/lit/ - Literature

[Anonymous No.7205022]

Jokes are literature

What are some of your favourite jokes?

What are some jokes you have written?

Who are some of your favourite comedians?

I am a big fan of jokes, and so thus I would like to hear /lit/ on jokes.

[Anonymous No.7205043]

I love puns. Everybody rolls their eyes at them, but I just love em.

[Anonymous No.7205062]

Oh, man I love Mitch Hedberg. The guy is hilarious.

[Anonymous No.7205084]

>>7205062
Was

[Anonymous No.7205122]

>>7205022
>what are lobs

[Anonymous No.7205138]

>>7205084
Was and is. Certainly better than some of the comics out today.

[Anonymous No.7205353]

>>7205022

George Carlin. Don't thank me. He is GOAT

[Anonymous No.7205357]

>>7205022
Wow. He really channeled Infinite Meme when he told that joke.

[Anonymous No.7205359]

>>7205022
Eddie Izzard is GOAT

[Anonymous No.7205405]

Right so I was reading about pavlov's dog and an idea for a joke came to mind, the punchline is condition her but I can't think of what the set up should be the main thought behind it is that condition her sounds like conditioner and so it would go something like this
>How do you get your girlfriend to be more smooth
>You conditioner
What do you guys think, any ideas for a better set up?

[Anonymous No.7205486]

>>7205405
You've got to make it about Pavlov. Like how did Pavlov keep his girlfriend's hair shiny every day? Condition her. But even then you would only draw groans.

[Anonymous No.7205524]

>>7205486
...or, "I asked Pavlov how I could make my girlfriend's hair shinier. He said condition her."

[Anonymous No.7205532]

>>7205022
Fuck off
Sage

[Anonymous No.7205534]

>>7205022
>What are some jokes you have written?
My diary, tbh

[Anonymous No.7205540]

>>7205532
>not putting sage in option
It's like you're new here

[Anonymous No.7205546]

>>7205084
He still is, but he was too

[Anonymous No.7205555]

>>7205022
>mfw this was the cause of DFW suicide

[Anonymous No.7205573]

Neil Hamburger

[Anonymous No.7205642]

i had an idea for a cartoon. the image is of a psychotherapist with a patient lying down or whatever. therapist is saying "don't tell me about your mother" and the caption is "reverse psychologist"

also i thought of a good joke format but there are no jokes that fit it. it would go like "on every level other than physical, i am a mechanism for moving liquid. i am pumpkin". but there arent enough words that are [word by itself]kin.

favourite comedian is stewart lee

[Anonymous No.7205653]

>>7205022
What's the difference between 'A Song of Ice and Fire' and Twitter?

Twitter only has 140 characters.

[Anonymous No.7205688]

>>7205043
>>>/r/eddit

[Anonymous No.7205702]

>>7205642
on every level except physical, i am the act of loudly eating. i am munchkin

[Anonymous No.7205782]

>>7205688
>this leads to something

[Anonymous No.7205790]

>>7205022

Ayn Rands authorship tbqh

[Anonymous No.7205804]

>>7205642

I like. And I hate jokes.

I hope you arn't taking these TOO serious but at the same time I hope that you are taking them serious - if you get me?

Keep it up though.

Also, I hate Steward Lee, at first he seems fun and dead pan and the whole Top Gear thing was cutting edge, but really - he's just so far left to the point it becomes forced.

But yeah mate, good work.

[Anonymous No.7205819]

>>7205524
this is good

[Anonymous No.7205831]

>>7205022
i would fuck with a /jokewriting/ general tbh. anybody else???

[Anonymous No.7205852]

>Jokes based on wordplays
I never find them funny. Some really good ones are interesting and I my respect to the creators but they are not funny.

Anyway, the best way to ruin any joke is manual loud laughing, explaining the joke afterwards and finally asking "do you understand?"

Works pretty well.

[Anonymous No.7205862]

>>7205546
You like laughing at corpses?

[Anonymous No.7205914]

knock knock

>who's there?

to

>to who?

whom

[Anonymous No.7205952]

>>7205702
haha. on every level except physical, i am a smart tap or stroke, and the note between "so" and "ti". i am phillip larkin.

