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/lit/ - Literature

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5883571 No.5883571 [Reply] [Original]

Write the worst opening lines you can think of.

>> No.5883580

"One day you'll get tired, and want to give up-", were the last words to slip from my grandmother's mouth.

>> No.5883584 [DELETED] 

"You don't get to bring friends," he said with his hands to his belt and a shit-eating across his face.

>> No.5883587

"You don't get to bring friends," he said with his hands to his belt and a shit-eating grin across his face.

>> No.5883590

>>5883584
>a shit-eating across his face
I'd read this. A face-eating piece of shit.

>> No.5883595

>>5883590

that would be a hilarious horror movie villain

>> No.5883659

The late afternoon sky was the colour of morning's first piss when Flint Stag roused on the veranda, accepting that his NT Draught had tipped and spilled its guts as soon as he registered it with the spiritual calm of a zen master

>> No.5883664

Silly human, I thought, as I chuckled into my trenchcoat, I have no use for thee.

>> No.5883675

I was drooling on my desk, and the teacher snapped me awake by him calling on me, "What was the meaning of Plato's Dialogues"

I win.

>> No.5883722

Knock knock. I heard the door knocking. A closed fist rapped its knuckles on the door and made that quintessential sound of bone on wood.

>> No.5883743
File: 89 KB, 1050x1005, 1410208583742.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
5883743

>and it's a story that might bore you, but you don't have to listen, because I always knew it was going to be like that.

>> No.5883749

>>5883571
By the time I realized the truth it was too late.

>> No.5883760
File: 453 KB, 603x709, mfw.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
5883760

"It was languid curiosity which first brought Stephen Jones to Roger's Museum."

>> No.5883761

B screaming comes across the sky

>> No.5883766

>>5883743
>>5883760
I meant OC but I guess that's fine too

>> No.5883768

He got out of bed

>> No.5883770

Hey girl, are you from UPS? Cuz I saw ya checkin' out my package.

>> No.5883772

>>5883571
Brrrrriiiiiiing brrrriiiiiing brrrriiiiiing bringed Jack's alarm clock, waking him up on the most fate full day of his life, a day that he thought would be like any other day but turned out to change everything.

>> No.5883774

He never sleeps, the judge. He is dancing, dancing. He says that he will never die.

Just wrote it you like?!

>> No.5883776

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife

>> No.5883783
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5883783

>>5883776
I threw up in my mouth a little bit.

>> No.5883784
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5883784

This is a manuscript left by X.

>> No.5883790

>>5883783
Oscar Wilde doesn't care what you think of him.

>> No.5883800

1. Remove seal from envelope
2. Tear crease from left side of envelope
3. Open envelope

>> No.5883801

>>5883571
The End.

>> No.5883803

>>5883776
go away

>> No.5883813

On an exceptionally hot evening early in July a young man came out of the garret in which he lodged in S. Place and walked slowly, as though in hesitation, towards K. bridge.

>> No.5883844

As I participated in the daily honoring of Michael Brown (the catalyst for starting the United Cuckold States of America) I noticed something strange. Strange enough for me to keep my head away from everyone else jerking off on the statue of Michael Brown (although not strange enough for me to stop stroking my 2 inch erect penis). I saw a dog fucking a cat.

>> No.5883851
File: 55 KB, 166x197, bane1.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
5883851

>>5883587
>shit-eating grin
"Girl's gotta eat".
>>5883571
It was a dark and stormy night.

>> No.5883856

>>5883571
It was a dark and stormy night and when the wind blew it made the house creak.

>> No.5883860

>>5883571
"Any dialogue"

>> No.5883870

>>5883587
>shit-eating grin
So cliche.

>> No.5883887

>>5883844
I honestly don't even see who this is mocking. Is it supposed to make fun of uber-conservatives, writing a 1984 feature in which Michael Brown is worshiped as a martyr in some dystopian future? Or is it just really unfunny?

>> No.5884722
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5884722

Suddenly the time was ripe for the curved sickle of his manhood to reap the sweaty harvest of her golden love triangle.

>> No.5884727

>>5884722
he said worst,
not best ;p

>> No.5885440

>>5884722
>Suddenly the time was ripe for the curved sickle of his manhood to reap the sweaty harvest of her golden love triangle.
this is shit

>> No.5885488

Dennisov was a young handsome man from the province of K.

