/lit/ - Literature

[The Firesign Theatre !02i3ppf8n. No.3827410]

What's your favorite greentext /lit/?
What's the best written one?
Best twist?
Funniest?

[Anonymous No.3827430]

>>3827410
The whole "greentext" thing has always bothered me.

[Anonymous No.3827441]

>going to hawaii
>connecting flight to japan
>be an average looking white man
>hear someone scream "tom clues! tom clues!"
>an asian man and his wife rush me
>"prease, tom clues, give autoglaph! you very good rast samurai"
>play along and sign their notebooks
>the guy leaves
>his 50 year old wife stays behind
>puts her hotel room key in my jacket pocket
>flight was delayed anyways
>fuck her senseless while the husband watches from across the room and fingers himself
>he asks her later how good my big american cock felt
>as i'm leaving i scream "i'm not tom cruise you silly geeses, i'm tom hanks!"

[Anonymous No.3827444]

>Implying you are not a babby

[Anonymous No.3827484]

Stop abusing the quote function.

[Anonymous No.3827875]

Roemer Saga.

It's some stupid aspie story collection written by some kid whose first language isn't English. Because of the popularity of the thread the writer wanted to post the segments so fast that he didn't proofread them.

However, the timing, pacing and the use of vocabulary, understatement and irony are out of this world.

[Anonymous No.3827882]

>>3827410
Out of the boring, staple Spaghetti/Fedora ones the prom one with "I knew you were going to pop my cherry".

Out of all? Helvetin Perkeleet

[Anonymous No.3827903]

>>3827882
>Out of the boring, staple Spaghetti/Fedora ones the prom one with "I knew you were going to pop my cherry".
This. That was a great thread a few weeks ago

[Anonymous No.3827908]

>>3827903
Also: the /r9k/ story of a dude taking a shit when he talks to the guy in the stall next to him, it ends with 'flash him a quick sight of my condom' or something

[Anonymous No.3827919]

>>3827430
le lel

[Anonymous No.3827931]

>implying /pol/ doesn't excel in green texting

[Anonymous No.3830285]

this

[Anonymous No.3830298]

What ever happened with that guy who was going to document the grammar of greentext?

[Anonymous No.3830318]

[Anonymous No.3830321]

[Anonymous No.3830328]

best evaaaaaa

[Anonymous No.3830336]

>>3830321

Oh god that is just depressing.

[Anonymous No.3830341]

>>3830321
that image should be destroyed and banned from ever being posted anywhere on the internet again

[Anonymous No.3830347]

>>3830336
>>3830341
It's the most thoroughly entertaining bit of information that I've ever seen on this website (&t.f., the internet), though.

[Anonymous No.3830399]

>>3830328
I...I can't. I don't want to believe that this actually happened.

[Anonymous No.3830423]

>>3830328
Yeuch.

[Anonymous No.3830433]

anyone have the one with beer pong bet and cheating girlfriend?

[Anonymous No.3830510]

>>3830328
this is such a classic alpha competitor/friendzone story. A good lesson for us all.

[Anonymous No.3830523]

>>3830328
Pretty scary, I'm in the first section of that post lifewise right now, same religion and everything...
Do they have cute girls on purpose to lure guys? I've seen them in two different countries and its a cute girl that comes to the door each time.

[Anonymous No.3830529]

>>3830328
This is the kind of thing that'll go down in history from our era. The plot twists, crushing sadness and ultimate hope that come out of it are better than a novel, and it's barely longer than a poem, plus totally readable.
If you want great literature, look here.

[Anonymous No.3830568]

>>3830321
There is no such thing as justice in this world.

[Anonymous No.3830642]

I don't even remember what I used to do on /b/.

[Anonymous No.3830653]

>>3827484
Stop abusing the email function

[Anonymous No.3830703]

>>3830328
why the fuck would you do that

[Anonymous No.3830714]

>>3830703

[Anonymous No.3830727]

>>3830328

oh wow, 9/10. as cliche as I expected it to be, except but still told so well.

they should make a movie out of this

[Anonymous No.3830756]

[Anonymous No.3830760]

>>3830321
I hope sincerely that this is fake.

[Anonymous No.3830765]

>>3830321
:( why

[Anonymous No.3830766]

>>3830328
Fuck, this can't be real.

[Anonymous No.3830767]

[Anonymous No.3830768]

>>3830328
No that is just boring as all fuck

[Anonymous No.3830773]

>>>3830772

>The professor was visibly shaken, and dropped his chalk and copy of On Grammatology. He stormed out of the room crying those ironic post-modern crocodile tears. There is no doubt that at this point our professor, Michel Foucault, wished he had pulled himself up by his bootstraps and become more than an AIDS ridden sadomasochist interested in fisting. He wished so much that he had some kind of truth to hold on to, but he himself had written to disprove it!

>The students applauded and all rolled into American universities that day and accepted Wittgenstein as the end of philosophy. An eagle named “Formal logic” flew into the room and perched atop the copy of "Principa Mathematica" and shed a tear on the hardcover. The last sentence of "Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus" was read several times, and Karl Popper himself showed up and demonstrated how dialectics is nothing but a means of justifying contradictions.

The professor lost his tenure and was fired the next day. He died of the gay plague AIDS and his "books" were disregarded for all eternity.

[Anonymous No.3830772]

>A marxist post-structuralist continental Ecole Normale Supérieure professor and feminist activist was teaching a class on Martin Heidegger, known hermeneuticist.

>”Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship Nietzsche and accept that his genealogical method was the most highly-evolved theory the continent has ever known, even greater than Hegel's dialectics!”

>At this moment, a brave, rational, positivist analytic philosopher who had read more than 15000 pages of Popper and Wittgenstein and understood the raison d'être of empiricism and fully supported all modern hard sciences stood up and held up the constitution.

>”How universal is this text, frenchfag?"

>The arrogant professor smirked quite Jewishly and smugly replied “It's not universal at all, fucking positivist, its 'truth' is rooted in our shared understandings about culture, the subject and the nexus of power and knowledge”

>”Wrong. It’s been 225 years since human reason created it. If it was not universal, and post-modern relativism, as you say, is real… then it should be regarded as a myth now”

[Anonymous No.3830776]

>>3830756
That one really is the best.

[Anonymous No.3830777]

>be me, 20yo white ciswoman
>it's dark
>I'm alone
>walk into restaurant
>its suddenly silent
>everyone's looking at me
>I see a pack of cismale waiters looking at me
>I make eye contact with the tallest
>He knows, I know, he knows I know
>cismales begin breathing heavily, panting as I stand like a deer in headlights
>I can't move, trapped by his oppressive gaze
>the pack begins beating their chests and howling to establish their dominance
>I know I am their prize and there is nothing I can do
>As the pheromones of the aroused males take control of the room, the howling dies down to panting and moaning as the tall waiter establishes dominance through his lustful roaring and chest thumping
>I chose him and he chose me
>the competition over, he steps forward to claim me, but I cannot flee from his urgency
>an old gypsy woman shrieks and gnashes her teeth, flailing on the ground between me and my rapist
>in an act of solidarity, the older women cry out, speaking in tongues and shrieking to the night
>this whips the beta cismales into a frenzy of whooping and howling as they become engorged from female sorrow
>'harlot' - 'whore of Babylon' - 'Delilah' - 'Jezebel', the chorus of lust rings out, hissing and accusing and beseeching
>the waiter steps over the gypsy woman without looking at her
>the males begin to climax, one by one, their hips gyrating rhymithically, forcing the women to do the same despite their wailing
>the waiter looks at me
>'table for one?' he asks
>'y-yes please' I reply
>all is silent apart from quiet sobs and some post ritual panting
>'no need to thank me' he says
>he grins, raping me with his eyes
>'it will be my privilege'

[Anonymous No.3830779]

>>3827931
/pol/ sucks, /sp/ are the real kings of greentext.

[Anonymous No.3830783]

>>3830779

it's true.

