[ 3 / biz / cgl / ck / diy / fa / ic / jp / lit / sci / vr / vt ] [ index / top / reports ] [ become a patron ] [ status ]
2023-11: Warosu is now out of extended maintenance.

/lit/ - Literature

View post   
File: 106 KB, 350x305, Wain_cat.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
7938353 No.7938353 [Reply] [Original]

Write an original, terrible opening line. The worst you can possibly come up with.

>> No.7938359

>>7938353
He was a small man, but with a big heart.

>> No.7938361

Dr. Pavel I'm CIA

>> No.7938362

>>7938359

He was a small man, but with a big dick.

>> No.7938368

>>7938353
WhooooOOoooOOOOooooOOOOoooaaa!!!

>> No.7938369

He woke up with the biggest smile on his face, but he had no idea what was in store for him today.

>> No.7938371

The man in black fled across the desert, and the gunslinger followed.

>> No.7938373

>>7938362

He was a small man, but with a big nose.

>> No.7938374

>>7938353
Big nigger, but the dick is short; skinny nigga, but the dick is long.

>> No.7938379

>>7938353
"I... I... sometismes I go on f-fourchan, senpai", she muttered, as he started stroking her thigh with his tentacles."

>> No.7938384
File: 482 KB, 1515x1024, robot angel.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
7938384

>>7938353
Ethan is an outcast from all the friends at the high school but nobody but him knew I have secrets powers and the burden I must carry, for all mankinds sake, Ethan was thinking to himself late one night polishing a katana, when suddenly, it happened!

>> No.7938386

No one must know my secret.

>> No.7938391

>>7938386

Go on...

>> No.7938392

>>7938371
fuck you m8, Dark Tower may be a meh series but that opening line is gold, GOLD I say

>> No.7938394
File: 9 KB, 264x191, image.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
7938394

A screaming comes across the sky.

>> No.7938399

>>7938362
>>7938394
>original

>> No.7938400

>>7938384
>Ethan
Why did you choose this name?

>> No.7938402

His black cock pulsated like the moon on a starless night, as he ripped open the silky sheath of the latin Janitor.

>> No.7938407

>>7938391
No, they wouldn't understand.

>> No.7938411

>>7938400
It's a fairly common and (in my mind) thematically neutral name for my generation and I wanted that '2000's fanfiction self-insert' feel

>> No.7938412

Delores, dank of my derp, dust of my lions, muh sin, muh soul, De-Lor-Es, the tip of the tongue dripping a drip of drei drips down the palate to the tip, at drei, on the drip. De. Lor. Es. She was Lor, plain Lor, in the morning on all 4s, in the daytime on 2, and in the evening on 3. The riper the berry, the sweeter the juice.

>> No.7938414

>>7938407

+1 LIKE.

I'm here to talk if you need. Praying for you.

>> No.7938427

This is the story of a lady, a sinner, a saint, and a damned good roulette player at that; in short, this is the story of the finest woman I ever knew: Mme. Yekaterina Odvyaslava Smellyaballs.

>> No.7938428

>>7938353
This African child hasn't eaten in three day: one like=one prayer.

>> No.7938433

>>7938427
8/10

>> No.7938438

>>7938353
All tragedy, all wrongdoing vanish in her vicinity - truly, all evil is cleansed in the presence of a Godess - so my stalking of Her was no sin, it was not vile, it was as pure as Her itself.

>> No.7938440
File: 145 KB, 809x1024, LeCriticalRussianMan.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
7938440

>>7938412

My shitposts are patball to your champion game.

>> No.7938445

>>7938359
When will they learn?

>> No.7938446

>>7938412
good except for

>dank of my derp

>> No.7938457
File: 205 KB, 1024x559, lowering_clouds.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
7938457

>mfw all of you post your real writing trying to get a
>(you) that actually isn't bad!

>> No.7938477

One day i awoke but oh no im bug!

>> No.7938496

Call me Ishmael

>> No.7938538

My mommy ded but I didn't even cry because im big boy.

>> No.7938542

>>7938353

His personal computer browsing history had been stolen just 30 minutes ago.

>> No.7938549

There was semen literally everywhere.

>> No.7938550

The man in the big blue house had a big red hatchet with a big yellow handle and a small green dot of paint on the hatchet and he called it rainbow.

>> No.7938555

>>7938411
good reason AND good dubs.

>> No.7938556

>>7938353
He knew when this story was doing being told he would never have another thing to say in his life.

>> No.7938559

Toot toot, little boy. Toot toot. The gravy train is coming, and soon it will be all over your cassock. All over your cassock, Max Storner: who was twenty years old, misunderstood by all, and the year was 2016 april the 18, and devilishly handsome. The train arrived, and it spilled down his frock. He awoke to the sound of bells... "this aint gonna be no day at the movies", he said, dejectedly. The gravy from his dream was nowhere to be seen, so he took a shower. A spook, he thought... Yes, that's all it was, just a spook. Well, off to go work at the metal factory. And his day officialy was on its feet and out the door. It was sunny outside, and the temperature.

>> No.7938560

The world's light had gone out and it was dark that day, but the memes were as epic as ever.

>> No.7938571

She breezed into my life like a gust of deadly nightshade and perfume, but dressed in a red cocktail dress and with lips to match; I'll always remember the shade because it was the same I saw splattered across her face in a morgue 1 year to this day.

>> No.7938578

>>7938559
Sounds like something Sarah Palin would write.