>> No.5885495

>>5884727
;p

>> No.5885499

>>5884722
i have a slight curve bulging out of one side of my dick, it's annoying hoes always ask me if i jack off a lot when they play with it, and i do indeed, but that's now why it has that curve, it was always like that and i wack it left handed anyways so i can use the mouse

>> No.5885513
File: 160 KB, 749x578, 1375674205357.gif [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
5885513

>>5885499
>tfw a one night stand told me i had a good looking dick

>> No.5885528

>>5884722
>>5884727
>>5885495
same fag

>> No.5885540

>>5885513
i had that once, they wanted to take a fucking picture of it, like wow this thing is fucking hot! i was like uhh umm could u like not do that please

>> No.5885548

>>5883571
“Writing is hard, okay?” Viktor Hugo whined"

>> No.5885565

>>5885540
fag

>> No.5885568

Phuc Stevenson was a postman in Mansfield, a suburb of Dallas. Understand now that postman is a joke, a play on “post-man,” implying either that Phuc somehow transcends humanity or that he’s the quintessence of postmodernity. Whatever it means, he definitely has nothing to do with the mail [commentary on privatization of postal service in America and neoconservatism because such commentaries are too unabashedly earnest for someone too young to remember 9/11 to make] or stamps or Thomas Pynchon. Phuc decided last month while snapchatting underage girls dick pics under the alias Dylan (he thought to use Phil because of his name or Fred because of phonetics but those are some pedo as fuck names (I guess 16 isn’t even pedo it’s more ephebo and half of Europe is cool with it (not that non-Euro countries can’t be good examples of reasonable sex policies, not being ethnocentric (no fuck that Thailand has no business being like that (reverse privilege Phuc is Asian (no shit, his name is Phuc) so I can say that (though I (the defictionalized author) am only half so I/he can write/think that))))) that the whole affectation/sincerity thing dominating the arts is stupid since the opposite of affectation would more accurately be isolation, as affectation is inherent to socialization, or perhaps even suicide, as it’s sort of inherent to existence (unless you’re retarded or senile or David Foster Wallace (scratch that last one he killed himself (as you know :^) hehelololkekekeakguaholmjrgimt); I think I’m/he’s on to something)). As problematic (this is only half-ironic because on the one hand fuck university liberals (university being a modifier (the non-tenured variety are fine (privilege check: of course I think that I am one))) but foregoing fitting diction to avoid tumblr liberal (there are so many varieties (latte leftist, limousine liberal and microblog (cultural) Marxist (which is really just tumblr liberal with more Joyce points) round out the alliterative subset)) connotations is insincere as hell (irony of using affected po-mo down-to-earth colloquialisms (“…as hell”) when chastising insincerity noted)) as affectation as a concept is, sincerity is even more so, as Phuc realized fourteen pages into his Sonic the Hedgehog fanfic he jokingly wrote, because with intention (fuck you determinists I’m not going eight parentheticals deep to temper that term) comes an inherent sincerity.

>> No.5885596

>>5885565
u jelly bro? its not my fault jesus christ blessed me with an aesthetically pleasing penis

>> No.5885610

>>5885440
>>>5884722
>>Suddenly the time was ripe for the curved sickle of his manhood to reap the sweaty harvest of her golden love triangle.
>>this is shit
>this is post

>> No.5885611

All I wanted in life was a woman to beat me.

>> No.5885642

>>5883790
wat?

>> No.5885646

Once upon a time Clara did not know she was princess until one fateful morning when it was told to her quickly by a passing knight.
"your a princess that I have seen before" he said quickly as he rode past the farm on his horse.

>> No.5885650
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5885650

>>5883776
damn I can never see this one without raging
that stupid fucking bitch

>> No.5885666

>>5885650
pleb spotted, eh eh eh

>> No.5885703

"Through out the history of human civilization humans have pondered the question of ..."

"Once upon a time ..."

>> No.5885718

"The tower it contains an evil lord but also it contains a princess that you will save, " said Derrick, and my God! I will later learn it was true!

>> No.5885742

>>5885650
Relaxe grand wizard.

