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/lit/ - Literature

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3854087 No.3854087 [Reply] [Original]

>self publishing

>> No.3854115

oh god, lol, what is this shit

>> No.3854114
File: 84 KB, 700x474, sonichu copyright me.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
3854114

>>3854087
>outer space smells like gunpowder

welp

>> No.3854125

>>3854114
well, it's because the big bang was an explosion, doncha know.

>> No.3854132

I love it when stories shift from first to third person.

>> No.3854163

>With that I would like to present to you Paul. He is five-foot-six inches tall. He has nearly shoulder-length jet-black hair and vibrant, phantom-like white skin.
Kill me.
>He beams with health and vigor. His eyes are a dark, deep yellow. He wears an inverted silver pentacle around his neck, usually under his clothing.
Kill me now.
>Oh, yes, and one more very important thing: he is a vampire.
Oh god, kill me now.
>He looks about twenty-five years old, but he is not. He is three hundred and twenty five.
This must be why there are waiting periods to buy a gun.

>> No.3854186
File: 34 KB, 285x290, 1282623477852.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
3854186

>>3854163
>Paul the vampire

>> No.3854194

>>3854186
Paul the midget vampire

>> No.3854210
File: 51 KB, 550x481, 00-Front.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
3854210

>He looks about twenty-five years old, but he is not. He is three hundred and twenty five.

>> No.3854216
File: 101 KB, 392x288, facepalm.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
3854216

>>3854087
Right when I thought it couldn't get any more melodramatic this happens:

>She has big, round, beautiful eyes (preposterously beautiful eyes)...

>> No.3854274
File: 72 KB, 277x277, shocked and appauled.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
3854274

>"Is that all you have to say? No 'I miss you'?"
>"You already know how much I miss you," she tells him. "You can sense it all over me-- these aches and pains of mine, all because of you."

>> No.3854284

Someone else find self published stuff.

This is funny

>is going trad pub so they can tell me if my shit stinks so this doesnt happen

>> No.3854327
File: 368 KB, 789x597, the fluffer.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
3854327

>>3854284
I've only got some old self-published stuff that was posted here before.

>> No.3854335

Oh my sides...

I gotta show this to my dad. He works in publishing.

>> No.3854509

As we all know, nothing beams health and vigor like completely pale white skin.

>> No.3854515

>>3854335

can he read my manuscript? :3

>> No.3854528

>>3854284

This is one of my pastimes. Just look at the science-fiction/fantasy section in the Lulu bookstore. There's plenty of gold there, just have to dig for it.

>> No.3854627

>>3854528
The problem is that the mediocre stuff outnumbers the so-bad-its-funny stuff nine to one.

>> No.3854631

>>3854335
job pls

>> No.3854646

>>3854087
Does the first paragraph have anything at all to do with... well, anything?

I was gearing up for a sci-fi outer space adventure and then it goes to Raven and Ebony meeting each other in a restaurant.

>> No.3854666

First paragraph: Overblown, but somewhat intriguing

Everything else: lolwut

>> No.3854718

>>3854194
Paul the midget vampire with social anxiety.

>> No.3854728

>>3854646
The first paragraph wasn't that bad, specially when he talks about chaos and order, but there's still retarded stuff, specially the "smell of gunpowder because Big Bang"

>> No.3854732

>>3854327
I remember this one.

>> No.3854733

>>3854728
>but there's still retarded stuff, specially the "smell of gunpowder because Big Bang"
I didn't mind that bit, it reminded me Cosmicomics in a way.

>> No.3854740

First paragraph was awesome. Everything else...what the fuck?

>> No.3854751

>>3854087
hideous, reminds me of this landwhale from /x/ that passed me a story of hers about a robot vampire

>> No.3854758

>>3854087
>Astronauts smelling outer space
First sentence got me. I'm out.

>> No.3854763

>>3854758
The smell of space being gunpowder came from the explosion of the big bang, oh why the fuck did I keep reading.

>> No.3854769

>>3854763
Keep going, don't be a pussy.

>> No.3854776

>>3854769
It hurt me when I got to Paul. What is this bs anyways?

>> No.3854785

>>3854776
>The author of "Incorrigibility" now presents you with a completely different animal: "Red Love," a book of misanthropy, licentiousness, vengeance and blood-thirsty vampirism. It is what happens when two diabolical embodiments of unlimited power, capable of almost anything, become self-righteous, and allow themselves to be led by the impassioned guise of their idealism. With a very ambiguous past, the only things they love are each other and the taste of blood. Now all must taste the wrath of their self-conceit, in particularly that of Paul, a conflicted beast of prey, utterly vexed by the human race, and at the threshold of madness – that is, if he has not crossed it already. The world is surely his and Damineh’s for the taking – or so they think. WARNING: BLASPHEMY, SEX AND VIOLENCE ABOUND!! Reader discretion is strongly advised.

I'll never understand why the morons at Lulu feel the need to warn readers.

>> No.3854816

>>3854785
it's actually a bait. "buy it! plenty of sex an violence!" implies the reader is looking for that first and thus offends him/her (even when true). if you say it the other way, as a warning you are implying that the reader is mature enough to read it DESPITE the sex and violence

>> No.3854853

>>3854114

Not bad, I've definitely read worse. The gunpowder thing is kind of silly, but I still liked it.

