/lit/ - Literature

[Anonymous No.6282612]

A well known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20 bill.
In the room of 200, he asked, “Who would like this $20 bill?”
Hands started going up. He said, “I am going to give this $20 bill to one of you - but first, let me do this.”
He proceeded to crumple the 20 dollar note up. He then asked “who still wants it”?” Still the hands were up in the air.
“Well, “he replied, “what if I do this?” He dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. “Now, who still wants it?”
Still the hands went in the air.
“My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20.
Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless; but no matter what happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value.
Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who love you. The worth of your lives come not in what we do or who we know, but by… WHO WE ARE!”

[Anonymous No.6282615]

It's actually determined by God's infinite love for us

[Anonymous No.6282618]

>>6282612
His name?
ALBERT EINSTEIN!!!

[Anonymous No.6282619]

;_;

[Anonymous No.6282630]

>>6282612
What if he rolled it up into a sausage shape and then inserted it in his anus? Would you still want it?

[Anonymous No.6282634]

Several minutes tick by in silence, when the 15 min. time almost expired the Marine gets up from his seat, approaches the speaker and punched him in the face knocking him off the platform and out cold. The Marine simply went back to his seat.

The speaker came to, visibly shaken and asked the Marine, “What the heck did you do that for?!”

The Marine said, “God was busy protecting America’s military who are out protecting your right to say stupid shit like that, so he sent me to fill in.”

[Anonymous No.6282638]

>>6282612
A well known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20 bill.
In the room of 200, he asked, “Who would like this $20 bill?”
Hands started going up. He said, “I am going to give this $20 bill to one of you - but first, let me do this.”
He proceeded to furiously master bate with the $20 wrapped around his cock. He then asked “who still wants it”?” Still the hands were up in the air.
“Well, “he replied, “what if I do this?” He crumpled it and shoved it into his ass. He picked it up, now brown and dirty. “Now, who still wants it?”
Still the hands went in the air. "well how about I do dis!!!1" he screeched in an autistic falsetto as he proceeded to cut himself with a razor and bleed openly onto the shit smeared currency.
“My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20.
Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless; but no matter what happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value.
Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who love you. The worth of your lives come not in what we do or who we know, but by… WHO WE ARE!”

[Anonymous No.6282640]

>>6282612
>The worth of your lives come not in what we do

this is pretty rich considering the this is describing the God famous for eternal punishment and who cursed humanity with eternal sin because of the actions of one ancestor.

[Anonymous No.6282647]

>>6282634
>The Marine said, “God was busy protecting America’s military who are out protecting your right to say stupid shit like that, so he sent me to fill in.”

gods messengers have bad grammar

[Muck P. Bulligan !!ryE2gEjGbpu No.6282652]

>>6282612
pomo capitalism got me fucked up

[Anonymous No.6282654]

Six -year-old Brandon decided one Saturday morning to fix his parents pancakes. He found a big bowl and spoon, pulled a chair to the counter, opened the cupboard and pulled out the heavy flour canister, spilling it on the floor.

He scooped some of the flour into the bowl with his hands, mixed in most of a cup of milk and added some sugar, leaving a floury trail on the floor which by now had a few tracks left by his kitten.

Brandon was covered with flour and getting frustrated. He wanted this to be something very good for Mom and Dad, but it was getting very bad.

He didn't know what to do next, whether to put it all into the oven or on the stove and he didn't know how the stove worked! Suddenly he saw his kitten licking from the bowl of mix and reached to push her away, knocking the egg carton to the floor. Frantically he tried to clean up this monumental mess but slipped on the eggs, getting his pajamas white and sticky.

And just then he saw Dad standing at the door. Big tears welled up in Brandon's eyes. All he'd wanted to do was something good, but he'd made a terrible mess. He was sure a scolding was coming, maybe even a spanking. But his father just watched him.

Then, walking through the mess, he picked up his crying son, hugged him and loved him, getting his own pajamas white and sticky in the process.

