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/lit/ - Literature

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4320530 No.4320530[DELETED]  [Reply] [Original]

It's that time again.

Write the worst opening sentence you can think of for a novel.

>Kevin was smart and handsome and cool and all the girls in school wanted him and he's a vampire.

>> No.4320534

Fuck off and take your stupid fucking Chinese cartoons with you.

>> No.4320542

Late in the winter of my seventeenth year, my mother decided I was depressed, presumably because I rarely left the house, spent quite a lot of time in bed, read the same book over and over, ate infrequently, and devoted quite a bit of my abundant free time to thinking about death.

>> No.4320545

If death begets death, maybe, I thought, love can beget love.

>> No.4320551

I woke up to the sound of rain. The sky was the color of a tv tuned to a deep channel.

>> No.4320552

The end.
...NOT!

>> No.4320556

"I Touch myself. A bit, OK, a Lot"
-When Dogs Cry

I had to read that piece of shit for english, book is about an autist who does nothing

>> No.4320567

>>4320534
If a book opened with that line, I'd read it.

>> No.4320568

As it always would be, it was.

>> No.4320572

>>4320545
>>4320552

captcha: many Har

>> No.4320579 [DELETED] 

"Fuck off and take your stupid fucking Chinese cartoons with you.”
The doors slammed shut, barely missing my nose. Ever since I applied that amazing Rei decal (by far the best drunk online buy this year) on my Prius, Dad has been even more set on disowning me than before — even though I only attempted setting things between us during my monthly excursions into society now.

>> No.4320581

>>4320567
"Fuck off and take your stupid fucking Chinese cartoons with you.”
The doors slammed shut, barely missing my nose. Ever since I applied that amazing Rei decal (by far the best drunk online buy this year) on my Prius, Dad has been even more set on disowning me than before — even though I only attempted setting things straight between us during my monthly excursions into society now.

>> No.4320586

Gay sex felt much better than Gaiman thought since he was a gay man.

>> No.4320588

I am seated in an office, surrounded by heads and bodies. My posture is consciously congruent to the shape of my hard chair.

>> No.4320589

>>4320588
Sorry, that's two sentences. What I meant was.

I am seated in an office, surrounded by heads and bodies.

>> No.4320590

>>4320588

This sounds like the start of some horrible pseudointellectual circlejerk that everyone would claim to have read but no one really has.

>> No.4320591

Thank you for buying this book, which 's awesome, I say!

>> No.4320592

>>4320556
now that's what I call indoctrination in schools

>> No.4320594

>>4320591

Unless you haven't bought it yet and you're just standing there in the bookstore perusing it, in which case: buy this book already, chump!!! I didn't write it for free, you know!

>> No.4320596

>>4320591
Is this not prety much how If On A Winter's Night A Traveller starts?

>> No.4320601

>>4320581
kek

>> No.4320602

I remember it was in those months when I ran out of toiler paper and just a few days after my dog jumped into the toilet, a portal opened in my toilet which would change my normal NEET life forever.

>> No.4320603

Heavens to Betsy, these past couple days have been weird.

>> No.4320607

>>4320530
Absalom brought cities to their knees, grasping at life with so many breaths, a tumult of bodies rendered for their fat and made into soap at the behest of the king and his men.

>> No.4320608

It all began with a moist, peculiarly itchy sensation in Barry's crotch.

>> No.4320609

>>4320596
"You are about to begin reading Italo Calvino's new novel, If on a winter's night a traveler. "

doesn't have the cringeworthy "'s awesome" or "I say" to it

>> No.4320610

"This book will change my life forever," Tom whispered as he put down the freshly read copy of Atlas Shrugged.

>> No.4320612

John had sat and thought for literally minutes about how to begin his 1000-page epic on the life of the average twenty-something NEET when the perfectly self-referential answer suddenly came to him.

"It's like poetry", he breathed.

>> No.4320615

Tim sometimes wondered what might have happened if Hitler hadn't won the Second World War and taken over Britain and Japan hadn't conquered America by inventing giant combat robots, which was silly because those things had happened.

>> No.4320617

A classic from last there

As I watched fragments of my life burn, I whispered:
> lel

>> No.4320619

>>4320615
I would probably read this. I love reading awful trash like this for fun

>> No.4320624

>>4320617
10/10 if this is also the last line.

>> No.4320661

Stately, plump Buck Mulligan came crashing down the stairway in a flurry of gasps, curses and broken china, smearing blood and lather all over the walls with his flailing arms, before landing ass-up at Steven Dedaluss' feet, exclaiming, "Ehhhh!! get the razor out my back youfokken jesuit!!"

