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/lit/ - Literature

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6812570 No.6812570 [Reply] [Original]

In the ever shifting and changing nature of the territories, only one thing seemed constant to Matthew- the summer rain.

>> No.6812577

>In the ever shifting and changing nature of the territories
Sounds hard going from the start, as if I'll have to think a lot while reading this.

>> No.6812581

Shouldn't that be "Matthew: the summer rain."

Maybe my grammar's rusty but I believe it currently reads that Matthew is the summer rain.

>> No.6812586

>>6812577
it sounds more repetitive and lacking thoughtfulness than anything else.

>> No.6812590

On the 16th of Janurary, 1945, Adolf Hitler took up residence in the Führerbunker, located near the Reich Chancellerry, Berlin.

>> No.6812597

>We called it Richie's, because there, we buried the rich.

>> No.6812624

>>6812590
Is this a history book or the great American novel?
>On the 16th of January, 19..ZZZzzzzz

Dates are boring m8

>> No.6812648

I walk a lonely road.

>> No.6812667

Through the wiry criss-crosses of the fence, we could see them fighting.

>> No.6812674

Thuy Johnston (a name that (like Phuc Stevenson (named (by me, not his parents (government attorneys (I know what you(Katrina?)’re thinking, how did lawyers raise a postman and under what kind of class system does this novel operate?))) after the 2011 NBA champion Deshawn Stevenson)) implies (to assumption-prone readers) that Mrs. Johnston was pro-trad enough to take her husband’s (we’re being implicitly socially conservative (by not acknowledging the likelihood that she’s gay (or adopted or a pop star with a stage name)) for the sake of space (yes le parentheses man is economical as fuck with space)) last name but still asserted enough cultural dominance to give her child a decidedly ethnic (to Americans (UT didn’t stand for U of Tel Aviv or what have you)) first name. Marv “Yellow Fever” Johnston’s dainty Asian bride has the cultural steering wheel (or maybe they’re sticks for her (that’s too absurd to be earnestly racist (also I’m Asian (half (I mean Obama can make black jokes (is that the same thing? Yellow peril and Jim Crow Seattle but look at China’s GDP compared to every country in West Africa (which is to say we’re not in the same boat (which is to say I’m sorry for all the ching-chong jokes (but I still get the appropriation pass to name my characters Phuc and Thuy and Trang (oh shit you haven’t met her yet (“Trang West is an 11 year-old Nepali yak-milking enthusiast at George W. Bush (Honor the Texas flag (“just like you like it”)) Middle School …”)))))))))))) is a grad student at UT. She’s with Wynn despite a 7-year age gap and the murky (is it murky if she’s a woman? (yes)) ethics of a TA fucking a freshman undergrad.

>> No.6812675

I am Heracule!

>> No.6812701

>>6812674
you again

>> No.6812704
File: 8 KB, 230x250, 1432628657375.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
6812704

>>6812570
try hard shit
>>6812590
>>6812590
>Führerbunker, located near the Reich Chancellerry, Berlin.
in case you mixed that up with Reich Cahncellerry, Chicago.
>>6812667
>Playing the prronoun game on first sentence

>> No.6812712

>>6812570

territories smells military.

"ever shifting and changing", unnecessary tautaulogy, I think

"Matthew-", "-" awkward punctuation, is it usual? >>6812581

>>6812590
>>6812624

Dates are boring, but 1945 will be a vivid recognizable date to most readers, in his defense, although the sentence is boring yes

>>6812648

john green tier, gay

>>6812667

sounds furiously gay. OK if the narrator is an idiot

>>6812674

didn't read it but it's pretty funny

>> No.6812713

>>6812667
Read the first sentence of The Sound and the Fury.

>> No.6812739

S'il faut écrire au courant de la plume, n'attendez rien de ce vous êtes sur le point de lire ; vous ne tenez entre vos yeux qu'un florilège d'inepties risibles et dérisoires. Ne pas chercher les mots, c'est laisser son cœur ivre écrire une maladie rongeuse de chair. Les apparences prévalent dans l'écriture ! Pourquoi vouloir donner un sens à vos dires lorsque vous pouvez les rendre attrayants?

>> No.6812848

>>6812739
This is nice. Is it really yours?

>> No.6813120

>>6812570
You are probably asking yourself how I got myself into this situation?

>> No.6813127

>>6813120
Interesting as fuck.

