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2023-11: Warosu is now out of extended maintenance.

/lit/ - Literature

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856171 No.856171 [Reply] [Original]

A blue sun rose in the west breaking through the horizon and doused it's tiny gray world with light. Titan did not like this planet. It was depressing, too much gray in everything not enough color. The water, the plant things, the disgusting creatures, and even the damned heathens were a melancholy shade of gray. One thing he did enjoy was killing all of these gray things and he was always killing. He was bred and educated for it. He did not need to know of such complicated things as gravity and light manipulation or fusion engineering or politics or laws or respect or proper speech or reading and all of that boring bullshit. 'All this badass mother fucker needs to know is the quickest possible way to kill a foreign living organism in the time allotted.' A vicious smile slid onto his face as he thought pleasant things to himself. “MOVEMENT LEFT SIDE” said the voice screaming in his head. Titan swung his body to the left with his beloved Odin's Mark ZT84 already planted against his massive shoulder ready to end life and sure enough there was a pack of five heathens sprinting away, one looked back with pure horror in all three of its yellow eyes. 'Surely the heathens are going back for reinforcements to execute a counter attack to destroy me and my brothers!'

>> No.856172

He squeezed the trigger and sprayed the heathens with a shower of burning plasma. Titan watched the accurate blast arc in the air and descend upon the enemy. He always thought the look of discharged plasma was beautiful with all its blazing heat and raw radioactive energy causing his eyes to see weird colors and patterns when he stared directly at it. Three of filthy savages burst into flames as the spray descended on them screaming their little respiratory systems out, but they were quickly silenced as their vocal organs were melted through. The remaining two split up, one climbing up a rock the other running in a dead sprint across the gray sandy flat. Titan laughed at the pitiful savage skillfully climbing the rock and then said “Where is your black hole technology now, heathen! ” He then doused the organism with death and took off running towards the survivor.

>> No.856174

why does every story have to start with a sunrise

>> No.856176
File: 1.61 MB, 2112x1393, 1268899387765.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
856176

Titan screamed at his prey “Your legs are too short heathen, you cannot outrun this death!” He caught up to the frail gray aboriginal and punched it in the back of its head sending it sprawling to the ground. The thing tried to crawl away but Titan grabbed it by its leg and lifted it off the ground. “This is for Zeus's Bolt you black hole wielding bastard!” He then swung the thing by its leg and dashed it's head over a rock making it explode sending gray liquid and mush everywhere. He was still holding up the headless corpse by its leg as he reviewed the unnecessary physical damage he had just caused to the savage.
That smile came back to his face but there was nothing alive to be terrified by it.

>> No.856194

bump

>> No.856207

anyone want to read it?

>> No.856215

:{

>> No.856226

The words you use are annoying.

Why can't you write like a normal person?

>> No.856228

>>856226
normal is boring

>> No.856235

Learn what douse means, then rewrite everything without a thesaurus. If you aren't sure of the exact meaning of a word, don't use it. If you haven't seen a word used by at least three author well-respected authors in the same way you plan on using that word, don't use it.

>> No.856236
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856236

>>856228

>normal is boring

Granted. But your speech isn't any better. It's just annoying.

You're using a lot of words to say very little.

Where is it set? I can't see a thing.

>> No.856237

keep writing OP

>> No.856243

>A blue sun rose in the west breaking through the horizon and doused it's tiny gray world with light.
>it's
>it is
>A blue sun rose in the west breaking through the horizon and doused it is tiny gray world with light.

Perhaps you should try learning some elementary English before attempting to write, anon.

>> No.856254

>>856243
A common mistake. I bet even fucking Hemingway made this mistake often.

grammar nazis are fucking faggots

>> No.856256

>>856243
you are more of a fag than OP

>> No.856258

Is anyone else reminded of Amanda McKittrick Ros?

>> No.856260
File: 256 KB, 652x652, 1268978326630.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
856260

all i wanted to know is if you guys like it or not

forgive me for using doused in a forced tense

and forgive me for *its* you cocksucker

but did you somewhat enjoy what you were reading?

