/lit/ - Literature

[Anonymous No.4848344]

>your aunt learns that you enjoy literature
>gets you a present for your birthday
>tells you it's the best book you'll ever read
>you open the package in front of her
>it's the hunger games

How do you react?

[Anonymous No.4848356]

*unzips dick*

[Anonymous No.4848376]

fondle her saggy breasts

[Anonymous No.4848379]

laugh along with my aunt because I am not autistic and can recognize a joke

[Anonymous No.4848392]

>uncle finds out i'm into literature as a teen
>sends me present out of the blue for no reason
>copy of war and peace and some tolstoy short stories
>love both of them
best uncle ever

[Anonymous No.4848393]

>>4848344
at least it wasn't the secret

[Anonymous No.4848396]

>>4848393
tell me about it... fuck

[Anonymous No.4848399]

>tfw family gets you sudoku for Christmas

[Anonymous No.4848401]

>Thanks, I'm definitely going to read it. *smiles* Thanks
This is how non-autists would do such a thing.

[Anonymous No.4848408]

>>4848401

Yes, of course, but I'm interested in /lit/'s take on it.

[Anonymous No.4848413]

>>4848408
Bend that bitch over and say 'You Hunger for my fucking game slut!'

[Anonymous No.4848439]

>>4848413
I would have gone for something more like, "thanks but how about we play the 'You Hunger for my Cock' game"

[Anonymous No.4848441]

>>4848439
>>4848413
"I've got a hunger game for you" *point to dilz*

[Anonymous No.4848449]

you stupid fucking cuhunt

[Anonymous No.4848453]

>>4848413
>>4848439
>>4848441
It isn't a game, I am hunger than your husband is.

[Anonymous No.4848464]

>>4848344
thank her for it

I've always wanted to hollow out a book for storing things

[Anonymous No.4848481]

be an autist and ask other autists how to react

[Anonymous No.4848482]

>be in uni library
>stay late
>everyone disappears except me, the chinks, and a qt girl
>notice her looking at me in the corner of my eye
>look up and see her look down
>keep doing this until we both end up smiling at each other
>I get up to leave and she does too
>go and take out my book at the electronic tagging machine
>"H-hey, sorry could you help me use the machine, I usually go to the front desk?"
>go back to help her
>Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep.jpg
>see her looking up at me in anticipation as I look at the book
>perform the most intense SHIGGY that my facial muscles will allow
>scan it and leave it on the machine
>walk off tutting
>look back and see her standing there putting the book in her bag with a sad look
>mutter "fucking plebs" and walk into the glass automatic doors
>nobody saw

[Anonymous No.4848494]

>>4848482
Doing Allah's work anon.

[Anonymous No.4848497]

>open book
>laugh at aunt's obvious misconstruation of what the academic terminology of 'literature' is
>the babbling from the depths of my esophagus rise in elevation as the sheer irony of the situation
>vision begins to fade, I cannot seem to breathe as the humoure has wraspt it's virile coils about my food-tube
>aunt begins to panic, dials 911 for an ambulance
>as I crawl towards her, I open one bloodshot eye and look at her through the teary fog of my last visions
>I grasp her dress and bring her face level with myself, and with the last remaining breath that shall ever grace the holy sanctum of my lungs I mutter
>"S-spooks.."

[Anonymous No.4848498]

>>4848482
fuck off we're talking about hunger games and milfy aunts right now

[Anonymous No.4848500]

>>4848497
Sorry, but that guy in your image is Schopenhauer.

[Anonymous No.4848515]

>>4848497
This should be example barrier to /lit/ posts

[Anonymous No.4848534]

My mom invited a few of her friends over today without telling me. I was waiting for the oven to preheat while I played with some cards on the desk.

When they walked in I dropped the cards, turned off the oven, then started walking toward the basement door. One friend said "Hi ANON" because she knew I was pissed off and she was trying to get under my skin. I responded by slamming the door.

