Writing Critique

[Anonymous No.5353241]

http://pastebin.com/f9FNnE7C

I just wrote this. It kinda blends two ideas that have been running through my head recently.

[Anonymous No.5353260]

you gotta be kidding me

you write worser then kurt vonnegut.

[Anonymous No.5353289]

>>5353260
alright

[Anonymous No.5353297]

http://pastebin.com/tQNnwjbr

Just the start of a short story I'm working on.

[Anonymous No.5353305]

The large old doors of the church swung open violently and shut just as quick. A man, nervous and meek-looking, had entered and was now staggering down the aisle towards the altar.

“Father!” he called out, “I need your help, urgently!” And after a few more steps the man stumbled and fell on the floor. At that moment the priest emerged and, upon seeing the collapsed man, jumped into a sprint and darted to where the man lay, helping him up onto a pew.

“Are you alright, my son?” the priest said.

“Father, –” the man said, slowly, weakly, shivering from the cold.

“Yes?”

“I need to ask you something.”

“Of course my son, what is on your mind?”

“Can you turn the heating on?”

“This is a church, it doesn’t have a heater.”

“But it’s very cold in here.”

“I know that.”

“But it’s very cold in here,” repeated the man, this time in a different tone.

“I know that,” responded the priest in an equally as different tone.

“Well you’re a shit priest,” the man said jumping from the pew.

The priest, now confused, asked the man, “Is that all you wanted? Heating?”

“Heating? Bloody hell Father, you’re stupid!” The man began to pace up and down the aisle, staring down the priest who sat on the pew in a daze.

“Then what is it that you want?” the priest said.

“I want to ask you a question!”

“I thought asking for the heater to be turned on was the question?”

The man stopped, shook his head in disgust at the priest, and said, “You think I’d come into a church and ask a stupid question like that?”

The priest rolled his eyes and sighed, “What is your question?”

“I don’t know that I want to ask you now considering your poor effort with the heater.”

“There is no heater here to be turned on.”

“Pfft, typical!”

“What is your question?”

“No Father, I think I’ve had enough of your antics for one day!” And with that the man made his way to the exit at an aggressive pace, giving the priest intermittent dirty looks over his shoulder, until, finally, the large old doors of the church shut behind him and he was gone.

[Anonymous No.5353308]

>>5353297

pretty bad anon sorry

the narrator sounds like something the typical navel-gazing masturbatory amateur male writer would come up with

also the opening sentence is terribly clichéd

so is the end, when the prof begins to talk about the vietcong. just very stilted and unrealistic


honest opinion idk what potential it currently has, needs a lot more work I think

[Anonymous No.5353332]

>>5353297
It doesnt sound very creative to me anon. Right now it sounds like you're just writing for the sake of writing, which is good, but try to think of something interesting. Think of a story that you'd like to read. Would you really pick this story up if you glanced at it? Me neither.

Also:
> I spoke up and replied.
>“No, that’s all for now. Thanks.”
Put this on one line, I thought the professor interrupted the student.
>I was not paying much mind to whether or not that was too informal. I figured that personability was the best route in such situations.
This feels really wordy and strange. Wouldnt it be easier to say something like, "I spoke abruptly, but I thought that was better." It gets to the point without hanging on a detail.

>>5353305
I like being blue-balled like that, but it really should lead somewhere. Its really exciting until he just leaves. I get that you're going for the anxiety of never knowing what he was going to say, but reading something that short and devoid of meaning feels less like existentialism and more like time wasted.

[Anonymous No.5353333]

>>5353241
wtf tense is this even, the first sentence is poorly worded headfuck

[Anonymous No.5353334]

“Kiss me! Kiss me! You’ll do nothing wrong the sooner you kiss me! James! I need all of this! This hiding in the bastion has got me sick. I’d rather burn than see myself grow old with him, and this seems less likely the case with you. Do you not want a secret to hide? Something to keep us up at night, I say! Less than quicksilver the ideal, of course. I’m growing awfully tired. I’ll try not to suck my thumb, but I must ponder! What’s so great about India? Are they too busy flying kites to even notice we are gone? That must be it! The summoned serpents seem to be the only ones doing as they’re told, and that’s by way of flute! Am I inaudible to you James? Am I insane? Look at me James. Fetch me another poppy, one that is in full bloom.”