>> No.5885749

>>5885642
>It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife
Honestly, I thought it was from the importance of being earnest.

>> No.5885767

>>5885666
>>5885742
>3 people reply
>only I get shit because of my comment
whatever I think I'll stick to my opinion, it really has been a horrible read
>>5885742
I'm only an apprentice btw :^)

>> No.5885769

These are pretty bad but not laughably bad.

I'm disappointed, /lit/.

>> No.5885772

This is the beginning of a novel that I wrote.

>> No.5885783

>>5885772
This is the beginning of a novel that I wrote. Welcome to my novel. Oh, I tell you, it's gonna be great. We are gonna have so much fun. I can't even begin to tell you--all this shit happened to me--oh god. So anyway, let's get down to it. Here we go. The novel is about to start now, the novel that I wrote.

>> No.5885787

ey lol

>> No.5885788

>>5883587

It's

"Uh, You don't get to bring friends"

Please don't forget the "Uh"

Love, /tv/

>> No.5885789

>>5885772
Very self-conscious
Pretty po-mo
I like it

>> No.5885796

>>5885788
I want you to be my editor. We can do this, together.

>> No.5885800

>>5885769
I have some from my theatre major roommate.

This is from something called "our tIme". The 'I' is capitalized in the title and a larger font.

>Lights up on darkness. Somewhere in the sea of pitch the Theme rings out, it is the alarm from an iPod.

>> No.5885848

Another repetitive day in my cubicle, and but so another few dollars short of what I deserve in my pocket thought John as he put on his boring grey suit.

>> No.5885854

No one knows what I go through.

>> No.5885856

Author here. Meaning the real author, the living human holding the pencil, not some abstract narrative persona.

>> No.5885932
File: 2.96 MB, 640x356, BartonFink.webm [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
5885932

>>5883571
Anon, can we just be friends...

>>5883801

>> No.5885936

Throwback-D's blood and cum stained the bathroom tiles like Mohawk war paint.

>> No.5885982

There once was a man named Jerry.

>> No.5885998

And with the press of the enter key I had made the shittest thread on /lit/, asking people to post the worst opening lines they can think of, which I then left and had nothing to do with.

>> No.5886074

>>5883571
"There was a time when novel writers cared for their opening lines in novels, and they didn't use to write the worst openings they could think of, they weren't ironic either."

>> No.5886429

>>5885650
"In want" meant "lacking" back then
So the line actually defends your neet lifestyle.

>> No.5886960

>>5883590
>>5883587

>A shit-eating comes across the sky.

>> No.5886978

"I am that is that what you talked about yesterday is that I think," my copy of the famous thing read (or, rather, my copy of the translation (in the original, of course, it read "YWHWHWHWHWHWHWHWHWHWH")).

>> No.5886985
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5886985

>>5885568
Even if that is copypasta, I love you /lit/.

>> No.5886992

>>5886985
It's Kolsti Nguyen.

>> No.5887022

Cracking the rib cage and removing the liver, he raised the liver up to his mouth and began to suck at the swollen purple organ, letting the juice and blood run down his face, Ray Carver hoped to gain an ounce of alcohol from the liver

>> No.5887039

My name is Bill, I'm 14 years old and my life is hell.

>> No.5887050

>>5886985
If you like that you'll love another of his excerpts
>>5871468

>> No.5887173

>>5885982
Not too bad.

>> No.5887190

>Play it again Sam.

>> No.5887197

>"Go ahead, kill me/him"

>> No.5887453

In a desolate haze I somehow manage to slowly separate my stringing eyelashes -- one eye buried in a saliva stained pillow with the pungent, earthy smell of hair grease and hot breath-- my left hand palming my cock as I shift from my chest to my arching back and meet the rust-lined air vent directly above me drearily humming and I say, "Gahhhh... shit."

>> No.5887462

>>5887197
In a public reading it should be read as
>Go ahead, kill me slash him

>> No.5887476

>I've never been happy. Not once. Or, well - there was this one time.

>> No.5887497

>>5883860
Fucking this. You look at any story written by a highschooler and it starts with dialogue. Look at any classic literature and there won't be any dialogue til a few pages in.

>> No.5887510

>>5887497
'Yes , of course, if it's fine tomorrow,' said Mrs Ramsay. 'But you'll have to be up with the lark,' she added.

