/lit/ - Literature

[Anonymous No.5772924]

Official /lit/ critique thread

Rules
1. Post one. Critique one.
2. Only critique people who critique.
3. Ignore people who do not critique.
• Copy-paste these rules in the next critique thread.
• Don't be selfish faggots.

[Anonymous No.5772944]

dude there's like two other critique threads

[Anonymous No.5772948]

>>5772944
Nevermind, those are poetry threads, have a bump

[Anonymous No.5773110]

f-first?

http://pastebin.com/1P3UtUMH

[Anonymous No.5773142]

The furthest corners. He hummed to himself. The furthest corners of the earth. Earth had no corners. It went on forever in every direction. An infinite amount of corners. This corner of the ocean, then, was the furthest corner of the earth.

What was a corner, anyway? Was it the point furthest from the center? Spheres had no corners.

A school of mermaids appeared in the window. He flashed his lamps and they spread apart, their irises and scales glimmering with greenish reflected light.

There are no corners, or there are innumerable corners. He'd have to ask a geometry teacher - if he ever saw one, or any other human being again.

[Anonymous No.5773151]

>>5773110
good ideas, bad writing
the tense is all over the place and there's awkward phrases everywhere

[Anonymous No.5773154]

The furthest corners. He hummed to himself. The furthest corners of the earth. Earth had no corners. It went on forever in every direction. An infinite amount of corners. This corner of the ocean, then, was the furthest corner of the earth.

What was a corner, anyway? Was it the point furthest from the center? Spheres had no corners.

A school of mermaids appeared in the window. He flashed his lamps and they spread apart, their irises and scales glimmering with greenish reflected light.

There are no corners, or there are innumerable corners. He'd have to ask a geometry teacher - if he ever saw one, or if he ever saw another human being again.

[Anonymous No.5773176]

>>5773151
I really don't see the tense changes (except in the character's thoughts which were originally italicized). I can see the awkward phrasing though, hopefully that'll be eliminated in editing.

[Anonymous No.5773179]

>>5773176
oh you didnt edit it yet! well then thats all medicable

[Anonymous No.5773194]

Reposting from last thread because no feedback. I gave my critique there.

[Anonymous No.5773243]

>>5773194
>Suriel
>that metaphor
>that infinite purple
>that tedious fantashit

ok the idea is actually cool, but it's way too complicated to work. you need to describe it quickly, or we won't be able to grasp it. also fuck suriel and fuck animal main characters

[Anonymous No.5773294]

>>5773243
Ouch.

What's wrong with Suriel? I liked it. Any other suggestions?

>>that infinite purple
>you need to describe it quickly, or we won't be able to grasp it.
I trimmed it down from what it used to be, though not much. I know it's elaborate and I can (and have) written very paired-down writing before but I thought that considering it's supposed to be a description I should go a bit heavier on actual description than I normally do. I agree that it should be more concise but I'm just not sure how to make it more concise without being less descriptive. Any suggestions/could you rewrite a section as an example?

>>that tedious fantashit
>also fuck suriel and fuck animal main characters
Your taste a shit.

[Anonymous No.5773299]

>>5773154
What the fuck am I reading.

Have you been reading Euclid or something?

[Anonymous No.5773430]

>>5773154
a school in Rapture?

i liked it mostly except
>their irises
You don't really see people's irises reflecting light unless they are very close to you
>t. realism nazi

[Anonymous No.5773458]

>>5773194

the information in that first paragraph could be condensed into one single sentence.

>the city was on fire.

you're wasting time describing the actual appearance of the fire, when you could describe the havoc it's wreaking on the city. people running around with their clothes on fire. mommies stomping babies to put them out. explosions. etc. etc.

that last line: so the fire probably wasn't accidental.

"probably". never use this word. unless a character is saying it. you're the writer. know what you're writing.

you need to cut down on the word count, bud. a huge block of text and you've said two things : the city is on fire and a dragon is watching it. i have no idea what your story is about. i have no idea who the main character is. i don't care what happens next. cut down on the description, keep the ball rolling.

[Anonymous No.5773481]

>>5773458
>you're wasting time describing the actual appearance of the fire, when you could describe the havoc it's wreaking on the city. people running around with their clothes on fire. mommies stomping babies to put them out. explosions. etc. etc.
Makes sense. Okay I'll see what I can do.

>"probably". never use this word
>a huge block of text and you've said two things
Also makes sense. Consider it done. I'll revise it now.

[Anonymous No.5773487]

>>5773458
Probably is okay in certain places, I think. It really depends on your style. You really have to think hard as to whether it fits, though.

[Anonymous No.5773555]

>>5773430
thank you! turns out the real name for the structure is "tapetum lucidum" (bright tapestry). I'm just going to say "eyes"

[Anonymous No.5773579]

The Angels ambushed him on the road, shooting up columns of smoke and flexing their monstrous golden wings. He walked past them, oblivious - and it was only on their third or fourth attempt that he chanced to look up and notice them. His voice was difficult to hear in the tumult. "You've come too late for me, I'm afraid."

This made the Angels weep as deeply as animals.

[Anonymous No.5773663]

>>5773579
>This made the Angels weep as deeply as animals.
Don't get what "as animals" means.
What about this?
>Angels wept at his words.

Is this a part of a novel? or just a prose poem?
It has strong symbolism but is consequently weak in realism.

[Anonymous No.5773666]

>>5773579
I quite liked that. Would read more. Not enough actual writing to tell you whether I like it though.

[Anonymous No.5773667]

CRITIQUE:
>>5773579
Evocative, good tight prose, good imagery, plenty of interesting unknowns, ...
In short, it's alright, but not enough vampires.

MY WORK:
See pic.

[Anonymous No.5773701]

>>5773667
fuck yes these are fucking hilarious post the rest

[Anonymous No.5773739]

>>5773701
Here's what occurrs the very next day, when Rhyce breaches the palace.

