/lit/ - Literature

[Anonymous No.4956769]

Supposedly, this is the greatest joke of all time. I think its fucking hilarious, but do you know better ones?

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

[« 零 » !Ry9.FWKNDY No.4956803]

TWO HUNTERS ARE HUNTING IN THE FOREST. ONE HUNTER DROPS DEAD.

"HELLO, NINE ONEONE?"

"HELLO."

"MY FRIEND IS DEAD; WHAT DO I DO?"

"REMAIN CALM; MAKE SURE THAT HE IS DEAD."

"OK."

THE HUNTER SHOOTS HIS FRIEND.

"NOW WHAT DO I DO?"

[Anonymous No.4956810]

>>4956803
Control your autism, rei.

[Anonymous No.4956830]

>>4956803
thos version is better.

[Anonymous No.4956845]

>>4956803

I lel'd

[Anonymous No.4956864]

This is funny for the first hundred times you hear it.

[Anonymous No.4956870]

>>4956803
dad humor/10

[Anonymous No.4956880]

>>4956870

dad humour is the new black... humour

[Anonymous No.4956909]

Jack had an instant of realization. He was either going to have to hit the
lever, or run over Nate. He glanced over at Sammy and saw that Sammy
realized the same thing.

Jack took a firmer grip on the steering wheel as the RV ran up on the stone.
Shouting to Sammy as he pulled the steering wheel, "BETTER NATE THAN LEVER," he ran over the snake.

[Anonymous No.4956918]

I didn't even smile when I first heard that joke
jesus christ OP

[Anonymous No.4956927]

>>4956803
r u a ghey?

[Anonymous No.4956928]

WANNA HEAR A JOKE?
feminism
LELELELELEL

[Anonymous No.4956935]

Here's a pretty funny story of mine.
>be me 13
>eat a cake
>vomit the cake
>crying to mommy
>wow

[Anonymous No.4956937]

>>4956927

Why would you ask that?

[Anonymous No.4956942]

>>4956918

Its because your imagination is shit, and your humor is dry

[Anonymous No.4956951]

>>4956935
OMFG LOL!

[Anonymous No.4956963]

Jessica is a senior in high school getting ready to go to her first prom ever. Everything is absolutely *perfect*; she looks incredible in her dress, the party's going to be killa and she has a suuper hot date, Chadley. She can't stop gabbing about it until out of the blue - her period starts.

It's a heavy one.

She quickly realizes she doesn't have any tampons. She panics. She's running up and down the stairs, opening and slamming shut kitchen cabinets, kicking the family dog. There's blood everywhere as she gallops wildly around her empty house.

Then she has an idea! She calmly picks up the phone and calls her Fairy God Mother, who pops up in a jiffy.

"What seems to be the pro- oh I see, sweety." She says with a smile, nodding. "Of course I can help you! Here's one magic tampon." She hands the tampon to Jessica, who promptly pops it in to stop the blood. "It'll take care of everything for you but - there's one catch. You have to be home by midnight tonight or that tampon will *turn into a pumpkin*! Got it?"

"oh my god THANK you FGM!" Cries jessica, and she's already out the door, all done-up, to take pictures at Brittany's house.

So FGM waits, happy she could help her human god-daughter out. She watches the clock. 9, 10, 11 o'clock roll by. "my, what fun she must be having!" Soon it's 11:30, 11:45...FGM starts to get nervous. She's tapping her foot, compulsively checking her phone... 11:55....

12 o'clock. No sign of Jessica.

FGM is outraged and tears up the fucking house. Jessica still isn't home. FGM falls asleep on the couch, mumbling fuck word after fuck word. Jessica's parents are going to kill her for the pumpkin thing.

Att 4:34 AM Jessica stumbles into the front door, drunk as all shit.

"Shit, Jessica! Where have you been! You were supposed to be home by 12!! Heavens, are you ok???"

"Oh...ohmy god FGM I had the BEEEST night!! I... *hic!*...I met this BOOOY" slurs Jessica, flopping onto the couch.

"A boy? Wat? What about your Chadley?? What was this boy's name???

"It was...what was...it was Peter, Peter....*something* eater..."

[Anonymous No.4956969]

>Supposedly, this is the greatest joke of all time.

