My Confession:

[Anonymous No.5066045]

I did not always have a spiritual life, during my teenage years I was a self-proclaimed atheist. Like many adolescents, I discovered Nietzsche and decided that I didn't need God anymore. I soon delved into other existentialist thinkers and was seduced by the promise that I could be master of my universe if only I possessed the strength of will to do what was necessary. Having been shielded from any significant hardship during my upbringing, I was confident that I could repel any adversary and that I alone possessed the power to achieve my goals. Furthermore, I became comfortable with the notion that “good” and “evil” were relative terms and that fixing either was oppressive. It was not enough that I should be liberated from the shackles of religion, but I felt a responsibility to awaken others to the perils of theism. I was the first to mock whenever spirituality became the topic of discussion and God bless my pious mother for tolerating me during my existentialist phase.

[Anonymous No.5066047]

>>5066045
Upon entering college, the realization that other people did not particularly care about me challenged my relativistic mindset. My realization was not a criticism or a negative thing, only an awareness of people’s tendency to view me in basically the same way I viewed them: inconsequential from a practical perspective. I realized that my relativistic philosophy trapped me inside my own subjectivity; any judgement I made became merely a reflection of myself rather than of an external objective reality. I had become master of my universe only to discover that the reality I created could not satisfy me. Furthermore, I became uncomfortably aware that I often employed rationalizations to excuse my behavior whenever I felt judged by someone else. My relativistic philosophy dictated that whenever there was conflict between two perspectives, both parties were “right” because the definition of “right” was relative to each individual. Yet I felt that in certain situations (particularly those that involved me directly) one person had to be “right” and the other person “wrong." Thus no matter how much I agreed with relativism in theory I found it utterly unsatisfactory in practice.

[Anonymous No.5066053]

>>5066047
I needed a new philosophy that defined reality in an external objective way. Another way
of putting this is that I desired to believe in a set of universal laws. I believed that for these laws to be truly objective they could not originate from humanity because otherwise they would be influenced by their author’s subjective experience. Initially, I looked to nature as a source for these objective laws. I had always been captivated by the animal kingdom and began investigating how to apply "natural law" to my life. I was inspired by the apparent simplicity of the natural world; every species instinctively knows how to behave and I wondered if humanity possessed a similar instinctual knowledge buried beneath the customs imposed on us by society. I began watching nature documentaries with the intention of finding parallels between the animal kingdom and our own. The first similarity I noticed was the necessity of specialization; every species fills a niche in the same way human society is compartmentalized. Every animal has a role to play that caters to their unique strengths and weaknesses. Some may find this observation obvious, but it was somewhat of a revelation to me because having been under Nietzsche's tutelage for so long, I felt a pressure to be good at everything and would feel ashamed when I was unable to meet the superhuman expectations I had set for myself. An elephant cannot outrun a gazelle and I was naive to believe that I could surpass all of my peers in everything simply by out willing them. I was learning to accept the limitations that God (although at that time I would have said "nature") had placed upon me. I was also learning to accept that the strengths I prided myself over were not so much earned as they were simply inherent to my personality. Even at this cursory stage of investigation I could tell the animal kingdom had much to teach me.

[Anonymous No.5066061]

>>5066053
The second similarity I noticed between the natural world and our own was the inevitability of hierarchy. I was struck by the fact that all social creatures subscribed to some kind of pecking order. Just like each species plays a role in the ecosystem, each individual within a species plays a role in their social group. I found primate interactions particularly fascinating for the obvious reason that they are our closest relatives in the natural world. The cynic in me was unsurprised to discover that egalitarianism isn't popular among primates. You don't have to be Jane Goodall to see that some chimps get the banana while others are left holding the peel. I was very interested in learning why some chimps dominated and how these alpha chimps kept the others from revolting. Like many things in the animal kingdom, the answer was relatively simple: the biggest, toughest males asserted themselves through violence and I'm ashamed to admit that I found the "law of the jungle" appealing on a visceral level. There is no need for diplomacy or to fret over reaching a consensus, all a chimp needs is muscle. Clearly I had not completely discarded my Nietzschean tendencies. However, there were several significant obstacles preventing me from completely embracing this brutish philosophy (thank God). The first being that I've never been physically imposing. I'd lifted weights since high school and although I'm in decent shape for my size, no amount of bicep curls could exchange my slender frame for the hulking mass that I imagined I needed if I wanted to become a true "alpha." The second obstacle I faced was that I am not a particularly aggressive person by nature. My lack of size and easy-going demeanor made it difficult for me to command respect in the same way my simian idols were able to. However, that didn't stop me from trying. I traded my philosophy books for protein shakes and succumbed to the exhausting macho-posturing that is more befitting a monkey than a man.