>> No.6813138

"One of the few advantages of having a false eye," Stark said, "is that you can fill it with nitroglycerine."

>> No.6813188

in a room
possessed
from one plain bound to another
with electronic
activity

the frequency

charging through universes unseen
and yet still,
perfectly.

>> No.6813195

>>6812570
I, Dinky Poople, took of my furry mask on my sofa and proceeded to make myself a tea "ouuf what a big day at the convention" I expired while steeping perfectly my tea.

>> No.6813497

>>6812570
The Mamluks are marching -- that's the thought niggling in the back of everyone's mind, the sentence slipping past everyone's lips.

>> No.6813506

Father died today, or was it yesterday?

>> No.6813558

>>6812570
You, I, they, the later for me: polysexuality for me.

>> No.6813610

>>6812570
Today is the day I'm gonna die.

>> No.6813616

I remember that day, the day when the Tree come to me, the day when the the Tree made me his woman.

>> No.6813793

For Maurice fame and riches, given his sheer talent and brilliance, seemed inevitable. He had pigeon-holed himself away by a sideways promotion and there he lay, day in and day out, gestating.

>> No.6813802
File: 43 KB, 640x427, 5ba3d4af15a36b55922e79526321677c.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
6813802

The tape recorder squealed as it rewinded to the beginning of the cassette. A series of clicks and warm tones indicated the start of the playback, and the voice of a young man was produced.

>> No.6813822

>>6813802
Here.
>>6813120
Interesting. Sounds kind of juvenile due to its presumptuousness; perhaps a young or roguish character?
>>6812667
I don't like the odd pronoun in the first sentence, it draws attention to the writing and prevents immersion.
>>6812648
>The only one that I have ever known.
>>6812597
Sounds interesting I guess, doesn't really make any sense though. I would read on out of curiosity however.

>> No.6814553

>>6813138
First non-autistic thing I have read in one of these threads. Would read novel.

>> No.6814598

A wall has appeared in my bathroom hallway, trapping me in between it and a door whose handle will not turn.

>> No.6814615

>>6812570
Thomas Pynchon was disappointed to find that the sight of his father dressed as a cat was not as arousing as he had hoped.

>> No.6814619

>>6812570
"Dr. Pavel, I'm CIA.", said the director.
But as fate would have it, Dr. Pavel wasn't alone.

>> No.6814621

Intimate pornography viewings comforted shameful ejaculations.

>> No.6814688
File: 25 KB, 395x346, 1412387607776.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
6814688

>>6814615

>> No.6814707

>>6814688
Does that mean it's good or bad?

>> No.6814715
File: 65 KB, 300x240, bro.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
6814715

>> No.6814717

>>6814707
You done good buddy, don't sweat it

>> No.6814728

>>6814615
Never start with a cliche

>> No.6814731
File: 151 KB, 424x318, 7190 - pointing smackdown smiling suit vince_mcmahon wwf.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
6814731

>>6814715

>> No.6814733

>>6814717
>>6814688
>>6814728

I came up with it as an entry to the Bulwer-Lytton contest tbh

>>6814621 was also me and sincere

>> No.6814744

Of all the times to wake up, 4 PM was the worst.

>> No.6814753

The language of the narrative transcends genre and culture, branching out to numerous forms of media, from oral to written, moving pictures to still portraits and gestures.

>> No.6814936

Suddenly... BALLOONS.

>> No.6814988

I am not Tao Lin.

>> No.6814990

>>6812739
>>6813138
>>6813497
>>6813616
>>6814598
pass
>>6812570
>>6812648
>>6812675
>>6813188
>>6813497
>>6813610
>>6814615
>>6814621
>>6814744
fail
>>6812590
>>6812597
>>6812667
>>6813558
>>6813793
>>6814753
retake

gold star

>> No.6814997

>>6812648
on the boulevard of broken dreams lalalalala

>> No.6815012

As Tao Lin emerged from the blood soaked basement of the department store, Max muttered to himself 'Spooky'.

>> No.6815015

>>6814990
Damn, your salt tastes bad.

>> No.6815026

>>6814990
>tfw 3 of mine failed

>> No.6815029

>>6814990
What does retake mean?

>> No.6815034

>>6815026
>taking this anon seriously.
>>6815029
he's saying you should retry it.

>> No.6815062

Life is good. You have to learn to be content, or the world will eat you alive. It will nip and grab at you until you are torn down. And it tries, brother. It really does.

