Post your work

[Anonymous No.3952760]

Couldn't find one in the catalog, so I'm going to start one. ITT: Post your work you are either working on or have completed.

Here is a short story I just wrote:
http://pastebin.com/xcJzPfuC

It is around one thousand words, and isn't very good. I would like honest criticism so I can improve my deplorably bad writing style.

[Anonymous No.3952974]

Bump so this doesn't die over night.

[Anonymous No.3953049]

>>3952760
okay, calm the fuck down at the beginning. you're engaging in way too much exposition way too fast way too soon.
of what i read, it sounded like a present tense plot summary more than anything. space out your revelations. if you've got enough plot to fill a novel, write a novel or get rid of some of it.
you need to show, don't tell

[Anonymous No.3953088]

would you keep reading this?

http://pastebin.com/kkZcaeyh

[Anonymous No.3953101]

This is my most recently published piece:
http://www.biostories.com/Essays.php
Let me know what you think!

[Anonymous No.3953105]

hehehehehehehe

Far too many hes, you have to find a way to drive things forward without saying "he did this and he did that and he thought that" all the way through.

"surmounted the seemingly insurmountable", "his attachment to his past" and similar repetitions may seem to add emphasis but mostly leave awkward humps. A few too many cliches that could be done without: "permanently ingrained" as opposed to temporarily ingrained?

Good simple story though, keep writing.

[Anonymous No.3953126]

>>3953101
Not too shabby, the style works but for me it's lacking "intrigue." Maybe it would work better if you showed the dad "doing something" earlier on. Congrats on getting published though.

OOOOOOOOOOOooooooohhhhhhhhhhh Susquehanna

[Anonymous No.3953127]

>>3953088
Had to stop after the first paragraph. But I'll be a nice guy and try to show you what's wrong, line by line.
>The day was yellow and December and Soy,
This intro doesn't grab me. I have to think too much about it because the grammar is a bit off.
>unaware of both, stared at a grey water of ocean which had either become too incapable or too inconsiderate to define itself.
"Grey water of ocean." Yuck. Why not just "grey ocean"? I can tell already you're a writer who uses too many adjectives. It's a clear sign you're not confident enough in your storytelling. Be clear with what you want to say: He saw a grey ocean that didn't know how to define itself.
>His dumbly troubled face managed itself into a series of impulsive grimaces, his mouth said a word: No.
Way too many adjectives here. At this point you're just telling me things rather than showing. I can't feel this description at all because it's told in so many words.
>His hands he firmed on the dark circular bar, writhing in meaningless exertion and his head of paper he bobbed recursively toward the water.
Same complaint about the adjectives. I like the use of "firmed" as a verb. Consider using more interesting verbs over adjectives (For example, "writhing" is a boring word to describe what he's doing). "Meaningless exertion" and "recursively" are just unnecessary here.
>Soy stood there, leant on the thin black barrier rail
Not sure about the word "leant" here
>—the only for a number of miles, near the empty PlayGround—
Not sure why this description is necessary. Then again, I haven't read the rest of the story.
>watching the water scratch itself frantically with waves.
This is such a good description, just cut "frantically". It helps to say the sentence out loud. Think of how nice the phrase "scratch itself with waves" sounds. The adverb is not only unnecessary, but kind of ugly
>"It's ashamed of itself," he thought wrongly
Again, stop telling me. Show me he's wrong by contrasting his thoughts with the ocean. You want the reader to have to think about the images. Telling me he's wrong almost negates the whole point of the sentence..
>He lifted a stone, and with his hand pondered its weight momentarily before releasing it relentless to a shifting sea.
This is a good sentence. I think it could be reworded to "He lifted a stone, pondered its weight and released it relentless to a shifting sea". This could also be because I was taught to cut gerund verbs ("ing" verbs) as much as possible in my writing classes.