>> No.4320667 [DELETED] 

Keith sat alone in his apartment, gun in his mouth, tears streaming down his face. He was ready to pull the trigger when suddenly, in the other room, his mind focused on a commercial that came on the television; it was an insurance ad in which a dog speaks with a silly Cockney accent. Keith smiled, removed the gun from his mouth, and thought aloud, "Maybe tomorrow."

>> No.4320673

Keith sat alone in his apartment, gun in his mouth, tears streaming down his face. He was ready to pull the trigger when suddenly his mind focused on a commercial that came on the television in the other room; it was an insurance ad in which a dog speaks with a silly Cockney accent. Keith smiled, removed the gun from his mouth, and thought aloud, "Maybe tomorrow."

>> No.4320680

My vampire boyfriend hugged me tightly as we gazed sullenly at the post apocalyptic waste

>> No.4320684

Trigonometry is too hard, so I decided to go swimming with my BFF Jill.

>> No.4320687

The pitch blackness cloaked my body but my anger could not be hidden

>> No.4320695

Stroke after stroke, I slowly approached my climax.

>> No.4320754

>>4320542
Is The Fault In Our Stars really that bad for being YA fiction?

>> No.4320761

>>4320530
>tense shift

Content is debatable, but no self-respecting author would go from past to present tense like that.

>> No.4320764

>>4320695
>climax on the first page
Now that's a bad opening, do you even story structure?
The rest of it was great though.

>> No.4320766

>>4320619
Are there any cult classics in literature like there are in film, that are read purely because of how hysterically bad they are?

>> No.4320769

>>4320766

>>4317200

>> No.4320770

>>4320766
Infinite Jest

>> No.4320787

Stately, plump Buck Mulligan came from the stairhead, bearing a bowl of lather on which a mirror and razor lay crossed.

>> No.4320792

>>4320787
Fuck, I should learn to read.
>>4320661

>> No.4320796

>>4320769
Holy shit this is amazing.

>> No.4320812

"This sure is a dark and stormy night," Doctor Razormuscle emphatically ejaculated

>> No.4320843

"'I'm Dr. Kashmir", said Dr. Kashmir'"

>> No.4320859
File: 213 KB, 1000x1000, 1385429229495.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
4320859

>>4320534
>>>/v/

>> No.4320886

It was a dark and stormy night when suddenly

>> No.4320889

>>4320766
William McGonagall's poesy.

>> No.4320895

There they were; two lost souls approaching the depths of evil destruction, when suddenly, the bad voice said, "I am scary."

>> No.4320917

"Hello! Before you start to read, please remember to not get too attached to the main character because he will obsiviously die in chapter XY. Have a nice day!"

>> No.4321060

"I had taken up the habit of opening every outwards door in my house my slamming my head against it."

>> No.4321125

[~(. .)*>/ ^|^] [ (--- -> ###) ] [4thRR] Ox [10+1111+1111+1010].

>> No.4321130

I stared at my now-talking cactus; it is real!

>> No.4321145

In the year 40X9-B-Forgotten, on Nu-Earth, in an alleyway where the k'lug and nft'al fight and love, John Killer takes a breath of his HyperPower Oxygen tank (which gives him superpowers).

>> No.4321154
File: 80 KB, 274x335, 1367783866390.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
4321154

>John Stalvern waited.

>> No.4321161

>>4321145
you should add that he is a Werempire or Vampwolf because his father was a werewolf and his mother was a vampire.

that would add some diversity and depth to the story :)

>> No.4321170

If I told you that a secret club exists whose members are drawn only from the most powerful people in society: the bankers, the super‑rich, media moguls, CEOs, lawyers, law enforcement, arms dealers, decorated military personnel, politicians, government officials and even distinguished clergy from the Catholic Church– would you believe me?

>> No.4321179

Jonathan, a 15 year old surbubanite who self-identified as the pan-queer trans-species demogorgon Quandlaon but was more commonly known around town as 'faggy jon', found, much to his dismay, that his new fursuit left room for only a single rectal insert, thus necessitating a choice he had hoped never to face.

>> No.4321192

>>4321179
what was the choice. I have to know

>> No.4321231

Mother died.

>> No.4321249

>>4320530

Gladiator Phoenix exercised full control over the borders of Glencaux sector 8 in Nebulon of the G-5 galaxy; the intergalactic trade agreements were reaching a point of diminishing returns for the Colobion people, and their economy was declining at a gradual rate.