Hours later my mom said "Anon, they're gone so you can make your food now." I walked upstairs and my mom's friend's son popped out from behind the table. They (my family + friend's son) laughed and my mom said "her son is spending the night."

At first I thought I could ignore them without letting it get to me. But I walked into the kitchen and one of them did a "ha ha ha" sort of laughed and I got pissed. I said "ha ha ha" as loud as I could to shut them the fuck up. Sometimes when I get really mad I start laughing/smiling to myself, so I had an angry smile type thing going on. I basically looked retarded.

My brother asked "What's wrong with you?" My sister responded "He's mad because [insert friends here] caught him off guard." Then I said "You better stop running your fucking mouth." Then went downstairs again. I started pacing back and forth for about 30-60 minutes fantasizing about killing my family before killing myself. I especially fantasized about slamming my sister to the ground and choking her.

It's moments like these that make me wonder about life. Why bother with it? I hate people. I hate working and I've never even worked, unless school is a rough equivalent to how it feels. I want to kill myself but like most people my natural biological urge is to be too scared of death.


Sorry, felt like getting this off my chest.

[Anonymous No.4848548]

>>4848534
Maximum kek.

[Anonymous No.4848567]

i'd be grateful that somebody thought to give me a gift

[Anonymous No.4848571]

>>4848534
lmao you little bitch

[Anonymous No.4848596]

>>4848344
I look up and realize the LSD is really start to kick in. Fast. The wrinkles on my aunts face flow like waves in perfect synchronization with the bulge of her eyes.
"I.. Uhh.. Uhh.. Uhh..", I say out loud. My speaking is too loud, like a tuning fork right in the ear; it's not a sound from nature. By now my aunt is looking at me confusedly. Have my hands been sweaty this whole time?

I realize I have not replied again and say "Thank you." It was very slow and deliberate, perhaps too deliberate: I was trying to make myself known. My aunt turns from me in confusion and starts talking. The book I'm holding is a mystery, it's written in Greek. Or hieroglyphs. They move strangely and it's frustrating that I can't make sense of them. As I survey the room I realize I am surrounded by many people. This many people makes me uncomfortable inside. I think it's a good time to leave but I can't move from the chair because everyone would look at me.

[Anonymous No.4848606]

>be 13
>dad sees me reading
>gets me some books
>Ham on Rye, Women, Less than Zero, Journey without Maps and Naked Lunch
I have such a based dad.

[Anonymous No.4848610]

>>4848534
What's wrong with you, you little bitch?

[Anonymous No.4848617]

>>4848567
If someone got an unwarranted gift, as in not for a holiday or birthday or whatever, I think I would cry my eyes out even if it was a pointless gift.

[Anonymous No.4848619]

Huh.
I've always thought it was "The Hungry Games".
Weird.

[Anonymous No.4848633]

>"Auntie, you're such a sweet heart, but I've studied at one of the finest institutions in the world for English literature, and this populist young adult fiction is trash to me. But dear auntie, I love you so much, that I'll read it for your sake, that's how much torture I'm willing to subject myself to, that's how much I love you.

My family has long stopped buying me clothes because I have a very acquired taste.

[Anonymous No.4848640]

>>4848633

smooth

[Anonymous No.4848646]

>>4848619
I always thought it was smut called "the hung ving rhames"

Weird

[Anonymous No.4848654]

>your aunt learns that you enjoy literature
>gets you a present for your birthday
>tells you it's the best book you'll ever read
>you open the package in front of her
>it's The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire
How do you react?

[Anonymous No.4848669]

My aunt is an asshole who used my sister's clothes to clean her piss when I was a child.
The closest thing I'v received to a good book in my life was when my father -also a dick- started buying me depresive books from Kafka.
I mean seriously who buys something so depressing for his son.
Long story short, I would be happy because someone actually cared to buy me a book that isn't a 2deep4u depresion carnival.