Again, this is my opinion as a writer who has had work published widely. I don't mean to discredit your storytelling because I didn't read the full story, but your technique could use some work although it does have potential..

[Anonymous No.3953140]

>>3953126
Thanks for the feedback! I know what you mean about the intrigue... My prose is usually a bit more lively. I wanted to reflect my father's cold, calculated ways through more "robotic" prose.

Also, do you go to Susquehanna? I start my first year in a couple of weeks so I'm pretty excited.

[Anonymous No.3953141]

>>3953127
thanks for the helpful advice

[Anonymous No.3953144]

>>3953140
no i just know the song

[Anonymous No.3953223]

I took a random pasta and turned it into a writing exercise. Wrote it maybe 2, 3 weeks ago, haven't touched it/read it since. Thoughts?

Will bump with a pic of the story. It's about 4350 words.

http://pastebin.com/eBFhxDpR

[Anonymous No.3953228]

>>3953223
pic

i showed it to a few people; they all liked it but didn't like the original ending, so it's not as subtle as i'd have wanted. Pic related has the original ending; the pastebin has the one i drafted after criticism the night i spent on editing two days after writing.

[Anonymous No.3953268]

>>3952760
>http://pastebin.com/xcJzPfuC
I have to agree with>>3953049
If anything, the idea you have is a very interesting one. I see the possibility for many interesting episodes if this story were to be expanded into a larger piece. Just don't worry too much about rushing into your narration. You have to learn to be patient, both with yourself and with the way the story develops.
Your main character is already very interesting; if you just provide more specific details about his life, the cultural tensions and alienation within his life will be both compelling and fleshed-out.
A note on style:
Many of the words you use are a bit try-hard. Try using words that are simpler. You'll eventually find your own works both easier to write as well as more enjoyable to read. Along with that, I would also recommend clarifying when exactly your story takes place. The suddenness of your exposition left me somewhat confused.
Other than that, keep writing, and you're always welcomed here whenever you might need help with revising or proofreading.

[Anonymous No.3953298]

>>3953228
Neat idea. The final part really has the potential for a great story, and I think it would work even better if you got to that story straight away. Your description of "people-watching" is intriguing, and it would be even more so if you gave your character some kind of motive for doing it. Throughout the entire first half of your story, I didn't quite catch a motive.
Also try to move those first couple paragraphs along faster. A lot of the information and descriptions you provide get repetitive and overbearing: trust the reader to understand the first time through.

[Anonymous No.3953350]

1c7.tumblr.com

[Anonymous No.3953574]

Not sure what you searched for in the catalog, but I found this thread was up earlier: >>3952760

[Anonymous No.3953600]

>>3953574
lol

[Anonymous No.3953641]

http://pastebin.com/HFnvAy1n

I wanted to include another character, I just couldn't come up with a good one. I was about to try "the writer," but it seemed like a bit too much like a DFW self-insert kinda thing, not to mention I wasn't "mean" enough to him soon enough for me to really be comfortable with him.

[Anonymous No.3953712]

OP here, I really appreciate your feedback.

[Anonymous No.3953803]

http://pastebin.com/K3GTSTSb

I wrote this up within the last couple of hours, after having stayed up all night. It's not complete, there's supposed to be a scene elsewhere before she goes to eat, but it's sufficient enough for one sitting I believe.

[Anonymous No.3953899]

>>3952760
OP, I think it's well-written. You are certainly well-spoken and I can tell this is an idea for a story you've thought a great deal into.

How can I tell this? You rush into the details a bit. Exposition isn't supposed to be one big compilation of "purple prose". Save rigorous descriptions for a little later and try building up more gradually.

What they teach in grammar school with the little pyramid with the climax at the tip and the rising action/ falling action on their respective sides is INVALUABLE and it's something I admittedly overlook myself all too often.