[Anonymous No.5773752]

>>5773739
And here Rhyce shares a moment of contemplation with an unexpected conversational partner.

[Caer Caradoc No.5774066]

I know it's a bit of a long read, but any feedback would be massively appreciated.

1/3
Clench. Release. Clench. Release. You’d always start doing it as soon the voice in your head started prattling on about something. As soon he drifted away from the blinking control panel to rifle through some dusty files in the back of your head, leaving some dark, enigmatic co-pilot to twiddle with the knobs. That’s always the first switch he’d flick, over and over again; jaw clench on, jaw clench off, jaw clench on, jaw clench off. That would be until his superior returned, batting the subconscious out of the way with a clipboard, grumbling at his improper conduct and resuming control.
Part of me now thinks the clenching was done to fill a void. In that simple motion you could find, on a tiny scale, scraps of what we’d lost. In the clench; tension, pain and longing. In the release; relief, comfort and satisfaction. It was suffering with a definite, reliable conclusion, as dependable as the summer sun used to be, blasting away the winter chill just in the nick of time and bringing with it a gust of fresh, vernal air. For as long as the rhythm of the seasons was broken - the cruelty of the winter and the compassion of the summer nowhere to be seen, this tiny fluctuation was all we could do to satisfy an inveterate longing for ups and downs to keep the spirit occupied. A longing to do anything other than stagnate.
And yet, it was still the slick summer tarmac that whirred under the tyres of my old mountain bike. A few months before, I would’ve had to ride in the centre of the road to avoid the kerbside channels of water left after a springtime shower. In a few months’ time, I would be picking muddy autumn leaves out of the spokes. Flora and fauna were soldiering on, still riding a rollercoaster that we had grown too tall to ride.
If raw gut feeling was anything to go by, I’d say we were trapped somewhere in the middle of October, where the looming sense of wintry dread makes it virtually impossible to be optimistic, but the buffer-zone of time in between the present and the icy horrors of the future makes it hard to act with any immediacy about anything at all. It’s funny how the atmosphere changes under the weight of all that prospective doom. For the last five years we had known nothing fresh at all. Springs hadn’t brought the shimmering air of life renewed to the valley, summers hadn’t had that syrupy, languid tone, winters hadn’t even seemed bleak. Things were simply dimmer and flatter than we had remembered them, and coloured the sickly, stodgy brown of an autumn afternoon. This autumn light wasn’t a threat; it was a hand rested on your shoulder, warmly saying “I think you missed the boat on that one, mate”, whenever any flicker of aspiration crossed your mind. It really was too late, after all.

[Caer Caradoc No.5774070]

>>5774066
2/3
I was doing it again, clenching my jaw whenever my weight shifted to my right leg and releasing whenever I pedalled with my left. It has a way of syncing up with the things you do if you’re doing something rhythmic and repetitive enough. It had only been a week since I last saw Claire so I was happy to let my jaw amuse itself while I pedalled and tried to think of something new to offer her in conversation. News had become a gift I would present to her on the odd occasion; a little trinket for her to play with for a few hours, something to pick at, roll in her palms and look at from every angle until she had no choice but to cast it aside and wait for something new. This would be one of those times when I’d turn up empty-handed, sporting a dopey smile in an attempt to silently apologise. She’d assure me in some equally non-verbal way that that was ok – news was only getting rarer and I wasn’t to blame for that.
Indicating lazily to the two or three cars which had begun to queue up behind me, I turned into the road which ran up one side of the valley. Ours was one of those little parishes which was so tightly nestled into a neighbouring forest that the Western outskirts had become a system of murky tunnels. Here, a small crack in the ceiling where the trees had yet to interweave sent a thick bar of dusty light down the middle of the road. Riding directly down the centre of it, the houses on either side swam off into the gloom, vanishing. Claire’s house was the second to last turning on the right, so even though the hills on this side of the valley were fairly gentle, I was panting and clicking down to a lower gear after climbing for a few minutes. As the turning approached I plunged back into the murk; it took a few seconds before I could see where I was going.

[Caer Caradoc No.5774071]

>>5774070
3/3

Claire’s house should’ve had a spectacular view of the great hill across the valley. You could tell it was built for it; the wide windows across the wall of her parents’ bedroom, patio furniture arranged lovingly on the terrace above the lounge, walls painted a blinding white so as to smugly pour the afternoon sun onto the heads of less fortunate neighbours. It certainly wasn’t built for the forest in which it stood. Vines crept up the white walls, cracking the plaster and leaving grotesque stains up the length of the building. Under the leaves’ incessant shade, black-rimmed panoramic windows were the empty eye sockets of a bleached cattle skull. There was no great view of the valley from the terrace, just twenty or so trees blithely stood in the way, waving merrily. Maybe the view was better in the twenties or the fifties or whenever the fuck it was built. Maybe there were twenty different neighbours they could persuade to cut down their trees; the house might make more sense then. “I think you might have missed the boat on that one, mate.”

[Anonymous No.5774082]

>>5774066
I wish I could critique this for you but it makes my writing sound like shit so I don't think it'd be valid

[Anonymous No.5774111]

>>5774066
>>5774070
>>5774071
>not reading the OP's rules

[Anonymous No.5774164]

>>5773666
>I quite liked that
>Not enough actual writing to tell you whether I like it
>666
you tricksy little devil

[Anonymous No.5774308]

>>5773154
Hi, /lit/. Thanks a lot for this! I appreciate it.

http://pastebin.com/qFNxsVhk

Mine's a little bit longer, so I'll critique a couple of extra posts. I hope my input proves valuable.