[Anonymous No.5353341]

>>5353332
It isn't quite finished yet. I agree about the awkwardness of those lines and I'll try to rewrite them. Overall, the story is supposed to be about the professors account of My Lai and his participation in the incident.

[Anonymous No.5353350]

>>5353332
Guy who wrote the priest story here, good to hear that you got blue-balled that was the intention. And it isn't about existentialism, its more about people who get mad when religion doesn't give them the answers they want and how they are stupid.

I'll try and make it go somewhere while still retaining the blue-balling. thanks.

[Anonymous No.5353358]

>>5353333
The first line is shitty but I dont know how to start shit ever. Fuck. I hope you read ahead anyway.

>>5353341
That sounds way more interesting. You should start it there, or at least start with the professor talking about it, wait for him to pause, and in the pause you can talk about how the student was roped into hearing this story and how awkward it was.

[Anonymous No.5353360]

>>5353358
That's fair enough, I'm the complete opposite, I don't know how to end shit ever (my endings always suck). I'd say remove everything before 'He planted his shovel...' and just have that as the beginning.

[Anonymous No.5353365]

>>5353360
That sounds okay. I kinda hate when a book just throws me into the action with an opening like that, Ill definitely trim down the opening sentence. It reads choppy and confusing and moves way farther in time than it should. Wow. What the fuck.

>>5353350
No problem anon

[Anonymous No.5353369]

>>5353358
That's a good idea. I wasn't too sure how to how open it. I'll give it a try.

[Anonymous No.5353373]

>>5353241
>http://pastebin.com/f9FNnE7C
guy, two paragraphs in. should i keep going? when does it get good?

[Anonymous No.5353376]

>>5353373
m-maybe when he gets to the little girls room?

[Anonymous No.5353379]

>>5353373
Who reads amateur writing waiting for it to be "good".
He is asking you to read it for critique.

[Anonymous No.5354473]

To guard the upper ramparts of the older structures is often looked upon as a crueller form of duty, especially in the cruel grip of winter. The paths and stairs that wind about the surface of that particular tower were not unlike those singular chords that hold the blood beneath the skin, running and crossing about one another with a thousand corners of treachery. Thinking on these tubes, and then upon the smallness of them when compared to my own body, I felt at once much smaller than myself, aware that at any moment I could vault the icy rail and join the yawning voids that stood to either side. I halted, lashed the laces of my boots more tightly about my feet.
And yet to ignore the drop was in itself an impossibility. Looking upwards brought to my vision gaps in the stairs that were carved above the ones I traced, gaps my boots would have to at some point find and clear; gazing below revealed a thousand cracks, whose encouragement might remove the walkway in its entirety. To say I was cold is I suppose correct, but it was not a natural sort of cold. Rather, I felt sickly, as if I stood upon a stage that was witnessed by a thousand mocking daemons. A torch burned in my hand, roared when the wind attacked it, but it did nothing to alleviate this coldness. Rather, I felt more than I had before the nakedness of my location, aware that in the murk and clouds that surrounded the walkway there could lurk beings older than even the gods that governed us. To these beings, I would seem mere as dust, my torch less than a single winking star. I thought I saw movement then, a stirring in the mists. Surely there was something large there, something both suspended and heavy, whose shadow bruised the clouds and whose weight dented the air. Maybe it was a thing that had descended from the outer reaches of the void, come from lands impossibly distant to contend with our celestial powers. I stared for a moment into the stirring cold, and felt the rain as it pattered upon the beak of my mask. But nothing came. So it was that I continued the walk, saddened by the departure of the being, and resigned as well to the nature of my duty.

First two paragraphs of a fantasy book I'm writing. The narrator isn't very sane, and the setting has an emphasis of decay to it. I can't really plot very well yet, but how's the prose? Do you guys like it?

[Anonymous No.5354513]

>>5354473
It's a bit dry.

