/lit/ - Literature

[lynch those !XIxc6BpKnU No.804676]

what do you guys think about this intro to a short story im writing.


In dreamland, any boundary can be overcome with the divine power of the
mind.
A place where nothingness contains something and something could be
anything, where anything contains nothing and nothing is the something
you have searched for all along.

I lay here a man, flesh. blood and guts organized into this supreme
vessel. Mind distanced from this mysterious vessel which carries it.
They say to me 'wake up, wake up already please dad.' but who they are I
do not know, sounds from an outward darkness deceiving and luring me
back into a world of insanity I wish not return. 'sir, you've been in an
accident. You have been blinded from the accident and you are paralyzed
from your neck down', there we go again... The voices from withing the
darkness filling my world with the the most peculiar tinge of self
abominating slander. I know I am not paralyzed for I can walk, run, fly
and swim unlike any others in my land.

[Anonymous No.804684]

I like where this is going

[lynch those !XIxc6BpKnU No.804705]

OP:

typo's are because i handwrite my work and am a very average typist. i will type the rest out now with few edits i have made to this intro.

[Anonymous No.804713]

George Christopher, age 45, father of two. A normal family man struck by a terrible tragedy; he has been in a terrible accident. He may never walk again.

But his mind has entered another realm. A realm where any boundary can be overcome with the divine power of the mind. A place where nothingness contains something and something could be anything, where anything contains nothing and nothing is the something you have searched for all along.

George Christopher has entered... the Twilight Zone.

[lynch those !XIxc6BpKnU No.804747]

OP here:
This is as far as i've got.
any advice, edit's or critique greatly appreciated (even if you choose to say its crap, then also greatly appreciated).

_____________________________________________

George Christopher, age 45, father of two. A normal family man struck by a terrible tragedy; he has been in a terrible accident. He may never walk again.

But his mind has entered another realm. A realm where any boundary can be overcome with the divine power of the mind. A place where nothingness contains something and something could be anything, where anything contains nothing and nothing is the something you have searched for all along.

George Christopher has entered... the Twilight Zone.

I lay here a peaceful man, flesh blood and guts organized into this supreme vessel. Mind distanced from this very mysterious creature of which it lies within. I hear the sounds like thunger, "Dad please wake up, it's me Billy. Dad please", who and where these sounds originate from i do not know, only sounds from an outer darkness deceiving and luring me back into a world of insanity, i wish not return. Again, the crackled sounds from an external realm boom through the skies, "Sir, you've been in an accident. If you can hear this please listen closely. You have been blinded and paralyzed from your neck down", These sounds from within the darkness filling my concious with the most peculiar tinge of self abominating slander, for i know i am not blind nor paralyzed as the beauty that lies beneath my feet is of an almost nauseating incomprehendable magnificence. I can walk, run, fly, swim and dive unlike any other of the beasts nesting in my land, why these unkown sounds instill fear inside of me was unkown, although they triggered something inside of me whenever they chose to intrude, an emotion or sense i was not yet familiar with.

[lynch those !XIxc6BpKnU No.804752]

OP again: continuation.
___________________________

Every day was a good day, overwhelmed with pure ecstasy as i floated mindlessly through snow capped mountains and deep crevasses of which were home to strange illuminating monstrous beings. I drifted easily through the atmosphere and landed softly upon a tower made of atmonic particles, silent as i stood still yet completely in control of every sense. It was as though i were living in a timeframe outside of myself, able to predict the very nature of my actions before the thought of the act controlled me. I stood still for a long time and conjured majestic beauties of ancient realms of an extensive hyper-reality which amused and fascinated me. I abruptly dove and broke free from the tower of which i named Life.

[lynch those !XIxc6BpKnU No.804761]

OP again:
i was also thinking for a twist to the story, possibly the concept of dreaming.

"i dreamed that i fell asleep and had a dream. I had a dream within a dream. i then woke up in my dream and reflected on the dream i'd had within my dream. i then woke up and reflected on the reflection of my dream within my dream."

OK, so possibly George Christopher wakes up and reflects upon the dream as an elderly man (this is the mad who has been dreaming). Then this elderly man wakes up and all of the story has been the dream of a young boy (8 years old or so), he then reflects upon the reflection of the dream, not able to understand anything, he simply forgets about it as it means nothing to him..

what you think?

[lynch those !XIxc6BpKnU No.804818]

bump

[Anonymous No.804840]

[lynch those !XIxc6BpKnU No.804853]

>>804840
have any actual intelligent critique or only capable of reaction shots when you most likely are not capable of any better assumed through lack of text?

[Anonymous No.804857]

picture is offensive

[Anonymous No.804883]

>>804853
>you most likely are not capable of any better assumed through lack of text?

[lynch those !XIxc6BpKnU No.805077]

bump, so nobody on here has any intelligent input?

[Anonymous No.805121]

>>805077

[Anonymous No.805116]

>>804853

[nosta !O97XJPHepU No.805137]

cool story, bro.

[Anonymous No.805158]

>>804853
Goddammit, what?

[Anonymous No.805182]

>>804853

[OP !2qYdimqiHs No.805199]

>>805158
OP knows all.

[Anonymous No.805825]

BUMP, interesting

[Anonymous No.805842]

>>805199
The first few paragraphs drew me in, but when you skipped time, I lost interest. You are drifting between active and passive speech too much. You go from past tense to present tense beginning with paragraph 4. Stay in past tense, and drop in a few extra paragraphs as to what events make the title character bite fingernails. Is it a word trigger, a situational trigger, or a desire for pain? Does the character nip, grind or tear the fingernail off or all of the above. Has the character tried growing out the fingernail? Does the character autophage? What do his closest associates think of this habit? You made it clear that he reviles the act, but does he hate himself for it? Are there personal benefits? Please expand and keep the narrative in either the past or present tense.

[Anonymous No.805855]

>>804676
Learn the difference between lay and lie, you motherfucks.

[Anonymous No.805859]

>>804853
>you most likely are not capable of any better assumed through lack of text?

[Anonymous No.805861]

If you set the spell check to also check for grammatical errors, it'll show you all the times you used passive voice.

[Anonymous No.805865]

>>805199
>Didn't capitalize first letter.
>Comma splice out the asshole.

I stopped reading about 10 words in.

[Anonymous No.806109]

>>805199
OP here:

That is not my work...
still looking for any constructive criticism and advice as to my short story.

[Anonymous No.807623]

It sounds forced. It doesn't flow. I think the author should try writing in his own language rather than trying to sound like someone else. I assume that the author doesn't read much contemporary fiction? I'd advise him to try to find his own _voice_ to write in.

Sorry, but the word choice just makes me cringe. Notice the use of "divine," "supreme vessel," etc.