>>5773154
I liked this a lot, but I'm a bit of a maths fetishist so I'm probably biased.
The stream of consciousness felt quite hasty, abrupt and breathless. If it was your intention to show that the narrator is rather neurotic, it certainly worked out. Perhaps it could further be condensed if this is the case: how about, "He flashed his lamps and they spread apart. Their irises and scales glimmered, green light reflecting"? Also, you switched to present tense for a moment in the last sentence: "There are no corners, or there are innumerable corners". I think changing all the narrator's thoughts to present tense might work much better: "Earth has no corners. It goes on forever..."

>>5773194
I don't agree with >>5773243 that Suriel is a bad name- what's wrong with it? It's a real name (of an archangel). I'm guessing your story will draw a lot of symbolism from the Bible- is that what you are trying to do with the detailed description of the fire destroying the city? If so, perhaps focusing more on what the fire represents (rather than just detailing what it looks like as you have done) could be a better strategy. >>5773458 makes a very good point about describing the impact of the fire instead.

>>5773579
Interesting and heavy. How about a comma after "monstrous"? Also, the last sentence might benefit from clarification- I'm not sure what it means (though it is a beautiful expression): how about "This made the Angels weep, deeply, as animals do"?

[Anonymous No.5774350]

>>5774066
god i love second person

[Anonymous No.5774404]

>>5774111
>reading

[Anonymous No.5774450]

>>5774308
>I'm guessing your story will draw a lot of symbolism from the Bible- is that what you are trying to do with the detailed description of the fire destroying the city?
I hadn't really considered it in detail. It's basically an attempt at a story about why we can't have nice things, which is why a fantasy character is integral as the protagonist. He is the one who causes all of the nice things in the novel to happen, and of course, dragons don't actually exist. That might be Biblical I guess, but I hadn't actually planned on drawing heavily on Biblical mythology.

Suriel is supposedly an angel of protection (and healing, and loving death) and the character Suriel is very much motivated by protecting the weak, which forms the motivation for intervening in the fire and then the war (which all goes wrong as plot marches on) so that's one of the reasons I chose the name. It also sounds cool in my opinion, so that was the other.

I agree that the description of the fire is poor. I feel like I didn't go far enough in either direction - it's a poor metaphor and a poor description, and occupies an awkward, lengthy middle ground where it's neither clearly political or descriptive.

[Anonymous No.5774453]

>>5773667
>>5773739
>>5773752
i laughed and experienced feels

This is the next great American novel.

[Anonymous No.5774475]

>>5774066
>>5774070
>>5774071

The description was so dense that I zoned out after the first paragraph. Cut it back

[Anonymous No.5774571]

>>5773739
>Flashbird got up from his chair and pulled out one of his trademark six-shooter revolvers and shot at Rhyce
>BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG
Goddammit.

[Anonymous No.5774612]

>>5773752
>Rhyce nodded.
Tell me there's more.

[Anonymous No.5774616]

>>5773667
>>5773739
>>5773752
Are you writing these on the spot or something?

[Anonymous No.5774675]

>>5774616
The best literature reads like it was written on the spot. That's why.

[Anonymous No.5775172]

>>5773667
With proper amount of editing, this could be great.

[Anonymous No.5775223]

>>5773667
Nothing to critique. Kept me laughing the way through, please keep'em coming if you've got more.

>>5774066
This
>>5774475
might be a bit exaggerated, but indeed, you need to cut it down a notch. The style is good, but it comes across as a bit longwinded and dense.
In a way it works, it transmits a bit of that tension and ennui from the narrator, but don't let it get too overbearing for the reader, give us a bit more of space to breathe. It's good if it's up for a short section, but a whole book written so compactly would be just too much.


http://pastebin.com/6JkgRWPm
>Would love some honest feedback on this.

[Anonymous No.5775503]

>>5773752
I feel like the part about lava fumes and revenge could have more of a punchline to it.

I expected it to go like

>Consider yourself lucky in a way. At least you have someone out there that you can point your finger to and say 'Look, that's who killed her. That's who I'm going to find and kill the fucking shit out of'. Me I can't blame anyone. I mean how am I supposed to get revenge on lava? I tried throwing icecubes into the fucker for days but it didn't do shit.

Or something like that I don't know. I haven't slept for like 24 hours so I might just sound like a retard.

[Anonymous No.5776742]

>>5775223
I'm not the most poetic type, so I may not give the best critique, but, I'll try.

>sitting on a
I think you used on here because you used in later in the line. (I could be wrong, that's just something I do from time to time, you cut 'on' later as well). I don't believe doing that helps the line, it just makes it awkward to read.

>existence themselves
This might be my problem alone, but the 'cents' sound doesn't flow with 'them'. When you read it out loud, you almost have to stop, again, might be entirely my problem and its very minor.

>flush flight
I liked the alliteration here.

I also liked the expanding, a little gimmicky but it served a purpose.

>The skies darken
You've got all these poetic obscured lines, then this. This stands out too much, even more so since its short. I would suggest combining it with a previous line or make it slightly vague.

Like I said, I'm not great with poetic stuff so feel free to discard my thoughts.

I liked it, I had to think a little about what you meant which is a good thing in something shorter like this.

Hopefully what I've said is a little useful, or that someone else can come along to give you better critique.

For my submission:
http://pastebin.com/8wNGEjUx

BE WARNED, it's genre fiction bullshit. I just find it more fun to write.

[Anonymous No.5776746]

Anyone remember that poem that someone posted here that was like "cause I'm a rapist! cause I'm a rapist!"
That shit was ridiculous
find it for me

[Anonymous No.5776817]

>>5774308

[Anonymous No.5776822]

>>5776746
Because I posted in it:

>>/lit/thread/S5569181

[Anonymous No.5776846]

>>5775503
I was reading that part and thought it was a little tongue in cheek.

Your post however, made me legitimately laugh out loud.

