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/lit/ - Literature

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758609 No.758609 [Reply] [Original]

The voices echo in my head. Conflicting stories and unfinished sentences that are stuttered and broken. My consciousness is fading, fading, fading into submissive hibernation. Nothing is wrong, nothing is right, all is up and down. Walk forward, sit up straight, inside voice, "Everything society has taught us can not co-exist with nature, creation", such a lie. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and it's burning out, the tunnel is ever longer and grace is fading, fading, fading... Red walls, red walls, red hands.

Critique, anyone?

>> No.758617

You talk like a fag and your shit's all retarded.

>> No.758623

...uh

>> No.758628

I like how it was completely minimalistic until
>"Everything society has taught us can not co-exist with nature, creation"
Then I lol'd.

>> No.758633

>>758617
>>758617
>>758617

>> No.758636

It's shitty.

>> No.758642

Did /lit/ get linked on fictionpress for Deviant Art's writing forum? Why would people ever ask for advice here?

>> No.758647

>>758617
If I were you I'd just.....you know.......you know.

>> No.758649

>>758617
>fag
FUCK YOU FUCKER I'M GAY

>> No.758660

Bump.
Any SERIOUS critique?

>> No.758672

Sounds like lyrics to a shitty emo song.

>> No.758676

>>758660
Its not good. If by serious critique you mean you'd like some praise, you're not going to find it here until you've written something worth reading. Everything you've said is cliche, everything you've written is angst-ridden. Repetition? That's a new one. Do you have any other literary techniques you'd like to abuse?

>> No.758679

>>758672
ugh
And why do you say that?

>> No.758680

This doesn't mean anything and is just cliched angsty ramblings of a teenager. Every male who survived high-school and felt smarter than everyone else wrote something very like this in their diary or blog on a bathroom stall wall somewhere. It's bad, completely uninteresting, and totally undeserving of comment. You shouldn't have posted it here.

>> No.758684

>>758680
It means EVERYTHING to me. You just don't understand.

>> No.758698

Bump! CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM PLEASE

>> No.758725

>>758698
"Constructive criticism" and "criticism I agree with" are not the same thing. We gave you criticism: this is a cliche-filled shitpile. Remove the cliches and it will suck, but at least it will suck in a different way.

>> No.758727

>>758684

actually he probably does understand which is why why he knows it is shitty.

>"Everything society has taught us can not co-exist with nature, creation"
is very bad and you should feel bad for writing it. other than that it just sounds the same as all the other angsty writings that people make at that stage in their lives. i see nothing in it that distinguishes itself from the mass of stuff out there.

>> No.758752

>>758727
OP here
I'll tell you why it's brilliant: because I'm a fucking genius. I've been reading Nabokov and Joyce since I was 11. I know more about literature at 18 than you ever will in your entire life.
This is more literary than the teen angst bullshit that's all over the internet, and you know it.

>> No.758756

>>758698
OP, your work is shit. It's clear
that you've no proper sense of style,
and when you lifted up your rear
and shit these words out with a smile
you wanted us to spurt out jism
and all consent to eat your shit
(that's what, 'CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM'?)
Fuck that, OP, we won't do it.

>> No.758770

>>758756
Fukken saved

>> No.758786

rgh
bump

>> No.758787

>>758752

Try harder.

>> No.758806

>>758609

Shit. No more. No less.

>> No.758807

>>758806
Why do you say that, though?

>> No.758813

Strange and paradoxical for the sake of being strange and paradoxical.

>> No.758815

doesn't sound rushed enough for what you're trying to accomplished, you reflected upon this for way too long; there's no spontaneity to it.

>> No.758825

>>758807
Not that guy, but it means nothing. It's pseudo-mystical, clunkily-written bullshit with no identifiable message - and no, we aren't missing the message because you're 2deep4uslol, we're missing the message because you're a shitty writer who thinks five-sentence mixed metaphors are a substitute for actual expression.

PROTIP: It's much, much harder to say what you mean than you think.

>> No.758828

>>758756

>> No.758832

>>758807
Cliche after cliche after cliche after cliche. It's lousy.

>> No.758830

>>758825
Man, fuck you. Maybe it IS too deep for you.

>> No.758839

Fine, I'll draw out a road map for you all. Can't believe I have to spoon feed it to you...

It's about confusion and and contradictions in mankind.

THERE.

>> No.758840

OP this is worthless out of context. You use a lot of abstract words like "society", "grace", and "submissive" and symbols like "red", "burning" etc. This kind of abstraction and symbolism is really only excusable if you've developed them otherwise they lack impact, and really, they lack meaning. This passage would be good the climax of a novel, but here it presents nothing stylistically interesting or substantial enough for it to have any worth other than "angsty rambling."

I'm not trying to berate you here, but legitimately trying to provide you with criticism. I know it's easy for sweeping idealogical revelations to seem self evident, but they're not. The reason things simple things like "existence before essence" and "God is dead" have such electricity is the hundreds of pages behind them.

>> No.758842

>>758840
Too deep for you too, clearly.

