/lit/ - Literature

[Anonymous No.427126]

Okay e/lit/ists, let's have a post your writing and get reviewed. Try not to be dicks about it. Give constructive criticism.

Mediafire larger pieces and post short ones in this thread.
Poetry is also welcomed. I personally have no knowledge of poetry and will not be able to give much constructive reviewing but I will try.

Post away.

[Anonymous No.427139]

>Implying I'll post my works for you shlubs to steal it.

[Anonymous No.427142]

Jobe walked slowly along the ledge, never daring to glance downward for fear of the monstrosity that was slowly manoeuvring up the surface of the cliff toward him. Without warning, a UFO appeared and the party commenced.

[Anonymous No.427145]

>>427139
>Implying anyone will want to steal your work

Lolno. No one on /lit/ will probably get published in the near future.

What is /lit/ without writing threads?

[Anonymous No.427146]

sorry to the bloke who wrote the original story, never got around to correcting it

[Anonymous No.427148]

WHEN YOU'RE LYING AWAKE WITH A DISMAL HEADACHE AND REPOSE IS TABOO'D BY ANXIETY I CONCEIVE YOU MAY USE ANY LANGUAGE YOU CHOOSE TO INDULGE IN WITHOUT IMPROPRIETY FOR YOUR BED IS ON FIRE THE BED-CLOTHES CONSPIRE OF USUAL SLUMBER TO PLUNDER YOU FIRST YOUR COUNTER-PANE GOES AND UNCOVERS YOUR TOES AND YOUR SHEET SLIPS DEMURELY FROM UNDER YOU THEN THE BLANKETING TICKLES YOU FEEL LIKE MIXED PICKLES SO TERRIBLY SHARP IS THE PRICKING AND YOU'RE HOT AND YOU'RE CROSS AND YOU TUMBLE AND TOSS 'TILL THERE'S NOTHING 'TWIXT YOU AND THE TICKING THEN THE BED-CLOTHES ALL CREEP TO THE GROUND IN A HEAP AND YOU PICK 'EM ALL UP IN A TANGLE NEXT YOUR PILLOW RESIGNS AND POLITELY DECLINES TO REMAIN AT ITS USUAL ANGLE WELL YOU GET SOME REPOSE IN THE FORM OF A DOSE WITH HOT EYE-BALLS AND HEAD EVER ACHING BUT YOUR SLUMBERING TEEMS WITH SUCH HORRIBLE DREAMS THAT YOU VERY MUCH BETTER BE WAKING FOR YOU DREAM YOU ARE CROSSING THE CHANNEL AND TOSSING ABOUT IN A STEAMER FROM HARWICH WHICH IS SOMETHING BETWEEN A LARGE BATHING MACHINE AND A VERY SMALL SECOND CLASS CARRIAGE AND YOU'RE GIVING A TREAT (PENNY ICE AND COLD MEAT) TO A PARTY OF FRIENDS AND RELATIONS THEY'RE A RAVENOUS HORDE AND THEY ALL COME ON BOARD AT SLOANE SQUARE AND SOUTH KENSINGTON STATIONS AND BOUND ON THAT JOURNEY YOU FIND YOUR ATTORNEY (WHO STARTED THIS MORNING FROM DEVON) HE'S A BIT UNDERSIZ'D AND YOU DON'T FEEL SURPRIS'D WHEN HE TELLS YOU HE'S ONLY ELEVEN WELL YOU'RE DRIVING LIKE MAD WITH THIS SINGULAR LAD (BY THE BYE THE SHIP'S NOW A FOUR WHEELER) AND YOU'RE PLAYING ROUND GAMES AND HE CALLS YOU BAD NAMES WHEN YOU TELL HIM THAT "TIES PAY THE DEALER" BUT THIS YOU CAN'T STAND SO YOU THROW UP YOUR HAND AND YOU FIND YOU'RE AS COLD AS AN ICICLE IN YOUR SHIRT AND YOUR SOCKS (THE BLACK SILK WITH GOLD CLOCKS) CROSSING SAL'SBURY PLAIN ON A BICYCLE AND HE AND THE CREW ARE ON BICYCLES TOO WHICH THEY'VE SOMEHOW OR OTHER INVESTED IN AND HE'S TELLING THE TARS ALL THE PARTICULARS OF A COMPANY HE'S INTERESTED IN.

[Anonymous No.427158]

Currently writing a fap fiction, wouldn't want to post it.

