/lit/ - Literature

[Anonymous No.4388900]

It's time. Post the worst opening line for a novel you can think of.

>After getting caught masturbating on the subway three times in under a month, I decided I'd have to change tactics.

[Anonymous No.4388905]

Time's a drag when you're having no fun.

>wincer

[Anonymous No.4388916]

>>4388900
The night of the Great Storm the quizzles, which are the smallest kind of dragon that lives in the land of Hydantioch, would not stop fluttering around the head of Niggletog Perriwog no matter how many times he swung his flaming sword Deathbitch at them.

[Anonymous No.4388917]

It's time. Post the worst opening line for a novel you can think of.

[Anonymous No.4388921]

As it transpired, making love to cats was considered neither performance art nor legal.

[Anonymous No.4388922]

>>4388917

heh. so meta

[Anonymous No.4388927]

Gregor Samsa awoke on morning to discover that he had somehow transformed into a giant cockroach

[Anonymous No.4388928]

>>4388916
>Book is filled with ficticious locations that aren't explained later and have hideous long ass names

[Anonymous No.4388929]

Ezekiel Goldstein knelt under the hot Egyptian sun. Planting these fake dinosaur bones was hard work, but as a son of Zion, he had to do his part to deceive the gentiles into believing in that absurd theory they called "evolution." As he toiled in the Mesopotamian heat, he comforted himself by thinking about the struggles of Moses and his disciples in that very same desert, but then he recalled none of them had existed.

"Oy vey," he muttered to no one in particular. "My tuchus hurts."

[Anonymous No.4388932]

>>4388927

troll. that's a badass opening sir

[Anonymous No.4388934]

>>4388932
*rubs monocles*

[Anonymous No.4388937]

>>4388927
huehuehua

[Anonymous No.4388939]

>>4388929

LOL

[Anonymous No.4388940]

>>4388929
>no mentions of the shoah or conspirating of faking the holohoax
Try again, James.

[Anonymous No.4388943]

Carol deserved to be raped.

[Anonymous No.4388946]

>>4388921
Made me laugh.

[Anonymous No.4388947]

>>4388900
I would love to read a novel with that line.

[Anonymous No.4388950]

Ben Finkelstein was the kind of guy who made you wish the holocaust had actually happened.

[Anonymous No.4388952]

>>4388929
>"Oy vey," he muttered to no one in particular. "My tuchus hurts."
Brilliant, 10/10.

[Anonymous No.4388954]

"Arf," said Rex, my dog, who I loved very much. "Arf."

[Anonymous No.4388956]

Incha nova. Ickle born. Tuttle house was hoitus ran cruxifiscis.

[Anonymous No.4388957]

The city was a cold and dark and cruel place full of drugs and prostitutes and crime. It made me sad.

[Anonymous No.4388961]

>>4388927
Specifying it's a cockroach makes it terrible.

Plump, stately Buck Mulligan fell down the humptystairhead duel wielding his crossed razors and, fuck it.

[Anonymous No.4388964]

David had been trying to suck his own dick for a year. That evening, he made a breakthrough.

[Anonymous No.4388966]

>>4388900
When he swaggered into the room Sherlock Holmes knew in like a second that the fat Colonel Haberdashery had killed the dead guy, but he decided to dick everyone around for a few hours because, though he hated Dr. Watson almost as much as he did the smelly Belgians, the pussy game ridiculous.

[Anonymous No.4388970]

This book really picks up around page 200, so stick with it.

[Anonymous No.4388972]

A green leaf fell from the big tree and then fell towards the ground and then landed on the soft ground but then the cold wind made the green leaf go back into the air and then it landed on the ground again but this time it landed on a bit of the ground that was hard and not soft and it was quickly eaten by a quick hedgehog that went towards it fast and that hedgehog was called harry and this is his story!!

[William the Conqueror !/VswXizUZ2 No.4388975]

As my colon erupted from my mouth, I detected a faint taste of shit running through it in a manner that permeated the very fabric of its intestinal essence.

[Anonymous No.4388976]

>>4388929
>>4388954
>>4388956
>>4388957
Hell, I'd keep reading these ones.

[Anonymous No.4388979]

The day had arrived, so long had I waited for this moment to come, when the little item which would change my life for good arrived, in all it's splendor, softness, and pure red and silver coating of paint.
I was itching to use it, but first I needed some lotion.