[Anonymous No.5776852]

>>5776822
it's just as absurd as i remember it being. thank you so much

[Anonymous No.5777237]

>>5776822
>i follow girls around the street
>rip off my trench coat, show my meat
>their screams and cries are such a treat
>cause i'm a rapist!
>yes i'm a rapist!
>i'm dehumanizing, womanizing, creepy, gross, and crass
>but nothing fuels my fire quite like yoga pants and ass
>i don't know why i do it, i really couldn't say
>but of a bottle of rohypnol will really make my day
>so watch your drinks and carry mace or i might rape >you one day
>cause i'm a rapist!
>yes i'm a rapist!
>i gag their mouths, tie them down, and begin to violate
>tears only make me harder with the crotch i penetrate
>i never use protection so i breed to impregnate
>cause i'm a rapist!
>yes i'm a rapist!
this is pure porn
porn in words

[Anonymous No.5777317]

>>5777237
femanon here
go to hell

[Anonymous No.5777333]

>>5777237
femanon here
hot

[Anonymous No.5777334]

>>5777333
dubtrips of truth

[Anonymous No.5777336]

>>5777237
>>5777333
feminist here

PATRIARCHY RAPE CULTURE MISOGYNY (secretly sploosh).

[Anonymous No.5777344]

>>5777237
Jesus christ

[Anonymous No.5777347]

>>5777237
>song of the edgy permavirgin

>http://pastebin.com/6JkgRWPm
>passive voice
>derivative of e.c. cummings
>it's
>ubiquous
>growing noise -> silence
tripping? insanity? dream? there is zero context for what happens in the poem. random = unsatisfying.

[Anonymous No.5777353]

>>5777237
>song of the edgy permavirgin

>>5775223
>passive voice
>derivative of e.e. cummings
>it's
>ubiquous
>growing noise -> silence
tripping? insanity? dream? there is zero context for what happens in the poem. random = unsatisfying.

[Anonymous No.5777494]

>>5775503
That comes across more like a cheesy joke the bodyguard makes, rather than an actual joke made by the author.
I think that whole part works best as a real feel in the middle of all the over-the-top nonsense.
Gave me a feel anyway.

[Anonymous No.5778009]

>>5777237
am i a terrible person if this turns me on?

[Anonymous No.5778016]

>>5774308
>Mine's a little bit longer
not that long

good but demanding
put a line brake in the last para of chapter 2 after Naturally enough

[Anonymous No.5778152]

Have the new rules discouraged participation so much? Critique threads used to be way more popular.

[Anonymous No.5778219]

>>5778152
>Critique threads used to be way more popular.
People dumping tons of their writings with no one critiquing them isn't "popular."

[Anonymous No.5778227]

>>5778152
No, but people stealing stuff from here or re-hosting it in places the author can't remove has.

[Anonymous No.5778237]

>>5778227
more bumps meant more exposure, and more critiques overall. We should return to the old ways and let the free market take over.

[Anonymous No.5778239]

>>5778237
meant for
>>5778219

[Anonymous No.5778260]

>>5778227
wtf? is this common and can it be countered?

[Anonymous No.5778272]

>>5778260
Yes and no. Have a look on warosu for "/lit/ writers issue"

[Anonymous No.5778297]

>>5778272
>"/lit/ writers issue"
what is this, a /lit/ collaborative?

[Anonymous No.5778445]

Hey
>>5776742
Here

I would appreciate it if somebody could get to
>>5774308 's work any my own.

Thanks in advanced

[Anonymous No.5778454]

>>5778297
No, it's just an autist compiling everything he can find posted on /lit/ to annoy people.

[Anonymous No.5778458]

>>5774612
>>5775223
As you wish.
This dreamy encounter took place some time after the events at Lavafire City.

[Anonymous No.5779561]

>>5772924

Alright this is the most autistic story ever conceived, but there is an explanation.

Please judge on the prose, not the idea.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/pqiujgrhajdhx1w/_The%20Story%20of%20the%20Whos%20as%20of%2010-20-14.pdf?dl=0

[Anonymous No.5779867]

>>5776742
I liked your suggestions, I reformatted the first sentence according to them.
About the "skies darken" line, I wrote aiming to give it a sense of sudden realization, as in "shit nigger, when did it get so dark?". The idea of breaking with the flow is kind of the purpose I intended to give it, but you might be right as well, I'm gonna try to rethink it.

Read your stuff. It does a very good job on the beginning, portraying that sense of desperation in situations that seem to be out of one's hands.
But the part after the healing, and the dialog (specially the dialog) feel autistic as fuck. No offense meant in being so blunt, but it's the truth, it reads as if the character were some oversensitive r9kid.

>>5777353
Thanks for pointing the grammatical mistakes, they probably went over my head because I was translating something I originally wrote in Spanish.
Although I love the style of Cummings and know it well, I don't see how it is derivative of it, can't see much of a connection.

Well, it is an excerpt indeed, so the context was missing in there. They're a series of dream-like sequences inspired by some pieces of music a friend and I are writing, the idea is to have them go together, as if they were lyrics.

What's exactly wrong with the usage of the passive voice? I'd actually like to know (if you could point it to me), as long as it works to get the best I can out of this.

Thank you both for your criticism. Here's the rest of what I've written:
>http://pastebin.com/2e0R5y65
(at least what's in a sort of presentable state)
If you want to chime in with anything else, I'd be delighted to read what you have to say.

[Anonymous No.5779924]

>>5776742
Here

>>5779867
Yeah I don't know what to do with the dialogue.

I'm usually very good with it, my work has been critiqued ~10 or so times the past 2 weeks and all I've gotten is compliments on my dialogue, but the lines there I'm just trying to work out.. maybe its better with context.

I just really fucked with the characters world, he has shown very seldom emotion so this section was supposed to be a breaking point.

