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/lit/ - Literature

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4900976 No.4900976 [Reply] [Original]

I took an English class for a semester of university and wrote a story to be read out to the class.

It was about a man driving down the California One from San Francisco to attend his father's funeral in Los Angeles. As he is driving, he notices that he is sharing the road with a woman in a red Hyundai. As he overtakes the car, he sees her and sees how beautiful she is. A little while longer, she overtakes him and they go on for miles and miles overtaking each other. The protagonist falls in love with her. He imagines their future; that they stop at Carmel and grab a motel room, fuck, get to know each other, arrange to meet again, get married, have children, grow old etc. An hour later, the woman in the red Hyundai pulls over to a coffee place and the protagonist follows. He encounters her in the cafe - she smiles but they don't say anything. They both get back onto the road. But after some time the indicator on the red Hyundai flashes as they come up on an exit. The protagonist goes into a panic attack. He could either follow her and miss his father's funeral or go on and do what he originally planned to do. Before he could make up his mind, he misses the exit and she disappears.
He pulls over and starts sobbing.

The end.

I've been thinking about this story for a while lately. What do you think?

>> No.4900991

I like it a lot personally.

>> No.4901001

It's fucking brilliant.

>> No.4901004

>>4900991
>>4901001

Thanks, anons.

>> No.4901012

I'm going to publish this story. Sorry anon.

>> No.4901024

>>4901012
Good luck.

>> No.4901030

>>4900976
Honestly, this is magnificent. I've been in a situation similar to the protagonist's: I was driving to go see my girlfriend -- different Universities -- and a Toyota something started driving behind me for a while. Eventually she got ahead of me, and she had a bumper sticker of an Oscar Wilde quote. She got off the exit, and all I kept thinking about is this fugitive woman whose true personality exists abstractly in my mind.

>> No.4901032

A lot of suspension but it is good

>> No.4901033

post the story

>> No.4901034

..Beautiful.

I doubt, however, that it could have enough content for a novel (probably barely a novella or novellette), although I have been surprised before. I would be quite interested in reading it.

>> No.4901035

>>4901030
The whole idea for the story was that you do have "companions" on the road who you won't ever meet in person but you enjoy their company.

>> No.4901036

yay OP-kun 8/8

>> No.4901037

>>4901033
It's been five years since and I don't have a copy anymore.

>> No.4901042

>>4901035
Definitely ascertained the meaning due to my immediate recollections of the many ephemeral situations in which this happened. Conversely, if you're a decent writer, you should turn this into a short story and send it to the Paris Review. Honestly, I'm subscribed to it, and they publish some mediocre stories. Yours should be published.

>> No.4901061

>>4901042
Your grasp of the English language is laughable. I know you think you're clever and articulate, but you sound foolish. I'm not trying to mock you, but you should know how stupid you sound. You sound very stupid. I can't stress that enough. Doubt yourself, because you are shit.

>> No.4901062

>>4900991
>>4901001
>>4901042
>>4901030
>>4901032
>>4901036

i agree with these anons; that short summary gave me them feels, anon. i need a copy of this short story. if not, I will reference this in my novel (ill have a character say it was a movie he once saw, directed by Sir Jimmy Rustles)

this is good and should live on

>> No.4901063

>>4901042
Okay thanks.

>> No.4901079

>>4901061
It's 4chan. It's in the morning. I haven't slept. Shut the fuck up, you pretentious faggot. Unless you're my professor, you needn't complain, nigger.

>> No.4901094

>>4901079
>pretentious faggot
Not that guy, but motherfucker, when you willingly type a sentence like:

>Definitely ascertained the meaning due to my immediate recollections of the many ephemeral situations in which this happened

I don't think anyone can help but think you're the pretentious one. You write like Lovecraft if he was trying to make fun of himself.

>> No.4901101

>>4901061
There was nothing "laughable" about that post. Unless you had difficulty with the diction, then anon did not really do anything to warrant such gratuitous, baseless criticism. It sounds like you are projecting, anon.

>> No.4901104

>>4900976
It really will come down to the prose, not to the plot.

>> No.4901107

>>4901094
Huh? Sure, in retrospect, it may come off as pretentious, but at the time of writing it, it seemed natural. Oh well. Time to move on.

>> No.4901120

>This story no longer exists
OP, you are the absolute worst. You fucking cock-tease, I hope you are never successful.

>>4901104
I'll just pretend OP made a shitty story out of a beautiful idea. Again, fuck you OP.

>> No.4901124

>>4901120
I can just write it again.

>> No.4901125

>>4901120
I'm going to pretend that OP wrote a brilliantly perfect shortstory.