>> No.7938581

Let me tell you about my life, you might want to sit down, or, at least, find something to grab onto.

>> No.7938582
File: 65 KB, 597x450, 1460744683401.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
7938582

>>7938361
>mfw I realize that's actually the first line in the entire film

>> No.7938586

They don't sell cigs to underaged, so I ask bums to buy me some.

>> No.7938592

I'm smoking coke with my friend MegaAss.

>> No.7938594

>>7938581
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L_jWHffIx5E

>> No.7938599

>>7938353
You don't have to be gay to like a good dicking.

>> No.7938602

*ahem* *coughs* *clears throat* *coughs again* Diarrhea.

>> No.7938604

"The name's Checkum. Dubs Checkum. Secret agent spy of the 4chan personal army: anonymous batallion. My order? Well, I'll have a martini please. Shaken, not stirred. Oh, and a side of cheese pizza." The bombshell-behind-the-bar's delicate hooves quivered in sexual ecstasy, while our man eyed the cutie mark that poked out from between her equine breasts. "Oh, and a side of cheese pizza. Clop clop, if you know what I mean."

>> No.7938611

He was shitposting pretty hard; the standards had all been tried, but still he had no (you)s. He had been at it for 5 hours already but the day was still young.

>> No.7938649
File: 9 KB, 169x254, tips_fedora3.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
7938649

It all started one rainy morning. Muriel made a joke about the weather: god, my wife was a woman of Infinite Jest. Our children, Moby, Dick, and Ulysses were eating together at the breakfast table. They were so innocent now, but I dreaded the day when they would all grow up. I hoped they would never have to experience the world of Crime and Punishment. God forbid any of them should become a Stoner. But if you shelter you kids, they'll rebel, and you end up experiencing the Melancholy of Resistance. I guess that's just the Catch-22 of being a father. Our cat was sleeping in the little spot of sun that she always gravitated towards. The window made a little rainbow of light on top of her, so for those reasons, we called that spot Gravity's Rainbow. I knew that soon enough I would miss these days, but what can be done? Fathers are always In Search of Lost Time, and after all, The Metamorphosis of childhood is a peculiar experience. But I guess there's nothing I can do to help them: after all the longer you live your life for, The Stranger it gets...

>> No.7938653
File: 47 KB, 197x300, aquinas.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
7938653

"Onceapronatome the snake span out cry "boboabbabanirantarāndhakāritābabkskakkakasvindaakaaksaka", like the autumn blows to winter from the days of old Parnell and rekhāpasārita 1 2 3 4 5 6 of nora's farts did I sniff in that yesteryear beneath the mango trees."

Literally why the fuck would he open the Summa Theologica with that?

>> No.7938654

18650, the year, he spelled out in a puff of smoke so light only his lady could see from under the brim of her hat.

>> No.7938661

>>7938653
Autism, my friend.

>> No.7938673

Many years later as he faced the firing squad, Colonel Aureliano Buendía was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover ice.

>> No.7938676

The huge fat woman sat upon her toilet, and she shat into the bowl.

>> No.7938680

>>7938676
George..?

>> No.7938694

>>7938353

And then I shat my pants. Literally.

>> No.7938703

>>7938412
The original line is terrible in its own right. Would've been better posting that.

>> No.7938709

Once upon a time, it was a stormy night...

>> No.7938712
File: 163 KB, 700x609, 1460761190925.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
7938712

>>7938653

>> No.7938714

>>7938368
I laughed.

>> No.7938719

Hi my name is Craig and this is my book, please read and don't email me mean things and also if you see Mrs. McCrimmon please tell her to let me go back to classes.

>> No.7938764

"Sister Agatha looked up from flat on her back, on the mat, to see the five hundred pound, nude female sumo wrestler descending on her, and she was forced to admit to herself that the Pope had betrayed her."
- joe cosby, alt.slack

>> No.7938791

And then he said to Mabel, he said "and but so".

>> No.7938794

The first ray of light which illumines the gloom, and converts into a
dazzling brilliancy that obscurity in which the earlier history of the
public career of the immortal Pickwick would appear to be involved, is
derived from the perusal of the following entry in the Transactions of
the Pickwick Club, which the editor of these papers feels the highest
pleasure in laying before his readers, as a proof of the careful
attention, indefatigable assiduity, and nice discrimination, with which
his search among the multifarious documents confided to him has been
conducted.

>> No.7938832

The dragon pontificated on the folly of grain reform, which those lesser humans had long agitated for.

>> No.7938845

hit me in the mouth

>> No.7938967

The weather beaten trail wound ahead into the dust racked climes of the baren land which dominates large portions of the Norgolian empire.

>> No.7938981

"Howard Roark laughed."

>> No.7938999

>>7938967
>>7938832
These are both excellently shitty

>> No.7939000

>>7938353
Woman has no penis, whatever.

>> No.7939009

>>7938353
Call me cucksmahel

>> No.7939014

Call me monstrous verminous bug.

>> No.7939019
File: 605 KB, 512x588, 1460478262576.gif [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
7939019

>>7938371
lol

>> No.7939026

Hello, reader!