Maybe with that context it's a little better?

I'll still see if I can change things around.

[Anonymous No.5779938]

is there some space for stuff in spanish?

[Anonymous No.5780045]

I'm looking for something to critique now, but here is what I have down so far.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1LOXuxpPSSF7IqWb6kyJ0o8GA3IowJb8YavNolNpQ7_k/edit


Don't read past "...and carried her to safety."

after that is stuff I'm organizing.

[Anonymous No.5780104]

>>5779924
I'll reread tomorrow having this in mind to tell you again what impact it has on me.

>>5779938
Not really, but I'm a native speaker, so post if you want, promise to give it a read tomorrow as well.

[Anonymous No.5780277]

He sat in a tattered chair, washed in a dim blue glow. "Fondle la pirata," he mumbled, "What the fuck."
'Why can't a girl dress as a pirate and beg ME to ravage her from behind?' he thought. Or better yet, why couldn't a real pirate beg him to pound her scurvy ridden love cave? Maybe he could become a pornstar. Then he'd have all the pirate pussy he could fondle. He knew he could never be a porn star, though. He didn't have the build for it, first of all. He was tall and lanky, with skinny-guy abs and pale skin. Most people assumed he was gay due to his feminine facial structure. That and the way he dressed; he never left the house without a scarf, even during summer. He didn't understand what was so homosexual about wearing a scarf. Really, Europeans did it, why couldn't he?
Nonetheless, he would never cut it as a pornstar. His flaccid phallus was around five inches, seven and a half erect. He had an okay penis, he surmised, but he had no other redeeming qualities that would make him stand out.
No, he thought, porn would never do for him. He twisted in his battered office chair, the leather split and fluff protruding from the holes, and reached over toward his bookshelf for his copy of 'Thus Spoke Zarathustra' and his notebook. He didn't actually plan on reading Nietzsche right now, but he liked to hold the book anyways. It made him feel... Roman.
"Fuck."
He opened his pad and began writing about a boy who fucked pirates. 'Gold,' he thought 'absolutely gold.'
Suddenly he remembered something; he darted up out of his chair, through his bedroom door, and down the stairs. He saw it sitting there on the counter: an eyepatch.
"No... No. No no no no NO."
He walked closer to it and picked it up. No, this was definitely it. His mother's eyepatch. There's no way this could be it. He would have to wait and ask when she came home from shopping, which now that he considered it was strange that she went shopping at the same time every day. Even more strange was that she always dressed in some sort of different costume when she left. Tonight she left dressed as a rabbit, yesterday was an ogre, Wednesday was a cat, Tuesday was... A pirate.

[Anonymous No.5780279]

>>5779561
read the rules

[Anonymous No.5780294]

>>5780279
Suck my balls

[Anonymous No.5780295]

>>5780277
read the rules

[Anonymous No.5780577]

>>5780277
scurvy ridden love cave

[Anonymous No.5780723]

>>5779867
>http://pastebin.com/2e0R5y65
Your imagery is dope, the timing is a little over stylized for my taste but you have an excellent use of vocab and environment to make up for it
>The luster tact
I might have used "lustrous," maybe consider the forms of some of the words you're using to flow a little smoother but otherwise excellent work.

[Anonymous No.5780846]

>>5774308
>http://pastebin.com/qFNxsVhk
tne first half is really decent, I

[Anonymous No.5780889]

>>5780723
thank u , welcome to my scurvy ridden love cave

[Anonymous No.5780911]

>>5780723
Here
I was the one who posted >>5780045

[Anonymous No.5781044]

Here's the opening of my story:

As Albert Heller, the Chancellor of the Neo-National Socialist government that had usurped Neo-Deutschland on the planet New Mars, was delivering his hateful speech in support of mass genocide, another leader, not too far away in the solar system, raised a speech. Prime Minister Stanton Churchill, the elected official of Neo-Britain, that watery planet once known as Earth, delivered his speech with a grand furiosity. "We shall fight in the skies, and out in space! We shall fight amongst the stars, and in the asteroids, and on every planet darkened by Heller's forces! We shall defend our planet, whatever the cost may be!"
Private Pland, a soldier recently drafted into the Neo-British army, yawned as Churchill gave his speech on the television, holding a half-eaten apple in his hand. "Hey, you!" He was nudged by his comrade-in-arms, Private Blaine. "You should be listening! Besides, if you look too bored, Sergeant Marshall is going to-"
"What was that?" chipped in Sergeant Marshall from behind. She was a tall, fit woman with short blonde hair and stern features.
"Umm, nothing, Private Marshall, ma'am!"
"Good," replied Private Marshall. "We've got a war to fight. Now please pay attention while the Prime Minister is speaking on the telly, do you understand?"
"Ma'am, yes, ma'am!" replied Privates Pland and Blaine. Little did Private Pland know it, but within a year, Sergeant Marshall would be dead, floating in space, and Private Blaine a prisoner of war, captured and tortured by Heller's forces. It was upon finding this out that Private Pland would assemble a crack team of deserters and soldiers left behind in the muck of battle, and with their help attempt to mount a daring rescue of Private Blaine.

[Anonymous No.5781181]

>>5780045
>https://docs.google.com/document/d/1LOXuxpPSSF7IqWb6kyJ0o8GA3IowJb8YavNolNpQ7_k/edit
it's too often long-winded and self-important without actually BEING important. When it's good, it's terse and fun, like the sign that says, Private Investigator- The best this rathole town has to offer!

>>5774308
>http://pastebin.com/qFNxsVhk
an example of how to be self-important the right way (by also being self-conscious)

>>5775223
>http://pastebin.com/6JkgRWPm
take it over to the poetry thread and see what they think. Super vague and doesn't commit to making the scene specific enough

>>5773194
stop trying to sound smarter than you are. Words like seemed, surely or probably shows that you want to sound clever, like you're telling Watson that it's ELEMENTARY

[Anonymous No.5781191]

>>5781181
Thank you, I had a feeling some of my sentences might run longer than necessary.

