/lit/ - Literature

[Bucephalus No.5926784]

Critique the opening bit of a science fiction novel I'm writing. Be mean, be nice, whatever. Yeah I know writing a novel, much less a science fiction novel, is pretentious but fuck it:

At the time these events came to pass I had no understanding of them, let alone of their significance. Some may call it fate, others damn fool chance, but either way the Leavetakings have left their mark upon me. The first ships launched the year of my birth, beginning the standard two year cycle we now know. For a child all this was peripheral, noise beyond the far side of attention. Yes, I remember the frantic news, the competition, the worry, the eventual violence, but it did not concern me. The grace of youth disparages all but the most immediate dangers; long term survival is not a possible conception then. I suppose I am the last of the First now, may Waheguru forgive me. So many others deserved to live, not me.

[Anonymous No.5926794]

Yup, it's a little pretentious. There's nothing wrong with that.

I do hope "Leavetakings" is a placeholder, that is pretty awful. I'm sure you could come up with a better name than that.

[Anonymous No.5926797]

You remember the frantic news and worry from when you were born?

[Anonymous No.5926798]

>>5926784
>6/10 would read second paragraph

[Anonymous No.5926876]

>>5926784
Pretty decent. You use two many commas though. Every single sentence has one. Its an amateur mistake. We like to put commas where we want a break in the sentence if we were reading it aloud, but you should put some variety in there. Some longer sentences, others short. If not it reads kind monotonous

[Anonymous No.5926888]

>>5926784
>Some may call it fate, others damn fool chance, but either way the Leavetakings have left their mark upon me.

Either fix the term or don't introduce it until we have more information. Coming out of nowhere with a name as specific as "Leavetakings" is jarring, almost makes you want to cringe. Maybe use "them" or "the incidents"?

Its not bad. A bit too expected maybe? I don't read sci-fi much but I could swear that this kind of opening is rather common. Then again, I don't know your story. Giving us a single paragraph gives us a lot of ability to nitpick when in the grand scheme of things, having a common opening isn't much of a problem.

[Anonymous No.5927414]

>>5926888

"Them" is such a joke already, using it just instantly destroys all credibility.
Not saying that using nonsensical terms is any better.

[Anonymous No.5927426]

Trite prose, the first sentence is a fucking mess, the story is probably riddled with cliches from this point on, failed to grab my attention at all, 3/10, would not ever consider reading the rest.

[Anonymous No.5927428]

>>5926797
I remember the collapse of the Soviet Union, which was a significant event that probably occurred when I was two or three.

[Anonymous No.5927436]

>>5926888
>Coming out of nowhere with a name as specific as "Leavetakings" is jarring
It's common in Sci-fi. Leavetakings is a bit rough, and would be better replaced with a common word people were familiar with (like 'Exodus' or 'Diaspora') but not too far outside the realms of credibility.

[Anonymous No.5927440]

>>5926784
By standards of genre fiction it's alright in terms of style and cliche, but it's not nearly gripping enough. Anyone who picks it up for a quick excerpt at the bookstore is going to set it back.

[Anonymous No.5927647]

>>5926784
Congrats, you're not totally shit.
Depending on my mood, I would actually continue to read.
6/10, that's pretty good for SciFi.

[Anonymous No.5929017]

>>5926784
10,000 Gays.

[Anonymous No.5929024]

>>5926784
>I suppose I am the last of the First now, may Waheguru forgive me. So many others deserved to live, not me.