>> No.7939037

>>7938604
10/10, I actually laughed

>> No.7939038

>>7938353
Bismillah ir rahman

>> No.7939047

A poem from content in this thread:

Woman has no penis roar.
Whatever, and then I shat my pants.
There was literally semen everywhere.
This is the story of a lady, in short, call her Ishmael.
Toot toot, little boy, dank of my derp.
The riper the berry, the bigger his dick.
Awoken by Ethan, the gunslinger pulsated his cock.
Ebony, like a starless night.
All evil is cleansed in the presence of a damned good
roulette player, a saint, Smellyaballs, but that opening line
is GOLD. A scream hasn't eaten in the daytime on 2.
4chan is a champion game, personal to his metal factory.
The gravy from his personal computer wakes a bug.
Oh no! I am a big boy now. Mommy is vanishing
in the silky hatchet of the Latin sky.
They're smoking bum and Nora's farts in Anno Domini 18650.
But George? George. George! And Craig!
I will tell Mrs. McCrimmon about your dubs.
The shitpost brigade carries on.
The gay sell MegaAss, something to grab onto.

>> No.7939051

One morning, as Gregor Samsa was waking up from anxious dreams, he discovered that in bed he had been changed into Ishmael.

>> No.7939056

>>7939000
Big plastic dildo and so on.

>> No.7939070
File: 30 KB, 384x384, images (6).jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
7939070

>>7938703

>> No.7939073

Big train rolling down the line makes me wonder.

>> No.7939084

>>7938549
This one made me laugh. Unashamed

>> No.7939118

It was a dark and stormy night; a screaming came across the sky—bababadalgharaghtakamminarronnkonnbronntonnerronntuonnthunntrovarrhounawnskawntoohoohoordenenthurnuk. And but so Buck Mulligan came from the stair head bearing a bowl on which a mirror and a rocket lay crossed.

>> No.7939127

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a nigger in possession of a good fortune must have stolen it.

>> No.7939158

>>7938353
Though he was governor of Shrr'kala, capital of the Unending Empire, and therefore essentially omnipotent in its borders, Grillyn Darktower was uneasy.

>> No.7939187

Ketchup was only good when called Huntz.

>> No.7939211

When the dead moose floated into view the famished crew cheered – this had to mean land! – but Captain Walgrove, flinty-eyed and clear headed thanks to the starvation cleanse in progress, gave fateful orders to remain on the original course and await the appearance of a second and confirming moose.

>> No.7939220

WHAT'S GOOD NYUGGAH!

>> No.7939225

>>7939070
on yer bike flower boy

>> No.7939234

Nikole LeMysteria had never captivated my soul more than she did the night we went to Tracey's party to drink Cristal, listen to Kanye West's new album, and do the cocaine we stole from the kiddy drug dealers who lived in their parent's multi-million dollar house next door.

>> No.7939240

>>7939118

>dank memes

>> No.7939249

>>7939047

i'm taking time out of my day to tell you that this was a great read and I appreciate the effort

>> No.7939258
File: 568 KB, 240x291, 1337077240043.gif [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
7939258

>>7939220

>> No.7939273

>>7938353
It was a dark and stormy night; the wind howled and lightning flashed in the dark sky.

>> No.7939279

Hairy Gustavo whacked his gack

>> No.7939301

Wrothbard sund rumplestilt, hupmt grundle shit andbup kis.

>> No.7939313

From his face, I couldn't tell whether he wanted to fight me or fuck me, but I was definitely about to find out.

>> No.7939318
File: 1.63 MB, 360x270, image.gif [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
7939318

>>7938967
laff'd because this resembles my shitty writing

>> No.7939319

>>7938673
I want to read this book over and over

>> No.7939342

>>7938649
Applause

>> No.7939363

>>7938353
It was a dark, stormy night.

>> No.7939402

>>7938673
Fuck you. I commonly cite this as an example of a good first line of a novel.

>> No.7939410

I wanna fuck you hard on the sink

>> No.7939414

I am one of the few, proud persons in existence to get hit on the head with the blunt end of a halberd. You can't experience anything like that.

>> No.7939428

Sought after that which had been seen which could have been that can see was they that saw the glowing, luminous pearl-white throne.

>> No.7939567

Dawn was dank on the horizon when Aristootlys epiphany came on him: 'every man is every animal!' he gushed out: the climax of a long reading into two footed knowledge and the soul-like properties of the memes.

>> No.7939577

I am not sure how to describe my life.

>> No.7939582

The virgin day was spread out before him like butter on your mom's pussy.

>> No.7939651

The pungent taste of embalming fluid permeated my mouth as I softly traced her crevice with my tongue.

>> No.7939672

So you're probably wondering how I got here

*cuts to a baby crying*
*record scratch*
WOAH not that far back!

>> No.7939706

Who i am does not matter. What i did, that's the Question.

>> No.7939716

>>7938550
Don't you mean bear in the big blue house?

>> No.7939767

>>7938477
What book?

>> No.7939780

study ornithology

>> No.7939781

FIRST THINGS FIRST I'M THE REALEST

>> No.7939817

>>7938571
That's actually good pulp.

>> No.7939824

>>7939211
B-but I actually like this...

>> No.7939893

>>7938649
underrated post

>> No.7939933

>>7938353
There was so much shit in the toilet, even a shovel wouldn't do the job. How can I remove that amount of stuff from the toilet? This is my quest.

>> No.7939950

And this is where I will begin.

>> No.7939956

I am seated in an office, surrounded by heads and bodies.

>> No.7939971

>>7938353
I write not as a bagel but as a croissant waiting to be decorated as a bagel, for bagels see the lime light while I, though smooth and flavorful, am ignored.

