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/lit/ - Literature

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6757182 No.6757182 [Reply] [Original]

ITT: Write the obituary you hope they use after you die

>Author Anon died after being hit by a car outside his Flagstaff home. He was 64 years old.
>Anon was a celebrated writer whose works included the poetry collection What They Brought Down From the Mountains, the short story collection Stubbed Toes Snubbed Nose, and his critically acclaimed novel-in-stories Angry Goes the Night
>Anon is survived by his wife Emily and their children Lydia and Nathanael

>> No.6757195

>>6757182
I don't give a shit, I'll be dead.

>> No.6757198
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6757198

>>6757182
>Lydia and Nathanael

>> No.6757206

I don't expect to have an obit. My pseudonym can be functionally immortal, who cares who I was?

>> No.6757207

>>6757182
>Local man found dead, apparently fallen from a tree. On his person a note was found which read: "Make like a tree and leave :^)". He was 27 years old.

>> No.6757208

>>6757182
>His family and friends will miss him very much.
That's all anyone can really hope for.

>> No.6757314

>Reviled author and national embarrassment Anon. A. Mous died early yesterday morning, much to the joy of his family, friends, and critics. Mr. Mous, age 19, died from a fatal ingestion of spoiled semen from an invalid tranny in a warehouse located in the meat packing district of New York City. He is survived by his boa constrictor and goldfish. His funeral is expected to take place this afternoon at 2pm and will be open casket. Tickets to piss in his dead face sold out almost immediately and are being scalped on eBay for up to $78. Attendees are asked to bring something for the potluck following the service.

>> No.6757337

>>6757182

> Pope Peter II died today, as did we all. In fact, we're all pretty much immortal now. Except for /r/atheism, who all were grabbed by the scrotum and lashed into hell where they were deemed a punishment of endless fellatio by animated scissors, rabid sharks, and Gabriel Garcia Marquez's left nipple.

> He is survived by none, and the rock returned to the well.

>> No.6757343
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6757343

>>6757314

>> No.6757344
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6757344

>>6757314
>Tickets to piss in his dead face sold out almost immediately and are being scalped on eBay for up to $78

>> No.6757383

>>6757182
>the furious writer of songs and harmony, Steven Evenson, ripped out his own throat in a shower of viscera early on Sunday morning. Steven howled at the morning mist and stood upon a floating barge of dreams, bellowing "this lake is my refuge, this lake my last hope" directly before painting the deed clean. He is survived by nobody, for nobody knew him intimate. His antics and memories go unrecorded.

>> No.6757600

>>6757195
booooo

>> No.6757610

/lit/ doesn't mean wannabes daydreaming about being remembered for things they haven't done and won't do

>> No.6757624

>>6757610
I'm afraid mine will be shittier than others' if I try, too, anon. Hold me.

>> No.6757633

>>6757610
that's what a lot of us do though

>> No.6757636

i've always liked the way sebald died, heart attack on the freeway which caused him to slam headon into a semi

having 2 causes of death is patrician

>> No.6757654

>>6757624
I've written real obituaries for print before so to me this thread is utterly ridiculous. Go daydream up some causes instead of some effects

>> No.6757676

>>6757182
>A young man found dead on outskirts of London
>Cannot be identified
>He shan't be remembered

>> No.6757709

>The world is in mourning at the death of anon, first chairman of the World Social Republic, who at age 118 peacefully passed away in his sleep this Wednesday morning. Considered one of the most brilliant and remarkable human beings ever to have lived, his historic accomplishments in the fields of literature, politics, and philosophy have lead the 21st century to be named "The Century of Anon" in popular culture. Across the globe flags are at half mast in memory of the man whose genius was instrumental in the victory of the Great Revolution and the establishment of the world communist administration, while his voluminous literary output both revitalised and revolutionised poetry and the English language with such an esteem, both popular and academic, that is now unmatched even by Shakespeare. The secrets of the once-controversial, now-mythologised myriad events of anon's life may go to the grave with him, but it is impossible to imagine any such person appearing in human history again.
>Anon is survived by zero children and a harem of nubile jailbait.

>> No.6757728

>>6757182
>author, painter, and former musician Hector Spaghetti was found dead in his decrepit tour bus early Saturday afternoon. Working since his disappearance two weeks prior, a search party stumbled upon the vehicle roughly 3 miles south of his Arizona home. In a grisly display, Hector reportedly smeared the bus with the blood of his enemies while wearing a cape of barbed-wire. The sands surrounding the bus now shift opposite of the wind's whipping and nearby cacti ooze tears of dreams unfulfilled. Inside the bus, Hector himself was found sitting with chin on open palm, mumbling nonsensical nursery rhymes that remind him of "a time in which simplicity seemed tangible." Though Hector is not technically dead, he was deemed so yesterday by the state, and long ago by the nation.

>> No.6757737

>

>> No.6757755

>>6757182
Here lies Anon, cold in his grave.
Ashes to ashes, like us all.


Oh wait that's an epitaph.

>> No.6757803

>>6757182
>Nathanael

>> No.6757820

2131: After 140 years gracing the planet with his presence, Anon has finally perished whilst sacrificing himself for the good of Mankind. Putting to shame such copycat stunts from Star Wars and Armageddon, Anon was last seen skydiving off the moon while fighting a lion wearing rollers cates as they both plumets into a volcano in order to save the world from the disastrous state of plate tectonics caused by the same-sex marriage ruling in the USA 116 years prior. Godspeed and goodnight, sweet prince.

>> No.6757832

>>6757820
Good ol' rollers cates

>> No.6758055

>>6757383
>>6757728
what's going on here

>> No.6758339

>previously abandoned by his loved one(s), Anon's body was found in the alley between Jimmie John's and the laundromat. He is thought to be beaten to death by a roving meth-addict that was later found gnawing on anon's laundromat card. This is still under investigation.
>Anon's pockets contained a mechanical pencil, shriveled straw wrappers, and a stickynote reminding him to buy milk.
>Anon is survived by his mother, though she still resents him for leaving her alone with Barry in upstate Indiana.
>Anon achieved little success, his crowning achievement being the time he got three eyebrow raises and one muffled cough during reading in his Intro to Creative Writing class.
>Anon will be missed for a little bit but eventually not so much

>> No.6759693

>>6757820
>as they both plumets

>> No.6759716

>anon died after a long night of drinking and fucking strippers
>he was intelligent, nihilistic and had a wicked sense of humor

>> No.6759776

>>6757207
Kek'd

>> No.6759830

>Anon found dead in McDonald's ball-pit.
>Funeral Monday
>Be there