/lit/ - Literature

[Anonymous No.7338895]

Hey /lit/, I'm going through the process of writing a short story with the aim of meticulously planning each paragraph instead of just free writing as I normally do. I thought it would be cool to include you in this process.

The story I'm writing revolves around two men who survive a plane crash and are stuck on an island. One is a renowed biologist and religious critic and the other is a holy man, they were on their way to a conference when the plane crashed.

My first scene is therefore of these two men dragging themselves up off the beach and starting a conversation about what happened.

Looking at the first couple of sentences I can either use the perspective of:
-omnipresent narrator who shows the two men washing up on the beach as though we're watching from high up
-the perspective of one of the men who then sees the other one

Both of these perspectives have their merit. The first helps me start to build this allegory of a higher power, the second introduces the conflict of the characters. Which do you prefer and why?

[Anonymous No.7338921]

>>7338895
>meticulously planning each paragraph
okay, unless the letters of each word and sentence are spelling something out, don't do that

[Anonymous No.7338924]

>>7338895
So you mean properly?

[Anonymous No.7338982]

Here are an example (roughly) of the two sort of paragraphs I could begin with.

>The island rose steeply from the sea into dense forest and beyond the trees was a jagged hillside which formed into a peak. There were sharp rocks encircling the island save for a small inlet with a smooth beach which gently sloped down into the clear waters and in the distance there was another ring of rocks which kept the ferocious ocean at bay. In the waves gently making their way towards the beach were two limp bundles of clothing which, upon getting nearer to the shore, began to awkwardly propel themselves towards the sand and threw themselves upon it.

>The first thing the man felt was a bitter salt taste in his mouth and the calming sensation of rocking gently from side to side. He felt his clothes had become uncomfortable and ballooned with air and then a wave came over his face and very suddenly he realised that he was in water. He thrashed to recover upright so quickly that he almost drowned and the water went in his eyes and stung them and he gasped for air at the surface. Tearing his unwieldy jacket off, the man swam towards the first thing he saw which was the smooth beach of the island.

Upon reading these two, I much prefer the first. Bearing in mind my story which is going to focus on the relationship of people with religion I prefer the idea that we see the people first as inanimate objects and then they surprise us with their own movement and desire to live. We've also set the scene by showing that the island is both small and isolated, but also protected; a kind of safe haven or purgatorium. I'll come back to revising the paragraph later but now we can continue.

Our next paragraph is going to be about one of the men seeing the other and siezing the iniative. I want this to be our morally-driven holy man. Then the conversation is going to break down who the characters are and how they got there.

[Anonymous No.7339043]

>>7338982
In retrospect I like the part in the second paragraph which is like a person suddenly being born to life in the womb. I will therefore try to incorporate this in the next paragraph as it fits nicely with the idea of man being thrust into existence rather painfully.

>One of the figures lay there for a moment before a wave came over his face and he thrashed wildly at the water and crawled up the sand. The salt-water was bitter in his mouth and his eyes were stinging. He stumbled to his feet. The sea wind blew spray in his face and there was hardly any sound except for the breaking of the waves on the shore. He turned and saw the other man lying on the sand, and he immediately shouted and ran towards him and helped him onto his feet. The second man was a lot more shaken than the first, and looked around himself in fright at the stranger and the sea in front of them.

This will do for now. I'm not aiming at perfection, just getting the basis of the paragraphs together. The next paragraph will form their first conversation, which will obviously answer some questions of what happened while posing others.

[Anonymous No.7339081]

>>7338982
On second thought I like the idea of the characters waking up violently in the water. It invokes the theme of childbirth and our violent thrust into the world. I try to incorporate this into my next paragraph.

>One of the figures lay there for a moment before a wave came over his face and he thrashed wildly at the water and crawled up the sand. The salt-water was bitter in his mouth and his eyes were stinging. He stumbled to his feet. The sea wind blew spray in his face and there was hardly any sound except for the breaking of the waves on the shore. He turned and saw the other man lying on the sand, and he immediately shouted and ran towards him and helped him onto his feet. The second man was a lot more shaken than the first, and looked around himself in fright at the stranger and the sea in front of them.

[Anonymous No.7339091]

>>7339081
Here is my next paragraph. The question which needs to be answered at this point is what happened for these men to appear here?

I try to keep the conversation brief and realistic as two people in shock trying to ask each other simple questions. I answer the question of what happened (a crash) but offer another important question - who are these two people? This will be answered in the next paragraph which will also be conversational.

>>‘Are you alright, are you injured?’ he asked. The other man shook his head in part disbelief. He waited a moment to let him catch his breath.
‘Did you see anybody else?’ he asked him.
‘Nobody. I remember hitting the water and then I think I was unconscious.’ the man replied. ‘Everything was dark.’
He patted his shoulder to try to offer some solace to the man. ‘Well, thank God somebody else made it man.’ he said to the stranger.

[Anonymous No.7339093]

why make them "wake up" on the beach together? let them randomly meet inland for drama.
you can still follow only one guy in 3rd person like you planned in first paragraph.

