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/lit/ - Literature

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8973136 No.8973136 [Reply] [Original]

Post your novel's first sentence. Discuss and rate others

I'll start:

Our horses were galloping towards the setting sun.

>> No.8973142

"Geh ins Bett, hör auf mit dem Theater!"

>> No.8973258

>>8973136
>our horses galloped towards the setting sun.

>> No.8973319

>>8973136
The slick mud caused the car to nearly spin out.

>> No.8973331

We were in class when the head-master came in, followed
by a "new fellow," not wearing the school uniform, and a school
servant carrying a large desk.

>> No.8973337

The microwave beeped, but no one was around to open it.

>> No.8973339

>>8973136
I fucked my horse in the ass. It was nice. There was night.

>> No.8973369

>>8973136
Please be joking anon

>> No.8973373 [DELETED] 

>>8973136
Sounds like a cheesy romance
2/10
>>8973319
Is this going to be a fast faced/thriller book?
5/10
>>8973331
Caught my interest
7/10
>>8973337
Sounds like pseudo-intelligent bs
3/10

>> No.8973375

"What the... is this heaven?," I asked. "You wish," the Devil laughed in a way that could be described as evil or possibly even demonic or even devilish if one were to look up synonyms. "Not again," my robotic dog sidekick, iBark, said or I guess you say, barked.

>> No.8973381

Renowned

>> No.8973384

>>8973136
Sounds like a cheesy, shity romance
1/10
>>8973319
Is this going to be a fast passed book?
If so 5/10
>>8973331
Caught my interest
7/10
>>8973337
Sounds like pseudo-intelligent bs
2/10
>>8973339
1/10
>>8973375
Pretensious bs
2/10

>> No.8973394

sir you got a call on line 1, pretty sure he might kill himself over the phone right here right now.

>> No.8973406

The crickets and the rust-beetles scuttled among the nettles of the sage thicket.

be gentle

>> No.8973411

I already told you... I just can't...
But why!? We really need you to do it, please, for the sake of our nation and the future of our children...

Suck your own dick

>> No.8973415

A Gentle Knight was pricking on the plaine,
Y cladd in mightie armes and siluer shielde,
Wherein old dints of deepe wounds did remaine,
The cruell markes of many' a bloudy fielde;
Yet armes till that time did he neuer wield:
His angry steede did chide his foming bitt,
As much disdayning to the curbe to yield:
Full iolly knight he seemd, and faire did sitt,
As one for knightly giusts and fierce encounters fitt.

>> No.8973420

They say the human body is around 60 percent water, if that's so then I can without a doubt say that your mother is biggest body of water on Earth; in other words: she's fat.

>> No.8973423

CRASH was what I heard after my golden retriever slammed into the table that my pancakes made by mommy dearest were atop which made me realize that no matter what there was only one true enemy left unless of course, dear reader, we are to count God, in which it is clear to me that two enemies remain, obviously God being one of them; and so after my dog recovered from his tumble we set out to become the catchers in the rye.

>> No.8973430

A breeze blew in through the window and cooled his hands.

>> No.8973432

Only one enemy remained... Two if you counted God.

>> No.8973433

>>8973406
what are rust-beetles?

>> No.8973442

Satan rode with us.

>>8973319
pretty generic, 5/10
>>8973331
neat 7/10
>>8973339
1/10
>>8973375
no
>>8973394
could be neat 6/10
>>8973406
neato 8/10
>>8973411
no 2/10
>>8973430
made me think, 7/10

>> No.8973455

>>8973136
Last night's piss-soaked pubic hairs swirled down toilet with a mix of bile and assorted liquors following it.

>> No.8973459

It wasn't until he pulled over that he saw the legs dangling from the wreckage.

>> No.8973462

>>8973455
the*

>> No.8973473

The sunlight shone in his eyes and woke him up.

>> No.8973474

In the remains of the world, only a cold gale persists.

>> No.8973477

>>8973433
Fuck I knew this would happen. lemme just post a bit more.

"Vámonos, amigos," he whispered, and threw the busted leather flintcraw over the loose weave of the saddlecock, and they rode on in the friscalating dusklight.

>> No.8973489

>>8973477
oh I get it. It's like a mix of the joyce neologisms with mcarthy cowbo stories

>> No.8973495

>>8973474
awkward

>> No.8973504

A procession of twenty or so men made their journey from the yellow cabs of the city to the towering oaks in the near woods.

>>8973459
6/10 personally. Would have to read some more to dictate an opinion

>>8973455
yuck/10

>>8973477
all the pretty horses/10

>>8973474
>>8973442
pretty good.

>> No.8973507
File: 59 KB, 539x539, IMG_0647.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
8973507

Nobody tell you the thing you love most is going to be what kills you.

>> No.8973508

See the child.

>> No.8973517

>>8973504
Jokes on you. That's exactly how I wanted to react.

4d check-m8

>> No.8973522

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must not be in want of a wife.

>> No.8973552

To forget would be to say goodbye and I don't think I have the cruelty nor the courage to do such a thing.

>> No.8973557

>>8973432
holy... i want more...

>> No.8973562

>>8973375
seems like the only genuine effort itt, but a robot sidekick thats named ibark??????

>> No.8973568

>>8973423
holy... i want more

>> No.8973588

The rain brought with it the song of the frog.

>> No.8973596

I am seated in an office, surrounded by heads and bodies.

>> No.8973609
File: 34 KB, 700x405, finger sniffing good.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
8973609

>>8973562
Better than a robot president named iBarack.

