 'We've adopted a puppy! We've decided to adopt a Golden Retriever!' A bright, happy day. But of course, when the crash is what brings you out from the dream - which dream, on the instant, you now can't remember - then it's never so pleasant. Less a bringing you out of, than a bringing you into the nightmare.

Anonymous Fri Mar 3 11:37:28 2017 No.9183664

>>9182954
I miss the taste of Mamma's pancakes. Back when we were kids, growing up in New Orleans, she would get up early Saturdays and throw together a big bowl of pancake batter. Then she'd heat up two skillets and get to work, throwing blueberries in one pancake, chocolate chips in another. Mamma was a creative soul. When she'd built up a nice stack of flapjacks she'd bang the pancake flipper against the skillet and call out to us. The clanging of metal echoed through the whole house like a church bell, and we would tumble down the stairs in our pajamas to sit at the table. Susie would get out all the jams and spreads we had in the fridge while Pop poured himself a coffee, paper tucked under one arm. Pop would always let Lassie in those mornings - she was an outside dog, but she loved pancake scraps all the same. When she smelled the hot stove and heard Mamma's laughter she would just about go crazy with excitement, running through the house, slamming into walls and generally causing a commotion. We would laugh and tell her to beg or sit or roll over for bits of pancake. Then Mamma fried up some bacon, and we'd share that with Lassie, too.

But Lassie's dead, now, and I've lived alone since I got back from 'Nam. Mamma says she's willing to keep me in the house, but I guess I just can't look her in the eye, not after what I've seen and what I've done. I live alone and try to fill the apartment with empty bottles. So when I woke up to a crash that morning, I knew it could only be bad news.

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 12:02:25 2017 No.9183747 >>9181393 Jesus christ

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 12:12:51 2017 No.9183773 File: 20 KB, 480x363, 16997793_1896986143853259_8522444355694813029_n.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>9181393

Anonymous Fri Mar 3 12:21:57 2017 No.9183799

All my life I just wanted to be someone. I held the gun to my face. I wanted to blow it all on the wall. The sticky spatter of the hemoglobin would paint the walls and I'd be the one to watch it dry. Fuck this gay Earth, I thought, and pulled the trigger.

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 12:26:43 2017 No.9183815 File: 61 KB, 600x500, image.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>9181393

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 12:29:01 2017 No.9183826 >>9181393 very nice

Anonymous Fri Mar 3 14:29:05 2017 No.9184319
File: 18 KB, 200x145, snapshot20110730131810.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]

The legendary Worst Story Ever Written:
THE EYE OF ARGON
by Jim Theis
The weather beaten trail wound ahead into the dust racked climes of the baren land which dominates large portions of the Norgolian empire. Age worn hoof prints smothered by the sifting sands of time shone dully against the dust splattered crust of earth. The tireless sun cast its parching rays of incandescense from overhead, half way through its daily revolution. Small rodents scampered about, occupying themselves in the daily accomplishments of their dismal lives. Dust sprayed over three heaving mounts in blinding clouds, while they bore the burdonsome cargoes of their struggling overseers.
"Prepare to embrace your creators in the stygian haunts of hell, barbarian", gasped the first soldier.
"Only after you have kissed the fleeting stead of death, wretch!" returned Grignr.

(https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Eye_of_Argon))

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 14:33:44 2017 No.9184345 >>9184319 this is interesting, in a sort of boundary-blurring way. His misuse of language opens up some (probably unintentional) deep readings.

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 14:49:51 2017 No.9184406 >>9184345 If you read its Wikipedia entry, people would gather around at sci fi conventions and hold You Laugh You Lose readings of it. Here is a link to most of it... http://www-users.cs.york.ac.uk/~susan/sf/eyeargon/eyeargon.htm

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 14:51:02 2017 No.9184410 >>9184406 I did read the wikipedia entry, my point still stands. Don't rely on sci-fi convention plebs to tell you what's good literature.

Anonymous Fri Mar 3 14:56:46 2017 No.9184432

All I ever felt when I left home was a sense of dread. Didn't matter if it was for a week or an hour it was excruciatingly painful either way. Having to deal with the idiocy of the common everyday sheeple was a mind numbing experience. I walked in a straight line to a McDonalds and was approached by a Hispanic woman in her late fifties with a pamphlet describing the death of jesus christ (Yes, uncapitalized ON PURPOSE)

"tch" was all I said as she tried handing it to me.

I made sure while she was still in view that she saw me spit my gum into the pamphlet, crumple it up and throw it on the ground for some community service delinquent to eventually pick up.

My name is Ricky Gervais and this is the story of my trip to America.

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 14:57:15 2017 No.9184434 "It is said that..."

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 14:59:57 2017 No.9184445 >>9184410 >Don't rely on sci-fi convention plebs to tell you what's good literature quantity (of people supporting something) =/= quality?! I crii evrtyem.

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 15:26:08 2017 No.9184550 >>9182517 holy... I want more...

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 16:28:46 2017 No.9184741 File: 57 KB, 500x524, osamabinpotter.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>9181393

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 16:32:14 2017 No.9184752 >>9181694 10/10 i love this >But I also hadn't thought that witches were real, let alone that I was one. best part

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 17:55:48 2017 No.9185044 >>9183257 kek

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 18:18:29 2017 No.9185130 >>9181393 NANI?!

Anonymous Fri Mar 3 18:57:41 2017 No.9185292

>>9182954
Never have I been woken up by a loud crashing sound and perceived of it in a welcoming manner. It's not a nice, warm sound like how my momma used to call out for us for pancakes, nor is it like the excited barking of a newly adopted Golden Retriever, tail wagging and jumping around its new home.