>> No.3854858
File: 1.17 MB, 1126x604, Red Love.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
3854858

It's pretty silly when you skip around to the right parts and cut out the filler.

>> No.3854862

>>3854858
New murakami novel?

>> No.3854998
File: 192 KB, 434x644, Screen Shot 2013-06-15 at 10.43.22 PM.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
3854998

>>3854087
>Oh, yes, and one more very important thing: he is a vampire.

>> No.3855025

>every man in the diner has alredy fantasized about haivng her naked and helpless in his arms.

he wasn't kidding when he said her eyes were preposterously beautiful.

>> No.3855044

>>3854998

this got me son

i scared my cat when i laught

>> No.3855049
File: 141 KB, 500x375, 3173332812_3c5914efa7[1].jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
3855049

>5'6" manlet at the age of 325
>As pallid as a corpse
>He suffers from chronic hepatitis or cirrhosis of the liver
>"He beams with health and vigor"
Dropped faster than Infinite Jest on my big toe, pic related

>> No.3855058

The first paragraph seemed to be somewhat half-way decent but then the remaining paragraphs... just burn the server for this piece a shit.

>> No.3855123

I don't see why so many people are saying the first paragraph is half way decent.

Smells in space? The big bang was made of gunpowder? Entropy and calamity? The ancient Greeks? That whole chaos bit that sounds like it was lifted from that awful hospital scene in The Dark Knight? It's garbage.

>> No.3855143

>>3855123
it wasn't decent, but it had some kind of atmosphere that was intriguing and the whole gunpowder thing is fixable. i magine the smell inside a spacecraft must be peculiar. if someone said it smelled faintly of gunpoder because of the heat generated when leaving Earth, i might believe it. THEN, you can maybe do some kind of comparison with the Big Bang. I'm making a moot point though -- it goes to shit when vampires happen.

>> No.3855146

>>3855049
damn that looks like it hurt

>> No.3855156

>>3855049
Your jeans are shit, you big ugly pleb.

>> No.3855166
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3855166

>> No.3855304

>>3854327
>sucking harder with each suck
I don't need to add anything to that.

>> No.3855323

>>3855304
It practically reviews itself.

>> No.3855584
File: 21 KB, 400x300, usum_ kindofbad.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
3855584

>"My sweet Alice, will you go with me to Wonderland," I whisper, grinning wide.

Fuck, this is awful.

>> No.3855626

http://www.lulu.com/shop/dave-luton/the-switch/paperback/product-20105643.html

A world dictator who calls himself "the Chosen One" forces all his citizens to have implanted a switch which was invented by Hitler for the purpose of facilitating genocide and euthanasia. He claims to have more benign purposes than Hitler, but some people,including the book's narrator aren't buying. This story ends on a positive note as the story's main character overcomes depression and suicidal urges to find a purpose in life. However, the book's underground publisher issues a somber warning to the reader and to all who dare possess this book. Like George Orwell's novel 1984, this book is meant, at least in part, as a condemnation of totalitarianism, regardless of the ideology. However,this novel does reflect the author's personal disenchantment with capitalism. NOTE: THIS BOOK IS NOT RECOMMENDED FOR MINORS DUE TO ITS SENSITIVE CONTENT.

>> No.3856676

>>3855626
>the Chosen One

that's original

>> No.3856701
File: 8 KB, 240x182, 2783-feynman.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
3856701

big bang wasn't an explosion

>> No.3856736

those character descriptions are agony

>> No.3857437

>Everyone in the cafe turns around to look at him

Because that totally happens outside of old spaghetti westerns

>> No.3857464

>>3857437
>A lone person drops his glass in fascination

>> No.3857503

>>3855044
when you what?

>> No.3857511

>>3855123
This. The whole thing made me cringe

>> No.3857522
File: 35 KB, 293x380, 1371311880331.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
3857522

>>3854327
>I know you sleep in your birthday suite

>> No.3857529

>>3855025

>alredy

I don't know if this was in the text. Regardless, shame.

>> No.3857538
File: 133 KB, 1366x768, just kill me now.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
3857538

>>3854785

>> No.3857595

Wow. First to third person from fucking nowhere.

>> No.3857627
File: 34 KB, 413x395, 1310483412100.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
3857627

>>3855626
>NOTE: THIS BOOK IS NOT RECOMMENDED FOR MINORS DUE TO ITS SENSITIVE CONTENT.

>> No.3857638

I hope this becomes a regular /lit/ thing.

>> No.3857645

>>3857638
It already is, are you new here?

>> No.3857659

>>3857627
>NOTE: THIS BOOK IS NOT RECOMMENDED DUE TO ITS CONTENT

fixed it

>> No.3857663

>>3857645

Pretty. I stayed off 4ch* for a while. Hope I can be a good contributor.

>> No.3857680
File: 126 KB, 554x587, the switch.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
3857680

>>3855626

>> No.3857685
File: 55 KB, 454x454, 1369778598687.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
3857685

>>3857680
>I'm certainly not trying to compare McDonalds to Hitler

>> No.3857987

>>3857680
Holy cow, my edge-o-meter is going right to the very precipice!

>> No.3858008

>>3857680
http://vocaroo.com/i/s1pR2GPtKPMA
WELL THAT WAS FUN

>> No.3858197

>>3858008
>>3858008
almost pissed myself
Please, do the rest

>> No.3858203

>>3858008
EUGH METUL GEER