[Anonymous No.427165]

>>427146
Won't lie, I bawwed. ;_;
What a masterpiece.

>>427142
Do not need comma after warning.


-
Srs writing bros, with paragraphs and all that.

[Anonymous No.427167]

http://www.mediafire.com/?qnzmmnikqky

Sup

[Anonymous No.427168]

>>427165
>Do not need comma after warning.
what? yes i do!

[Anonymous No.427182]

>>427168
Lol I had to take some strict grammar course and learned to hate overuse of commas. I used to overuse them quite a lot.

Using a comma there does not seem natural. Try reading it out loud.

[Old Gregg No.427204]

O Form! O Muse! The inescapable
Intractable
Desire of our hearts.

To know! Everything at once and nothing at all
To know that we are small
Yet that we are big enough to change that which the gods themselves
Cannot

O Form! O Muse! An arm extended
Not in friendship
Not in praise
Not in compassion

But, with a gaze that captures my heart,
In subtleq command

To see! That which no man,
No angel,
No demon, can
And yet to be completely blinded by our own piteous desires

O Form! O Muse! That we may be
Forever as children
Concerned with nothing but the immediate
For ever as we grow older
Does the caul grow thicker over our eyes

To taste! O to taste the thick and heady scent
Of the sweat of our brows
To know that we have never deserved anything
More than that which we have ever striven toward

O Form! O Muse! You know me
As no-one knows me
You know that no truer words than these
Have ever been
Will ever be
Cannot be
Spoken by me

O Devil within me,
The dichotomy of being,
I need not your guidance, and I banish you
With the pounding of my fists, the timbre of my raised voice,
The rattle of my tambourine, and the love of my friends

And so, O Form, O Muse,
I leave you
For neither do I need you to govern the beauties and simplicities
Of my life

For to know you, is to revel in the fact that you are superfluous
That in fact, I need no guiding light
I know my name
And my name is
Man.

also, all yall muthalickas read this in Old Gregg's voice

[Anonymous No.427229]

>>427167
Reading then will add review in the file. Then upload.

>They had gradually progressed, one-upping each other and scaling towards the endpoint like hikers zigzagging up a mountain path.

I really like this part.

[Anonymous No.427230]

mistress breasts are dun

[Anonymous No.427283]

I wrote this last night between sleeping pills and falling asleep, woke up to find it in my documents folder. It's Untitled, I guess, and kind of shitty, but I like it.

~

It’s a clawing in the back of your throat, somewhere between your vertebrae and larynx.
It’s pressure behind your ears, the vice grip that cuts off speech and sound.
It’s feeling your pia mater turn to acid and trickle into your corpus collosum, searing everything.
It’s like teeth gnashing, magazines in a garbage can, like pronouncing German.

The sound that can’t escape the iron grip of your open mouth.
An egg made of tissue paper that you could reach out and touch if only you could move.
When your chest is so empty even a violin and piano can’t fill it.
Your face cracks in two, a desperate hand clings, grasps from ear to ear .

Someone turns the corner.

[Anonymous No.427321]

bump

[Anonymous No.427330]

>>427167
This might take awhile. Could I have an email to send the link to?

[Anonymous No.427346]

>>427330

[e-mail]

[Anonymous No.427365]

>>427167

first sentence: you have his reaction coming before the event that he reacted to. more effective: The bundle of rags against the building moved, and David's heart jumped.

[tusense !ozOtJW9BFA No.427375]

>>427167
Do you plan on continuing this story? It's really good. I love this line so much: "David felt both exposed and claustrophobic in his twice-worn suit, as though he had not dressed but laminated himself."

There were a few typos, but they look like honest mistakes and not some sort of intentional stupidity. It did feel incomplete though. I hope you have bigger plans for this.

One thing about the point of view changes: I kind of wish you had just stuck with David's point of view. You jump over to the girl's point of view so infrequently and so briefly that it feels unnecessary and a little cheap. Either stick to just David, or try to make the amount of time spent in each head roughly equal.

[Anonymous No.427379]

>>427167

second sentence: prickly? like a cactus? no. more effective to use prickle as a verb, like so: His mouth went dry and sweat prickled across his scalp. also, sweat doesn't ripple. i understand what you're trying to say with "ripple," but using sweat as a subject is grammatically strange.