>> No.5887511

>>5887497
That's probably because in movies it gives a certain feeling when it starts with audio only. But they are thinking that starring with dialogue would be a correct translation ignoring the different qualities of sound and text.

I'm sure there is SOME books that start with dialogue and it works.

>> No.5887512

>>5887497
>actually believing silly rules like this are universally applicable

>> No.5887513

>>5887497

Our Man In Havana by Graham Geene.

>> No.5887515

>>5885982
That's great though.

>> No.5887527

Now, this ain't gonna be the most well written tale ya'll ever read, but you can't blame this old Kentucky boy for tryin'.

>> No.5887535

>>5887497
A Clockwork Orange

>> No.5887547

>>5887535
>>5887513
>>5887512
I'm not saying that no good book starts with dialogue. Just that every crappy short story written by a highschooler, starts with dialogue.

>> No.5887555

>>5887547
oh i thought they start with a guy waking up

>> No.5887557

and but so it goes

>> No.5887559

>>5887555
That's every film students first film.

>> No.5887561

>>5887557
this is actually brilliant

>> No.5887563

>>5887535
My first thought as well

>> No.5887564

>>5887547
>I'm not saying that no good book starts with dialogue.

" Look at any classic literature and there won't be any dialogue til a few pages in."
>any

But that's exactly what you said.

Speaking of shitty writing abilities...

>> No.5887567

Hi, I'm Tao Lin.

>> No.5887576

"We gotta stop this match! It's time to throw the Tao Lin!"

>> No.5887588

>>5887564
Ok I didn't say it very well. But the point is having dialogue as the first line is bad.

>> No.5887595
File: 75 KB, 716x768, 1419023374639.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
5887595

DR PAVEL I'M CIA

>> No.5887606
File: 168 KB, 1280x596, Card_for_Papyrus__2008_by_Himmapaan.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
5887606

>>5885440
Shit is what was requested, remember?

>> No.5887632

>>5883774
>He never sleeps, the judge. He is dancing, dancing. He says that he will never die.

You inspired me to go back and read just that last paragraph. That paragraph might be perfect.

>> No.5887649

>>5887497

call me fishmael

>> No.5888066

Poo poo. Haha! Poo Poo! I exclaimed, my willy doing the dance of the poo lagoon.
My front bum farted the tune of a thousand songs all crying out at once. Poo poo! Ha ha!

>> No.5888088

On an early Sunday Mass Father Arugalo decided to let out a quiet fart, staining not only his white robes but the altar boy's innocence.

>> No.5888094

>>5888088
james joyce?

>> No.5888101

>>5888088
This is good. I like this.

>> No.5888133

"OY FUCKING CUMSWAPPER"

>> No.5888144

>>5888133
trully no one would start a novel with such lines, much less expect it not to be the greatest ironic meme masterpiece!

>> No.5888298

>>5887039
I laughed at this one.

>> No.5888317

"Doctor Pavel," he said, "I'm CIA."

>> No.5888318

>>5887649
my mother is a fishmael

>> No.5888330

I don't think anyone's been named Gertrude since 1899, except me.

>> No.5888335

>>5888088
best new meme

>> No.5888358
File: 34 KB, 567x456, 1418350247452.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
5888358

>>5883776
Sweet salty Christ no

>> No.5888448

It was a cold night, and he didn't feel like wearing any clothes.

>> No.5888451

>>5888330

Girl I know from work legally changed her name to gertrude, judge had to sign off on it after trying to convince her not to

>> No.5888499

Hi, my names Bailey, but you can call me T'Lilith. That's my character on the greatest video game ever made, Planet of Runes. I've been playing since I was a little girl, and I'm the best elven archer around. But, a new guy decided to pop in one day, and well, that's where my story begins. This is my story, the story of being a GAMER GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRL!!!!!!!111

>> No.5888544

>>5888451
now thats a great opening line

>> No.5888549

>>5883571
"bro r u fukn srs", said the gelled haired pleb smoking a cigarette and sipping a dark horizon coloured alco-pop "ur pathetic faggot, my mrs could lift more than you" Suddenly it hit you, your arms really are that of a faggot... So you turn around and masturbate into your hand, making sure to squeeze your knob..


but who was gf?

