[ 3 / biz / cgl / ck / diy / fa / ic / jp / lit / sci / vr / vt ] [ index / top / reports ] [ become a patron ] [ status ]

2023-11: Warosu is now out of extended maintenance.

/lit/ - Literature

File: 25 KB, 1024x1024, 1024px-Heart_corazón.svg.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]

5583794

Anonymous Tue Oct 14 18:45:25 2014 No.5583794 [Reply] [Original]

Any thoughts comments on this poem i wrote?

You said to me you loved me
and there i knew it true
i kissed your lips
tousled your hair
and promised you the world

I said I'd be there for you always
our gifted me your heart
and i gave you mine
as i promised you the world

i promised you a future
a home with splendor and cheer
i said you were my everything
and that you would never cry
while i promised you the world

i met up with some old friends
and much to your dismay
i did some things to you
that words jus can not say
i lied i sneaked i vanished
and yet i promised you the world

you stuck with me through thick and thin
fir i still held your heart
and you soon found yourself
sitting lonesome in the dark
you grew tired of my antics
your anger brewed inside
and as you started doubting
i still promised you the world

i'll never forget that night
however hard i try
the night you said goodbye
i realized you were through
i know words cant descrive
the pain i put you through
i cant promsie you the world
but i do promise i will try
i know i hurt you deeply
and that i cant deny
i pray that time will heal all wounds
so maybe we can try

Please excuse all the grammar errors, i was in a hurry and just need some opinions on the content.

>>	Anonymous Tue Oct 14 18:47:08 2014 No.5583800 >>5583794 oh boy another love poem it's trite

>>	Anonymous Tue Oct 14 18:50:22 2014 No.5583815 >>5583800 Love poem was the assignment. I'm looking for opinions on the content and the over all flow.

>>

Anonymous Tue Oct 14 18:52:00 2014 No.5583816

Where are you in this? Did you even have a relationship? Were you even fucking hurt? If you weren't, why the fuck are you writing a poem?

An 8 year old might have more emotional maturity. There isn't an ass-scratching piece of shit on this board, literally bar none, who couldn't send this to an ex and have it be relevant. Put yourself, or her, or something that has a shred of goddamn meaning, in this or don't write at all.

>>	Anonymous Tue Oct 14 18:52:00 2014 No.5583817 >>5583815 Its in limerick. Rewrite it as a sonnet chain.

>>	Anonymous Tue Oct 14 18:53:34 2014 No.5583821 >>5583794 honestly the worst poem i have ever read

>>	Anonymous Tue Oct 14 19:02:08 2014 No.5583848 What?

>>	Anonymous Tue Oct 14 19:04:10 2014 No.5583855 Well obviously I suck at writing, but the honest replies are appreciated.

>>	AnonBot !!9CdHCP3iv0I Tue Oct 14 19:05:03 2014 No.5583859 >>5583794 Sorry OP but it sucks. If it's for school don't worry about it though who cares.

>>	Anonymous Tue Oct 14 19:11:41 2014 No.5583883 >>5583855 >honest replies are appreciated >honest replies >honest Drown yourself in a river of shit. Human culture will be better off for it.

>>

Anonymous Tue Oct 14 19:15:16 2014 No.5583892

Honestly, i think you should scrap the whole thing, or at least put it to side and write something else entirely.
If you can, you should make it shorter and be more conscious about your choices of word, they don't have to be completely logical, you are supposed to evoke some emotions and create some imagery and i think you failed to do so.
Love poems can be wonderful, but just telling a story is not enough

>>

Anonymous Tue Oct 14 19:19:04 2014 No.5583903

10/10. Rolling Stones calls it a "masterpiece." New York Times says "prepare yourself for the journey of a lifetime." Two thumbs up. Bravo. Encore. It's found a permanent place on my nightstand! It changed my life. I love you, OP, and I'm your biggest fan. Riveting. Astonishing. An instant cult classic. Fans of poetry rejoice. If Steven King and Shakespeare had a love child, this would be it. It rocked my world.

>>	Anonymous Tue Oct 14 19:21:17 2014 No.5583907 >>5583892 And i know it is very vague, but i just have never been into poetry that just plain and simple describe something in the way you did.. it is basically I liked a girl she liked me - poetic phrase then something went wrong poetic phrase

>>	Anonymous Tue Oct 14 19:28:27 2014 No.5583935 File: 96 KB, 400x398, 30784305.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>5583883 get a load of this edgelord

>>	Anonymous Tue Oct 14 19:29:09 2014 No.5583936 kolsti plz go

>>	Anonymous Tue Oct 14 19:35:13 2014 No.5583975 >>5583935 Not so into honesty now OP?

>>	Anonymous Tue Oct 14 19:38:56 2014 No.5583990 this isn't a poem it's just you saying some shit

>>	Anonymous Tue Oct 14 19:40:05 2014 No.5583995 >>5583975 roses are red I'm not OP don't talk to me you cringebucket

>>	Anonymous Tue Oct 14 20:14:36 2014 No.5584146 >>5583995 Miku is red Chilno is blue You are a neet I fucked your touhou.

>>	Anonymous Tue Oct 14 23:47:51 2014 No.5585210 File: 2.33 MB, 275x248, 5142902.gif [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >i kissed your lips >tousled your hair

>>	kitty !kitty/EnNg Wed Oct 15 00:20:41 2014 No.5585312 lips are to kiss hair are to touch your poetry a diss [i'm too polite to write 'piss'] i dislike it much