/lit/ - Literature

[The guy who wants to write moe(...) No.4512782]

since /a/ didn't tell me anything important, I hope you guys tell me something.
I was planning to do a graphic novel in the japanese style.
Pic related, is the plot.
Down are the MC.

Left is a sissy feminine girl, she's extrovert but sumissive to her sister, she's religious and likes stuff like tarot and reading the tea, also, she enjoy the arts.
Right is a more tomboy girl, she's more shy but dominant to her sister, she's agnostic at best and atheist at worse, she's more logical and like reading and math.

>inb4 trite

[The guy who wants to write moe(...) No.4512862]

>>4512782
bump

[Anonymous No.4512887]

[Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ No.4512892]

>>4512782
You just write it.
Same way you drew that. Look and emulate.

[Anonymous No.4514051]

>>4512782
Is that you, Urobutcher?

[OP No.4514054]

>>4514051
>urobutcher?
who?

[Anonymous No.4514060]

This should have stayed on /a/

If they didn't tell you anything important, it's probably because it sucks (pro tip: it do)

[Anonymous No.4514061]

not moe enough. come back when your cute.

[OP No.4514064]

>>4514060
>it just sucks, brah
fuck you.
at least tell a reason.

[Anonymous No.4514072]

Great. I like it. Keep up the good work.

[Anonymous No.4514074]

>>4514054
>Remember - no happy ending!

[Anonymous No.4514078]

>>4514074
I was thinking an end like madoka.
something bittersweet.
:3

[Anonymous No.4514076]

>>4514072
You forgot to add something
>nice

[kitty !kitty/EnNg No.4514083]

>moe stories ;_;

why "moe stories ;_;"? why not "moe stories :3", or even "moe stories ><", or at least "moe stories -_-"

don't write sad stories ;_;

[Anonymous No.4514088]

>>4514078
That's good but try not to deconstruct the otaku pandering genre.

[Anonymous No.4514091]

>>4514076
>nice
Whoa now, let's not go that far.

[Anonymous No.4514099]

Draw it out. As far as comic/manga/graphic novels, half what makes it good is the art and the presentation of the visual images, not as much the dialogue and plot.

Remember, show don't tell. And gives a sight on a page and the interaction between these two sisters.

Also, you have yet to explain why, or how they destroy the world, and even how they feel about being a situation like that. I would rather see a existential crisis of saving yourself versus saving the world over them fighting a pointless unforshadowed sea monster. But that's just my two cents.

[Anonymous No.4514102]

>>4514091
Oh sorry. Guess I'm just getting
>nocturnal

[Anonymous No.4514116]

>>4514064
>living peacefully, get attacked
edge
>they discover their curse -- destroy the world
so much edge
>must fight to see mayor
edge2.0
>start working for money... doing laundry
suddenly fluffy, no edge in sight
>kidnapped, *very emotional*
cut my wrists and black my eyes plz
>they travel to... THE FINAL ISLAND
oh gosh :3
>seamonster in the way
bleeding edge
>NONE EVER RETURN FROM THE "CH"AMAN
cut myself, need bandairds plz, too sharp
>"THEY WILL BE CURE" if "DESTROY WORLD"
Schick Quattro Titanium for Men with Sensitive Skin™

I can't tell you a specific reason because it is intrinsically bad. This shit might fly on /a/ where you can do things like KLK without anyone wondering how it works, but this will not work for /lit/
Hence
>should have stayed on /a/

Pic related

[Anonymous No.4514146]

>>4514116
yes, I'm aware such type of story, which in literature is called an adventure story, may riddle your jimmies.
yes, I'm aware such type of story are regarded as low form of literature.
But, but.
That doesn't imply is automatically bad.
I'm aware it doesn't show more important stuff such as character development or inner problems.
And I promise I will work them.
I'm aware Drama is the basis of every great story.

You need to be aware manga generally are adventure type of stories with their own tropes and expectations.

I just can't start making a manga about inner problems full of dialogue without being jarring for the medium.
I need to play along with the strenghts and weaknesses of manga.

I will put character development and conflicts and I won't relly on special effects like Hollywood.

Even if the plot sounds trite, It has an inner structure and generally I consider it better constructed than lots of mangas.

BTW if you call the hero's journey edgy, I don't know what to say.

[kitty !kitty/EnNg No.4514147]

>>4514099
>fighting a pointless unforshadowed sea monster

i like the conception of fighting to see a mayor more.
imagine how you enter your local townhall reception room and a secretary (dressed as a vampire or a butler in black and white) ups from the table and corrects his glasses: 'you want to see the mayor? not before you win me!'. huge claws of blue fire grows from his fingers, music begins to play and he jumps at visitors

>>4514116
yeah the whole plot is crap

[OP No.4514152]

>>4514147
yeah, those fights are expectations that manga readers have.