Rewriting this you really realize how utterly shit thi is

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 19:34:10 2017 No.9185462 >>9183437 >>9183255 >>9183156 >>9183114 congratulations, you are now reddit-core

Anonymous Fri Mar 3 21:26:09 2017 No.9185886

opening: man did he hate niggers he hated them so much that he really didn't like to be around them
ending: despite being bothered time and time again and attempts to force him to like niggers he just couldn't like those shit-smeared monkeys but he could pretend to

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 21:44:14 2017 No.9185972 >>9184434 "And it is said that"

Anonymous Fri Mar 3 21:50:01 2017 No.9185992
File: 21 KB, 200x136, snapshot20161222082045.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]

>>9184410
But it was the consensus of writers,editors and fans that it was Bad literature. And I have no opinion either way,only the rememberence of this story and its place in fannish history. I leave opinions to others.

Anonymous Fri Mar 3 22:12:30 2017 No.9186078

>>9182517
>>9182954
Myopia fears motion's end; what halts once began, and the far-sighted, so distant from their vision's terminus, dream of approach and contact while quagmiring. Can the sinker more expect rewards than the runner – pancakes on a sick day, a housebroken Golden Retriever? Less so: who hears the end remembers a beginning. There is no pleasure in a crash; yet cognizance of this betrays the hand of the dead man splashed against the wall of his momentum. Having known the good, he can know when it will end.

Anonymous Fri Mar 3 22:19:05 2017 No.9186106

I woke up. However, rather than waking to the monochrome quasi-impressionistic dottings upon my drywall ceiling, I awoke with pages concealing my vision from my bland and dull ceiling. I had fallen asleep while reading - Again! I listlessly rise from my bed as my copy of "The Catcher in the Rye" falls from folded face. I casually yawned, and stretched my arms. "I wonder how absurd and Kafkaesque this day shall be," I pondered to myself philosophically. I had then suddenly remembered the stunning mistress I encountered in class the other day, reading Oscar Wilde. I was bewildered by such a fair young maiden enlightening herself with a patrician taste in the art of literature. "Hopefully she notices me reading 'Crime and Punishment' today in class, if not her, then maybe the teacher will notice and make a comment on my taste; and hopefully intellect." I arose from my coffin-like bed and began to descend downstairs, hoping that mother had made pancakes.

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 22:37:27 2017 No.9186188 >>9186078 word salad

>>	Anonymous Fri Mar 3 23:20:22 2017 No.9186386 File: 7 KB, 168x196, 1377750133502.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>9181393 son of a bitch

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 4 04:57:12 2017 No.9187207 Is there a name for this category of amusing pictures like OP?

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 4 05:09:53 2017 No.9187229 >>9187207 What's really gonna bake your noodle later is how did that cat open the garlic dip?

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 4 05:26:09 2017 No.9187244 >>9181393 I see the amount of replies and without reading I know that this post is truly a masterpiece.

Anonymous Sat Mar 4 05:27:49 2017 No.9187247

I scowl with frustration at myself in the mirror. Damn my hair—it just won’t behave, and damn Katherine Kavanagh for being ill and subjecting me to this ordeal. I should be studying for my final exams, which are next week, yet here I am trying to brush my hair into submission. I must not sleep with it wet. I must not sleep with it wet. Reciting this mantra several times, I attempt, once more, to bring it under control with the brush. I roll my eyes in exasperation and gaze at the pale, brown-haired girl with blue eyes too big for her face staring back at me, and give up. My only option is to restrain my wayward hair in a ponytail and hope that I look semi-presentable.

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 4 05:39:27 2017 No.9187265 >>9181393 lmao

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 4 05:41:11 2017 No.9187269 >>9181393 wow

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 4 05:44:47 2017 No.9187275 File: 67 KB, 600x828, 1477878300548.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>9181393 Not. Today.

Anonymous Sat Mar 4 06:44:52 2017 No.9187379

EverythingI touch dies. I stared at the beansprout for my biology project. The wilted green bud glared back me at me.
“Mr. Jastor,” I called out, “mine is dead.”
“Did you give it enough water?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“How about sunlight?”
“It was directly in the sun.”
Mr. Jastor came over to me and inspected the brown leaves. He gave me sympathetic smile. I frowned.
“Well you aren’t the first student with a black thumb and certainly won't be the last.”
I doubt most students have accidently killed as many pets as I have. More often than not I would forget to feed the fish or my would hamster getting sick. Looks like I am a black thumb.

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 4 06:46:24 2017 No.9187382 >>9181393 Poo.

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 4 07:25:26 2017 No.9187433 >>9181393 oh

Anonymous Sat Mar 4 07:43:12 2017 No.9187471

>>9180596
Have you ever visited that portion of Erin's plot that offers its sympathetic soil for the minute survey and scrutinous examination of those in political power, whose decision has wisely been the means before now of converting the stern and prejudiced, and reaching the hand of slight aid to share its strength in augmenting its agricultural richness?

Anonymous Sat Mar 4 08:17:53 2017 No.9187534

You're all missing the most obvious.

>Hi my name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that’s how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee.

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 4 08:36:37 2017 No.9187575 >>9181393 Tricky dick

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 4 08:43:33 2017 No.9187590 >>9180596 In the haze between waking and sleep he had begun his morning routine, the mental checklist he went through everyday just to be sure.

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 4 08:48:04 2017 No.9187599 >>9180596 It was was nothing more than to ease the minds of the peasants and nobility, something these two sorely needed in the new magic free world

Anonymous Sat Mar 4 09:09:33 2017 No.9187643

>>9182517
>>9182954

CRASH
CRASH
Comin' in my front door, cummin' in my back door, daddy's home!
I miss his dickie miss his dickie miss it like my doggie, miss mummy's pancakes, it just smells like poo poo in the mornings now, and my bottom always hurts.
But daddy's dickie's back now, and when daddy slams the basement door behind him I know his dickie means business!

