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/lit/ - Literature

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734025 No.734025 [Reply] [Original]

Yes /lit/, once again it is time for a shitty writer to post his shitty work online, in the hope that you can help him make it less shitty.

>> No.734031

Just post it to the zine.
Let the people who want to read user-generated content reader. Don't subject the rest of us to it.

>> No.734043

>>734031
this guy can shut the fuck up

post

>> No.734084

>>734025

Post your shitty work. I'll give my opinion.

>> No.734086

The citizens of Sanctuary had just seen something incredibly interesting. They'd been seated in the mess, tucking into what the canteen generously described as breakfast, when a man had materialized from apparent nothingness, landing with a crash amongst the plastic tables.
The man, who'd introduced himself as Jason, was now under close scrutiny.
After all, it wasn't everyday that a human popped spontaneously into existence, and everyone assumed that he'd have a decent explanation.
Unfortunately, Jason's mind seemed to be on other things.

'Oh, sorry to bother you' he said, waving cheerfully. 'But I don't suppose anybody's seen a cat around here?'

>> No.734099

>>734086
Trying to write like Joseph Heller.
Failing to write like Joseph Heller.

>> No.734103
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734103

>>734086

>> No.734106

>>734031

There's a zine? Where?

>> No.734116

>>734106
http://zwg.wildwestwaffles.com/

Now, away with you!

>> No.734119

>>734086

>>it wasn't everyday that a human popped spontaneously into existence
>>implying that other things DID pop suddenly into existence?

>> No.734127

>>734099
>>734103

Be nice, publishing your work makes you vulnerable and you shouldn't trash someone just cause you're bored.

>> No.734138

>>734127

Though this is a valid point, I would contend that the reson im trashing it is not because im bored. more because I remember when I used to do this kind of thing.

>>read good book
>>read more by same author
>>try to mimic style
>> Isuckatlife.jpg

>> No.734181

self bump.

Let's get some criticism in here.

>> No.734186

>>734086

>>incredibly interesting

...

>> No.734193

>>734181
To be honest?
I really dislike it. I'm sorry, but everything about it is infuriating to me - the setting, the ''clever little phrases'', the attempts at humour, the dialogue - it all really annoys me and I would appreciate if you didn't take this personally but just changed your writing style completely, changed your name and apoligised to me.

>> No.734219

>>734086

What bugs me is that when you move into direct speech, he acts as if he's speaking for the first time, even though he's already for some reason introduced himself.

>> No.734236

Ok good. keep the comments coming.

>> No.734240

On top of that, you seem conflicted into what sort of mood you want to be going for in the text.
Jason's demeanour and the casual narrative would seem to suggest you're going for a light understated British-humour type feel, but in that case you're not doing it enough and with the impersonal nature of some of the other phrases, it feels more like something you've just stuck in rather than something you're genuinely going with.

>> No.734244

>tucking into what the canteen generously described as breakfast

Cut that phrase right out.

>> No.734258

>>734086

Break up those sentences, bro.

And don't explain so much! We don't need to know that what's going on is strange. Just show us their looks of shock and awe at the stranger bursting in.

I suggest you learn to appeal to the senses as well. Describe the tastes, smells, and sounds going on in more detail. You got the sound and sights down, but it still feels clinical and sterile.

/2 cents

>> No.734267

>>734258
>You got the sound down
>Only sound reference "landing with a crash"

I'm criticising your criticism.

>> No.734270
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734270

>>734267
Y-you mean...
META-CRITA?

>> No.734291

>>734267

I give him points for remembering that, at least.

>> No.734301

>>734086

It might be that it is past midnight, but I actually liked it.

>> No.734415

>>734086

Its kind of difficult to rate this thing. I mean we don't even know how it fits with the rest of the plot. Like the fucks he lookin for a cat for? plus, why was there a crash? are we supposed to assume that he appeared 5 feet off the ground, or is there a secret gunshot noise you just didn't bother to mention

see >>734267

>> No.734422

>>734415

It's also hella short.

I can't rightly make judgments about such a short piece of story. That isn't even a story, it's a fucking overgrown paragraph.

>> No.734429

>>734422

agreed. come back with something worthwhile, OP.
...or dont come back at all.
Either one is fine with me.

>> No.734432

>>734429

>COME BACK WITH YOUR SHIELD, OR UPON IT.