>> No.7939979 [DELETED] 

Keith awoke blurry-eyed and foggy-brained, turned his aching body to over to find the other half of his bed vacant, and said, "Oh."

>> No.7939992

"I am sitting in an office, bearing a bowl of lather on which a mirror and razor lay crossed." -Wernher Von Braun

>> No.7940032

I'm Greg, a professional rationalist and amateur clopicionado.

>> No.7940035

>>7938353
Call me Ishmael.

>> No.7940042

I used my big sword to fight the men, game boxes flying everywhere because we were at Game Stop.

>> No.7940055

Every day Rob's IQ doubles, and his brain is a proteinous labyrinth of pure pwnage now with its score of 615,726,511,554,560, almost 42 trillion standard deviations from the mean, .

>> No.7940057

I wandered amidst phonies, how can they not see, the beatuy of Ponies, slaves crawled to work, thoose silly Loanies, in the citys yellow smog, like cheese Macaronis, come come, come forward, bid for recognition of a superior aura, i laff last, and tip my fedora

>> No.7940076

Dugin meme'd his way trough /lit/.

>> No.7940077 [DELETED] 

"The NSA has been watching you for a while," said the sunglasses-wearing man in a sociopathic baritone, but Spyke was unperturbed: "I doubt you could see through my illegally modified SHA-256 hash functions," he smirked, casually leaning back and pressing the button that would erase his browser history.

>> No.7940087

Aubryn Yukimoto, 8.5/10, decided it was time to stop being a cuntboy, and become instead a cunt man.

>> No.7940090

>>7938362
short nigga but my dick tall

>> No.7940197

Mike stared in disbelief as his hands fell off. From them rose millions of tiny maggots. Maggots? Maggots! Maggots... Maggots...

>> No.7940201

>>7938412
Greatest thing here

>> No.7940403

"I have aids." Stephanopoulos declared in the middle of Uni. I opened my mouth. Tyrone opened his mouth and something spilled out of his mouth. Something thick. Something black. Something penis.

>> No.7940411

>>7940403
Hands down the greatest worst opening I've ever read
Everything from the setting to the repetition of basic words
i would pay to read a book like this 2bh

>> No.7940413

OH SHIT, DROP THAT BEAT MUFUCKA, LET ME TELL U A STORY, NIGGA

>> No.7940416

For sale: baby shoes, never worn.

>> No.7940569

>>7938368
Why the fuck is this so funny?

>> No.7940576

>>7938368
/thread

>> No.7940598

"I'm sorry, I don't date guys shorter than me," I told him, mind on the face of my crush who I was over five inches taller than.

>> No.7940606

My whole life I've been a fraud

>> No.7940610

>>7938394
>>7938673
>this was a GOAT opening lines thread the whole time

>> No.7940613

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

>> No.7940616

It was easy to see that he was the most intelligent man in the world as he was writing the most brilliant opening line, it was gold, pure gold, this book would make him rich!

>> No.7940625

He crossed the street and was run over.

>> No.7940639 [DELETED] 

Fifty deep fried chocolate bars: this should be enough to kill Kobayashi, thought the Yakuza man.

>> No.7940644
File: 8 KB, 183x276, 1460952282572.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
7940644

Holy Roman Empire is neither Holy, nor Roman, nor an Empire.

>> No.7940653

"Garfieeeeeld!" yelled Jon.

>> No.7940661

>>7938368
it's supposed to be terrible not brilliant

>> No.7940664

President Sailor Moon took her place at the lectern, ready to give a rousing speech about Earth's future as it merged with the anime universe.

>> No.7940668

So I was tottering down Waggytail Avenue when I saw a shiiiiiny gem, nya >w0 .

>> No.7940669

>>7939118
I am in here.

>> No.7940674

"Knock knock," Someone knocked. Occupied I said.

>> No.7940680

Im Princess Candy and Im a real Magical girl because I got the memories of the Lunarieans that is in my blood and awoke them when I was about to be raped by a black football player but I got away from him, I live in a LARGE mansion/palace with lots of paintings and gold and it's in space, rotating around the sun like a planet, and I can teleport from there to Paris to do all the latest fashion shopping whenever I feel like it and I have lots of beautiful custom dresses made by my own special Goddess label which all cost millions of dollars each, but it doesn't matter because I have complete control over the world's economy.

>> No.7940681

>>7938353
What did he mean by this? -That was the question that started it all. If only I knew to shut down the machine I would have never walked the path that led me to this point.

>> No.7940695 [DELETED] 

"I'm afraid there's a non-zero chance you're in check, Dave," said the computer smarmily as a gun extended from the screen to point at my forehead.

>> No.7940715

"Hoooo, boy!" shouted Thomas Pynchon, 85, as he slid down the huge banister of his house for the third time that hour - he was very stoned, and ideas for novels were flooding his mind.

>> No.7940721

The sun rose like a fried egg's yolk over the green hill.

>> No.7940736

Vladimir Nabokov brooded in his study in Heaven, wondering why Shakespeare had not been returning his calls. Had he gone too far in calling Foster Wallace, their literary scene's newest darling, a bland upstart?.

>> No.7940742

>>7938649
Genius.

>> No.7940765

The fridge stared at me and I at it. Alas, like my father it was filled with nothing but disappointment.

>> No.7940773

>>7938368
What's new pussy cat

>> No.7940784

>>7940715
Big fat Fuck Knulligan had a bunch of razors that he cut himself with when he walked down some stairs.