>> No.4321256

>>4320530

Teresa never thought she'd fall in love, and then she met Cha Cha.

>> No.4321262

>>4320530

Rain pattered upon the cobblestone streets, which stretched along obscured corridors of listless abodes in barren cities of empty black.

>> No.4321264

>>4321249
10/10 I love it.

>> No.4321268

>>4320530

They say do what you love, but they can't tell me what to do.

>> No.4321271

He couldn't stop staring at her.

>> No.4321279

Jack Harkness was not a man to be kept waiting.

>> No.4321280

>>4320530

People thought Chuck was a normal kid, but "people" are just an arbitrary majority that predicate social constructs, establishing false dichotomies between deviancy and normativity.

>> No.4321282

Ugh, Becky.

>> No.4321287

"THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID", hollered Kyle.

>> No.4321304

>>4320530

In the beginning there were four elements with people in each and dragons too this was in medieval times.

>> No.4321316

>>4320530

Loneliness is my new best friend.

>> No.4321317

>>4321287

Would read, assuming the title was the set-up.

>> No.4321319

"Um" and "what" were the last words that slipped out of Jeffery's mouth before he slipped into oblivion in his grandmother's front yard, poised awkwardly under the weight of the Craftsman riding lawnmower which pinned what little was left of him to the freshly cut floor of green and red (and just in time for the Christmas).

>> No.4321321

Don't go chasing waterfalls.

>> No.4321324

>>4320530

The music at the club was pumping, Armin Van Buuren blaring on the speakers, when this fine ass bitch approached me and asked if I wanted my dick sucked - third bitch tonight; What could I say but yes? I'm a generous dude.

>> No.4321325

Hello readers, I am a genderfluid, omnisexual, transethnic otherkin and you shall address me by the pronoun zir, and if you do not, may Zeus have mercy on your soul, because when I'm done with you, you won't think it's funny to be a man anymore, and there will be one less disgusting pig around to propagate the patriarchy!

>> No.4321328

Webster's Dictionary defines a novel as a long written story usually about imaginary characters and events.

>> No.4321343

>>4320534
Here's my opening line:

People who harbor irrational hatred toward comics and cartoons from Japan, but do not employ the same resentment towards American and western comics and cartoons, but enjoy literature from an international domain, believing their interest to be justified by an imagined division between high and low brow, are the dumbest people in the world.

>> No.4321346

Our story begins with a boy named John, who had irritable bowel syndrome.

>> No.4321362

Emerald flames danced and dazzled upon the magnificent fingertips of Mistress Telissa Tawnwald, arch-summoner of the 333rd school of Demonic Runemancy.

>> No.4321366

"Dort Fartfusss, please report to the Nurse's office for your penis evaluation."

>> No.4321370

>>4320534
>>4320542
>>4320607
>>4320615
>>4320695
>>4321231
>>4321319
>>4321321
>>4321324
I'm interested

>>4320843
A /lit/ classic

>> No.4321377

>>4320530

Eloise narrowed her eyes and nodded intently as she turned yet another page of Infinite Jest.

>> No.4321382

He knew his life would never be the same the moment he got home and saw his mother being gangbanged by his black friends.

>> No.4321386

>>4321231
Mother died today. Or yesterday, I can't remember.

>> No.4321390

>>4321386

Mother died today. Father will tomorrow.

>> No.4321395

>>4321390
>mfw has never read the stranger

>> No.4321406

>>4321390

I'm already dead.

>> No.4321409

>>4321377
I do like the ones that read like they could come from /lit/.

>> No.4321410

>>4321321

"Don't go chasing waterfalls."

Tim looked back, surprised, from his position just outside one of the barriers overlooking Niagara Falls. The surrounding crowd started talking amongst themselves again, as this was the first speech to prompt a reaction from the suicidal vacationer in over 45 minutes. The police, whose efforts to dissuade poor Timothy had been futile, motioned to the random passerby who had begun the song to continue, as it was their only hope at this point.

"...Uh...just stick to the rivers and the streams that you're...okay with..." the man stumbled under the pressure, looking back into the crowd for lyrical support.

"That you're used to!" yelled a middle-aged woman in a visor and fanny pack. "I know that you're gonna have it your way or nothing at all," the tone-deaf road tripper crooned, and many others in the crowd joined in, creating a safety net for Tim that was woven together by the voices of a loving, supportive common-person chorus.

"But I think you're moving too fast," sang the crowd in beautiful, imperfect harmony. With this last line, Tim slowly turned back to the fence, making to come back to his distraught family and friends who were consoling each other by the RV.