>> No.5888557

My name's Mars. That's my mother's tacky sense of humor. And I left home when I was 13 because my stepbrother raped me.

>> No.5888558

>>5883571
i am god

>> No.5888614

>>5888558
Did Kanye West write an autobiography yet?

>> No.5888626

>>5888549
I cringed at how hard you tried to be funny.

>> No.5888646

>>5885646
underrated

>> No.5888707

One night about a year ago I was in bed texting my boyfriend Kyle when a sexy black vampire with no shirt on and big sexy muscles sneaked in through my window, "yo Ophelia", he said, "lemme suck dat blood ho." I rolled my eyes and sighed like I was very bored, but I was actually smiling a bit in excitement. So I peeled off my bedcovers and turned on my belly so that he could mount me from behind and bite my neck. When he penetrated me with his fangs it hurt but then began to feel very nice. He stopped to say, "yo white bitch! Dis be for slavery yo!" Feeling sorry for having oppressed him and his people I immediately demanded that he impregnate me.

12 months I was married to Kyle and he was wondering why his baby had black curly hair and little fangs. "Shut up Kyle!", I said, "I don't have to tell you anything." Suddenly Kyle was very sad and ashamed of himself, and said, "sorry honey, I respect your right as a woman to make your own decisions." Kyle was a nice man, but I was wondering why Count Blackula hadn't called me since that night.

>> No.5888732

>>5888707
this is great

>> No.5888735

"Muh dick, nugg@!" he said dismissively

>> No.5888757

>>5883571
It was the worst of times, It was the BLURST of times.

>> No.5888820

Hello my name is protag and this is a book about me :3

>> No.5888936

>>5888558
your mom lol

>> No.5888953
File: 1.25 MB, 500x500, UCPMP0r.gif [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
5888953

>Starts with an onomatopoeia

>> No.5888982

>>5883776
ayyy lmao

>> No.5889048

>>5883571

How long is the night? How deep is the shadow? How long will we endure these sort of, uh, prescriptivist romantic questions without tackling, I don't know, inequality.

>> No.5889115

>>5885646
So good

>> No.5889121

>>5885650
>not understanding jane austen
> getting angry at jane austen, regardless of levels of comprehension

This guy

>> No.5889141

>>5883571
"The vampire hung suspended by his wrists from chains that stretched his arms widely."

>> No.5889641

>>5885800
You posted the whole thing yesterday and you still have to continue to belittle him?

>> No.5889665

>>5889641
Well, he has to see him every day. It's not the kind of bother where you complain and move on.

>> No.5889704
File: 191 KB, 533x414, capsy.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
5889704

the old sailor, in the crystal sea of Crete, was taking a refreshing bath after a hard night wrestling with his mates and all the love fights that happen in the woman-less nights of navy.
He dove near the rocks and had a clingy sexual arusement, so he took a sea sponge, he carved a hole in it and he gave love to it like it was the tight boypussy of his nephew that he left 10 years ago in a orphanage.

>> No.5889721

>>5888707
/pol/ pls

>> No.5889747

>>5883571
Who is John Galt?

>> No.5889758

I didn't think much of it until it landed right there in my lap; the finest thing I shall ever look or see; something of such great beauty that one may never speak of it again; but since you asked, why don't I give it a go?

>> No.5889774

>>5885646
i laughed so fucking hard i love you

>> No.5889799

>>5883571


"This isn't eucalyptus," the koala thought as he spat.

>> No.5889937

>>5883571
Mother died today. Or maybe, yesterday; i can't be sure.

>> No.5889976
File: 1.09 MB, 760x900, luke vibert.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
5889976

>>5889937

>> No.5891622

>>5883587
Oh my God... That's fucking brilliant... That's fucking brilliant...

Seriously, that cheered me up after a very rough day. Thank you.

>> No.5893009

>>5889141
If I were a movie producer I'd be throwing buckets of money at you right now.

>> No.5893024

It was dark and gloomy the day the dragon came, all over the village, the weapons of soldiers cocked, the womens whose gongs in houses they beat, the meat hung out to dry, attracting the dragon that was coming, all day long, all over the village.

>> No.5893028

>>5893024
The dragon was coming all day long, all over the village?