That's how God deals with us. We try to do something good in life, but it turns into a mess. Our marriage gets all sticky or we insult a friend, or we can't stand our job, or our health goes sour. Sometimes we just stand there in tears because we can't think of anything else to do. That's when God picks us up and loves us and forgives us, even though some of our mess gets all over Him.

Author unknown

[Anonymous No.6282658]

how quaintly protestant

[Anonymous No.6282659]

Right Hand! Français


2 frogs

Two frogs!

A group of frogs were traveling through the woods, and two of them fell into a deep pit. When the other frogs saw how deep the pit was, they told the two frogs that they were as good as dead. The two frogs ignored the comments and tried to jump up out of the pit with all their might. The other frogs kept telling them to stop, that they were as good as dead. Finally, one of the frogs took heed to what the other frogs were saying and gave up. He fell down and died.

The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Once again, the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die. He jumped even harder and finally made it out. When he got out, the other frogs said, "Did you not hear us?" The frog explained to them that he was deaf. He thought they were encouraging him the entire time.

This story teaches two lessons:

1. There is power of life and death in the tongue. An encouraging word to someone who is down can lift them up and help them make it through the day.

2. A destructive word to someone who is down can be what it takes to kill them.

Be careful of what you say. Speak life to those who cross your path. The power of words... it is sometimes hard to understand that an encouraging word can go such a long way. Anyone can speak words that tend to rob another of the spirit to continue in difficult times. Special is the individual who will take the time to encourage another.

[Anonymous No.6282663]

Bad Christian chain emails are the height of postmodern literature.

[Anonymous No.6282666]

The Man Who Loved Starfish!

A friend of ours was walking down a deserted Mexican beach at sunset. As he walked along, he began to see another man in the distance. As he grew nearer, he noticed that the local native kept leaning down, picking something up, and throwing it out into the water. Time and again, he kept hurling something out into the ocean.

As our friend approached even closer, he noticed that the man was picking up starfish that had washed up on the beach and, one at a time, was throwing them back into the water.

Our friend was puzzled. He approached the man and said, "Good evening, friend. I was wondering what you are doing?"

"I'm throwing these starfish back into the ocean. You see, it is low tide right now, and all of these starfish have washed up onto the shore. If I don't throw them back into the sea, they'll die from lack of oxygen."

"I understand," my friend replied, "but there must be thousands of starfish on this beach! You can't possibly get to all of them. There are simply too many! And don't you realize this is probably happening on hundreds of beaches all up and down this coast? Can't you see that you can't possibly make a difference?"

The local native smiled, bent down, and picked up yet another starfish and, as he threw it back into the sea, replied, "Made a difference to THAT one!"

[Anonymous No.6282669]

>>6282612
His name? Slavoj Zizek

[Anonymous No.6282670]

The Cocoon

A man found the cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared. He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress.

It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and could go no further. So the man decided to help the butterfly.

He took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings.

The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time. Neither happened!

In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly. What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were God's way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If God allowed us to go through our life without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as we could have been. And we could never fly. So have a nice day...and struggle a little!

Author Unknown

I asked for strength and God gave me difficulties to make me strong.
I asked for wisdom and God gave me problems to solve.
I asked for prosperity and God gave me a brain and brawn to work.
I asked for courage and God gave me danger to overcome.
I asked for love and God gave me troubled people to help.
I asked for favors and God gave me opportunities.
I received nothing I wanted and I received everything I needed.

"The surest sign that there is other intelligent life in the universe is that they've never tried to contact us."
Author Unknown

[Anonymous No.6282680]

>>6282666
>the devil has an interest in maritime preservation and natives
I hear you play a wicked violin too

[Anonymous No.6282682]

/lit/ - Literature and Grandma's Chainmail

[Anonymous No.6282684]

>>6282634

Why did the marine think that what he said was stupid?