>> No.8973638

>>8973430
>>8973459
>>8973473
okay

>>8973432
>>8973442
>>8973455
no

>> No.8973651

I was born

>> No.8973662

Aye, my will is strong, he thought. But death can only be bent over so many times. And as I get slower, his pace stays the same.

>> No.8973674

>>8973136
Dès le matin, la tête encore tournée contre le mur et avant d'avoir u, au-dessus des grands rideaux de la fenêtre, de quelle nuance était la raie du jour, je savais déjà le temps qu'il faisait.

>> No.8973689

The man lowered the wide brim of his hat over his eyes, spat into the dirt, and sighed. "Here we go again", he murmured. His lips suddenly bent into a smirk.

>> No.8973699

>>8973674
merde

>> No.8973703

I’ll jump on 3.

>> No.8973711

>>8973142
Heilig... Ich möchte mehr

>> No.8973713

>>8973331
I would keep reading it desu

>> No.8973715

The chinks are squawking in their chicken language outside my window again.

>> No.8973735

>>8973715
去死吧,鬼佬

>> No.8973739

Remaining pieces of the canoe were strewn upon the shore while warmer bodies were clawing for the land, the colder ones were swallowed by the rapids into the lips of waterfalls and disappeared.

>> No.8973740

Hillary had lost, but this was only the beginning of the end.

>> No.8973741

>>8973735
SQUAWK SQUAWK

>> No.8973818

I was a happy and often sickly child, my blood smelling of asphalt, my eyes the sheen of linoleum.

>> No.8973853

There are at least four ways to be struck by shotgun fire that do not involve directly getting shot.

>> No.8973865

>>8973331
Holy shit, I'm too lazy to post a picture but I have a face of sad contempt seeing that no one recognizes what this is from.

>> No.8973972

>>8973865
You mean Madame Bovary ?
I only know the french version

>> No.8973980

Renowned curator Jacques Saunière staggered through the vaulted archway of the museum's Grand Gallery.

>> No.8974087

"Shit"

>> No.8974200

>>8973319
"slick mud" bish are you fucking kidding. Slick mud. "The slick mud" is the first fucking three words. The most boring description in the world? G T F O.

>> No.8974208

>>8974087
holy.... I want more!

>> No.8974220

An artist respects the silence, it serves as the foundation of creativity, he said in righteous anger.

>> No.8974232

>>8974220
Edit for superfluous adverbs and adjectives.

You don't want to dictate the emotion of "righteous" anger, you want the reader to infer the quality of the anger based on the circumstances and personality of the character. Otherwise you're story is less of an invitation to a reader and more like you're yelling it at them with less degree of interpretation.

Also, starting with a seemingly didactic message is perhaps not the best.

>> No.8974240

>>8973384

It's relatively fast passed, especially the prologue.

>>8973442
>>8974200

Thanks for the feedback. It's first draft so will be changed and an easy way to start the story for now.

>> No.8974243

Papabot 85261 aka "TriplePlatinum" gripped the cold pistol grip of the SPAS-12, his finger on the trigger, as it lay concealed in the delivery bag.

>> No.8974332

Jem, mio fratello, aveva quasi tredici anni all'epoca in cui si ruppe malamente il gomito sinistro

>> No.8974342

>>8974232

NO! You get out! This one of the most important places in North America and who the fuck are you! WHO ARE YOU?! You miserable presumptuous no-talent! You're no artist. You OBVIOUSLY don't have the talent. You don't have enough respect for yourself or other people, OR what it is to express yourself. In literature, or any other form of creativity. I'm an NYU film school graduate, SUCKA! And the school of visual arts, and the Academy of Arts San Francisco... YOU SUCK! You're a no-talent! If you really had talent, go practice! Get yourself a GIG, instead of ruining the day for everybody down here, you're a DISGRACE! You're everything that is gone wrong in this world, you're a self-consumed, no-talent mediocre piece of shit! And I've earned my right to say it!

>> No.8974463

I died in the gutter, alone and bleeding out like a stuck pig, memories fading into the night like those final puffs of cigarette smoke, I had it all once, the job, the home, the family, The American Dream ... I gambled it all for a dame, and as lady Fortune had it ... snake eyes.

>> No.8974597

>>8974332
>sacer.... voglio di più, mamma li turchi!

>> No.8974666

as the white knight approached, the sound of his galloping abs reverberated, and when he stopped, he said, "halt, matriarch! did i hear you blacksplaining? i must stand for this injustice."

>> No.8974738

The Rev. Reginald Gumby, sometime pastor of Glum-Pudding-on-Welkshire Abby, reflecting upon the trouncing of his youthful predilections by the recent enfeeblement of his body (due to the waistcoat sewing-contest accident with claimed his left leg), determined himself to a revenging malevolence, and began to hobble down the cobblestone path, fully intent upon betraying his ministerial dignity and causing a ruckus among the unsuspecting townsfolk below.

>> No.8974789

>>8974738
>which claimed*

>> No.8974799

>>8974342
hahahaha I just showed that video to my friends an hour ago. I love how he thinks the Academy of Arts SF is an accomplishment to gloat over. It's a prime example of an opportunistic, worthless education.

>> No.8974817

>>8974738
OK, you have potential as demonstrated by your use of syntax, vocab, the rhythm of the sentence and also the subtle comedy you created in just one sentence, how you've already created an exposition in just that one sentence, but who are you trying to impress?

This isn't the 18th century. It's good prose, but artificial. I don't usually respond to these threads or even look at them but this caught my eye because it's well-written, funny, and sad because it shows potential being wasted. Again, I'm not going to lie, it's a great opening sentence, but you have to determine whether the archaism of it is deliberate or not.