Source definitely needed with this piece of shit joke that didn't even make me laugh.

[Anonymous No.4956972]

Best joke:

[Anonymous No.4956973]

So, as everyone knows, two different species (flavors) of cheerios cannot mate, right? That is, if one is honey-nut and another is blueberry, they cannot mate. Anyway, there is this one normal cheerio that is in love with a blueberry cheerio. Unfortunately, he cannot mate with her. He can't even communicate with her because they are of different species. So, he invents a machine that changes all of his CNA (Cheerio DNA) into whichever type of cheerio that he wants. However, this machine performs a process that is extraordinarily painful, because that sort of thing would hurt. Anyway. He does it, and the normal flavored cheerio becomes a blueberry cheerio. Unfortunately, this girl cheerio hates him so much that she invents an identical machine and does the process on herself in order to become a cinnamon-apple cheerio, just so she can avoid this creeper. So, she does it. The boy cheerio is starting to get upset at this because he really wants her. So he tells himself that he will go through the pain for her, and becomes a cinnamon-apple cheerio. She then changes to a honey-nut cheerio! He decides that this is the last time that he will change cheerio type. He does it, and she changes one more time, into a normal cheerio - the kind he originally was. So he says out loud, "Okay, this is really the last time. If she changes again, I will just stay back with my family." So he becomes a normal cheerio again, and she doesn't change fast enough for him to put his moves on her. So, they start dating, and he finally asks her to the Formal Bowl (ahaha, get it, bowl instead of ball). Anyway, they get there and dance intensely for a few hours. Finally, they get tired and she sends the boy cheerio to the milk bowl (you know, since it's a cereal dance, they have that and punch). He gets there and stands in line for ten minutes. Finally fed up at the really long line, he looks over at the bowl of punch and realizes there is no punch line.

[Anonymous No.4956978]

>>4956935
You motherfucker.

[Anonymous No.4956981]

>>4956972

[Anonymous No.4956990]

I don't know many good jokes, but greentext is clearly the next step in the evolution of funny texts.

[Anonymous No.4956996]

>>4956935
OH MY KEKS I AM LELING WITH TEARS OVER HERE

[Anonymous No.4957001]

Which opera is like a railroad?

The Rows of Cast-Steel!

[Anonymous No.4957003]

>>4956990

[Anonymous No.4957005]

>>4956935
Well done.

[Anonymous No.4957006]

>>4956990

I laughed at that, come to think of it i laugh at almost everything, despite being a depressed fuck experiencing an ever perpetuating existential crisis and boredom of my own brain

[Anonymous No.4957010]

>>4957003

tl;dr

[Anonymous No.4957011]

>>4956935
>>4956951
>>4956996
>>4957005
I don't get it.

[Anonymous No.4957012]

>>4957010
it's well worth the read, trust me

[Anonymous No.4957021]

>>4957011
You should read more pleb.

[Anonymous No.4957025]

>>4956935

[Anonymous No.4957026]

>>4957011
it's just some faggot samefagging

[Anonymous No.4957036]

>>4956990
I know that one ends in a bizarre manner, but no greentext makes me laugh quite like it. The image of the deep silence in the bathroom stall, then the hushed relief with the guy, then the sudden maniacal laughter and slapping on the door. Fucking kills my sides.

[Anonymous No.4957043]

>>4957026
>he doesn't get it

[Anonymous No.4957046]

>>4956935
>Only patrician kids will remember.

[Anonymous No.4957057]

>>4957046
>Only patrician kids will remember something that was posted less than a week ago
You were never patrician

[Anonymous No.4957059]

>>4957057
>a week ago
My sweet summer child.

[Anonymous No.4957068]

>>4956927
You tell me...

[Anonymous No.4957069]

Well, we went out on a double date
Me and Edith, you and Kate
Before we got past their front gate
There you were making eyes at Edith
While you were making time with Kate.

That day I learned the saying's true
You can't have your Kate and Edith too

[Anonymous No.4957076]

>>4957068
>NONCAUCASIANS ARE NOT ALLOWED TO BECOME CITIZENS
I love his dedications to semantics, the little shitskin mongrel pseud.