[Anonymous No.4388987]

>>4388927
You, I like you. Was my favorite movie for a long time.

[Anonymous No.4388988]

Homosexuals never really bothered me until one particular faggot hit on me like I was an inconsequential piece of meat, there only for his barbaric intake, confident and encouraged by jewish-driven agenda of depravity, his lustful stare reminding me of the sight you often see from a pack of niggers attacking a KFC meal.

[Anonymous No.4388989]

None of these are bad.

Fucking step it up.

[Anonymous No.4388991]

>>4388900
Johnathon stuck his dick into the salsa and swirlied it. "EWWW" the girls screamed in chorus.

[Anonymous No.4389000]

>>4388943
>>4388950
I like these as openings, it tells you the pov character has extreme views in a rather sudden and funny way.

[Anonymous No.4389013]

>>4388989
Please offer your definition of bad and I'll give it a shot

[Anonymous No.4389016]

>>4388964
>mfw I'm called David and used to be able to suck my own dick

[Anonymous No.4389026]

Faggaliciousness took a large step to clear the pile of dirty laundry but his foot caught on a sweatshirt. Down he went. BOOM!

[Anonymous No.4389028]

The famous man looked at the red cup.

[Anonymous No.4389032]

HEY FUCKING FUCKING. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FAGGOT FAGGOT.

[Anonymous No.4389034]

Life is pain. But pain... pain is beautiful.

[Anonymous No.4389036]

>>4388900
I am seated in an office, surrounded by heads and bodies.

[Anonymous No.4389037]

Rocko Dillinger had always wondered what it would be like to live in the video game world. But as his anti-orc laser glanced off the descending axe of Nebulon Bludfrakk , the phrase be careful what you wish for came to him.

[Anonymous No.4389038]

I wasn't sure why I did what I did on that day in New York, but given the choice I would still do again what I did on that day in New York, because in an abstract way I was in fact correct.

[Anonymous No.4389040]

>>4389036
this is pretty good because i don't know whether you're referring to mindless employees or cut off bodyparts

[Anonymous No.4389042]

http://adamcadre.ac/lyttle.html

Highlights:
>The stranger rode into town with eyes that said his sixgun would have stories to tell, if it spoke any language other than the guttural tongue of violence.


>‘Pfft’ — he knew the silent but deadly whisper of a silenced SIG SG 550 rifle with a 650mm barrel and a 254mm rifling twisting rate.

>The meteor formed a crater, vampires crawling out of the crater.

[Anonymous No.4389043]

Aragor's longsword was hefty. His hands were aching and cracked. But the orcs were relentless. They came in hordes.

[Anonymous No.4389044]

One day, Aladdin found a lamp, and wished for 9/11.

[Anonymous No.4389045]

"IF YOU REALLY want to hear about it..."

[Anonymous No.4389047]

>>4389034
>mfw

[Anonymous No.4389048]

>>4389042
>hard mode
>w&p

top kek

[Anonymous No.4389052]

Teddy put in a Counting Crows CD and cranked it, while keeping the beat on the steering wheel he gave Jessica a coy grin and said, "This is some hard drivin' rock and roll man!!!"

[Anonymous No.4389062]

>>4389042
>First rank isn't 'god-tier' but 'gibberish'.
Great stuff.

[Anonymous No.4389067]

As I turned the steering wheel I couldn't help but notice how it represented the thoughts that turned in my head, and my head that turned on my pillow at night, and my pillow that turned in the washing machine, and my washing machine that turned on at the wall, and my wall that turned to reveal a hidden basement in which I kept my victims genitals pickled.

[Anonymous No.4389079]

Hi my name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that’s how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!)

[Anonymous No.4389083]

>>4388900
Rosy went red, Rosy went blue, and that's how I ended up in the chair.

[Anonymous No.4389097]

>>4389083
wow would fucking read

[Anonymous No.4389098]

Da'zzoru'alan, Elven prince of X'ala'oxilian, wielder of The Dark Blade had a dark secret.

[Anonymous No.4389100]

It was time. The revolution had finally come. "Kill them all! Get the fascist bastards!" Winston screamed, as he clutched the pistol grip of his LR-15 light assault rifle.

[Anonymous No.4389112]

It all began with 666 mL of hydrochloric acid (666 M), 20 mL hydrogen peroxide (666%) and a spoonful of friendship.

