/lit/ - Literature

[Anonymous No.4310572]

I realized while writing this that it's a total "euphoria" poem, but I tried to make it more humble and inspired than some simpleton anti-God self-aggrandizement masturbation poem.

So I just wanted to hear what you all got from this poem. Did it read smoothly? Did you feel any feels from it?

Also, if this isn't the proper board to post this material then I am sorry for the mistake in advance.

Earthbound and Boundless:

The earthbound man who lit his fire
stood in awe at the moon
What connects his eye to't, like wire
Was surely importuned

Within the mind such visions vast
discerned without a source
We image present, future, past
conceiving how we're forced

To fall to Earth, and yet the brain
Can picture anything
with shape, conception has no chains
this is understanding.

No abstract thought or shapeless theme
can e'er evoke the Muse
She lives within your wordless dreams
Wishing you would light her fuse.

So call her now, gaze at the moon
or timeless works of art
Realize life's potential and swoon
when she plays her golden harp.

[Anonymous No.4310580]

>Did it read smoothly?
It's hard to fuck up a simple ABAB rhyme scheme but you managed in the first verse. Not only does "moon" not rhyme with "importuned" but "importuned" doesn't make a lot of sense in that context. It needs to be importuned *with* something.
The rest of it is no better and sometimes worse.

Chalk it up to learning, move on and never show it to anyone else again. Read some books on the theory of poetry writing. The Ode Less Travelled comes well recommended.

[Anonymous No.4310596]

>>4310580
Importune is a verb. "to importune". The question of "what connects him to the moon?" was importuned. Does that make sense? I could not write "the question" but starting the line with "what" implied that, I think.

And doesn't the "oon" and "une" sound rhyme? Why is it wrong to add a "d"? It's an imperfect rhyme, I agree, but it still has a rhyme to it.

I appreciate you reading it and giving me your opinion but I want a more thoughtful and less smug critique that actually makes sense.

[Anonymous No.4310611]

>>4310572
I feel like I'm getting deja vu from this. Is this a copypasta, or does all shit poetry just sound kind of similar?

[Anonymous No.4310612]

>>4310596
Here's my critique.
You're a little bitch and I hope you wither in the food service industry.

Good luck with your poems, fuckface.

[Anonymous No.4310624]

>>4310612
>>4310611
Geez guys, alright you don't like my poem, we can let this thread die.

I honestly haven't done any study in poetry, I just like to write in my free time. I think I will actually pick up and read a book or two before I write anything else.

[Anonymous No.4310660]

>>4310596
I think that's a bit of a stretch, but it's not a word I'm very familiar with so I'll concede it to you.

I'm sorry if my critique came across as smug but bear in mind I don't owe you any critique at all. I could have responded the same way as >>4310612 or not at all.

You're aware of the adage that starts "Feed a man a fish"? I'm trying to give you some real, useful advice you can reuse rather than just dissecting every little thing that I see as wrong with the poem. You demonstrated awareness that the poem had some problems in the OP, and that's a good start. Read some poems by other people, amateurs as well as professionals, I mean really read them, try and establish what is good or bad about them. Then challenge yourself to write something more complex than you have done here.

As I said before, probably best not to show the one in this thread to other people but don't be ashamed in yourself of having written it. You're new to it, and learning. I think there's an itch to write stuff we know is bad on some level when we're starting out. Once you've scratched it you can improve and aim higher.