>> No.758843
File: 9 KB, 239x284, eddiemurphyreactionimage2.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
758843

>>758839
>contradictions in mankind.

oh god, I'm standing by, try to explain dem contwadicktions

>> No.758845

pseudo intellectual tripe. Maybe if it wasn't completely void of exposition it could be passable but holy fuck you sound like a teenage douchebag with an undeserved sense of self entitlement.

>> No.758846

>>758752
Analytic ability and creative ability are two different things.

>> No.758849

>>758807

Why not? To be clear, I'm just saying that because everyone is saying it in other words... Just to contribute to the giant group of stupid trolls that dedicate everyday here in /lit/ to show their skills in "constructive criticism" when all they can say is: "This is Bad", "Never writte again"... What a bunch of fools.

What can I say about the story OP post? Meh. I don't even know how to speak english properly (I read in spanish and I speak spanish) so i don't really care, it sounds quite good but it's not my area to make a critic about it.

/Literature/ has turned into a bunch of stupid pseudo intelectuals who think they can make a better piece of art or they can even writte a shot paragraph and make it sound interesting to our eyes.

But it seems today that it's a rule to come here and start saying bullshit to the people that ask for a proper critic and not just a "Go away this is garbage"...

I'm not OP and I never post my things here (I don't even write in english) But seeing this just makes me rage.

(Sorry for my bad english)

>> No.758852

>>758846
No they're not.

>>758845
Fuck you, I'm a genius.
When I was younger I would read from my older brother's college texts. Whenever I found a word I couldn't berate, I would peruse a dictionary and learn its definition.

>> No.758857

>>758839
>>758830
OP, you're repeating a pattern I see all the time in threads like this.

1. OP posts a paragraph of shit symbolism and metaphor.
2. Anon tells OP it's shit symbolism and metaphor, and that OP is being unclear.
3. OP says "GUYS BECAUSE I ACTUALLY HAD A MESSAGE WHILE I WAS WRITING THIS YOU ARE ALL STUPID AND I AM FAR TOO DEEP FOR YOU."

HERE IS A FUCKING TIP FOR YOU, YOU FUCKING ARROGANT SELF-CENTRED ILLITERATE FUCK. IF TWENTY DIFFERENT READERS DO NOT UNDERSTAND YOU, IT IS YOUR FAULT. Not our fault for being too slow to follow your genius, your fault for not communicating your message well enough.

I can't believe that I had to spell this out for you.

>> No.758860
File: 12 KB, 280x237, eddiemurphyreactionimage9.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
758860

>>758852
>Fuck you, I'm a genius.
>When I was younger I would read from my older brother's college texts. Whenever I found a word I couldn't berate, I would peruse a dictionary and learn its definition.

>> No.758861
File: 99 KB, 392x300, cool face.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
758861

>>758857

>> No.758863

>>758852
>berate
Alright, we're all being trolled.

>> No.758865

>>758860
>>758843
Fuck you, why do you have so many Eddie Murphy pictures?

>> No.758870
File: 13 KB, 180x202, eddiemurphyreactionimage70.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
758870

>>758865
why not

>> No.758872

>>758863
I'm not a troll. I'm a rising literary star.
Also, I've been working on a novel.

>> No.758880

A real genius wouldn't get so defensive.

>> No.758881

>homework requests lessen
>critique requests increase
>summer /lit/

>> No.758884

>>758863
That, and...
>big dog.jpg
>I'm a genius!
>not accepting constructive criticism

>> No.758890

>>758660
These are serious critiques. This is the /lit/ board, sir. Your work is shit.

>> No.758899

FUCK YOU ALL
YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND MY GENIUS
I'M GONNA BE BIGGER AND BETTER THAN DOESTOVSKY, NABOKOV, PYNCHON, SHAKESPEARE, ALL THOSE FUCKERS!!!
JUST YOU WAIT
I'M A FUCKING GENIUS

>> No.758900

>>758845

Agree.

>>758609

Tell people that it's poetry. It's your only hope.

>> No.758935

ARGH
ANGRY BUMP

>> No.758941
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758941

I'm the one from >>758849 and:

>>758872

>rising literary star

Does that makes you a genius? No... That makes you an arrogant idiot who have a lego brick in his head beside of a brain. An idiot who likes to come here and post his plot/work... Come on you fucking piece of shit troll. Go away. You are nothing less than a pretentious faggot who argues about his "massive" inteligence, trust me there are LOTS of people like you out there. Now read carefuly:

YOU are not unique.
YOU are not revolutionary.
YOU are a simply person with shit ego and shit ideals.
And, to finish this absurd thing, please stop making that novel, we are enought of shit literature this days, I bet your work can be compared to a rock, a piece of garbage and a Twilight book.

Go away 'Mr. Genius'.

And, to be clear, I'm writting 4 novels: I already finished three. Fucking idiot.

>> No.758947

>>758941
U MAD (that I'm a better writer than you?)

>> No.758961
File: 20 KB, 400x300, IAINTEVENMAD.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
758961

>>758947

>> No.758962

>>758947
LOL I TROL U

>> No.758966
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758966

>>758962
>>758947

>> No.758978

This is the best thread