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/lit/ - Literature

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6143753 No.6143753[DELETED]  [Reply] [Original]

Alright /lit/, I fucked up.

Last night I was out at the bar and was talking to a real qt3.14. I was blackout drunk. The last thing I remember was her asking me if I was a writer, and I told her I had written a book.

I wake up this morning, she evidently gave me her number and wants to go on a couple dates, but more importantly she wants to read my book.

The problem is obviously I haven't written a book, because I am a ginormous faggot.

What the fuck should I do? I was thinking about just ripping a PDFof some obscure NYRB book and slapping my name on it, but that feels like it could backfire.

>> No.6143759

write a book
it's the only way

>> No.6143764

>>6143759
That was actually my first idea, which is why I chose the pic (Stephen King could probably shit out a book in a week). We are going out Friday, how the hell am I supposed to write a book before then?

>> No.6143765

>>6143753
Is she a genre cunt?
If so just copypast some Wallace novel or something.

>> No.6143768

You should just take some old classic and put your name on it for the lulz, just to see if she suspects anything.

>> No.6143772

>>6143765
From what I remember, she is actually pretty patrician.She mentioned she like Philip Roth and Don DeLillo. She hasn't read Gaddis though, so I almost didn't want to sleep with her.

>> No.6143783
File: 14 KB, 888x72, I don't even know how to read. I pay an Ethiopian man five dollars a day to shitpost on 4chan for me.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
6143783

>>6143753
>Oh fuck, did I say that? Jesus, drunk me must have really wanted to impress you, haha.
lying is a sin and you should hate yourself

>> No.6143786
File: 93 KB, 785x513, kiev book club.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
6143786

>>6143764
http://www.wetasphalt.com/?q=content/how-write-book-three-days-lessons-michael-moorcock

>> No.6143787

>>6143772
Doesn't sound too patrician. Go with >>6143768 and copypast something a little older, like Henry James or something.

>> No.6143788
File: 174 KB, 421x506, 1402826042534.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
6143788

>>6143783

>that pic

>> No.6143789

>>6143783
Obviously I already hate myself, I'm on fucking /lit/ >>6143786
Thank you, looks like I'm going to have to write a book finally.

>> No.6143799

>>6143789
He would churn out 20,000 words a day. You could do half that amount. Novellas are "books."

>> No.6143800

>>6143753
Just tell her you were blackout drunk and saying dumb stuff and haven't actually finished your book

I find it highly unlikely that she gave you her number because she's some sort of literary gold-digger

>> No.6143807

Just pretend it never happened

>> No.6143808

>>6143789
But OP, your writing legacy will forever be 'it started when I got drunk and tried to impress a cunt so I had to scribble crap in three days against my desire.'

>> No.6143810

>>6143800

>because she's some sort of literary gold-digger

Is it weird that i'm hoping to find a relatively attractive female that is a literary gold digger and that she will want my penis for my writing?

>> No.6143821

>>6143808
>implying that's not fucking great

>> No.6143830

>>6143808
Honestly, that would be fucking hilarious.

>> No.6143831

>>6143810
It's kinda weird, but not that weird

kinda like a rocker who learns guitars to bang groupies I guess

>> No.6143834

tell her you wrote loptiat

>> No.6143869

>>6143786
>How to write formulaic genre fiction in three days.
Guess I'll be staying bookless.

>> No.6143879

>>6143869
Beggars can't be choosers.

>> No.6143882

>>6143764
fucking do it. DO. IT. base it on short stories you might have done at some point. rip off someone else if you must. but write it yourself. you make it 80 pages in word, put it onto a smaller format, use a wide font, bam 150 pages, done.

10-20 pages a day

seriously how fucking dope is that

this is your moment

for the rest of you will have to live with being either the S1CK CUNT who pumped out a novella in less than seven days or the twat that told a gril he's a le writer and then hid from her

this is the shit you can tell your grandchildren

this is the shit you can tell your bros or on a talkshow (who knows rite) and make everyone's jaw drop in awe

DO IT FAGGOT

>> No.6143888

>>6143882

damn, this is inspiring as fuck. My mind dick grew three inches just reading that.

Thank you, I'm going to sit down and write a god damn book.

>> No.6143889

>>6143869

>wants a guide on how to write stellar literary fiction in three days

good luck

>> No.6143893

>>6143888

don't forget to share it on /lit/ after finishing it.