>> No.7940792

>>7940715
kek'd

>> No.7940800

This wasn't the definining moment of my life (Polio was) but it was up there.

>> No.7940856

>>7940403
pure art

>> No.7940947

>>7938353
The sex doll said literally nothing

>> No.7941881

Doris peed angrily in response to my questions.

>> No.7941919

>>7938353
The alarm clock by my bed rang angrily and I, Adam Bumblebuttoms, awoke feeling very tired and not in the mood to get out of bed all day like i usually felt in the morning, being the lazy and unproductive type; I wished I could spend the day like I usually do, just browsing the internet and ignoring my best friend, Pally Pibberly, as he called my phone incessantly to hang out.

>> No.7941932

"That's some sunset," he said to nobody in particular.

>> No.7941934

>>7939211
>posting actually decent shit

fuck off

>> No.7941948

Dear God, I am fourteen years old.

>> No.7941963

When I pooped in my my own mouth, I know, it was and will be realllllllll.

>> No.7941964

Do these hands look small?

>> No.7941967

>>7941964
TAKE A LOOK AT THESE HANDS

>> No.7941969

>>7939000
I'd keep reading.

>> No.7941973

"Asriel," I said softly with tears in my eyes, "I'm here to save you from Chara."

>> No.7941983

But the snowflakes were so beautiful and real looking, and I really wanted to hold them.

>> No.7941990

>>7939956
Zing, got em

>> No.7942021

There once was a man was a man, his name was his name was Burt.

>> No.7942075

This might be the last time you read this, choco choo.

>> No.7942184

>>7939211
Stolen, entry from the Bulwer-Lytton competition for terrible openings. Don't bring that plagiarised pleb shit in here.

>> No.7942453

He was an avid #GamerGate supporter and science fiction writer.

>> No.7942668

>>7942021

i laughed really hard

>> No.7942684

The melted butter dripped off his dick onto my toast, but still I made up my mind not to tip.

>> No.7942692

"Aha! You thought I was a man!" only to unleash something that is neither a vagina nor a succulent, juicy cock.

>> No.7942711

Bitch slapped me across the face with a two millimeters long, penus shaped pickaxe. I fell to the ground one minute after the blow; what had happened? No one knew of it.

>> No.7942729

>>7938402
Noice

>> No.7942739

>>7938353
My cup was full and my mind empty, or maybe it was the other way around, after all the drinking.

>> No.7942993

I don't know why I put his dick in my ass. I just did.

>> No.7942999

She strutted into my office wearing a dress that clung to her like Saran Wrap to a sloppily butchered pork knuckle, bone and sinew jutting and lurching asymmetrically beneath its folds, the tightness exaggerating the granularity of the suet and causing what little palatable meat there was to sweat, its transparency the thief of imagination.

>> No.7943023

The sky was blue and so was she.

>> No.7943034

Despite his ego, which now lay smashed on the bar room floor, he grinned eagerly and began to dance.

>> No.7943041

Growing up, the only thing I hated more than my life was my father.

>> No.7943053

>>7943034
Pretty terrible.
>>7943023
Childish but not the worst possible.
>>7942993
Gold.
>>7942999
Worst possible, plus trips.

>> No.7943119

>>7938353
Once upon a summer happenstance Albert found himself sexually liberate by the forces of nature, in which he declared "The sun shines only for the glory of my magnificent balls."

>> No.7943120

>>7938353
Wow, she said incredulously, like a person who didn't believe what she was seeing, "wow I can't believe what I am seeing".

>> No.7943134

>>7938353
"Ha ha ha, yum yum in my tum tum" Fandango laughed as he took the tiniest sip out of his french dripped, cold steamed, sugar free, and energy infused caramel macchiato, which sit on the corner of his oblong writing davenport that he bought three years ago from an old Gypsy who was forced to liquidate her assess due to identity theft that she foresaw but ignored.

>> No.7943138

Fandango sucked my grandmother's dick, twice.

>> No.7943141

>>7938353
She entered the room wearing nothing but a full suit, and she poured so many layers of files over the desk that it looked like an archaeological dig sit.

>> No.7943151

>>7938353
She played the Skin flute, He played the bassoon, but neither of them could figure out how to change a tire, and yet somehow the power of love taught them each to over look each others difference and look deeper, into the similarities we all share in our hearts.

>> No.7943626

>>7938586
This is good.

>> No.7943692

>>7938353
She was pooping, but the scare made her stand up in haste and some of the poop fell down her leg and got stuck in her pants

>> No.7943834

>>7938353
He woke up.

>> No.7943926

>>7938353
In this moment we were golden, me; the kid and a smörgåsbord of (and I dare say they were delicious, delicate and disastrously nice) meatballs from -I presume- the IKEA down the road, behind that golden, red-bricked church where I used to get married with you.

>> No.7943955

>>7943151

thats actually good tho

>>7943834

terrible

>>7943926

good

>> No.7944050

>>7938649
Jesus Christ, really?
Fucking bravo.

>> No.7944053

He woke up in the middle of the field. He had no memory whatsoever.

>> No.7944054 [DELETED] 

Unclenching, he felt immeasurable relief at the released flood of camomile and fecal debris from deep within the bowels into the porcelain beneath.

>> No.7944063
File: 418 KB, 1280x1707, bunnybutt.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
7944063

Unclenching, he felt immeasurable relief at the released flood of camomile and fecal debris from deep within the pressured bowel into the porcelain bowl beneath.

