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/lit/ - Literature

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5257448 No.5257448[DELETED]  [Reply] [Original]

>enter bookstore
>"Good day,Can I help you with something?"
>"O-oh I'm just looking"
>2 minutes later
"Are you looking for anything?"
>continues to stand next to me as I'm browsing books

I can't be the only autist who stops going to bookstores when the staff make me uncomfortable

>> No.5257452

Just tell him you're looking for The God Delusion.

>> No.5257466

>go to store
>stand there looking at paint supplies for half an hour because
>can't concentrate
>push the paints to better see them
>they fall all over the floor out the back
>guy rushes up to me
>What are you doing?
>kicks me out of the store
>walk out feeling like a criminal

teenage autism

>> No.5257666

I like to slowly unveil my power level with the staff just to keep them in check

>"Are you looking for anything?"
>"Yes, please show me where you keep your Wallace"
>"Wallace? like David FOSTER Wallace? Whoa, cool, I thought you were gonna ask for that Steve Jobs biography or something. Yeah man, Infinite Jest's right over here.
>She hands me a copy of Infinite Jest
>her: "So you like Wallace huh, yeah me too, have you read Brief --"
>I hold up a single open hand while she is speaking, immediately silencing her, then turn to a random page in the book
>I smile quietly to myself as I read the entire page, occasionally snorting cryptically
>After finishing the page I close the book and hand it back to her, still smiling
>Me: "He's terrible, isn't he? Absolutely awful. Put that book back and please show me your Joyce"
>She puts back Infinite Jest with an alarmed look on her face, then takes me to the Joyce section of the librairie
>Her: "Joyce? Yeah I read part of Dubliners in my 400-level community college English class. Do you, uh, d-do you think he's good--"
>"Read this"
>I have shoved Finnegans Wake under her nose
>"Out loud"
>her: "ba...babba......bababadgharf....bababagargrfap--
>I rip the book out of her hands and stare directly into her eyes
>me: "Completely wrong, it's bababadalgharaghtakamminarronnkonnbronntonnerronntuonnthunntrovarrhounawnskawntoohoohoor-denenthurnuk. bababadalgharaghtakamminarronnkonnbronntonnerronntuonnthunntrovarrhounawnskawntoohoohoor-denenthurnuk is portmanteau of various thunder-related words from languages all across the globe; in this context it represents Eve's tragic fall to Satan and the subsequent collapse of Eden. It is perhaps the single most important, emotive, and creative word ever spoken in the entire history of human speech, literally transcending language, and you cannot even read it."
>I throw Finnegans Wake in her face and inform the store manager that he has hired an illiterate
>I leave the story with a copy of Ark Angel: The Fifth Alex Rider Adventure under my coat, unpaid for

>> No.5257678
File: 62 KB, 631x612, ignatiusjreillyx13j2xe.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
5257678

ITT:

>> No.5257688

>>5257666
7/10

>> No.5257696

>>5257666
>Completely wrong, it's bababadalgharaghtakamminarronnkonnbronntonnerronntuonnthunntrovarrhounawnskawntoohoohoor-denenthurnuk.

Okay, this was actually pretty funny.

>> No.5257697

>>5257448
>continues to stand next to me as I'm browsing books
That's just bad salesman tactics, anyone has a right to be annoyed at that. If someone does it, simply tell them you aren't looking for help, thank you, and stare at them until they walk away. If they don't take that hint, they're the autistic ones, and their manager is going to get a talking to from me.

>> No.5257703

>>5257697
>complaining to managers

Do people actually do this? I thought it was only middle-aged women with too much time on their hands

>> No.5257716

>>5257448
>"Are you looking for anything?"
yes, battletoads

>> No.5257717

>>5257666
toppest of keks

>> No.5257719

>>5257716
what's the battletoads of lit?

>> No.5257722

>>5257666
lel

>> No.5257729

>>5257719
the critique of pure reason
insanely difficult, and nobody's actually read it

>> No.5257735

>>5257666

Those satan trips confirm this should a staple of /lit/ humor. It's perfect, kudos.

>> No.5257736

>>5257666
well done sir

>> No.5257740

>>5257666

> It is perhaps the single most important, emotive, and creative word ever spoken in the entire history of human speech,

>bababadalgharaghtakamminarronnkonnbronntonnerronntuonnthunntrovarrhounawnskawntoohoohoor-denenthurnuk. bababadalgharaghtakamminarronnkonnbronntonnerronntuonnthunntrovarrhounawnskawntoohoohoor-denenthurnuk

This transcends humour.

>> No.5257743
File: 927 KB, 240x192, 1401478508821.gif [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
5257743

>>5257666

>> No.5257754

>>5257703
i went through a period of psychosis where i had paranoid delusions that people were trying to poison me, so on several occasions in coffee shops i asked for the manager and accused my server was trying to kill me

>> No.5257765

>>5257754
>Oh great first day on the job and someone thinks I'm trying to kill them already
>We're not even allowed to use that stuff anyways, not without someone from corporate personally visiting our manager and telling them so

>> No.5258312
File: 41 KB, 399x444, 1383979745310.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
5258312

>go to big chain bookstore
>pick up Mein Kampf, Lolita, and The God Delusion
>waiting in line for ages
>light up a stogie
>start loudly chatting up old ladies and families in line next to me
>thumb through the expensive knick-knacks next to the checkout, knocking several onto the floor, and repeatedly tell my fellow line-goers to "look at all this horseshit"
>complain that there are too few cashiers per customer, allege that this is the fault of "kikes"
>finally reach the checkout
>array the books so their covers are all facing up
>toss them onto the counter in a radial formation, all facing directly at the cashier, a slightly overweight girl in her early 20s
>she looks down at them and pauses, her jaw dropping in disbelief as the fuhrer himself stares back up at her
>blow smoke into her face and ask "some kind of problem, toots?"
>she coughs and nervously stutters the name of the book, as if to verify that someone could ever purchase it intentionally
>"yeah" I reply, before placing my index finger on the cover of Lolita, and leaning across to her side of the counter
>"and this one's about a pedophile"
>her face is now wan with shock and horror
>"oh my god," she mutters
>"God's dead, honey"
>everyone around us goes dead silent
>pick up the books and leave without paying
>no one even calls security

>> No.5258328

>>5257666
>Except she was prettier and less sluty

>> No.5258349

>>5257666
this guy's done his research, bloody lovely
10/10

>> No.5258399

>>5257666
my arse is full of fart laffs

>> No.5258400

>>5258349
>this guy's done his research
bullshit, Ark Angel is the sixth Alex Rider book, not the fifth, and "The x-th Alex Rider Adventure" does NOT appear as a subtitle to of any of Anthony Horowitz's books in his Alex Rider series. in fact, no books in the series even have subtitles!

>> No.5259087

>>5257666
>I hold up a single open hand while she is speaking, immediately silencing her, then turn to a random page in the book
>I smile quietly to myself as I read the entire page, occasionally snorting cryptically
>After finishing the page I close the book and hand it back to her, still smiling
>Me: "He's terrible, isn't he?

>"Read this"
>I have shoved Finnegans Wake under her nose
>"Out loud"

holy shit I just laughed so fucking hard