>> No.5893049

>>5883571
"It was just like any other day, but today.. this day was different. Tom awoke from his slumber and put on his fedora."

>> No.5893053

>>5893049
Work in "hibernation in his man-cave" and you have a book deal.

>>5893028
While they beat the meat.

>> No.5893055

The most interesting part about killing someone is the collateral damage.

>> No.5893059

>>5889747
Fuck it, I'm done. You've clearly won this.

>> No.5893062

>>5883664
I pulled on the chain attached to my wallet, as the wallet itself fell from bottom pocket. People sniggered and stared like I was some sort of Pleb. I picked up my wallet and slammed it onto Gamestop counter, shocking the attendee as she peered into my eyes, my depths of oblivion, straight through my apocalyptic goggles. "Why do thou look ? Get me a copy of Pokemon Omega wench" Her reply was without words but a look of disgust, what would she know though, she is only a mundane, and isn't capable of thought outside this mortal realm.

>> No.5893063

>>5893024
9/10

>> No.5893076

>>5893053
It goes from there to this being a first person book written by a fedora fag, who to scare his attackers pretends to be a terrorist, and starts to actually get involved has government and shit after him. Soon enough he is coaxed into doing a massacre.

>> No.5893079
File: 2.94 MB, 300x350, 1417300011371.gif [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
5893079

>>5891622

t-thanks

>> No.5893080

>>5893076
>fedora fag
>caught between terrorists and government
>false flag massacre
Is this /pol/ the book?

>> No.5893085

>>5893079
qt3.15

>> No.5893102

Setting

Living room, basement, car.

ACT ONE

SCENE 1

(It is morning. The sun is shining through the windows of the kitchen. John enters the kitchen, grabs a cereal bar, and opens it. Richard McBeef is sitting in the kitchen with his legs crossed reading the newspaper.)

RICHARD: Hey, John. (He forces a smile at him.)

JOHN: What's up, Dick! (He frowns.)

RICHARD: Try dad.

JOHN: You ain't my dad and you know it, you Dick. (John chews on the cereal bar angrily.)

RICHARD: Come on, John. Sit down. We need to have man-to-man talk. (Richard pulls a chair next to him from under the table.)

JOHN: Man-to-man up your ass, bud! (John sneers then proceeds to the living room and turns on the TV. Richard follows him, sits down, and faces him.)

RICHARD: I may not be your biological father, but I'm your new father. We live under the same roof. We really need to get along. Come on, son, give me a chance. (Richard gently rests his hand on John's lap.)

JOHN: What the hell are you doing! (John slaps Richard's hand.) What are you, a Catholic priest! I will not be molested by an aging balding overweight pedophilic stepdad named Dick! Get your hands off me you sicko! Damn you, you Catholic priest. Just stop it, Michael Jackson. Let me guess, you have a pet named Dick in Neverland ranch and you want me to go with you to pet him, right?

RICHARD: (He signs and ignores the comment.) What is it you want from me, what do you want me to do? Why are you so angry at me --

JOHN: Why am I so angry at you! Because you murdered my father so you can get into my mom's pant! --

RICHARD: Now hold on right there mister. It was a boating accident. I did everything I could to try to save your father.

JOHN: Bullshit! Are you always full of shit, McBeef? I can see that you are by the extra fat you have packed on! You MURDERED my father and covered it up! You committed a conspiracy. Just like what the government has done to John Lennon and Marilyn Monroe.

RICHARD: WHAT? WHAT? (Frowning, he catches a glimpse of an old tabloid titled "The Cover-up of Marilyn Monroe and John Lennon!!")

JOHN: You once worked for the government. As a janitor, at least. You hated the fact that my mom was with my dad. You knew my mom was too good for my father. So you took him out and stole her, you son of a bitch!

RICHARD: St-

JOHN: No, Dick! You shut the hell up and listen to me.

RICHARD: You --

JOHN: Me what! You want me to stick this remote control up your ass, buddy! You ain't even worth it man. This remote was five bucks. You are such a --

RICHARD: NOW THAT'S ENOUGH. (Richard raises his hand to strike his stepson, but before he does, John's mom comes down the stairs.)