"I...I love that song!" Time exclaimed, teary eyed. "That's one of my favorite--"

Just as the words left his mouth, his foot slipped on the wet surface he was pushing off of to ascend the fence. The newly inspired crowd watched, some horrified, some morbidly excited, as the man met his end.

A macabre sense of death spread throughout the crowd, silencing all but the sobbing family members as they ushered themselves back into the recreational vehicle.

>> No.4321411

>>4320530

Fuck life, fuck people, fuck the world, and fuck you, reader, for caring about my fucking opinions.

>> No.4321419

>>4321410
Oh my god.

>> No.4321438

>>4321410
I got a good laugh out of this.

>> No.4321521

Morning-room in Algernon’s flat in Half-Moon Street. The room is luxuriously and artistically furnished. The sound of a piano is heard in the adjoining room.

>> No.4321527

No one really cared about poor August, vampire werewolf cross breed. Why did his mutant family procreate and bring him, the most miserable mutant, into the world?

>> No.4321537

>>4321521
Sounds like it could be a good satire.

>> No.4321548

A weird shape had just leaped onto the balcony. It was a manlike figure, but one whose body was rubbery, boneless-looking, blank-white in color. He wore a metal harness, and his long, slitted green unhuman eyes peered brightly out of an alien white face. Following this rubbery android, or synthetic man, came another figure, equally as strange— a giant metal robot who strode across the balcony on padded feet. He towered seven feet high. In his bulbous metal head gleamed a pair of photoelectric eyes. The robot’s left hand carried the handle of a square transparent box. Inside it a living brain was housed. In the front of the case were the Brain’s two glittering glass lens-eyes. Even now they were moving oh their flexible metal stalks to look at the President.

>> No.4321551

>>4320530
It was, like, SO depressing when it rained really hard, because it made me super sad and depressed and angry and stuff! Also it was my fifteenth birthday.

>> No.4321555

And here I am, not wanting to live anymore. Mouth and belly stuffed with Yew leaves.

>> No.4321560

I lacked the wherewithal to argue, so I said, "That's it, give it to me. Give me the amulet." There was no amulet. There was only lust.

>> No.4321567

His huge pulsating cock bleeding Mike knew he had one last chance.

>> No.4321568

>>4321328
This one is perfect.

>> No.4321605

While I looked into the ejaculate seeping into my sheets like a Rorschach test, I saw my mothers face and realized: Freud might have been right.

>> No.4321657

One morning Jane woke up with a strange tension down her crotch area.
She removed her covers only to find she had grown a six inch long penis where her vagina used to be.

>> No.4321666

There are two things in this world worth living for: books... and pussy, and I chose books.

>> No.4321667

John looked at the meme he had just finished making in photoshop and smiled.

>> No.4321686

>>4321667
I laughed.

>> No.4321718

Jeremy started by opening the can of tuna with a can opener. He then pressed down hard over the sink to let the oil and mercury from the tuna seep out from the can and into the drain. Jeremy wondered for a minute what sort of journey the oil from his tuna would make, would it be a happy one? Would it be a a journey of discovery? Maybe a tragedy? These thoughts permeated Jeremy's brain like oxygen through the membrane of a eukaryotic cell (preferably an animal cell from the liver of a monkey) until he realised that he needed to mix the mayonnaise with the tuna and onions. The mayo was spooned out with the tuna in big clumps and the onion was chopped up quite nicely without making Jeremy tear up.
Jeremy wondered for a second if the tuna enjoyed the company of the onions and mayo and whether the onions and mayo liked their new acquaintances as well.
Jeremy then started to toss the salad while wondering whether the rocket enjoyed the tomatoes company and so on.

The bread rolls sounded like music when Jeremy pressed his hand on them to slice. Jeremy wondered if bread had a sort of crunchy language that was only brought out by pressure to the bread. To make sure the rolls had at least one conversation before they were devoured he pressed them both.
The butter washed over the bread like a sea and finally the tuna concoction and salad fell into the bread like all the waste humans threw into the sea.

>> No.4321725

'Did I ever tell you about the time I anally raped 30 men over the course of an hour?'

>> No.4321996

Josuke knocked the menorah out of my hands as he unsheathed his katana.
"Jews feer za zsamurai, Gorudostein-san." He whispered.

>> No.4322001

>>4321996
At first I read the first word as 'Jesus', which made it immeasurably better/worse.

>> No.4322009

My name is Cassandra Aliyiensbahrough the Third, and I'm a vampire. Also a superhero.