I BELIEVE IN YOU ANON! GODSPEED!

>> No.6143896

Dang, I think I'll write an awful formula genre novel instead of waffling about on 'serious' work

>> No.6143897

Give her a copy of The Legacy of Totalitarianism in a Tundra

>> No.6143899

>>6143882
OP i think a consensus is emerging
fucking do it

>> No.6143900

>>6143753
Write an essay collection, OP. It's popular within the publihsing industry this day (so says the guy who made a "ask a literary agent anything", and he was pretty competent). With some motivation you could wrote up to ten five or six pages long essays. Read from various sources (on the top of my head: Plato, Aristotltes, Descartes, Hume, Kant, Nietzsche, Hegel, Miller, Melville, Borges, Dante, Goethe, Cicero, Montaigne, Pascal, Augustine, Macluhan will have generally clear and well-written arguments -or sexy ramblings for some, which provides humor and variety- on a bit of everything to put things in perspective and feed your thought). Have an humorous and creative take on contemporary subjects.

>> No.6143907
File: 65 KB, 640x290, leo_gatsby.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
6143907

>>6143888
HELLZ YEAH

>> No.6143911

>>6143888
Do it OP. But make it 50 pages instead of 80, then inflate it to 80-90. That will be enough and you can focus on clarity and quality.

>> No.6143917

Yeah man, you can do it! Just dedicate your next week to this goal and it could pay back so many dividends!

>> No.6143924

>>6143882
>>6143888
>>6143907
twist: somehow have the story relate to your situation. if it's actually decent and you're feeling good about it end with "hope you enjoyed it, only had seven days :^)"

she'll be deep throating you before you even arrive

>> No.6143927

>>6143753
"I was blackout drunk and I totally never wrote a book, but i can tell you all about the Greeks."

>> No.6143928

>>6143900
I've read all of those except McLuhan, never heard of him. Thanks for the idea, I think I'm going to go for a book first.

>> No.6143936

>>6143927
"I'd let you read my book, but it's written in Latin and I won't allow translations."

>> No.6143954

>>6143936
"That's ok anon, i graduated classics with full honours"

>> No.6143966

Look OP, I'll give you the only answer that isn't shit.

Tell her you don't want her to see it because it's too personal and you'd feel embarrassed. Now you have leverage over her and she's still interested. Now you don't even have to deal with the issue now, either own up later or fake some shit or actually write a manuscript. Easy.

>> No.6143968

>>6143888
good luck

>> No.6143995

>>6143954
I got hard just thinking about a woman saying that to me.

>> No.6144005

this is easy op. you cant let anyone see your work before its done. you cant let some silly girl in on your creative process.

>> No.6144009

If someone embellished their accomplishments because they wanted to impress me, I'd be flattered.
If someone tricked me into reading some obscure, plagiarised piece of shit because they were too scared to admit they said something dumb and funny, I'd avoid throwing good time after bad and bail.
If someone lied to me that they wrote a book and then actually wrote a fucking book before meeting up with me a week later... well... Just do it, OP.

>> No.6144012

>>6144005
I'm pretty sure I told her it was finished and I was working on publishers lol.

>> No.6144014

>>6144005
nvm i thought you said you were WRITING a book. nvm just keep stalling then and hope you get to fuck her first before she figures you out.

>> No.6144028

>>6144009
This.

I'm a straight guy and I'd be deepthroating a guy if he wrote me a decent book in 7 days trying to impress me.

No homo.

>> No.6144031

>>6143924
Thats a great way to fuck it up, dick head. Life isn't a romcom

>> No.6144048

>>6144028
>I'm a straight guy and I'd be deepthroating a guy if he wrote me a decent book in 7 days trying to impress me.

yeah but you're not a girl. if a girl found out you spent hours and hours writing some book just to impress them after meeting once they would think you were pathetic and "creepy"

>> No.6144051

>>6144031
It all depens on whether she likes the book or not.

>> No.6144054
File: 95 KB, 640x480, SHAMEFURDISPRAY.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
6144054

>>6144031
sorry, i let myself get carried away

>> No.6144056

>>6143753
>Tfw 30 years from now OP is a literary legend because he got drunk and lied to a bar skank and that lie started his career

Do it op.

