Poetry Critique

[Anonymous No.4551418]

I checked the catalog and didn't see one. Show us your poems, /lit/!

[Anonymous No.4551429]

I finished this up last night, still needs some cleaning up:
Splinter the cedar and smoke it,
the bark is for chewing, it would excite
like fire if only fire never burned and only warmed
with its embers; smoke and see viceroys' wings, balmy
with autumn, to chase down
each unsobering swig of whiskey,
ginger and genuine—something to spice
with, to let soak in honey with amber and other
such sundrops, with apples and nutmeg.
Am I to go on?
Your touch tastes the color of marigolds.

[Anonymous No.4551459]

Stay frosty; I'm not salty
But get these thirsty bitches off me
I stay strong: you can't stop me
If you doubt me your logic's faulty
Four lines and 5 clichés
But still sincere when I turn a phrase
On that double proto-post-ironic brag rap
Meaning what you say? It's 2K: we can't have that
Dick bigger than the wealth gap; hit 'em with a price cap
Flow bulky like a bitmap; I'm post-post-Riff Raff
From DFW but my jest has a limit
Like a Faust record go too deep when I hit it

[Anonymous No.4551503]

>>4551429
I get your ideas and they aren't bad but your grasp of language isn't that great. For example, "like fire if only fire never burned and only warmed" sounds retarded. Why not just say "like a furnace" or "like an electric stove" or "like a seat warmer" or "like a television that's been on too long."

[Anonymous No.4551557]

>>4551459
In case it isn't clear, this is a rap verse. Try to judge it as such.

[Anonymous No.4551647]

This thread is dead.

[Anonymous No.4551660]

my dick
is hard
they call me
the bard

[Anonymous No.4551701]

Your mom's a hag
Lick peanutbutter
OP is a fag
You motherfucker

[Anonymous No.4551721]

>>4551660
A proper attempt I did not make:
Proper talent I cannot fake
Instead I wear irony's mask
For a true attempt would be but farce

[Anonymous No.4551745]

>>4551721
>implying poetry or art is about showing off talent
That's a very self-centered view, valuing dick-waving so much. You're like the kind of basketball fan who prefers Brandon Jennings to Kyle Lowry.

[Anonymous No.4551748]

>>4551721

can't even rime. what a fag. kek

[Anonymous No.4551754]

>>4551745
You misunderstood what I was getting at.

[Anonymous No.4551810]

>>4551754
u were getting at being gay

[Anonymous No.4551819]

When the dull shrine, casting its shadow
Over the landscape falls,
The world will form:
Only left to blossom
Beneath men playing Blood of the Cross possum.

Hands bound in freedom
Coffee, crabs, and to be laying and the like
We shall return to-

The cupboard bare as our maker,
But we shall return:
As the stone.

Like Gabriel & Gideon
We have hope.

And yet-
Here to lie
Here to die
From our own shackles.
Amen.

[Anonymous No.4551826]

The most recent poem-related thing I've written are lyrics to a song called 'Talking Conspiracy Theory Blues'. It's unfinished, but here's what I have so far; it's a parody of /pol/. It's 'talking blues', and has no strict syllable count. The brackets represent when the talking bits happen.

Well my world’s imploded, but I’m feeling alright
Ever since I clicked across an old conspiracy site.
I read the books and I checked the numbers
And it makes a person wonder why nobody wonders
What’s going on here.
Who’s running the show?
(We’ll, I know what’s up.)
They got the tricks and the movies and highly educated
And our thinking and our speaking become highly regulated
By the Jews and the Bankers and Salt and Pepper Shakers
And my friends say I’m a loony but I know the end is soon and we
Are going to hear
Who’s running the show.
(Just you wait. Any day now. If not this week than the next.)

[Anonymous No.4551833]

>>4551810
faggot

[Anonymous No.4551956]

>>4551503
Put simply: because none of those things are fire.

[Anonymous No.4554114]

I
am
the President of the internet.

Gents and ladies
ponybros and shut-ins
I have arrived.

I come without fanfare
always fashionably late
dressed, never, for the occasion

for

I
am
the President of the internet.

Oldfags and babies
4chan's underage sins
I have arrived.

I come without clothes
only naked do I ever prophesise
to you, I'd never lie, except sometimes

because

I
am
the President of the internet.