>>7205804
>I hope you arn't taking these TOO serious but at the same time I hope that you are taking them serious - if you get me?

thanks. yeah they kind of oscillate between stupid and clever.

here's another. "petis filous makes my bone grow stronger" - a paedophile with a yoghurt fetish

i know what you mean with stewart lee but the overtly political/politically ideological stuff is really a small part of his work. like his show "stand-up comedian" from about 2005, there's some stuff about princess diana and 9/11, and it would probably offend some right-wingers but you don't have to be left wing to enjoy it. he also makes fun of guardianista types a fair amount. i think really he just makes fun of pleb culture which happens to be predominantly right-wing.

i really hate it when comedians like josie long put blatantly political stuff in their acts just to get applause. and it's not even attempting to be amusing. or when it's a shit joke but the audience laugh and clap just because they agree with the politics of it.

[Anonymous No.7205968]

>>7205862
> a video is a corpse

[Anonymous No.7206066]

I'm a fan of shaggy dog stories

[Anonymous No.7206160]

i like russian jokes, there are particular series of jokes, which usually feature the same character or the same situation, or theme.

My favs are of "poruchnik rschweski", which can translated as "lower officer rschweski". Rschewski is a 18th century soldier, who hangs around russian nobility and has absolutely no manners in contrast to the other nobles, who follow a strict code.

TL;DR the joke:

18th century ball in a chic palace. Lots of high ranking guests, officers, russian nobles etc.
One particular girl "Masha" is the most beautiful and rich of all, everyone tries to invite her to a dance.
First cavalier invites her for a dance, she tells him, while dancing with him, he has billiard cue stick dust on his sleeve, he goes outside and shoots himself, because he is embarassed.
Second cavalier invites her, she tells him, he has billiard cue stick dust, he shoots himself.
Poruchnik Rschweski arrives on the scene, invites Masha for dance, Masha looks down in disgust: "Poruchnik your boots are full of dirt"
Poruchnik answers: "Masha, first of all this is not dirt this is horse manure, second if it dries it will fall off itself."

[Anonymous No.7206229]

>>7205353
>George Carlin
>>7205359
>Eddie Izzard
>>7205062
>Mitch Hedberg
Oh hai reddit

>>7205952
>stewart lee
>le guardian-reading britcuck

[Anonymous No.7206415]

>>7206160
not funny
autistic as fuck
kill yourself

[Anonymous No.7206460]

Here's a joke:
My aunt just decided to turn her house into a Bed and Breakfast. I guess she thought, "hey, not enough strangers are fucking here"

[Anonymous No.7206485]

>>7206160
You didn't need to explain who he was, you gay. You could have just said, first guy, second guy, third guy.
Nor does the setting matter besides its a fancy ball with a fancy chick
The punchline should just be, "First of all, Masha, this is horse manure..." end of joke
I don't care if you have it quoted from some queer book, that's the better version of what we would consider today a very mediocre joke.

[Anonymous No.7206500]

comedy is the cheapest form of humor

[Anonymous No.7206501]

>>7206415
>>7206485
These two autistic faggots should be gassed together so they can embrace each other in their last moments of fucking faggotry

[Anonymous No.7206502]

>>7206460
your existence is a joke

[Anonymous No.7206503]

>>7205546
Underrated post

[Anonymous No.7206515]

>>7206229
>>le guardian-reading britcuck
Oh hai /pol/

[Anonymous No.7206523]

>>7206501
kill yourself

[Anonymous No.7206524]

>>7206515
Heil

[Anonymous No.7206527]

>>7206501
you are utterly worthless

[Anonymous No.7206529]

>>7206527
>>7206523
>>7206502
>>7206500
samefags

[Anonymous No.7206533]

>>7206529
go fuck yourself

[Anonymous No.7206538]

>>7206533
>>>/pol/

[Anonymous No.7206556]

>>7206538
no

[Anonymous No.7206562]

>>7206538
make me, faggot

[Anonymous No.7206572]

>>7205022
When does five come before nine? In the alphabet.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it didn't want to go to school.
Why did Lady Di cross the road? Because she wasn't wearing her seat belt.

[Anonymous No.7206575]

Que le dijo la foca a la otra foca? fuck you

[Anonymous No.7206579]

>>7206572
lame

[Anonymous No.7206606]

>>7205852
"But why do they call it the dog-watch?"