Good writing.

>> No.8974821

>>8973339
Nice.

>> No.8974868

>>8974817
Thanks for the response. To be honest I just made it up for this thread. When I wrote it I was thinking of The Unstrung Harp by Edward Gorey, which uses archaism for comedic effect. I used to write when I was younger, but not so much recently. I may have to pick it back up. Thanks again.

>> No.8975075

>>8973432
what's the origin of this meme?

>> No.8975118
File: 30 KB, 547x603, 1484417496174.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
8975118

>>8973517
>I was just pretending

>> No.8975119

>>8974342
kek'd.

>> No.8975148
File: 29 KB, 400x400, tom.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
8975148

>>8973853
thats one pretty funny pham

>> No.8975188

>>8973136
These were annoying niggers.

>> No.8975249

Her giant member was on my mind, but how could I ever get her to show me its girth.

>> No.8975280

The day my head was amputated will forever linger in my memory banks.

>> No.8975304

The silence of the schoolyard was broken by Nylian's scream as the spell caught her square in the chest and sent her tumbling backwards.

>> No.8975419

In a certain village in La Mancha, which I do not wish to name, there lived not long ago a gentleman—one of those who have always a lance in the rack, an ancient shield, a lean hack and a greyhound for coursing.

>> No.8975427

>>8975249
The two halves of this sentence imply a contradiction. "Her giant member was on my mind" implies that the narrator has already seen her penis while "how could I ever get her to show me its girth" implies that he's never seen it.

Are you sure the word "ever" should be in there? If yes, how does the narrator know the size of her member?

>> No.8975467

Tom was clanging to a beat only he could hear.

>> No.8975480

im going for a sort of bukowski vibe here pls be constructive:

Meanwhile, on the other side of the tracks, Flip and Slappy lit their pot cigarettes. They were sitting in their crack house, where roaches and termites crawled among piles of dirty needles. “Hot damn!” said Slappy. “That horse is kicking my butt!”
Flip laughed and picked up the bag of white powders from the floor. “You got that right, soul brother!” he exclaimed. “This is the hardest drug I ever toked!”

>> No.8975502

Now that he had finally reached Paris, Chip understood why they called it the City of Lights. It was the lights! There was something special about Paris that was indescribable. It was so different than being back home in Terre Haute. There was something he couldn’t put his finger on, a certain…je ne sais quoi.

>> No.8975507

Late capitalism is .mhy76bgtvfs—hold on, my pesky cat, Bartok Finkelstein, just walked across the keyboard, ironically disrupting yet again the suspension of disbelief.

>> No.8975512

>>8975480
This is pretty bad man. The whole first sentence is unnecessary and the rest is shit

>> No.8975517

my name is ishmael

>> No.8975518
File: 98 KB, 460x405, flube.gif [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
8975518

"It was the third of July, the day when they finally completed the system of German Idealism, and the bananas were polycurdling."

>> No.8975542

It was the largest hamburger he had ever seen -- the largest one made out of people, at least.

>> No.8975554

He was dangerously relaxed in a situation that required at least a little bit of urgency.

>> No.8975559

>>8973394
i like it

>> No.8975560

Look, a new day arrives and here I am lying, awaiting death as each breath passes pampered without any care or obligations.

>> No.8975564

>>8973415
muh Spenser

>> No.8975565

>>8973375
I thought this was hilarious

>> No.8975614

Card shuffle, new story, try again.

>> No.8975618

>>8975614
lame.

>> No.8975625

The fake cold breeze, blowing from the air conditioner, into the back of my neck, was the only thing I could manage to feel at the time, fooling me into thinking that I was indeed alive.

>> No.8975631

Through melded slits his eyes beheld the world; and in echoing steel chasms he heard its voice. The trees aloft had swallowed him. All the madly spiraling branches, dead and brittle, amassed a phalanx that encompassed what could be seen of the sky- as a great toothy mouth that laid forever agape in hunger. And when his warm breath fumed against the metal grills, so too did the breath of the marsh sway their decomposite limbs in harmonious mockery. The sky pulsed, vast then narrow and vast again; each retraction rendering the yonder brighter and the earth abysmal.

>> No.8975645

From 13 years of intense formicological studies, James Dawson had started to
glow in the dark

>> No.8975665

>>8973136
Mars doesn't have a magnetic field.

>> No.8975683

"The hunter waited for the unicorn to look away before he raised his spear-thrower."

>It's not fantasy it's actually science fiction.

>> No.8975686

>>8975683
Why is the hunter lifting an African person?

>> No.8975692

>>8975686
Don't be hateful.
Spear thrower = atlatl.

>> No.8975699

>>8975507
This is funny as a fake first sentence in a thread on 4chan. It would be embarrassing shit in a real book in real life

>> No.8975709

>>8975542
I chuckled audibly.

>> No.8975775

Chapter 1: Mortis

I let out a low, satiated growl as I pulled my manhood out her wet, sticky mound and sparked up another joint before I had regained full sensation to my hands.

>> No.8975805

>>8973740
actually write this book

>> No.8975807

The sound of sock feet and squealing children bounced off the walls of the Activity Learning Center.

>> No.8975812

The night was defined in the way the wind turned water into bullets

>> No.8975813

>>8975692
Its ahtlatl you ignorant dumbass

>> No.8975817

>>8975813
I speak English, not Nahuatl.

>> No.8975838

Through the ruin of a city stalked the ruin of a man.

>> No.8975842

She was a dark and stormy knight.