Hackers and script-kiddies
sudoing your usr/bins
I have arrived.

I come without memory
converging, eventually, on forgetting
that future will be here soon

when

I
am
the President of the internet.

Countries and rulers
99% election wins
I have arrived

I come without knowledge
but pass over a mountain of books
reading up as I walk down its side

until

I
am
the President of the Internet.

[Anonymous No.4554454]

Posted a previous iteration of this in another thread last night and got some advice on it, so I reworked it. I'm thinking of writing it to a girl I like for Valentine's Day (think she likes me back but not sure and hesitations and self-doubt and yadda-yadda-ya). Any input is appreciated.


In half there clove a road;
Two trails to take, one or the other.
I have wandered one,
Burst, eyes blazing, bounding down
Those sycamore-serried peaks,
Shadowed and vast and unrelenting,
Where a single step can hurl me headlong
Down, down some craggy way.
But beyond that, an ocean, they say –
Though no guarantee I’ll reach it –
And a soft, ruddy sun,
Red velvet melting on the darkling sky.
All so sweet, yet lost upon me.

The other I’ve traveled, too,
Often seen its soft, supple hills sprawled, an emerald sea,
But barren, and forsaken, and alone,
Yet safer still to tread than those wayward climes.

But back the one way I mark
You stand on those alien sands,
Eyes turned to the sea,
Obscured and unknown and unknowable,
Though your hair glimmers gold and beckons in the breeze.

In half there clove a road,
Two trails to take, one or the other.
I might wander one – to wonder, and ruin, and you –
Or turn the other path as I always do.

[Anonymous No.4555101]

>>4551459
Excellent last couplet

[Anonymous No.4555109]

These berries that I smashed between your breasts last fall—
they are only a color.
I am the only thing remaining here full of juice

(though more will grow in the summer I am always disappointed)

[Anonymous No.4555126]

>>4554454
This one is actually pretty good

[Anonymous No.4555211]

>>4555126

Thank you -- that's very kind of you to say. Any suggestions for improvement?

[Anonymous No.4555232]

I don't drive cars
There are things in the dashboard
That jumble your think-waves

I need to think, I think a lot
About faceless policemen
And the Pentagon

They have black uniforms with white ribbons
And a gun in their right hand
They never put it away

I don't travel by bus
Every third passenger is a spook
An eagle in human skin

They take your thoughts and wants and memories
And fly with them all the way to Washington
To drop on the other president's desk

There are papers on that desk
Letters written to no-one
And the papers are blank

I don't go outside at daytime
There are people waiting
On the doorstep

[Anonymous No.4555581]

Piece of my poetry

I need to break past, break fast.
I know these roads won’t last.
Stumbling too long,Heads in the pass
This pain it won’t leave, a stain, grass
Now I know all I am is breathing mass
But tomorrow will be better
“For I love”, Said her

[Anonymous No.4555595]

We drink and laugh
We tolerate each other
We act as if
This party went forever.

Hey girl, you are attractive!
Oh boy, you so fantastic!
Your cheeks aburst wirth fire,
It kindles sexual desire,
Oh my boy,
You are so right!
When you touch that spot,
That's right! Right there!
Yes, oh my, YES!

Next morning we wake up
With passion left behind
I tell you honestly my dear,
I want you to disappear.

[Anonymous No.4555597]

I don't
give a fuck
about the future
or the faith
of humanity.

[Anonymous No.4555599]

Sucka nigga
Dickass nigga
Brownie ass humpty
dumpty
smellin ass motherfuckin
bitchass dog dump
double dutchin ass
koko low
beetle bumpin
triflin' ass bungalow
as she go
tore up slut
ho ass
better go as the
green grass
smack dab
catcha cab
rock slangin
dick danglin
ASS
Nigga

[Amdrew No.4555621]

I'VE LEFT MEMORIES GATE
i've left memories gate so far behind
a sealed door now, no longer the paradigm
or paradise that i crafted for you and I,
Much bigger than this existence was the obsession I had for you, turned a cheek to your indirection, unfaithful and frightful fits of angst, I had my plate full. But now whit you gone, I'm more selfish than ever, the sex was to great, and the light is all i remember. To blinding at first, or so it seemed, and without you embrues, darkness encompasses me.