"Because it is curtailed."

[Anonymous No.7206758]

>>7206575

[Anonymous No.7206779]

The best kinds of jokes are proprietary; ie they're only funny when the delivery is funny.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eE6QzDrT_x8

[Anonymous No.7206789]

>>7206779
that's not what proprietary means.

[Anonymous No.7206939]

I wrote a joke about a geography dinner party where everyone sits around a table and gets a p,ate that represents a different country's food. Anyway the guy sitting next to Germany looks upset and wants to trade seats with someone. Punchline is 'something is rotten on the plate of Denmark'. It needs work

[Anonymous No.7207075]

ADC is the best comedian of all time:

Little Boy Blue...he needed the money! OH!

[Anonymous No.7207103]

>>7206939

>something is rotten on the plate of denmark

sell it to a history textbook or child's joke book and move on, that punchline is a DEEP cut

[Anonymous No.7207478]

>>7205555
Quads speak the truth

[Anonymous No.7207583]

What did the musician name his dog?
Wagner!

[Anonymous No.7208293]

A potentially great thread has been squandered. Stand up comedy is wonderful, a great comic offers up such a vast wealth of analysis. Me and my dad can sit around for hours and analyze the comics we love. How they feel about things, why they are funny, how they respond to an audience, their subject matter. Good fuck it is great.

My favorites are Louis CK, Norm Macdonald, Doug Stanhope, Patrice O'Neal and Bill Burr. I feel that these five are undeniably hilarious and it is not just their craftsmanship that brings about such interest. It is due to the qualities of the men themselves. Something they exude that makes them not just funny, but lovable people. I appreciate their existence in a profound way and am always ready to learn about not only their material, but who they were as people.

Fuck you assholes for not treating comedy with that particular reverence that truly great stand up deserves. Fuck you.

[Anonymous No.7209632]

>>7208293
Okay

[Anonymous No.7209688]

What did the leper say to the whore?
Keep the tip.

[Anonymous No.7209703]

Definitely this one from DFW

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, a dyslexic, and an unwilling agnostic?

Someone who stays up all night wondering whether or not there's a dog.

No idea if he came up with this joke but Infinite Jest definitely popularized it.

[Anonymous No.7210127]

An idiot once told me his crazy sibling wasn't going to a shrink because she was already psycho-anal-sis. It was all very freudian to me.

After reading every last line and scrawl of writing by Joyce I could get my hands on; every book, essay, scrap, and toiletpaper tissue square; Beckett's writing truly was a breath of fresh air.

I've been experimenting with anthropomorphising as a way of solving societies problems; unfortunately it turns out everything wants to kill us. This sounds bad, but could be salvagable; it turns out nothing cares about us either.

Maybe instead of putting up a memorial for your son you should put up a sign saying 'Don't jump, come masturbate on our basement sofa'.

I'm not gonna make it am I?

----------------

>>Now for the best written one liner in all podcast history.

I want to open up an Spanish-Irish-Jamaican small plate breakfast restaurant and call it Tapas the Mornin' to Jah.

[Anonymous No.7210302]

I like important comedy.

[Anonymous No.7211684]

>>7205022
Un soneto me manda hacer Violante
que en mi vida me he visto en tanto aprieto;
catorce versos dicen que es soneto;
burla burlando van los tres delante.

Yo pensé que no hallara consonante,
y estoy a la mitad de otro cuarteto;
mas si me veo en el primer terceto,
no hay cosa en los cuartetos que me espante.

Por el primer terceto voy entrando,
y parece que entré con pie derecho,
pues fin con este verso le voy dando.

Ya estoy en el segundo, y aun sospecho
que voy los trece versos acabando;
contad si son catorce, y está hecho.

[Anonymous No.7211687]

Top 3 comedians

Norm Macdonald
Bill Burr
Brian Reagan

[Anonymous No.7211732]

>>7210127
>I want to open up an Spanish-Irish-Jamaican small plate breakfast restaurant and call it Tapas the Mornin' to Jah.

