The first seven pages of my novel, up as a pdf, to read.

[Anonymous No.4936910]

https://docs.google.com/viewer?url=www.freepdfconvert.com/result/downloadfile/e2fc46d9-2df4-47dc-8c36-cc7ac44c14b1

[Anonymous No.4936928]

Why should I?

[Anonymous No.4936929]

You realize you've just made it unpublishable?

[Anonymous No.4936936]

>>4936929

It's a sample.

[Anonymous No.4936938]

>>4936936
It doesn't matter. If any of the material is published online, you will have a very difficult time having it published.

[Anonymous No.4936945]

>>4936938
It's just seven pages. I'm fine.

[Anonymous No.4936961]

>>4936929
lucky for op it's unpublishable anyway

[Anonymous No.4936971]

>>4936936

No, it's all you've written, and likely all you ever will write of your "novel"

You're not looking for real feedback, you're looking for validation

You don't want to put the time and effort in to actually finish a novel, you just want a quick release of serotonin and feel-good endorphins when people tell you you're doing a good job, so that you can "feel" like a novelist without any of the attendant hard work

[Anonymous No.4936975]

>>4936971
Haha. OK.

[Anonymous No.4936994]

>>4936971
You're not even good at basic armchair psychoanalysis.

[Anonymous No.4937001]

That pick is making me mouth water, m8.

[Anonymous No.4937052]

[Anonymous No.4937152]

[Anonymous No.4937154]

>>4937001
mmm, chemicals.

[Anonymous No.4937192]

>this dialog

I'm sorry OP, but this is a goddamn trainwreck. Is everyone in this book supposed to be autistic?

[Anonymous No.4937210]

>>4937192
I know people like to use autism as a buzzword but I honestly thought the narrator was supposed to be autistic at first, especially when he mentioned being a mathematics major.

[Anonymous No.4937217]

>>4937210
>to use autism as a buzzword but I honestly thought the narrator was supposed to be autistic

[Anonymous No.4937218]

This made me feel better about myself, thanks OP

[Anonymous No.4937235]

Pic sums it up pretty welllllllllll

[Anonymous No.4937243]

Good lord OP

[Anonymous No.4937256]

It's like Stephen King but crap.

[Anonymous No.4937306]

Fucking hell. Its like you're going back in time and stealing what I would write from the 4th grade.

[Anonymous No.4937392]

>“Have the flight-men announced in how long we will arrive?” I ask.

[Anonymous No.4937407]

>... Foliage is abundant. I will be graduating ...

Wouldn't this be better broken into a new paragraph at the full stop?

Hm, OK, I'll take this for a spin. Reading the rest now ...

[Anonymous No.4937413]

>>4937407
its not worth it. simple sentences and shitty formatting are the lest of his worries

[Anonymous No.4937422]

Hm. Maybe also dump:

>Foliage is abundant.

and change the previous sentence to:

>... standing trees, the abundant foliage, ...

Basically, I don't like this paragraph. Revisit it, you can do better.

[Anonymous No.4937444]

>“Hey Zip!” I call afar. He comes running to me.

I get the sense the dog wandered off, but I really dislike the way you tried to convey this.

“Hey Zip!” I call. He comes running back to me.

'Afar' just annoys, find a better adjective or illustration. Also, it might be better to break this off into it's own (short) paragraph from the rest.

[Anonymous No.4937447]

>>4936910
Stop breaking things into sentences for no reason.
The characters show emotion like old Japanese video game characters.
You didn't proofread enough, it really isn't that hard.

[Anonymous No.4937461]

>>4936971
>Projection: the post

[Anonymous No.4937473]

>Medium-small sized plate.

Weirdly out of place, first you microwave the food, then suddenly PLATE OUTTA NO WHERE, then there's this plate of food already in the microwave.

Move it forward, or just delete the whole sentence, or fold it into the next:

>... turning of the medium-small sized plate of food I put in the microwave.

if the size is of some importance.

OK, that's enough detailing - otherwise this just becomes snippet bombing of posts. Going to read the rest then one last short post of summation.

[Anonymous No.4937485]

>>4936910
when i compare this to the shit i just wrote tweaked as fuck, i simle

practice on coming up with interesting stories and you might land a job writing for seth mcfarlane one day

i dont see any potential in you

[Steki !!YZ75WBx2rxh No.4937497]

>>4936971
when you use 4+ syllable words like endorphins and serotonin i know you mean business

[Anonymous No.4937556]

>>4936910
>Driving home, I turn on the radio. Static. Noise. Shhqrrrr, crrrrshhhh, William. “Huh?”