Good story, though. Lots of potential.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Well, anyway, I just made a pastebin, so if you guys wanna give me some feedback on the first couple pages to a story I've started recently, I'd really appreciate it:

http://pastebin.com/WJrjfWJf

[Anonymous No.3953929]

I wrote this shit in two hours and it's trash. If you read it, it's your damn fault
http://pastebin.com/EunZRKa7

[Anonymous No.3954022]

>>3953929
>http://pastebin.com/EunZRKa7

Why?

[Anonymous No.3954061]

>>3954022
I never said it would be any good, I wrote it in two hours. Nothing is good in two hours. I say it's 1/10-tier, and it was to pass the time between 3 AM and 5 AM

[Anonymous No.3954069]

>>3953803
I don't like your descriptions of time at the beginning, it feels like an overdone way of being grandiose. Other than that, I liked it and I say you should continue to work on it. It needs some polish and attention too.

[Anonymous No.3954237]

>>3953899
c'mon guys i even got dubs... does /lit/ like dubs? i'm kind of new here

[Anonymous No.3954251]

>>3953899
OP here, I just gave it a read.

Seems to me like your writing suffers from a similar case to mine. Comes across as a bit stilted, and as if you purposefully selected longer words to replace simple words simply to come across as more eloquent.
Like I said, your writing reminds me a lot of my own, and my criticism is also applicable to me. Keep writing, you're good. You just need to find your own style.

[Anonymous No.3954272]

>>3954251
can you give me some examples where i specifically come across as a try-hard? it's something i'd love to improve upon

[Anonymous No.3954295]

Figured I'd link my post in the other thread here.

>>3952827

[Anonymous No.3954373]

>>3952760
It's a nice little story and premise, but as you mentioned, the writing can be improved.

As others have noted, you are using the 'passive voice' too predominantly. Aiming to write using an 'active voice' not only reads better, but is more direct and concise. For a good list of examples, check this out: http://www.towson.edu/ows/activepass.htm

Also, I noticed you have a lot of running sentences. Often shortening lines gives a much greater impact.

With short stories, you constantly deal with limitations. The most obvious is the amount of time you have to tell your story. To work around this, a good rule of thumb is to give readers the answer to the following questions in the first paragraph; who, what, when, where and why.

>Who?
The answer to this should clearly state who the main character (protagonist) is. Rather than referring to 'he' or 'she' - let the reader know the characters' name as soon as possible. You should plant the seeds of characterisations as quick as you can - after all, characters are the driving force in stories.

>What?
You don't have to be dry and obvious, but you should be explicit in stating through some form 'what' the story is all about. Don’t let your reader get confused or doubtful. If the recurring premise is 'isolation' - then you have to show readers that this is the premise. The key word here is ‘show’. You should avoid telling the reader; always show.

>When / Where?
Aim to give readers information about where the story is set as soon as possible. This gives readers a better idea of the scope. When describing your setting, again don’t list information like a report. Instead show readers through hints and imagery.

>Why?
This is often harder to answer. Basically you should answer why a reader should care about this character and his/her conflict. Often the best way to resolve this is by having something at stake. If your character is fighting to overcome a conflict, your reader will be invested in the story.

In terms of structuring your story – I would recommend following the ‘three act structure’. You don’t have to plot or outline with insane detail, though you should aim to follow a certain dramatic structure. If you want to learn the general idea about it, you can here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Three-act_structure

[Anonymous No.3954725]

>>3954069
Yeah, I noticed the paragraphs were constantly chunky. I'll certainly edit later with this in mind.

[Anonymous No.3954831]

>>3952760
http://pastebin.com/gMkDM033

a short story idea I ran with, if I continue it, it wont go on very much longer

[Anonymous No.3955017]

OP here, I've read the feedback and edited my story accordingly:
http://pastebin.com/uTm0S9hU

I've tried to fix the places where it came across as stilted and try hard. I know it's a major fault with my style, but I have a hard time distinguishing between appropriate use of long words and using long words for the sake of it. I know it's probably still a problem here, but to me it sounds natural.