[Anonymous No.4957093]

>>4957069
noice

[Anonymous No.4957229]

>>4957068
oh god, I hadnt read his story about the Coco Chanel purse until now. its priceless...

has REI ever posted a photo?

[Anonymous No.4957426]

>>4956928
I don't understand
Why the fuck am I laughing so hard at this?
GodfuckingdammitIcantstop

[Anonymous No.4957443]

>>4957069

[Anonymous No.4957455]

A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says to it, "Why the long face?"
"My wife just died."

[Anonymous No.4957485]

>>4957069
>>4957093
>>4957443

I´m too new on this board to understand what´s going on

[Anonymous No.4957489]

>>4957455

Literally laughed out loud in a high pitched laughter that i would never reproduce in public affairs

[Anonymous No.4957490]

>>4957485
I gotta make peepee, m80

[Anonymous No.4957493]

>>4957485
you can't have your cake and eat it, too?

[Anonymous No.4957494]

Why do black man have such large penises?

Because you wouldn't touch a black man with a ten foot pole

[Anonymous No.4957500]

My grandpa at 94 told me this one


How do you know when you've satisfied a woman?

When she forgets she has to bear children

:/

[Anonymous No.4957501]

>>4957494
This joke is funny because it would make sense if we said "ten feet pole" but we for some reason say "ten foot pole".

[Anonymous No.4957502]

>>4957494

That makes no sense, that, or i´m too drunk or stupid

[Anonymous No.4957506]

>>4957502
i think its a combination of the three

[Anonymous No.4957535]

>tfw humor is so shit only baneposting and shit jokes for little kids make me laugh

life is suffering

[Anonymous No.4957538]

>>4957535

watch kenny vs spenny for the true meaning of humor

[Anonymous No.4958363]

A Russian peasant enters his kitchen holding a duck under his arm.

"This is the pig I'm fucking," he announces.

"That's not a pig, that's a duck," his wife replies.

"I wasn't talking to you."

[Anonymous No.4958366]

A Jew was sitting on a bench in a park in Saint Petersburg. The Jew read aloud from a book in Hebrew. A KGB agent came up to him and asked him why he was reading aloud in Hebrew? The Jew answered that Hebrew is spoken in Heaven so he has to learn it in order to communicate after death. The KGB agent asked him what he would do if he was sent to Hell instead of Heaven? The Jew replied that he already knew Russian.

[Anonymous No.4958370]

Soviet peasant filled with burning desire to read for glory of Soviet Russia. One day peasant go to Soviet bookstore, and sees book with skull on cover. He asks owner how much is book, and owner responds 80 rubles. However, owner tell peasant never read last page, or else doom shall fall upon him! Peasant reads all book in one night, is dark book of capitalism about by evil man, John Deere, talking of automated machinery and air conditioned tractors, many horrors in book indeed! Yet peasant does not read last page, for he has fear in his heart! One night it storms however, and the man is bored. He finally gathers up enough Soviet courage to read last page, dispelling superstition, for he has faith in the Party. As soon as he reads last page, man gasps! Book originally 20 rubles! The owner was Jew!

[Anonymous No.4958373]

A young university student was taking her daily walk.
She spots am incredibly wrinkled silver haired gentleman smoking on a bench.
She approaches him with a desire to know how once can live to such an advanced age.
'Excuse me, but how do you live day to day, what do you eat and drink'
'Oh, I smoke about 90 cigarettes a day, join my friends for a session of drinking every night and only have one meal a day which consists of fatty, salty and surgery food'
She is quite surprised by this and asks 'How old are you if you don't mind me asking?'
'27'

[Anonymous No.4958374]

Three party bosses arrive at the local kindergarden of future workers of the motherland to do some propaganda.
They enter and cry to the children assembled there:
"Children! Which country has best toys?"
The children reply: "Soviet Union!"
"Which country has best ice cream?"
"Soviet Union!"
"Which is the best place in the entire world for children to live in?!"
"Soviet Union!"
Suddenly, one of the party bosses notices a small girl to his right silently looking down and crying.
He approaches her.
"Why do you cry, little devotchka?"
"I wish I lived in Soviet Union..."