[Anonymous No.4848818]

>>4848633
Fedora intensifies

[Anonymous No.4848851]

>>4848646
>litizens attempt humor
>always yikes

[Anonymous No.4848853]

>>4848633
So you are an asshole.

[Anonymous No.4848860]

>>4848633
I would slap you if you were my nephew and said that shit to me.

[Anonymous No.4848897]

>>4848344

When it's her birthday I will give her a very stern letter about why The Hunger Games is an awful, awful piece of writing.

[Anonymous No.4848942]

>>4848534
You know what I would love it if someone were to write a book like that. Pretty much like Lolita but instead of a pedophile it'd follow this angsty autistic guy's life. Just imagine all that cringe worthy stuff going through that guy's head sitting alone in the cafeteria. Fuck I'd pay top dollar for a book like that.

[Anonymous No.4849032]

>>4848482
>calls somebody out because of a literary preference

hurr'n ur durr

[Anonymous No.4849043]

>>4849032
>Thinks that actually happened
>Can't into autistic jade pointer stories
>two very out of date memes
>Being "that guy" when someone is making a joke about plebs

Reddit, srsly, pls go.

[Anonymous No.4849486]

>>4848596
Pretty good description of what tripping is like around a lot of people

8/10

[Anonymous No.4849505]

>>4848897

Will you use the same adjective twice in rapid succession there too?

[Anonymous No.4849715]

>>4848344
more informaion required how old is aunt??

[Anonymous No.4849915]

Is talking to your family a normal thing that people do? I still live with my mom and I only talk to her when she asks me what I want for groceries. She doesn't even know that I'm fluent in Japanese. I'm not the most social guy though, I haven't left my house in almost a decade.

[Anonymous No.4849934]

I have it the other way around:

>niece wins a local lit/poetry competition
>live in literary retarded area
>get excited that a family member isn't an embarrassment to intellectualism
>set everything up, a selection of authors and poets that would give /lit/ an erection so diamond hard it would make Viagra self conscious.
>spend an hour with her exploring these patrician works
>mfw I'm glowing at the prospect of helping this young, school award winning, literary mind experience the greatest masters of the craft
>mfw she says "these guys are alright, but not as good as J.K. Rowling."
>mfw apparently Whitman and Longfellow are "ok I guess" but this guy is a really good poet:
http://youtu.be/eS_jo4s2s1A
>mfw I'm not sure what to do

Just kill her and piss on her corpse at the funeral? Or kill her and her parents and burn their house down, then piss on everyone's funerary corpses. I could really use some advice.

[BookKing !!30CJ6qIn/6Y No.4849951]

>>4849934
post about killing her and her family on 4chan literature board

[Anonymous No.4849965]

>>4848482

[Anonymous No.4850002]

>>4848654
Offer a sacrifice to the goddess that is your auntie and compliment her on her fine matron qualities.

[Anonymous No.4850014]

>>4850002
acolyte in the divine temple of Juno/10

[Anonymous No.4850603]

>>4848942
What is The Catcher in the Rye. Alex

[Anonymous No.4850618]

>How do you react?
Exactly the same as all of you. I smile and say thank you, politely, then shelve the book out of sight.

[Anonymous No.4850628]

>>4848860
And I would slap you if you were my aunt and got me such a shitty gift :)

[Anonymous No.4850851]

>>4848669
>kafka
>2deep4u

[Anonymous No.4850977]

>>4848396
no. it's a secret.

[Anonymous No.4853027]

>>4850851
He may not be really deep, but he sure is a depresion carnival.

[Anonymous No.4853100]

>>4848534
>Sorry, felt like getting this off my chest.
Get a professional to talk too. Wither that or tell your family how you feel. How you want to kill them and how you hate them all. If you really want to spite them and don't care about their feelings, that is.

[Anonymous No.4854221]

>>4848534
Wow, you're fucking autistic.
This has to be copy pasta

[Anonymous No.4854262]

>>4848606
>Ham on Rye
That's my least favorite Bukowski novel.

