/lit/'s opinion on a /tg/ series

[Anonymous No.5877519]

Hey folks, I was wondering if I could get your input on an ongoing /tg/ storytime series called the All Guardsmen Party.

It is a story about bravery, incompetence, and the excessive use of detpacks set in the grimdarkness of the fortieth millennium. The tale follows a group of guardsmen from their origin in the mud and blood to their rise as one of the premier Inquisitorial teams on the sub-sector

Now unfortunately this is a big ol' thing and at heart it is a write-up of an Only War and Dark Heresy campaign, but it only briefly touches on the mechanics in the first two chapters. It shouldn't be much of a problem if you haven't played tabletop games and while knowing the setting helps, it's not necessary.

That said you can find the whole story in a slightly cleaned html format hosted by google-docs here:

https://googledrive.com/host/0B3Z9sXPTD9rpN2owNGdVWmdFWXM/agp.html

Or the original posts cane be found in the archive here:

>Prologue: Darwinian Character Creation
https://archive.moe/tg/thread/33660810/

>Guardsmen and Pilgrims
https://archive.moe/tg/thread/34095013/

>Dude Where's My Psyker?
https://archive.moe/tg/thread/34333783/

>What's In The Box?
https://archive.moe/tg/thread/34660239/

>Nubby's Girlfriend
https://archive.moe/tg/thread/34985468/

>Heretic Purging
https://archive.moe/tg/thread/35461504/

>Discount Spaceship
https://archive.moe/tg/thread/35923989/

>Good Soldiers, Bad Educators
https://archive.moe/tg/thread/36338781/

Any literary input or discussion would be most welcome, even if it's just a recommendation that I sodomize myself with the entire works of Leon Trotsky instead of bothering you.

[Anonymous No.5877532]

>>5877519
Would sodomy with the works of Trotsky be limited to text written by him or military campaigns too?

[Anonymous No.5877577]

>>5877532
Let's not get philosophical about this and stick to his published literature. There are many places you can lead a workers' revolution, but it'd be rather hard to march them up someone's rectum.

[None !trap0OylHY No.5877656]

I just can't care enough to read this, OP.
You'll see a lot of jokes about prose vs plot, but you have to at least consider your prose when selecting a text to be read by people outside of its circle. Some items:

1º There is more introduction explaining mechanics than presenting a context and characters for the narration. Who are making this actions? I don't even know how many of you were, why would I care about the game itself?

2º At no point should you sacrifice the reading enjoyment for commodity explaining things. If you can't efficiently transmit the emotion you might as well not mention it since the reader won't care about the content.

>The Orks came and we killed them.
>The Orks came again and we killed them.
>The Orks came again and we killed them, but now we were low on ammo.
>The Orks came again and some of us died.
>The Orks came again and brought a tank and the rest of us died, except for me, I ran.
disgusting
3º You have to chose your focus point, or develop both, but you can't just jump from the players to the characters without giving depth to anyone.
If you want to write about the players tell us about them, make us interested in the game through them. If you want to write about the story that developed in the game you have to tell us about what's going on in much more detail from the start, tell us names and locations, show what your character's life is like.

4º Drop the cliches.
>The bastards in command
I wouldn't wish this kind of horror to anyone. What are you even trying to do? In game role? Who talks like a cheap Hays period movie in your orc war setting?
You have to think about why you write things a certain way or there's no point in writing it.

If you want it as a general synopsis, I don't know, it might work but I couldn't reach the meat so I can't say. As a writer you need to dedicate more time to re reading and correcting.

[Anonymous No.5877809]

>>5877519
Heard about these from a friend who's into /tg/ stuff, he's pretty damn into them.

I'll take a serious look when I have a more time, but you're mostly just going to find sperging like >>5877656 around here. Most of /lit/ won't read anything longer than a sonnet and tends to get angry if there's an actual plot involved. It's far easier to get people talking about sentence structure than character arcs.

Anyway, I will sit down and read this once I'm out of class since it comes recommended by someone who (mostly) has good taste in reading.

[Anonymous No.5877948]

>>5877519
>NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION

[Anonymous No.5878105]

>>5877809

Well that's nifty, glad your friend likes the stories. Honestly you may wish to skip the prologue, while it's pretty cool from a gamer's perspective, it's not really what one might call an actual story. I hadn't really expected to start writing so much and it's really just a greentext with more words. Looking back, I'd really like a chance to go back and completely redo the first two chapters of this thing.

>>5877948

>FETCH THE COMFY CHAIR

[Anonymous No.5878869]

>>5877519
>>5878105

Okay started reading the google file you linked. I had my friend explain some of the stuff in the prologue since it was a little cryptic, and since he said each chapter is an improvement over the last I'm going to withhold any criticism for now.

That said this is actually pretty damn good so far and reminds me of pic related.

[Anonymous No.5879546]

>>5877519
will peruse, /tg/ stories are the best stories