[Anonymous No.427394]

>>427167

fourth sentence: is this sentence necessary? unless it somehow explains a future action, it can be cut.

actually, reading the next few paragraphs, i became very confused. i didn't understand until reading it several times that he was getting into his car and going somewhere, and that the man against the wall has no actual impact on the plot/events/action. unless this opening image is somehow important to establishing a theme, or is revisited later in the story, i would cut it. it's really very misleading.

[Anonymous No.427414]

>>427126
Ah, it's nice to we've got another editor on-call. You mind If I send you one via e-mail? I've got no time for 4chan today.

[Anonymous No.427417]

>>427375

I had her their as a sort of counterpoint and also to undercut the sort of objectifying that David's POV does. I wouldn't want her to become equal though, as he's the main focus, but I'll definitely try to expand her.

I'm not really sure about where to go with it after--I'd written it with the climax in mind and then found I had nothing else.

>>427394

It directly refers to the climax of the story.

>>427365

I want his reaction to be the primary thing, the cause is supposed to be somewhat of a letdown, that he gets panicky over something so minor.

[Anonymous No.427425]

>>427414
Not really an editor. But I'll try to give help as best as I can. I'm not the greatest of writer either, I make mistakes like everyone.

Upload your writing to mediafire and post it here so others can all review it. If you post an email we can send the reviews to you. :)

[Anonymous No.427427]

>>427417
>I want his reaction to be the primary thing, the cause is supposed to be somewhat of a letdown, that he gets panicky over something so minor.

really? i didn't get that AT ALL.

[Anonymous No.427435]

>>427425
heh, I would but It's unfinished. Prehaps in the future, then.

[Anonymous No.427445]

>>427417

also, putting his reaction at the beginning of the sentence isn't the only way to put emphasis on it. what you did - reversing action and reaction chronologically - is a big no-no. you definitely should rework the sentence to put emphasis on what you want without abandoning the concept of cause-precedes-effect.

[Anonymous No.427448]

People seemed to like this last time so I will post it
It's only about 6 paragraphs so far (It takes me forever to write even one. I go through and revise tons of times.)
1/2
Constantinople’s market place bustled with activity. Sounds of peasants advertising their wares, children playing, and the constant ting of a blacksmith’s hammer hummed throughout the cobblestone streets. Ida surveyed the many stalls. The tantalizing aroma of freshly baked breads and spiced meats teased her nostrils, causing her already empty stomach feel even emptier. How she wished to spend her measly sum of shillings on a roll, or even a bite of the foul tasting barley bread. Anything to stop the hunger pangs. Unfortunately her money was destined for far more “important” things, or so Seb had said.

A young boy, no older than nine or ten greeted Ida.“Hail to ye lady. Would you like to purchase one of our finely baked rolls? Perhaps a biscuit?”

Ida raised her hand politely declining.”Sorry son, I have not the shillings to spare. Perhaps another time.” Her mouth curved into a smile as she looked him over, noting his husky build. He had the build of a bakers son. He would fetch a fair price from Sir. Thom, but It would be a challenge to lure him away from that hawk of a father. Then again most of the parents were being watchful of there children lately. Many of the city’s young had been disappearing at an alarmingly high rate, about one per week. (Any ideas on how to reword this? I don't really like it)

[Anonymous No.427450]

>>427448
2/2

Ida bid the boy adieu and continued on her way to the apothecary. She came upon and small hovel. A beaded door, hung from a break in the soft baked brick walls, it played in the wind making small tinkling sound. Ida pushed past the shimmering beads and entered. A short woman with hair as red as flames stirred a small pot that sat atop an open fire. She looked up and grinned, “Hello Ida, it’s nice to see you again. More sleeping troubles?”

Ida walked over and examined the pots contents, taking a deep sniff. “Yes, I’m all out of poppy seed balm. This smells wonderful, what is it?”

[Anonymous No.427458]

>>427435
It doesn't have to be finished. Excerpts are fine

[Anonymous No.427484]

I DEMAND MOAR

>>427148
CRACKHEAD CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL.

[Anonymous No.427493]

>>427283
Really enjoyed this. Trippy.

[Anonymous No.427506]

>>427448

this sentence:
>Sounds of peasants advertising their wares, children playing, and the constant ting of a blacksmith’s hammer hummed throughout the cobblestone streets.

is fucked up. read it again.
Sounds of peasants advertising their wares, (sounds of) children playing, and (sounds of) the constant ting of a blacksmith's hammer hummed throughout the cobblestone streets.

also, "throughout" is strange and probably wrong here. use "through" instead.