[Anonymous No.4389113]

His prolapsed rectum spilled from his anus as a rose blossoms from its bush, dripping its sour juices onto the face of the now dead lamb. As the juices dried to a glossy sheen, he realized that there was much important work to be done.

[Anonymous No.4389117]

here's my favorite from a previous thread:

The year is 1776. It is the future.

[Anonymous No.4389119]

Robert's stool had been creamy that day, oh yes, that day, that special day in fourth grade when he became a man.

[Anonymous No.4389124]

>>4389117
haha what the fuck? That doesn't make any sense at all

[Anonymous No.4389127]

>>4389117
haha what the fuck? That's honestly stupid, what book is it from?

[Anonymous No.4389133]

The women's rights movement needs a champion and I, Polly Pepperpot, aim to give them one.

[Anonymous No.4389141]

>>4389124
>>4389127

[Anonymous No.4389147]

The wind whispers the name of the dying god.

[Anonymous No.4389154]

The life of a door-to-door pickle salesman can be sour.

[Anonymous No.4389163]

>>4388900
I had a friendly pet snake and he isn't in this tale of mine.

[Anonymous No.4389168]

>>4388972
AHAHAHA

my sides anon

[Anonymous No.4389174]

"Don't worry Mrs. President," said Turk February as he cocked his huge gun, "these scumbag terrorists won't hurt a hair on your pretty little head."

[Anonymous No.4389178]

They say the pen is mightier than the sword, sadly this is not the case for the controversial writer, as a knife draws warm crimson blood from his body.

Those are the last lines of the book your about to read.

[Anonymous No.4389192]

Sven Yamamoto, the Viking Ninja, loosed a volley of shuriken before plunging his axe into the neck of the nearest oncoming alien bug.

[Anonymous No.4389201]

>>4389192
I would read the fuck out of this

[Anonymous No.4389202]

I was just a normal person like everybody else, but then, it happened.

[Anonymous No.4389210]

Once upon a time I rode through the desert and saw the sun and stared. My eyes hurt and I cursed the name God. Now I am hanging; surrounded by towels and garbage bags.

[Anonymous No.4389220]

>>4389210
wot

[Anonymous No.4389222]

Sara tried not to cry as Tanner Guffin fingered her in the janitor's closet, "I love you Susan" he whispered.

[Anonymous No.4389226]

there was a man, i refer to him as a man as i am writing to an audience that would have no frame of reference were i to explain what man had become; he is winning a battle but there is a sense of foreboding that all is not well and he will die in the 2nd to last chapter

[Anonymous No.4389232]

Katy Glub addressed the class, "I would like to share my battle with obesity", she wheezed.

[Anonymous No.4389236]

Sir Ryan Tsirhc was captain of the Jho'qzari Riders, "men, today is a good day to die" he cries out and faces the dragon.

[Anonymous No.4389237]

If there was a nuclear apocalypse where only Jessica Alba and I survived and we were tasked with repopulating the world I would kill myself rather than force myself to fornicate with her because I know that our offspring would look like leprosy stricken monstrosities compared to the potential ones that could be made by a heavenly blessed beauty like yourself.

[Anonymous No.4389240]

Viola Franciti left her heavy bare breasts uncovered as she prowled the cold December streets of Venice, for she was a vampire.

[Anonymous No.4389251]

Serpents. She hated serpents. Everytime she saw a serpent death and destruction had followed. At first she passed it off as mere coincidence but as time went on she came to realise more and more that it was not a coincidence and that these serpents needed investigation.

[Anonymous No.4389258]

Truth...the search for truth. In this universe and the next the only known objective truth is that my daughters pussy game be redic.

[Anonymous No.4389257]

>>4388928
>ficticious

[Anonymous No.4389270]

After cumming in yet another eight year old, I knew it was time for a big change in my life.

[Anonymous No.4389274]

After parting her cheeks like the red sea, Moses put on his robe and wizard hat and set out once more to do God's bidding.

[Anonymous No.4389280]

>>4389274
> put on his robe and wizard hat

instant classic

[Anonymous No.4389286]

>>4388900
This opening is kinda hot.

[Anonymous No.4389290]

It was a still night at the Vatican, but in a tiny alcove overlooking the papal gardens, the dim light of a monitor revealed the shadow of a man kneeled in prayer.

"Our father who art in heaven", began the Pope. "Give us this day our daily dubs."