[Anonymous No.4854270]

>>4848633
Reminder that this is the sort of children a society that looks down on physically disciplining your children produces.

Beat your kids, folks.

[Anonymous No.4855775]

>>4848606
>Be me
>Get home from school, 3:45
>See dad in the kitchen
>This is strange, since he normally works late
>"So Anon, I noticed you've been reading a lot lately"
>"Yeah..."
>"Well you might as well start with the good stuff, eh?"
>"Yeah, I suppose so"
>He reaches into his bag
>Pulls out Naked Lunch
>Hands it to me
>"T-thanks, Dad!"
>"Here, one more"
>Hands me Ham on Rye
>Winks
>"C-c-cool, I'll read these"
>Before I can escape he pins me down, strips me naked, and starts shoving ham sandwiches down my throat
>"THIS'LL TEACH YA TO READ DEM NIG NOG BOOKS YA HEAR YOU LITTLE SHIT"
>Dry, stale bread gets caught in my throat as I manage to squeak out "You betcha!" With a bleary-eyed grin
>He kicks my naked body one last time before leaving me to cry on the kitchen floor
>covered in cold-cuts like a scene out of a deli bukkake flick
Th-thanks dad

[Anonymous No.4855786]

>>4849934

Longfellow was a hack. He was the JK Rowling of his day.

[Anonymous No.4855907]

>>4848534
know that feel. You're cheating yourself. I lived like that until I was twenty five. Ended up landing this entry level data entry job and couldn't be happier. Can even browse the chan on my downtime. Don't ever have to interact with family again and I get to come home to an empty house with nothing but my books for company.


All men's miseries derive from not being able to sit in a quiet room alone.
Blaise Pascal

[Anonymous No.4856330]

>>4848534
You are a little bitch.

[Anonymous No.4856336]

>>4848534
>Being this much of a faggot
Maybe you should kill your family anon , you'd save them from having to live with a disappointment like you .

[Anonymous No.4856663]

>>4848482
>not asking her if she likes Dick

[Anonymous No.4856696]

>>4848596
what a tryhard post

[Anonymous No.4857186]

>>4848942
A Confederacy of Dunces, anon.

[Anonymous No.4857224]

I say thanks auntie i'll be sure to add it to my to-read list. even if I won't end up reading it no need to be a dick since her intent was kindness.

[Anonymous No.4857244]

>make no facial expression
>unzip backpack
>withdraw fist-fulls of spaghetti
>lob them directly at her face, screaming, "I have predicted the coming of this day."
>pull out cock
>swing it around in circles
>"WHEN I WAS. A YOUNG MAN.
>MY FATHER. TOOK ME INTO THE CITY.
>TO JOIN THE BLACK PARADE."

[Anonymous No.4857250]

Well at least she tried. Do try to tell her that you appreciate the gesture but make her understand that you are into different sorts of books - give her a few pointers while you are at it. I would probably have been screwed as far as my interest in the arts goes if my family didn't actively encourage me to read and watch more difficult stuff at an early age.

[Anonymous No.4857349]

>>4850002
Gibbon a shit
A SHIT

[Anonymous No.4857362]

>>4857244
WHEN I WAS

[Anonymous No.4857378]

Say "Thanks," even though I've already read it. Then give it away or forget about it or something.

[Anonymous No.4857386]

>tell her you love it
>that you'd read it right now if you weren't having literary troubles
>tell her you can't think straight because you're filled with too much cum
>ask for her literary analysis of your shlonger
>give her the d(econstructionist interpretation of the hunger games)
>post-coital cigarette rolled from the page where Rue dies

[Anonymous No.4857412]

>see this book.
>Look at her.
>"Th-th-thanks... Aun-Aunty."
>Give Aunt an awkward hug. She feels my boner.
>She goes all quiet.
>Go back in my room, count the number of times the word "right" is used in the book.
>Cry cause no qt roman goddess gf.
>Pray to my Plato poster and then go to bed.
>Mutter in my sleep "pleb... pleb stop it, no stop it, no twilight in the literary section."