>sometimes ignorance is bliss

>> No.4901126

>>4901037
*facepalm*

Write again -> publish

>>4901042
what the hell are you even talking about? lol such random trolling

>> No.4901133
File: 1.14 MB, 200x147, 1383893337452.gif [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
4901133

Congrats, OP. You just picked up a little bit of wisdom: never share original ideas until you've reaped their benefits.

Now somebody else is going to write your story.

We all had to learn it at some point.

>> No.4901135

>>4901126
>Ehhh? >.< Nani, Satan-kun? v.v Don't you like me~?
kill yourself.

>> No.4901141

>>4901135
now now, don't scare the vaginas away

>> No.4901143

>>4901124
When can I expect to read it?

>> No.4901144

>>4900976
I'd also add that the plot is first-year beginner. The seams show.

The clearest indicator that you are a beginning writer is that your drama is overwraught and not fully connected to the story.

A guy's father died, and he breaks down over a missed opportunity to peruse a stranger. How does that make any sense to the reader?

I know you have the unpublished plebes here eating out of your hand ("submit it to the Paris Review") but they don't know shit.

I've read dozens of stories like this from intro to creative writing classes. Rethink it.

>> No.4901148

>>4901133
That's just a short story.

I'm actually trying to write a futuristic science-fiction story atm, which caused me to reflect on past stories I've written, including this one.

Essentially, what inspired this short story was taking this absurd idea - falling in love on the highway or freeway with a complete stranger just because your mind is idle and you get used to your companions as denoted by the color and type of their cars. And while driving in this way, I've thought about it. And I thought, what if a guy fell in love this way?

>> No.4901150

>>4901144
You literally have no idea what you're talking about, you resentful idiot.

>> No.4901154

>>4901143
If I get around to writing it again (not in the exact same way, obviously), I'll post it.

>> No.4901155

>>4901144
what >>4901150 said.

i took it to be the average 4chan user. some random anon, socially inept, who probably loved his father but is going to the funeral more out of obligation.

>> No.4901156

>>4901154
I'm not here often, so when should I start lurking?

>> No.4901159

>>4901156
Two months?

>> No.4901165

>>4901159
was going to ask this >>4901156 myself.

thanks

>> No.4901169

>>4901155
>>4901155
But why would he be crying? You are leaving a lot to the reader to speculate.

Why is he pulling over and crying? Does he have a history of doing this?

There's no resonance.

Here, I'll help you. Go read "Victory Lap" by George Saunders. At the end, a character does something rather unusual and out of the ordinary, but we do know exactly why he's does it even though it manages to surprise us (it does so convincingly).

Your story doesn't do this, so it does not resonate.

I'll give you another example of a problem. You say that you're character 'probably' loved his father. You're the author, you created the character, but you don't know him well enough to state his feelings towards his father without a qualifier.

>> No.4901176

I second >>4901144
When I started reading your summary, I thought it was going to be some desire-obligation conflict - but no. As syn puts it, there is no connection between story and drama. It would be a good idea to establish exactly how important the funeral is for the driver, at the very least.

Plus, short plot comment: to me, the character you describe appears to be an idiot, crying over some image in his head which, realistically, is just an idyl. Then what was it all about? That people sometimes value their fantasies way too much? Well, duh. If you relly want to explore the whole 'temporary companions' idea, this is just weak. Luckily, as this whole thread indicates, a lot of idiots should be able to relate to this crap (not editors, mind you).

Journals receive a lot of stories on this (beginner) level. So, if something like this is to be submitted, the way you write gets the priority, not the plot.

>> No.4901191

>>4901169
are you assuming i am OP?

also, what do you mean "why is he pulling over and crying? that is obvious, he is deluded in his social naivety and believes if he were to have pursued her, they would have ended together. though, his passed exampple, at the diner, or whatever, proves he would not have done a ting. still, he must make the choice, follow her and possibly meet his futurewife, or not. he chose not to follow, probably because he knew he would either not have done anything or because ofthe possibility of rejection. you are just a jealous instigator

>>4901176
this was not his story but a short summary thereof. you and syn are just pretentious fucks, assuming you aren't samefagging

ps, OP i hope to read this eventually

pps, good night, /lit/ and fuck you syn

>> No.4901199

>>4901191
i second the fucking of syn

>> No.4901200

>>4901191

>>4901191
" that is obvious, he is deluded in his social naivety"

Then this must happen to him all the time.

Also, a father's funeral is not an insignificant event unless there's a serious problem in that relationship. Playing auto-footsies with another woman while he drives to his father's funeral breaks the story without making the character out to be a psychopath, and, like children, they don't make for great lead characters in stories, short or long.