>> No.856261

>>856254

I'm not the grammar nazi.

But it is a mistake that will cost you. If a reader sees that, especially in the first sentence, then it'll kill their suspension of disbelief.

>> No.856267

>>856254

>I am an idiot, therefore Hemingway was also an idiot.

I don't think so, Tim.

>> No.856269

>>856260

Not at all for me.

It's a mess.

And I have no idea what it's about.

-Except that some asshole takes revenge on other assholes.

>> No.856274

>>856260
>but did you somewhat enjoy what you were reading?

No. In the future, review and rewrite your text SEVERAL times before showing to anyone.

>> No.856275
File: 47 KB, 1084x658, 1277876568011.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
856275

>>856267
>implying writers never make grammatical errors

>> No.856278

The symbolicism was pretty obvious. ''Titan did not like his planet'' = OP is angsty teen who doesn't like his life. ''Too much grey in everything'' = again, OP is depressed cunt. These things appear everywhere in the story.

Basically, you wrote a sci-fi story about how a depressed kid shoots up a lot of people because he's unsatisfied with his life. Columbine anyone?

Beyond that, the writing is shit. Keep writing though, get better, prove me wrong.

>> No.856288

This man is a soldier on the first front of a colonization of a planet. He literally learned the arts of warfare since birth and has been fed their propaganda for his entire waking life. He questions nothing even when his superiors tell him and his brothers that these semi intelligent beings caused the destruction of Zeus's bolt using black hole technology. (they make up a horrific occurrence every time they invade a new inhabited planet.) These things are savage dangerous creatures that need to be exterminated.

The reality is quite different. I'm just trying to show how a human being can be turned into a tool of death. :/

>> No.856290

>>856288

Yeah... Hur dur dur, society makes me unhappy, hur dur dur, fuckin sheeple, hur dur dur, PLEASE RATE ME /LIT/, ACKNOWLEDGE MY EXISTENCE.

>> No.856291

>>856278
i'm actually expressing how easy it is to create a human weapon

This man hates these things because of "black hole technology"
and apparently these lifeforms used said technology to destroy Zeus's Bolt

but is there any indication that these things are even remotely aggressive or dangerous?

You hate middle easterners because of 9/11
Titan hates these savages because of Zeus's bolt

>> No.856292

>>856288
>>856288

>I'm just trying to show how a human being can be turned into a tool of death. :/

No, that's not what you did. At all.

I even thought he was an alien.

>> No.856293

>>856290
it's funny because you thought i wrote about depression and ANGST

moron

>> No.856294

>>856292
maybe more detail on protagonist would solve that

>> No.856298

>>856293

I'm not that guy btw.

But you did write it about depression and angst.

>> No.856299

>>856291

>implying everyone hates middle easterners.

>> No.856301

>>856299
>most people do

>> No.856303

Just for clarity, I'm the guy who wrote:

>>856278
>>856290
>>856299

I shall henceforth tripfag.

>> No.856305

>>856301

I'm assuming that you are OP.

Do you hate them? Was that the point of this text?

>> No.856306

well apparently this failed

i'll be back with some more oc tomorrow and hopefully I'll enunciate the point more clearly like fucking aldous huxley

>> No.856310

>>856305
I don't but after 9/11 when the news broke about middle eastern terrorists based out of Afghanistan did you feel hate towards them?

I know you did. Everybody did it's only that the hate wore off the intelligent the quickest.

Hate is the most powerful tool to incite a war.

>> No.856311

Furthermore:

>all of that boring bullshit

If the narrator is not the main character using language likes this takes away from his credibility.

>> No.856315

>>856306

R u leik, pretending to be OP?

>> No.856318

>>856311
Your comments hold no ground after this break in rational thought
>Yeah... Hur dur dur, society makes me unhappy, hur dur dur, fuckin sheeple, hur dur dur, PLEASE RATE ME /LIT/, ACKNOWLEDGE MY EXISTENCE.

go read some ayn rand or something

>> No.856319

>>856310

I'm Irish. I don't give two shits about Muslims. Extremists are just trolls, and I don't feed trolls.