[Anonymous No.5066063]

>>5066061
However, that didn't stop me from trying. I traded my philosophy books for protein shakes and succumbed to the exhausting macho-posturing that is more befitting a monkey than a man. My efforts were "rewarded" by the fact I became better at pressuring girls to go out with me and could exchange surly glances with guys who were smaller than me. Unsurprisingly, I felt like a fraud and even though I possessed some of the trappings of worldly success (at least those that are attainable by a college freshmen) every "victory" required strenuous exertion on my part. Furthermore, I couldn't appreciate the fruits of my labor because I was constantly trying to climb the social ladder; I had to make sure I was hanging out with the "right" people and going to the "best" parties. I chose friends based on the social capital they offered me rather than off of personal affection. Needless to say, I was unhappy but I was also confused because I felt like I was following the "laws of nature" by essentially yielding to my appetites. My "will to power" created a sense of emptiness that soon manifested itself into a cynical attitude toward life. By God's grace, a girl I was trying to ask out invited me to her bible study. I agreed thinking that I could score points with her and perhaps convince some of these naive Christians the errors of their ways. However, I was surprised when my arguments against Christianity were met with valid counter-arguments and defenses. I realized that my prior ideas about what "Christianity" was were false and that I had to re-learn the faith if I wanted to have honest intellectual disagreement with it. So my initial serious investigation of Christianity was from the perspective of an outsider looking for defects. That is, I remained determined to oppose God even if it meant using His words against Him–– I can truly say I went kicking and screaming toward my ultimate conversion.

[Anonymous No.5066067]

>>5066063
I began studying the bible more seriously and gained a begrudging respect for scripture. My respect arose from witnessing the philosophical harmony between the various biblical books. I could see that the Abrahamic tradition was a self-sufficient mythos composed of multiple books which all presented a consistent spiritual attitude and tradition. That is, Christianity is internally consistent provided one takes the initial leap of faith that an omnipotent God exists. I was not yet ready to make such a leap but I felt obligated to concede some credit to the biblical authors who managed to keep the story straight over the course of millenia. However, my newfound appreciation for the Bible's spiritual consistency did not remove my skepticism towards its supernatural message. I could concede that the Bible contained sound moral teachings but I refused to believe that Peter walked on water or that Christ rose from the dead. Thankfully, the bible study leaders helped me rediscover an attitude of wonder toward existence. They explained to me that it is foolish to separate the Bible's moral messages from its supernatural claims because they reinforce each other; God's moral authority is confirmed through His mastery over the laws of His creation. Without miracles, it would be possible to dismiss the Biblical message as mere suggestion rather than eternal law. I struggled with the fact that I had never witnessed any supernatural phenomena but was consoled by Paul's reminder that "faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." (Heb 11:1). It was reassuring to see that the earliest Christians had wrestled with similar doubts.

