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/lit/ - Literature

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734984 No.734984 [Reply] [Original]

So I just wrote something. Could you please give opinions and constructive criticism?
The serene quiet smothers everything in this never ending blackness. Out here in the nothingness time is the only testament to what is and what could be but you know what, I want to be something bigger than time bigger than the gods bigger than this reality out here I want to be the end all be all, but I'm just the same as the stars I have a time limit to which to do what is needed to be done and I can hear the tickings of the eternal clock approaching the definite end. I want to wind it back and start anew and appear somewhere down the time line and reap havoc on the generation that births me, maybe that's exactly what I'm doing now. I wish I could know. I wish I could know.

>> No.734987

The masked drones opened the time seal with precision with their plasma torches and released a torrent of century old air that flowed out in a pink smoke. Thomas stood against the cold steel wall fidgeting at his cracked specs with new found vigor as he watched the cracking of the timeless tomb. The drones waited a few seconds before opening the gilded lid. As the pink fog cleared it revealed a pale dark haired man slumbering peacefully with his arms crossed like an ancient pharaoh.

>> No.734991

Thomas got up from the wall and peered down at the living relic. His eyes scavenged up and down searching for flaws or deformities but found none. He was surprised at how little humans have changed over six hundred years. This was indeed a pristine find.

Take him out and wake him up. Come get me when he's conscious

>> No.734995

The man awoke screaming and flailing, he cracked a drone across the face with his fist and it's air purification mask shattered sending glass and black plasma across the plastic floor. A high pitched alarm sounded and quickly the man was surrounded by a dozen drones, held down, and injected with a calming agent. The drone with the shattered mask had fallen to the floor and was wheezing and clawing at it's throat in panic. One drone without emotion or hesitation calmly walked over to it's fallen brethren and stuck a syringe full with a rust colored liquid in it's temple. The maimed drone's large red pupils flipped to the inside of it's skull and the body went limp. Then the body was quickly removed from the room by being dragged by it's feet. The man was watching this in horror and wanted to scream but the agent that was coursing through his body had paralyzed everything save for his eyes.

>> No.735002
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735002

This reminds me to...

Pic related.

>> No.735004

>>734984
The sentences are way too long. I recommend trying to be as terse as possible without being fragmentary or jarring, just as an exercise.

>> No.735011

>>735004

Not OP.

But ¿It's this so important? What are your thoughts on long phrases/sentences.

>> No.735036

bump?

>> No.735041

Look, it's just awful. You're not going to listen and you're not going to care, because all young writers secretly think that they are hot shit.

After, say, 20 years of practice, you'll merely be "kinda bad".

>> No.735042

>>735036

Hell yea! Bump. This guy deserves some critisism. Come on /lit/ Show what you can do!

>> No.735045

>>734984
>>The serene quiet
The quiet quiet?

>>reap havoc
Wreak havoc. Besides that, try not to use that kind of set phrase. Watch what you're writing and be suspicious of phrases that come out automatically.

>>734991
>>pristine
Literary words don't really go in dialogue or thought, unless the character is a self-consciously arty type.

>>734987
>>with precision with their plasma torches
Avoid using the same preposition twice for different purposes in the same sentence.

Also, learn the difference between it's and its.

>> No.735052

>>735045
ty

>> No.735073
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735073

need maor people to tear what i wrote up so i can rebuild it.

i will post cool ass pictures

>> No.735077
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735077

>> No.735079

>>735073
Please don't post pictures. Your writing is bad. Take the criticism you've already had and rework this.

>> No.735084
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735084

>> No.735088

>>735073

Do it yourself, idiot.

>> No.735091
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735091

>>735079
God you nigs are boring


No wonder this place is so dead

>> No.735100

>>735091

If you spent as much time writing as you did posting butthurt on /lit/, you would have enjoyed a better reception.

>> No.735097

>>735073
Why don't you tear apart your own work in a process writer's call "editing." It should be done before you post something on /lit/.

>> No.735109
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735109

>>735097
what the fuck have you posted on this board you snotty cunt? Probably something terrible as well.

I came here after writing this using stream of consciousness and I wanted opinions.

So suck my dick.

>> No.735121

>>735100
lol you're a tripfag

nobody gives a shit what you think you egotistical fuck.

Of course this nigger right here needs an identity on an anonymous board. Having a name amongst a sea of faces most likely gives you hard on.

Because in real life you are just one of those faces without a name worth remembering.

>> No.735124

>>735109
So...you posted here wanting a high-five and not criticism? Wrong place. Go to deviant-art.

>> No.735127

>>735124
No I appreciate the criticism, but I can go without someone telling me how to spend my free time.

It's unnecessary.

>> No.735132

>>735011
The longer it is, the more difficult to digest - perhaps this is particularly the case in English, since it has so little inflection.

Long sentences are more tolerable when they're not larded with adjectives, poorly punctuated and full of multiple clauses, like the "Out here in the nothingness" sentence. Jesus, that one was a pain.

>> No.735143

>>735121

>nobody gives a shit what you think

Charming, but you disproved yourself by giving enough of a shit to address me with your butthurt.

>> No.735160

>>735127
>I can go without someone telling me how to spend my free time.
If you want to write you should learn to edit. Word-vomiting into a post on /lit/ is a waste of our time and yours. You will get criticism of problems you could have fixed on your own. Every grammar mistake, spelling mistake, and obvious idiotic sentence that you would have removed if you had taken ten minutes to edit yourself will derail the thread.

If you want real criticism, post something that you put some effort into. /lit/ isn't your diary, asshole.

>> No.735164

>>735109
>>735121
Indignance won't win you any favour, you know. You asked for criticism, you shouldn't be surprised that it wasn't all constructive.

>> No.735177
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735177

>>735160

HRNGGGGGGGGGGGG

>> No.735205

>>735109
>stream of consciousness
Stream of consciousness isn't "I post random thoughts from my sub-normal brain onto the internet." Learn to spell, use grammar, and proof-read. Learn to write something interesting before you expect us to take an interest in it. Learn to handle criticism without throwing a temper tantrum. Don't post any of your moronic brain-melting child's prose again.

>> No.735909

Bump for some constructive criticism

>> No.735915

This shit made me laugh.

>> No.735958

Miserable attempt, OP. Try again, but don't post it here plz. You're that bad.

>> No.736047

Bump for constructive...

>> No.736119

Shit. Op. Just shit.

By the way. Bumb for more criticism

>> No.736148

Nice criticism. I loved it.

More. Bump for criticism.

>> No.736293

>Out here in the nothingness time is the only testament to what is and what could be but you know what, I want to be something bigger than time bigger than the gods bigger than this reality out here I want to be the end all be all, but I'm just the same as the stars I have a time limit to which to do what is needed to be done and I can hear the tickings of the eternal clock approaching the definite end.
Did you lose the "period" key on your keyboard? It's on the same button as ">" in case you can't find it.

>> No.737084

bump for hilarity