>> No.856323

>>856319
Yeah and next you're going to tell me you don't hate the British.

You know if you don't you're not a true Irishman. You might as well go move to Belfast and die with the rest of them.

>> No.856336

>>856318

Awww, don't get all pussyhurt OP. I'm just trying to help you be less like a whiny little bitch, and more like a kick-ass writer. It's all for love y'all.

>> No.856344

>>856336
now you placate me?

you're pathetic and haven't given me a shred of usable advice

useless twit

>> No.856345

>>856323

I don't hate the British. That doesn't mean I'm not Irish.

That just means that I'm enlightened.

And anyway, this isn't about me. This is about your simplistic hatred poured soullessly into a story.

>> No.856354

>>856345
an Irishman that doesn't hate the British doesn't make you fucking enlightened it makes you a liar

you have an underlying hate towards everything they stand for and you lie so you give the impression of proving me wrong

>> No.856356

>>856344

>> No.856361

>>856344

Actually, I'm one of the few in this thread who tried to give you decent advice. But everytime someone offers criticism, you get all aggressive & hostile.

>>856356

was a cock-up.

>> No.856364

>>856361


>The symbolicism was pretty obvious. ''Titan did not like his planet'' = OP is angsty teen who doesn't like his life. ''Too much grey in everything'' = again, OP is depressed cunt. These things appear everywhere in the story.

Basically, you wrote a sci-fi story about how a depressed kid shoots up a lot of people because he's unsatisfied with his life. Columbine anyone?

Beyond that, the writing is shit. Keep writing though, get better, prove me wrong.

Not help. Just some retarded viewpoint of the hastily written story.

>> No.856368

>>856354

Dude you're more angry than I thought. Shit. The troubles ended long ago buddy.

Can't I have an opinion, or does everyone have to be the same?

>> No.856373

>>856368
everyone is entitled to their own opinion

but you lie and you know it

if you hate a selected group the more likely you will be willing to destroy selected group

what's so wrong with that? anything? seems logical to me

>> No.856374

>>856364

>>856311

Useful criticism. Tadaa!

>> No.856377

>>856364

OP, any viewpoint is helpful to some extent.

You're too egotistical to be a writer if you can't understand that.

>> No.856382

>>856377
herp derp

>Basically, you wrote a sci-fi story about how a depressed kid shoots up a lot of people because he's unsatisfied with his life. Columbine anyone?

useful viewpoint? i think not

>> No.856383

By the way, your posts are just proving my diagnosis of you being an angry, angsty teen.

>> No.856388

>>856383
no you're proving how desperate im getting to get my point across

>> No.856392

>>856373

I don't hate the British. That bullshit was in the past. Things change, so stop being such a retard about a conflict that you don't even understand.

>if you hate a selected group the more likely you will be willing to destroy selected group

Yeah that's true. But at no point does that come up in your story.
>He was bred and educated for it.
The story wasn't a discursive about human nature. All it was was violence. Mindless violence.

>> No.856395

>>856382
>>856382
>wrote a sci-fi story about how a depressed kid shoots up a lot of people because he's unsatisfied with his life.

There's useful information in that you dumbass.

>> No.856397

>>856382

I, as a random reader, expressed what I thought this story was about, and I won't presume to be so unique that my point of view isn't shared at least by some. So yeah, useful audience feedback methinks.

>> No.856398

>>856392
I do understand that conflict and I understand that it wasn't that long ago that it ended.

You are so quick to forget the recent past.

Liar, you still hate.

>> No.856400

>>856392

Don't waste your breath. Or typing. OP is very unlikely to change his mind.

>> No.856406

>>856398
>wasn't that long ago that it ended.

It ended in 1998, with the Good Friday agreement.

Right now, the two sides work together in the Northern Irish Assembly.

It's over dude. Not everyone is a retard belligerent idiot. Some of us want peace. It's a good thing.

>> No.856415

I'm gonna listen to some Justin Bieber on vinyl. Peace out.