>> No.8976146

A man stood upon a railroad bridge in Northern Alabama, looking down into the swift waters twenty feet below.

>> No.8976157

The apartment resembled the nest of a feral animal that had been trapped for weeks.

>> No.8976177

>>8973136
Wind howled through the night, carrying a scent that would change the world.

>> No.8976179

Me called Queequeg.

>> No.8976182

This is a tale narrated by an idiot, full of pretentious adverbs and pointlessly long descriptions, signifying nothing.

>> No.8976217

Human?What exactly is a human?

>> No.8976231

He hesitated at the entrance to the queefing party, his face contorting at the muffled cacophony emanating from within

>> No.8976280

Every time he cut it off the doctors sewed it back on.

>> No.8976282

Ohnnacht was the word he heared gently stammered, as he woke with one single rapid gasp. Still holding this first breath he searched panically a pen, to write down his dream on the top sheet of the pile placed on the nightstand, as he saw that it was nothing he could really describe.

>> No.8976292

A singular breeze from the river momentarily lifted the intense heat that permeated the air around him and for a moment he felt like he could carry on a little longer.

>> No.8976293

>>8973136
On April 1st, 1924, I began to serve my sentence of detention in the Fortress of Landsberg am Lech, following the verdict pronounced by the Munich People’s Court on that day.

>> No.8976294

"Oh my god, I've turned into an anthropomorphic skunk!" Kenjuku screamed as he broke the mirror with his fist (paw).

>> No.8976295

>>8976179
sup' Queequeg

>> No.8976312

>>8976146


I'd read more.

>> No.8976316

The waves reached his beard today, but he would keep his distance: 3 meters from the shore is the golden rule. Gently he scraped the clams with his homemade tool, loyally he sorted out the young ones to not overfish his loved sea.

>> No.8976319

"BLood was dirping from my claw (i have claws instead not hands, dont worry ill expln later :3 ) and the body of my dead stepdad or shall i say stepDERP! was laying on the floor on front of me and was dead because i hadnt couldnt control my new powers and i was a bit weirded out bye the blood but than i said "dont worry old man ill take out the trash!!" and then i took out the body and put him in the trash bin lol"

>> No.8976321

>>8973331

no-one going to mention that this guy just quoted Madame Bovary??

>> No.8976325

He stood and closed the door; he had walked the dinosaur enough for today.

>> No.8976326

>>8976321
It has in fact been mentioned already.

>> No.8976331

>>8976326

i just saw now. sorry folks

>> No.8976339

"Bevor wir beginnen, sollten wir uns über eine Tatsache im Klaren sein: Es besteht keine Hoffnung für den weißen Mann; erst aus der Akzeptanz dieses Umstands kann wahrer Widerstand erwachen, ein Widerstand, der nicht darauf abzielt, etwas zu bewahren, zu verbessern oder zu retten, sondern einzig darauf, zu rächen."

>> No.8976343

>>8973136


Optimists ask for permission, fatalists ask for forgiveness. I guess that's why the men I expected are fertilizing rice patties, and this 'brig rat' is here for a suicide mission.

>> No.8976394

>>8976331

so the only good first sentence here was lifted from somewhere else?

writting is pretty hard it seems.

>> No.8976408

>>8975645
Halfway decent. I'd keep reading.

>> No.8976419

>>8974463
Cringed so hard at the last two words. Stop now. Burn everything.

>> No.8976463

He thought and then thought again, but the greeks were already past him and he had no strength to fought against them.

>> No.8976507

In fossa, solus miserque avus superest.

>> No.8976509

>>8973136
>Only one enemy remained, two if you counted the golden retriever

>> No.8976518

>>8976509
I forgot :

>I had to eat the golden retriever, but then I was my own enemy, the foe against all humanity. I was alone and I was all, everything was me and I was everything.
>Thus, to not be wasn't being human even though humans died while not being for the sake of creating.
>Maybe you're wondering how this happened, it's pretty simple actually, let me explain it to you.

>> No.8976519

>>8973136
Dear diary,

>> No.8976522

>>8976519
i'm done with this shit.

Much greetings,

Anne Frank

>> No.8976524

'What was in those eyes?' Adam thought - he had pressed the right buttons, hit the right nerves but as he stared onto his friend, he proved to be impenetrable yet again.

>> No.8976569

Cancer is a bummer.

>> No.8976576
File: 51 KB, 349x642, 1407100914482.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
8976576

>>8975118
Jokes on you. I don't even have a novel.

>> No.8976622

"All right, boys", said father, his belt dangling from an angry fist, "which one of you fucked the horse?"

>> No.8976876

The building was on fire and it wasn't my fault.

>> No.8976893

>>8973375
>iBark

Fucking hell

>> No.8976902

>>8975502
Holy...I want more

>> No.8976943

>>8976622
>>8973339

Best ones so far

>> No.8976952

>>8976507
sacer...! vuolare più

>> No.8977068

>>8976622
>>8973339
>>8976943
>>>/mlp/

>> No.8977072

>>8977068
/thrash/

>> No.8977079

>>8973980
10/10 this board needs more Dan Brown

>> No.8977085

>>8975542
Genuinely funny

>>8975554
Sounds like my diary desu. Except that wouldn't be in the third person.

>> No.8977095

>>8975838
Promising, apart from 'stalked'. Gives the feeling it's going to be some edgy post-apocalyptic thing with katanas, but I'd read on anyway just in case it wasn't.

>> No.8977104

>>8976419
>Stop now. Burn everything.
These would be pretty good as last sentences.