>> No.6815082

Your time is up, my time is now. You can't see me. My time is now.

>> No.6815090

The tempest kicked upon the falling of night as though born of a conjurer.

inb4
>weather

>> No.6815115

>>6813802
is mine really that bad?

>> No.6815122

He was a big guy. For whom, he would not say.

>> No.6815124

>>6815115
It's okay, doesn't really grab the attention. I also don't like this much:
>and the voice of a young man was produced.
It feels constructed.

Also why did you choose to use rewinded rather than rewound?

>> No.6815146

>>6815124
I just didn't think about it at the time, but rewound does sound better thanks
I want to keep the meaning, but I will think of other ways of describing the beginning of the tape because I don't really like the last few words compared with the rest either.

Thank you.

The opening monologue wasn't supposed to have this at the start, it was supposed to be revealed later to be a recording but structurally this felt comfier

>> No.6815163

>>6815146
>I just didn't think about it at the time

Not to be rude but if you want to improve you need to think about your word selection more carefully.

>> No.6815203

>>6815163
Oh of course, it's just that this sentence was an after thought compared to the ridiculous amount of time I have spent staring at my first page, I only wrote it yesterday

>> No.6815281

>>6815029
has potential, failed because of execution, several of them firstly because of simple mistakes/clumsiness. the last one in "retake" was supposed to go in "pass"

>> No.6815294

>>6812739
I'm only learning French now but I think I get the just of it. Would you be kind enough to post a translation in English? Fwiw it seems good

>> No.6815300

"let me take a look at that; i've seen one of these before but it was a different color and smoother."

>> No.6815313

In the beginning, when God created the heavens and the earth, the earth was a formless wasteland, and darkness covered the abyss, while a mighty wind swept over the waters.

>> No.6815349

Literally the first sentence, lin and paragraph of my novel.
Be as harsh as you must because I'm sending this shit to someone to review it.

>For Islod, sight was not nearly as important as for other men. Why, he would only need to gulp down the vile, green liquid he called "potion" in order to justify wearing a blindfold so far into the western Frontier.

>> No.6815368

Underneath a canopy of streetlights, emerging from a concrete shell, Michelle found herself born under a bad sign; that read "Winnipeg: One Great City".

>> No.6815383

He poured me a tequila, and I noticed that the glass he offered me was begging for the warm embrace of a dishwasher.

>> No.6815387

Sol yanıma vuruşumun acısı rahatlatıcı bir yakıntıyla göğsüme, koluma ve mideme yayıldığında bir esinti duymamın nedeni Ağustos güneşinin elimden daha zalim olmasındandır.

>The reason I felt a breeze as the pain of me hitting my 'leftside' spread to my chest, arm and sstomach with a soothing burning (sensation) is that the August sun is more cruel than my own hand.

It sounds a lot better in the original I swear, and actually makes sense.

>> No.6815421

Mom and dad they just don't understand it--why do girls wanna pierce their nose...and walk around in torn pantyhose?

>> No.6815536

I greeted Sunday morning like I had for the past few years, still awake from last night, not a single thing accomplished. What was keeping me company in my room that night, like usual, was an almost empty bottle of Evan Williams, a dated prescription bottle holding in a musky scent along side a glass pipe still yet to be replaced, a bottle of generic aleve and above it on a shelf, a fake red wax candle made of recycled babybel cheese wax filled with 80 mg tablets. Also, as usual, my room looked like one of those "After" pictures of a bedroom, after a natural disaster hit some mid-western chipboard dump community, which my bedroom was actually inside a chipboard dump housing complex.

>> No.6815672

La mère prit l'enfant en ses bras, jamais petit Jimmie n'avait ressenti autant de chaleur humaine qu'en cet instant: étant précoce, son sexe se gonfla, pris une position érigé et le jeune homme contrôla sa complexe érection.

>> No.6815680

I replied by an interjection well suited to this contextual rhetorical question.

>> No.6815703

>>6813506
Sounds too much like Camus.

>> No.6815845

>>6815012
Tao out of Lin.
>>6815062
Hi Mr. Green. I thought you browsed tumblr?
>>6815082
Sounds like the lyrics of a generic radio single.
>>6815122
Remove this heated fellow from here!
>>6815300
I can't tell if this is a shitpost but if it isn't, I like it a whole lot.
>>6815349
You're trying way too hard.
>>6815368
This sounds really interesting. Great job.
>>6815383
Boring and not particularly well written.
>>6815421
YA trash but a decent opener.
>>6815536
Pretty decent until the last sentence. It just sounded awkward to me.