>> No.7944068

Duncan sat down at his Dell XPS Laptop, opened Firefox version 22, and typed: boards.4chan.org/lit

>> No.7944070

"i am seated in an office, surrounded by heads and bodies. my posture is consciously congruent to the shape of my hard chair. this is a cold room in University Administration, wood-walled, Remington-hung, double-windowed against the November heat, insulated from Administrative sounds by the reception area outside, at which Uncle Charles, Mr. deLint and I were lately received
"
eh, monsieur, how much did you pay?? and no reunds?? vey, monsieur, vey!! orison the gods, monsieur, one of them or all of them-- i wish they vouchsafed you advice other than "show, not tell" monsieur.. for instance? ah yes, perhaps... "write, not writhe",,.. "prose, not pose"..

>> No.7944072

I bet you're wondering how the heck a guy like me ended up in a place like this

>> No.7944075

>>7938353
Last night I killed a man, or at least they say I did.

>> No.7944079

Last night I was killed by a man, or at least they say that I was.

>> No.7944083

Man, I was killed last night, or at least they say that I was.

>> No.7944088

Last night I watched a man get killed, or at least they say I did

>> No.7944089

>>7938353
>tfw most the intentionally terrible lines are better than most of the stuff in critique thread

>> No.7944097

Harvey Harvin harvests Hardee's hard dicks.

>> No.7944179

I'm going to try to make this book pomo as fuck so just bear with me.

>> No.7944533

My parents taught me to persue my dreams and I must admit, it has always been my dream to meme. So now that you know the theme of the scene, won't you now follow me into the memes of my dreams?

>> No.7944564

You wake up. You are in a damp, dark room. Your head hurts and you don't remember it yet but you are the president of the United States

>> No.7944591

Her eyes gleamed like the frothy saliva of a mangy, flea-ridden dog, and her angular jaw brought to mind a similarly-shaped heap of dead bodies, teeming with maggots.

>> No.7944606

There was an itch in the whorl of space, maddening unreachable incomprehensible, that spread in patches to our universe like a cancer, turning all in its wake to murderous automatons.

>> No.7944626

When I was promoted to our organization's most distinguished rank, my name, or at least the pseudonym I had been using for the past few centuries, was taken from me and replaced with a code and a number: O5-11.

>> No.7944800

My greatest fear is that after several millenia the tortures concocted by satan will bore me, and then he will leave and I will have no friends.

>> No.7944834

I'm too interesting to make up a bad opening line--deal with it.

>> No.7944922

>>7939158
>all those made up names
It makes me laugh and cringe since it reminds me of my writing when I was 14 and in my Lovecraft phase.
Good one.

>> No.7944984

"You like that huh, you little...-- slut," is what Slothrop said as a steady stream of his urine, wavering this way and that, was caught in the mouth of a hungry Leopold Bloom.

>> No.7945037

Bocchi bonbon bocchi bon, bocchi bonbon bocchi bon, bocchi bonbon bocchi bon, I'm outside cchibon bon bocchi bon, bocchi bonbon bocchi bon, bocchi bonbon bocchi bon, bocchi bonbon bocchi bon, it's lonely bocchi bonbon bocchi bon, bocchi bon bon bocchi bon, bocchi bon bon, bocchi bon bon bocchi bon, bocchi bon bon bocchi bon, where are you.

>> No.7945077

He was feeling so fucking sad after he ejaculated in the immaculate sinclearity of the toilet paper.

>> No.7945095

My asshole smells of shit

>> No.7945133

I fucked your mother, on that smooth summersday, and muzing of how dumb a fucks people forever are, we made our way to the gardenmaze of chocolate fantasies foreblowehng.

>> No.7945142

>>7944072

this one is fucking genius

>> No.7945337

Once upon a time... Wait... That's old, right? Lemme rephrase that: right in DEEZ NUTZ

>> No.7945351

>>7938353
The awful man's horrible fit hit my nice face.

>> No.7945745

We threw a banana in his entrance hall. That fucking pedophile needed a good signal...a meme signal.

>> No.7945755

I was speaking extinct languages with my online portuguese friends when my father came inside of my room.
"Clean my sperm, you faggot" he said.

Scent of rum and gin where all over the place.

>> No.7945758

"(sorry), I gotta get a haircut"-he said to the speaker phone as he stared with lust at the torso of one of the 8 nubian slaves who, diligently, trimmed his hair with incredibly sharp memes.

>> No.7945763

"I'm writer" he said.

The thread was so incredibly funny that I even forgot my virgin kissless condition. Yes, this is my story : I am Michael Hazelnut, "Big Mig" as my """""""friends"""""""" call me.

>> No.7945771

-WHERE IS PARTY? FESTAAA!!!
The gentile mexican would have never guessed that these words would be the starting point of his struggle against international communism.

>> No.7945779

I showed him a photo of Groucho Marx.

"It's Groucho Marx", he said.

He never talked to me again.

>> No.7945790

-Huh... you're making me question my own sexuality...-he whispered at the screen of his laptop. His breath smelled like communism and bananas.

>> No.7945795

Dear diary : Don't you just hate it when other people has more protagonism than you? I am so furious!

>> No.7945804

He flexed his muscles in front of the transvestite while he repeated his marks in Law again and again. He didn't stop when once he realized he was talking to the mirror.

>> No.7945814

"Taso is getting real fit u know? He can lift the whole USSR by now!"
I cried.

