Zombie Jesus

[Anonymous No.4792583]

"And the graves were opened; and many bodies which had died arose, and came out of the graves after his resurrection, and went into the city, and appeared unto many" - Matthew 27:52-53

So, how are you celebrating the Zombie apocalypse scene from your favorite work of pre-postmodern historical fiction?

[Anonymous No.4792632]

"And Lo, Yahweh was mighty pissed at his son for dying instead of using the force.

"Son," boomed Yahweh from his celestial cloud perch, "I am mighty pissed at you for not using the force."

"S-sorry Daddy."

"But, because you are my only son, I will give you one last chance. I will send you back to earth, but on one condition: Every time a child leaves a mince pie on the fireplace, you must dress in this novelty rabbit costume, climb down the chimney, and rectally lay a chocolate egg under their Easter tree."

- Matthew 48:16-22

[Anonymous No.4792710]

>>4792583
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JiW3qRlDhig

>>>/b/

[Anonymous No.4792715]

>>4792632
Shoot, the Bible reads like erotica.

[Anonymous No.4792771]

>>4792632
Dear Mr. Jesus rabbit, sir. I been really good boy this year. Please can you lay a chocolate egg under the plastic tree again. Thank you for dying for my sins. I know you can hear me telepothakly, but mom says I have to write this for the chimney.

Yours adoringly,

John le baptiste de le salle x

Amen.

[Anonymous No.4792928]

>>4792771
Dear Mr. Salle,

Yes, I can hear you telepathically, but thank you for writing. Unfortunately you are mistaken; I did not die for your sins, but of those past. You alone have the free will to make moral judgements, and will be held accountable by Peter if you deviate from the objective morals laid down by father. You, Mr. Salle, despite what you may think, are a sinner, so I advice you to seek the confession box at your nearest church immediately.

Please find enclosed one rectal egg.

Yours eternally,

Mr. J. H. Christ.

[Anonymous No.4793973]

>>4792928
didn't jesus die to open the gates of heaven to future souls too?

[Anonymous No.4793981]

Masterful thread OP

[Anonymous No.4794000]

>>4793981
The entire argument for the existence of a celeatial entity has now descended from the lofty heights of Aquinas all the way down to 'but you must wear a brimmed hat if youre not a theist'.

[Anonymous No.4794028]

>>4793973
I think he died to wipe the proverbial slate clean. To save the souls of those that had already died; especially those who hadn't heard the word of God and were punished unfairly.

[Anonymous No.4794036]

>>4794000

Does the OP warrant a more thoughtful response, in your opinion?

[Anonymous No.4794098]

>>4794036
Potentially. The passage he chose elucidates that a large number of people were resurrected in the wake of Christ's resurection, yet this miracle is virtually erased from the traditional easter tale. Sure, jesus gets center stage, but to ignore a mass resurrection of dead bodies who engulf the city? Yeah, that warrants discussion.

[Anonymous No.4795216]

>>4792710
>I can't handle criticism of the ideas I hold dear and think that name calling is a valid retort

[Anonymous No.4796047]

Happy Easter, OP.

Are you enjoying the secular chocolate eggs from Mother?

[Anonymous No.4796214]

>>4794098
Doesn't this only happen in Matthew, though?

Finding out that the Gospel of Mark is probably the earliest Gospel has rather changed my views of early Christianity. It also tends to diminish objections to Christianity as a whole, particularly the objections of those who say that Christ did not exist.

[Anonymous No.4796240]

>>4794098
The King James version has "and the graves were opened; and many bodies of the saints who had fallen asleep were raised."

This would indicate just that Christ's death allowed certain saints entry into heaven.

[Anonymous No.4796247]

>>4796240
>The King James version has "and the graves were opened; and many bodies of the saints who had fallen asleep were raised."
*ahem*
...and coming out of the graves after His resurrection, they went into the holy city and appeared to many.