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/lit/ - Literature

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411165 No.411165 [Reply] [Original]

Hey /lit/, would you mind critiquing a really awful poem for me? I mean, I know it's awful, I just don't know how to make it better.

inb4 "too awful for critique"

I really really would appreciate help on this.


"Religion should be illegal," he says.

It's things like this, like the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster,
That make me ashamed to call myself an atheist.

Because while I do not believe in God,
There are others that do.
Not only gun-toting, redneck, evangelical Christians,
But people that just need something to have faith in.

The single mother next door,
the Holocaust survivor in 2B,
the homeless man on the street,
and even the white, Christian, businessman sipping coffee at the local cafe.

The concept of a greater being, Christian, Jewish, Islamic, or otherwise
is the thing that keeps them going.
And who are you,
To deny them that?
There was also more that I wanted to say, but it was unbearable shitty, so I took it out. Bleh, everything sounds perfect until you write it down on paper.

Pic unrelated.

>> No.411183

I like the last line the best

>> No.411195

Didactic shit

You don't give a thought to rhythm or the sound of your words

This isn't poetry, it's prose (bad prose) with line breaks.

>> No.411204

>>411195
I know this. ;-; How do I fix it?

>> No.411209

This is fucking horrible. I no longer have any faith in a supreme intelligent being after reading this.

>> No.411215

This is not poetry. It is 14 yr old writing.

>> No.411223

Op here. I was molested as a child.

>> No.411227

>>411204

There is absolutely no way to fix this. None. At all. I am not trying to be a dick: it really is that bad.

>> No.411240

>>411195
>>411215
>>411209

Okay. Look. I know this is bad. I know it very well. But no matter how much I read and write, I don't seem to get any better. I can recognize what's bad and what's good, but writing isn't like math where there's a set set of rules. If this poem really is too bad to critique, then could you try giving me a crash course on writing better?>>411209

>> No.411241

Who created God OP?

>> No.411246

>>411241
People

>> No.411252

You need to spend a few more years reading. Copy the styles you enjoy at first and slowly youll develop your own style. This will take years to do.

>> No.411260

Come back after you read 1000 poems OP. Then try again.

>> No.411262

>>411252
I've been a heavy reader for at least 11 years. How long does it fucking take?


ffff I am just very frustrated with myself.

>> No.411277

It takes as long as it takes. Probably a lifetime.

>> No.411286

What's your name op and maybe a pic I am going to show you what a denial in my father gets you.

>> No.411290

There are millions of books on writing. Being a great writer is like being a great piano player. It takes years and years of practice.

>> No.411291

>>411240

You know what's bad and good, but you don't know _why_ they're bad and good? Go through poems you like and really look at what the poet is doing. In great detail. Like, so much detail that you can name how many times Eliot repeats "presume" in Prufrock off the top of your head. Also, try writing within constrained forms (like a sonnet or villanelle or whatever) as exercises. It'll help you pay more attention to the mechanics of poetry. And read your stuff aloud--poetry is the marriage of meaning and sound.

>> No.411305

Read several books on atheism and religion before you develop an opinion. Seek out facts.

>> No.411308
File: 17 KB, 244x247, 1231111112455641.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
411308

Why is this even a poem?

>> No.411318

gun toting rednecks? how fucking shallow
Cliche as fuck, you are ignorant op

>> No.411320

its one of the stupidest fucking things ive ever read

OP you have nothing interesting to say and you wouldnt know how to say it if you did

>> No.411331

Op has to be a troll. If not you are beyond help. Give up.

>> No.411353

>>411291

Thanks for the advice. The problem is more that I don't know how to duplicate good. I can look at a line and think, "That is brilliant," but writing isn't science or math or even art. In art, I know exactly what I have to do for something to look good, creativity aside. Sounding good is a whole other game, and it isn't something you really can copy off someone else.

Would you like to see some of my villanelles? I assure you they are even shittier than the poem I've already shared.

Also I love a good spoken-word poet, and I have CDs and CDs of poetry albums.

>> No.412047

This is prose poetry or maybe slam.
It doesn't say anything insightful.
Yep, there are normal "business people" who believe in God. And yes, there are people who are "gun-toting, redneck, evangelical Christians".

The poem is also a contradiction. You essentially consider religion a crutch you don't need because you are an atheist asshole.

>> No.412216

You now realize OP posted this to troll you.

>> No.412230

google translator english --> japanese --> english

Religion should be outlawed, "he says.

Think of it this way, the church, such as Furaingusupagettimonsuta
It is ashamed of itself, please call me an atheist.

Because while I do not believe in God
There are others.
As well as gun-toting, the country, evangelical Christians, the
However, people need something to believe in.

Located next to single mothers
2b is a survivor of the Holocaust,
The street, a homeless man,
In addition, Christianity, a white businessman sipping coffee at a local cafe.

Been greatly the concept of Christianity, Judaism, Islam, or otherwise
That it's going.
And who you are
To deny them?

>> No.413698

OP, this is just prose with unnecessary line breaks. As others have said, read a bunch of poems from legitimate authors and then try again when you understand the medium a little better.

>> No.413701

aaah it stinks of sentimental high-school prose

>> No.413708

>>411215
>>411209
I lol'd so hard I fell out of my chair.

Especially
>>411209
Oh god, hahahahahaha

>> No.413710

You see crow of one, Bad
Crow of two, Mirth
You see crow of three, Wed
Crow of four, Birth

You see crow of five, Rich
Crow of six, Theif
You see crow of seven, Leave
Crow of eight, Grief

If you see crows high in the sky,
Call out their number
You'll know the reason why

You see crow of nine, Shh
Crow of ten, Sorrow
You see crow of eleven, Love
Crow of twelve, Tomorrow

If you see crows high in the sky,
Call out their number
You'll know the reason why

>> No.413714

Atheist crusader for lost morality
Strolls into Wal-Mart with agenda:
Final Fantasy XIII is out

>> No.413719

OP is Ayn Rand

>> No.414662

>>413714
niec prose bro

>> No.414852

>>412230
OP, Google translator just made a shitty poem out of your poem and it was still better than yours.