[Anonymous No.5781218]

>>5780294
No punctuation. Also, I think you should use quotations to give the reader context.
Here's mine:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/15YFQ_25iH2DPknxUPhGdpm10Xqq-iYVPk3VNNtk0BPI/edit

[Anonymous No.5781223]

>>5777237
This is not funny. You should be ashamed for coming up with such words and images.

[Anonymous No.5781237]

>>5781223
not sure if serious

[Anonymous No.5781248]

>>5781218
>https://docs.google.com/document/d/15YFQ_25iH2DPknxUPhGdpm10Xqq-iYVPk3VNNtk0BPI/edit
what the actual fuck am i rading

[Anonymous No.5781318]

>>5781248
The Crocodile Hands/Tirole protein paragraph is the best.

[Anonymous No.5781328]

>>5781237
No, this is not funny at all. Rape is not a joke.

[Anonymous No.5781333]

>>5781328
>>5781223
>>5777336
>>5777333
>>5777317
these feminist satire posts have gone too far

[Anonymous No.5781337]

>>5781218
>https://docs.google.com/document/d/15YFQ_25iH2DPknxUPhGdpm10Xqq-iYVPk3VNNtk0BPI/edit
I hated it by the fifth word, congratulations are in order because I have never had that happen so fast.
I like your fantastic descriptions but reading this felt like trying to down a handful of salt. What you have here posted is indeed art and as I see it it may be great art but your 'in your face,' bullshit overshadows the piece itself. What am I reading, and what are you trying to say?

[Anonymous No.5781344]

>>5781333
You're trying to cause argument. Good job.

[Anonymous No.5781351]

>>5781344
>Rape is not a joke.
evidently it can be, the poem is funny. Just because something is wrong, doesn't mean you can't joke about it.

[Anonymous No.5781361]

>>5781351
>evidently it can be, the poem is funny.
No, I don't find it funny at all. I am disgusted by it.
If you find it funny it means you are inherently a male chauvinist pig.

[Anonymous No.5781363]

>>5781351

>>5781344 here

>>5781351
I agree completely; go bold or go home. I want more extreme art!

[Anonymous No.5781447]

>>5781337
What's the "'in your face' bullshit?" you're talking about?

[Anonymous No.5781495]

>>5781351
I am going to track your ip and hold you down and fuck the piss out of you

[Anonymous No.5781500]

>>5781495
OH MY GOD.
THAT'S SO UGLY.

[Anonymous No.5781794]

>>5781495
Q: Guess why you're allowed to say shit like that
A: For the same reason that other guy gets to write poems about rape

[Anonymous No.5781803]

>>5781361
>No, I don't find it funny at all. I am disgusted by it.
you're not the authority on what is funny and what isn't, even if you were free speech trumps right to not being disgusted, etc etc

[Anonymous No.5781866]

>>5781361
>those who feel weep, those who think laugh.
learn to consider alternate perspectives dude

[Anonymous No.5782016]

guys can we please get back to the critiques?

[kitty !kitty/EnNg No.5782045]

>>5777237

not bad for a song actually
too flimsy for a poem
i mean the form

[Anonymous No.5782098]

>>5773579
I like your choice of topic and the immediacy of each bodies presence, but yeah as everyone said you're giving very little to go off of. As well I like the idea of say weep as deeply as animals but it sounds clunky, find a way to smooth that and it could be a chilling thing

[Anonymous No.5782103]

The sky had forsaken the vibrating mass of light and heat, the ground had been enveloped by an ominous black as though the world was only catering to death; offering it's surface as a host, like it no longer offered support. Still the dancing silhouettes' swayed to the repetition, as though mocking his lack of vigor and acute awareness. The stiff hand of relapse made his heart erratic, the faces around him carelessly spinning only holding the twisted image of demons , a masquerade of monsters, elastic and sadistic, twirling around him- holding their hands of molten out. The moon took hold of only one figure, her tranquility a barrier of the chaos viciously moving around her, she too had become aware of their circumstance, as all the others spun into the abyss, she cradled the kindling fire light, it's robust flames igniting the air with translucent smoke, bellowing out to the vast entity falling and turning above them. Her eyes hold the sadness and heaviness that his feet do as he approaches, his hand illuminated reaches out, among the fervours' faces and fitful hands it is welcomed. His hand presses against her large heavy mold and they sway steadily against the capricious masses. Her features are eloquent and tame, bearing no significant uniqueness and yet he is in awe by them, they are in sync and their heaviness is beginning to weigh on them as they profusely sweat, her lascivious eyes have set on his and she begins imposing lewdness, acting wanton and provocative. He holds her excess fat, revelling in it's softness for a moment, a reoccurring thought comes to mind and leaves within seconds, they are segregated from the babbling monsters now secluded by the cooing breeze and neutrality of nature. He's breathing is volatile now, they stop their short lived dance as hands are flipped under clothing, toggling the fleshy mass below, he has become crushingly aware of her size at this moment, she is shamelessly begging now, obscenely grinding against him, her hair once soft and buoyant is now rigid and fallen, the simplicity and kindness has drowned from her face, seizing her image with erotic hedonism, her weight is only apparent now, unnatural folds creased on her body, he is trying to maintain his erection while she slowing morphs into an oversexed depraved beast. She has lost her chastity, now another demon that leaves a gaping wound of inadequacy- she is no mystery, she is no beauty, she is him- she is carnal and crude, weak and fat,
his hands were upon himself; she was him, and at his climatic stroke he committed suicide. Lecherous and lonely. He was masturbating at a party

[Anonymous No.5782114]

>>5774071
Everything was extremely livid and loved your personification of autumn and the fact that you used that queer but nice statement back.