[Anonymous No.7339100]

>>7339093
I thought about that, but in a wider allegorical sense it makes less sense. We aren't thrust into the world alone, rather we are thrust into it together with others and we try to make sense of the world together. There's also a time span issue. If the plane crashed you'd expect people to wash up at the same sort of time, not to drift for hours.

[Anonymous No.7339114]

>>7339081
Here is my next paragraph. The question which needs to be answered at this point is what happened for these men to appear here?

I try to keep the conversation brief and realistic as two people in shock trying to ask each other simple questions. I answer the question of what happened (a crash) but offer another important question - who are these two people? This will be answered in the next paragraph which will also be conversational.

>‘Are you alright, are you injured?’ he asked. >The other man shook his head in part disbelief. He waited a moment to let him catch his breath.
>‘Did you see anybody else?’ he asked him.
>‘Nobody. I remember hitting the water and then I think I was unconscious.’ the man replied. ‘Everything was dark.’
>He patted his shoulder to try to offer some solace to the stranger. ‘Well, thank God somebody else made it man.’ he said to him, and smiled.

>>7339100
Another reason is to start the conversation straight away. Starting with one character is biased towards that character and makes the other seem like a antagonist. This way there is a conversation at the beginning starting the conflict.

[Anonymous No.7339169]

>>7339114
This paragraph doesn't feel right yet, but its a start. I wanted to get across the introductions, the optimistic vs pessimistic attitudes of them both, and the sun preventing them from looking at the island properly is just a slight religious reference to get things started. The next paragraph will start to answer the question of what they will do next.

>The two of them walked up the beach together. Their clothes were wet and clinging to them and the sun made them squint as they looked up at the inner part of the island.
>‘I know who you are.’ the first man said to the other. ‘You’re the professor guy off T.V.’
>‘Yes, that’s right. I’m Professor Graeme Stringer.’ he replied.
>‘My name is Sebastian. I knew I recognised you. The biology guy right? You’ve sure got a lot of people hating on you.’ The professor smiled, slightly embarrassed.
>‘I was on a way to a conference in Tokyo,’ he said, feeling as though he had to explain, ‘but I suppose that doesn’t matter now, does it?’
>‘Do not worry, Professor Graeme Stringer.’ Sebastian said. ‘There are worse things that happen at sea, no?’ And then he laughed.

[Anonymous No.7339187]

>>7339114
>>7339169
>and smiled.
>And then he laughed.

[Anonymous No.7339194]

>>7339187
Haha, yep.
In a few paragraphs the first conflict is going to happen. The professor will be annoyed at Sebastian's constant optimism after hundreds of people just died in a crash and they are stranded somewhere. But Sebastian is simply glad to be alive and is sure that they will get out of this predicament.

[Anonymous No.7339262]

>>7339194
Okay, so I was getting a bit bored of there being no conflict so that has to start right away. At the same time, this paragraph starts to examine the men's situation and make the reader wonder how they are going to cope trapped on the island together.

>‘We need to find fresh water quite urgently.’ he said. ‘And after that the next thing is food and shelter, and only after we have all three we can begin to think about getting rescued.’ >Sebastian followed him closely behind, winded by the humidity.
>‘This island looks very small so we should be able to find our way around it quite easily.’ the professor continued.
>‘Very lucky to wash up on an island like this,’ Sebastian said, ‘yes, very lucky. Thousands of miles of water and we wash up here.’ The professor stopped a moment to regain his surroundings.
>‘I don’t think there’s anything particularly lucky about it.’ he said, looking at him, ‘There were a lot of people on that plane. Kids.’
>‘Still, to wash up on an island like this was very lucky.’ said Sebastian. ‘We wouldn’t survive long at sea, not at all.’

The dialogue feels a bit corny here, so I'll revise it later. Now I want the first trial to come which is the sheer size of the island and trying to find what they need - water.

[Anonymous No.7339308]

>>7339262
Sorry I missed a bit off the copy and paste there before the dialogue:

>There was nothing on the beach and the sun was beating down so they entered the forest. It was much cooler under the shade of the trees. There was a constant chirping of insects and the occasional bird-call off in the distance but as far as they could tell the men were completely alone. The professor broke off a nearby branch and used it as a walking stick as they pushed through the dense vegetation.

Out of interest this is the island I’m using for mental reference.

[Anonymous No.7339371]

This is my next part. It's longer than the others, because I've drawn the scene out enough to be able to enjoy a bit of character development, though after this I will have to ensure that the next paragraph is a bit more actiony. At the moment the conflict is very polar and basic, and Sebastian seems to have the upper hand. Next conflict I will have to ensure that the opposite occurs, and that the characters are fleshed out a bit more. I'll do this by showing the professors rational merits and Sebastian's failure to cope when his prayers aren't answered.