Another sign of being a beginner, and another way I can help this author, is that he doesn't know what to cut. The story would be immeasurably better if he cut out the part about his father's funeral. That solves a lot of problems. Then the character is just dealing with his shyness.

I'd also assert another sign of beginnerness is that this isn't a story at all, but a character sketch, and that the author doesn't know the difference between the two.

What makes it a sketch? The main character in the story is flat. He's the same at the beginning as he is at the end. For it to be a story, he has to have some dynamic element.

>> No.4901242

>>4901143
>>4901156

lol these posts weren't mine, but good to know your story will be up soon OP

>> No.4901245

>>4901144
This is you talking out of your ass.

First of all, that's not your story your reading, only a synopsis and as far as premises for a story go, it's undeniably an idea with tons of potential. executed well, it would make a fantastic story.

Did he execute the story well? None of us know that, so there's no point in praising/dissing it since we haven't even seen it. And yet you're gonna sit here and cavil him over plot holes that aren't actually plot holes because it's just a synopsis?

My diagnosis is that you're jealous and butthurt.

>> No.4902611

>>4900976

It's great, I just woulnd't make so much Hyunday marketing for free.

>> No.4902615

>>4900976
>The protagonist falls in love with her.

I stopped reading there.

>> No.4902629

>>4900976
I live off 1 between San Francisco and Carmel. There are two ways the road can be: single-lane from SF to Santa Cruz, and clogged with traffic after that. Either way, the scenario you're envisaging is impossible.

>> No.4902689

>>4902629
>fiction must abide to reality
>2014

I bet you're that journalist who complained about DFW's incorrect definitions for drugs, chemicals, slang words, etc., in IJ?

>> No.4902957

>>4902689
Neither the person you're responding to or the journalist, but if you know about a certain drug, and an author gets a detail about it wrong, it takes you out of the story.

>BUT HE MEANT TO DO THAT!!!

*shrug*

>> No.4902971

>>4900976
Real good. 10/10 Publish it I'll buy

>> No.4904175
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4904175

>>4900976
Buen argumento, exijo que anon publique su historia o seguiré hablando en español.

>> No.4904207

>>4900976
I think it could work.

But don't make it detailed, keep it sparse, focus on the emotions. Don't go into details about locale, geography etc.

The closer you ground it in reality, the more the strings become obvious.

In all that time, he never noticed a goddamned license plate?

Oh and from this summary, it seems that the girl is more symbol than character. That probably works supremely to further the exploration of his character, but it might make the scene where they get to know each other a bit difficult. Is the whole thing going to be explored through his lens?

>> No.4904261

>>4901200
no one ever said his father's funeral to be an insignificant event, which is why he is going in the first place. what i said was he's attending the funeral out of obligation because, as i stated earlier, i took the character to be a socially inept autistic faggot (not unlike yourself, syn). he doesn't want to go but understands he must.
Also, this probably does happen all the time. Most likely with females from his fav. televised programs, films, books, or video games, or whatever.
Again, you are just a pretentious faggot
>>4901245
second
>>4904207
this

>> No.4904266

>>4904207
I took the journey itself to symbolize life, the funeral to be responsibilities, and the woman to be what could have been.

>> No.4904288

>>4901061
>Doubt yourself, because you are shit

I laughed pretty hard at that.

>> No.4904293

I'm honestly surprised so many people here like this so much. >>4901144 is right, this reeks of juvenilia.

It's a story about a guy who imagines loving a girl he doesn't know. It's not original or insightful in anyway. It's just your typical male fantasy, with a dead father tossed in just for feels... which explains why people here like it so much.

>> No.4904307

you should add an epik twist where the son was actually the father on his deathbed recollecting choices he regrets all along to make it super epik

>> No.4904342

English Class at Uni is a joke. I did my final on why piracy is good for the music industry. A+

>> No.4904394

>>4901042
>>4901101
>all this thesaurus.com and samefagging

>> No.4904434

The idea of hesitating and missing the exit is a slightly cliched metaphor, but overall I thought it was really good. Would share with others.

>> No.4904438

>>4904434
>slightly cliched metaphor
how?

>> No.4904443

>>4900976
It depends entirely on execution. If you're a good writer it could make a good story, if you aren't then this has the potential for "cliche-ridden melodrama" written all over it.

>> No.4904448

Reading this thread I honestly don't know if /lit/ is being really mean right now or not.

>> No.4904452

>>4904438
I've heard it in movies, most often romances, and have heard people use it as a saying for missed opportunities.