[Anonymous No.7211741]

>>7206779
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WBIpMGyJQBw

[Anonymous No.7212407]

>>7210127
>I want to open up an Spanish-Irish-Jamaican small plate breakfast restaurant and call it Tapas the Mornin' to Jah.

i recognize this... is it foam corner from CBB?

[Anonymous No.7212419]

>>7206160
>russian "humour"

[Anonymous No.7212428]

>>7211687
good list

based bill

[Anonymous No.7212478]

>>7205022
over 9000 units of time painting my monitor and photographing the result

[Anonymous No.7212510]

>>7212407

You got it. Harris is the hero we deserved, he died for his pins.

>>I miss him

[Anonymous No.7212532]

>>7211741
Norm Macdonald called me on the phone 6 months ago to discuss my jokes

[Anonymous No.7212534]

>>7205022
yid and a half

[Anonymous No.7212537]

>>7209688
I enjoyed your joke because it was disgusting.

[Anonymous No.7212564]

>>7208293
>Me and my dad can sit around for hours and analyze the comics we love.
that made me sad

[Anonymous No.7212570]

When I said I was going to become a comedian, they all laughed. Well, they're not laughing now, are they?

[Anonymous No.7212574]

>>7206160
A Jew is sitting on a bench in a park in Saint Petersburg reading aloud from a book in Hebrew. A KGB agent approaches him and asks why he is reading aloud in Hebrew? The Jew answers that Hebrew is spoken in Heaven so he has to learn it in order to communicate after death. The KGB agent enquires what he will do if he is sent to Hell instead of Heaven? The Jew replies that he already knows Russian.

[Anonymous No.7212577]

>>7212574
Soviet peasant filled with burning desire to read for glory of Soviet Russia. One day peasant go to Soviet bookstore, and sees book with skull on cover. He asks owner how much is book, and owner responds 80 rubles. However, owner tell peasant never read last page, or else doom shall fall upon him! Peasant reads all book in one night, is dark book of capitalism about by evil man, John Deere, talking of automated machinery and air conditioned tractors, many horrors in book indeed! Yet peasant does not read last page, for he has fear in his heart! One night it storms however, and the man is bored. He finally gathers up enough Soviet courage to read last page, dispelling superstition, for he has faith in the Party. As soon as he reads last page, man gasps! Book originally 20 rubles! The owner was Jew!

[Anonymous No.7212580]

>>7212577
Three party bosses arrive at the local kindergarden of future workers of the motherland to do some propaganda.
They enter and cry to the children assembled there:
"Children! Which country has best toys?"
The children reply: "Soviet Union!"
"Which country has best ice cream?"
"Soviet Union!"
"Which is the best place in the entire world for children to live in?!"
"Soviet Union!"
Suddenly, one of the party bosses notices a small girl to his right silently looking down and crying.
He approaches her.
"Why do you cry, little devotchka?"
"I wish I lived in Soviet Union..."

[Anonymous No.7212596]

>be me
>accidentally walk in on dog
>"Pavlov get out I'm bathe!"
>it ain’t me starts playing

[Anonymous No.7212601]

One man went to Africa on vacation and found wounded elephant. He treated his wound and removed a spear from his leg. Many years later man visits Moscow circus to see the show. Suddenly one elephant stops obeying orders of animal trainer, walks up to the man, grabs him with trunk and smashes him into the ground to death. It wasn't the same elephant.

[Anonymous No.7212604]

Russian peasant enters his kitchen holding a duck under his arm.
"This is the pig I'm fucking," he announces.
"That's not a pig, that's a duck," his wife replies.
"I wasn't talking to you."

[Anonymous No.7212740]

>>7205022
mitch hedberg is the most reddit comedian alive. he's not that bad tho

[Anonymous No.7212946]

>>7212740
>mitch hedberg is the most reddit comedian alive.
literally reddit tier humor right here

[Anonymous No.7212954]

>>7212574
ayy vey
I always kinda liked this jewish joke:
>An old man is sitting at the back of a crowded bus, jam-packed with passengers. "Oi, am I thirsty…! Oiiiiii, ammmm IIIII thirsty…" he kvetches loudly. Ten, twenty, thirty minutes go by, and he's still complaining. Everyone on the bus can hear him and he's driving the other passengers crazy. Finally, somebody begs the bus driver to stop the bus so they can get this man a drink. They pull into a rest stop and somebody runs in and brings him a big bottle of water. He drinks the entire bottle without coming up for air. The bus pulls out and everybody breathes a sigh of relief. Suddenly, from the back seat, "Oi, was I thirsty. Oiiiiiiiiiii, wassssss IIIIIIII thirsty…"

[Anonymous No.7212957]

>>7205359
I met the man on the set of Hannibal. He was awkward. I'm also a giant so he might have been intimidated.