>> No.5893105

SUE: Oh my god! What's going on? (She covers and hugs John and ushers him to the other end of the couch.) What are you doing to my son! You said you would have a nice chat to get on terms with him. And this is what I catch you do! What kind of step-father are you? Pretending to be nice to him with a fake smile on your chubby face! Tell me, what were you trying to do to him. You were about to hit him! Damn you, Richard!

RICHARD: He was --

SUE: I don't want to hear it! (Sue tells John to go up to his room. But he observes the spectacle half way up the staircase.)

RICHARD: I swear Sue! I tried talking to him. He called me a son of a bit--

SUE: How dare you! John would never -- NEVER -- say such a thing, my poor little pooey pooey boy! He lost his father just a month ago. Show some compassion! Some stepfather!

JOHN: He tried to touch my privates!

SUE: (She gasps.) Holy shit! Oops. Sorry John. Dick, You son of a b-- (She peeks at John. She approaches Richard and slaps Richard in the head multiple times. Taking off her shoes, she hits him hard.)

RICHARD: (He brushes Sue with his large arm and build.) Sue Sue Sue. Listen to me!

SUE: (The manner and girth frightens her.) Oh my god! What are you trying to do! Are you gonna hit me too! (She cowers and runs into the kitchen. She grabs the first thing she can which is a plate.) Stay back! Stay back! Or I'll ... (She throws the plate, shattering squarely on his forehead. But he is unmoved.) You fat piece of pork! John! Go to your room and lock it! (She runs down the basement.) Are you a bisexual psycho rapist murderer! Please stop following me. Don't kill me! (She throws wrenches and pipes lying on the ground at him, but he is unhurt.)

RICHARD: I didn't even do anything. Okay. I'll stop following you. (He stops with his hands in the air. He kneels. She throws a few more heavy objects at him.) Let me explain! John is a rambunctious pubescent boy!

SUE: Oh my god! You are a pedophile!

RICHARD: No! No ... Honey-poo.

SUE: Honey-poo?

RICHARD: Honey-poo. Don't you believe me? John is just a mischievous kid who having trouble getting over his father's death. He'll get over it. He just needs time.

SUE: Really?

RICHARD: Yes. Now, why don't we go to the bedroom and do it doggy style, just the way you like it, honey-poo.

JOHN: (In his room, he smiles and throws darts on the target that is the face of Richard.) I hate him. Must kill Dick. Must kill Dick. Dick must die. Kill Dick ... Richard McBeef. What kind of name is that? What an asshole name. I don't like it. And look at his face. What an asshole face. I don't like his face at all. You don't think I can kill you, Dick? You don't think I can kill you? Gotcha. Got one eye ... Got the other eye. (He runs down to the basement by his mother's side.) That fat man murdered dad. He told me so while you were asleep, mom. And he molested me.

>> No.5893111

SUE: What! Ahh! (She grabs a chainsaw and brandishes it at Richard. He runs out of the house and into his car. Thirty minutes later John goes out to Richard and sits on the passenger's side eating a cereal bar.)

JOHN: I wonder why it's so sunny out! Today is one fruity day! (John stares squarely at Richard with a contemptuous look who is sitting with a flushed face.) Guess what, Dick. You wanna know something. You wanna know why I don't like you? Because you can't provide for my mom. You barely make the minimum wage, man. All you do for mom is all this honey-poo shit. Honey-poo! Honey-poo! You piece of shit! You were a janitor one time. You're a one time truck driver. You taught preschool kids for two months. And now you're what you like to call yourself a chef, what the rest of the world calls a hamburger flipper. Back where you came from. The pinnacle of your career was when you were a pro football player. How lond did that last? Three weeks! Ha! You're over the hills, buster! Just look at yourself, all fat and lazy. Only if you were smart enough to stay in the league, you wouldn't be like this. A former player. No wonder your name is McPork -- I mean McBeef. While the guys were packing on muscles, you were packing on McDonald's fat, chowing down on three Big Mac's in three minutes. You wanted me to call you dad? Okay. Hey, dad, you are such a asshole! Asshole of assholes, DAD! And as for you banging my mom, looks like that lasted as long as your pathetic career, you prematurely ejaculating piece of dickshit. Sucks for you, you motherfucking McBeef.

RICHARD: HOW DARE YOU TALK TO YOUR STEP-FATHER LIKE THAT!