[Anonymous No.427509]

[e-mail]
:o

[Anonymous No.427513]

>>427506

Three sounds are described, hence "sounds of".

[Anonymous No.427515]

There are people here who would be happy to edit works if you submit them.
[e-mail]

[Anonymous No.427514]

>>427506
>Sounds of peasants advertising their wares, (sounds of) children playing, and (sounds of) the

I thought saying sounds of once was enough and it implied that all the listed things are "sounds of" ?

[Anonymous No.427518]

>>427515
Is there a website? And is this just spam and you steal our works? :3

[Lind No.427520]

>>427514
It does, you're right.
I think what he is saying that it sounds nice when you write it that way, and I agree.
It's not necessary, but does read well.

[Anonymous No.427524]

>>427515

This.

Also,

http://zinewritersguild.wikia.com/wiki//lit/%27s_Zine_Writers_Guild_Wiki

[Anonymous No.427525]

>>427513

so you're telling me that "the sound of the constant ting of the hammer" is correct and ideal? "ting" is a sound, and describing it as a sound is repetitive and drags the sentence down.

[Anonymous No.427533]

>>427518

You haven't been around for long, have you?

They just released the first issue last week. Currently the second is planned for March 30. The last I heard, they're already working on the fourth issue.

[Anonymous No.427534]

>>427518

See
>>>427398

[Anonymous No.427540]

>>427535

and i put it in front of all the things being listed to show how describing a ting as a sound is repetitive and incorrect.

[Anonymous No.427539]

>>427518
zwg.wildwestwaffles.com
wiki is
http://zinewritersguild.wikia.com/wiki//lit/%27s_Zine_Writers_Guild_Wiki
We won't put your works in the zine unless you ask us to. Naturally, there would be outcry if we did so, and that's the last thing we need...
Just tell us you're asking for line editing and don't want it put in when you send it.
If it's really good, we might beg you though :3

[Anonymous No.427535]

>>427514
>>427520

no, i'm saying that "sounds of" is implied as a modifier/descriptor on all three things in the list. it would be a terrible sentence if you stuck it in front of all the things you're listing.

also, not a he.

[Anonymous No.427536]

>>427525
Wouldn't adding another sounds of do the same?

[Anonymous No.427544]

>>427533
I used to be on here a lot, but then stopped coming.
Interesting thing I will be taking advantage of this editors! :D

[Anonymous No.427554]

>>427536

yes. but that's not what my parentheses were saying.

[lind No.427557]

>>427535
If you're writing a slower, very descriptive piece, then writing 'sounds of' would sound fine, and it is certainly not technically wrong to write it that way.
If you're writing a faster paced piece and you want it to read faster, it would probably be better to just write 'sounds of' once.

[Anonymous No.427559]

>>427525

Yes, it's redundant, but that's not what you were taking issue with.

[Anonymous No.427560]

>>427540

I think ting adds something of interest to the description.

[Anonymous No.427562]

>>427493
I'm glad you liked it. I was sad that no one seemed to have noticed it, haha.

[Anonymous No.427566]

>>427554
>>427557

[Anonymous No.427575]

>>427566
>lol shut

[Anonymous No.427579]

>>427562
They were probably reading the large piece.

You should experiment with more intoxicating substances and see what you can come up with.
I wouldn't mind getting high and reading them.

[Anonymous No.427598]

Bump for more OC

[Anonymous No.427607]

>>427579
Ahaha, I think I'll just stick to my meds. Maybe I'll dig up my old journal and type up my poem that I wrote one morning when I thought my eyes were made of glass.

[Anonymous No.427609]

>>427204

don't understand this at all, but like it.

[Anonymous No.427613]

This thread is sorely lacking in pretentiousness. But I can help with that:

http://www.mediafire.com/?dnyyohhm2rd

[Anonymous No.427617]

>>427607
Please do :)

[Anonymous No.427647]

>>427613
>A percussion down the stairs and a flash of crooked, white teeth.

wat

[Anonymous No.427695]

>>427647

Someone runs down the stairs (a percussion) and appears in the room, smiling (teeth)

[Anonymous No.427699]

>>427598
>>427598

[Anonymous No.427709]

>>427695

Kind of confusing there. Rewording would help.