>> No.6144058

>>6144048
it depends either way. could go bad. could go really really well. only 1 way 2 find outtt

>> No.6144061

>>6144048

also not a girl but I'd be pretty impressed if the book was good

then the op can claim the girl is his muse

what little girl doesn't grow up dreaming of becoming Nora Barnacle

>> No.6144064

>>6144048

Only if she doesn't find him physically attractive.

>> No.6144067

>>6143924
>She'll be deepthroating you

>>>/d/

>> No.6144079

>>6144064
That's the golden rule.

>> No.6144080
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6144080

>>6143753
make it a fucking loop

write about the events leading to your encounter with her or something and at the end finish by something like
"well, now I have to write a book"

>> No.6144090

>>6143753

Say you really wrote In a Tundra but are too ashamed to admit publicly you wrote it.

>> No.6144097

>>6143897
this

>> No.6144100

>>6144080

this

if you can't physically fuck her

mind fuck her

>> No.6144107

>>6144090
>>6143897

See, I'd kind of rather have some shitty thing that I wrote than In a Tundra. Plus I only contributed to the third one, and that was just making the cover. Idk why I feel more morally okay with stealing a real authors work than LoTiaT.

>> No.6144110

>>6143753
Give her a txt. file of any science fiction novel ... all those steaming piles read like they were written by an 8th grader.

>> No.6144128

>>6144107
I'm guessing you have some pride in yourself. I'm a neet douchebag with no friends, yet I still wouldn't proclaim responsibility for TLOT even if it meant I could be an 'author'

Also if I may offer a suggestion? Just sit at the keyboard and bang out the most prose-heavy, psychedelic shit you can think of. Unconventional plot, pacing and imagery. If she calls it shit tell her she wouldn't understand until she's been through what you've been through.

Maybe tell her it's too deep for her.

>> No.6144130

>>6143995

actual keks

>> No.6144131

>>6144110
I was actually going to print something out and design a cover. Make it seem more legit, you know?

>> No.6144134

>>6144128
I like it, that's probably what it's going to end up being.

>> No.6144136

>>6144131

someone make a real good one for this fella

>> No.6144138

>>6143753
>not expediting a copy of TLOTIAT right now

>> No.6144148

>>6144138

>not writing out the lyrics of ITAOTS

>> No.6144156

>>6144136
This guy's already a cover-design genius. He did the cover for Kolsti's Everglades Adventure.

>> No.6144175
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6144175

>>6143888
natch, godspeed anon

>> No.6144217

>>6143753

I'll throw you a bone.

A trashy girl moves to a nudist colony to escape her coke dealer ex. She is initially disgusted but learns from these nudists and becomes a better person.

Act 1 (20-30 pages) - Girl moves to the colony, through her conversations with people on the train there she reveals her past, though she is an unreliable narrator and makes herself look better as well as her story being inconsistent.

Act 2 (30-50 pages) - Girl reaches nudist colony. She interacts with a few people and is generally angsty.

Act 3 (20-30 pages) - Her ex arrives and the nudists protect her (not violently, just hide her). She learns her lesson and becomes an integral member of society.

Write 2000 words a day and you'll be done in two weeks.

>> No.6144286

>>6144217
Hmm, it doesn't seem like my thing. I was thinking something more like Stoner.

>> No.6144333

>>6143966
underrated post

>> No.6144344

>>6144333
>underrating your own post

>> No.6144348
File: 15 KB, 443x169, witchcraft.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
6144348

>>6144344
>tfw
what the fuck?

>> No.6144358

>>6143888
YOU FUCKING DO IT
YOU WRITE THAT FUCKING BOOK
YOU POST IT HERE
AND WHILE WE SHITPOST ABOUT IT
YOU'LL BE FUCKING HER BRAINS OUT
YOU GO ANON

>> No.6144372
File: 632 KB, 714x608, 1395273232105.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
6144372

>>6144358
>projecting this hard

>> No.6144373

>>6143753
1. write a short story
2. tell her "oh, haha, i was really drunk, its not finished yet, and its a short story collection"
3. show her the short story if she persists

>> No.6144387

Why don't you just tell her you lied because you were drunk and awkward?
Is your life a sitcom?

