/lit/ - Literature

[Anonymous No.3757046]

My dreams are left to boil on the rocks
and I'll lapse into its
froth like a white decay
By the sudden frivol of crepascule, lies.

[Anonymous No.3757060]

>My dreams are left to boil on the rocks
>and I'll lapse into its
>froth like a white decay
>By the sudden frivol of crepascule, lies.

My dreams are left to boil on the rocks
As l lapse in froth; its white decay
By sudden frivol of crepascule, here lie.

[Anonymous No.3757086]

>>3757060
damn. not bad.

But I meant "crepascule lies" as an irony...like a lie that reflects like sunlight off the stream and my hopes and dreams only remain this archiac memory.

still...your poem has much better structure than mine. I suppose I will always be stuck in the novice.

[Anonymous No.3757103]

>>3757046
>>3757086
You're trying too hard

[Anonymous No.3757193]

>>3757086
Anyway, what I did was merely tighten up the sentences and give it a little more structure.

If you read out loud you'll notice the obvious stuttering that comes about when you have

And i'll lapse into its (end)
Froth like a (never use like in poetry it's just bad) white decay

As I lapse in froth (pause) its white decay