[Anonymous No.7212979]

>>7212957
Maybe he just didn't need a fluffer.

[Anonymous No.7212995]

>>7211741
>tfw I tried to do this joke with my friends


NEBER AGAIN

[Anonymous No.7213006]

>>7212601
Lol

[Anonymous No.7213010]

>>7212419

Just imagine the delivery is completely deadpan, made by a malnourished man in adidas tracksuit squatting in a desolate Béton brut hellhole.

Imagine that instead of laughing at the punchline, one of the other malnourished dead-pan Russians collapses in his squat, dead from starvation.

[Anonymous No.7213625]

>>7205022
That sounds like DFW

[The cats No.7213657]

Gulliver's Travels is the funniest book I've ever read. The best living comedians are Doug Stanhope, Bill Burr, Brian Regan, Josh Blue and arguably Bo Burnham, at least his first comedy special before he got even more pretentious. I like a lot of Patton Oswalt and Christopher Titus and Dave Chappelle but maybe not everyone will. Mitch Hedberg and Jimmy Carr do the best one-liners. Patrice O'Neal was a fucking riot.

Trailer Park Boys and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia are the only live action shows worth watching from TV. Looney Tunes is also funny.

[Anonymous No.7213667]

>>7213657

poor taste in comics

[Anonymous No.7213784]

The point of golf is to play the least amount of golf

[Anonymous No.7213800]

>>7213667

[Anonymous No.7213932]

>>7212596
i get that reference
very niche

[Anonymous No.7214692]

>>7212740
Fuck no. He was great.

[Anonymous No.7214760]

Surprised at how little Stewart Lee talk we're getting
His UKIP/Bulgaria/Beakerfolk etc show
dailymotion.com/video/x1lwl2j_stewart-lee-s-comedy-vehicle-s03e02_fun

Have you been sick?:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cbe5o3Mmkfg

Carpet Remnant World:
http://www.cloudy.ec/v/ad667d7f402df

Generally interesting interview with Johnny Vegas, talks a lot about context and his ideas on his own stand-up:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8_RnQUijf1U

[Anonymous No.7214770]

>>7205022
Whats brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr Dre

[Anonymous No.7214787]

How do Jewish pedophiles pick up victims?

"Hey kids, wanna buy some candy?"

[Anonymous No.7214797]

Sam Hyde tbh

[Anonymous No.7214820]

>>7208293
>Thread is squandered!!!
>Louis C.K.

Ok :^)

[Anonymous No.7214828]

>>7214797
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IyE78eyFRa8

>liberals BTFO
>Muslim apologists BTFO
>non-whites BTFO

heh, irony huh

[Anonymous No.7214842]

Steven Wright is the greatest comedian of all time.

Norm MacDonald is the funniest.

[Anonymous No.7214854]

[Anonymous No.7214866]

there's something plebby about humor

[Anonymous No.7214867]

>>7214842
>>7214854
My nigger

[Anonymous No.7214880]

>>7214828
>66% heckle comedy reliant on swearing
>appealing to the lowest common denominator
>"have you guys seen this POPULAR FILM?"
>reading off a sheet of paper
pleb-tier comedy by a pleb-tier comedian.

[Anonymous No.7214886]

[Anonymous No.7214893]

BTW Bill Hicks is the least funny, most overrated comedian of all time.

[Anonymous No.7214909]

>>7214893
Bill Hicks spews classic /lit/ quotes.

[Anonymous No.7214912]

>>7207075
Jack and Jill went up the hill
each with a buck and a quarter.

Jill came down with two-fifty.

WHAT A WHORE! OH!

[Anonymous No.7214916]

>>7214893

[Anonymous No.7214922]

I just don't get standup. I love sketch, improv, funny books, shows, and movies. But I find standup totally unappealing, besides a few cases that are way outside the norm.