[Anonymous No.6282686]

IMPORTANT RECALL NOTICE!
The maker of all human beings is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to the serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart. This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units.
This defect has been technically termed, 'Subsequential Internal Non-Morality,' or more commonly known as S-I-N, as it is primarily symptomized by loss of moral judgment. Some other symptoms:

(a) Loss of direction

(b) Foul vocal emissions

(c) Amnesia of origin

(d) Lack of peace and joy

(e) Selfish, or violent, behavior

(f) Depression or confusion in the mental component

(g) Fearful

(h) Idolatry

The manufacturer, who is neither liable or at fault for this defect, is providing factory authorized repair and service, free charge to correct this SIN defect. The number to call for the recall station in your area is: P-R-A-Y-E-R. Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN by pressing R-E-P-E-N-T-A-N-C-E.
Next, download J-E-S-U-S into the heart. No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, JESUS repair will replace it with:

(a) Love

(b) Joy

(c) Peace

(d) Long-suffering

(e) Gentleness

(f) Goodness

(g) Faith

(h) Meekness

(i) Temperance

Please see operating manual, HOLY BIBLE, for further details on the use of these fixes.
WARNING: Continuing to operate the human unit without correction, voids the manufacturer's warranty, exposing owner to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded.

For free emergency service, call on J-E-S-U-S

[Anonymous No.6282689]

>>6282670
And Verily the Lord said: "Fuck helping people. If he dies, he dies."

[Anonymous No.6282690]

>>6282684
It's a part from another copy pasta

[Anonymous No.6282693]

>>6282684
http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/marine-todd

I was just referencing another one of these.

[Anonymous No.6282697]

A young, fresh and cherry STEM student walks into the halls of a sterile English department with his head held high. Stern and with a proud heave, he bellows through the cavern at the beanie-sporters scattered through the hall:

" WHAT WOULD YOU RATHER STUDY, HEATHENS? "

Seven fragrant dreadlocked beards spew coffee from their continental gullets. Free-range hens shuffle out a window somewhere.

" WORDS ON A PAGE OR THE FUCKING COSMOS? "

An emergency evacuation is called. Afghan clogs stuff the exit. Native tears are shed. A triad of cauldrons full to brim with boiling kamquat loose their bellies with a fever on the frantic patrons all around. The shelves are raided. Looters stuffing oriental knapsacks leave no kitsch untouched.

From the roaring depths of chaos in the halls, through sheets of stirring fire: calm and rigid comes up looming in the haze a stoic English professor, tailored suit to keen perfection, forty thousand pages full of Marx and further reading in an unstained palm.

Expressionless, with firm phenomenologic hold on mind and body, he whispers to the STEM student, currently engaged in evil laughter:

" What would you rather study, child? "

The student is hushed. Voiceless. The man has snared his subjectivity entirely.

" Nature - or the nature of nature? "

Of an instant all the place is silent. In the corner, captive underneath the groins of several existential theists, one brave soul begins to clap. Soon the place is flooded with cheer.

The next day, all sciences were cancelled nationwide. The shells of disenfranchised rockets sheltered lonely bohemians everywhere. All was well.

[Anonymous No.6282707]

Do You See God?

One day a 6-year-old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy:

TEACHER: Tommy do you see the tree outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.

TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.

TEACHER: Did you see God?

TOMMY: No.

TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. He doesn't exist.
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions. The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy:

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?

TOMMY: Yes (getting tired of the questions by this time).

LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?

TOMMY: Yes

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?

TOMMY: Yes

LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?

TOMMY: No

LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she does not have one!

[Anonymous No.6282728]

It was announced that there will not be Christmas trees at the White house this year. They will be called Holiday Trees. Obama says this is no longer a Christian Country, it’s a country of many faiths. We as Americans must send the message to Obama that this Country was founded on Christian beliefs and we are STILL a Christian Country. Please re-post this and let’s stand up for CHRIST

[Anonymous No.6282731]

>>6282697
thank you

[Anonymous No.6282741]

[Anonymous No.6282751]

>>6282697
I really, really, really like this post.

[Anonymous No.6282758]

Barack Obama, at a recent rural elementary school assembly in South Carolina, asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence. Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.' Then, little Darrell, with a proud South Carolina drawl, pierced the quiet and said, ‘Well, dumb a--, stop clappin’!’

[Anonymous No.6282762]

>>6282612
False analogy.