>> No.4322050

>you know how the sky can get really dark just before a storm? Yeah, that, picture that. Johnny was sitting on a bench or chair or whatever, looking up at the sky, watching cars drive by like, really fast. He was totally high and shit. Then he was hit by a nuclear bomb and his whole world got turned upside in.

>> No.4322057

>>4321666
There are two things in this world worth living for: books... and pussy, and I chose books.

With unsteady hands, I pet Biscuit for the last time.
"Just do it," I said quietly, trying to dam my tears with my tightly shut eyelids. "Just fucking do it already and get the hell out of my house."
The man in all black nodded, slowly removing the cold metal surface of his blade from the edge of my temple. I shivered with fear and shame.

"Understandable," he mused. "The only copy your life's research or your grandkids' stupid cat." The nameless intruder laughed. "An easy choice."

"Shut the fuck up," I said through gritted teeth.

"Calm down, sir. I'm doing you a favor. Or should I wake up the children and make them watch?" He moved to walk towards the staircase, and I lost myself.

"You sick fuck!" I growled and got up to tackle him. I had barely taken a step before the masked burgler's fist connected with my forehead. I fell, slumped, to the ground; age seemed to betray any agility I once possessed. Biscuit meowed, unaware of the horrible fate about to befall him. The man kneeled and pet him roughly. Although the cat purred at first, it took only a moment for his feline senses to kick in and call his fur to sharp attention. Biscuit made to bite him, but the man's gloved hands pinned the feline to the foor by his neck and tiny head.

"Don't do this...I have money...I have...burn the books. Burn the books instead! Goddamn it just don't do this!" I was a pathetic sight, bleeding, grovelling into the carpet, trying to lift myself to face the psychopath who'd broken in and given me this ridiculous ultimatum. But it was useless. At seventy-three, my days of physical constitution were far behind me.

"Sorry grandpa, you've made up your mind." Biscuit's screech traveled through the man's muffling hand, but its journey stopped at my ears. The children were fast asleep upstairs, and I was infinitely grateful for that.

I cried for hours as I cleaned the crimson-stained carpet and buried Biscuit; I had barely finished in time to make myself coffee and turn on the morning news to feign normalcy for the kids' sake. Their father would pick them up at seven thirty, and I would say that Biscuit must have run away.

The man left late last night after he had performed his vicious, meaningless deed, and even after the morning's grotesque work, as I prepared my coffee his words continued echoed in my head.

"I'm Batman."

>> No.4322063

>>4322050
you just failed hard at failing hard
this is "The Sound and the Fury" set in post-apocalyptia. 8/10 would read

>> No.4322076

>>4321551
coming of age novel about a Valley Girl
might be good, might be bad

>> No.4322080

>>4321555
interesting

>> No.4322086

>>4322063
You're having a laugh, aren't you?

>> No.4322087

>>4320551
I see what you did there and I don't like it one bit

>> No.4322091

>>4322086
no, I am baked, but entirely serious.
think about it. you tell the story of the collapse of mankind through the eyes of a teenage stoner
I would fucking BUY that book, are you fucking kidding me?

>> No.4322095

>>4322091
Fuck me, I'll write this shit.

>> No.4322101

>>4322091
(cont.) to further explain - Johnny is actually writing his diary as a novel, in the third person because his ego is dissociated by the shit he's seen

>> No.4322105

>>4322095
yes please

>> No.4322106

>>4322101
Dude I'll write this shit and send you the fucking manuscript, just give me your email and you can have chapter one by the end of tomorrow

>> No.4322113

I read the sentence several times, yet it continued to make no sense. How does one even BE a huge Orson Welles?

>> No.4322114

>>4320530
this opening sentence is awesome

>> No.4322126

>>4322106
I am j_valjean@mail.com

>> No.4322132

>>4322126
Jean Valjean m8?

>> No.4322146

>>4322132
yeah, just a literary character.

>> No.4322149

It was the most blood I had ever seen at once. Thank Satan that it wasn't my own.

>> No.4322151

>>4322149
This sounds like something Kadrey might have written

>> No.4322213

>>4322146
Johnny saw the world go like, black and shit for a bit, then he woke up, and his back was fucking killing him. He smelt pork, and suddenly was so hungry, like he could have eaten a pig, maybe not a horse but like a big pig, or even a small cow. Then he looked up and the sky that was, you know, black was now red, fucking red man. And some dude was lying in the road, only it might have been a bitch cos like all his skin was burnt. Fuck, that pork smells good, he thought. He reached into his pocket for a joint and put it in his mouth, then looked for his lighter, but it was like, fucking gone or some shit. But it's cool cos there was a fire or whatever so he lit on that. Took a massive drag. Fuck that felt good etc.