>> No.6815880

in the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.

>implying anything ITT can beat this GOAT opening line

>> No.6815898

>>6815421
are you my gf?

>> No.6815944

>>6812570

> shifting and changing

This is repetitive. Pick one word and strike the other.

>> No.6815951

through the ruin of a city stalked the ruin of a man.

>> No.6815954

>>6812570

Exactly, it was and would be there for the instance he knew it framed, failed in the cornices of light poking through the mountains and gun smoke because he had just been shot in the field by time itself and silted to the ground as a leaf into a pile of leaves.

>> No.6815955

>>6815880

I am seated in an office, surrounded by hands and bodies.

How do you guys like this one?

>> No.6815970

Thomas realized, with a sort of laugh, that every joke he had recently heard had been told by himself, to himself, and at his own expense

>> No.6815979

>>6815970
*realised

>> No.6815981

>>6815955
Is your back consciously congruent to your chair?

>> No.6815987

>>6812570
"God she was amazing. There were six of us at the start. Y'know in that line of work just starting out it would be easy after the first couple of failures to just give up and go back to our nine to five. She kept us going tho. She had this effect on people that never let us get too down on ourselves. We wanted nothing more than to impress her. Sad things ended up like they did. I would've tried to marry her."

>> No.6816013

He had never allowed himself to displace his consciousness into the rift. Perhaps he feared it would mean the eclipse and deconstruction of his soul and as a man a little too enamoured with the past, he could not abide that idea. This did not prevent him from carrying out his work in the field; in fact he proposed to himself that the very reason he was able to perform the research he so enjoyed was due to the fact he had been uncontaminated by the vast, corrupting expanse so few are now unfamiliar with. He would never choose to become a part of it and hoped he would never change his mind.

>> No.6816125

>>6812570
You are now reading the first line of this novel, I , the author, acknowledge your existence in a postmodern way as a mean to stem any criticism from your part: I am self-conscious (this piece of pseudo-intellectual shit too) and anything you can say about this novel has been thought and reflected upon by myself before even starting the first draft of what you are reading right now.

>> No.6816139

>>6815845
>>6815898
ha nah I just had an old Blink 182 song stuck in my head

>> No.6816224

>>6813138

My favourite so far.

>>6816125
I think this would work, but where do you go from here?

>> No.6816260

Elizabeth, a hunched over, bespectacled woman, with one leg bent to a 90-degree angle and propped against the other, clipped her toenails with the same precision of a professional beautician before dipping her long-toed feet in the water.

>> No.6816270

>>6816260
eugh

>> No.6816380

>>6812848
It's really me. Thank you.

>> No.6816386

>>6812570
AVOID noun-plussing more than once in a sentence, plen. just drop the "and changing" completely

>> No.6816403

Come midmorning the Beach was cool and quiet, the sun out, but the streets mostly empty, everyone still lazing in their beds, lulled by the quiet respiration of the waves and the general stupor of a Sunday morning.

>> No.6816418

>>6816403
Would read with conviction. 10/10.

>> No.6816420

>>6816260

sounds like it was written by a computer.

> "with one leg bent to a 90-degree angle and propped against the other"

is one of the most rendundant sentences ive ever read

>> No.6816424

>>6816418

thank you

>> No.6816433

>>6816403
>the general stupor of a Sunday morning.
This makes it. Nice

>> No.6816516

Darling, oh darlings you are out there. You are darling and you are out there rocking into the nights rocking loudly into the nights making lithely boned soft pretzels rock on galaxies of silk into the amnesiac nights.

>> No.6816523
File: 62 KB, 674x265, highway.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
6816523

What about closing sentences? I'm trying to style these two sentences to mimic the thrill of sitting in the back seat on an empty highway while the driver hits the pedal and keeps it there.

In the by and by you hopped by the highway's green and green, those quoins roping to wall and wall for the quarter-mile shore of climbing green and green wall by and by roping into lane where you vault by the blue whorl above and he turned by a "look behind" for the by -- he shunted your green eyes behind to the wall gestalt along that peaceful 60 mile-per-hour by -- how you loved that in the 3-year echo between the walls and your creek and your favorite breeze honeysuckling your eyes -- and the tires and trees could roll. Two planes crossed over and behind the car oh very high above, a breeze lavendered your eyes on a close, and cotton crucified a blue above.