[Anonymous No.6282763]

>>6282697
>kamquat

[Anonymous No.6282764]

I would actually have put my hand down after he started grinding it with his shoe.

What does this say about my self-esteem? ):

[Anonymous No.6282771]

I hate facebook because of this shit. I love the people in my life, but I hate that they feel this shit is in any way interesting enough to share to anyone other than as a joke.

[Anonymous No.6282772]

Stop using the abbreviation LOL
LOL stands for Lucifer Our Lord
Satanists end their prayers by saying
Lucifer Our Lord, in short LOL.
Every time you type LOL you
are endorsing Satan.
Do not use LOL ever again!
Keep Satan out of your life.
Share this advice to Christians.

[Anonymous No.6282778]

Can you give away your life 5 min by praying for the worlds smallest elephant. He is fighting for his life so please pray for him by liking & sharing this status

Thank you...

[Anonymous No.6282781]

Overheard at a grocery store by someone waiting in line behind a woman speaking on her cell phone in another language. After the woman hangs up He turns around and says to her;

Bigot: "I didn't want to say anything to you while you were on the phone but you're in America now, You need to speak English."

Oppressed Womyn: " Excuse me?"

Bigot: *very slow* "If you want to speak Mexican, go back to Mexico, In America we speak English!"

Oppressed Womyn: "Sir, I was speaking Navajo, if you want to speak English go back to England!"

All of a sudden it got so quiet you could hear a pin drop, then, slowly at first then all together, everyone in the grocery store started clapping. The bag boy dropped a $20 jar of pickled eggs directly onto an old woman's foot. The shameful bigot cried tried to repent his hateful ways but was cast out into the street where he was run over by a hybrid car.

[Anonymous No.6282783]

>>6282618
Underrated as fuck post.

[Anonymous No.6282790]

This is a genuine psychological test. It is a story about a girl.

While at the funeral of her own mother, she met a guy whom she did not know.

She thought this guy was amazing, so much her dream guy she believed him to be, that she fell in love with him there and then... A few days later, the girl killed her own sister.

Question: What is her motive in killing her sister?

DON'T Scroll down until you have thought what your own answer is to this question!!!!!

*Answer: She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again.

If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in this test and answered it correctly. If you didn't answer correctly - good for you. If your friends hit the jackpot, may I suggest that you keep your distance. (If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my distribution list...)

[Anonymous No.6282791]

>>6282697
>Free-range hens shuffle out a window somewhere
I lost it. 10/10 post.

[Anonymous No.6282802]

A reformed Eurocommunist post-Marxist New Leftist Frankfurt School professor and social democrat was teaching a class on Nikita Khrushchev, known revisionist.
"Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship Leon Trotsky as the most class conscious revolutionary of all time and accept the Fourth International as the only legitimate representative of the interests of the workers of the world!"

At this moment a brave, revolutionary, unreformed Stalinst NKVD veteran who had an appreciation for socialist realist art and read a chapter of Capital every night before going to sleep stood up and waved the red flag.

"If Trotsky was so great, why wasn’t the revolution permanent?"

The arrogant professor smirked quite bourgeoisly and smugly replied, “Because the Soviet Union was a deformed workers state, you idiot gerontocrat!”

"Wrong. Comrade Stalin purged Russia of the kulaks and all enemies of the workers. If your theory of revolution was correct, we would have achieved communism by now."

The professor was visibly shaken, and dropped his chalk and copy of A People’s History of the United States. He stormed out of the room crying social-fascist crocodile tears. There is no doubt that at this point our professor, Noam Chomsky, wished he had adopted the policies of the Third Period and become more than an infantile leftist bourgeois stooge. He wished so much that he had not betrayed the revolution, but he himself had sold it out!

The students applauded and all sang the State Anthem of the USSR and accepted Socialism in One Country as the best path forward for proletarian cause. The professor lost his tenure and was taken out back and shot the next day.

The student’s name?


Lavrentiy Beria.

[Anonymous No.6282805]

>>6282790
That psychologist's name?

Albert Einstein.

[Anonymous No.6282816]

>>6282778
>tfw he already has a bigger knob than you

[Anonymous No.6282817]

>>6282790
My answer was revenge.