>Be a kid
>My mum is a complete fucking slut
>Shagging men left right and centre, never sticking to one man for too long, although most of them give her a good amount of orgasms
>First man is shaky Italian fella, nice enough but always cums just before she can
>Second guy is the best, a nice Iberian man, very good looking, gives her orgasms so loud I can wank to them from downstairs, he loves me and buys me McDonalds Happy Meals and makes me glad
>He and my mum break up on good terms out of the blue
>Soon as I know it she has a Jewish man, he is just there to be a fuck buddy for a while though he almost makes her squirt for the first time but misses her clit on the vital thrust
>She gets a new boyfriend, nice Brazilian man, want him to do well but can hear him panting out of breath during sex
>Dumps him for cold but nice Dutch man, gives her one orgasm but he is only on holiday and leaves
>Next boyfriend is Italian hunk
>Fucks her good
>Eventually she dumps him a little unfairly
>Getting tired of all these men, want her to settle down. She finds a nice Portguese man
>He seems good in bed at first but I can hear him through the walls struggling moaning 'Grrhhhr emotionally and autophyicratically I will make you cum within reach of the timeframe' and other stuff I can't understand, she doesn't cum and he is dumped after refusing to use her favourite old dildos and using one with an ugly monobrow instead
>She asks old husband to come back
>He makes her cum harder than she ever has
>I love him, he loves me
>Months later she dumps him for no reason
>Forces me to accept a fat ugly Spanish man who used to date my bully
>He doesn't even try in bed and she still keeps him around
>Now people are calling me a bad person for getting into arguments with him
>tfw

[Anonymous No.3830784]

>>3830328
Holy shit that's amazing

[Anonymous No.3830786]

>>3830783

i'm fucking positive this is by the same guy who used to write shittons of gay porn about everyone at Chelsea. its mostly not greentext yet the stylistic elements are unmistakable. i'm gonna go find them, brb

[Anonymous No.3830787]

>>3830767
Unpleasant

[Anonymous No.3830788]

>>3830767
This is good.

[Anonymous No.3830790]

>>3830786

Aha, here we go

As Eden Hazard rolled over next to Eva she looked into his slightly arrogant yet aroused eyes and said ‘That was OK, I suppose. Although the new transfer policy of signing small, tiny white people rather than large dominant black men is almost certainly going to leave me unfulfilled. At times there you filled me about as well as Andy Carroll fills his boots, even against shit teams’. Eden looked back at her and said ‘Well, my brother is better than I am’. The thought of his brother instantly got him aroused. They had not had sexual intercourse or sexual contact with one another for years, not since they were children and touched willy’s out of sexual curiosity. Back then, Eden had a much larger penis than Thorgan, but he was curious, he had to know if things had changed.
Eden, fuelled by both the urge to see his brother and the humiliation of not being able to satisfy Eva, rushed home to the apartment he and Thorgan share. On his way up the stairs, he remembered the soft, delicate appearance of Thorgans arsehole the time he saw it as his brother exited the shower. Brown, soft and covered in white baby powder, it looked almost like an Indian Scarface, who had just finished a cocaine binge. He trembled with anticipation. He felt very horny and already knew what he was going to do with his brother. Nothing could stop it. It was a Thorgan conclusion.

[Anonymous No.3830791]

>>3830790

He walked into the front room where his brother was watching television, Thorgan turned to look at him. Hazard looked at him with puppy dog eyes so similar to the real thing that if Park Ji Sung were in the room he would be very hungry indeed. ‘Whats wrong brother?’ inquired Thorgan. Hazard looked back to his brother and let out a sigh ‘I had sex with Eva, and she did not orgasm, she was unsatisfied.’ Thorgan immediately lept to his feet and began to comfort his brother. ‘Brother,’ he bemoaned ‘It is normal for this. Sex in England is much more physical and not everyone can adapt right away. The pace is quicker and you must bulk up in order to make the women here orgasm.’ The mere sound of Thorgan discussing sexual intercourse caused Eden to become uncontrollably horny, and his penis became staggeringly erect in an instant. Thorgan noticed this and began to unwrap Eden’s penis. He then looked at it, standing firm, and whispered ‘Eden Hazard will flop they said’, before starting to slowly unbutton his shirt.

Hazard took Hazards penis in his mouth, making sure to avoid the choking Hazard bought on by the Hazardous liquids leaking from Hazards hardening penis. Hazard looked at Hazard and Hazard said to Hazard ‘Oh Hazard, I know there is a Hazard that Mrs Hazard could walk in and say Hazard and Hazard, what are you doing, but I don’t care Hazard’. Hazard looked back at Hazard and said ‘Hazard I agree. We Hazards are together forever’. Hazard flipped Hazard over causing Hazardous semen to leak from Hazards penis onto the floor, causing a slipping Hazard that Hazard and Hazard would have to be careful off. Hazard began pumping Hazard, causing Hazard to begin moaning ‘Oh Hazard, give me your choking Hazard, this Hazard likes the feeling of Hazard inside of him!’. Hazard ejaculated more of his fluid onto the floor and moaned to Hazard ‘Oooh Hazard, that will be a slipping Hazard and Hazard Hazard Hazard Hazard!’.

[Anonymous No.3830792]

[Anonymous No.3830800]

>>3830767
Edgy

[Anonymous No.3830802]

>be 21~ year old white middle class or upper middle class beta male
>have mild depression at not being more popular and charismatic in spite of my overinflated sense of self-worth and just slightly above average intelligence
>compensate for it by devoting my life to criticizing people on the safe haven of the internet, where they can't effortlessly disregard me as a low status social reject
>gradually evolve from youtube comments and atheist blogs to criticizing other internet social critics, on literature forums and in my circle of spergin friends
>go into humanities degree that has the perfect mix of an easy curriculum and the nebulous, vague pretense of cultural sophistication
>lie to myself that postgraduate studies are my ultimate goal despite having no real plan B after attaining my worthless undergraduate degree (that my prole pleb family and social peers still fail to respect or care about)
>spend free time lurking literature enthusiasts' forums and websites that i claim to detest, 99% of whose users have non-academic jobs and active social lives, so that i can glean evidence of their dilettantism and report back to my fellow spergers, whereupon we will sup on their uninformed opinions and interests like manna from heaven
>marry a heifer in my late 20s or early 30s and imperceptibly forget about my stunted manchild dreams of academic auctoritas
>struggle to find authenticity in the life of an unambitious intellectual civilian, never quite realizing my reactionary superego fully encompassed my ego long ago
>spend the rest of my existence only dimly, unconsciously aware of the still living ember of narcissistic compensatory delusion, submerged in my soul like a red hot coal at the bottom of a lake, but still burning
>always burning

[Anonymous No.3830804]

>>3830792
I'd sue.

[Anonymous No.3830806]

>>3830804

And lose.

[Anonymous No.3830807]

>>3830804
>sue your D.I. for feeding you cauliflower
Fucking what?

[Anonymous No.3830813]

>>3830767
Sounds like they deserve each other.

[Anonymous No.3830814]

>>3830807
>>3830806
Force-feeding is against the law. Prisoners can't even be force-fed. If your employer force-feeds you, you sue. If you don't want to eat something, you don't eat it.

[Anonymous No.3830817]

>>3830814
Nigga, what the fuck are you smoking?

[Anonymous No.3830822]

[Anonymous No.3830824]

[Anonymous No.3830825]

>>3827882
Ah, that was the one with the chinstrap fedora. One of the funniest things I've ever read on 4chan. It's in the archive somewhere, I'll dig it up

[Anonymous No.3830830]

>>3830321
It sounds like the kind of thing that's fake. Welp, breaks my heart if it isn't. Flowers For Algernon made my heart shatter whenever I see someone with a disability, physical or otherwise, getting abused.

[Anonymous No.3830833]

There was one about a teenage methhead recovering in some island, I regret not cappin' it now.

[Anonymous No.3830856]

>>3830783
Genius. Who knew Chelsea fans know how to use metaphors.

[Anonymous No.3830866]

>>3830814
#america

[Anonymous No.3830872]

>>3830856
The second one is genuinely hilarious though.

>>3830791
>began to unwrap Eden’s penis. He then looked at it, standing firm, and whispered ‘Eden Hazard will flop they said

[Anonymous No.3830954]

[Anonymous No.3830990]

Not greentext.

[Anonymous No.3831009]

does anyone have the /pol/ one that is in the future and the OP lives in a PC super liberal unsexed world with his "parental unit" or something like that

[Anonymous No.3831013]

>>3830990
>11-12
>able to into impromptu anal
>all of them able to blow loads

Yeah right, pedo.

[Anonymous No.3831051]

[Anonymous No.3831073]

[Anonymous No.3831127]

This might be the only greentext story I've ever saved.