>> No.8977125

>>8976509
>Only one remained, 5 if you count the pancakes.

>> No.8977131

>>8975075
https://www.reddit.com/r/writing/comments/50zgb0/post_your_opening_sentence/

He deleted his account though, but the comment was what you quoted. "CRASH!" is also a juicy meme from the same thread.

>> No.8977352

>>8975625

More?

>> No.8977939

>>8976419
well the twist ending is he doesn't actually die, when the cops come he throws a deck of playing cards into the air and disappears

>> No.8977943

A howl was heard, by and large, by the still-standing bystanders, confused by the ear-murdering, scathing scream which somehow in their collective minds resembled a malfunctioning foghorn,
an anathema to silence, an ode to the sufferings of yore.. what they had seen wandering in the gutters of life, meat-pits smoldering with black, festering hatred; and none of them knew who had done it, who had savagely killed Poor Roger Ballen, a father of nine (and a loving husband of four) in front of that poor excuse of a Southern Baptist Church, none of them knew...

>> No.8977971

>>8973136

When the bomb went off there were many witnesses but few concerned. Its pressure waves spread through the crowd not as a spasm but a shrug; the morning stretch of a resigned salaryman. This was the start of a new day.

>> No.8977973

In the wan hours of the morning, no traffic passed. The breeze off the South Bay was startling and fresh and the birds were hungry.

>> No.8977978

>>8977971
>>8977943
i find all bad writers tend to have the same voice. these look like i wrote them. this is not meant as an insult per se.

>> No.8977991

look fags, the point was to rate others while you post yours

retards

>>8976463
3/10
>>8976316
6/10
>>8976282
4/10
>>8976231
5/10
>>8977973
5/10
>>8977971
4/10

>>8973406
>>8973415
>>8973442
>>8976876

only good ones itt

>> No.8978304

>>8973552
>>8973588
Great!

But this remains my fav: >>8973715

>> No.8978321

>>8974738
Completely disregard the negativity of this anon: >>8974817.

Your opening sentence is great. There is nothing too "archaic" about it.

>> No.8978339

>>8977991
>look fags, the point was to rate others while you post yours

I like it, 7/10

>> No.8978416

>>8973136
Darn it all! thought Pol Pot. Them snooty intellectuals get my goat bad.

>> No.8978456

>>8978321

>ruckus

>> No.8978461

The physicist squinted into the microscope. This kind of atom was a tricky customer.

>> No.8978481

Nobody expected the man with the hook-hand

>> No.8978485

A man falls from the sky, carried by angels, all handsome and wholesome.

>> No.8978507

But I have an Army at my disposal! the president suddenly remembered. He got Congress on the phone and told him to declare war.

>> No.8978517

The cold barrel of the shotgun was etched up my mug, and the blood from the scraped roof of my mouth merged ironically with the taste of the barrel.

>> No.8978526

>>8973508
underrated

>> No.8978529

>>8973406
>>8973433
>>8973442
>>8977991

>The crickets and the rust-beetles scuttled among the nettles of the sage thicket.

The fact that no one has pointed out that this is a fucking Wes Anderson reference just made me realize that this board is populated by a throng of uncultured dumbfucks. No idea how it took me this long.

>> No.8978539

>>8973508
overrated

>> No.8978540

>>8978416
Would read further.

>> No.8978541

>>8978529
>watching Wes Anderson movies makes you cultured
really made me think

>> No.8978545

>>8973136
I died for pride

>> No.8978546

>>8973508
rated exactly right

>> No.8978552

>>8978456
If the word "ruckus" is what you consider "archaic" that says more about you mate.

>> No.8978558

>>8973136
Max hated the greenroom.

>> No.8978568

>>8975118
That's a pretty good opening line t b h

>> No.8978593

>>8978552

I'm not the same poster, I just assumed that's what he was probably calling archaic. Personally I don't remember having seen this word used -- then again I'm not a native speaker, but that's no excuse for a poor vocabulary. I write down words I don't know all the time, here's a couple I wrote down recently:

throng
deft
wince
foyer

>> No.8978609

>>8978529
>Wes Anderson
googles him
ALIVE

If the author is alive, the work holds no value whatsoever. These kind of works can only come from the dead.

>> No.8978616

The stars last night, nearly infinite, shone with the intensity of nearly infinite suns, as if each of them floated in the great expanse of space, known colloquially and otherwise as space, burning up, self-immolating for all spectators to enjoy, giving life and destroying it, for what purpose only the stars know, or perhaps their creator, if they have one, but he may as well be dead so long as he refuses to show himself.

>> No.8978618

>>8978321
>There is nothing too "archaic" about it
Um, see >>8974868. The author literally says
>When I wrote it I was thinking of The Unstrung Harp by Edward Gorey, which uses archaism for comedic effect

>> No.8978640

>>8978616

This is a wonderful first line, although the comparison of the stars shining compared to the intensity of nearly infinite suns seems pointless considering they're the exact same thing. You can't compare the intensity of nearly infinite stars to nearly infinite stars.

>> No.8978652

>>8978640
notsureifserious.jpg

>> No.8978687

>>8978652
ohveryserious.jpg

if you are saying that every star in the night sky was shining like OUR sun, then the setting is too absurd. If you are saying that every star in the night sky was shining like the general definition of a sun, then it would look like any other night which adds nothing to the story besides a cheap attempt at making the setting sound more eloquent than it is.

>> No.8978765

>>8976876
pretty good

>> No.8978775

>>8978517
>ironically
Remove this word and you'll be fine. It doesn't make any fucking sense why you would include that word in there.

