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/lit/ - Literature

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4394139 No.4394139[DELETED]  [Reply] [Original]

Sup /lit/.
I want to be a writer, don't laugh.
I wrote a short horror story, but I do not find it scary enough, would you kind gentlemen and gentlewomen read it through and tell me where and how I failed to build up a scary atmosphere?
Also, if you find any grammar mistakes, feel free to hit me with a hammer.
Oh and the ending is pretty half assed, any suggestions to make it better?
Thanks in advance.

>> No.4394143

>>4394139
Shit forgot to post it, here it is http://maskedwannabee.deviantart.com/art/Tales-of-Horror-Bodah-s-Passage-421465486?ga_submit_new=10%253A1387742884
>Inb4 deviantart sucks
I mainly use to to "stash" my writings online, so none of them get deleted if something happens to my hard drive

>> No.4394181

>>4394143
>implying anyone wants to log into a website to do you a favor.

>> No.4394187

>>4394181
Oh fuck me, I forgot
I'll try to copy it here.

>> No.4394190

>>4394181
I've just set the "mature" filter off, so you should be able to read it, if not, please tell me so.

>> No.4394215

I found the story pretty enjoyable my only problem was that you didn't really describe the passage all the much.i might just be nit picking but i feel that if more detail or even a tad more back story was put into place it would set the atmosphere all the more. all in all it was a decent short story I'd like to see it extended if you ever feel like doing so i would definitely give it a read.

>> No.4394237

Just use pastebin

>> No.4394255

>>4394215
>y only problem was that you didn't really describe the passage all the much.i might just be nit picking but i feel that if more detail or even a tad more back story was put into place it would set the atmosphere all the more. all in all it was a decent short story I'd like to see it extended if you ever feel like doing so i would

I used to get much sharper criticism here, maybe I got better? Or maybe horror is just my thing.
Thank you anon, but I do not thing I'll extend this story, it is supposed to be a short story in a series of short stories which will eventually start explaining the stories that came before them or are about to come, if that makes any sense.

>> No.4394264

wow, I was just about to make a similar thread op, a couple of days ago I wrote a story on /x/ and the guys over there found it quite interesting, but the thing is, I'm a retard when It comes to writing, and I couldn't make it pass your typical green text story, so short story long story, how can I improve that? Is too boring If I spend like a couple of pages writting about the past of the characters, the relationship between them, and stuff like that before entering the real "adventure"? I don't know if it really sums up to the story.

>> No.4394278

>>4394264
Download or buy the game Alan Wake, it sure helped me.

>> No.4394288

>>4394278
I have it, but never picked it up, I was expecting a recomendation on some book not a game lol

>> No.4394296

>>4394288
Well the protag is a horror writer and you can collect pages of his manuscript. You should give it a go. I never played the American Nightmare one though I do have it

>> No.4394295

>>4394288
I'm OP, the Wannabe writer/poet
And my attention spawn is too short to fucking read books, yeah I know, you can't be a writer unless you read shittons, but I just can't bring myself to do it, I'm lazy as fuck.
So playing that game helped quite a bit, also, watching movies in general helps.

>> No.4394298

>>4394296
I finished American Nightmare today, it's surprisingly good for being half assed.

>> No.4394307

>>4394295
well I have steven king the dark tower on my phone, I hoped to read that, but I don't know if that series can help me, for the little I read I see he spends a lot of pages describing the characters and the places and stuff like that.

>> No.4394331

>>4394307
It's more fantasy than horror, and it really falls apart later in the series. When you get to Wizard and Glass you might as well stop. He really falls off the rails and even as a person who HAS to read an entire series I stopped reading this one.

>> No.4394336

>>4394307

Just do what you do best, if it's descriptions, then do them and build everything else around it.
Like if you describe a huge nail rammed in a wall, make a character hang himself on it later on, etc etc.
Make every damn detail count.

>> No.4394387

>>4394331
Okey what then? I guess my story is some sort of the hills have eyes, but with less evil, if that helps.

>> No.4394397

>"Bodah's Passage" was a well known place in the small town the young man lived in.
> It was quite famous ...
redundancy?

>architectural unnaturality
kinda sounds weird, doesn't it?

>the young man felt heavier, and heavier, as if gravity itself shifted directly underneath his feet.
Does it make sense to say that "gravity shifted directly underneath him"?


>thinking that this was it for sure, he was about to die when all of the sudden he noticed that something is quite off.
this sentence becomes a bit of mess. I think it'd be better if you could split if up or re-arrange it in some way.

>A shadow was building up behind him, growing,
I thought it was very dark there? How can there be a shadow?

> A shadow was building up behind him,
> thought that whoever is beind him
> a figure that appeared behind him,

3 times in one sentence.


>The figure, now in front of the young man looked somewhat humanoid,
Wouldn't it be more apt to say something like "the young man, now facing the figure ...." ?
It seems to correspond better with the fact this it was the young man who turned around,
rather than the figure moving.