[Anonymous No.5354529]

>>5354513
Can you explain this to me a bit? Give an example so I know what I'm doing wrong?

[Anonymous No.5354545]

>>5354473
I probably should have proof-read this; many things here don't make sense at all. Please ignore, I'll return with something revised later.

[Anonymous No.5354555]

>>5354529
It's not very exciting and I find it overly descriptive. A little purple although not as bad as it could be. I wouldn't say to rewrite or cut it from the book, but have something with a bit more of a hook to draw the reader in before it.

Also you shouldn't pluralise "void" to "voids". I don't know if it's correct or not but it sounds bad. As does a void "standing". Try
>rail and join the yawning void on either side.

[Anonymous No.5354557]

>>5353241
Too many adverbs and -ings, keep tripping before reaching the end of a sentence. English not your native language?

[Anonymous No.5354579]

>>5354555
But the plural for void is voids. Maybe "the void below" would work better. I'll trim the fat off the description and try to make it move a little more quickly, thank you very much for your input.

[Anonymous No.5356926]

>>5353241
I want to believe that you're deliberately using this convoluted style because you're actually really good and not an ESL writer, but it's looking very unlikely. This is not an insult to your person, just a statement of what your writing seems like to me. Supposing it IS all deliberate, you read like you're trying too hard to be unique. It doesn't hurt to write conventionally.

Your actual story, however, is pretty interesting and would be fun to read if it weren't for the convoluted prose you need to wade through. Simplify your language and it should get a lot better.

[Anonymous No.5356940]

>>5353241
Boring as fuck, sorry bro.

[Anonymous No.5356949]

https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B6xJnxhh2GFAV0R5Uzhsb1ZUMHc/edit


Second of two short stories of the collection.

Google fucks up the format a bit so it looks like shit.

I post them on reddit, tumblr, and twitter.

Hate all three but hey, someone is reading it.

Take a look if ya want.

[Anonymous No.5356951]

>>5353241
What are those ideas, anon

[Anonymous No.5356967]

No there's already a poetry thread

[Anonymous No.5356969]

>>5353297
Aside from nothing happening in the story, and your protagonist being too immature to be interesting, with his
>I fell in love momentarily (props for using "momentarily" the proper way though)

the biggest issue with this is your prose. It's disjointed, for want of a better word. There is insufficient flow between your sentences, and your rhythms are all over the place. A lot of your descriptions also seem elaborate for the sake of being elaborate, like
>reality soon encroached upon my sweet ephemeral delusion
There's literally no reason to put in so much information unless you're trying to make a point with it, and I don't think you are. Of course, your overdescription might be deliberate to illustrate protagonist character, but that just makes him sound like an immature faggot.

Really, the only way for you to improve your prose is to get fluent. So keep reading and keep writing.

[Anonymous No.5356986]

>>5353241
>http://pastebin.com/f9FNnE7C
dude this is terrible!

[Anonymous No.5357018]

>>5353241
I don't like it. It feels like you're trying to write poetry and prose at the same time. Cut down on the flowery details and get rid of the details that are unnecessary.

[Anonymous No.5357031]

http://pastebin.com/ffg8gv8g

Someone feel like reading through this? It's only 1000 words. Be as mean as you can.

Before anyone asks, I made the other thread for criticism but it looks about to derail into Eva waifu arguments rather than serious criticism.

[Anonymous No.5357039]

>>5356951
this isnt a critisism, you just said you had two ideas floating around

[Anonymous No.5357062]

If anyone wants to read about 10 pages of drek, you're welcome to it. And, before you ask, yes the anachronism of certain characters and the stilted nature of characters is intentional
http://pastebin.com/Xr8qiQWG

[Anonymous No.5357066]

>>5357018
>not writing poetry even when writing prose

jesus

[Anonymous No.5357072]

>>5356951
One was a guy pretending to be the Sandman, and one was the narrator becoming interested with other things and missing out on details/events happening in the story.

