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/lit/ - Literature

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ITT: poemz Anonymous Sat Mar 13 13:02:45 2010 No.422701 [Reply] [Original]

>just stumbled upon this half-finished work of mine.Not bad, what does the e/lit/e think?

Breathe deep the rust, sleep in ash

my head is corroded
I cannot breath.
Orange, the neon lights glimmer,
rebar stars in endless night
on the city at the edge of forever
and the sulphite is suffocating,
writhing deeply in rusted bowels of iron,
conglomerated stains of red
in corroded lungs.
Breath deep the rust,
heavily, profusely,
and all the chemicals of

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 13 13:04:45 2010 No.422710 File: 152 KB, 1000x252, Electric_Rain_by_unfor54k3n.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>422701 shameless self-bump

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 13 13:04:45 2010 No.422709 File: 69 KB, 250x923, 1259976124149.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >Breath deep the rust,

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 13 13:05:45 2010 No.422712 File: 97 KB, 340x326, blade_runner.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>422709 RE:ad

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 13 13:06:45 2010 No.422716 if you cannot breathe how can you breathe the rust? this is fucking nonsense, you just made this up on the spot

>>	cornbread !!hfF/ZHIVBKf Sat Mar 13 13:07:45 2010 No.422719 I like it, but it sounds like you had more: and all the chemicals of.... of what?

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 13 13:08:45 2010 No.422724 > on the city at the edge of forever > and the sulphite is suffocating, I think you could lose the "and" here I do not really think its near to perfection, but in comparison to most stuff posted here its top-notch. Especially in terms of consistency.

Anonymous Sat Mar 13 13:09:45 2010 No.422734
File: 109 KB, 500x299, 2251508135_d193520182.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]

>>422719
I did, but this was a misplaced poem. I am in the process of re-writing it, and it's nowhere near as good. I"ll try and merge them

(Breath deep the Rust, Sleep in Ash)

One night I

Dreamt a
dream beneath crass iron,
molten petals in copper cast.
metallurgic in the city of charcoal.

And I,
Stranger to the burning chamber,
lay still among mud-baked brick,

while Hephaestus
smith within rings of fire,
worked as the wanderer in hunt.

Ember swept in gaze of forge
Pierce the night sky,
anvil fireworks of spark and flash,

while bubbling,
the fleet waited,

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 13 13:10:45 2010 No.422736 This really wasn't that bad.

>>	cornbread !!hfF/ZHIVBKf Sat Mar 13 13:10:45 2010 No.422741 >>422734 This is good too! keep posting.

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 13 13:11:45 2010 No.422745 File: 39 KB, 446x343, better_than_expected.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>422736 why thank you

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 13 13:12:45 2010 No.422754 File: 180 KB, 94x100, dance_ninja.gif [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>422741 ah, sorry anon. It's unfinished. One of these days, I'll get around to merging them. Thanks for your time.

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 13 13:17:45 2010 No.422786 soft morning asleep did wish you here last night a soft evening while the city sleeps your soft whisper in my ear airport lights blink afar the sun fades in my dreams fade out

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 13 13:19:45 2010 No.422799 File: 4 KB, 245x184, 1268363485886.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>422786 looking good, anon. Kinda feels like it could use some more stanzas, however.

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 13 13:20:45 2010 No.422808 wow, a thread with original poetry that does not suck. I do not recognize my /lit/

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 13 13:24:45 2010 No.422842 File: 6 KB, 389x306, 1266646026709.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>422808 Me too, anon. Me too

Anonymous Sat Mar 13 17:02:45 2010 No.423625

I'm bumping this just to shit on it. I suspect everyone in this thread who thought this was good was the OP. He deserves to know that this poem is not good before he embarrasses himself by reading this to someone in real life.

Specific criticisms of this and the other poem to follow.

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 13 17:03:45 2010 No.423628 File: 26 KB, 460x280, 1266785826870.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>423625 this is going to be innntteresting

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 13 17:05:45 2010 No.423635 File: 159 KB, 478x358, 1266655824392.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>423625 I"m waiting... shit on me, goddamn it! SHIT ON MEEEEEEEEE

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 13 17:09:45 2010 No.423643 >>422701 see >>423625

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 13 17:09:45 2010 No.423644 I've got an idea, let's just change /lit/ to /deviantART/

Anonymous Sat Mar 13 17:10:45 2010 No.423647

>>422701
>I cannot breath.
You cannot spell. I mean breathe.
>rebar stars
Do you mean reinforcing steel for building?
>endless night
cliche
>edge of forever
cliche
>sulphite is suffocating
First, sulphite is spelled 'sulfite'. Second, is the sulfite itself suffocating (not able to breathe?). That makes no sense. If you meant "the stench of sulfite is suffocating to others", know that sulfite doesn't smell. Sulphur does.
>writhing deeply in rusted bowels of iron
sounds sort of cool but is meaningless
>breath deep the rust
breathe again
>profusely
doesn't make sense here

Meaningless drivel

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 13 17:10:45 2010 No.423648 the rhythm is retarded.