[Anonymous No.4857439]

>>4848344
My demented grandma got me Tales of the Otori for christmas many years ago. I read it and thought it was great, but by the time I was done she had forgotten what she had bought me.
I was really into manga at the time (I still have all 38 Ranma1/2 books) and liked everything about Japan. I have asked my parents several times and they say they did not help her pick it out, she did that on her own.

[Anonymous No.4857474]

>>4848534
Nice spoiled ravioli, faggot.

[Anonymous No.4857475]

>>4848534
> I hate working and I've never even worked, unless school is a rough equivalent to how it feels.

[Anonymous No.4857491]

>qt librarian always eyeing me up
>always tells me how I'm the only one checking out books
>says how great it is that somebody at the school reads
>one evening as I'm sitting around the library, waiting for one of my evening classes get talking about what we like
>she says she really likes All Quiet on the Western front
>look at her in shame
>never talk to her about literature again
>do my best to avoid her

She was 7/10 too

[Anonymous No.4857523]

>your uncle learns that you enjoy literature
>gets you a present for your birthday
>tells you it's the best book you'll ever read
>you open the package in front of him
>it's Mac And Me on DVD
>mfw we're in McDonalds
>mfw my uncle is the Hamburgler
>I grimace with pain
>"But can you grimace... with pleasure?"
>mfw he is sliding his hand up my thigh

[Anonymous No.4857561]

>>4857491

>hating on AQonWF

what the fuck is wrong with you?

[Anonymous No.4857573]

>>4857491
>a tale of the horror of war first hand
>by a man who lived it, and was wounded five times
>a bad thing
You wat m8

[Anonymous No.4857608]

>>4848534

>You better stop running your fucking mouth

[Anonymous No.4857616]

>>4857491
>being this much of a homo

Remarque is at worst above average.

[Anonymous No.4858055]

>>4857491
Of all the books I've heard people shit on around here, this is the first AQotWF slam I've seen.

Fuck you.

[Anonymous No.4858065]

>Parents still ask what I want for birthday/Christmas
>Just give em a list of whatever with instructions to get them from amazon
>Ask for Sense and Sensibilia by John L. Austin
>Get Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austin

I walked right into that one didn't I?

[Anonymous No.4858195]

>>4849934
Whitman AND Emmerson can go shove their self reliances or whatever the fuck up their asses.

[Anonymous No.4858206]

>>4848344
>realise I don't interact with my family
>turn 360 degrees and walk away

[Anonymous No.4858210]

I'm not a fedora so I would tell her that I'll be sure to read it ASAP and thank her for the kindness.

Average /lit/ user response:
>LMAO r u fuckig serious this book is for teenages and has SHITPLOT shit characters and the movies fuckINDG suck i fucking hate u btich get out of my house i only read mature books for mature people LEIK me now excuse me plebeian as I go rREad some nietzsche as i beleive myself to be the ubermeNESHC

[Anonymous No.4858212]

relevant

[Anonymous No.4858213]

>90 replies

Good to know /lit/ is full of My Little Contratians

[Anonymous No.4858228]

>>4848344
don't be an ungrateful little shit and read the god damned book. It'll take you a day.

[Anonymous No.4858260]

>>4858213
>Contratians
Sounds Yugoslavian.

[Anonymous No.4858264]

>>4855786
Tead "The Dong of Hiawatha." If you still think he's a hack you should leave /lit/ and reevaluate your life.

[Anonymous No.4858267]

>>4858264
>yfw you realise cranky kong is schopenhauer

[Anonymous No.4858269]

>>4857244
top kek

[Anonymous No.4858276]

>>4858267

[Anonymous No.4858280]

>>4857491
That was one of the very few good books they make you read in school, how can you hate it?

[Anonymous No.4858298]

>>4848534
Were you playing with Pokemon cards?