>sitting at my local 'fair trade" coffee roasting house
>trying to cross-reference three different translations of The Possessed
>a girl wearing hot pink shorts with black tights sits down next to me, shoves books off the table
>I, incredulous to what has just happened, ask her why she would do such a thing
>she tells me that she wants to make our first encounter "out of the ordinary" as she is an "extraordinary" girl
>continues to tell me that I'm lucky indeed; she's seen something special in me, she feels a kinship towards me
>she cocks her head to the side and asks if I, like her, read the Animorphs books as a child
>Look. I think you have misunderstood me. Just because I read books in public (although you will note I did take this high-backed booth in the corner of the shoppe for reasons of anonymity and seclusion; my flatmates are rather noisy and I come here for respite and succor) doesn't mean that, like you, I seek attention or recognition for my interests.
>she asks me if that's a quote, she loves quotes, one of her favorites is Vonnegut's "so it went"
>I flag down a barista and ask her for a copy of my receipt, and to put the expenses on my tab
>I knit my eyebrows and address Strawberry Shortcake: We are not the same. I am a literatus, you're a mythological beast.
>I pack my books into my courier bag and exit the shoppe as her grotesque unicorns horn extends from her forehead, tears in her eyes as she returns to the sylvan beyond

[Anonymous No.3832246]

>>3830954
More like this

[Anonymous No.3832264]

>>3831051

[Anonymous No.3832299]

>>3831073
I've read it five times now. I don't get it...

[Anonymous No.3832300]

>>3832299
His sister is blind and she wishes to see him, he is sad.

[Anonymous No.3832320]

>>3832300
I thought it was a dirty joke. something about her ass in his face, I don't know

[Anonymous No.3832355]

>>3831051

[Anonymous No.3832380]

and >sittting a ronin stun Dear, readegin finnegans awake
>acute hipstergirl encroaches me
>stark tremblin' afeard
>Ahoy ured finagalings Quake question lisitany good question
>eye-eye think Hewell find finiginsuayke trans-incense theN ormandy goodab dyke a(ctually)natomy
>sea shells she sellsn't oversit
>insulllfate con mirth
>cafe Sprite de mis nosetrils, sa slong single strand sof /sp/ag GET.
>pAnakin! gET dOwn! I swiftlipool tableclothe. Tomb I know simbol ow.
>Moral: /sp/ag GET. fall out boy.
>Trite Toque. Cachet. Shit. Tall. Jeremy Lin. Federal (G-Men hate) butt-i quickly understops
>Thug Earlsssssssss raring me in Horrah. The horrah. The horrah
>Flavouir Ice Stand! Upkno,,cking my chair over, et Sprint towards le door.
>Pert on 1 stringSSSSSSSSS of spaghetti twas hat danglin' de me narise.
>tt I crash to le floor un wet bubble de Bolognese sources capes from my Bu
>.........................editor i had left some puncjewation owt off my furst edition please feel free to salt and peppet as you wish to tatse
>attept toucan sand Ass lip onamonameatball tha thas ruled ute ufe mi trooser loog.
>"Bye!" Know Ebony won Iceland (-ing!) Hysterectomy!
>I try tie explie thie openie sentie Fi Ni Guy Why bye my my Sigh fi fi spaghettye
>starthrowg un cunt role able y!
>thespian ghetto praws fsleif acircle mi neck.
>Cunt breath.
>beg four help Ass know won can heremoi sur there LMFAO.
>be four dye Ying-Yan comma Mike Ma cunt fessessionalslast
>eye haff k N.O.I.D. wuts going gi[n]g go[in]g fake win again
>todo es Dark Ness.
>mon visage qu

[Anonymous No.3832420]

>>3830830

Well, that and katawa shoujo

[Anonymous No.3832436]

>>3832380
JK Rowling, is that you?

[Anonymous No.3832467]

>>3831127
What a stupid pun

[Anonymous No.3832509]

>>3830804
'MURRICA

[Anonymous No.3832530]

>>3830714
i do feel
but i think, too

[Anonymous No.3832564]

From the goldmines of /lgbt/

[Anonymous No.3832575]

slug wrasslin

[Anonymous No.3832587]

Epic cringe from /trv/ (Travel)

[Anonymous No.3832586]

>>3830990
Whaaaaaat the fuuuuuuck

[Anonymous No.3832588]

>eating burger
>hot chick beside me
>she says "wanna eat some of my burger?"
>she whispers in my ear: "I meant vagina"
>I just stutter and follow her into bathroom
>she unzips her pants
>inside pants is a gun
>"youre under arrest for trying to eat vaginas!"
>start crying

[Anonymous No.3832589]

>>3832575
it's shit like this that makes me love this website

[Anonymous No.3832591]

Not sure if the "7 bong" one has been posted.

[Anonymous No.3832597]

>>3830830

> Flowers For Algernon made my heart shatter whenever I see someone with a disability, physical or otherwise, getting abused.

Whenever I feel overwhelmed with empathy for cripples, I re-read Stoner. That evens things out.

[Anonymous No.3832609]

>>3832587
Dear god.

[Anonymous No.3832620]

>>3832380
This one is my fav thanks for posting

[Anonymous No.3832630]

>>3830954
Laughed at this. It's like DFW except a lot stupider and more immature/meme based.

[Anonymous No.3832634]

>>3831013
muh suspension of disbelief

[Anonymous No.3832636]

>>3830802
Good lord did that hit close to home.

[Anonymous No.3832639]

>no guy who masturbated to words in the dictionary
step up /lit/

[Anonymous No.3832640]

>>3832564
>potato nigger mick dick

[Anonymous No.3832660]

>>3830814
He's not force-feeding him. The recruit could have dropped his tray and said "fuck off". He might have gotten yelled out, but no real consequences.

[Anonymous No.3832673]

>>3830990
This made me wish I was a young gay boy scout.

[Anonymous No.3832691]

I remember reading a greentext on the old /r9k/ about this guy who was slowly poisoning his girlfriend to make her blind. It was a total fabrication of some control/caretaker fantasy, but it was extremely well documented and detailed, and he spent a whole thread replying to it and talking with people. Makes me wish I'd saved it.

[Anonymous No.3832732]

>>3830523
>Do they have cute girls on purpose to lure guys? I've seen them in two different countries and its a cute girl that comes to the door each time.
I can confirm this in Mexico in all three cities I've lived in. I currently have the hots for one. That's the only reason I invite them to come inside the house

[Anonymous No.3832738]

>>3832530
>but i thi
that only means you don't feel enough, bro. surrender to the feels

[Anonymous No.3832743]

It doesn't get any better

[Anonymous No.3832746]

I'm not sure what these say, but I'm going to post them anyway.

[Anonymous No.3832747]

[Anonymous No.3832752]

[Anonymous No.3832755]

I saw this on /out/ the other day.

[Anonymous No.3832763]

[Anonymous No.3832773]

[Anonymous No.3832781]

>>3832755

>started crying because it scared me

lololol

[Anonymous No.3832812]

>>3830328
/fit/ truly is one of the best boards

[Anonymous No.3832823]

>>3830347
>>3830321

This is as edgy as it gets

[Anonymous No.3832828]

>>3830802
too close to home
too near the bone

[Anonymous No.3832834]

>>3830990
I have an erection from this. Time to kill myself.

[Anonymous No.3832840]

>>3830954
>Every time bus pulls into stop everyone claps

my sidessss

[Anonymous No.3832906]

>>3830321
i read this back when it was posted.
funny to see it again.

[Anonymous No.3832964]

>>3830328
now that's a beta story

[Anonymous No.3832971]

>>3832752
all of 4chan's angst summed up pretty nicely, I would say.

[Anonymous No.3832974]

MOAR

[Anonymous No.3832977]

>>3830990

Goddammit...

[Anonymous No.3832979]

Does anyone know where I could go about reading more of these? Are they on 4chanarchive, maybe?

I generally only frequent /lit/ and a couple smaller boards but the mix of over-the-top ironic meme babble and bizarre, socially awkward humour of these is proving highly entertaining.