>> No.4322231

>>4322213
you need to think about who Johnny is more and maybe tone down the fucks a bit, but you got the idea. Would he say "bitch"? Or perhaps "chick"? If he were trying to sound cool, world weary and detached, I mean.

also the bit with
> upside in
is pure gold, you need to have him stumble into this kind of unintendedly brilliant description again...

>> No.4322267

I used to make love to a Polish boy from Warsaw in Poland because he would pay me a few Euros and I loved to feel myself inside him and him inside me but then that all changed because the Nazis invaded and they sent me to a camp run by ghosts.

>> No.4322287

>>4322231
Dude you're taking this so seriously, I love it.

>> No.4322306

>>4322287
I am
now go think about it
I'm sleepy and I want my chapter tomorrow

>> No.4322311

>>4322267
Shit I'd read that.

>> No.4322331

I LOVE FUCKING WAFFLES!

>> No.4322354

Chester was a jester and molester from Leicester who loved to pester Sylvester everyday from Manchester to Rochester.

Sylvester was an investor and professor at Worcester for a semester who hated molesters, Chester and polyester.

>> No.4322367

"CHARLEEN I BIT MY DICK OFF, FUCK", the man screamed as he yelled and shouted but then SHARLEEEN came in and said that maybe he should "make a bigger deal out of it" or maybe she didn't WE WILL NEVER KNOW.

>> No.4322409

>So I was sitting in the club chillin' right. And Jesus suddenly comes up to me and is all like "What's up Yeezus?!" and I said "Shit I'm chillin', tryna stack these millions." and he said "Oh shit, that's really cool but perhaps there are ninja fights we should catch up on, old chap." I said "Yeah, whatever." and hung up my cellphone and went over to my girlfriend's house. But, as I entered the place, I found nothing. Nothing in sight of the house.

>I went into the kitchen and found her, dead. She had forced a machete into her windpipe, and the results were sprayed across her face, onto the floor. I could feel the vomit rising, and my throat clogged up. Tears started to leak from my face as I vomited the orange 7-11 COKE BIG GULP SLURPEE (TM) that I had just drank prior, all over the floor and onto her damp, pale corpse. I took my cellphone and dialed my mom, but my mom got scared And said, “You’re movin’ with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air.” I whistled for a cab and when it came near The license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror If anything I could say that this cab was rare But I thought, “Nah, forget it. Yo home to Bel-Air!” I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8 And I yelled to the cabby yo holmes smell ya later Looked at my kingdom I was finally there To sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-Air.

Fucking masterpiece.

>> No.4322418

>>4322267
Poland does not use the Euro, neither before nor after WW2.

>> No.4322425

>>4322354
Worcester doesn't rhyme with any of the other words, yo. Or was that deliberate?

>> No.4322441

>>4322425
Worcester is said exactly the same way as Rochester and Manchester mind.
But yeah none of it really fits into a real rhyme scheme if I'm honest.

>> No.4322448

>>4322354
>Worcester
>wuster

>> No.4322454

>>4322441
Not it's not, it's more "worster", no "ester" involved

>> No.4322463

>>4322454
My novel is about the misinterpretation of language and signals.

I just realised what a massive cunt I am and I'm trying to save face.

>> No.4322768

>>4321657
The time-tested beginning of many a classic Futanari doujin.

>> No.4322780
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4322780

>>4320590
Infinite Jest isn't even hard, why wouldn't you just read it?

>> No.4322830

>>4322768
>mfw now I want to turn it into a legit story, considering all the possible ramifications and consequences
>mfw i have no face

>> No.4322914

I guess I first suspected something was wrong when ants began crawling from my urethra.

>> No.4322936

Believing digestive health to be the ultimate marker of physical fitness, he tracked and measured his bowel movements in small pocket notebooks that spanned a decade.

>> No.4323041

"If I had a dick, I'd just play with that thing all day long," mused Rebecca as she stared up at the clouds.

>> No.4323054

Guys, all of your posts are different takes on The Crow Road's opening.

>Before I could react I was thrown into a car's trunk. But they'd never suspect that as the successor of the Zij'zd_Oap'r clan, I can make them explode by only releasing my power. Now I wait.

>> No.4323478

There's a thin line between modern art and pure stupidity; I traverse it with the ease of any man caught late at the bar, complete with a variety of novel epithets and a plethora of bodily fluids.

>> No.4323493

The dark room was pitch-black and gave off a murky feeling to it, which thus meant that John was utterly completely terrified about being there.