>They continued pushing through the forest and found the island to be much larger than they initially thought. After half an hour they were both exhausted and covered in sweat but the forest seemed to go on forever. Below them the beach was still in sight, through the trees.
>The professor lowered himself on his stick and sat on a tree stump, wheezing. For the first time Sebastian realised that he was younger than he was the younger of the two.
>‘There might not even be any water.’ the professor said. ‘We may need to hope that it rains or that we find some other source of liquids.’
>‘Do not worry professor. I am sure that we will find something like we found this island.’ Sebastian said.
>‘And what makes you think that?’
>‘We have been very lucky this far. God will provide for us.’ he said. The professor sighed and tapped his branch on the forest floor.
>‘Look around you!’ he shouted, exasperated. A bird flew up from the canopy above them. >‘We may very well die here! And you talk about luck. If we were so lucky I would be half-way to Tokyo by now, not sitting in a jungle listening to you tell me about how lucky we are. If God wants to provide for us, let him send us a rescue plane! Or even better, have him not smash our other one into the damned ground in the first place!’ There was a moment of silence.
>‘Professor Graeme, please do not be alarmed.’ said Sebastian. ‘One hour ago you could have been dead and here you are, so there is something positive after all. Now the first time you get tired you talk as though we are doomed.' 'Let us take one step at a time, Professor. Let me help you to your feet.’

[saghe No.7339386]

jesus christ how badly do you need validation and hand-holding that you would make a shit post thread like this

[Anonymous No.7339419]

>>7339386
>that is such a Professor Graeme thing to say

[Anonymous No.7339420]

>>7338982

The first paragraph is a terrible opening. How many short stories start with a completely pedestrian description of nature? There are probably some but I haven't read them because they suck. I don't like the "two limp bundles that are actually people!" thing either. Who the fuck thinks they look like limp bundles of clothing? Nobody would think that. Two limp bodies is far more effective. Your prose also needs toning down a little "upon getting nearer to the shore, began to awkwardly propel themselves" calm down Grandad.

The second is a bit better except it's not very well written.
>the man swam towards the first thing he saw which was the smooth beach of the island
Only give something an adjective if it enhances the image. What the hell is this unwieldly jacket? Is it made of sheet metal or something?

>>7339081

This is better simply because it is less shit. Here though there is an issue with the describing words. He immediately shouted? I wasn't assuming he waited for 20 minutes.

[Anonymous No.7339508]

>>7339371
Here I've made a risky decision to enter one of the characters heads but I keep it limited and I think it pays off. Now we'll follow the professor for a bit and Sebastian the person we first met will fade a bit. I don't want either character to dominate the narrative for very long.

>The professor took Sebastian’s arm and stood up. The forest was overwhelming and soon they would lose their sense of direction. He knew that the stranger, Sebastian, was expecting him to do something but he didn’t know what it was. There was nothing to do but to walk and look for water somewhere. He suspected their best chance was to head as high up as possible to find water running down from the mountain but the daylight wouldn’t last forever and it would get awfully cold during the night. Sebastian’s optimism annoyed him but there was no use in arguing at the moment. Just my luck, he thought, that I’d get stranded here with one of those types. He took the lead again and whipped away the ferns with his stick and they continued to climb away from the sea.

>Ahead there was a steep climb and they grabbed on to branches as they made their way to the top. At the top was a kind of plateau covered in trees and from it they could see the inlet they’d come from where the sea was a light aquamarine. The sea was shallow for quite some distance before it dropped off beyond the ring of rocks and there it was much darker and the waves were higher. The mountain blocked some of their view but there was no other land to be seen and they both scoured the horizon for a moment, but saw nothing.

[Anonymous No.7339518]

>>7338921
I'm pretty sure the letters in words and sentences are supposed to spell things. I could be wrong.

[Anonymous No.7339678]

according to my aesthetical model, your story has underdeveloped symbolism and also lacks the ideal.

[Anonymous No.7339689]

>>7338982

>The first thing the man felt was a bitter salt taste in his mout

[Anonymous No.7339807]

>>7339081
>The salt-water was bitter in his mouth
Give up now.

[Anonymous No.7339932]

Frame it from the biologist's perspective on the cleric, and allow his narration to demonstrate the full range of his skills, while giving voice to his ignorances.

[Anonymous No.7339945]

Frame it from the biologist's perspective on the cleric, and allow his narration to demonstrate the full range of his skills, while giving voice to his ignorances.

[Anonymous No.7339965]

>>7339420
>Only give something an adjective if it enhances the image. What the hell is this unwieldly jacket? Is it made of sheet metal or something?
I agree with this. Although I understand what you were going for with 'unwieldy jacket' the adjective itself is more distracting than revealing. Try some compound nouns. Over-stuffed winter jacket, for example. Then show how much he struggles to escape from it, rather than telling us 'oh, and it was also unwieldy.' (which is basically what an adjective does)

[Anonymous No.7340323]

I think the latter would be a better way to go about it honestly. In my opinion, showing the breaking down of faith after an incident such as this would be a much more powerful way of going about this than the presence of a non-interfering higher power.

[Anonymous No.7341260]

>>7338895
'One is a renowed biologist and religious critic'
Obvious richard dawkings is obvious