JOHN: Eat this, you giant tree trunk piece of ass. (John sticks his half-eaten banana cereal bar in his step-father's mouth and attempts to shove it down his throat.)

RICHARD: AHHHHH! (He pushes John away and takes out the cereal bar.)

JOHN: Fuck you, DAD!

RICHARD: (Out of sheer desecrated hurt and anger, Richard lifts his large arms and swings a deadly blow at the thirteen year old boy.)

>> No.5893112

Stately, plump Buck Mulligan came from the stairhead, bearing a bowl of lather on which a mirror and a razor lay crossed. A yellow dressinggown, ungirdled, was sustained gently behind him on the mild morning air.

>> No.5893113

Chapter 1

The horrific agony of everything continued!

>> No.5893116

As far as he knew by interpolating his thoughts onto her in that special dimension of his child offending mind, she, wasn't interested.

>> No.5893122

>>5893102
>>5893105
>>5893111

>John chews on the cereal bar angrily
>Man-to-man up your ass, bud!
>He brushes Sue with his large arm and build.
>The manner and girth frightens her.
>You fat piece of pork!
>I wonder why it's so sunny out! Today is one fruity day!

it's the gift that keeps on giving

>> No.5893124

>>5893116
Lolita 2.0

>> No.5893149 [DELETED] 

Michael Infiniti woke naturally, without alarm, from his twin mattress on the floor. It was early in the morning, and he hadn’t checked his cell phone for the time yet. The room was dark but his curtains let enough of the streetlights’ light through them so that he could safely get up and go to the kitchen.

>> No.5893153

The sound of the rain reminded him of heartbreak and heartbreak reminded him of her.

>> No.5893164

>>5887527
My original line goes more like:

This here story aint gonna make a whole lotta sense, but you can't blame an ol Kentucky farm boy for tryin'.

Thanks for the homage

>> No.5893174

Ring ring!
'I'll get it Mom!'

>> No.5893176

>>5893174
cont..

Casey wheeled to the phone.

>> No.5893185

Maree was struggling with six, but how hard would it be to fit seven dicks inside her all at once?

>> No.5893198

>>5893102
>>5893105
>>5893111
Read the OP faggot.

>> No.5893217

>>5885568
so cringeworthy

>> No.5893240

"I am a sick Man...I am a wicked Man"

>> No.5894129

>>5883571
As Uncle Ben pulled the fat juicy strapon out of Billy's hairy asshole, he heard a scream. "I hate niggers!" Billy screamed like the bumbling autist he is.

>> No.5894151

>>5893062
That would be 'wherefore look'st thee'

>> No.5896157

come on /lit/, no kirsch on the fondue yet?

>> No.5896214

"Master and Commander is about repressed homosexuals for repressed homosexuals," said Moot, himself a repressed homosexual.

>> No.5896721

>>5885650
haha im with you bro what a cheeky cunt

>> No.5896751

>>5896157
>implying it isn't one of the best

>> No.5896752

I left for good when she was raped the second time. She'd come stumbling through the door and into bed drunk, her confessions falling like dulled knives upon us both.

>> No.5896767

Sometimes you just have to tear down walls. I'm destroying my fourth one right now.

>> No.5896797

>>5883571
It was a dark and normie night.

>> No.5896937

>>5896752
I've always hated the "knife" imagery..
>Cut like a knife
>Pierced like daggers
>Struck like a blade

>> No.5896946

What is not supposed to be my concern!

>> No.5896957

Resiliency is the best indicator of intelligence. It’s a good thing these suits are so fucking resilient, Finlayson thought. Not that I’m lagging myself…

>> No.5896980

>>5887632
suttrees finale is the best i have experienced

>> No.5897338

>>5887453
Gold/10

>> No.5897345

>>5883571
"Hands up! Don't shoot!"

>> No.5897433

"Hitler was wrong."

>> No.5897591

>>5883571
"My mother died today."

>> No.5898920

>>5883776
Never read anything by her, and still knew it was hers.

>> No.5898930

>>5897591
The Stranger.

>> No.5898940

"Doopity-Doo, Motherfucker!" Carl shouted as he pulled both triggers to the shotgun, sending Midget Larry's three foot body flying out of the wheelchair.