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 4 09:46:09 2017 No.9187721 >>9181393 JEES

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 4 11:03:15 2017 No.9187917 >>9180634 >this could be passed off as postmodern literature and hailed as a classic.

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 4 11:09:43 2017 No.9187940 >>9181657 GR

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 4 11:11:07 2017 No.9187945 >>9181393 ayyyy

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 4 11:18:32 2017 No.9187973 Deep in his dark room, Ronald looked at the clock. Its 6 pm ticking madness and the ever-flickering lights of his dusty apartment suggested one lone word to his mind: PU$$Y

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 4 12:33:32 2017 No.9188282 File: 19 KB, 300x400, dfw_green_wallace.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] And but so, it turned out Mario was the Infinite Jest after all.

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 4 12:50:43 2017 No.9188353 >>9181694 I work for a small publishing company and I wouldn't mind showing some of this to my boss if you could write more.

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 4 12:58:53 2017 No.9188390 >>9188353 amanonthecorner@gmail.com contact me

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 4 16:25:08 2017 No.9189152 >>9181393 no

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 4 17:55:17 2017 No.9189538 The vampire hung suspended by his wrists from chains that stretched his arms widely. The chains were not long enough so he had to sit on his knees, with his head hung low and his face covered by his spiky wet hair.

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 4 17:56:22 2017 No.9189542 >>9189538 >the ending: And that is how Flashbird’s loyal minion found out he had a serious medical condition.

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 4 17:56:44 2017 No.9189545 >>9187207 lolcats

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 4 18:08:53 2017 No.9189595 lolita is a twelf year old gurl. She is uglyyyyy af but gives some gudd succ to her sugar daddy Hungry Humbert. her mama jealous af tho

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 4 18:22:16 2017 No.9189646 >>9183664 I like this one anon.

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 4 18:24:36 2017 No.9189654 >>9187207 diabitties

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 4 21:04:06 2017 No.9190249 My current for today was that my grandmother's engine had burst into homework that my dog ate.

Anonymous Sun Mar 5 03:54:46 2017 No.9191554

>>9189538
>The chains were not long enough so he had to sit on his knees
I HATE this kind of writing. Not long enough for what? To lay down? So he HAD to sit on his knees. Had to? As opposed to being forced to stand up for days on end? Wow, what fucking torture. Also, SIT on his knees? You kneel, and sit on your heels goddammit. Jesus fucking Christ.

>The chains were long enough for him to kneel against the floor.

>>	Anonymous Sun Mar 5 04:13:58 2017 No.9191591 >>9181393 Fug u

>>	Anonymous Sun Mar 5 04:25:07 2017 No.9191611 >>9181755 {+} six points to gryffindor for cufferoo

>>	Anonymous Sun Mar 5 04:30:01 2017 No.9191618 File: 329 KB, 1148x1148, burmese mountain dog.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] Honestly, I would have been married a long time ago if it hadn't been for you. Where did you come from? Where did you go? Where did you come from Cotton Eyed Joe?

>>	Anonymous Sun Mar 5 04:34:20 2017 No.9191631 >>9191618 wait, is that a gay love song?

>>	Anonymous Sun Mar 5 04:59:00 2017 No.9191679 File: 86 KB, 1387x1025, 1424083860040.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>9191554 It's just the opening line bro.

>>	Anonymous Sun Mar 5 05:02:06 2017 No.9191689 >>9191679 why would you do this to me

>>	Anonymous Sun Mar 5 05:03:21 2017 No.9191692 >>9191689 You're welcome.

>>	Anonymous Sun Mar 5 05:04:42 2017 No.9191697 File: 78 KB, 405x412, 1373427231874.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>9191618 >burmese mountain dog

>>	Anonymous Sun Mar 5 05:28:15 2017 No.9191758 File: 16 KB, 537x274, images (6).jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>9191679 >I didn't faint, I had a flashback!

>>	Anonymous Sun Mar 5 05:39:39 2017 No.9191794 File: 28 KB, 340x342, ste.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>9191758 >Rhyce defended himself quickly to show he was obviously telling the truth

>>	Anonymous Sun Mar 5 05:43:01 2017 No.9191809 >tfw this thread makes me remember the time I wrote an edgy school shooting story in 7th grade The opening line was something like: 'it was a typical shitty day in [protagonist]'s life.' I cringe every time.

>>	Anonymous Sun Mar 5 05:51:08 2017 No.9191833 >>9191794 >trademark revolver >trademark grin Just how successful was this story?

>>	Anonymous Sun Mar 5 06:03:49 2017 No.9191879 File: 97 KB, 1780x895, 1438160043135.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>9191833 It was a pretty big meme a while ago.

>>	Anonymous Sun Mar 5 06:20:29 2017 No.9191931 >>9191879 Such a shame... I had a vague hope it might have been originally sincere until you posted this one.

Anonymous Sun Mar 5 06:34:39 2017 No.9191988
File: 13 KB, 220x320, 12654400_944274112310137_9133356902189203850_n.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]

>>9191679
>"Haa, haa, haa!" He panted
>laughed diabolically
>cackled laughingly
>grinned his trademark grin
we're going beyond the point of no return here

>>	Anonymous Sun Mar 5 06:43:38 2017 No.9192016 >>9183321 comfy

>>	Anonymous Sun Mar 5 06:44:16 2017 No.9192018 >>9181393 piece of fucking shit die in a fire you whore

>>	Anonymous Sun Mar 5 06:55:28 2017 No.9192035 >>9191879 wait, is this the story where the mc is reading a kindle fire, and then suddenly the power goes out and his kindle fire goes out too?

>>	Anonymous Sun Mar 5 06:59:19 2017 No.9192047 File: 65 KB, 1171x60, ppay.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>9191879 >putting verbatim what your father said to you in your vampire story whoo boy

>>	Anonymous Sun Mar 5 07:16:20 2017 No.9192088 >>9191879 >>9191679 >she screamed while crying >I got the Shogun AND the Daimyo up my ass about this >tiny snubnose katana I just decided that I love this, and want to read more.

