A poem for you to critique

[Anonymous No.6426769]

Good afternoon /lit/. I wrote this poem yesterday and I'd really like to hear your opinions on it. I know you'll hate it most likely, but this is the internet, so I can take all of this with a grain of salt.

>pic unrelated

Here it is:


Do think my mind sees you when the eyes are closed.
Like a smile in shades of dust and icy vapors.
The constant clicking of the train.
And the broken glass liquid in your cheeks.

You don’t bleed.
Blue light wards off sleep.
And your leftover fingers all over soft faces.
Plastic guts.

Rubber skin.
I’ve worked on you for so long.
I’ve seen you grow in pieces.
Daylight won’t know us.

Lesser things will be ignored.
We will manage in the cold.
I tried to make you beautiful.
Made you like Eden in copper.

Made you so.
Made you so places that don’t want us
Can become unnecessary
And obsolete.

I hope your lights turn on.
I hope you’ll be better than those who made me.

[Anonymous No.6426946]

Here he comes
stalking through the double doors
every shot the sickness cured
I'll bet you never saw it coming
All until you heard the drop of his worry
Discarded fears, brought it on with all of your ice picks
Who cares that he cried if it made you feel a little better inside
Wonder why you died?

Don't say that it's in me
How long til I'm memory
How long til I never make another
A growth in the organs you loved
Poison the body and bury the life it lived
Hooked up to an IV and a bag of life
Live a life in a bed
Surrounded by your machines and doubt
Pour the shame it's bleeding me out

All I ever wanted was to live a life for you
Show the way to exist in our life for two
But it's cutting me out

Walking down below and he decided to jump
Collateral damage from 43 three stories up
Mundane to and from every day do it all correct
Until a drunk fuck decides it's your time to be laid to rest
All it took for him to go from an experience
to the next story on the news and a thought for mother to cry over

All I ever wanted was to live a life for you
Show the way to exist in our life for two
But it's cutting me out.

[Anonymous No.6426960]

So now it's all come to this
I had it, just one need and a wish
can you will you make it the truth
please stranger that's all I need of you.
Wind behind me and I'm tripping all over
it's too fast, so fast all the way down this metaphoric hill
and at the bottom is my meteoric fill.
or the news of the kill
Can you help it will you help it and what if you had no choice.
What if I turn this phone into a bomb and you'll never get to go home,
help it help me don't let this go,
stranger would you just kill the burden,
kill it for me, I just need you to drop the bottle in the bag and I'll be on my way.
Don't let it go off, don't let it go, it's keeping my feet in.
What is a job, is a protocol worth it all when I pull the trigger will you be glad you didn't heed me?
When I was above the stairs holding the door while they tried to claw their way back in were you there?
Were you able to see what I was?
At this risk of thinking that you'd care, what was it that brought you back?
I'm telling you it's a bomb if you would listen I'm showing you a calm you never knew
just please bring me back to safety.
I left to save you from myself. I left to save this from me.
I said I was okay but I never believed my own tales.