>> No.4323523

I'm a feminist, and I'm proud.

>> No.4323552
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4323552

I pulled me dick back in and told her "i'm your son, how does it feel how does your kids dick feel" all the while I sort of just flopped my balls around like worm-sacs

>> No.4323560

Who is John Galt?

>> No.4323583
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4323583

>>4320673
> Keith smiled, removed the gun from his mouth, and thought aloud, "Maybe tomorrow.

*died*

>> No.4323596

I am John Galt.

>> No.4323610
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4323610

For sale: baby shoes, adult size.

>> No.4323614

"PHWOAR!" I thought to myself as I eyed up Genevieve's tight poon. "That's a tight fucking poon!" I shouted out loud.

>> No.4323707

>>4322418
I know.

>> No.4323732

>>4322267
I would definitely read a YA novel about a bunch of teenagers in a paranormal concentration camp. I imagine it like an immensely depressing Harry Potter.

>> No.4323857

>>4323552
This wins the 'least enticing' prize.

>> No.4323869

"No, you," he said, disturbingly calmly, and thus a meme was born.

>> No.4323878

"My toe eetches," said J.J. in his thick southern drawl.

>> No.4323970

>>4320687

I lol'd

>> No.4323971

As Shinji Ikari finished masturbating onto the comatose girl, he looked at the jets of semen on his hand and said "Life is good".

>> No.4323973

If you read this you will be visited by the ghost of the misty marsh, the only way to ward it off is to repost this message to five friends profiles.

>> No.4323991

"It is not big to make others feel small"

>> No.4324015

>>4321343
Wow, what a great point. You sure told me. And the autists at /mlp/ shouldn't be confined to one board - they should be allowed to post about their autistic obsession on every board and force it down everyone's throat.

No one is necessarily hating on anime. We are hating on the idiots who incessantly post about anime and who post anime pictures and reaction images on boards that have absolutely nothing to do with that shit. It's especially annoying since that moe and slice of life shit became the latest and greatest phenomenon. I don't want to see drawings of your wide eyed bitches as they act in cringeworthy ways that no human being would actually act like in real life.

I like some anime and I grew up watching quite a bit of it thanks to shit like Toonami. However, I just appreciated the shows for what they were. I didn't whip my dick out and start jacking off to every cartoon that was made in Japan solely BECAUSE it was made in Japan.

>> No.4324214

I guess people are dumber than they used to be

>> No.4324221

"No."

>> No.4324226

>>4324221

whispered Rorchach, as he looked down on the city that begged him to save them.

>> No.4324232

>>4324226

I think it should be "No." and then Chapter 2.

That or "No." should be a prologue

>> No.4324241

>>4324015
>go to a car forum
>got to board about books
>get pissed off when people talk about/post picture of cars.

>> No.4324298

Rain came showering down upon the narrow stone alleys, Serenity Street engulfed in a mist of petrichor.

>> No.4324316

The story I'm about to write owes everything to the work of Max Stirner and Ayn Rand

>> No.4324327
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4324327

>I'm a philosopher, always have been.

>> No.4324332

>>4323610
Lol'd

>> No.4324333

>>4323041
ehhehe

>> No.4324425

His smart touch made her aroused and her nipples started pointing in different directions.

>> No.4324429 [SPOILER] 
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4324429

>>4324015

>> No.4324432

>>4324327
wrestling gifs give me headaches

>> No.4324456

>>4324241
That's pretty reasonable unless they are talking about books that have to do with cars. Why the fuck would you go to the book board to discuss cars when you have the rest of the fucking website to post about them? Sounds like you're just retarded.

>> No.4324512

>>4323610

>Anon drops Microphone and walks away.

Thread/

This post won by a long shot.

>> No.4324544

"The alarm flickered at an alarming rate!" she said alarmingly.

>> No.4324584

>>4323041

[this is what women actually consider humor]

>> No.4324614

As I squatted over the ceramic bowl, releasing the 1.7 pounds of shit hitherto ensconced in my colon, I wheezed to my Chinese manservant, Pei Ping, who held the bowl beneath me, telling him to prepare my golden vestments for the Sumptuous Feast of the Turgid Hog, or what you Americans refer to as "Flag Day."

>> No.4324638

>>4324584
[this is what men think women think is funny]

>> No.4324642

No one can stop from spitting on dogs. No, not even you, mother.

>> No.4324678

>>4324425
I lol'd IRL.

>> No.4324698

>>4324642
>Jean Tarrou writes a fanfiction about the old man who spat at cats

>> No.4324730

"Shit." Jeff said, as Mark died.