Anonymous Sun Mar 5 07:33:22 2017 No.9192147

>>9180596
She opened her book on gender sciences and began to read aloud: "Gender is a social construct that is upheld by conservative, patriarchal dictators to stop womynkind from achieving true enlightenment."

She continued on for a time. The passing crowds were unmoved. A few muttered curses were thrown her way. It took all of Fae Snowflake's strength to endure their audio rape of her personal sphere. She persevered and continued to speak.

Other womyns didn't meet her gaze when she called out to them. The outside observer might mistake this for embarrassment. But Fae knew that their silence was the truest form of protest that any womyn could perform.

On and on she went. Professing the truth that half a semester of 1st year Gender Studies had revealed to her. No patriarch would ever dare face her, in her truest aspect of Gaia. Each moment of indifference was proof that she was ascendant, spectral, glorious.

At last, someone stopped. He was a short, pale, slightly portly man. In many ways he was a mirror image of Fae. The crowd parted around him, as if his aura was overwhelming. His long, black trench coat opened to reveal his menacing combat fatigues, tucked into his knee-high, steeltoed boots. Fae caught the barest glimpse of a bright red waist coat under his coat. She sought out his eyes but they were shrouded in the shadow of his black cowboy hat.

He stood and listened to Fae for some time. She felt her inner Gaia awaken, as if drawn to this individual. And yet he stood stock still, shrouded in mystery and intrigue. Fae willed him join her.

At last, he moved. With a slow, deliberate, slightly uneven gait, he strode forward. Fae' inner Gaia began to tremble, just like when she heard her hero, Jill Stein, speaking. He came to a halt in front of her and Fae was almost overwhelmed by his aura. He stood proud, stoic, and with a faint impression of spicy cheese. He raised a pudgy hand to take off his hat, revealing a short shock of curly pink hair. His eyes were a murky green-blue.

He placed his hat to his chest and bowed forward ever so slightly. At last, this mysterious stranger spoke.

"Hello m'lady. May I introduce myself. My name is Shadow and I'm a Feminist. Please... tell me more..."

>>	Anonymous Sun Mar 5 07:38:15 2017 No.9192161 File: 2.00 MB, 200x112, tmp_15027-200w-1043697358.gif [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>9181393 h

>>	Anonymous Sun Mar 5 07:43:10 2017 No.9192171 >>9182517 I remember the thread this was posted in, don't worry anon

>>	Anonymous Sun Mar 5 07:52:16 2017 No.9192200 >>9181393 cuck

>>	Anonymous Sun Mar 5 07:58:33 2017 No.9192220 Riverrun, past Eve and Adam's, from swerve of shore to bend of bay, brings us by a commodius vicus of recirculation back to Howth Castle and Environs.

>>	Anonymous Sun Mar 5 08:08:54 2017 No.9192246 File: 128 KB, 1383x991, 1417012808368.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>9192047 There's more father-son talk where that came from.

>>	Anonymous Sun Mar 5 08:22:47 2017 No.9192296 >>9181393 liar

>>	Anonymous Sun Mar 5 08:35:47 2017 No.9192333 >>9181393 baka

>>	Anonymous Sun Mar 5 08:39:24 2017 No.9192342 Opening: a single thread of external Humanist fuck-based non-events End: it petered out into triply-redundant irrelevance and proudly so

>>	Anonymous Sun Mar 5 08:41:02 2017 No.9192347 >>9191679 >the rage that burned inside him like a raging fire

>>	Anonymous Sun Mar 5 08:51:53 2017 No.9192377 >>9192342 ngl, I'd read it.

>>	Anonymous Sun Mar 5 09:09:10 2017 No.9192440 >>9180719 Is English your first language?

>>	Anonymous Sun Mar 5 09:11:02 2017 No.9192443 >>9181393 Cocksucker

Anonymous Sun Mar 5 09:18:54 2017 No.9192457

I was fed up. I was fed up with the state of our society today. I always felt like I was moments from snapping from all the forced diversity in social media, and having Mary Jane as a black girl instead of a white redhead was the last straw. It was time for a change, and someone had to do it. That someone was me.

>>	Anonymous Sun Mar 5 09:21:17 2017 No.9192462 >>9192457 Shitposting aside, names aren't the best way to judge ethnicity. I've met white people named Tyrone and black people named Hubert before.

>>	Anonymous Sun Mar 5 09:28:56 2017 No.9192488 >>9192462 The point is that nerds are retards who are mad because "a black Mary Jane isn't canon! SJWs ruin everything!" When really they mean "I can't jack it to cartoon black girls!"

>>	Anonymous Sun Mar 5 10:11:20 2017 No.9192616 >>9181393 fugg

>>	Anonymous Sun Mar 5 11:32:43 2017 No.9192862 >>9181657 Crime and punishment

>>	Anonymous Sun Mar 5 14:54:34 2017 No.9193566 >>9192246 >the end Wait, so is he Flashbird or not? What the fuck.

>>	Anonymous Sun Mar 5 15:37:24 2017 No.9193758 >>9182954 CRASH! Baby shoes for sale, never worn.

>>	Anonymous Sun Mar 5 15:41:45 2017 No.9193780 File: 69 KB, 500x603, mietintö.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>9181393

>>	Anonymous Sun Mar 5 15:44:26 2017 No.9193792 >>9182954 Crashes. Dogs. Pancakes. Retrievers. Waking? Good. Mom! Never. It's impressionist.