>>8977943
>>8978616
Too many commas

>>8976876
boooooring

>>8976622
made as a joke lmao

>>8976524
forgettable

>>8976280
his dick?

>>8976182
at least you're honest

>>8975842
lmao


"What happens after you die?" I typed into the word processor.

>> No.8978810
File: 163 KB, 810x716, kuoleman_puutarha.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
8978810

Aamuyön pimeän punertuminen hämärää päin värjäsi alavan pellon yllä leijuvan sumun kaikkiin ruskan sävyihin; vastakkaisessa suunnassa lisääntyvä valo paljasti metsän yläpuolella pilviä, muhkuraisia ja suuria, jotka kiirehtivät tuomaan pelloille Jumalan sateen. Tätä kaikkea seurasi mies.


English:
The reddening of the dawn's darkness towards dusk coloured the mist floating above low-lying fields into all of the colours of fall; in the opposite direction the growing light revealed that over the forest there were clouds, round and great, whom hurried to bring God's rain over the fields. All this was observed by the man.

>> No.8978869

>>8978775

No, it makes sense because blood tastes like iron and the barrel of the gun does as well, therefore I'm basically transmuting the word into a literal expression of the word "ironic," while still conforming to the actual definition.

>> No.8978997

It was all a dream

>> No.8979010

>>8978997
I used to read Word Up magazine

>> No.8979017

"I wonder if it will rain."

>> No.8979034

>>8973508
8/10

>> No.8979038

yo cucking fumeswapper

>> No.8979045

A forced march, across the Helvetian hills, sheep and cattle grazing on grass, boys and girls playing. But not us 'boys and girls', uniform clad, boots tight, the kit bounced with each step. The town of Odus, more of a military camp but all the same sat just outside of the old city of Geneva. The break we desired, if only for a few days while we organised in preparation to relive the Horris Infantry Company.

>> No.8979048

When the light turned green the crew chief keyed his mic and said "60 seconds to the beach, surfboards out."

>> No.8979059

>>8978869
Don't forestall the reader's reaction to that image, let him draw the conclusion.

>> No.8979080

A mowing comes across the lawn.

>> No.8979090

The Eagle village watched the capsule streak across the sky and disappear over the ridge into the Lion lands.

>> No.8979129

“Sometimes, I wonder what people who talk about stuff, for long periods of time, like what do they talk about?”

>>8979048
2/10 unless a comedy about nudists who fly helicopters and call their penises "surfboards"
>>8979045
10/10 for swiss heritage
>>8979038
1/10, incorrect grammar.
>>8978997
3/10, no punctuation but a good meme
>>8978558
2/10, Max sounds like a faggot
>>8978552
7/10 for accidental good line
>>8978545
5/10, unless a novel about a gay man who took it in the ass for the needs of the many
>>8978507
1/10, capitalize you fuck
>>8978485
are they gay? 1/10 either way
>>8978481
to give them the business? 2/10 bc hook heritage
>>8978461
1/10 reminds me of a gay porn
>>8978416
10/10.
>>8977978
good opener.
>>8977943
...you're still here? go home, movies over
>>8976893
bark/10, would read again.
>>8976576
9/10, good line.
>>8976569
obummer?
>>8976343
as long as this is gay porn, it's fine.
>>8976339
was ist das, herr faggot?
>>8976321
3/10, would've been better if you had used one question mark instead of two.
>>8976319
as long as this is gay p- 0/10
>>8976294
Oh my god! (bad)/10
>>8976217
>>8976217
spacing/10
>>8976179
10/queequeg
>>8976157
Dear diary,
>>8975842
It was a bad and corny sight...

>> No.8979156

>>8979129
>2/10 unless a comedy about nudists who fly helicopters and call their penises "surfboards"
It's about amphibious commandos surf into battle. It's part of the "Bikini Brinawash" series but if you read between the lines its in the same universe as "The Legend of Elvis Presley" and "Six Cylinder Samurai."

>> No.8979194

>>8973596
Now I'm curious. Are the heads attached to the bodies? If not, did all the heads originally belong to one of the bodies? Are there even the same number of each?

>> No.8979269

>>8978593

I am >>8974738. I don't think that the word "ruckus" is in itself archaic. Part of the archaism is the "revenging malevolence" being expressed through a violation of social norms. The word "ruckus" seemed to me an innocent enough contrast to "malevolence" to express that.

>> No.8979285

>>8979194
it's infinite jest fag

>> No.8979288

>>8979285
inb4 i knew that i was just baiting

>> No.8979299

I shook the rain from my hat and walked into the room. Nobody said a word. They stepped back politely and I could feel their eyes on me.

>> No.8979312

I dropped to one knee and fired twice.

>> No.8979325

>>8979299
>>8979312
Posting meme lines? C'mon, this is a rate and discuss thread, no need to be selfish cunts.

>> No.8979354

>>8979288
Na. Never read it.

>> No.8979362

>>8979354
It's ok, neither have I.

>> No.8979370

>>8973136
There was no bus when he got there, only an old man with a briefcase.

>> No.8979377

>>8979370
seems like way too many things to keep track of initially

>> No.8979389

I cried, but no tears fell.

>> No.8979401

Stalin grabbed his board, a freshly waxed 1963 Hansen Cardiff, longer from fin to nose than the animate corpse of the dictator holding it. He turned to face Satan with a competitive grin on his face, eyeing the board help in his hand. Held between Satan's sharp fingers was nothing more than his fleshy red cock, erected in the shape of a vintage 1978 Dick Brewer Pipe Gun, with his pulsing dorsal vein replacing the characteristic line down the deck. This was the moment we had all been waiting for, and the one that would define the course of war for millennia to come.

