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/lit/ - Literature

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3809057 No.3809057 [Reply] [Original]

Hey /lit/, some of you probably remember me from a few days ago, but for those of you that don't my name is Tim and I'm in the process of editing my new novel "Hero, A Tim Banks Chronicle". This book will be published in the fall and the sequels will proceed in the winter and summer seasons. I'm in need of some fresh eyes to point out my mistakes and in return hopefully you'll get some enjoyment out of the story. So far /lit/ has been incredibly helpful in helping me with the "show, don't tell" aspects of the book that I was neglecting and I'm eager to hear what you guys have to say next!

(When a person posts anything on a public internet forum it technically becomes "public domain" unless the author clearly expresses his or her intention to retain intellectual property rights. I intend to retain my intellectual property rights. "Hero, a Tim Banks Chronicle" and "Tim Banks" are both trademarks of Random House Publishing and to copy, distribute, or make this work available in any way not clearly expressed by the author is a federal crime. This includes but is not limited to, photocopying, posting on other internet forums, online sale, physical sale, print-to-sell techniques and unintentional plagiarism)

>> No.3809062

Chapter One

“What do you want from me?” I screamed as the taste of blood filled my mouth and tears stung my eyes

“Aww, look DJ the crybaby’s crying again, cry crybaby cry!”

I knew better than to get up, it was useless. These boys were twice as fast as I was and two years older than me. All I could do was curl into a ball and hope they’d get bored and leave.

“Look crybaby, there’s your little girlfriend” they said as one of the prettiest girls in the school walked past.

“Let’s give her a show”

They pulled off my pants and shirt and threw them into a nearby puddle of mud, leaving me stripped, humiliated and bruised for other boys and girls to laugh at as they walked into school.

“What should we do with him?”

“Let’s put his underwear on the flagpole”
“Nah, let’s leave him, I’m tired of playing with trash”

They collectively kicked me a few more times, spat on me, and rushed inside just as the bell rang.

>> No.3809066

I sat there crying for a few more minutes before I finally collected my clothes and got dressed, wiping as much of the mud off as I could.

Why did I have to go through this every day? I wish that for just one day I could feel like a normal kid. It seemed impossible to imagine that I’d ever have friends to sit with at lunch, that I’d ever meet a girl who liked me, or that I’d ever not be picked on for the way I looked.

I saw my reflection in a window of the school as I walked in. My hair was matted down with mud, my blue eyes reddened with tears, my eye was starting to swell and I knew there was a cut on the inside of my cheek. My entire body ached and I was shivering by the time I actually got to class.

I was chubbier kid, not like really fat, but kind of awkward looking. I constantly had red rings around my lips from constantly licking them and because of my asthma I would often have to wheeze or breathe out of my mouth. I knew that I looked weird compared to the kids around me but I never thought that people should hit each other over the way they looked.

>> No.3809071

For a long time the bullying would make me really angry and I would even try to fight back but after a while complacency took over and I was just sad. I tried talking to teachers and my parents even called the school but every time it happened the kids would just hate me more for getting them in to trouble.

A privilege to being me was I could pretty much do whatever I wanted and people would just write it off as the weird kid being weird. For example I could stare at a really pretty girl all class and not get called out for it. I could watch people eat their lunch from my own private table. I could say or do really strange things anytime I wanted and no one would think anything of it. I was the one exception to all the rules.

>> No.3809072

>>3809062
> tears stung my eyes

How do people always managed to choose the most cliche lexical verbs?

>> No.3809075

When I walked into the classroom a few kids turned around and chuckled at seeing me covered with mud and bruises. Any minute now the teacher would say “Mr. Banks you’re late.”

“Mr. Banks!” she said in a high pitched chirp “why are you late again?”

“Sorry… I slipped or something”

Next she’d make some remark about how clumsy I was and try to get class started without having to make a big deal about it.

“Well it’s not my fault you’re so clumsy. Now take your seat so we can get started.”

As I sat down the girl who was forced to sit next to me gave me a disgusted look and moved as far away from me as possible.

I gave her a smile to try to relieve tension, licked my lips out of nervousness, then buried my head in my arms and tried to think about anything else.

>> No.3809078

>>3809072
Pardon?

>> No.3809082

>>3809078
'stung' is very often used to describe weeping. I can think of at least 15 times Sidney uses it, five of which are in Astrophil and Stella.

>> No.3809081

Looking forward to see some responses!

>> No.3809085

>>3809075
High-pitched chirp. Redundant

>> No.3809088

>>3809082
Ah, suggestions for a replacement verb? Maybe moistened?
>>3809085
Indeed it is, thanks.

>> No.3809091

TAR quality at best.
OP, why you gotta front?

>> No.3809094

>>3809091
?

>> No.3809101

>>3809088
You don't have to use complex verb phrases. You could simply say 'I was crying'.

>> No.3809104

>>3809101
I suppose I could do. However almost the entire story is written in the past tense and I think that could be very confusing on the first page of a writing this... shallow.

>> No.3809106

>>3809104
The past progressive is still the past tense.

>> No.3809110

>>3809106
Oh I understand, that's why I know it could be done. I just think that particular sentence's structure would seem out of place when compared to the rest of the book.