>> No.6144391

>>6143764

Scrivener or one of those other writers print it out in a manuscript form with like double spacing, so 20,000 words ends up being like a 130 pages or something. It will look totally legit aside from the fact that a real book should be like 50,000 words. She'll never realize though. Just double line space in Word.

>> No.6144396

>>6144372
what?

>> No.6144397

>>6144387
>sitcom
This is a good thing, OP. Write a story of a guy passing by the same situation that you are.

>> No.6144400

I've done something like this, OP. Written all day and night. I knocked out 35,000 words in three days. I type 75 words a minute, so a thousands words is less than 15 minutes. I just ignored all my perfectionist urges to rewrite constantly and just banged it out and then went once over afterward to improve it. It was just for my grandma who was getting annoyed with me for not having finished a novel. I guess cause she's old and wants to read my book before she dies.

>> No.6144427

You know what OP?
Even if you don't manage to write a book, I'll write (or at least try) about this, just for the sake of it.
Not sure if doing it with Friday as the deadline.
Anyway, good luck OP!

>> No.6144432

>>6144372
I'm just trying to get him pumped...

>> No.6144433

>>6144432
It's okay anon-kun, we all got it.

>> No.6144614

>>6144358
>>6144432
I'M PUMPED ANON, THANK YOU

Honestly, thanks everyone for telling me not to be a faggot and backing out. Currently on page 5!

>> No.6144717
File: 1.60 MB, 320x180, MarathonWaterBreak.gif [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
6144717

>>6144614
YOU CAN DO IT. WRITING MARATHON

>> No.6144764

I tell people I published a book, but that I want to remain anonymous.

It's Tundra of course

>> No.6144841

Write a book as fast as you can.

Maybe 20 years after you die people will think it's genius.

>> No.6144875

>>6144841

Isn't that the dream for all of our shit?

>> No.6144950

>>6143808
You say that like it's a bad thing.

>> No.6144965

>>6144064
>ugly fug detected

>> No.6144971

>>6143808
Whatever motivates you man. Does it matter what the cause is?

>> No.6145180

>>6143753
Just say the truth, stupid. But think about actually writing a book or short stories before you meet her...if you actually describe a project you're having and if maybe you've started working on it, it will pass better than just a guy who pretended he had a book already.

>> No.6145188

>>6143753
well you started the relationship with a lie, just go further with it
you wrote a book, but under a pen name, because you greatly dislike fame and people, and thats why she should stfu about it and tell nobody, thats your shared secret.

ask her about her secrets.

>> No.6145367

>>6145188

How I imagine this conversation going:

"Hey anon, did you bring a copy of your book for me to read"

"uh, no, I uh, changed my mind."

"Oh, why?"

"t-t-tell me your secrets"

>> No.6145392

>>6145367
lol

>> No.6145397

Just lie lie lie until it becomes impossible to maintain and then stop answering her messages. I lied about almost everything to my last girlfriend and the relationship lasted six months before I got tired of it.

>> No.6145408

>>6145397
wow yeah lol what a terrific person you are.

>> No.6145426

>>6145397
Eh, I don't like lying if I can avoid it. Except when blackout drunk, evidently.

>> No.6145441

>>6143808
If only I could've started my writing career like that..
>tfw no writing career

>> No.6146246

This thread reminds me of that one book about a guy who gets high and writes a novel to spite his ex, because she's getting married and he hasn't moved on.

"How I Became a Famous Novelist," I think.

>> No.6146269

>>6143753
>The problem is obviously I haven't written a book, because I am a ginormous faggot.
You lied. Face the consequences, you're no Frank Underwood.

>> No.6146270

>>6146246
How I Became An Infamous Novelist would've probably been a better title.

>> No.6146275

>>6144080
this
your story is gr8 material

>> No.6146281

>>6143753
Now you have to. Write a novella. You can do it in a week if you write 2 - 4k words a day.

>> No.6146302

>>6143753
send her a copy of either /lit/ books

this is the ultimate meaning of these books

>> No.6146368

>>6146281

Currently on 8,000 words. Purple prose as fuck, but idgaf. I unironically used the word whimsical. (but somehow I am actually feeling proud about this)

>> No.6146392

>>6146368
>whimsical
>purple
You don't read much, do you?

Also, post an excerpt.

>> No.6146396

>>6144080
Yep, this is the way to do it, OP.
This is a golden opportunity to present yourself as whatever you want to be.