[Anonymous No.4958376]

One man went to Africa on vacation and found wounded elephant. He treated his wound and removed a spear from his leg. Many years later man visits Moscow circus to see the show. Suddenly one elephant stops obeying orders of animal trainer, walks up to the man, grabs him with trunk and smashes him into the ground to death. It wasn't the same elephant.

[Anonymous No.4958377]

A mediaeval Polish farmer finds a magic lamp while plowing and asks the genie to have the Mongols invade and sack Poland then go home three times. After granting the wishes, the genie asks why he wished such harm on his country. The Pole answered: "For them to devastate Poland thrice, they had to go through Russia six times".

[Anonymous No.4958382]

A Dutch and a Belgian are sitting in a bar, watching the evening news. They see a woman ready to jump from the 6th floor, shouting "I'm going to jump, I'm going to jump!" The Dutch says: "I bet she's gonna jump." The Belgian replies: "And I bet she won't." So they bet, and the woman jumps. Then the Dutch tells the Belgian: "I have to confess that I cheated, as I already saw it on the 1pm news." - "Me too", says the Belgian, "I saw it on the 1pm news already. But I did not think that she would be stupid enough to jump twice."

[ParanoidHyperMusicPolice !ynEUGf3h9I No.4958389]

>no Aristocats

what's the matter, /lit/, can't pull off the punchline?

well that's okay

no one can

[Anonymous No.4958390]

>>4958376
This one always tickles me.

[Anonymous No.4958398]

>>4957068
>WHEN ONE IS DEPRESSED, ONE STOP SHAVING ONE'S PUBIC HAIR.

Say what you will, but he's right.

[Anonymous No.4958402]

>>4956909
That slice when I read that whole joce

[Anonymous No.4958407]

>>4958374
Man in Soviet Union gets on line to buy bread.
Waits several hours, finally gets into the bakery.
No bread. All sold out.
Man says "Son of a whore! The bastards that run this country can't even give a working man a loaf of bread!"
Comrade standing next to him in line says "Careful - you know what they'll do to you."
Comrade pretends his hand is a gun, puts it next to his head, and pretends to fire.
Man goes home.
His wife says "what, no bread?"
Man says "worse. No bullets."

[Anonymous No.4958413]

>>4956963
LEL
E
L

[Anonymous No.4958422]

>>4956990
>this never happened
lmao

[Anonymous No.4958428]

A Pole, an American, and a Scotchman are stranded on an island, all by their lonesome. As each week passes, the men become more and more hopeless, and eventually they resign themselves to their grim fate.

One day, however, the Pole finds some thingumbob and brings it to the American and Scotchman. ''By God,'' the American says, ''that thing there is Genie's lamp!''

The three men rub the lamp and a Genie comes out. ''I will grant each of you a wish.'' The American says: ''Well, I've got a wife and kids at home and I cannot bear to be without them any longer. I wish to return home.'' The American vanishes. The Scotchman too has a wife and kids back home, so he wishes the same; the Scotchman vanishes.

The Pole ponders. He does not have anyone back home; in fact, he doesn't even have a home. ''I wish that you bring my two friends back here so that I wouldn't be so alone.''

[Anonymous No.4958430]

>>4956972
got me

[Anonymous No.4958435]

>>4958374
>Using devotchka instead of the proper devchonka.
Sure is pleb in here

[Anonymous No.4958443]

>>4958435
that would be creepy/aggressive.
stay classy, anon

[Anonymous No.4958464]

A horse walks into a Polish bar. The bartender asks: ''Why the long face?''

The horse goes: ''Cause I'm a horse. What are you, fucking retarded?''

The bartender goes: ''No, I'm Polish.''

[Anonymous No.4958469]

>>4956909
>tfw I read that whole thing
>tfw the joke is that I actually took the time to read that shit

[Anonymous No.4958470]

A muslim walks into a bar.

The bar blows up.

[Anonymous No.4958476]

A man walks into a bat (ouch!), he spots a depressed horse, a Muslim and a Jew. The Irish barmen says 'we don't serve time travelers here' to which he responds 'I'll have a Guinness please' he turns around and says quite annoyed 'Is this some kind of fucking joke!'

[Anonymous No.4958491]

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

The Holocaust.