Anonymous Sun Mar 5 15:55:15 2017 No.9193828

They were coming for me, I knew that. They wanted it, but I didn't have it. She had it now, and she knew what to do with it - and if she didn't, she knew that he did. Even if they found us, they couldn't have it, and if they chose to go for it, then they couldn't have us. It was a win-win situation, for now the tables had turned and the boot was on the other foot. As long as I could pull my finger out and go for gold, hope will out and the silver lining would shine through. We had won - or so I thought!
Does it get worse than this?

Anonymous Sun Mar 5 16:30:35 2017 No.9193989

The tiny fish lost patience. It launched itself into air, and after doing some very aggressive air flips landed in my bleeding empty left eye socket. Fish were considered very cruel negotiators, and the goldfish were the most merciless ones. The Russian man that stood next to the door gave me a sour look of sympathy. Today truly was the worst day. But it could have been worse, since that faggot car was finally dead.

>>	Anonymous Sun Mar 5 16:41:04 2017 No.9194056 >>9180634 >a prancing touchstone of uplifting trumpery lmao

>>	Anonymous Sun Mar 5 16:42:40 2017 No.9194066 File: 89 KB, 1080x1080, 1488032018468.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>9181393 Bastard

>>	Anonymous Sun Mar 5 16:54:52 2017 No.9194121 >>9181694 It reads like American teenage Wattpad fiction. I started laughing as soon as the word "witches" came up.

Anonymous Sun Mar 5 17:17:37 2017 No.9194239

There is little point in debating this further: I had been cursed. And just like any curse it started as a miracle: my bulge has grown twice in size. Oh how foolish I was, strutting around in tight trousers, lingerie optional, picking up women left and right and presenting them pleasure that only morpheic wings have otherwise did. And there was no stopping my desire either, it soon began to eat away most of my waking hours. Friends would hide their lovers and wives yet love found away. Always. I was king of every particular hill I happened to be standing on when it started to dawn on me.

As you might have guessed my majestic bulge and stamina came with a price: while I have pleasured women like an ancient barbarous conqueror, and at their own behest I might add, there was no climax for me. Oh there was pleasure and passion, but no final flourish: my sex act was incomplete. I toiled and toiled, until my miscles ached and whatever pair of legs spread before me begged me to stop, but my seed was not in any hurry to leave my body. Poor Nina.

I call her Nina because we met under a Nina Simone painting in a bar. i had already gone through most of the stuff and clientelle like a napalm blast through a Vietnamese village when in comes this lanky brunette with earhoops that would have fitted an anchor better and, walking like she has no other purpose than to save me from my torment. And she worked it, toiling like a bird trying to crack a wallnut just too big for her, but she failed in the task like all others before.

The way I see it there are 2 options left: a tight noose or getting myself rid of the magnificence below my belt by reversing the curse, however that came to be. I feel a tingling down there though, and not the blood-fuelled type. So I suppose it acts like a compass towards its origin and so do I and Nina who has made it her mission in life to provide me with sexual closure.

>>	Anonymous Sun Mar 5 17:24:10 2017 No.9194270 >>9194239 I really should have double checked for errors but fuck doing that on my phone.

>>	Anonymous Sun Mar 5 18:11:40 2017 No.9194510 >>9181393 damn...

>>	Anonymous Sun Mar 5 19:42:45 2017 No.9194964 >>9180596 I'm a paedo but I'm not going to kill myself, haha

>>	Anonymous Sun Mar 5 21:35:42 2017 No.9195435 >>9181393 .

Anonymous Sun Mar 5 21:58:14 2017 No.9195528

"Today's the day", muttered Jack. The first day he's felt alive in a long while. He couldn't believe he got this job, he finally feels he knows what it's like to have a career define you, to live and breath it and love it, like Sherlock Holmes or some shit.

Shit, yes that was the word racing through his mind. Crap, dung, poocakes and crusties, but mostly shit. His new job was driving around with one more partner and throwing brown sacks of human feces at people's homes who have been caught speeding by traffic cameras. And even better, if they look them up and they have no registered firearms, they can legally break in and take a fresh shit right on their very floor. What a day to be alive.

>>	Anonymous Sun Mar 5 23:16:42 2017 No.9195805 >>9181393 ...

>>	Anonymous Sun Mar 5 23:38:39 2017 No.9195902 >>9181393

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 6 00:29:52 2017 No.9196069 >>9195528 this's legit interesting

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 6 03:06:53 2017 No.9196370 >>9193566 Can you imagine the reveal? >Flashbird: "Rhyce, you are Flashbird." >Rhyce: "No."

Anonymous Mon Mar 6 03:10:00 2017 No.9196375
File: 62 KB, 372x457, tumblr_novoygOjkd1uvq3s5o1_400.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]

Opening:
>I woke up in a dirty room. I was alone, uncapable of remembering anything.
>Where am I? And more importantly: who am I?

Ending:
>At last I came back to this very same dirty room, wich I've explored at the beginning of my adventure. Now I know who I am...
>I am...
>GOD

The end

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 6 03:15:29 2017 No.9196397 >>9196375 >not "I am... [the book title]"

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 6 03:16:56 2017 No.9196402 File: 1023 KB, 389x230, BOy0iOW.gif [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>9181393

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 6 03:19:23 2017 No.9196405 >>9183019 lost

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 6 03:41:55 2017 No.9196459 >>9181393 Y-you too...

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 6 04:07:15 2017 No.9196526 >>9181393 You fucking faggot

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 6 04:10:32 2017 No.9196541 >>9181694 Holy shit this is gold

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 6 04:11:16 2017 No.9196543 >>9180681 Reminds me of Blake Butler

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 6 04:39:05 2017 No.9196579 >>9181393 Damn.

