Critique my poem? (or troll me relentlessly)

[Anonymous No.869385]

Well, what do you think of this poem?

The Paradox of Distance

What can be worse then when
I reach for your hand, grabbing at it, and it lies there lifelessly
I come near and you cringe away
subtly, slightly.
It is not a passionate denial
or an involuntary absence of the flesh
it is only a slow drifting away
a thousand times more terrible.

It is a horrid closeness; the closer we are,
the more it pains me. For we will bump together, and press together
- I weep as I say this -
-accidentally
not the michevious nudges of yore
or the almost magnetic drawing together
when we first met-
yet your body does not lean into mine
you skin does not call out to mine.
goosebump to goosebump.
the closer we are, the more of a mockery it is, the more of a contradiction.

The most heartbreaking sight:
fingers, hanging, seeming freakishly elongated in their unacustumed limpness
(no twirling and twinnnig and clenching)
me poking at them
as if trying to tranfer energy from the tips of my own into yours
and get them moving again
ane electric shock
a tickle of emotional static
have them react like they once did, suddenly, and curl around mine

Your body is suppose to act unconsciously -
You have exiled me from your heart, without even knowing it.

[Anonymous No.869396]

I thought he looked familiar.

[Shakespeare's Sister !uMRFid.bpQ No.869418]

>>You have exiled me from your heart.

[Anonymous No.869422]

Gay

[Anonymous No.869425]

> ane electric shock
> ane electric
> ane

But it's not bad, but my concern with this poem is lines like this:

>the closer we are, the more of a mockery it is, the more of a contradiction.

The exposing of rhetoric just pounds in the fact that the speakers troubled "love" so by the end of the second stanza I feel the rest of the redundant in replaying the same themes.

Especially when we come to the last couplet:

>Your body is suppose to act unconsciously -
You have exiled me from your heart, without even knowing it.

For me, it's too sentimental and encompassing of the whole poem. Some of your images and word play is interesting. I particularly like this line:

> fingers, hanging, seeming freakishly elongated in their unacustumed [sic] limpness

tl;dr...this is a heartbreak poem that runs too long without having multiple dimensions.