>> No.8979440

A tortured scream broke through the gentle murmur of the chanting.

>> No.8979446

From beyond, the vessel appeared in space.

>> No.8979457

>>8973715
I would read this.

>> No.8979467

We were in Texas at the time; and at the time it was ‘we’, for one and all we were experienced, and each individually had come to the realization that addicts, though inherently driven to live for themselves, required connections to continue to exist, required avenues of possibility for hookups and loans, for fronts or places to crash; so like mold on the crust, we formed our network of symbiotic acquaintanceships.

>> No.8979477

>>8973375
I'm stealing this.

>> No.8979478

He awoke sleepily as the light penetrated his eyeballs. And for a minute he thought about how much it took to the sun to get far as it had to penetrate him right in the eyeballs.
"man the sun is fast" he thought to himself
"at least as fast as six sharks" whispered his son, T.J. von Abraham

>> No.8979482

I am being compressed in this room.

>> No.8979486

>>8979446
Or, alternatively, 'From nowhere, the ship appeared somewhere.'

>> No.8979491

I used to stay up late.

>> No.8979495

cos(x^2+sin(x^2=?
The student first looked at the problem with a grimace, then a smirk, and, forgetting his book, promptly gave up; he quickly rubbed out a quick one before falling asleep in his shabby apartment.

>> No.8979496

Stately, plump Buck Mulligan came from the stairhead, bearing a bowl of lather on which a mirror and a razor lay crossed.

>> No.8979502

>>8973136
The over weight female cop kick open the door to the men's bath house, gun drawn, shouting "Put your fat cocks where i can see them!"

>> No.8979503

>>8979496
Stately lump, Fuck Mulligan came from stairhead into a bowl bearing penis in hands.

>> No.8979522

>>8979478
I tried to read this out loud and broke out into hysterics. I literally have no idea why.

>> No.8979524

He awoke to once again find the lid missing from the haunted peanut butter jar.

>> No.8980024

The Khan reclined on a thick tiger's pelt, holding his head up on one arm.

>> No.8980199

>>8973136
My cock was beginning to throb, growing with every passing moment.

>> No.8980232

>>8979502
>Illustrations by an R. Crumb imitator.
I like it.

>> No.8980238

>>8980232
>>8979502
i would love this

fuck imagine gravity's rainbow illustrated by r. crumb

holy hell

>> No.8980266
File: 12 KB, 607x1080, opus 161.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
8980266

The mess of space.

>> No.8980271

Another day like today and I'll kill you.

Thoughts?

>> No.8980277

>>8980271
Gimmicky, kind of like you're talking more to the audience, specifically that you're trying to reel them in. The FUNCTION of the first sentance CAN be to hook in the audience, but with what you have it feels like nothing but.

My advice is to add some in-context idiosyncrasy so it's less blatant.

>> No.8980288

>>8973375
This is some top shelf satire anon

>> No.8980309

>>8978609
>he doesn't even know who WA is
How embarrassing for you.

>> No.8980312

>>8980277
Thank you for the honesty anon ill take that into consideration

>> No.8980338

>>8980312
No prob bud.

>> No.8980371

>>8978618
I still wouldn't call it archaic or artificial or even a wasted talent judging by one sentence.

>> No.8980374

Ash the color of steel filled the sky as all looked up from their dead screens to gaze upon the thirty-six portents of the centuries to come.

>> No.8980388

>>8978541

It's entry level contemporary American film culture. Sorry you got jimmied.

>> No.8980409

>>8973715
Holy... I want more

>> No.8980418

>>8973136
"Qon-ek lived in a tree-pyramid where his family had existed for generations."

>> No.8980422

>>8980418
is he a volcano god? i sure hope so.

>> No.8980426

>>8980374
Is this a religious thing? I'm kind of intrigued.

>> No.8980431

The sky be screams and shouts. I be run from everything.

>>8973588
>>8973703
>>8974738
>>8976146
>>8976157

I would read these.

>> No.8980528

On the 15th of May, 2017, at 15:20, Andrew Walker had never time travelled. Not linearally speaking.

>> No.8980558

And I heard, as it were, the noise of engines. One of the four men said: "Come and see." And I saw.
And behold, a white car.

>> No.8980564

Ludvig sat and prayed. His eyes were closed and his hands held to the ancient altar to remind him where he was. Every morning he prayed, not because of some old family tradition, or under the command of the king. He did not pray for long lost relatives, or even because of any actual faith in any of the gods. He prayed for the same reason he believed everyone should pray.

He prayed, because someone might be listening.

>> No.8980608

She moved to Minnesota because it was as far as she could get from the sea.

>> No.8980617

Snooks Brooks stood underneath the decrepit old awning where the pigeons gathered, desperately deciding his next course of action.

>> No.8981043

Fucking hell this place is an utter shitstain.

>> No.8981087

I thought he had some form of originality, but damn do all of you here sound the same. I guess he was just a copy/paste fellow as I had concluded ages ago all along.

>> No.8981127

My mother has always told me that we should not judge a book by its cover and I have always followed this rule to the letter.

>> No.8982360

Bump.

>> No.8982465
File: 802 KB, 1688x2218, IMG_1128.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
8982465

Nobody tell you the thing you love most is going to be what kills you.

>> No.8982499

>>8980608
I appreciate the relative geographical accuracy of this one.