[Anonymous No.4858319]

I'd thank her of course, though my aunt usually reads in Spanish, she's always supported me in artistic pursuits and tried to get me reading when I was younger. She gave me a copy of Don Quixote and the Harry Potter series. Nice lady.

[Anonymous No.4858340]

Aunt Grace scoots her chair closer to where Paul is lying down and using his laptop. He checks his Facebook, then his email, and then his Facebook once again. He closes the lid of the laptop and places it on the floor next to him.

Aunt Grace places a giftwrap-covered package on Paul's chest and says, "This is a present that I bought for you."

Paul scrapes at the seams in the gift wrap with his fingernails and tears the paper in two. He sees the cover of a book called 'The Hunger Games.' Paul takes the book out of the "crinkly" wrapper. It's smooth and cold in his hand. Paul sits up on his yoga mat. He sets the book down on the floor and says, "Thank you."

Paul reaches to his left and picks up a plastic Whole Foods bag. He takes the container of organic kale and apple salad from inside the bag and places it on his bent knees. Paul takes a bite and contemplates the gift that his Aunt Grace had given him. He had heard of the book before and decided that he wasn't a fan.

[Anonymous No.4858419]

>>4848379
>nephew tells me he likes literature
>get him my favorite book for his birthday
>tell him truthfully that it's the best book he'll ever read
>he opens the package as I watch him eagerly
>he laughs
"Great joke, Aunt Anon!"
>try not to cry
>cry a lot

[Anonymous No.4858453]

>>4848534
>personalblog.txt

[Anonymous No.4858481]

>>4858340
>laptop
>not macbook

Ya blew it, Tao.

[Anonymous No.4858530]

>read it
>chat up the ladies now that i'm IN with pop culture

[Anonymous No.4858539]

>>4858340
A week later—while injecting corticosteroids into his cerebrum, putting a cease to his autistic tendencies—Paul put his copy of 'The Hunger Games' beside his macbook—open to his twitter page, which he had been trying to sell random shit to people on—and looked at the two 30mg Adderall which he had yet to take over the course of some 40 stupid fucking parties he had gone to like a million years ago which had all ended after he made everyone feel awkward towards his existence; he took the pill into his hand and tore a page from the Hunger Games novel that he had finished by glancing at and put them both onto his forehead.


Eight years later, after ingesting the semen from a customer, T̶a̶o̶ Paul clicked the send button on his macbook pro, which he thought he had sold for crack money six years before, and marveled at the ingenious string of incomprehensible text he had sent to the final publisher on his list.

“I’m sure they’ll accept this one,” Tao cried softly into the man he was fellating.

[Anonymous No.4858577]

I would thank her and then put it away somewhere I would never need to see it again.

[Anonymous No.4858641]

>>4849486
maybe if you do two tabs or shrooms or some shit, one tab really shouldn't be enough to render the latin alphabet unfamiliar

[Anonymous No.4858646]

>>4849934
she's fucking 12 or whatever
you definitely had terrible taste when you were young
jesus christ

[Anonymous No.4858693]

>>4858539
>>4858340
/lit/ should just write Tao's next book.

[Anonymous No.4859762]

>>4858693
>implying it doesn't already
>implying I am not the Tao Lin
>implying you are not the Tao Lin

[Anonymous No.4859782]

I don't get gifts from my aunts on my birthday.

[Anonymous No.4859795]

>>4859762
>le autistic urban azn face

[Anonymous No.4859857]

>>4848482
kek'd

[Anonymous No.4859860]

>>4858212

smh?

I realise how out of touch with the common lingo of the masses I am.

[Steki !!YZ75WBx2rxh No.4859918]

>>4853100
>If you really want to spite them and don't care about their feelings, that is

If he's contemplating/fantasizing about how he should murder them, I don't think hurting feelings is on his checklist.

You should go and get help Anon, really, see if your insurance covers it anyway, don't spend money on "help", since all the help you need is some friendly advice and someone to listen to you and comment on what you're going through.

Don't get scammed on top of everything.