Also I wanted to see if projecting the stereotypical syllables in the description of somewhere would subconsciously add to the scene. The part about China for instance:
>dragons die nasty
"dynasty"
>again this con!
"Ghengis Khan"

It seems pretty forced, but I think it could work better if I could make it more seamless.

>>5356986
>>5356940
Thanks for reading it. I'd kinda like some more fundamental comments, but s'all good.

>>5356926
The other stories that I've written lately had much more conventional wording and were a lot more straight forward. I like them better holistically, but I was interested in trying out a new sort of style and writing in a sort of past-progressive way. Im not completely saving face here, Im sure some of the stuff I did on purpose is bad, but I thought it was cool in the story. Thats why you need other people to read it though.

[Anonymous No.5357075]

>>5353305
Pretty funny, I like it
Feels like some kind of Kafka-lite

[Anonymous No.5357138]

>>5357072
Now that you've explained it all your writing seems more reasonable. You really need to get some practice in, though. I'd say don't compound your clauses so much that they actually become difficult to read, like with
>Trade winds lifted top-sand across, sprinkling onto walkways, scattering across chairs, and gently, particularly tacking against outer-glass windows temporarily, expecting to be evaporated, crush-sizzled, burnt by the new yellow sun that crenellated the familiar morning.

And more elementary issues like
>Propon plodded unevenly away from the hole
plod and uneven overlap too much in meaning for one not to be redundant
>fearing the now deafening blare of the bolt lurching back mechanically, when, “Mommy?”
Personal peeve more than anything, but this kind of [clause], "dialogue" thing reads amateurishly.
>tip-toeing instinctively, a ballerina!
if you're going to use weird exclamatives for effect (and this IS effective, don't get me wrong), get their clauses grammatically correct. this would feel better if "a ballerina" were an independent clause.
>Propon began to hum a familiar, nursery tune
your comma is wrong.

Now that I know I can take you seriously I'd say your work is interesting, but not interesting enough that people would actually force themselves through your style to get to it. If you can improve you're style you're good.

[Anonymous No.5357153]

here's a story, it's a rewrite of a story i posted maybe a year ago so if this is familiar to anyone it's a rewrite.

http://pastebin.com/PWVhqD7f

its about... burning garbage

[Anonymous No.5357155]

>>5357031
Somehow you do a really good job of conveying claustrophobia through words, but this comes at the cost of me not being sure what's going on or having a clear picture in my mind. I do like it though, I wanted to keep reading to get a better image and figure it out, which is good.

That said:
>This was a fact he was as certain of as he was his sanity
The word "sanity" presents way too many ideas in the readers head. It really detracts, especially when you say it again a paragraph later. Insane people don't think they're crazy but they dont have a fixation on reminding themselves that they're sane.
>had been
>had happened
>had been
>had hyperventilated
>maybe he hadn’t
>had worked
This was immensely distracting in the first 3 lines. Choose a more active tense.
>coffins at sea
>sinking endlessly through waters
>With them came a flood
Whats the deal with all this water
>And then she was in front of him, and the elevator doors were closed and they were speeding down the shaft like falling.
like falling what
>He opened his mouth, but the only words that came were fragments of fairy tales and lullabies sung in duet. With them came a flood of other memories.
Very purple. Im not even sure what this means.

[Anonymous No.5357158]

>>5357072
>Also I wanted to see if projecting the stereotypical syllables in the description of somewhere would subconsciously add to the scene. The part about China for instance:
>>dragons die nasty
>"dynasty"
>>again this con!
>"Ghengis Khan"
thats a cool thing to do somewhere. literally no irony intended. I didnt even notice that in there around the other stuff

[Anonymous No.5357176]

>>5357138
Thanks, I almost wanna post a story that I feel is infinitely better just to prove myself, but that's not what this thread is about.

The style is really forced, but I wanted that sort of "every sentence has its own timeline" kind of effect, but it IS really long winded and confusing.

If you could rewrite that first sentence, what would you say?

[Anonymous No.5357184]

>>5357155
>The word "sanity" presents way too many ideas in the readers head
I will take a note of that, although I'm not sure what I can replace "sanity" with. Is it obvious that the narrator is unbalanced from the text, that I don't need to include "sanity"?
>Choose a more active tense
Good point. I'll see what I can do.