Just some asshole talking to you is terrible. I lived in LA for a while and saw a lot of what people consider the best and it just sucks. It's steeped in this lame culture and need to get across stupid, obvious opinions.

Why don't I understand? I want to, but standup comedy is just practically all shit.

[Anonymous No.7214927]

what do you call a homosexual on rollerblades?

rolaids

[Anonymous No.7214944]

>>7212570
nice

[Anonymous No.7214950]

>>7214922
Watch Steven Wright.

[Anonymous No.7214956]

Stand up comedy? More like sit down stoppity.

[Anonymous No.7214962]

>>7214916
As Christians would put it, you're the one getting yourself into eternal suffering. For some reason, God is showing you his love by giving you the freedom to get into hell. The funny part is the only clue you have to get out of the road to hell is believing what a bunch of idiots claim, even though he knows most of us need at least a half-good reason to believe in something.

[Anonymous No.7214965]

>>7214922
What's the lame culture? Actually curious.
If people are trying to get across stupid, obvious political opinions or opinions about gender, other social issues, then I agree it's stupid and obvious. Other comedians who focus on non-political issues are generally the best in my opinion. Political comedy is usually just stupid people pretending to be deep philosophers.
Who did you see?

[Anonymous No.7214989]

[Anonymous No.7215598]

>>7205405

>Myhair is all fucked up and my girlfriend won't comb it
>So... conditioner

[Anonymous No.7216145]

>>7214842
>>7214854
He's the only American stand-up that I like.

[Anonymous No.7216229]

Norm > everyone else

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dWGAm55gApk

[Anonymous No.7216243]

>>7209688
i only laughed bc i'm tired

[Anonymous No.7216271]

What's the similarity between lady Diana and Pink Floyd?
Their last hit was The Wall.

How to fit three faggots on a barstool?
Turn it upside down.

Here are some terrible ones from IFLS:
1. I’m reading a great book on anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
2. I have a new theory on inertia but it doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.
3. Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations? Because they don’t believe in higher powers.
4. Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.
5. Do you know the name Pavlov? It rings a bell.
6. A group of protesters in front of a physics lab:“What do we want?”.“Time travel”“When do we want it?”.“Irrelevant.”
7. What does a subatomic duck say? Quark!
8. A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer. Bartender replies “For you, no charge”.
9. Two atoms are walking along. One of them says:“Oh, no, I think I lost an electron.”“Are you sure?”“Yes, I’m positive.”
10. An optimist sees a glass half full. A pessimist sees it half empty. An engineer sees it twice as large as it needs to be.

[Anonymous No.7216281]

Where my /Bill Burr/ bros at?

[Anonymous No.7216288]

>>7216281

the breaking bad subreddit, your local bar full of bespectacled twentysomethings in beards, stormfront, and Trader Joe's

[Anonymous No.7216295]

>>7216288
Surely you're thinking of Louis CK

[Anonymous No.7216320]

>>7216295
Louie CK is actually funny though.

[Anonymous No.7216327]

>>7216229
Good man.

[Anonymous No.7216331]

>>7212979
well I wish he had told me to take his dick out of my mouth then

[Anonymous No.7216600]

On the subway. I saw a older man, in his late 50's, in a suit, playing plants v zombies on his phone. A game were plants... fight zombies.

And I thought, doesn't he know he's closer to death than he's ever been in his life?

All the social signifies this man had pointed to him having done well for himself, he was wearing a very nice suit and while he was old he had a distinguished look about him that made me assume he was on the subway because he realised it was quicker than driving his expensive car in and out of the city.

And he's wasting his time playing a game made for children and the unemployed.

There was something didn't add up here.

And it made me wonder had he ever made an real choice in his life or had it all been one distraction after another propelling him through life with some automatic grace?

Or was their a time when he took control of his life, made himself the man he was but felt the never ending guilt of what would never be, due to the choices he was ultimately responsible for?

And his playing plant v zombies now was his way of keeping the universe on automatic, away from his control, so he didn't have to suffer the responsibility of actually living his life?

Then I realised I had missed my stop.