Anonymous Mon Mar 6 06:10:48 2017 No.9196742

>>9192488
As a literal minority comic fan, that's not the point. Reinterpreted events are fine and happen all the time. But things like that just tend to be annoying. It's not even race. If venom was green and Spiderman had a purple outfit I'd be just as upset.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 6 06:11:43 2017 No.9196744 >>9181694 MOAR

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 6 06:19:31 2017 No.9196752 >>9196397 >>9196397 perfect

Anonymous Mon Mar 6 06:22:26 2017 No.9196756

My African friend slammed the door behind as he walked into my room. He held aloft a small, leather-bound book. It was covered in occult symbols and glowed with an eerie menace.

I swore under my breath. I must have left it on the counter this morning when I was getting my coffee.

"What the fuck is this, James?" He asked, his eyes wild with panic and confusion.

I sighed and then turned to face him in my swivel chair. I held out my hand for him to return the book.

"My diary, Desu."

Anonymous Mon Mar 6 06:24:01 2017 No.9196757

>>9196742
I'm not a minority beyond being asexual so I guess I can't really say much on the topic. But "fanboys" are notoriously bitchy about anything like this, and usually start complaining about "SJWs" and "Game developers are alienating the straight white male!" which devalues any opinion on the subject, really. If it's on the internet, you're either one or the other, so...

I understand- there's the argument that why change the ethnicity when you could make a new character? Well, that's just the industry at the moment- they want to be inclusive and pc, but they're too chickenshit to do anything not already established. Which is fucking annoying, granted, but I don't think that's reason to dislike a black Mary Jane.

I'd much rather have a Miles Morales movie than a black Mary Jane, and the fact that they're making her black is obnoxious, but not BECAUSE she's black. Am I making sense?

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 6 08:08:19 2017 No.9197013 >>9181393 Ugh...

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 6 08:41:25 2017 No.9197112 >>9181393 Winner

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 6 08:59:36 2017 No.9197192 File: 219 KB, 500x860, 1488169958001.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>9181393

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 6 09:40:55 2017 No.9197302 >>9181393 Bad

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 6 09:44:10 2017 No.9197309 >>9196757 >they want to be inclusive and pc No they don't, they want to rape you in the ass with their religious leftoid bullshit whether you like it or not.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 6 09:50:25 2017 No.9197337 >>9181393 lol

Anonymous Mon Mar 6 09:50:29 2017 No.9197338

>>9197309
>a company wanting anything but to make the most money
you're a moron. The film industry is an industry. They spend millions of dollars on movies, to make millions of dollars on movies. If they piss people off, then they lose money.

No matter how you feel about it, gender identity, sexual identity and minorities are a hot button topic right now. Ering on the side of caution is good business.

What, do you think there's some kind of hooded SJW cult that calls up studios and demand that "they better have a gay black character in the next summer blockbuster or else".

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 6 09:51:39 2017 No.9197343 File: 814 KB, 300x225, 1487283887259.gif [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>9180634 >>9181694 >>9181755 >>9189538 Best ones, quality kek

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 6 10:25:56 2017 No.9197444 >>9183019 I think it's ok. Belongs to a slightly higher brow genre of sci fi movie than the guy you were replying to. In general it's a horrible idea for an opener.

Anonymous Mon Mar 6 10:36:37 2017 No.9197474
File: 88 KB, 684x334, 1478014513-20161101.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]

>>9180681
>>9181419
>>9181721
>>9181755
>>9182523
>>9182561
>>9183019
>>9183078
>>9183664
>>9187379
>>9189595
>>9197192
I would read these.

>>9192342
Which one is this? Google isn't helping and I can swear this one sounds so familiar.

Anonymous Mon Mar 6 10:39:18 2017 No.9197483

>>9197338
>If they piss people off, then they lose money.
Which they are, they're losing money _right now_, but they don't give a shit as long as their leftoid principles are upheld. Case in point: ESPN. Disney is planning to implode next. They're willing to sacrifice the Star Wars franchise to promote homosexuality.

> What, do you think there's some kind of hooded SJW cult that calls up studios and demand that "they better have a gay black character in the next summer blockbuster or else".
Yes, that hooded SJW cult leader is called 'the CEO'.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 6 10:45:36 2017 No.9197501 >>9197483 A few neckbeards abstaining from comics out of protest is nothing compared to the potential revenue of expanding their market to non-white dudes.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 6 10:49:59 2017 No.9197519 >>9180634 it's like lovecraft got a concussion

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 6 10:57:40 2017 No.9197553 >>9197501 Are you insane? China will not allow a Star Wars movie with a gay romance plot. They don't give a shit about money, they're willing to sacrifice the entire Chinese market over """principles""".

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 6 10:57:52 2017 No.9197556 >>9197501 big budget adaptations don't market to neckbeards, period. The neckbeard demographic is a foregone conclusion and, like you said, the potential revenue of everyone else far outstripes neckbeard revenue.

Anonymous Mon Mar 6 11:07:49 2017 No.9197588
File: 165 KB, 355x220, tumblr_nzuvjha3ud1uum0ouo1_400.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]

>>9197553
Look, I don't know what Abrams is going to do with Star Wars, but there's no fucking amount of backtracking and beards that'll convince me that Poe Dameron is straight. This is not how a straight man looks at another man.

Also, Star Wars is one of the biggest Franchises EVER. Even if they blow the chinese market (I doubt it) they're not going to lose money. They'll make 200 million profit international, instead of 250 million.

Anonymous Mon Mar 6 13:50:31 2017 No.9198372

>Start
My name is Cantmiss Everyteen. I come from Suburban 14. I am eighteen years old. I am not beautiful, I am not a genius. I would have been your average girl, if I were not named as one of the village's Champions.

The other Champion is Beata Mycuck. His eyes, one blue and one pink, were easy to get lost in. And for a simple girl like me, I was lost immediately in his shiny eyes.

I wanted to get his attention during the Champion Affirming Ceremony, while still looking worthy of being my village's Champion. So, I wore my favourite cute t-shirt, which was black and red, and ripped jeans that did not fit me well but made me look tough.