[Anonymous No.3955025]

>>3954831
>http://pastebin.com/gMkDM033
That's pretty hilarious.

[Anonymous No.3955050]

>>3952760
>http://pastebin.com/xcJzPfuC

Extra-orbital isn't a space term.

comma after whatever word you chose to replace extra-orbital flight with, as it is an introductory phrase.

When writing in third person, you can say the character's name right out of the gate. As it stands now, you have a pronoun reference error.

"he once though TO BE permanently...", you mean? Thats not "stylistic writing".

If you ask me "memories of starvation" line should be two seperate independent clauses rather than one frankenstein clause. I would revise formative years, as well, as I think that people are always growing (forming) so they don't specify any specific era.

"Crowded cities, a hot class room, extended sun-drenched walks and the absence of anything resembling material comforts were ideas which had once kept him achieving a normal sleeping schedule yet now floated in the periphery of his consciousness." consider revision, especially the "and the absence of..." part. It isn't parallel sentence structure.

"Still, the day which chance happened upon him had not yet left." Sentence fragment.

shall I continue? I would say there are unforgivable errors in every sentence of that first paragraph. I haven't read beyond that. please let this be the first draft...

[Anonymous No.3955055]

>>3955050
> I would revise formative years, as well, as I think that people are always growing (forming) so they don't specify any specific era.
You realize formative years is a common expression, right?

[Anonymous No.3955063]

>>3955050
Yes, but read >>3955017 instead of the OP.

[Anonymous No.3955068]

>>3955055
you realize using common expressions in writing is "trite", and is graded as such by editors and university level professors of both academic and creative writing, right?

[Anonymous No.3955074]

>>3955063
>http://pastebin.com/uTm0S9hU
yes, but read >>3955050 as nothing I pointed out had been revised.

[Anonymous No.3955082]

>>3955074
>Extra-orbital isn't a space term.
I couldn't care less.
>When writing in third person, you can say the character's name right out of the gate. As it stands now, you have a pronoun reference error.
I didn't even want him to have a name. There are no character interactions.
>If you ask me "memories of starvation" line should be two seperate independent clauses rather than one frankenstein clause. I would revise formative years, as well, as I think that people are always growing (forming) so they don't specify any specific era.
To be honest I don't really care you think that people are always forming and I shouldn't use "formative years". It doesn't even necessarily imply that formation is complete after them.

The rest are actual actual problems that I like having pointed out. The reason the grammar has not been fixed is because the second draft was written before you posted.

[Anonymous No.3955133]

>>3955082
You're going to have a tough time as writer if you can't take kindly to revision, kid.

It is honestly great that you "don't care" about the basic rules of Standard English. That kind of thinking made Joyce write work such as Finnegans Wake. However, if you aren't an established writer, no one will take this level of work seriously; as a third year philosophy and English double major student, I still cannot get away with writing with any "style" and that upsets me daily! However, since my passion in life is to teach, I am going to continue with helping you. I hope you don't feel any animosity towards me that prohibit your writing from excelling and you from learning along the way.

"extra-orbital" refers to outer eye muscle tissue. That's just the facts! I'll admit, immediately it recalls images of the great nothingness to mind, which was the desired effect. However, lets get specific! After all, that is the fun of writing! How about something like this:
"Past Apoapsis *john doe* struggled to recollect details of his childhood he once thought permanently to be etched into his memory."

Apoapsis is the farthest point in an oliptical orbit, and the "take off point" for a new trajectory. Plus, it sounds neat, doesn't it! it is more direct, but keeps the vague status it seems you were intending to achieve by being an esoteric term.

I can continue to help, my man!