[Anonymous No.3832985]

this is more /mu/, but:
>staring at some girls before a lecture at university
>hear them talk about music
>one girl seems not to be a pleb, likes NMH and has an interesting taste
>decide to attempt to engage in an intellectual, patrician conversation with her
>she is sitting with her friends outside the library cafeteria having some plebeian drink, probably tea
>somewhat nervous, usually don't go within 15 feet of plebeians
>employ my courage-walking style, flinging my legs everywhere to portray superiority
>"if she's not a plebeian, she won't have anything against me speaking latin" I think to myself
>as I introduce myself as a patrician nobility, they interrupt me
>"tempus morendi, pathicus!" they yell at me
>it was a set-up all along
>suddenly, speakers are playing skrillex
>overcome by plebeianity, I start hyperventilating
>cry for help as my voice fails me, all I can muster are high pitched gasps
>place a spare pair of roman sandals on my hands as I flee the scene
>plebeian mob chasing me, I can hear nickelback playing
>nearby plebeians pick up on whats happening, throws coldplay records at me
>one CD hits my leg, I trip
>quickly recover as my shoed hands hit the ground
>employ spider walk, increasing my run speed
>laugh to myself as the plebeians give up, patrician victory once again
>pull out mp3 player
>enjoy NMH as I devour my specially manufactured laurel wreath spaghetti crown

[Anonymous No.3832987]

>>3832979
/v/ is all this, all the time. Beware though, most of the greentexts are just plain bad. Like, 90%

[Anonymous No.3832989]

>>3832985
Me:
>Mom, did you buy me pizzas yet?

Mom:
>Of course not.

Me:
>Mom, the least you could do for me would just go buy some pizzas!

Mom:
>Then I am the lazy one, huh? And not my faggot son that—

Me:
>Mom, stop that, please. I hate when you speak like that.

Mom:
>Shut up! A faggot that stays all day on the computer doing god knows what and—

Me:
>Mom, stop! Please.

Mom:
>And suck the penis of our dog!

Me:
>Mom, what!? I wouldn't do that! That's disgusting!

Mom:
>So you think that I don't know? Do you think that I'm stupid?

Guys, how do I make my mother stop thinking that I suck dog cock? I think that nothing I say will make her believe I'm a decent person.

[Anonymous No.3832993]

>>3832979
/r9k/ if you're willing to sift through the endless misogyny. /s4s/ if you willing to sift through the top kek.

[Anonymous No.3833011]

[Anonymous No.3833065]

>>3827875
Post 'em

[Anonymous No.3833067]

>>3833065

http://lmgtfy.com/?q=Roemer+Saga

sorry

[Anonymous No.3833072]

I wish I had some pics saved, but /ck/ can have some really good greentext stories, oddly. Generally they're about cooking/restaurant/job stories, lots about moldy food, and even more about terrible roommates and shit. Most are great.

[Anonymous No.3833086]

>>3830767
haha that's fantastic

[Anonymous No.3833087]

>>3833072
>go on /lit/
>greentext thread
>guy from /ck/ talks up his board's copypasta
>it sounds intriguing
>he doesn't deliver

[Anonymous No.3833563]

>>3832979
Here is an anthology of /lit/'s best greentext stories: http://fuuka.warosu.org/lit/thread/S3732405

Includes the "I think you'll find that Finnegans Wake transcends the good-bad dichotomy, actually" one and the "I always knew you would be the one to take my cherry" one.

[Anonymous No.3833781]

>>3833563
This is spectacular. Thank you.

[Anonymous No.3834315]

Bump. This thread can't die.

[Anonymous No.3834330]

>>3834315
it wasn't going to. welcome to /lit/, where the thread will always be there tomorrow

[Anonymous No.3834392]

>>3833065
The full story is way too big for a 4chan image and I don't have it in parts, so this funnyjunk will have to do:

http://www.funnyjunk.com/channel/4chan/Roemer+-+The+Complete+Saga/lBRNGyO/

[Anonymous No.3834405]

Saw this on /mu/, wasn't sure if it was old /lit/ pasta, but I screencapped it anyway.

[Anonymous No.3834419]

I have this one courtesy of /pol/...

>Year 2050
>The leftists finally achieved their utopia
>All white males must wear privilidge checking devices 24/7
>All white males must give 50% of their earnings in privilidge tax to poor opressed womyn
>All white males must take monthly estrogen shots
>All of congress is black transgendered womyn
>Going to get monthly estrogen shot
>See a gang of niggers attacking a beautiful east aryan womyn
>Run over and fight off niggers
>East aryan womyn thanks me
>I tell her to run before the privilidge police show up
>She has no where to go
>I take her with me
>Get back to my apartment
>Make hot, passionate love with her
>She asks me to marry her
>Agree without hesitation
>50% earnings tax goes away because I'm married to an oppressed womyn
>Use extra money to go on vacation with her
>Go to paris with her
>Take picture infront of the privilidge tower
>No longer forced to take estrogen shots aslong as she files monthly reports saying she gives them to me
>Life starting to look up

[Anonymous No.3834421]

>>3834419

>Shady figure standing outside my apartment
>Think nothing of it
>Go inside
>See piece of paper with legal writing on it
>Wife has been arrested and forced to spend rest of her life appeasing minorities (which have now become majority)
>Look through apartment frantically
>Get to bathroom
>See pregnancy tester on floor
>Tests possitive
>Fall down to floor crying
>All of the sudden my apartment door is busted in
>It's the privilidge police
>I'm placed under arrest for hate crimes against the niggers I fought off and not taking my estrogen shots
>Tell them I'll come peacefully but I just need to put away some things first
>Head over to my desk and see the picture of me with my wife
>Tear up a bit
>Take picture and put it in my pocket
>Remember I have a gun taped under my desk from when guns were still legal
>Pull out gun and shoot the privilidge police
>Entire apartment complex goes into panic
>More police will show up soon
>"Oh no, my life is over" I thought
>Just then I remembered that guns have been banned for police aswell
>Grab extra ammo and head down the stairs
>Police are here already
>Police are all niggers
>Police tell me that this is a crime scene and I need to get out of here before I tamper with evidence or something
>YES I thought to myself. Niggers really are stupid

[Anonymous No.3834422]

>>3834421

>Run out of apartment complex and into street
>It had just started to storm
>Hard rain soon drenched me
>I went down to the local jail and asked if she was there
>"She was just sent to City 17" The mean bitch behind the counter said "Only the worst criminals go there"
>My heart sank
>I took the train to City 17
>It was a long ride. The seats were hard and all the other people on the train looked like they wanted to kill me
>A nigger womyn approaches me and says "Yo, cracka! Hoo da fuqq yoo thank yoo is?"
>"I-I'm no one..." I responded in a gentle tone
>She is visibly angered
>She says to me "FO HUNDRED YEAS O' SLAYVREE AND DIS BE HOW YOO 'POLUHGIZE?"
>"I never did anything wrong to you, ma'am" I said, getting annoyed
>"Now you gon' get cho privilidge checked" she said
>She starts attacking me and I can't defend myself
>The feminazis had passed a law making it only illegal for a man to hit a womyn, even in self defence, but legal for a womyn to hit a man if she FEELS like it
>I don't have time for this
>I pull out my gun and end her pathetic life
>Everyone on the train panics
>We just began passing through what remained of the north west front
>The white man's last hope
>It was all in ruins from what I only know as the "Nuclear war against womyn's rights"
>I quickly jumped out of the train
>Seeing the remains of a house I ran inside it
>There were pictures everywhere
>They were all pictures of a white man and his white family
>Dark. Scary. Those words I'd use to describe it.
>I found a type writed and a bunch of paper with strange writings on it
>"December 21 2012. They raided the house today... Took my wife and kids.... Told me I was oppressing them. They sent them to re-education camps. I'll never see them again."

[Anonymous No.3834424]

>>3834422

>Just then I saw the privilidge army approaching from a distance
>This is it
>This will be how I die
>I ran downstairs and hid from the army
>Unable to control it anymore, I began to cry
>I wished it all away
>Just then I heard footsteps
>It wasn't the privilidge army....It was....

>It was some fatass neckbeard
>He pulled me down into this secret room
>There was a whole army of fatass neckbeards
>They said they needed all the help they could get
>I asked them what this place was
>The man who dragged me in simply said "/pol/"
>That name...Somehow familiar to me
>He said they had teamed up with a group called "/k/" and that they supplied all the arms they needed
>They were planning on starting a revolution but needed help from the outside people whom they referred to as "casuals"

[Anonymous No.3834426]

>>3834424

>I was a "casual" to them, so they needed my help
>They told me they needed me because my privilidge checker allowed me to seamlessly blend in
>I told them I'd help them on one condition
>They had to help me get my wife back
>I explained the situation to them in full color
>The neckbeard who brought me in said he needed to talk this over with his leader
>The leaders name? Brievik....
>This name was familiar to me
>I was taught to hate this man for no other reason than he had "Ideas"
>He came to greet me personally
>I asked him if he would help me save my wife
>He gave me his aryan word that he would help me if I would join their cause
>There was no initiation, only giving your word as an aryan man, which is stronger than any promise you could ever make
>I gave my word and he gave me his
>Immediately afterwards their team of hackers found where my wife was located
>She was unharmed in the waiting cells
>They told she only had 3 hours before the re-education began
>Once again, my heart sank but Breivik told me not to worry
>He gave his word....