Standing by his side, it was night when the ceremony began. It was dark, until the clouds parted and the big, bright moon flooded the village with light. The crowd fell into a deafening silence as they beheld the sight before them.

>End
The perverted games were finally over. Somehow, Beata and I won, and Suburban 14 will not be destroyed by missiles this year. However, as Beata lay dying in my arms under the moonlight, I watched him sparkle and turn into a vampire werewolf one final time.

He caressed my cheek gently and told me he loved me. But even if he had lived, a love between human and a vampire werewolf would have been forbidden. Our love was doomed from the start.

As the crowd cheered on at our victory, I wondered if I had indeed, truly, won.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 6 14:02:11 2017 No.9198414 A sinister slick of salamander silver sat sideways upon Sandusky's crown.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 6 14:29:58 2017 No.9198535 >>9181393

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 6 14:35:15 2017 No.9198558 >>9182954 >Waking up to a loud crash rarely means something good is happening.

Anonymous Mon Mar 6 14:48:23 2017 No.9198613

>>9182954
>A crash? What an odd way to wake up, I thought. To me, in my sheltered little mind, waking up was something you that happened to the smell of Mamma making pancakes downstairs in the kitchen, or the feeling of my faithful pitbull Lassie slobbering my face.
But a crash? Slowly, the idea of the crash crept into my brighter fantasies. I imagined myself sitting at the breakfast table, fork in hand, eyes fixed on my mother as she prepare the second round of pancakes. It would be then that I hear the crash and wonder why Dad was taking so long to get the groceries. Or how I got dressed, Lassie panting away, waiting for me to accompany her into the garden. Crash. I would look out the window, and see....
I wasn't sure what it was, but it wouldn't be good.

R8, not a native english speaker

Anonymous Mon Mar 6 14:54:24 2017 No.9198650

>>9198613
>I woke up to a loud crash. A crash, I thought, what an odd way to wake up. To me, in my sheltered little mind, waking up was something that you did to the smell of my Momma making pancakes downstairs, or the feeling of of my faithful dog Lassie licking my soles. But a crash? This couldn't be right.
>Slowly, the idea of the crash crept into my brighter fantasies. I imagined myself stting at th breakfast table, fork in hand, eyes fixed on my mother as she prepared the second round of pancakes. It would be then that the crash appeared, and it would make me wonder why Dad was taking so long to get the groceries. I saw myself get dresseed, Lassie panting away, eaglery waiting for me to accompany her into the garden. CRASH! I would look out the window, and see... something. But nothing good, that's for sure.

fixed a few things
I tried

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 6 15:01:22 2017 No.9198684 >>9198650 >>9198613 pls tell me how shit my writing is

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 6 15:08:40 2017 No.9198741 >>9180596 >A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 6 15:31:52 2017 No.9198848 >>9192171 This is originally from reddit. How new are you exactly?

Anonymous Mon Mar 6 18:28:38 2017 No.9199827

>Irrational fear of ideas covered not many minds in history

>Because everyone followed what that document said: history covered all ideas, ideas covered every person. Everyone but him had due diligence to talk.

He was the only person with a natural life ordered by a mind, not a director.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 6 18:29:12 2017 No.9199828 It was the best of times, it was the stinkiest of times.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 6 18:46:32 2017 No.9199894 >>9197553 Oh no, Disney, an American company, is openly promoting American values such as freedom of choice, tolerance, etc, in it's movie just like Chinese blockbusters such as The Great Wall try to push Chinese values. They should be ashamed.

Anonymous Mon Mar 6 18:56:18 2017 No.9199948

Emma-Jean woke up with a cry that could make a pig's anus shrivel up into oblivion.

After all was said and done, that doughnut shop was still be there, with Gregory telling the customers about the Grapetown tragedy, and how I was the only one to walk away from it all.

>>	noQlue Mon Mar 6 19:00:09 2017 No.9199962 Alrighty Among the horizon there was a silhouetted lady, twirling in circles, slowly dancing and capering through the brisk air that was thin like sheets of paper.

Anonymous Mon Mar 6 19:29:14 2017 No.9200076

mfmffmfmfmfhhfhfhfffyu,yumyuymyumymfmfmfmfmf -woops didn't see you there reader, I was busy sucking aids shit cum vomit diahreah ass ASS suckyfucky pubic hair I WAS SUCKINH MY DADS POOHOLE

YUMMY YUMMY *wipes shit off lip* (with tongue)

you're up next reader, can't wait to LICK AND SUCK your shit, hope you don't wipe ;)

suckmmsuckymmmmmsuckyfuckmmm

god reader you didn't tell me you got periods from your asshole MMMM I'm in FUCKING love please PLEASE take a big POZ dump right down my fucking throat MMMM

;)

Anonymous Mon Mar 6 19:39:49 2017 No.9200121
File: 52 KB, 564x564, hungry jack.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]

"CRASH!", it echoes through my solitary room, "CRASH!", it's closer now, a noise permeating through the building. Muffled barks and shaking walls, the everyday life of the neighbours which I have never made contact with. I remember an offering of food once, waffles, something edible I was prompted with, I was coming down pretty hard on whatever I was using so it's all brain fog and mush which has dissipated. I declined, probably.

It's very real, my experiences in this building. All the people, spectres like me, festering. My neighbours are regular, not like the rest of us aggregational pavement divers.
pls rate

Anonymous Mon Mar 6 20:22:37 2017 No.9200330 [DELETED]

File: 2.03 MB, 2889x4423, F.C. Cowper - Vanity, 1907.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]

>>9180596
>Beginning
She had had enough. Rupi Kaur wasn't going to be silent anymore; men would know the suffering of women, and they would answer for it.