[Anonymous No.3955143]

>>3955133
oh, and Apoapsis is pronounced "A-poe-aps" which flows well next to "past"

[Anonymous No.3955190]

>>3955133
I think you're holding my worl to too high a standard. It was a little story I wrote up in just over an hour while talking on Omegle. To say I have any sort of attachmemt to it would be silly.
Regarding the space craft, it's obvious I didn't care what term I used. Extra-orbital means nothing. "Extra-orbital"? If anything it implies it's leavinh Earth's gravitational pull. But I didn't care. All I wanted the reader to know was "this stupid asshole is in space thinking about being a kid".

[Anonymous No.3955201]

>>3955133
>>3955143

I'm going to bump with corrections to my own sentence.

"Past apoapsis, Sembene struggled to recollect details of his childhood he once thought to be permanently etched into his memory."

"The memory of starvation was distinct, but the fine details of his early years escaped his grasp. Crowded cities, a hot class room, extended sun-drenched walks and the absence of any material comforts were ideas that had once kept him from achieving normal sleeping habits, yet now floated in the periphery of his consciousness. Still, the day which chance happened upon him had not yet escaped his memory. Although it had seemed like an act of providence, it had only been an act of random philanthropy that an anonymous benefactor would visit Senegal to give one fortunate child a fully funded Western education. Sembene had often said it was only by chance that he had been selected, though being ashamed of the fashion in which had been selected. The man had asked for the brightest youths to be assembled, so as to discern those who could profit the most from such an education."

[Anonymous No.3955204]

>>3955190
Alright, well I will leave you to wither and die in a sea of over achievers who hold themselves to standards. Best of luck. You're going to need it.

[Anonymous No.3955220]

>>3955025
gee, I hope you mean in a good way

pretty much it was going to end with the CEO finding out that Earth is basically a laughing stock for the rest of the galaxy, and he'a unaure wether or not he should continue production for the good of the planet or shut it down, effectively destroying it

[Anonymous No.3955252]

>>3955204
Except I never said I didn't have standards. All I'm saying is that this only my second attempt at writing, and didn't even have much thought put into it. It would hardly do me any good if I contrasted it to "as a third year philosophy and English double major" standards. The first thing would be to make it not terrible, like you did here >>3955201.

[Anonymous No.3955463]

>>3955204
You should critique other stories, both here and in the other thread. I think a lot of people would be thrilled to see your opinion on their craft.

[Anonymous No.3955528]

This is a small piece of a rough draft I've been working on. Right now I'm just trying to get the basic ideas down.

[Anonymous No.3955530]

>>3955528

Sorry for the very obvious typo in the beginning, "ax" is supposed to be "a"

[Anonymous No.3956148]

>>3955017
I took just your first paragraph, and re-wrote it. It has a few more words (167 - yours / 185 - this) but you'll notice how much more concise it reads. Eliminate stilted prose; increase your emphasis on story.

[Anonymous No.3956237]

>>3955463
I intend to do that, for sure! I've got an essay due on Monday that I have to finish up, so I probably shouldn't have even taken the time to look at the one. I like the revision stage a lot so would be thrilled to give my opinions and critiques on other people's work.

[Anonymous No.3956456]

>>3952760
>white man
Oh god, here we go.

[Anonymous No.3956538]

>>3956456
>I didn't read the story
>Implying an African child wouldn't have called him "the white man"
>>3956148
I know I' sound like a brat who doesn't like having his work criticized, I have to say that I don't like the "corrections" you've done. This guy >>3955201 did a much better job at improving the prose without changing the feeling of the story. What you've done seems to be only vaguely my story. Who the white philanthropist was doesn't matter. It seems like you didn't even read the whole thing, because you'd know that three children were selected, not one, and I tried to imply that there was a distance between the benefactor and the children. He didn't actually care about the children, he cared about his ego.
Futhermore, "Sembene" (I still think giving him a name is completely pointless) doesn't want to think about his childhood, he's trying to read his book but keeps getting distracted.

[Anonymous No.3957693]

http://pastebin.com/gR3eY1ey

I am drunk and I don't care for your tone /lit/! Do what you must. (You will try...)