[Anonymous No.427720]

here ins a pome

oh god a lion
ate my breakfast
what a terrible idea to

have a lion for a pet
especially one with a fondness
for human food

i will never return to harrods

[Anonymous No.427721]

>>427709

Yeah, I have that problem too often when I try different stylistic things. Of course I always know what I mean, but that doesn't carry over to other people. Fixan. Thx brah.

[Anonymous No.427736]

>>427721
I know what you mean. If the writing is just for personal enjoyment and just for you to understand it's good. I write lots of things that would make no sense to anyone except me lol.

[Anonymous No.427742]

>>427720
10/10<3

[Anonymous No.427754]

>>427126
Just a old poem, nothing srs.
Your subtle face-
Is hard to re-create
When buried behind the hilltops
Until your rise awakes.
And,
Miles above the mellows,
The prairie where we'll lay,
Is a lake with your reflection
That I stare vacantly all day.
Before the sunset simmers,
Slowly taking you away.
You dangle indecisively,
Like the tangerines in May.
Except i can't delay
Who might peel you today
Or these broken eyes
Would eventually decay.

[Anonymous No.427765]

>>427754
>>427754
Great feel. It's pretty smooth and flowing.
The only part I don't love is
>Except i can't delay
Who might peel you today

[Anonymous No.427772]

Part of a short story first draft, so any mechanical stuff is welcome:

Wrench watched the upper-caste doing these strange things to the lower-caste. She could not understand the idea of pain, abuse, or evil, but knew something was wrong. As though a dormant part of her brain was turned on, she came to awareness. She moved towards Hargen as he crouched over Broom, Hargen staring angrily at his handy-work.

He realized he’d gone overboard this time. These things were easy enough to get rid of, he could just call for the incineration of a defective unit, but the broken arm and bruising would raise questions. It was all because of that damn mechanical-caste. He wiped as his brow with his forearm and began to rise. He crumpled to the floor after a sharp crack on the top of his head.

Wrench brought the section of pipe down on Hargen’s head. He screamed in agony and writhed on the floor. Two more hits and Hargen was dead, bits of skull trapped under his skin.

Wrench dropped the pipe. The clanging was the only sound that filled the corridor. She didn’t know what she had done, only that what she had done had solved a problem, and as part of the engineering-caste, that was important.

She moved to Broom’s crumpled body. A thick red liquid pooled about Broom’s head, and traveled along the small canyons between the tiles on the floor. Wrench stood over Broom for a moment. If she could feel anything, it was sadness, understanding that Broom was dead, and she would be too shortly, but she could feel nothing. Wrench brought herself down, and sat in silence near Broom’s broken body.

[Anonymous No.427776]

"So, what you're saying basically, is that as long as we steal from rich people or drug addicts, it's okay?"

'Yeah, man. I mean, if you're rich, you can spare the occasional wallet and if you're a druggie, you're a waste, which means you don't deserve to have anything more than a bullet to the back of the head.'

Both the boys paused as the last speaker leaned down to pick something up off the ground. It was grey out, as per usual for the city of New London, and they were the only ones walking the streets. Not that this was odd either, considering the time of year. Plague season, it was called. Wasn't always physical, sometimes it just messed with the infected's head. The latter case, the mental illness, was the one currently going around. People were scared to go outside, believing that they would be snatched up by giant winged beasts sent from the very depths of the Catacombs. It didn't help that this used to be a very real danger, back when things were still being settled.

The reason the boys were wandering around the city was not because they were not ailed by what affected everyone else, but because they wanted to kill the monster, or tame it.

[Anonymous No.427785]

It's unfinished but it's the best thing I have written, for better or worse. I don't like the last few paragraphs, so whenever I finally finish/continue this it will almost surely change.

Yeah, I stole the idea from that song, it is my favorite Jeff Mangum song. Sorry.

[tusense !ozOtJW9BFA No.427922]

>>427772
>>427776
Ok, confusing. You say this is the beginning. You need to provide WAY more information for anyone to be willing to go any farther into reading this. It's fine to start with something weird and unsettling, but I expected to get more about the murdering robot before you moved on. You really leave the reader hanging by switching so quickly to the two kids in the street.

Mechanically, I think you need to choose a tone and settle on it. You seem to jump between a very casual tone and a more standard, detached narrator's voice at random throughout this.