[Anonymous No.4389293]

That feeling when no girlfriend.

[Anonymous No.4389294]

>>4389290
>"Our father who art in heaven", began the Pope. "Please tell everyone that Argentina is white."

[Anonymous No.4389298]

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.

[Anonymous No.4389301]

The batter thickened and my watch chimed to say it was 4 o'clock in the morning.

I've lost control of my life.

[Anonymous No.4389302]

>>4389301
pretty good line imo

[Anonymous No.4389305]

>"Bang!"

Many moons ago I went to a fucktarded elementary school. First to fourth grade, all of my teachers tried to brainwash us into thinking starting a story with a sound effect was a surefire way to get the reader's attention.
To this day, I don't know why they told us that, unless they thought it was cute or some shit.

[Anonymous No.4389306]

In his office at MIT, unconscious Stallman lies sleeping.

[Anonymous No.4389308]

heres a little somethin' i wrote, put a lot of work into it ;)


It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way – in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.

[Anonymous No.4389314]

Penn Jillette was hunched over a stack of resumes early in the morning. "Bachelor of Arts, majoring in English literature." He took a long sigh and finished off his coffee. "Into the trash it goes."

[Anonymous No.4389317]

Penn Jillette was hunched over a stack of resumes early in the morning. "Bachelor of Arts, majoring in English literature." He sighed and finished his coffee. "Into the trash it goes."

[Anonymous No.4389324]

>>4388900
That's a fucking great opening line. Apply yourself.

[Anonymous No.4389326]

The job was a simple - a dawn raid on an apartment in precinct 16 where bible smugglers were exchanging holy texts. Another kid with a grenade and a death wish blocked our way to the apartment. But this one had a different look in her eyes.

[Anonymous No.4389329]

>It was a dark and stormy night.

Fucking vomit

[Anonymous No.4389333]

As I dry-rode the future Mrs. O'Reilly while smelling the stink of her dirty hole wafting up towards my nasal cavities, I thought back to the old country and the smell of silage in the crisp winter air that traveled all the way from auld farmer Shaw's little farm; the smell of silage signaled that winter had come and the future Mrs. O'Reilly was cumming.

[Anonymous No.4389338]

I was six when I told my first-grade classmates that I wanted to be an animator when I grew up. I'm 26 now, cumming on my bed sheets to what I once hoped to create. I fold the laptop closed with my dry hand.

[Anonymous No.4389336]

>>4389305
>>4389329
And then she said it was the best story in my whole grade!

[Anonymous No.4389337]

>>4389308

Dickens? You're back from the dead! I see you haven't located the semicolon on your keyboard.

[Anonymous No.4389347]

LIVING HER CHILDHOOD in the basement of an orphanage/brothel, Maribel Susan decided it was time to evict revenge on that wicked pimp granny with her sharper than diamond katana.

[Anonymous No.4389351]

>>4389338
I would read this.

[Anonymous No.4389355]

>>4389333
Pure. Joyce.

[Anonymous No.4389372]

>>4388900
>After getting caught masturbating on the subway three times in under a month, I decided I'd have to change tactics.

But this sounds like it's the beginning of a eye opening book about a NEET.

I kind of want to read this book now. This is what I hate about my imagination.

[Anonymous No.4389387]

>>4389372
>But this sounds like it's the beginning of a eye opening book about a NEET.

There is nothing eye-opening about being NEET. Nobody interviews the losing team, because nobody cares to hear what the losing team has to say.

NEETs are the perpetual losers. The losers throughout ages, the losers who everyone knows lost.

[Anonymous No.4389398]

>>4389387

Haven't read Confederacy of Dunces, I see.

[Anonymous No.4389403]

Days can start off in many remarkable ways, but when your mail is delivered from the next town over on the back of a hippopotamus-esque woman, things can only get worse from there on.

[Anonymous No.4389404]

>>4388954
kek

[Anonymous No.4389410]

I whipped my dick out and smacked Richard the Bitchard across the lips. "I bestow upon your mouth the gift of pubic lice." It was the happiest day of my life.

[Anonymous No.4389415]

>>4389398
No, you haven't read Confederacy of Dunces. Ignatius is forced to get a job in the early chapters of the book.

If Ignatius didn't get a job within the book's pages, over 90% of the book's happenings would not have happened to Ignatius.

