[ 3 / biz / cgl / ck / diy / fa / ic / jp / lit / sci / vr / vt ] [ index / top / reports ] [ become a patron ] [ status ]
2023-11: Warosu is now out of extended maintenance.

/lit/ - Literature

View post   
File: 26 KB, 480x640, dangies17.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
6370497 No.6370497 [Reply] [Original]

Hey /lit/. I'm that guy who keeps asking for help with his work. You can call me Dangies. I wrote something new, and was hoping for some feedback. I think my biggest issue aside from English language rule breaking is describing things elegantly. Anyway, hopefully some of you enjoy what I show and if not, possibly explain what I am doing wrong. Thank you!

Thirty paces from my backdoor towards the south-west puts you on a path I made. I used my fathers brand new machete to cut low hanging branches off the black spruce trees that grew densely here at the back corner of our yard. This path was made without any consideration as to what its purpose would be or to the trees who had their extremities sheared away, but the new machete had to be tested.

Reaching deeper into the forest greeted me with a faint sound of machines. I had driven past the soil-slinger machines and the dumptrucks that this landscaping company employed nearly every day for years on the way to school, but today was the first time I considered they made sound. Another twenty minutes of hacking away at spruce trees led me to the cliff, and abruptly put an end to my pathmaking. The cliff wasn't much of a cliff at all. A relatively steep but certainly not dangerous incline about fifteen feet down towards the dirt and machines.

From the end of my path I could see out into their work yard. Much louder I could distinctly make out the sound of grating machines refining their soil, keeping the rocks away from their product. If I had my glasses with me I reckon I could have made out the letters on the sign of my school. Surely this was the greatest view in Gormley.

There were a lot of men shoveling and moving the dirt around by hand. These men did not work for free, but they seemed to really enjoy what they did. I imagined all the worms in the dirt they displaced, and how they would cry as their homes were destroyed without (in their little minds) any rhyme or reason. These worms would be taken from their families sometimes and most times to never return. The lucky ones who were not sliced in half or in quarter by the men's sharp shovels would vow, and I'm sure of this, to make it back to their family.

>> No.6370509

>>6370497
Stop making threads with your goofy photos attached to them, you self indulgent, narcissistic turd. There is a critique thread going, it's been steady for the past two days. Post your garbage there, the content of your work does not warrant a seperate thread.

>> No.6370561

>>6370509
Sorry. I don't wish to come off as goofy. It bothers me you called my work garbage.

>> No.6370601

Stop posting your photo you retarded autist. Your "work" is mediocre, and anything posted on 4chan will appear medicore because of the layout and context.

>> No.6370677

>>6370601
How do I become something better than mediocre? I started writing about four days ago and want to become someone who can inspire.

>> No.6370745

>>6370677
Read a lot and write a lot. There's no magic formula.

>> No.6370756
File: 99 KB, 640x427, 1427981936726.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
6370756

>>6370561
>It bothers me you called my work garbage.

kek

>> No.6370789

>>6370497

It's trash.

Re-examine your motivations for writing, seriously.

>> No.6370796

>>6370745
I don't like to read too much. I've hardly read any books in my life. I didn't even read the ones we were supposed to in high school. I read the Harry Potter and Twilight series when I was younger though. I figure reading swell literature would make my own less original.

>>6370756
Haha. Now that I read back on what I said, that was pretty funny. What a pathetic thing for me to say. It doesn't bother me, in fact I was laughing. I tried to make a joke but failed.

Now I am reading what I have posted here, the work I wish to be critiqued, and noticing its flaws. I used a lot of filler words like 'really', and they *really* make my work look like shit. Perhaps if I remove them I will be received better here.

>> No.6371004

bump

>> No.6371134

>>6371004

holy shit dude you have to stop and stfu

sage in every field

>> No.6371355

This has potential. If you aren't trolling by saying you've only been writing for 4 days, then you should keep writing. You lack a high-end vocabulary it seems, but you do a wonderful job of making me feel like I am there.