>> No.6816575

>>6816516
this one girl I got her naked in my bed, then the next few days invited her over to hang again, she's like "ya" but doesn't come through, contacted her again and she's like "yes darling?" I say "you're a flake" and she's like "omg nooo I promise I make it up to you" and she never did, what a cunt.

anyway now darling sounds fake as fuck to me.

>> No.6816587

>>6816575
don't think that really changes the meaning of the line.

>> No.6816588

>>6812570
It was time.

>> No.6816800

>>6816588

Lel, shit.

>> No.6816866

The ocean breathes. It inhales and exhales; in and out and in again, each smooth retreat overcome by a measured flowing uphill in its turn. When you stand in the surf, the sea makes foot-hollows of the sand- and when you are gone, the sea sweeps them away with a sound like fine static.

In the summer of 200-, for a period of two weeks or so, the ocean spat.

I can't count

>> No.6816873

>>6813616
groot?

>> No.6816884

>>6816523
OMG this is the most beautiful thing I've read in weeks

>> No.6816897

I have AIDS.

>> No.6817472

>>6816884

glad you enjoy it though I only ran it through three revisions, and it largely feels superfluous now that I'm looking at it. The effect is somewhat there, but at cost of prolix. Thanks anyways though

>> No.6817509

First of all, I had no idea that it would kill me.

>> No.6817608

>>6816403
novel generator 2000, with 40% more smug verbs than novel generator 1998
>>6816575
>>6816516
stop it Mr creative writing 101

>> No.6817643

>>6815536

Interesting image, but the writing really falls apart, especially at the end.

> Also, as usual, my room looked like on of those "After" pictures of a bedroom, after a natural disaster hit some mid-western chipboard dump community, which my bedroom was actually inside a chipboard dump housing complex.

Just read that aloud.

>> No.6817653

>>6817643
I was just doing it for fun
what if I just get rid of that?

>> No.6817716

One day, you are drinking beers while talking to a friend. The other, you are trying to remove a bullet from your leg.

>> No.6817772

>>6817653

You don't necessarily need to lose the line, just tighten it.

Though cutting it and ending the paragraph with "80 mg tablets" would be good as well.

>> No.6817888

>>6817772
cool

>> No.6817898

It sounds as if the sun is slowing.

>> No.6817905

They would not let us because they said we would cry.

>> No.6817942

The day began with me sitting in my toilet and taking a massive shit. The day ended with me sitting in my toilet and sweating my arse to just take a shit. In fact, the whole day was spent on the bathroom, as I was with some sort of devilish diarrhea that day.

>> No.6818025

>>6812570
Vernons top button wouldn't stay closed

>> No.6818077

The putrid smell of the town was overwhelming, a mixture of burning flesh and aquatic corpses, the man could only but bare the stench through incense he purchased at a shop at the edge of the sea- faring place.

>> No.6818103

Look at me.

>> No.6818115

>>6816523
I really like this but I am a pleb

>> No.6818124
File: 99 KB, 300x100, yoiksandaway.gif [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
6818124

>>6812570
"My Dick, sometimes I think I worry him too much," said Maryjane, as she drew another deep breath and fetched another stick of Kit-Kat.

>> No.6818136

>>6818124
another another
>another another
another another

>> No.6818147

>>6818136
...it worked for gertrude stein...

>> No.6818162

>>6816523
A touch maudlin but effective. Beautiful stuff.

>> No.6818226

A man in a sky blue sweater appears on the stage of a dimly-lit meeting space at the JW Marriot in Washington D.C., pacing and gesturing with the ferocity of an angry teardrop. He is admired by local high school seniors and college students who are attending 'TEDxGeneration Now' -- and, as with the comportment of young children who have made a new playmate, they cheer and clap whenever his soliloquies on society reach a high note. The man hears the audience, pauses, faces them, and continues, "Every man has his code. A code is either a set of postulates he has established through modest and pained self-reflection, or a socially-engendered mandate that defines his being. The existence of these codes, too, is as apparent as one's physical aspects: a man is either a cracked pane or a mirror reflecting other mirrors into eternity. One's code is the differentiation between king and pawn, master and slave. These extreme dichotomies, where human interactions are involved, are intuitive truths. One is either a fatalist or a fighter -- there is no in-between."