>> No.7945819

"Those surely were the worst showers of all Rhineland, weren't they?" he exclaimed.

Suddenly, he woke up covered in omelette. A turk happily shouted from the bathroom : they were stoned as fuck.

Our protagonist tried to understand the situation, but an irishman was fapping furiously at the sofa.


Amsterdam was too much to handle.

>> No.7945824 [DELETED] 

>>7938353
>be you

>> No.7945830

"Hahahahahahahahahhaha... what?"
When he woke up he found his arm covered in ketchup.
He was Tommy Pinecone.

>> No.7945831

The woman stated up at him, mourning the words that came to him in a flash like lightning but dissapitated just as quickly like those summer storms, the woman mouthed at him words which he understood gravely and shook him and changed him but went away just as quickly as they came and then the darkness reached him and he felt the cold prickling up his spine and he woke.

>> No.7945834

"Where is our inn?" asked Giusseppe, gallantly admiring the landscape.

"Isn't it this one?" said our protagonist, pointing to an old brick house.

Suddenly, the sky became dark as the night. Thunders started to sound in the distance. The atmosphere was terrorific. A very ugly man showed himself from the window up the inn and shouted some mysterious curses upon us.

The sky cleared.

"We should call this place the weed place" our protagonist said.

>> No.7945835

>>7945834
This is great though.
Got a young Frankenstein feel

>> No.7945836
File: 80 KB, 1020x1230, 1458762906256.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
7945836

>>7938353
>mfw tfw be me

>> No.7945837

>>7938353
Little did he know

>> No.7945873

>>7938353
His balls were going *slap* *slap* *slap* *slap*.

>> No.7945880

>>7938353
The end.

>> No.7945906
File: 8 KB, 256x197, imgres.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
7945906

>>7938649
i pulled out my nutsack, all the girls called the left oneThe Sorcerer's Stone. It really is disgusting, but we all have The Fault in Our Stars. Once the girls see my dick though, you could call it the hunger games. 2 of these girls were named Katy, sheesh, there sure was An Abundance of Kathrines. It was getting pretty hot here in Florida, sometime soon I should be Looking For Alaska.

>> No.7945929

>>7938649
nauseau desu

>> No.7945934

The loose soil slid from the shovel and rested softly on his face. What was planted that day was a seed of evil and unbeknownst to the undertaker, he was digging his own grave.

>> No.7945946

>>7938353

It was half past midnight and the third climax of the day was lazily rolling down my glands, but that wasn't the worst of it.

>> No.7945955

I know what you're thinking. "He's not gay!". But twenty dollars is twenty dollars.

>> No.7945988

>>7939026
META

>> No.7946001

>>7938353
Bitch pickle Jesus little dark spot nap class swan go way so and so whatever mirror window wood eager tough the endorsement ringing terror.

>> No.7946029

Skibbity-bop-bop a-skibbity-skoo, this story's gonna suck, but so will you!

>> No.7946040

>>7938353
"Humanity is a pathology" said the professor, smirking grimly as his students giggled at the apparent absurdity of his statement.

>> No.7946097

Isn't it fucked up how we all came out of some woman's vagina after living in her stomach for a year? And skeletons - ever thought about how crazy it is we have them inside us? Or rather, WE'RE inside them, as we're just brains, globs of fat that named themselves? Every star is actually a sun.

>> No.7946117

>>7943120
kek

>> No.7946122

>>7946097
And how about how everyone you know of was a dumb baby at some point -- even the president?! Don't get me started on dreaming. Writing is a technology and we've only had it for the past 5000 or so of our 195,000 years of existence (2.5%!) Some jellyfish are immortal.

>> No.7946133

>>7946122
Lobsters are immortal too.

>> No.7946156

>>7946133
What's more, we know less about our own ocean than we do the stars! Isn't that just bananas? Imagine what else might be down there, let alone billions of light years away! It's completely fucking insane! It's like God must have been HIGH or something when he made this world, if he existed I mean, which I doubt! You and your cat and the bacteria in your cat's gut are all distant cousins.

>> No.7946167

If you're reading this it's too late

>> No.7946202

>>7946156
I'm very interested about what lies beneath the universe. I believe that our universe might be a mass in a 4D space and we can't escape it with our current knowledge like if we reach the actual edge of the universe we would exit through the other side and keep going without even noticing anything. I'm probably wrong tough because I don't know shit about physics.

>> No.7946234

This is the night that I, Roger Kerowitz, finally accomplish my life-long dream of masturbating with habanero sauce while trying to saw my balls off with a fork. It took me fifteen fucking years to build up the courage for it, but now I know that I can do it.

>> No.7946385

It was a crazy, nervous incredible moment, but there i was.
Hi, my name is vinch chikims, and this is my story,

>> No.7946401

I suppose you're wondering how I came to be here, writing a sentence that you're now reading?

>> No.7946437

>>7939318
jack?

>> No.7946439

The following pages are without a drop of happiness: their contents are uniformly gruesome, pitiful, tragic and cheerless, and I recommend you close this book and read another one instead.

>> No.7946446

>>7946437
no and im offended

>> No.7946556

*alarm clock rings*

>> No.7946580

"It was a rainy night, water drops reflecting the city lights, falling like stars on a dry street, just like drops of water falling from my eyes on my dry (and empty) hands, still, it was a rainy night, and the storm wans't finish yet, it just had began..."