BTW I don't know if I need an explanation for why they destroy the world.
some books I admire like 100 years of solitude and The Trial, things just are, they don't have an explanation.

[Anonymous No.4514158]

Don't VNs usually have an element of choice?

[OP No.4514165]

>>4514147
>pointless unforshadowed
well, I follow these steps:
1. I did the introduction, first climax, crisis, climax, conclusion.
2. I tried to put a plot twist each 4 chapters, therefore something big that change the story happens.
3. I tried to fill the gaps.

Maybe It doesn't look like I foreshadowed the plots.
:/

[Anonymous No.4514171]

What the fuck is up with that plot.

[OP No.4514201]

>>4514171
>anime plot

[Anonymous No.4514217]

>>4514201
I watch anime. It's usually a lot better than this, at least.

[kitty !kitty/EnNg No.4514225]

>>4514171
that plot is a funny look at the destiny and self-fulfilling prophecies. imagine the legend of oedipus written that way, oedipus is told that he will kill his father and sleep with his mother, he is going to visit the chaman(tm), i mean delphian oracle, to ask for advice how to get rid of the curse, he reaches him after some fighting and the oracle tells him that the curse will be lifted if he fulfills the destiny. so oedipus returns home, kills father, marries mother and lives long and happy without any curse burdening his heart anymore. happy end

[Anonymous No.4514230]

>>4514225
sodeep

[Anonymous No.4514257]

>>4514146
Compare Berserk to, say, Eragon or Naruto. Berserk is a masterpiece, Eragon is not, even though they're both "adventure stories". Why? Because Berserk understands the heroes journey and has a strong plot with intelligently written characters to back it up. Eragon, and your story, does not. You can't put shit frosting on a cake and say it's just as good as one with chocolate frosting even though they're both cakes.

[Anonymous No.4514280]

>The twins are living in their house, peacefully
Why are they living together? And why are they peaceful? Wouldn't it be more interesting and realistic if there was some tension there; Some conflict planted that might be resolved later on? Is the rent high? Do they both work jobs, or do they live with their parents, etc.

>Curse: Destroy the world
What is the nature of this curse? Why do they have it? Why was it cast upon them in the first place? What did the caster hope to accomplish with it?

>They fulfill their destiny, destroy the world
Why? Are they this selfish? Why would they choose their own existence over everything else, if it would mean that everything they ever knew would be erased from existence? Do you think they could bear the weight of having caused the genocide of an entire reality for some unknown continuation of being they have no guarantee of being able to sustain them?

[Anonymous No.4514308]

>>4514257
>comparing finished stories with an sketch.
I'll start working at the plot when I finish the 3D characters I'll be using as reference to draw.
I'll try to do my best, following the dramatic rules, no need to hate.
Pic related.
>inb4 windows xp.

>>4514280
>why is peacefull.
The hero generally live a peacefull life before the call of the adventure.

>What's the nature of the curse.
Is just a plot point to serve a catalist to give the story a direction.
>why?
There's no real reason and there's no need for one.
The story isn't about their curse, but rather their journey.
The curse is just the reason why they start moving, not the reason of the plot.

>Are they selfish?
Ok, maybe I didn't write everything.
Some simple explanation:
In the end of the journey, the hero try to return to their world and generally overcomes the desire to be for ever in the Gods Land.
So, if you want an explanation, is easy:
They can see their world is just an ilussion, and that they're the only real characters in that world.

[Anonymous No.4514317]

>>4514146
Look, pleb (lel), I watch anime. I like some anime. Your story isn't bad because of the *type of story* it is, it is bad because *it is bad*

Maybe, through extrapolation, you could do some mental gymnastics and accidentally weael your way to a good plot, but that is not what it is now. Don't say "fuck you", ask for reasons, and then dismiss my reasons because you assume that I don't know what you're going for. I do, and it sounds bad; I would neither read nor watch your anime/manga.

I like Trigun, Bebop, Outlaw Star, Evangelion, Hellsing, and Gundam Wing. It's not really relevant, but it's "credentials" to prove I'm not just a "patrician who believes all things which do not carry literary merit to be bad". Your story is bad.

Stop asking for opinions and then getting defensive; that will get you nowhere in life

[OP No.4514322]

>>4514308
So, following the logic, their journey is rather a mental one.
So, It can means a thing: that their reality is not real, maybe they're sleeping.

One thing I didn't explain in the image:
They're not real sisters, but rather two separate entities of the same person, like personalities.
Like if a bipolar person is divided into two persons that have to be near always.

[Anonymous No.4514327]

>>4514257
Naruto, the manga, isn't that bad

[OP No.4514331]

>>4514317
well, you haven't give a real reason, only you suck, kill yourself.
I'm not defensive, I would love some hatefull critique if only there was a real reason I could use outside of personal taste.