>Ending
As the resounding peal of the morning bells resounded through the sanctum, the town of Lesbos' women gave grateful thanks to St. Rupi, whose courage and zeal had freed them from the tyranny of men, and brought the patriarchy to its knees for eternity. They knew not what the future would bring, but, whatever it might be, Woman would decide for Herself.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 6 20:26:54 2017 No.9200351 >>9181393 sombitch

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 6 20:31:04 2017 No.9200370 >>9181755 This is actually funny.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 6 20:39:09 2017 No.9200414 >>9180596 If at first you don't succeed cheat. This was the legacy that my grandmother left me, this was the legacy that made me the man I am today.

Anonymous Mon Mar 6 20:40:13 2017 No.9200416
File: 2.03 MB, 2889x4423, F.C. Cowper - Vanity, 1907.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]

>>9180596
>Beginning
Rupi Kaur had had enough. She wasn't going to be silent anymore; men would know the suffering of women, and they would bleed for it.

They would bleed as Woman has in secret shame since God cursed Eve in Eden.

>Ending
As the resounding peal of the morning bells reverberated throughout the sanctum, the town of Lesbos' women gave grateful thanks to St. Rupi, whose courage and zeal had freed them from the tyranny of men, and brought the patriarchy to its knees for eternity. They knew not what the future would bring, but, whatever it might be, Woman would decide for Herself.

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 6 20:45:49 2017 No.9200445 >>9200414 42ct gold

>>	Anonymous Mon Mar 6 22:37:58 2017 No.9200872 Once upon a time I was the chosen one but then I woke up and remembered I have amnesia.

>>	Anonymous Tue Mar 7 07:40:53 2017 No.9202293 >>9200416 I think you win. Yours may be written fairly well, but at least with the others some entertainment may be gleaned from how incompetent their writing is. Yours would just be an entire book of irritating cringe.

Anonymous Tue Mar 7 08:51:48 2017 No.9202489

>>9180596
You'd think after uncountably many encounters, an unspeakably large sum, one so large that if I were to print the number on this page you would surely think it was a typo, gay sex would get boring. But no, this latest dick was as good as the first one, better even. For years of toil had prepared me for this moment, all of human history was leading up to this one encounter. I was covered in sour cream, I don't remember his name. By the end of the night, I was dead.

>>	Anonymous Tue Mar 7 08:58:57 2017 No.9202508 >>9180596 It was a dark and stormy night when a sweaty Jack Rage woke suddenly from a dream, sat bolt upright and looked at himself in the mirror.

>>	Anonymous Tue Mar 7 11:20:26 2017 No.9202890 >>9181393

Anonymous Tue Mar 7 11:29:04 2017 No.9202912

My turds that morning were dry and hard, like rubble held together by the pastiest of concretes, and as they fell from my ass, propelled by the vigorous gusts of aerosolized cabbage and beer from the night before, I realized that I loved Christine more than she could possibly bear.

Anonymous Tue Mar 7 11:31:49 2017 No.9202924
File: 165 KB, 638x1000, ugh.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]

>>9180634
Holy shit I need to read the rest of this. I need my mind shattered. I need to know what it feels like to see any other assemblage of letters and know there is nothing left for me there. I need to be cowed by the modest Author's humble genius hahahaha

>>	Anonymous Tue Mar 7 11:32:07 2017 No.9202926 riverrun, past Eve and Adam's, from swerve of shore to bend of bay, brings us by a commodius vicus of recirculation back to Howth Castle and Environs.

>>	Anonymous Tue Mar 7 11:36:24 2017 No.9202946 File: 337 KB, 1144x888, pepe2smart4u.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>9181393 it is inevitable that people die, retard we should all be lucky enough to go in our sleep

Anonymous Tue Mar 7 11:37:38 2017 No.9202954
File: 82 KB, 900x900, 1483996209080.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]

"Here begins the most epic tale of adventure the world has ever seen, starring our hero Na'than, the half demon half angel, who was out to prove once and for all that god didn't exist'

>>	Anonymous Tue Mar 7 11:39:13 2017 No.9202960 >>9181393 Are you a jew> ?

>>	Anonymous Tue Mar 7 11:39:36 2017 No.9202961 >>9184319 Sounds like something I would have written at the age of 12. I like it.

Anonymous Tue Mar 7 11:40:55 2017 No.9202964

>>9180596
>>9180596
>>9180596

Chapter One
YEAR OF GLAD
I am seated in an office, surrounded by heads and bodies. My posture is consciously congruent to the shape of my hard chair. This is a cold room in University Administration, wood-walled, Remington-hung, double-windowed against the November heat, insulated from Administrative sounds by the reception area outside, at which Uncle Charles, Mr. deLint and I were lately received.

I am in here.

Three faces have resolved into place above summer-weight sportcoats and half-Windsors across a polished pine conference table shiny with the spidered light of an Arizona noon. These are three Deans - of Admissions, Academic Affairs, Athletic Affairs. I do not know which face belongs to whom.

>>	Anonymous Tue Mar 7 11:42:29 2017 No.9202975 >>9183257 This was fucking great, thank you.

>>	Anonymous Tue Mar 7 11:43:09 2017 No.9202977 I have short term memory. I have short term memory. I have short term memory.

>>	Anonymous Tue Mar 7 11:44:37 2017 No.9202984 >>9191988 Thinking the exact same thing kek

>>	Anonymous Tue Mar 7 12:11:54 2017 No.9203058 File: 835 KB, 980x551, IMG_1329.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] It was Friday the 13th, the night before Halloween.....

>>	Anonymous Tue Mar 7 12:55:07 2017 No.9203240 >>9197474 >this one sounds so familiar. Yeah it's the archetypal anglo novel.

>>	Anonymous Tue Mar 7 13:49:46 2017 No.9203493 >>9193758 10/10

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/lit/ - Literature