[Anonymous No.4937569]

>>4937497
They're both four syllable words.

[Anonymous No.4937578]

Couldn't make it past the first page. If you're serious about writing you need to read more books. note how other people set things up, don't just plunge into a novel. Convey scenes, don't just itemize shit. we did this. then this. then this. that's boring, dude.

[Anonymous No.4937587]

>>4936910
are the excessively short sentences intentional? because they don't really seem to match up w ur smart guy narrator/protagonist

[Anonymous No.4937598]

Most of your sentences are five words or less. It reads like shit.

[Anonymous No.4937604]

>>4937587

He's going for that sparse Raymond Carver style that young writers are so fond of.

[Anonymous No.4937626]

>>4937569
endorphins is three syllables. put the bottle down

[Anonymous No.4937636]

>>4937604
Listen here. Not all young writers are like that. We're all different. We're not all the same. We don't write like him. You make me feel bad. Feel Sad. You know?
>>4937626
You're right, I made a dumb mistake. My point was that they're not 4+ syllable words.

[Anonymous No.4937641]

>>4936910
>quote at the beggining

[Anonymous No.4937710]

>>4936910
First paragraph was boring as fuck. If I start a new story, there has to be something captivating happening from the first fucking sentence, unless the writing itself is amazing enough to distract from the lack of action.

The second is boring too with information that seems too detailed (unless it was to show the character) and well, let's just say I managed it to the 4th and then skimmed through the rest, which was equally boring. There was no suspense, nothing that would make me want to know, what's going to happen next and it barely felt like anything was happening at all. Kinda like reading a protocol.

I have hard timing rating first person narrator, though he writing itself seems solid enough aka. you can put words and sentences together, even create pictures sometimes but you just fail to write anything worth my attention. Sentences length seems fine, though perhaps unfitting for the character. Spelling could use some work and format is fucked up, dialogue should stand out more.


5/10 for the effort.

[Anonymous No.4937736]

>I go to my desk and read Philip K. Dick novels for hours.

Speed reader? Which novel? Pick one ... and then later on you do ... grrr. Fix this sentence.

Also - derp a doo go I:
>>4937473
>Move it forward

Or, back, rather. Earlier in that paragraph I mean. Remember - to write is vile, to revise is angelic.

Now, ugg. I hate this paragraph, let's see how I would revamp this for better effect ...

>7 pm. Time to get ready to see my friend Michael. First though, I peel back the box top and check out my new book-case. Stuffed in its packaging, I plan to keep it like that until New York. To my trip to New York I will be taking all the standard mathematics reference textbooks.

>(Italics)When I was young, my mother told me to make my bed so I bought some wood and took out my father’s tools.(End italics)

I broke it into it's own paragraph for emphasis and that it seemed awkward to me where it stood. It's a good line and should be kept - though I might be failing here to capture the gist of what you are going for. Anyway, the original paragraph needs some revisionary love, revisit it.

I've noticed other comments regarding dialogue. I don't think it's horrid, rather it's not carrying the story. The idea here is that dialogue should multiple purposes, paint a picture of the character, convey some information, move the story forward, colour things in a little, as many things at once as can be done. I think what you're missing is this multiple loading. Pick up some writing guides that cover 'doing dialogue'.

Overall, what's needed here is experience and a teaching editor. Keep writing and make an effort to find someone in person who is willing to do this sort of critique, and highlight what you're missing. You get those kinks ironed out and you're well on the way to writerhood.

[Anonymous No.4937745]

>>4937736
And don't really like that bed line. It's an old Catskills joke, and seeing it for the first time, yeah, it's funny, but everyone and their Jewish Aunt has heard it.

[Anonymous No.4937747]

>>4937745
*I

[Anonymous No.4937752]

(Speaking of revision - deleted and resubmitted. Beg yer pardon.)

>I go to my desk and read Philip K. Dick novels for hours.

Speed reader? Which novel? Pick one ... and then later on you do ... grrr. Fix this sentence.

Also - derp a doo go I:
>>4937473
>Move it forward

Or, back, rather. Earlier in that paragraph I mean. Remember - to write is vile, to revise is angelic.

Now, ugg. I hate this paragraph, let's see how I would revamp this for better effect ...

>7 pm. Time to get ready to see my friend Michael. First though, I peel back the box top and check out my new book-case. Stuffed in its packaging, I plan to keep it like that until New York. To my trip to New York I will be taking all the standard mathematics reference textbooks.