I wish you would've given us a juicier part of a story because I have nothing to critique about your writing only could pitch on the story.

[Anonymous No.5782156]

>>5780723
Thanks for the compliment, and indeed, I oughta take a reread to everything and start working on the flow on a word-per-word basis; gonna let it rest for a couple of days and then try to approach it with a clearer mind.

>>5781181
Any specific reason why you feel it's too vague? It is supposed to be dreamy, though maybe you mean it in another way.
Gonna give it a shot at that thread, thanks for the heads up.

>>5779924
>>5780723
>>5780911

Assuming you're the same guy (also, I'm not the one posting about the scurvy love cave, no idea where that guy came from).
Perhaps you could try this.
Write that part of the scene using nothing _but_ the dialogue. No indicators of who or how said what, just plain spoken word, then, when you feel that what you've got is portraying the idea of what the scene is about properly, start adding the elements and descriptions you deem necessary to enrichen the context.

By the way, ever read Steinbeck? His ability to convey a conversation between the characters is top notch, check The Grapes of Wrath if ya haven't.

[The Scat Man No.5782172]

He'd never met a dog he didn't like or a woman he wouldn't fuck. He drank coffee. Too much coffee. His cum was bitter and he'd tell the flabby nineteen year old girls the truth. His semen was so bitter because he drank so much coffee. Sometimes tea with a lot of milk but mostly coffee. He'd pay them extra, firstly to swallow with their eyes open and the next five pounds so they wouldn't flinch at the bitterness. And they were very grateful for his custom and his honesty. He found them online in pictures where they beheaded themselves and laid their assholes against webcams, bare or in white thongs bought in three packs from Asda. He liked the ones with cellulite and the ones who lied about their age. He ordered the ones from Poland or Romania so fresh you could feel the steam on your lips when you broke them. He'd tried an Indian once and it was like the Barclays customer careline was going down on him. She didn't make him wear a condom. He went to their place. They never fucked at his. He always asked for water out of a clean glass. His own place was a shithole except for the bathroom. He ran the toilet rim with lemon bleach every time and used soap that smelt of rosemary. It was like a roast dinner. He couldn't move for the junk that filled his life and he delayed cleaning because he didn't want it to own him. It was a mess and it took him a week to realise that he'd been robbed. When the police came he spoke to them through the chain and his biggest concern was that a black man had been in his flat. He missed nothing except his computer. He read articles about the history of Crimea. Guitar chords for Born to Run. Cheap flights to Germany. How to get high with cinnamon. How to reconnect with your daughter. Interracial chicks. Young Teens. Throatfucking. Helium tank. Oxygen Mask. Alice Pascal. Alice Pascal Stockport. Alice Pascal facebook. Alice Pascal Hybrid limited. Alice Pascal Girlfriend Revenge. He went to the pub across the street. He knew everyone there until they died or went on holiday or moved or stayed in to watch the Apprentice. He went anyway. He liked a drink. He liked three drinks. He liked drinking on the floor. He liked drinking with girls that were married. He liked drinking down the sloppy mouthful of saliva you get before you puke. He liked not puking. He liked the feeling of having puked better. He liked drinking from the tap when he staggered home with wretch or ash or pussy on his tonsils. He liked waking up widely at three am from his heart knocking hard like a brick. He liked drinking the dusty water in the mug by his bed. He liked spilling it across his pillow and waking up with lasagne on his shirt.

[The Scat Man No.5782187]

>>5782103

I'm not sure if this is a joke. It's a lot of effort for it to be and not particularly funny. I'm just going to pretend it's not. It's way too fucking dense. There's no purchase for the reader and you just start skimming and losing your place. At the very least put paragraphs in and drop the heightened diction.When you combine all that with the surreal story it's just a mess.

[The Scat Man No.5782211]

>>5780277

It's quite pleasant to read but it is just dumb and it has no coherence. I assume you're just writing to write and without any plan in mind. It's always better when you are going somewhere specific. It should never read like you are making shit up as a you go along.

I'm not a fan of dropping descriptions like:

>He knew he could never be a porn star, though. He didn't have the build for it, first of all. He was tall and lanky, with skinny-guy abs and pale skin.

It's too contrived and unnatural. You're going in with something very conversational and then starting a long literary type description of a character. IMO you either just describe a character straight up or you tell us about them through the environment and story. You could just have something like "he could never be a pornstar because he couldn't keep his dick hard" which tells us a bit about the character.

[The Scat Man No.5782222]

>>5773667

Just be careful not to sound stupid or cliche. The line

>I made sure to give him my glowing red-eyed death as I left again, he knew what was up

Is a bit childish. The rest is good though. I think you might be going for a kind of realultimatepower thing where you make fun of some of those childish way of speaking but you have to be careful that you are being clever or funny with it and not just being childish. The rest is good.

[Anonymous No.5782241]

>>5782222
>>5782211
>>5782187
>>5782172
based scatologist critique guy, please keep going

[Anonymous No.5782438]

>>5782156
Only the first post was me.

Yeah, that's what I usually do.. it turns out really great most of the time. It's just that in this scene specifically, I'm not saying anything... there's nothing I can convey besides emotion, and I've already piled on the emotion in the narrative.

You would ask me: Why the dialogue then?
Because this scene would be really strange if it was silent. Your best friend is dying right before you and you say nothing to him? Know what I mean?

I just need to figure out something USEFUL I can say through dialogue, then I'd be golden because my dialogue is usually very good If I have an idea for it.

I'm also not well practiced writing emotional bullshit, so... this was a very difficult spot for me.

[The Scat Man No.5782657]

>>5773154

I like this idea. Why not do something interesting with it? Not sure about the mermaid shit.