>> No.8982507

>>8982465
Eh

>> No.8982570

For her, the history didn't matter; the reason Arlington cemetery is so close to Foggy Bottom is to remind State, who is also CIA's landlord, that those markers are what happens when spies and diplomats fail.

>> No.8982588

>>8980528
don't play smart
>>8980558
I'm mildly interested
>>8980564
Ludvig sat and prayed, because someone might be listening. far more effective, you don't need the rest
>>8980608
boring
>>8980617
no one does anything desperately, not even Snooks Brooks. especially not zher
>>8981043
I agree. Or was that your sentence?

>> No.8982599

No two ships in the Terran Fleet are alike.

>> No.8982609

>>8978810
Nobody? I know the english isn't perfect, but try to spell out the original hear how it sounds

>> No.8982619

Like a trophy won for enduring that wretched day, she raised the full cup with her left hand, looking directly in the eyes of the person that was beside her.

>> No.8982622

>>8982599
I immediately demand to know why this prodigious waste of economic and manufacturing resources was allowed.

>> No.8982638

>>8973477
Vamonos doesn't have a tilde you fuck

>> No.8982668

>>8973136
I tripped and fell in the mud.

>> No.8982674

The light was failing.

>> No.8982675

>>8973136

Time travel itself really isn’t that complicated.

>> No.8982681

>>8982619
>Like a trophy won for enduring that wretched day, she raised the full cup with her left hand,
Good

>looking directly in the eyes of the person that was beside her.
Bad

>> No.8982688

>>8982638
>Vyamonos

It's all the rage in Barthelona.

>> No.8982704

>>8973136
(Translated)
He put both glasses, one aside the other, in his side of the table. Even if the waitress gave each of us one, he took both of them. I wasnt annoyed by that, he was the one who asked for them.

>> No.8982716

>>8973375
garbage

>> No.8982748

>>8982675
>Killing Moon plays

>> No.8982772

>>8982716
delet

>> No.8982802

>>8973375
Best one in the thread by far.

>> No.8982861

Daddy died today. I found him in the backyard, slit his wrists. Who kills themselves outside?

>> No.8982892

smelly feet good god let's eat

>> No.8982901

>>8973715
>>8974738
>>8976294
>>8980374
Best in thread

>> No.8982951

Is it a curse? No, it's only a history though perhaps it is the same thing.

Translated from romanian.

>> No.8983186

not there
look here faggot

>> No.8983193
File: 73 KB, 483x428, 1484597964502.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
8983193

>>8973136
>Luke, did I ever tell you about the Anal Cannon? The Anal Cannon is loaded when a funnel is placed into an asshole, and the 2nd whore pukes into it. After the ass is filled with puke, a cock then fucks it until the pressure is all built up. After the Asshole has been fucked hard enough, the cock is pulled out and the Anal cannon explodes! To top it all off, ass to mouth occurs, with both ladies licking off the fresh mix of vomit and ass for the ultimate anal dessert! They were good friends.

>> No.8983196

Luring in the stamina of the campaign, the willows only sifted through a small percentage of the stench of the open sewer main upwind of the conference hall. Many of the staunch citizens approached their seats with a grimace of disgust and a gush of vomit splashing against the back of their throats, wondering what they'll have to agree to that day just to keep their fingers inside. Little did they realize that their hair cuts were in vain, and it was simply an execution of an aboriginal at the expense of the high royal society of Lieught Scleoupo. There was much revulsion at the sight of the blood of the native, which always served to titillate the impressionable revolutionaries, who had so much to prove with so little power to do it, they typically backed down from dissenting parties on a rate of 30% after that, which is tweaked magnificently later on in life when stocks are established to their social security numbers.

>> No.8983271

Black smoke rose to the ash-barren sky.

>> No.8983283

>>8983271
what the fuck do you mean by ash-barren. Do you mean ash-laden?

because ash-barren just means there's no ash in it. "Black smoke rose to the ash-free sky."

>> No.8983284

The Cerulean-class cruiser Joyeuse slipped noiselessly out from the folds of space-time three-hundredths of a light year from Sol.

>> No.8983301

>>8983283
I think I fucked up the punctuation of the dash. It's meant to denote a color, not necessary ash itself.

>> No.8983303

>>8983284
>noiselessly
>in space
thanks for the redundancy, anon. trash it and start over again.

>> No.8983334

>>8983303
but muh aural simulators

>> No.8983340

>>8983334
no, anon. you have failed. no retconning.

>> No.8983370

Je pète furiously said the priest.

>> No.8983417

>>8983301
so, "ash grey sky"

>> No.8983421

Patrick opened his mouth to speak and caught a temporary portrait of himself in the bathroom mirror.

>> No.8983446

>>8983417
ty

>> No.8983517

Everything was going expertly according to plan when suddenly, bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
"No time for second thoughts, Lizzy, its only a matter of time before one of these bullets hits us rather than the air, and I bet these crooks have plenty of bullets in their guns so I'd say its about time we get out of here, NOW!". Said Francesco.
Francesco ejected a dangerous wink, from his muscular face, towards and into Lizzy's peripheral vision and Lizzy squinted here eyes in amusement.

>> No.8983576

>>8983340
fuck

>> No.8983599

Once there were four children whose names were Pablo, Susana, Eddy and Lucius. This story is about something that happened to them when they were sent away from London during the war because of the air-raids.

>> No.8983722

Half Rodger slept on his good side in the backseat while his very tired friend accidentally passed the last rest stop they'd see for forty miles.

>> No.8984638

Who are you?
-Me.

>> No.8985039

>>8973136
"Once upon a time in this one place"