[Anonymous No.7216854]

>>7212580
>>7212577
>>7212574
Hilarious

[Anonymous No.7216933]

>>7206575
>not motherfoca

[Anonymous No.7217107]

>>7214787
>>7214760
>>7211741
all good ones
>>7212577
good too, but the delivery is a bit strange

[Anonymous No.7217471]

>>7212995
Tell us, anon, what happened?

[Anonymous No.7217898]

>>7205022
Here OP
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jrg1UAixGaM

[Anonymous No.7218613]

>>7212577
Laughed aloud tbh

[Anonymous No.7218639]

>>7205022
I tried to tell a joke about objectivism but it Rand too long and everyone just shrugged.

[Anonymous No.7218695]

Groucho Marx is underrated as fuck these days. I can't think of anyone funnier.

[Anonymous No.7221200]

Two farmers arrive at their barn one morning to find several bags of expensive feed torn into and half-eaten. In front of the bags is one of the farm's sows, licking its snout and looking very pleased with itself. One of the farmers flies into a rage, and goes to strike the sow, but the other farmer stops him. Why?

Because he was committing the fallacy of post hog ergo propter hog.

It's a pig Latin joke

[Anonymous No.7221269]

>>7205022
Laconic phrase.

[Anonymous No.7221416]

>>7221200

[Anonymous No.7222752]

How are Japanese circuses and winter similar?

there's always a nip in the air

[Anonymous No.7222921]

Norm Macdonald is the best comedian i know of

[Anonymous No.7222972]

>>7222222
just checking something

[Anonymous No.7222976]

[Anonymous No.7222981]

>>7205405
Knock knock

[Anonymous No.7222993]

>>7222752
Kek

[Anonymous No.7223008]

>>7205914
kekekekekekekekkekekkekekejajjajjajjjajaajhahaahahahahahahaklikkaklakkaklaskaklopatzklatschabattacreppycrottygraddaghsemmihsammihnouithappluddyappladdypkonpkot!

[Anonymous No.7223058]

>>7213667
go back to england

[Anonymous No.7223225]

What do a seven inch desk fan and a Chinese penis have in common?

They're both made in China and are smaller than advertised.

[Anonymous No.7224508]

>>7205405
10/10

[Anonymous No.7224548]

>>7213010
improvement/10

[Anonymous No.7224638]

>>7205914
actually laughed out loud to this, jesus christ

[Anonymous No.7224684]

>>7214989
>"I once went to a fight and hockey match broke out"

[Anonymous No.7224938]

>>7216600

What if he just liked playing a fucking game? Maybe his kids showed it to him and he just found it fun and didn't give a damn what others thought of it. What's wrong with that? That isn't pathetic. Enduring boredom on the train instead of harmlessly enjoying yourself because some fuck you'll never even see again might think less of you is pathetic. If I'm in my fifties and still worry what someone from 4chan might think of me about anything I'll hang myself.

[Anonymous No.7224943]

>>7216600
is this supposed to be a joke

[Anonymous No.7225038]

>>7214989
Dangerfield is great.
There are a million reasons why a good joke is funny.

[Anonymous No.7225043]

http://natethesnake.com/

It's worth the time.

[Anonymous No.7225101]

Two Kentucky rednecks are leaning on a fence talking

Rn#1: you know what those city folks are sayin about us?
Rn#2 : what are they sayin?
#1: they're sayin we fuck our sisters, and cousins, and also fuck sheep, and cows, and dogs and snakes!
#2 why, I'm offended by that!
#1 you are?
#2 hell yes I am! (Pauses) did they really say snakes?

[Anonymous No.7225113]

>>7205804
His far left views are more a part of the character he plays on stage. He even admits to this saying he's actually quite a tame guy off stage. He's playing you.

[Anonymous No.7225118]

>>7214760
Morrissey's let himself go...

[Anonymous No.7225135]

Two nazis walk into a BAR. What happens?

Both die.

Two Americans walk into a Kar. What happens?