[Anonymous No.3834430]

>>3834426

>Breivik says to me "First we will save your wife, but then you must help us save the world"
>I thank him profusely
>We ride out in the desert that was once the white bastion of hope.
>We're in a traditional american vehicle...I think it's called the hummer
>Once we get close to the city I'm gonna have to drive to avoid setting off privilidge warnings
>It takes us an hour to get into the city limits
>Now it's my turn to drive
>I've never driven a car before because they were made illegal after a strong independent transgendered black person was hit by a parked one
>I fell inlove with the experience of driving immediately
>It was almost like instinct, driving that car. Like it was in my american blood
>We get to the privilidge scanner of the city
>I have to swipe my privilidge device on the scanner
>It goes off and warns me that if I don't get my estrogen shots within a week I will be jailed
>We continue inside the city
>The streets are ghastly. Small. Old.
>And there it was
>The biggest building in the city
>It was called "Crime and Punishment"
>Just then breivik called us on the radio
>"You have little time to get your wife, drive through the building, get her in and then get yourselves out
>My heart started pumping battery acid
>For the last time I felt fear

[Anonymous No.3834431]

>>3834430

>The hummer was heavily armored
>It was built for driving in the roughest conditions in the harshest of wars
>The ban on guns was universal
>even soldiers weren't allowed to carry firearms
>Just then a police womyn knocks on my window and reminds me that driving cars is illegal
>I can't believe we went unnoticed for so long
>I let down my window without thinking and put a bullet in her head
>She fell. Lifeless.
>I put the pedal to the floor and the "Hummer" Went flying right up the stairs
>The automatic engaging diff was going on and off because of the unusual terrain
>Still handled like a champ though
>The shocks took all the punishment off flying up the stairs at a staggering "30mph" according to the speedometer
>Slowly we picked up speed and rammed through the grand front doors and through a cheaply made wall, past a claims counter and into the security area
>We hit several guards on the way in. I kept it secret that I enjoyed their deaths
>My wife was surprisingly in the first cell of the area
>We couldn't get the door off in a reasonable amount of time so we just smashed through it
>I realize now that it was a bad idea. She was crying from fear when we got to her
>After seeing me step out of the car her tears went away though
>I helped her onto the truck and then a more experienced driver took the wheel while I comforted my wife
>She truly loved me and I her

[Anonymous No.3834433]

>>3834431

>I finally learned why the "Hummer" was so unpopular
>It ran out of gas by the time we hit the desert
>Cops on bikes and potentially an army after us soon we radioed in Breivik
>He was shocked because the "Hummer" Had a 100 gallon tank that was full before we left
>He had already sent out reinforcements before we called incase of an emergency
>Before we new it, there was a giant flying machine over our heads
>It let down a ladder for us
>Breivik wasn't too happy about us leaving the hummer but he knew we didn't have a choice
>The "Estrogen Army" as the odd group /k/ called it was closing in on us
>We got on the flying machine before they reached us, but one of the men was given an estrogen shot
>He'd be fine though. Just a little weak for a while
>We had to be dropped off at another location to avoid being discovered
>It was a big machine in the sky so it was hard to miss
>Instead we were dropped off 100 miles north of the area
>We were on a mountain. It was cold. And the sun was setting fast.
>Breivik called in again
>He asked to speak to my wife for a while. Alone.
>I knew what he was gonna say
>He was gonna tell her that I had to fight for freedoms now. I could hear her crying.
>She came up to me after they finished talking. In tears, ofcourse.
>Breivik was sending out a task force to take me to a top secret base where I'd be filled in on the details, trained, and then sent off on some crazy mission that had a calculated success rate of 41.08%
>But I felt fear no more. Knowing what I had to lose and what I had to gain...
>My wife and child's future. The future of every other man who wanted freedom depended on me
>I held her one last time

[Anonymous No.3834434]

>>3834433

>I had to be blindfolded on the trip there just incase I was captured
>They were taking no risks.
>I do remember being on an elevator
>It was fairly large and went down for atleast a mile
>After they took the blindfolds off they put me in this apartment with three other people. People like me. They had the latest privilidge checkers and all. They looked me in the eye and I them
>We all knew each other immediately
>What we had seen
>What we were willing to do
>One of them approached me with a bag of clothes in his hand. Folded. Neatly.
>His name- callsign was Aussie
>We weren't allowed names anymore
>The two others were Royal and Doc
>"We'll be briefed soon. You should put your uniform on" Said Aussie
>I went to my room in the apartment
>It had it's own personal shower with warm water and everything
>After I finished my shower these speakers played some sort of russian music followed by a man telling all class A-2 persons to meet in the briefing room

>As I walk out of the apartment up the stairs a feeling of confidence overtook me
>My training begins today I thought
>I remembered my wife and my soon to be child
>I remembered all the pain these...These COMMUNISTS and...and LIBERALS caused me and everyone around them
>My feet trembled
>Open the door
>Get on the floor
>Everybody walk the dinosaur

[Anonymous No.3834452]

>>3830321
oww my heart

[Anonymous No.3834885]

>>3834434
>Hitler 2.0?
Are you trying to get the thread deleted?
>i don't like this thread so i will post /pol/ propaganda
Seems legit.

[Anonymous No.3834998]

>>3832989
you do realize you can order a pizza and they'll deliver it to your house, right?

[Anonymous No.3835045]

[Screwtape !!tdBUE9PLvpz No.3835049]

>>3834885
/pol/ has a lot of greentext so it's sort of appropriate, but they're all incredibly terrible; it's inevitably just a string of
>womyn
>feminazis
>privilege
>[ebonics]
and someone running from totalitarian police in a randumb XD way
for people who like Schopenhauer so much, they don't have a very good grasp on wit

[Anonymous No.3835060]

>>3835049
Witty is a quality I never thought I'd see attributed to Schopenhauer. The man had all the charm of a cement block.

[Anonymous No.3835064]

>>3830328
>2013
>not realizing that calling other guys douches makes women more attracted to them

confirmed for nogame

[Anonymous No.3835066]

>>3835049
This has got to be my favorite greentext, if true. Goddamn I hope it's true.

[Anonymous No.3835105]

>>3835049
the musketeer thing was from /tg/, wasn't it?
or was it just posted there a lot?
either way it's a great story

[Screwtape !!tdBUE9PLvpz No.3835132]

>>3835060
Schopenhauer had some theories on humor about wit being a way of making the target ludicrous by exposing their incongruity (which someone might say the /pol/ greentext does but frankly it's more often just "lol privilege is a concept I don't like, feminists are people I don't like," which I think Schoppy would call base humor or something but secondary sources are sketchy on this because apparently nobody cares about philosophy of humor)

that image is great, though, it just needs a ANTI-RACIST IS A CODEWORD FOR ANTI-WHITE WAKE UP SHEEPLE/PAJAMA PEOPLE/SLEEPWALKERS

this isn't exactly greentext and sort of /mu/ again but

[Screwtape !!tdBUE9PLvpz No.3835140]

>>3835105
yea, I don't know if it's from /tg/ but it seems like it's posted there a lot

early polan for genuine cultural enrichment

[Anonymous No.3835242]

>>3827441
i never understood this
what is this referencing

[Anonymous No.3835418]

>>3835140
For some inexplicable reason this tale greatly warms my heart.

[Anonymous No.3835420]

I enjoyed that dog rape sonnet. I don't have it with me though.

[Anonymous No.3835468]

>>3835418

The Universality of struggle?

[ElBuzzo !!lK1/Ms9RS7F No.3835553]

>>3830321
I have never wanted to kill anyone more then I want to kill this guy in my entire life.

[Anonymous No.3835557]

>>3835553
Yeah I really hope that never actually happened. If it did, that dude needs to get the shit kicked out of him repeatedly.

[Anonymous No.3835568]

Not exactly greentext, but do you guys remember that amazing bird poetry thread we had a long time ago? Anyone know how the first one went?