[Anonymous No.5066069]

>>5066067
Ultimately, I arrived at a crossroads: did I believe in these teachings or not? My teachers had persuaded me that the supernatural events could not be separated from the moral philosophy. Therefore, I had to either accept all of the doctrine (even the parts I didn't understand or necessarily even believe in yet) or none of it; it would be dishonest to pick and choose which parts of the faith I wanted to believe in. Although part of me really wanted to believe in a benevolent omnipotent God (who wouldn't?), my inner skeptic recoiled at thought of consenting to something I didn't understand or contained elements I didn't believe in. In my confusion, I retreated to the familiar sanctuary of literature in search for guidance. Dostoevsky came to my aid and The Brothers Karamazov remains my favorite novel. Reading Dostoevsky helped reconcile my materialistic tendencies with my spiritual aspirations by showing me that sincerity can cover a multitude of doubts. I knew the novel had an important message for me when I noticed some unflattering comparisons between myself and the middle brother Ivan. Specifically, I noted how Ivan's icy rationalism lead him into philosophical isolation, a feeling I was familiar with and wanted desperately to avoid. I felt pity for the second brother, the brutish Dimitri, whose passions eclipsed his generous soul and brought ruin upon him. I identified with his weakness for sensuality and took his story as a warning for how an indulgent attitude can choke a noble spirit. Lastly, I found inspiration in the pious Alyosha whose peaceful demeanor I envied greatly. Alyosha's secret appeared to be an attitude of praise that arose from his faith in an expected end. Alyosha was unflappable because he believed God was protecting him and was the ultimate controller of human affairs.

[Anonymous No.5066074]

>>5066069
Meditating on the lives of the Brothers Karamazov helped me approach the mysteries of spiritual things with renewed confidence. I figured that if there is a just God (I'm not interested in worshipping an unjust deity), then He would understand if I didn't completely understand some of the elements required for faith. I wanted to transcend my inclination to require immediate verification for anything I believed in; I wanted to believe in "things not seen." However, I remained frustrated because even as I felt my desire for God grow, I couldn't separate my spiritual longing from fears of confirmation bias. I realized that the more I wanted to believe in God, the easier it became to believe in Him. I was acutely aware of the fact that my growing credulity also exposed me to being deceived. Left to my own devices, I would have abandoned my spiritual journey at this point out of fear that my sincere desire for answers was going to be taken advantage of. Luckily, the spiritual community I had encountered at the bible study helped me persevere. Their friendliness and patience towards me assuaged my fears that I would be exploited and helped me shed my universal dismissal of religion as a tool for oppression. The fact that they never asked me for money or forced me to agree with them but still allowed me to participate in their fun activities (BBQs, hikes etc. . .) gave me the confidence to trust the spiritual path they were leading me down. Although I remained unsure what to make of the supernatural elements of the Bible, I took the leap and decided I wanted God in my life with the hope that He would eventually help me understand my faith.I formally joined the Church during a ceremony and I felt an indescribable relief when a tangible feeling of peace rested upon me the first time I sincerely prayed. Setting aside my fear of confirmation bias, I embraced the love that that was somehow both external and yet within me; it was a powerful experience.

[Anonymous No.5066131]

>during my teenage years I was a self-proclaimed atheist. Like many adolescents, I discovered Nietzsche and decided that I didn't need God anymore.

Yes, yes, you were lost and now you found God and suddenly your life is perfect and you never struggle with anything.

My question to you is not whether you think I believe this. My question is whether you really believe this

[Anonymous No.5066143]

Nice blog post faggot

[Anonymous No.5066173]

This is James Franco-tier writing.

[Anonymous No.5066174]

>>5066045
Are you writing this, or are you just copying it from a source that is not your own?

[Anonymous No.5066227]

>>5066045
>I found that the Universe was complex, circumstantial morality was too heavy on my underdeveloped teen brain, and as I had no understanding of epistemology, I couldn't bring myself to stop asking stupid questions like 'what is the purpose of life?', nor was I able to completely fill that purposeless hole.
>This made me feel funny inside and I didn't like this.
>Things happened, then I threw God into the whole. He was big enough to fill it and now I don't need to worry about fitting other things in there.

Cool story bro. Whatever works, whatever works.

[Anonymous No.5066241]

>>5066131

I really believe it.

>>5066174

I wrote it.

[Anonymous No.5066269]

Well-written.

However, you still think, based on nothing but two-millennium-old eyewitness testimony, that a man died and came back to life after three days.

Needless to say, I'm tipping hard.

[Anonymous No.5066427]

>>5066269

11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

12 Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you.

13 And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.

- Jeremiah 29:11-13