It all was an elaborate ruse all along, Americans are too fat to walk and use motorized carts instead. :^)

[Anonymous No.7225158]

I won't hear it that Krauts don'thave a sense of humour. They turned joke telling into a revolutionary act, and did it well too. These jokes are still funny too.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/East_Germany_jokes

>A citizen orders a Trabant car. The salesman tells him to come back to pick it up in nine years. The customer asks: "Shall I come back in the morning or in the evening then?" / "You're joking, aren't you?" / "No, not at all. It's just that I need to know whether the plumber can come at 3pm or not."
top fucking kek

[Anonymous No.7225169]

>>7225158

When the Germans had three Kaisers in one year, it became proverbial to refer to Wilhelm I. as "Der greise Kaiser" (The venerable Kaiser), Friedrich III as "Der weise Kaiser" (The wise Kaiser) and Wilhelm II as "Der Scheiße-Kaiser" (The shit Kaiser).

[Anonymous No.7225197]

I've got some scraps
>I've always wanted to become a heroin addict but I'm afraid of needles
>I always wear a seatbelt so that when the police show my parents my charcoaled remains trapped inside the mangled ball of metal and plastic that used to be their car, they'll at least be able to say: 'Imagine how much worse it would've been if he hadn't worn his seatbelt'
I don't like that one at all actually that much, it doesn't really click and it leans too much on the whole 'molten corpse' part. But I like the joke that people believe so much in the functionality of the seatbelt that without it, it would've been catastrophicly worse.
>I'm more of a 'the moon is half full' type of werewolf
These are all pretty bad actually

Also, I got this one I heard from a friend:
[woman comes to doctor]
w: doctor doctor, I've been feeling horrible for a few weeks now, I'm nauseous all the time, my belly is getting bigger, my poop is really thin, I'm really worried
dr: don't worry madam, odds are that it's nothing, we'll take a few pictures I get this all sorted out before the end of the week.
<two days later>
dr: miss, we have the results and I have a question for you: do you know how to change a diaper?
w: wait?! <excited> Am I pregnant!?!?
dr; no, no, you have bowel cancer

[Anonymous No.7225426]

I've got a joke that I'm pretty sure is original.

>Did you know the phrase "you're killin' me smalls" is actually a bastardized version of the old Indian saying "you're killing me smallpox"

Formatting is eh, but I'm kind of proud of it.

[Anonymous No.7225958]

I come up with formulaic twitter jokes sometimes.

Damn girl, are you Finnegans Wake?
Because I'll probably never touch you but I'll tell everyone I did to impress them.

Damn girl are you my dog?
Because you're kinda gross and I'd prefer if you slept on the floor.

Idk

[Anonymous No.7225963]

>>7225158
this and others were told by Reagan regularly.

[Anonymous No.7225995]

Oh boy some shit i've thought about, chuckled at and wrote down just for shits and giggles:

The antisocial architect: "I have trouble building and maintaining relationships"


For Jeffery Dohmer, even light cardio is an insane workout.

porn titles: Paul revere's: The British are cumming
Build it and they will cum

This friend of mine who was an inventor had a revolutionary idea for an anchor. It would have sold millions. The only problem was he couldnt get the idea off of the ground

[Anonymous No.7226051]

>>7205022

Why is Christmas in Latvia so sad?

Because money saved for Christmas potato must be spent on abortion for youngest daughter who was gang raped by secret police death squad.

Maybe funnier in original Latvian, maybe not.

[Anonymous No.7226358]

Danny Bhoy is one of my favourites

[Anonymous No.7226377]

>>7206160
i like it

[Anonymous No.7226419]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fwYVqMj5i6k

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gPSAu8xfmhk

[Anonymous No.7226456]

Post-Soviet ex-KGB gangster suits up in his Armani, drives his Mercedes to the jewelry store, buys a watch. Drives to the club shows Boris. "Look at watch. $10 thousand US dollarei. Rolex. Real thing. Look at second hand. Smooth sweep."

Boris says, "Yeah. Nice. But you could have got it for $14 thousand at the jeweller across town."

[Anonymous No.7226472]

During the first post-Soviet election, Ivan gets arrested. In jail the first inmate asks him what he's in for.

"I was for Mishkin. You?"
"I was against Mishkin."
"And you. Over there. What are you in for?"
"I'm Mishkin."

[Anonymous No.7226486]

Bona fide /lit/ joke:

>be 5am
>homework for 8am class
>need to summarize plot
>Song of Roland
>need to sleep so bad
>[lightbulb.webm]
>"Never put all your Basques in one exit."
>AOI