[tusense !ozOtJW9BFA No.427934]

>>427772
The names irk me. Need more detail, about everything. I know you said this is just the start of a story, so I assume that detail is on the way. There's not much more I can say at this point.

[tusense !ozOtJW9BFA No.427947]

>>427776
Last sentence really bothers me.
> The reason the boys were wandering around the city was not because they were not ailed by what affected everyone else, but because they wanted to kill the monster, or tame it.
Especially the beginning. It just doesn't seem to fit in with the rest of it, in tone and style. But it's an interesting start. Curious to see where it goes.

[Anonymous No.427955]

>>427772>>427776
ARGFGFG

There are way too many grammatical errors. My hand is shaking. FUCK.

[Anonymous No.427962]

>>427955
>There are way too many grammatical errors.

I clutched my mouse until it creaked in protest.

Strunk & White, motherfuckers. DO YOU USE IT?

[Anonymous No.427966]

Statuettes of kawaii frozen,
Petite girls speak uguu lies,
Entrance with empty smiles,
and empty eyes,
Oh they
of plastic skin and plastic bone,
taunting me, telling me,
"You will always be
alone"

[Anonymous No.427972]

>>427966

>>>424580

[Anonymous No.427975]

>>427972
SILLY ANON, I CLEARLY DON'T HAVE ANIME STATUETTES BY MY COMPUTER.

I keep them in my closet. :3

[Anonymous No.427984]

Alright, I'll play.

---

They had nothing to say to each other so they talked about the weather while waiting for the moment to pass. It rolled over them like oily yellow sap dripping down a tree, snatching up everything in its path. It took all their words about their days, bills and jobs. It filled the empty spaces between the hollow talk with quiet and stillness, filled it to bursting. And by the time it had gone there was nothing left but silence.

So they stared out the window at the weather and didn't say anything at all.

[Anonymous No.427997]

>>427955
Don't forget this one: >>427785
I didn't even get through the whole thing. So many fragments. Ease up on the semi-colon usage man. Should be used sparingly, if at all.

[Anonymous No.428586]

>>427617
>>427283 here again.

I found my other poem. I didn't remember it being so weird, I think a lot of my thought process doesn't quite come across. It's called "Tectonic"

Tectonic-
There is no life in these wastes and crags of brown
No fish swimming in this sea of ice without blue shadow
Stretching to the rivers of blood that pour
Between the cracks of glaciers.
And that black abyss gaping and closing
Without regard for the twisted, wretched landscape.

[Anonymous No.429721]

>>427997
fuck.

[Anonymous No.431071]

>>429721
How is that even a response to that?

[Anonymous No.431281]

Here's a poem
[e-mail]
if you want to follow-up

Time dances and wanders, melting seconds into hours.
Train tracks snake carelessly through the young, pregnant night.
The stainless subway, a pristine silver, rumbles
Through the tunneled veins of New York’s heart.
Trembling hands stroke, then clasp nervously, clinging
To the lukewarm comfort of a jungle companion.
Somewhere between thought and expression
Behind the veiled sweat of a worn-out beer
Between the folds of a crimson velvet curtain
There was a dream, which coming and going,
Shone brighter than Icarus’ silhouette.
That ill-fated dream, as green as that faraway light,
Wavered forever out of reach, lapped by icy waters
And the impersonal nudging of the damning wind.
Yet, as Ulysses who pushed his troops into the foreboding
Darkness, the dream is grasped with the final gasp
Of desperation, only to slip like water from the hand.
Then, stranded in that lonesome, barren New York desert,
Time inches like a caterpillar on a brittle leaf, hypnotic
And numb, pacing between two points of banality.
Empty train platforms threaten to deconstruct,
And the ugly, black maw of subway tunnels await.

[Big M !yvlOjk5iUw No.431289]

So, like, I wrote this a while ago but I think my friends are just being nice to me. So uh, yeah tell me what you think.

My name is Marshall Mathers, I'm an alcoholic (Hi Marshall)
I have a disease and they don't know what to call it
Better hide your wallet cause I'm comin up quick to strip your cash
Bought a ticket to your concert just to come and whip your ass
Bitch, I'm comin out swingin, so fast it'll make your eyes spin
You gettin knocked the fuck out like Mike Tyson
The +Proof+ is in the puddin, just ask the Deshaun Holton
I'll slit your motherfuckin throat worse than Ron Goldman

[Anonymous No.431792]

>>431071
Fuck; I'll try to stop with the semicolons.
Better?