/lit/ - Literature

[Anonymous No.5842161]

What do you guys think?

Into the void,
Through the fire,
Walk inside hell,
To find the spire,

Cleanse with flames,
The Devil’s Hall,
To guide Salvation,
Towards them all.

Raise them up,
One by one,
Let no fall,
None for none,

For if one falls,
All shall know,
The evil inside,
Which shall show,

>P.s Never written anything like this before poem wise or religious wise.

[Anonymous No.5842196]

The finished version

Into the void,
Through the fire,
Walk towards hell,
To find the spire,

Cleanse with flames,
The Devil’s Hall,
To guide Salvation,
Towards them all.

Raise them up,
One by one,
Let no fall,
None for none,

For if one falls,
All shall know,
The evil inside,
Which shall show,

Demons released,
In the night,
To purge them all,
Out of sight.

[Anonymous No.5842203]

Would work well yelled at 11dB with epic shredding.

Otherwise: crap.

[Anonymous No.5842205]

>>5842203
should have been 110dB but yelled at 11 is funnier.

[Anonymous No.5842214]

>>5842161
I dunno, man. Could prolly work in a speed metal song.

[Anonymous No.5842217]

>>5842203
Thanks for the reply, any feedback is some feedback. However you say it's "crap" yet give no reason.
Would you mind explaining why you think it's crap so i can learn and improve?

[Anonymous No.5842219]

>>5842214
I was thinking about this afterwards.

[Anonymous No.5842297]

>>5842217
There's an obvious attempt at narrative but each line feels like a non sequitur so the lines could be in any order and make as much sense. There's meter but it isn't consistent, not that consistent meter is essential but it seems like a "good enough" attitude. The lines are too short to really convey anything, they are just a couple of dramatic words. There's very little interesting or original, devil hell night purge evil void fire. To improve your poetry you should really use longer lines, practice with complex ideas, this is the poetic equivalent of easy reader for children "The Devil has a ball / The ball is red / the ball is made of souls / the devil kicked the ball / the ball fell in the fire."

[Anonymous No.5842301]

it's barely religious at all

[Anonymous No.5844117]

Although the due date was a month away
Jill took her evening to get her bills paid.
And after the ding of the final invoice sent
She saw in her inbox the invitation to an event:

Congratulations You’ve Been Invited
To a Parade! Get excited!

"A parade? Why I can’t deal with all that ruckus."
But her interest piqued, she decided to see what the fuss was.

She stepped outside in just what she was wearing
And looked and listened for lights and the blaring
Of horns
Or crackle of firecrackers

But what she saw lacked the hurrahs
Of any parade she had seen in her days.

"What’s going on?" she asked to her neighbor
A simple man, who worked in labor
And helped the lady who lived upstairs
By fixing up her broken wheelchairs.

"You know, I’m not quite sure
This is unlike any parade I’ve seen before.”

And this sentiment was echoed
By a woman down the road
Who received her invitation
After taking a vacation
That she’d earned from years of working hard
Who always found time to keep a clean yard.

The next to come and join them
was a little girl named Joyce Nguyen
Who showed herself affection
By kissing her reflection
And did her homework nightly
And asked for things politely.

Yet still no bandleader
No ticker-tape
Just the cool night air
And the fire escape

And stars in the sky
Beautiful twinkling stars in the sky
Magnificent, glowing, glory-showing stars in the sky.
Stars that shine brighter, and longer, and more fervently than any fireworks.

We throw parties for holidays
Give presents on birthdays
But take a look at what you did today
Because there’s a good chance that it deserves praise.

Self-care is not a once-a-year
Gather around and scream and cheer
Occasion to celebrate
So I ask you now to designate

A part of each night
To setting things right
And celebrating the blessings
That self-care brings to light.