>(Italics)When I was young, my mother told me to make my bed so I bought some wood and took out my father’s tools.(End italics)

I broke it into it's own paragraph for emphasis and that it seemed awkward to me where it stood. It's a good line and should be kept - though I might be failing here to capture the gist of what you are going for. Anyway, the original paragraph needs some revisionary love, revisit it.

I've noticed other comments regarding dialogue. I don't think it's horrid, rather it's not carrying the story. The idea here is that dialogue should serve multiple purposes, paint a picture of the character, convey some information, move the story forward, colour things in a little, as many things at once as can be done. I think what you're missing is this multiple loading. Pick up some writing guides that cover 'doing dialogue'.

Overall, what's needed here is more experience and a teaching editor. Keep writing and make an effort to find someone in person who is willing to do this sort of critique, and highlight what you're missing. You get those kinks ironed out and you're well on the way to writerhood.

[Anonymous No.4937757]

>tense changes in the first line

dropped

[Anonymous No.4937761]

>>4937745
Heh. Presumably that was meant for me. Sorry about that:
>>4937752

[Anonymous No.4937763]

>>4937761
Yeah, it was.

[Anonymous No.4937766]

>>4937485
>Not capitalizing on 4chan
>Not spelling well on 4chan
You make my eyes bleed.

[Anonymous No.4937777]

>>4937710
>5/10 for effort
This doesn't have effort, he is just a partially Schizo man writing about a Schizo.

[Anonymous No.4937789]

>>4937777
Quads confirm mental illness.

[Anonymous No.4937803]

>>4937777
It still takes some effort to write 7 pages, specially somehow coherent and it sounds better than "5/10 for making me feel a tiny bit better about my self."

Shit, I just went there.

[Anonymous No.4937930]

>>4937803
>It takes some effort to write 7 pages
Clearly you don't take writing seriously. And there's nothing wrong with that, but 7 pages is nothing.

[Anonymous No.4938036]

>>4937930
Anon, please. I have over 500 pages for my current project (that are at least revised once), not counting like 100 for background and characters, and just as many for notes or deleted stuff. Sure, it's not THAT many but still a decent number I'd say.

7 pages are hardly an impressive effort or anything and it can be done in 1 hour or 1 week, but it's an effort regardless.

[Anonymous No.4938041]

>>4938036
>Autism

I bet you world build.

[Anonymous No.4938046]

>>4938041
Fuck yeah. All the night-, day-, evening- and sunelves are sure a pain.

[Anonymous No.4938055]

>>4938036
What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in Creative Writing, and I’ve been involved in numerous Ghost Written HBO scripts, and I have over 500 pages for my current project (that are at least revised once), not counting like 100 for background and characters, and just as many for notes or deleted stuff. You are nothing to me but just another reader. I will wipe you the fuck out with prose stylings the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of Tao Lin across the USA and your oeuvre is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can outwrite you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my antique typewriter. Not only am I extensively trained in grammar, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the New Yorker and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit rhyming couplets all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.

[Anonymous No.4938061]

>>4938055

5/10

[Anonymous No.4938067]

>>4938055
>contacting my secret network of Tao Lin across the USA
Otherwise pretty decent.

[Anonymous No.4938068]

>>4938055
>entire arsenal of the New Yorker
kek

[Anonymous No.4938075]

>>4938067
Intentional cognitive dissonance.

[Anonymous No.4938109]

>>4938075
Most likely.

[Anonymous No.4938134]

>>4938067
um. that's the best part. imagine a group of autists pretending to be tao lin pretending that other believe they're pretending to be tao lin on a loose anonymous network.

[Anonymous No.4938160]

>>4938134
Sounds somehow familiar, but eh, just doesn't seem to go well with the copypasta.

Sorry!

[Anonymous No.4938181]

>>4936910
this is terrible. you have an awkward tense change between the first two sentences. it all just feels like cliché imagery mixed with heavy handed explanation... the way you go into the backstory is too hamfisted

[Anonymous No.4938262]

>>4938181
>mfw I wasn't interested in reading it until I saw that someone else called it shit

I'm a bad person.

[Anonymous No.4938265]

OP, i don't want to be a dick, but you need to at least read some fucking books before trying to write your own. this is painful to read, i couldn't get through more than a couple pages.

and use a word processor with a built-in spelling and grammar checker. import this into google drive and it will immediately underline some of the mistakes that pop out at me.