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 13 17:11:45 2010 No.423650 >>423647 >implying posting anon can write. oh goody

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 13 17:12:45 2010 No.423652 >>423647 >spelled sulfite No it's not. It's spelled sulphite. It's from sulphur.

Anonymous Sat Mar 13 17:13:45 2010 No.423654

>>423644
What is your problem with people trying to actually make literature? Would you rather see people make the same "Dostoyevsky or Tolstoy - who was better" threads every day? Or see more naked pictures of GamerGirl? Or do you want people to try, even if they suck, to become better writers and find out the difference between meaningful literature and crap?

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 13 17:14:45 2010 No.423658 >>423652 Wikipedia swings both ways!

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 13 17:16:45 2010 No.423666 >>423647 You'r right about the breathe, breath issue. Everything else is stupid.

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 13 17:18:29 2010 No.423669 File: 9 KB, 278x309, 1267077244017.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>423666 My face when my poem gets defended

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 13 17:20:45 2010 No.423679 >>423666 >>423669 His post ends in 666. It's Satan.

Anonymous Sat Mar 13 17:20:45 2010 No.423680

>>422734
>metallurgic in the city of charcoal.
this line is just you word-dropping blacksmith words. cut it.
>wanderer in the hunt
Poetrybabble. What is wanderer in the hunt supposed to mean? Think about it and write that in this line's place.
>Ember swept in gaze of forge
Eh? Gaze of forge sounds like more poetry babble that means more to you than it does to readers. Refine it.

The rest can be forgiven because it's a cool idea and based around a dream, so you've got lots of freedom to do whatever. I won't shit on this one. Good work.

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 13 17:21:45 2010 No.423685 >>422786 I like dream poems. High five.

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 13 17:22:45 2010 No.423687 File: 66 KB, 1024x768, 1268283019100.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>423679 oh, right.

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 13 17:32:45 2010 No.423720 File: 47 KB, 525x294, gw_bush_disappoint_0112.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] I was expecting a lot more shitting. Disappointed.

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 13 17:34:45 2010 No.423729 File: 293 KB, 1377x2124, ZWG real cover.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] Maybe you should talk to these guys

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 13 17:35:45 2010 No.423730 File: 23 KB, 461x304, 1266130686663.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>423720 same here

>>	Prole !XDERDXUpqQ Sat Mar 13 17:37:58 2010 No.423739 File: 36 KB, 396x520, 1266950383559.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>423729 my face when you realize I'm an editor. That outta bring the hate

>>	Prole !XDERDXUpqQ Sat Mar 13 17:41:29 2010 No.423754 File: 36 KB, 396x520, 1266950383559.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>423729 my face when you realize I'm an editor. That should bring the hate

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 13 17:41:45 2010 No.423751 I SEE WHAT YOU DID, EDITOR.

>>	Prole !XDERDXUpqQ Sat Mar 13 17:41:45 2010 No.423759 File: 6 KB, 252x252, 1266809882219s.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>423755 oh, you. they hate typos with an undying passion

>>	Lindlar !sZMOg20d0E Sat Mar 13 17:41:57 2010 No.423755 File: 433 KB, 420x576, fag.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>423739 My face when you realize I'M an editor oh shit better delete this before /lit/ rages

Anonymous Sat Mar 13 17:47:45 2010 No.423779
File: 42 KB, 470x313, Pripyat_sign.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]

You are still on the highway and the great light of
Noon comes over the asphault, the graveled
Shoulders by weed-blooming ditches where
Two chipping, rusting old four-door shells
Sit crumpled,
Wrapped in embrace,
For years on end. Abandoned.

The jagged triangular diamonds twinkle in the sun
Between the unforgiving, all consuming stalks and pedals.

You slow at the side of the road, but the dusty
Red dirt fires up
Geiger into a rage.

You skid off again. Abandoning.

The watchful red and white striped tower looms
Over the hill. It has stared at them, guiltlessly for
Thirty years.

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 13 17:53:45 2010 No.423800 I hate poetry but I love writing fiction. What does that say about me?

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 13 17:55:45 2010 No.423806 >>423800 You should be in a different thread?

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 13 18:00:45 2010 No.423815 >>423800 that says you hate poetry but love writing fiction

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 13 18:01:45 2010 No.423822 File: 21 KB, 400x450, kelseygrammer11.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>423806 Touche

Anonymous Sat Mar 13 18:11:45 2010 No.423858

Okay I've got an on the spot poem.

Trusting you is like solid state mercury
Pretty pointless
Yet here in the gloom of the afternoon
I love you
Oh what watchful ears I have
Wasted on your signals
Lie down, feel this, let me
I love you
Your mind is equal to your affectations
Contradictions
I love you no more

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 13 18:17:45 2010 No.423876 Watch their asses bob as they fuck the shaft they moan like rabid cats when it's over they get spanked

>>	Anonymous Sat Mar 13 18:31:45 2010 No.423915 Ha ha ha this new board is funny

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