[The Scat Man No.5782664]

>>5773194

Have you ever actually tried to study an opening? You can write. So don't worry about trying to prove that. Go and see how most of them introduce tangible things and don't put a barrier of dense prose in front of you. I want you to suck me in. Who the fuck is Suriel?

[Anonymous No.5783864]

New thread.
Fuck the rules.
>>5783856

[Anonymous No.5783911]

>>5783864
This thread is nowhere near its bump limit and none cares about the rules, so fuck your thread.

[Anonymous No.5785049]

>>5783911
what are you talking about, we can post writing on both threads because their thread has no rules anyway, it's great!

[Anonymous No.5785227]

>>5772924
Every post here is edgy, autistic bullshit. Critique my work and kill yourselves you don't deserve to be writers.

The cliff we stood on seemed as old as Abraham. Far below, the hungry sea gnawed at its ankle.

Someone once said that paradise is where seagulls are flying beneath your feet. They were arcing and wheeling between the witchcraft of the morning light. An occasional scream would echo from the cliffs, eerie and resonating. The immense vista leading to the horizon was jaw dropping. The Prussian-blue vault of velvet above seemed to solder into the liquid blanket of silver beneath. Far out to sea, a solitary cormorant, sleek wings a-flurry, streaked out to the place where sea and sky melt into each other and was lost from sight.

The slurpy slapping of the sea was muted, a metronomic murmur. The waves were merely snoozing, sluggish and slumbering in their liquid robes. They dribbled up to the beach of the sheltered cove, then shuddered and drizzled their sea spray onto its surface, whisking the stones before releasing. A current of cold electricity passed through the air. We shivered. The wind whipped up. The sea simmered.

Sloshing, swollen to its confined depths, its cavernous bowels stirred, a growling from the fathoms. Suddenly, stone dashed sand teemed as the sea hissed, washed, polished, and lashed the pebbles before sloshing back. It hissed, slipped, dashed the sand and released; fizzed, spit, seethed the beach and released: sizzed, slapped, swished the stones and released.

The mesmeric beauty of its beat was heart-swelling. We realized then that the sea was its own master, kindling its own symphony. It hadn’t finished its song yet, however. The wind, the midwife of the seas, served a different master and whipped it into a frenzy.

The echo of a raspy rumbling from the enraged sea came to us, a tremulousness to fear. The waves were really sloshing, slurping and slobbering with their salty lips. They pounded into the cliff of the sheltered cove, then paused and pounced with malice onto its ankle, slamming the rock before releasing. A rumour of its malevolence passed through our legs. We shivered. The wind died down. The sea bubbled. Trembling, throbbing to its rotten beat, its malicious soul stirred, a warning from the ages. Suddenly, rip-tide rolls heaved as the sea foamed, crashed, pounded and bashed the cliff-foot before sloshing back. It foamed and frothed, plunged down hard and pummelled the hated cliffs; it lathered and lacerated, bucked waves and buckled itself; it smacked and smashed, surging waves and expunging its awful rage.

Its hissy fit over, it swelled once more, juddered and was still.

[Anonymous No.5785397]

>>5785227
da fuck i just read

[Anonymous No.5785830]

>>5785227
if this was a book, i wouldn't read it. but it would read well as a short story or something. i just couldnt do a novel of this personally. maybe it would need some getting used to. p unique i like it over all

[Anonymous No.5785921]

>>5785227

Oh god, this read like some high school creative writing exam where you get points for using alliteration and onomatopoeia. It doesn't work kid. It reads like a child's story and while sounding nice (in a rhythmic way) it doesn't conjure up any vivid imagery. And presumably you are trying to write a story here because nobody gives a shit about descriptive writing on its own. Take a fucking picture next time.

I think you are trying to make the sea sound evil but it's lost with all the cutesy language you are using and a lot of it is pedestrian description of a day at the seaside. And why the fuck has the sea changed so quickly? One minute it's Spot the dog shit and then you're some hack version of McCarthy.

[Anonymous No.5786674]

>>5782156
That's an interesting way to think about it, I'll try to be more descriptive with dialogue.

[Anonymous No.5786693]

>>5785227
>The slurpy slapping
lol come on dude

[Anonymous No.5786972]

>>5785830
>>5785397
>>5786674
>>5786693
>>5786674
>>5785921
>>5785227
>>5785830
>>5785397

You're all just jealous cunts.

[Anonymous No.5787010]

>>5786972
what

[Anonymous No.5788354]

>>5786972
I mean, you're right, but I'm offended nonetheless.

[Anonymous No.5790271]

>>5785227
Occasionally goofy word choice.
Generally pretty-sounding, but a little tryhard. And, ultimately, what's the point?

>>5781218
>I was in the prison hospital for two days
>The doctor said I vomited dark red blood for weeks
What
It reads like something that would become copypasta if it'd been posted in comments on /b/. I don't know if that's what you were going for.


HERE'S MY THING:
http://pastebin.com/jhLPu5M4
It's the fifth in a series so you might miss little things, but I don't think that would be an issue.

I'm gonna read more stuff but probably not actually critique

[Anonymous No.5790310]

>>5781794
Because we live in a free society where people are allowed to express themselves in whatever way they want? For instance:
Get raped
Get fucking raped rapity rape rape rape rape rape
I will fucking RAPE you.
I will RAPE my computer
I am going to RAPE the fuck out of my computer screen.
Then, I'm going to stick my dick in a paper cup, and rape the shit out of the ice cubes and enjoy the feeling of the shards of ice over my glans.
I'm going to hold someone the fuck down, and thrust my penis inside of them, forcefully.

Fuck you.

[Anonymous No.5790320]

>>5772924
test

[Anonymous No.5790678]

>>5790310
the guy you replied to agrees with you, dumbass

[Anonymous No.5792853]

>>5778458
lmao that whole shit conversation