[Anonymous No.3835588]

>Be 21
>Girlfriend's 19
>Been dating for months now
>This guy named Joe comes out of fucking nowhere into my life
>He's my new coworker at my company
>Find out he has no money, no place of residence.
>Moved here for the job and can no longer afford his hotel
>Decide to open up to him
>Keep him in my apartment for weeks
>Bro is pretty cool
>We play the vidya, drinks beers, watch football
>This continues for months
>Afterwards, find out girlfriend is pregnant
>By all tradition, I have to marry her now.
>One night, eating out at dinner with wife
>Joe stayed late at the office for some overtime
>I pop the question to my wife
>She admits she was raped by Joe and the baby isn't mine
>She isn't ready to make a commitment after being violated
>Go home in a fucking rage.
>Throw out all Joe's shit
>Gonna fucking kill Joe when he gets home.
>Joe gets home about 1 a.m.
>As soon as he opens the door, I fucking punch him in his bastard face
>Eye swells up like a boll of cotton
>He swings at me
>Dodge and sweep his leg
>He falls down
>In a giant fucking rage now
>Go to my room, grab my handgun out of my drawer
>Go back to confront Joe
>Joe jumps in his car and fucking hightails it out of there
>I haven't seen or heard from him since
>On the phone a month later with my brother
>He finally asks why I've been so depressed
>I tell him that if it hadn't been for cotton-eye Joe
>I'd been married a long time ago
>Where did you come from, where did you go--
>Where did you come from, Cotton-Eye Joe?

[Anonymous No.3835596]

>>3830767

Wow. Simple but hilarious, real or not.

[Anonymous No.3835601]

>>3835049
Oh shit, I remember the thread that was originally posted in. Yeah, it was definitely on /tg/.

Also, the board with my favourite greentext stories is actually /cgl/.
Those weeaboos are crazy (and inspire the most cringing).

[Anonymous No.3835620]

>>3835588
>cotton-eye Joe
>my sides
LOL fuck you for having me read that.

[Anonymous No.3835652]

Enjoy.

[Anonymous No.3835660]

[Anonymous No.3835677]

>>3835660
I'm convinced that being sexually dominated by fat, repulsive girls is a secret fetish of a lot of cosplaying /a/nons...

[Anonymous No.3835683]

>>3830767
Fake story from a lonely virgin; not interesting.

[Anonymous No.3835686]

[Anonymous No.3835725]

>>3835049
I actually think /pol/ greentext is hilarious because I initially thought it was satire.

[Anonymous No.3835742]

I think /tg/ is actually the best at greentexting.

[Anonymous No.3835747]

Enlarging quotes of responses to greentext stories in the bottom of your image helps to generate interest in your picture.

[Anonymous No.3835755]

[Anonymous No.3835860]

>>3830328
Fucking Jehovah's Witnesses. I have an experience with them...

>two years ago
>saturday morning
>a couple friends come over to my apartment, tell me they have mescaline
>eagerly take some
>we sit around for a while watching trippy videos on YouTube and talking about existence
>doorbell rings
>two Jehovah's Witnesses at the door, one a young man and the other a cute girl
>in my affected state, she is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen
>her dress was white and greek, she wore flat sandals on her small brown feet, her pale gold hair was lank and long, her hips were a lyre, etc.
>let them in
>they sit on my couch and explode into fractals
>give us their spiel for what feels like hours
>in my mind they are the hands of God, revealing the truth of the universe to me
>their voices are sine waves wrapping the walls
>one of my friends is having none of it, keeps rambling about "fuckin' witch-doctors(?)"
>I start to cry because he is "spitting in God's face like a damn cobra"
>he leaves the room
>other friend is staring dumbly at the girl
>the Jehovah's Witnesses are noticeably shaken, can tell we're not with it
>they try to leave politely by pretending someone is calling
>remaining friend grabs the phone and throws it out the door
>tells the girl he wants to join the Church so he can marry her
>she turns bright red
>explodes into fractals again
>they give him all the documents he needs to join the Church
>leave out the door
>friend goes to the window and starts waving
>I cry again because, in my mind, God has forsaken us
>we eventually come down
>realize our other friend is missing
>find him at Black Bear Diner, still tripping, staring at his omelette
>drag him home
>leave him alone for ten minutes
>he tears up all the Jehovah's Witness documents and hurls them out the window
>gives an impassioned speech about witch-doctors corrupting us with promises of love, life, and beauty
>convinces LoverBoy to forget the girl
>the end

They never came back.

[Anonymous No.3835886]

Greentext stories: giving me and others like me the will to live every day.

[Anonymous No.3835889]

>>3835860
>watching trippy shit while tripping

Guys like you are the worst.

[Anonymous No.3835904]

So is this like the most posts a /lit/ thread has ever had?

[Anonymous No.3835907]

>>3835889
But it was this,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TqlVCKfX3hk

[Anonymous No.3835915]

>>3835907
You'd probably enjoy negativland.

[Anonymous No.3835918]

>>3835889
It was their idea. When I trip on my own I like to go outside and listen to music, but it was their mescaline so I figured I should give them a little sovereignty. They do that on everything though. Even when we smoke weed they like to find trippy videos and say "oh god man I can't handle this right now" even though they only smoked two bowls. They've been doing that since high school and we're in our early twenties now.

[Anonymous No.3835920]

>>3835915
I do enjoy Negativland, yes.

[Anonymous No.3835926]

>>3835904
You should have been here for Ve¡L. Some guy from Africa who wrote on his days in a militia. His posts were masterpieces and his threads often reach the 500 mark. The most beautiful writing ever posted here.

[Anonymous No.3835927]

>>3835920
Mesc's good stuff. Always a confusing but pleasant trip.

[Anonymous No.3835959]

>>3835927
Yup. I'm more partial to acid but that shit is hard to find.

[Anonymous No.3835967]

>be enrolled at local university
>be aspie with no friends throughout high school
>meet a guy in one of my lectures and we hit it off
>he invites me to a house party next weekend, be super excited to go to my first party
>next weekend rolls around, got ready super earlier so I could go to the liqour store and buy a bottle of wine
>text the dude asking where he is and he says he's busy and that he'll meet me at the party later and to go ahead without him
>show up to the party
>walk in, group of like 25-40 people, all staring at me wondering who the fuck I was
>stand by myself for a while waiting for my friend, eventually he stops returning my texts asking where he is
>try to talk to people and offer them my wine but nobody wanted any and was giving me weirded out looks
>get mad and say I;m just trying to be friendly really loud
>stand by myself so more, nobody will even tlak to me
>eventually a bunch of jock frat douches come and tell me to get out
>they follow me outside and start shoving me around, group of people start to crowd around us calling me a faggot and asking why I even showed up, some girl is getting in my face screaming her lungs out at me telling me to get the fuck off her property
>on the verge of tears, I yell for them to stop
>swing my bottle of wine around and accidentally hit the screaming girl in the head
>she crumples into a ball and everyone starts screaming
>I run to my car while people are chasing me and pulling my shirt
<drive off so fast that it made one of those burning out screeching noises like in the movies
>go to my bedroom and literally cry myself to sleep
>woke up a few hours ago and checked my phone to see that theres dozens of texts messages from my the guy who invited me to the party originally, asking me what the fuck happened last night and some numbers I don't recognized telling me that they're going to press charges against me
>mfw I never asked to be born in this fucking world

[Anonymous No.3835969]

>>3835959
Mesc isn't often available here.
You must not be looking in the right places.

[Anonymous No.3835979]

>>3835926
Any archive links?

[Anonymous No.3835998]

>>3835967
is this real? It's fucking hilarious

[Anonymous No.3836002]

>>3835967

[Anonymous No.3836008]

>>3835969
I live in a small desert town where San Pedro grows freely and any "acid" is actually 25i. I can only get real acid in the city, and even then it takes some work.

[Anonymous No.3836018]

>>3830767
funny, but fake and coming from a place of misogyny

[Anonymous No.3836038]

>>3832588
is this actually funny?
if not, why did I laugh so hard?