>> No.7946586

>>7946446
but

>>7939318
>my

i'm sure ur writing is fine lad

>> No.7946593

>>7946580
5,7/10

Not bad, but not good enough. Try again.

>> No.7946889

Hitler toked hard on the big bong on today his birthday 20th of April (4/20), in the lovely canopy of Heaven overlooking the gleaming universe, and went "aaah," as the weed gas entered his lungs: "maybe I should have given this to the jews"; we all laugh.

>> No.7946950

I went to the local market to buy some shoes for my baby.

>> No.7946953

>>7946889
i love it

>> No.7947003

>>7938353
A creamy white droplet of cum danced to the base of his veiny, chocolate cock, and he thought to himself, "Dam dis some Willy Wonka shit cuz, ayyyy."

>> No.7947006
File: 222 KB, 949x600, 1460526054319.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
7947006

>>7946889
kek'd/10

>> No.7947442

>>7938359
Bane?

>> No.7947499

>>7938353
It was a big challenge, a huge challenge, a dastardlily huge challenge, but we were unfazed, no part of the herd or hurdles fazed us, for we had a team of winners, who may not all have gotten acknowledged as winners, and further may have been subjected to this meanness at a higher level to the point of being flat out label something on the contrarian flipside of winners, and who may also have all been disacknowledeg as winners, but as a whole we were winners, for we a team, a teamly team, a team that were champions of teamwork, and always had each other backs, and our eyes on the prize, and took it one battle at a time, and so we sized up the challenge towering above us, and rose to the challenge, growing into a force to be reckoned with, a force that excelled at being a force, at exerting force in one unified direction, but cooperating and supporting each other in every direction, and so we grew to take on the challenge together, in unison, like a phalanx, but not just any plain old linear phalanx, but like a 4 dimensional phalanx, and if anything ever did faze any part of us, out unfazedness grew and grew, and so if the challenge ever seemed like an immovable object, our righteous phalanx rose like an unstoppable force, to tackle it, completely unfazed!

...

So... do I win?

>> No.7948094

I know you are not going to believe this story.

>> No.7948179

And so it began.

>> No.7948202

I will read this book. It sounds rad as hell.

>> No.7948295

>>7938559
This is a solid one.

>> No.7948308

It happened in a sordid hotel off the interstate in a dirty room with the blinds drawn.

>> No.7948338

The lift-off took Dip Chit, future famous astronaut, by surprise. During the countdown he had become distracted by worrying - "hmm did I remember to lock my wife's cage properly before leaving the house yesterday?"

>> No.7948339

>>7938353
nah

>> No.7948375
File: 267 KB, 496x508, tgC92.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
7948375

>>7948339
>OPENING lines

>> No.7948379

I am seated in an office, surrounded by heads and bodies, arms and legs, torsos, knees and shoulders, feet, fingers and toes, hair - lots of hair, eyes and ears, etc.

>> No.7948392

>>7944179
GOAT

>> No.7948410

This super crazy tale begins once upon a timely era of the utmost poignancy of a young man full of wonder much like the author, dear reader.

>> No.7948429

It is dead, so it said, 'twas my father's new bed, old worn slab with date that read it is dead, up this peak, hear my beck thus this poem told.

I then drew a thick breath at the height of this peak as I threw from this cold beck in a fellow swoop a jelly butterfly that at the pebbly shoulders did stop, a gush slur was at last propounded and another year had gone with a brown gift there mounded.

>> No.7948438

>>7944070
I feel and fear I might have read something like this, not this but akin to this line of thought.
>>7944179
pomo?

>>7944626
feels like a YA novel.

>> No.7948482

>>7945906
outstanding reply

>> No.7948486

>>7948379
>>7948410
Yes

>> No.7948515

I was in my room with the door closed listening to Yankee Hotel Foxtrot by Wilco with my Sennheiser 598 over-the-ear headphones (the Beats by Dre that my naive parents bought me collected dust on a shelf under a black and white shirtless poster of Morrissey looking wistfully to the left) when the fateful scratching came at the screen of my mostly open window.

>> No.7948892

Drifting aimlessly in space a million miles from home, our hero was in desperate need of a toilet.

>> No.7948922

>>7938411
Ethan detected.

>> No.7949234

>>7946385
You had me at "and this is my story."

>> No.7949251

Hey man, you got a cig? Trade you a story for it...

>> No.7949254

>>7940090
Underrated comment

>> No.7949258
File: 153 KB, 500x281, laugh5.gif [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
7949258

>>7938368

>> No.7949265

>>7949251
FUCK

>> No.7949462

I don't know what's worse about this morning: my infected sinus or the unknown vibrator in my asshole.

>> No.7949687

Be my little nut baby nut-baby ooh ooh baby. I'l nut in you till you scream and you'll scream till I nut, nut, nut all over your creamy white face covering it with my creamy white cum. You'll swallow it all, too, won't you? My little nut fuck. My little cumslut. I love you more than anyone has ever loved anyone, my darling girl with the semen dripping down her eyeballs. Your salivating pussy urges my enormous penis to ravage it, and I must say that I do not refuse the request. Darling, let me own you. Darling, let me ejaculate on you until you find a sense of purpose, until you find the meaning of life. Darling little cum girl. Daddy's little girl. My girl. Let me fill you up with my love.

>> No.7949689

>>7949251
Hnnng

>> No.7949696

>>7941948
why did i laugh

>> No.7951142

His face dribbled into your mouth.