>> No.4324788

>>4324614
Would read

>> No.4324802

"Bitte!" screamed the Nazi commandant, a moment before my wakizashi ended his life.

>> No.4324830

My katana (made of steel folded over 1000 times) was slowly being unsheathed by my right hand, soon it was to begin on the path of an uppercut, an uppercut aimed at the heart of a filthy gaijin* who had dared to insult my sensai** Sasuke.

*Translator's note: Gaijin means foreigner
**Translator's note: Sensai means master

>> No.4324855

>>4321343
You're a fucking idiot and I hope you die.

Weeaboos are fucking ruining /lit/.

>> No.4324898

>>4320769
Wow, I've never read prose so inadvertently terrible as to make me lol irl.

>> No.4324903

>>4320534
10/10 would read

>> No.4324947
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>>4321328

>> No.4324956
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4324956

>>4324947

>> No.4325034

>>4322057
10/10

>> No.4325137

>>4324015
Hey, it was just my idea for a bad opening line. No need to get defensive/spout strawman fallacies, big guy.

>>4324855
I thought we were blaming the new janny.

>> No.4325178

>>4325137
"Janny?" Go back to /jp/, subhuman.

>> No.4325306
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4325306

>>4324456

The board requires me to post an image with a new thread. Since the thread's content doesn't require images, the choice of an image for the OP is completely arbitrary. It could have been anything. It just happened to be an anime bitch.

This image is also arbitrary, but I'm posting it to make you upset.

>> No.4325319
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4325319

"As I awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, I found myself transformed in my bed into a little girl"

>> No.4325333
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4325333

>>4324855

>> No.4325356

>>4325178
>this guy thinks there aren't jannies on /lit/.

>> No.4325493

>>4321231
>mother
what a shitty translation
maman is where it's at motherfuckers

>> No.4325502

>>4320530
>a screaming comes across the sky
like wtf pynchon

>> No.4325520

>>4325493

>maman

I bet you're one of those fags who complain about not retaining honorifics like "-sama" from the Japanese

>> No.4325569
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4325569

>>4320661
>mfw i searched for 'stately' to see if someone had done the standard gag of posting the first line to Ulysses and read this

>> No.4325586

>>4325493

Mah man died today. Shit is whack.

>> No.4325592

Anyone can see what's bad in a story, but very few can point to what's good.

>> No.4325595

>>4325586

A text came from da homeboys: "ur mom ded. hang in there dawg." That don't mean nuthin. It coulda been yesterday.

>> No.4325622

Been going to bed early for quite a while already.

>> No.4325658

"From now on, I am going to be really pretentious and long-winded."

>> No.4325686

>>4325658

Wouldn't read, but would greatly appreciate the warning.

>> No.4325695

This story takes place three hundred and sixty thousand, no, fourteen thousand years ago.

>> No.4325717

The view from my window is quite pleasant, I often stand and stare out on the street for hours; it is a good place stand and wavy to the neighbors, while I silently fill the living room with farts.

>> No.4325728

The room smelled of perfume, but it was about to smell of zombie guts

>> No.4325747

"The history of all hitherto existing society is the history of class struggles."

>> No.4326370

>>4320602
I'd read it, then write an insightful essay on the parallels between the books opening and mario, and overcoming self-imposed isolation.

>> No.4326374

>>4325728
Go home Mark Tufo, you're drunk

>> No.4328092

I'd never given much thought to how I would die — though I'd had reason enough in the last few months
— but even if I had, I would not have imagined it like this.

>> No.4328239

>>4325686

Rather than warning, I'd call it a promise.

>> No.4328255

Swimming two miles through a Mediterranean tempest is never easy, Candace reflected. This would have been true even if she had not been half drunk, naked and chained to the still-warm corpse of the luckless Ichabod

>> No.4328257

The bird let out a slow chicken cackle. It sounded like a chicken, but in her heart she knew it wasn't. In that instant, she completely understood the concept of a chicken that was not a chicken. This looked like a chicken, like most of the Mud People's chickens. But this was no chicken.

This was evil manifest.

>> No.4328262

I have no memory of who I am or the details of my past. All I'm left with is my desire, desire to recall what I've forgotten and understand why this has happened. Well, I'd better get to work.

>> No.4328267

I haven't read a book this year.

>> No.4328382

>>4320572
this tickled my fancy

>> No.4328395

>>4328262
>implying there's anything wrong with Amnesia storylines

>> No.4328462

After being told he was perpetuating rape culture in class, Micheal realized he was a feminist.