Let this be a lesson to all you loser NEETs pounding out your tedious bore of a book: getting a job actually provides material you can use, whereas not getting a job does not.

[Anonymous No.4389450]

>>4389387
>what is sorrows of young werther?
>what is notes from the underground?
>what is nearly all depressing literature?

how's that ya fiction treating you, anon?

[Anonymous No.4389476]

>>4389450
>lists two examples, one of which even fits.
>shoehorns everything else into "depressing literature"

You are a failure.

[Anonymous No.4389489]

>>4389476
>missing the fact that i was aiming my answer against the sentiment of not writing on the losing team, as opposed to the technical definition of NEET

keep being a fucking splerg-lord mate.

[Anonymous No.4389501]

>>4389489
>splerg-lord

Keep using inane, idiotic buzzwords like above, bro. They really help you appear relevant.

No, really.

[Anonymous No.4389522]

>>4389501
i'm sorry, do you have an actual counter-argument? or do you generally just decide the veracity of any given suggestion based on things completely peripheral to the point?

[Anonymous No.4389525]

>>4389522
You've lost and you know it.

[Anonymous No.4389528]

>>4388961
>duel wielding

lost it

[Anonymous No.4389532]

>>4389525
>focusing on the insult and not the argument
>winning anything
I smiled

[Anonymous No.4389544]

>>4389525
lel, ok bro.

just to clarify, because you seemed to have missed my entire point.

yes, i agree that no one writes about NEETs. but, i disagree with your contention that this is because they are losers. maybe it was an over-exaggeration, but a huge amount of sad literature is written by and about people who are society's losers. daizu, hemingway, proust...they're all losers and their characters are losers.

so it should be quite obvious that literature is not just because people don't want to hear about the winners. the reason no one writes about NEETs is because they do literally nothing and they're fucking boring.

[Anonymous No.4389546]

>>4389544
*so it should be quite obvious that they're absent from literature not just because people only want to hear about the winners.

[Anonymous No.4389571]

To his immodest surprise there were still embers glowing when he saw her.

[Anonymous No.4390194]

Pic related.

[Anonymous No.4390208]

In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit.

[Anonymous No.4390252]

>>4389410
>Richard the Bitchard

Beautiful

[Anonymous No.4390270]

>>4389298
*tips fedora

[Anonymous No.4390330]

I could tell he was afraid to fight me because his whole body had gone as numb as your arm does when you are watching your laptop too long on youtube and you start leaning on your arm. He was fat too.

[Anonymous No.4390337]

>>4388966
10/10 would read

[Anonymous No.4390398]

quizzerned, hark-fallen... shillablastered, hot; the "young womYN was
" already Becoming Undependant on the patritarchy. "i am andependant of myself and its my dooty, therefor, to not like the patriarky!!"
the chauvanistic male pig (piglet, she thought to herself because he is a male and below her") smirked, stood, and said "excuse me but i am teacher and this is not a patriarchy, kindly leave i am trying to teach my children pupils science i mean you know harm"
she sighed a sighful sigh, "why is rape so accepted in modern culture, anyone would think i lied when i tell them i was just raped" she thought to herself.

[Anonymous No.4390399]

General McGeady told me to 900 push-ups for dinner; I told him to fuck himself for lunch.

[Anonymous No.4390461]

>>4390194
Please say that's not an actual book.

[Anonymous No.4390735]

"Stay frosty brave knights" said lord William q esquire as he looked through the scope of his sniper musket "Oscar Mike" replied baron edgar , reloading the clip on his flintlock turret.

[Anonymous No.4390846]

'Its pronounced shay-kez-pierre' Jessie's english professor farted languidly. As she sighed and her heavy breasts full of nutritious milk for her many future infants shifted.

[Anonymous No.4392696]

>>4390461
It's real

[Anonymous No.4392786]

>>4388900
"But nah," John looked over at to in the giant, bolbous, kitchen sink and saw that ten dishes had, but had not properly been, to his obsolete, but hard opinion, which he loved to hear, been washed properly with his favourite pink, scratched, torn, dank cloth that had the giant, starkly black words plastered on it: META, which, sticking out of the pink in contrast, were set over a faded, crackled image of a giant nigger head.

"Ja kan," John Tyrone Alistair-McCortiganta muttered to him/herself in a low, rasping, scrackling drawl of a dead voice, "inte talar svenska."