>Darkness started to fill the eyes of the mask, but it was unlike any darkness the young man has seen before, it was closer to something like a black light, or anti-light, seeming to absorb all the other light around it, creating absolute darkness.

But it's already quite dark, how is the man seeing these distinctions?

>> No.4394406

There's some things that can be polished grammar wise. For instance, this sentence:

>It was quite famous, not only for it's architectural unnaturality, you see, the passage consisted of a narrow walkway, not more than a meter wide surrounded by three meters tall walls with visible bricks covered in huge amounts of unfinished graffiti, but also for the uneasy claustrophobic feeling it would give to many who dared to walk that way, especially in the midst of a night.

I'd rework it into something like

>It was quite famous, you see, not only for its architectural peculiarities--it was a narrow passage-way, no more than a meter wide with a myriad of unfinished graffitti covering it's three-meter-tall brick walls--, but also because of the uneasy sense of claustrophobia it induced on the people who dared walk through it in the middle of the night.

>> No.4394415

>>4394397

>He was found the next morning on the ground, in a pool of blood, being blind, deaf, mute. afterwards he was taken to a hospital and once he recovered they transfered him in a mental hospital, but at least he was alive... if you can call that "life".

What did he recover from? Did he started talking, seeing or hearing again?
Why was he taken to a mental hospital if he recovered?

>> No.4394436

Horror is a pretty difficult thing. Not it is difficult to pull off, but every writer has their own ideas on what's scary or why horror stories work and they may not always see eye-to-eye with the readers. In a sense, horror is a lot less about writers finding their audience and a shitload more about readers finding their writer.

>> No.4394449

>>4394397
Thank you

>Redundancy
I guess.

>kinda sounds weird, doesn't it?
I like weirdness

>Does it make sense to say that "gravity shifted directly underneath him"?
English is not my main language, so for me it sounds perfectly fine.


>this sentence becomes a bit of mess. I think it'd be better if you could split if up or re-arrange it in some way.
I'll look into it.

>I thought it was very dark there? How can there be a shadow?
Not very dark, only "darker". Darker than the street filled with street lights the young man was coming from.

>3 times in one sentence.
Aw shit I'll need to check that shit.


>Wouldn't it be more apt to say something like "the young man, now facing the figure ...." ?
It seems to correspond better with the fact this it was the young man who turned around,
rather than the figure moving.

This is golden advice.


>But it's already quite dark, how is the man seeing these distinctions?
You have obviously never seen anti light!

>> No.4394471

>>4394449

what far corner of the world you come from that gravity isn't ALWAYS beneath you?

>> No.4394474

>>4394471
Australia.

>> No.4394485
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4394485

>>4394474

o i c

>> No.4394487

>>4394471
Also may I add that gravity is ALL AROUND YOU, learn2physics.

>> No.4394498

>>4394415
I underestimated the power of the word "recovery"
Thank you.

>> No.4394511

>>4394406
You see, my vocabulary is not that advanced, maily because I've lived some time in Germany, Hungary and leastly I'm in Croatia, so my english never managed to develop..
I agree, yours sounds better, but if I'd re write it like that.. It just wouldn't be "mine" anymore

>> No.4394541

>>4394487

B-but I'm studying literature precisely so I don't have to deal with physics or numbers...

>> No.4394548

>>4394541
Well, I'm an engineering student so I know what I am talking about.
Anyway, choosing this college was easily one of the worst decisions of my life.

>> No.4394551

>>4394511

Thing is that there's a fine line between something written oddly and something written wrongly. Syntax in other languages does not always translate correctly. Sentence structures that make sense in Hungarian or even French may not work in English, so you have to find your way around them.

I guess what you're doing is thinking your stories in your native language, THEN translating them into english, and that's why they ring somewhat odd-

>> No.4394560

>>4394551
But they are not written wrongly per se?

>> No.4394579

>>4394551
Oh and the "oddly written" sentences as you call them, might originate from the fact that I'm more used to writing poetry.

>> No.4394584

>The expression on the young man's face at that moment can barely be described, but I'll describe it anyway.

Good ol HP would be proud.

>> No.4394597

>>4394584
I got a thing for Lovecraftian monstrosities.

>> No.4394632

Why not write in your native language?
Which language do you write your poetry in?

>> No.4394640

>>4394632
English as well, I have started writing English, I rarely wrote in any other language, I don't know why, it just felt better.

>> No.4394758

>>4394640
OK;

About the story: the passage has 3 meter high walls, does this mean that the stairs go down 3meters? How high are the walls from the street level up?

It matters because of what the sources of light may be. Is the sky blocked? Is there moonlight?

>> No.4395902

>>4394758
I never mentioned any stairs, did I?
The passage is on the street level, and the moonlight is not completely blocked, that's why the passage seemed "darker" or maybe it was just the influence of that mysterious figure?