[Anonymous No.6282820]

>>6282790
I've seen this on /lit/ before lel

[Anonymous No.6282835]

>>6282612
>lives come not in what we do or who we know, but by… WHO WE ARE!

Who are we but our actions? Doesn't this fly in the face of the maxim that it isn't what we say, but what we do which defines us?

This is some feel good bullshit right here.

[Anonymous No.6282842]

>>6282659
>the other frogs said, "Did you not hear us?" The frog explained to them that he was deaf. He thought they were encouraging him the entire time.
>the other frogs said, "Did you not hear us"
>The frog explained to them that he was deaf
>He thought they were encouraging him
>The other frogs said
>The frog explained he was deaf

[Anonymous No.6282854]

>>6282842
>frogs said

[Anonymous No.6282855]

A well known girl's school teacher started off his seminar by holding up a pouch of 20 Thaler.
In the room of 200, he asked, “Who would like this 20 Thaler?”
Hands started going up. He said, “I am going to give this 20 Thaler to one of you - but first, let me do this.”
He proceeded to spit in the pouch. He then asked “who still wants it”?” Still the hands were up in the air.
“Well, “he replied, “what if I do this?” He dropped his cigar on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up and dropped in the pouch. “Now, who still wants it?”
Still the hands went in the air.
“My dear moderns, you have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it because this money's value is sacred, a fixed idea. It was still worth 20 Thaler because it made itself corporeal through you.
Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless; but no matter what happened or what will happen, you are all nothing to me.
Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still my property to enjoy or dissolve at my own leisure. Prey you do the same with me. The worth of your lives come not in what we do or who we know, but by... our *einzige*.

[Anonymous No.6282859]

>>6282689
Anyone have that DFW greentext about him seeing a young man drowning and DFW stops a person from saving him because he "belongs to the sea now" or something like that?

[Anonymous No.6282877]

>>6282630
prolly
>>6282618
lik if u cry everytim
>>6282634
this gets me mad every time

[Anonymous No.6283001]

>>6282842
Have you never even met a lip-reading frog before?

Clearly the frog's frantic activity whilst trying to get out the hole and the relative distance, angle and cacophony of the other frogs at the rim of the hole prevented him from lip-reading effectively during that time. But when he was out and able to speak to them face-to-face, he could read their lips.

Noob.

[PoMo writer No.6283032]

>>6282634
Several minutes tick by in silence, when the 15 min. time almost expired the Marine gets up from his seat, approaches the speaker and punched him in the face knocking him off the platform and out cold. The Marine simply went back to his seat.

The speaker came to, visibly shaken and asked the Marine, “What the heck did you do that for?!”

The Marine said, “Don't you rember me fagot i was the one you loved but i didn't love you back and you wer sad and wanted to kill youself.”

The writer then laughed at the plot twist qui nobody could see it coming by

[Anonymous No.6283057]

[Anonymous No.6283069]

>>6282612

>you are still priceless to those who love you.

What if i'm totally alone and everyone despises me?

>>6282855

I like this better

[Anonymous No.6283087]

My God, pure ideology.

[Anonymous No.6283115]

>>6282612
The speaker's face became solomn, he reached under his podium and produced a fifth of whiskey, taking a big tug on it.

"Alright homos, now follow me."

He lead everyone out the back door, into an alleyway. Along it were homeless people, huddled together, some drinking out of brown bottles. One was pissing on another's passed out head. Another was smoking crack out of a pipe made out of crushed coke can.

"See these people?" he waved to them.

Everyone nodded.

"These are pieces of shit society has discarded, because they are in fact worthless. They'll all die out here, and nobody will give a shit."

The audience looked at each other questioningly.

"Now, I'm going to pay one of them that dirty, crumpled up twenty for a blowjob. You can watch if you want, otherwise seminar is over."

[Anonymous No.6283133]

>>6282612
>SO WHO GOT THE 20 DOLLARS IN THE END?!

Don't leave us hanging op, finish the damn story.

[Anonymous No.6283180]

>>6282618
gb2reddit