[Anonymous No.3836041]

>>3836018
>coming from a place of misogyny
yeah nah you don't know what words mean

[Anonymous No.3836072]

>>3834426
>>He gave me his aryan word that he would help me if I would join their cause
>>There was no initiation, only giving your word as an aryan man, which is stronger than any promise you could ever make
>>I gave my word and he gave me his
...and I just realised that this was an actual fantasy and not some tongue in cheek satire

[Anonymous No.3836078]

>the year is 2034
>it's been 10 years since atomic fire rained from the sky during the "Cis Wars"
>Emperor Obama has since decreed that every household must have at least one Xbox One
>wake up from the blaring alarms on my Xbox One telling me I need to get ready to work in the slop mills
>"Greetings Anon, heart rate seems normal, blood pressure stabilized, everything seems to be in order except... I've noticed that your daily amount of required ingested semen is below average. Are you refusing our glorious benevolence, Emperor Obama's gift of semen rations to you?"
>"N-No Xbox, its just I have just been a little ill from the chemical runoff in the water, not that I'm c-complaining."
>"Anon, your increased heart rate indicates that you are not being honest with me. For the crime of treason beneath the all seeing eye's of the God-King Obama, prepare for your punishment."
>enormous cast iron, studded, dildo appears from from Xbox One
>plead and beg to the machine to no avail
>try to escape but kinect detects my movements and anticipates my location
>forces my mouth open and begins water boarding me with gallons of seminal fluid
>6 year old sister walks into the room after being awoken from all the commotion
>"Halt! Unlicensed User detected! Purchase a Content License or face the consequences!"
>little sister begins to panic as she can't find her content license card, I try to scream out the number of my credit card to her so she can buy another but unable to choke out words in between waves of semen sprayed down my throat at jet speeds
>sister tries to run away but it's too late; Xbox's kinect beam cuts her head clean off before she can even make it out the door
>Xbox begins to laugh as her head rolls around the floor
>after hours of oral and anal torture, Xbox's reeducation program is finally complete
>Xbox notifies me that the bill for my sister's death and the reeducation was charged to my credit card
>"Oh yes Anon, today is June the 3rd, happy birthday"

[Anonymous No.3836191]

>>3836041
he tried to be as mean as possible to her because she cheated on him. It's immature, and considering the whole bit about "you drove me to cheat" line in her email it probably actually was his fault, it would line up with his sociopathic "ruin her life for revenge" behavior

having said all that, this is obviously a fantasy and invented by a scorned or cheated on anon that is constructing this "I hate you" scenario to make himself feel better at the imagined destruction of a human being. it's his hatred of his ex that spun all this off, and I'm assuming it has roots in a hatred for all women as do most revenge fantasies and 'slut shaming'

[Anonymous No.3836823]

>>3836072
the fact that it was about 10x as long as it needed to be didn't tip you off?

I kind of liked the whole /pol/ dystopia gimmick thing at first, but they have a very limited amount of tropes and they generally are literally just a bunch of racism/transphobia/misogyny/anti-liberalism etc told in a greentext format. It's like a 2013 version of Vonnegut's "Harrison Bergusson" except usually not very witty.

[Anonymous No.3836830]

>>3836191
I would wager that 90% of the greentext stories on 4chan are fantasies or daydreams of some type. The whole "this happened to me" thing is part of the suspension of disbelief.

[Anonymous No.3836852]

>>3836191
That's a pretty big reach.

[Anonymous No.3836883]

>>3836191
>he had the desire to take revenge on a girl who broke a pact of loyalty
>this means he hates all women

It isn't slut shaming either, by the way. More like broken trust shaming devolved into egomaniacal bullshit. Also kind of telling that you buy the girl's "you drove me to cheat" side of the story.

[Anonymous No.3836913]

>>3836830
They're more like nightmares than dreams. E.g. this one from the archived thread linked earlier:


>cute girl in my class called Kelly
>ask /r9k/'s advice on how to approach her
>they tell me to stop being a beta faggot and just walk up to her and ask her out
>I have no choice but to heed the advice of such seasoned lotharios
>get my hair cut, buy some new clothes, take two showers just to be sure
>as I'm walking out the door my mom says I look nice
>imbued with new found confidence, I swagger up to Kelly during lunch break
>"Hey, Kelly, I was wondering if you'd like to go on a date with me?"
>she lets out a snort of laughter and says, "what?!"
>"I-I just think you're pretty is a-all..." I mumble, my face flushing red
>"Speak up, nerd, I can't understand what you're saying!"
>"Will you be my girlfriend? Please respond!" I say too loudly
>she shoves me away and I fall to the floor, my head bouncing painfully off the concrete
>"Don't come near me you creep!" she screams, becoming hysterical now
>I begin to apologize but my voice comes out an almost inaudible choke
>some jock sprints over and asks what's wrong
>she just sobs and points at me
>he lurches forward at her command and starts stomping me like a roach
>a group of guys who had watched the whole ordeal join in, aiming their kicks at my face and crotch
>"Die, you fucking creep! Die!"

(tbc)

[Anonymous No.3836917]

>>3836913

>blood is fountaining from my facial orifices
>they flinch away from it and finally leave me alone
>Kelly swoons and plants a kiss right on the jock's mouth, "My hero!"
>they walk away and leave me convulsing on the floor
>a passing group of younger kids spit on me
>a teacher walks up and says, "Anon, get up at once! You're making a mess and class started 10 minutes ago!"
>he pulls me to my feet and drags me to my math class
>"So you've finally decided to join us!" Mr. Davies, my math teacher, quips
>"Since you're obviously so clever that you can just waltz in whenever you want, answer the question on the board for us"
>I cant read it because my glasses are broken
>"Ah, so you're not so smart after all, eh?" Mr. Davies says
>at that moment some guy pantses me, my underwear and all
>the whole class, including Mr. Davies, laugh uproariously at my penis
>"It's so small!" one girl shrieks
>my bladder releases in embarrassment
>the laughter turns into shouts of derision and people begin throwing things at me
>metal pencil sharpeners hit my face with such force that chunks of my flesh spray everywhere
>the principal walks in and notices my exposed penis and the puddle of piss on the floor
>he calls my parents in for a meeting at once to inform them that I'm being expelled
>he recounts the story of my misconduct
>my dad sighs
>"Why can't you be normal, son?"

[Anonymous No.3836977]

>>3836191
>'slut shaming'
Didn't know there are Feminist on /lit/, so is it true what /mu/ says? We actually have females?

[Anonymous No.3837015]

>>3836977
How long have you been on this board? On 4chan?
>T-there are girls on the internet!?

[Screwtape !!tdBUE9PLvpz No.3837058]

>>3836977
there's at least one feminist on /lit/

[Anonymous No.3837076]

>>3836977
Who gives a shit? Stop giving her attention

[Anonymous No.3837089]

>>3837058
>>3836977
>Didn't know there are Feminist on /lit/
If you haven't read at least Irigaray and Butler, you don't belong here.

[Anonymous No.3837753]

>>3837089
>>3837015
The /lit/ board page is pinned to my browser so when i open it up its the first page i see and i've been here for years but i always but it off as stan or some anon or /pol/ resident trying to start shit when i see these "feminist" shit.
There was a thread a few months back where they had you read passages just to hear your accent, pronunciation, enunciation etc etc. There were oddly PLENTY of female voices... turned out they just took girls vocaroo, they posters admitted this themselves but if we are all males... why are we periodically invaded by /mu/ asking us to be their qt smart gf?

[Anonymous No.3838227]

>>3830802

ouch

[Anonymous No.3838387]

>>3836823
>implying Harrison Begeron was witty

[Anonymous No.3838402]

>>3830814
God you're stupid.

>>3832660
>No real consequences.
Except getting hazed for the next 3 months probably just to get dropped towards the end.

[Anonymous No.3839673]

>>3835588
oh god i remember this

[Anonymous No.3839690]

>>3832747
christ

[Anonymous No.3839703]

>>3830777
it's beautiful

[Anonymous No.3839994]

>>3838402
>Except getting hazed for the next 3 months
Explain please are you army personnel?

[Anonymous No.3840267]

>>3834434
This story had promise, but went too far beyond satire, ending too seriously, and therefore I was unable to enjoy it
4/10

[Anonymous No.3841165]

>>3830328
I was like this a few years ago.

minus the religion thing

[Anonymous No.3841181]

>>3830321
wow

[Anonymous No.3841185]

>>3839994
Nope, former marine. IF he did that in boot, and that's a big if, he would get fucked with on a nonstop basis and probably have a di "assigned" to him. And in the end the co would probably just drop his ass for being mental unfit.

[Anonymous No.3841193]

>>3833563
>i started that thread

good times

[Anonymous No.3841230]

>Ctrl+F
>"only prettier and less slutty"
>No results
pls /lit/
/lit/ pls

[Anonymous No.3841295]

I can't remember exactly how it goes but it's something like

>be in English class
>today we're discussing Catcher in the Rye
>">Reading entry-level rubbish" I say through cupped hands
>">Twenty-twelve"
>Whole class looks at me
>etc.

Or some shit. It was golden.

[Anonymous No.3841339]

[Anonymous No.3841356]

Not a greentext but whatever.