>Whats the deal with all this water
some convoluted "ocean of the mind" metaphor I was going for which I ripped off the Utena elevator scenes
>like falling what
It's grammatically incorrect, but I wanted to convey "speeding like falling".
>Very purple
I've changed the line a bit. Basically just wanted to convey that all he can think about is his baby being born.

Thanks for all this criticism.

[Anonymous No.5357202]

>>5357176
>If you could rewrite that first sentence, what would you say?
That's a lot you're asking, anon. I suppose I'd just make everything full clauses for easy understanding. That'd be enough to make it readable.

>Trade winds lifted the top-sand, sprinkling it onto walkways, scattering it across chairs, and tacking it against outer-glass windows to be crush-sizzled by the new sun that crenellated the morning.

>gently, particularly
excised because I don't know what you're trying to convey.
>evaporated, burnt
you already have a triple of clauses at the start, so another one of words is unnecessary.
>yellow
excised for rhythm
>familiar
I'd say if the sun is new then the morning has to be familiar. It's less explicit than before, but, again, its rhythmically better this way.

Of course, this way all your unique jumpiness is gone, but it's much easier to read. You can still keep all your weird language too.

[Anonymous No.5357214]

>>5357176
"Mines better. Mines better. Mines iiiiiinfinitley better. Fedoras are awesome"

[Anonymous No.5357223]

>>5357184
Yeah the narrator definitely feels unbalanced, plus the "256 words" detail definitely indicates there's something up with him.

>>5357153
>borrow into your veins.
cmon man
>What gave them the right, what let them think they can get climb onto him, ride on him, violate his personal space like this?
I think this is really a strange question to put into the narration. It feels like Im watching a movie and someone is asking me why something on the screen is happening. Id take it out.
>The God believed this, and what Gods believed, was true.
Huge shift to the past here.
>hate rising from his guts like a flooding submarine
would a flooding submarine rise?

I like the idea of the story though. It moves really fast though, you should describe where the God lives a bit more and where like, stuff is because Im not getting the clearest image. Like it sounds like a farm, but then he leaves, and like where are the maggots exactly? Also, if burning the garbage is how morning starts, what happens to mornings when he leaves and doesnt start the fire? That's really bothering me. The image of the child god holding is breath and tripping is probably my favorite part of the story. Slow it down and nit-pick a little and that'd be really good. Maybe read Salman Rushdie's children's book "Haroun and the Sea of Stories," your story sounds like that type and he does it very well.

[Anonymous No.5357269]

>>5357223
ahh thanks! yes my proofreading was bad sorry about that. i took out the question, fixed the weird tense, and changed it to "like water flooding a submarine"

im glad the idea is interesting, i wanted to write the boy as like a cthulu like elder God, but it turned more mythological than i wanted it to. i meant that that's how the God started his morning, but you thinking that this is a myth type story is interesting and i may try to fit that layer in!

i would like to be more descriptive of the area, but i always feel like i'd bore people, hence the quick pacing. i am trying to be as slim as possible because i have had problems... showing off, let's say. i'm not sure how to be immersive while pacing correctly though. such a delicate balance.

[Anonymous No.5357282]

If anyone would be so kind. It's pretty short.
http://pastebin.com/SUnwYQ0K

[Anonymous No.5357295]

>>5357282
>http://pastebin.com/SUnwYQ0K
intro is a little corny im sorry man. chronic misfortune, come on dude. you can do better.

[Anonymous No.5357300]

>>5357075
thanks anon

[Anonymous No.5357302]

>>5357031
aww i really like this. except it gets kinda lost in paragraph 25, i really dont feel like the profundity of that paragraph was earned. the character is really interesting though.

[Anonymous No.5357407]

first 2 pages of a fantasy novel. thoughts/crit?

[Anonymous No.5357838]

>>5357407
I hate his name

[Anonymous No.5357981]

>>5357407
It's okay, I'm interested to learn more. The writing is nothing special, but as this is third person fantasy, it doesn't really need to be