[Anonymous No.4958494]

what did the leper say to the prostitute?

keep the tip

[Anonymous No.4958506]

>>4956963
Fuck off FastGamer

[Anonymous No.4958512]

>>4957068
>that post about the Hitler haircut

i fucking lost it

[Anonymous No.4958515]

>>4958512
I went through the same thing. I was very obese and had a ring of fat around my neck and it would've looked stupid, the second I dropped nearly 150 pounds everyone had the hairstyle. It didn't stop me from having a less extravagant one though.
>inb4 not your blog

[Anonymous No.4958524]

>>4958515
it was mainly the wording of the whole thing that made me laugh so much

'IT WAS CLEAN, MINIMAL, DYNAMIC'

the caps lock combined with the autism is truly side splitting

[Anonymous No.4958591]

>>4958524
Oh yes I agree. I love REI.

[Anonymous No.4958598]

>>4958524
>>4958591
Stop validating his autism.

[Anonymous No.4958605]

>>4958598
Make me.

[Anonymous No.4958614]

>>4958605
He's a shitposting dick munch. This board would be better off without him. That goes for all trips btw, but he's the worst of the bunch.

[twinshia No.4958666]

>>4958614
You are objectively wrong.

[Anonymous No.4958688]

>>4958666
You can't fool me Lucifer.

[Anonymous No.4958695]

>>4958363
Haven't heard this one in so long, such a good one

[Anonymous No.4959565]

>>4958491
A /pol/ joke:

What's worse than the holocaust?

Six million Jews

[Anonymous No.4959602]

Here's my favourite joke of all time, with three alternate punchlines.

Q: What's the difference between a duck?
A1: One leg is both the same
A2: It's head bangs together when it walks.
A3: About this colour [hold up hands as though to indicate a short distance]

[Anonymous No.4959643]

>>4956909
>tfw i wasted so much time reading the whole thing
>kill me

[Anonymous No.4959653]

>>4956973
holy fucking shit

[Anonymous No.4959691]

Russian kids talking to polish kids:
-We've got bread!
-We've got bread with butter
-We've got Stalin
-We can also have Stalin
-Then you won't have bread with butter

[Anonymous No.4959714]

>>4957069
COME ON!

[Anonymous No.4959719]

Two men are riding on horses across the countryside, trying to reach their destination before the sun sets and they fall prey to wild animals. One man is bringing his pet cat along with him.

They are forced to come to a stop when they come to a wild, deep river which their horses can't cross. Night is falling, so the men try to find a way to cross the river. While they're debating, the cat begins to explore the area, and climbs a tree whose branches extend over the river and begins to walk across. But before the cat makes it to the other side, it slips off the branch, falls into the water, and drowns.

At that moment, one of the two horses collapses from exhaustion. The man who was riding begins to panic, kicking the horse and shouting for it to get up. He turns to the other man. "The sun has almost set," he says fearfully. "What are we going to do?"

The second man pauses and thinks it over, until finally saying, "I'm going to go out on a limb. Curiosity killed the cat, but there's no use beating a dead horse."

[Anonymous No.4959726]

One day in Latvia, hear knock on door.
Man ask "Who is?"
"Is potato man, I come around to give free potato"
Man is very excite and opens door.
Is not potato man, is secret police.

[Anonymous No.4959729]

it's really hard for me to read jokes on the internet unless the punch line is spoilered, because my natural inclination is to skim the whole post at once and then gradually it comes into focus, and i'll often see the punchline before the setup unless i make a conscious effort

[Anonymous No.4959735]

>>4959726
:^)

[Anonymous No.4959745]

>>4956769
>man and woman on their 20th marriage anniversary.
>Woman, I have to confess something to you, I lied for 20 years. I never told you I am colourblind.
>Oh husband, I'm sorry I need to confess something as well, I'm not from brugge at all but from nigeria..

thank you, thank you.

[Anonymous No.4959761]

Two chemists walk into a bar.
The first says says to the barman "I'd like some H2O."
The second says "I'd like some H2O too."

"you faggots talking about water?" asks the barman

[Anonymous No.4959769]

How do you call a black man who plays the piano?

A pianist, you fucking racist

[Anonymous No.4961177]

>>4959726

[Anonymous No.4961197]

>>4959761

I actually laughed at how bad that was

[Anonymous No.4961216]

>>4956972
FUCK U