I wrote you a story /lit/

It was a dark and stormy night. A young woman with really, really big boobs walked alone down a deserted street. She was clothed in a skimpy red dress with a low cut front that revealed her bountiful cleavage. Rain drops laced with salty tears ran down her face, smearing her mascara in an untidy, but sensual way, and dropped from her chin upon her extremely large, but not too large-just right-breasts. To a young man, peering on her out of a second story window, she might resemble the lead chick from the second Indiana Johns movie, except that she was hotter and had bigger boobs.
This pneumatic young woman went by the name of Natalie Portman. And the sad, lonely tears that rained down upon her enormous bosoms were the results of her futile search: the search for a good bf.
She had been searching this small, North Dakota city since the morning’s first light, but had not found a suitable suitor among the simple townsfolk worthy of her golden smile and milky mammaries.
Now she had given up her search completely, and was walking solemnly out from the heart of town and back to her home in California.

cont.

[Anonymous No.3841357]

>>3841356
As she walked she lost herself in thought. Her search had been long and hard, and had so far yielded no positive results save the strengthening of her tight, sensual leg muscles. Would she ever find a good bf? One worthy of her golden smile and milky mammaries? She felt abandoned, like Indiana Johns in The Temple of Doom when his plane was crashing and he had to escape on an inflatable life raft he used like a parachute.
Just as she was losing her last shreds of hope she saw from the corner of her eye a window, freshly illuminated in the misty night, and a masculine figure outlined therein. Who could this be? She thought. Is it fate calling me thither? Could this be the worthy bf I’ve searched so long and hard for?
cont..

[Anonymous No.3841358]

>>3841357
She began running at the thought, spurred on by desire to meet the figure in the window.
As she ran, moving swiftly toward destiny, she began to discern some of the man’s features. He was large, with roll upon roll of pale white marbling, loosely covered by a slayer t-shirt that was stained here and there but otherwise black as the night. Her heart leapt with joy behind her bouncing bust as she approached near enough to see the great mane like hair on the man’s neck. She scampered through bushes and over low fences with ever increasing speed seeking out the man like an animal in heat. And when she finally came to the lighted window, and the great figure looked out upon her, their eyes meeting, she almost fainted. He was clad in kingly purple lounge pants that were covered in ornate Fanta logos, and his glaze pierced her heart like a thousand Trojan spears.

[Anonymous No.3841360]

>>3841358
This was the one; she knew it as she looked upon his beauty spotted face.
The great man stared upon her breasts, and puzzled at what to do. Chivalry compelled him to open the window, and let her crawl inside where the mighty storm could no longer reach her, but his wit made him think twice. This could no doubt be some booby trap, like those faced by Indiana Jones and his sidekick, Short Round, in the second installment of Steven Spielberg’s epic trilogy. He almost turned his back on the woman, forsaking his destiny, but after staring into her puppy dog eyes and perky tits he decided that she must be an honest woman and he motioned to open the window.
At first chance, young busty Natalie leaped in through the opening and embraced the man like a long lost incestuous brother. She was so happy she wanted to scream, but the man’s pubescent voice boomed outwards in a low but powerful tone.
“Be quiet young one. For my parents are fast asleep, and these are not my chambers.”

cont.

[Anonymous No.3841361]

>>3841360
Natalie looked upon the great room in envy. In one corner sat a high oaken desk with a 32’ monitor on which overtly sexual anime characters danced and played. And directly across from this was a low miniature refrigerator, stocked to the brim with mountain dew, on top of which sat a large chalice of cheese balls.
“I’ve searched this country far and wide for a good bf, and have found no man worthy of my golden smile and milky mammaries until I laid mine eyes upon you.” Natalie started. “Please, be my bf and let me spend my days attending to your sweet desires.”
The man looked down upon her with a condescending smile and said.
“Oh the folly of youth! For love is naught but chemicals in your brain, young mistress, yet you still seek this animal gratification. You allow your mascara to smear in the rain, and let your dress ruffle in the wind like a child. If I was a generous man I would give you but a 2/10, and would not bang.”
Poor Natalie fell at his warm, socked feet and cried out to him.
“Oh great sir! Please let me tend to your desires, take my golden smile and milky mammaries as thine own!”

cont

[Anonymous No.3841363]

>>3841361
A wave of compassion passed over the man, and he smiled at her like a child as he lifted her chin with his finger.
“Do not worry my child; for I am not a generous man, I am even more! I am a compassionate atheistic man. Do you really think I, who fights daily and nightly online for the rights of the LGBT community, would not take pity on a young dove such as yourself?”
She looked up at him with wide, blowjob eyes, and a tear a joy streamed down her face.
“Come, young thing, let us lie upon my futon and engage in the pointless animal ritual of reproduction.”
She followed him willingly, and they lay there upon his mighty crust laden futon until the morning rays pierced through the window that had called her there, so softly in the night.

The End

By Stevenson's

[Anonymous No.3842157]

>>3841356
>>3841357
>>3841358
>>3841360
>>3841361
>>3841363


wow

[Anonymous No.3842520]

>>3830328

Fucking hell.

[Anonymous No.3842530]

>>3830779

Lel, even moot said it himself. /r9k/ is the uncontested king of greentext.

[Anonymous No.3842543]

>>3832743

Despite the fact it's a complete remake of a popular /v/ cap.

[Anonymous No.3842593]

>>3835049
I'm going to believe this is true.

[Anonymous No.3842658]

>>3827484
>NEET
>visit /lit/
>want Dostojevskij, recieve meme

[Anonymous No.3842674]

[Anonymous No.3842677]

>Take creative writing workshop.
>Class of ten with woman lecturer who starts talking about plot development and hero's journey.
>"Implying I read for plot," I shout through cupped hands.
>Class glares at me.
>"two thousand and thirteen,"I tell everyone
>Teacher tuts and starts discussing character development in Harry Potter.
>"Do you even read?" I shout. "Go back to mew"
>Ginger man to my left tells me to shut up.
>"I bet you haven't even read Ulysses or Dee-Eff-Double-You" I tell him
>Class starts shouting at me, asking me to leave. It was all that ginger man's fault.
>I turn back to him
>"Your filthy roach. I bet you read fifty shades and genre fiction."
>He stands up and tells me to get out.
>"No," I said. "I'm the only real reader here. I read for prose, you're just a fucking casual"
>He hit me right on the nose, the cartilage cracks, blood sprays over my desk.
>I get up and walk out, grinning to myself at how superior I am.
>Filthy roaches. I bet they're talking about Kerouac now.

[Anonymous No.3842681]

>>3842677
8/10

[Anonymous No.3842735]

>>3842677
"two thousand and thirteen" gets me every time.

[Anonymous No.3842750]

>>3835140
>I finished, and was whole in dust.
brilliant

[Anonymous No.3842798]

[Anonymous No.3842807]

[Anonymous No.3842858]

[Anonymous No.3843681]

>"man life is hard. nobody loves me"
>"yer a wizerd arry"
>"wow my life circumstances went from unfortunate to very fortunate but life is still so difficult"
>"my teacher is mean to me, I think he is a servant for the dark lord
>"im going to get the philosophers stone before he does"
>"oh wow silly me, Quirell never could have gotten the sorcerers stone because dumbledore protected it with powerful magic
>"looks like i fucked up and am going to die now"
>WOW MY MOMS MAGIC SAVED ME
>200 POINTS FOR GRYFINDOR
>GRYFINDOR WINS THE HOUSE CUP

[Anonymous No.3843697]

>>3835140
I used to like Wojak. Now he just brags about his gf all day.

[Anonymous No.3843749]

[Anonymous No.3843753]

[Anonymous No.3843769]

>>3843681
Yeah I really don't get why Dumbledore didn't just have the philosopher's stone destroyed in the first place.

[Anonymous No.3843780]

>>3843769
I'd assume that a stone that imbues its wielder with immortality would be pretty hard to destroy

[Anonymous No.3843797]

>>3843780
At the end of the book though he's just like "oh yeah while you were unconscious we had the stone destroyed".

[Anonymous No.3843828]

>>3843797
oh well, works perfectly for Rowling trying to put the pieces together and failing miserably

[Anonymous No.3844229]

[Anonymous No.3844240]

>>3844229

[Anonymous No.3844574]

>>3835242
family guy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pb9vGwIOvBk

[Anonymous No.3844923]

>>3827410
Although it isn't greentext, I come bearing possibly the most intricate and well-constructed thing to come out of /pol/ ever.

[Anonymous No.3844942]

>>3844923
Sounds like something you'd see in a comic on /d/.

N-not that I go to /d/ or anything.