[Anonymous No.4514345]

>>4514327
Naruto turned to shit during the Chuunin exam
Zabuza Arc a best

[Anonymous No.4514358]

>>4514331
Never said kill yourself, or that you suck. I said your story sucks.

>a real reason I could use outside of personal taste.
Ok, how about that it sounds like you outlined key events without worrying about how they would arrive at each key event and instead you've almost teleported them there

How about that I can't think of anyone whom this would appeal to except moe loving otaku lords who've already got tons of other moe shit (also, you forgot to include the scene where the sisters have ecchi sex)


How about that you've *come to /lit/ instead of /a/* asking for advise on what seems to be a *rough first draft* of the concept of a *manga* rather than polishing the idea yourself

[Anonymous No.4514362]

>>4514308
>The hero generally live a peacefull life before the call of the adventure.

Right, but they are still victims to the mundanities of their everyday lives. Luke longed to leave his homestead and become a fighter pilot, Neo sleepwalked trough his everyday boring office life while desperately searching for a way out online. Stuff like that. Since it's about adolescent twins, an easy way to bring that home would begin the story by them being dissatisfied with having to live with one another. Makes sense, siblings fight all the time, the plot will then demand they work together and learn to appreciate each other again, even more than they used to do.

>Is just a plot point to serve a catalist to give the story a direction.
Right, but you have to sell it either way. Otherwise it's just a Deus Ex Machina.
>There's no real reason and there's no need for one.
Wrong, see above. Have a reason ready, even if you veil it from the reader in some way.
>The story isn't about their curse, but rather their journey.
Right, but without purpose the journey serves no purpose.
>The curse is just the reason why they start moving, not the reason of the plot.
Then either justify it or throw it away in lieu of a better reason. Otherwise it will just feel forced.

>They can see their world is just an ilussion, and that they're the only real characters in that world.
Be very, very careful there; This is close to "it was only a dream lol" ending, so either make this a "nightmare end", making it a horrific revelation, or a "sugar sweet end", with them remaking the world and having a fun time with it. Leave the reader hanging, and he will hate you.

[Anonymous No.4514372]

OP, your story sounds like you already had the plot points written out before you even started developing the characters. Never write the plot before you make your characters, instead let your characters define the plot.

And why do you try to excuse yourself from poor story-telling just because that's how other mangas are written? The world doesn't need more of the same. The world needs new, fresh ideas that shake up the status quo.

[OP No.4514376]

>>4514358
>it sounds like you did.
Well, to be honest.
see
>>4514165
So, I apologize if I came with only the first draft, but I prefer to rustle some jimmies and get destroyed rather than spending more energy on something that will fail.
So, sorry about bothering you.

>>4514362
you're correct.
I was planing on making the first few chapter spending on tell how they live their lives pre-jouney.

>you have to sell it.
Ok, I think you have a point.
>wrong.
I was thinking rather into stories like The Trial where they never explain the why.
>without purpose
how bout character and personal growth?
>then either throw it away.
Ok, I will think about it.

>Be carefull.
I was never going to explain that inside the story and I would prefer to be somehow "implied" and left to critique.


>>4514372
I want to have a plan, and that the story have a measure lenght.
That plot is really basic, it can be developed in several ways and the characters can fill it without being forced.
I was trying to make a story following the same steps animators use to make animations.

[kitty !kitty/EnNg No.4514387]

btw i don't see how this story is related to 'moe'

[OP No.4514395]

>>4514387
Is a stupid joke.

[OP No.4514400]

Ok, guys.
So, you win.
I'll ditch this story.
What else can I do?

I was thinking now into making a story where I develop the sisters personalities.

How bout something mundane, like they have a shop and try to live their daily lifes selling items and stuff?

[Anonymous No.4514412]

>>4514400
Two Japanese sisters move to Colorado to open up a recreational marijuana shop. Each chapter focuses on a day in the life of operating said shop and the different people and problems they encounter.

[OP weaboo No.4514419]

>>4514412
I was thinking something like Recettear to be honest.

[OP weaboo No.4514421]

>>4514412
It remind me of some TV shows I have where is just short stories about real life problems.

[Anonymous No.4514423]

>>4514412
I'd read it.

[Anonymous No.4514428]

>>4514412
>Just like Bartender but with marijuana
>Bong of God

[Anonymous No.4514437]

>>4514412

Plot twist: neither of them like smoking and they don't think much of their customers

[OP No.4514455]

ok, the story is now about the sisters who have a shop, but I would love to make it in 18 century south america.

[Anonymous No.4514457]

>>4514437
Maybe one of them. That would create some nice conflict I think.

[OP No.4514706]

well, I guess is time for reading again this book.
Many thanks for the critiques.