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/lit/ - Literature

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3755358 No.3755358 [Reply] [Original]

Critique thread? Critique thread.

I don't know. I think I'm moving too fast.

http://pastebin.com/pYRq1tUz

>> No.3755386

bump

>> No.3755539

>>3755358
I liked it OP

>> No.3755549

http://pastebin.com/XQcD1h3m

The start of some kind of fantasy

>> No.3755553

>>3755358

moving fast is much better than moving than moving slow. If your actual plot is short, then you'll have a pretty short story, but that's the way it should be, otherwise people would get bored

>> No.3755575

>>3755358
http://pastebin.com/zXMgGbnP

Inspired by the crazy and bizarre sequences from Gravity's Rainbow, and the actual Rat Man

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rat_man

>> No.3755634

>>3755358

I like it, but I'd probably try to transition from the initial thought to you driving at night a little better...so there's fluidity.

>> No.3755937

bumpeventhoughit's/lit/

>> No.3755946

>>3755553
Tell that to Haruki Murakami

>> No.3755975

Giga-short story, coming in.
Just 1400 words.
http://pastebin.com/v6rZmkTi

>> No.3756035

>>3755358
Couldn't find anything interesting to latch onto so my eyes just kind of wandered around until I closed it

>>3755549
Feels immature and boring, not really sure how to describe the immature part, it just made me have a sense of not wanting to read it

I was almost wavering though, I was almost slightly interested in what was going on between the characters but the mention of a book and a spell and I couldn't keep interest, maybe something a little more surreal/unique would be good? It's your story though so write it as you want I guess.

>>3755975
You caught me for about a third of it but I quickly didn't care about the characters or their struggles, I guess the most interesting part of the story is the beginning of the conflict between the two characters but then it quickly fades out due to something boring in the speech or in the story, can't really elaborate. I guess I'd say it's an interesting setup but the tension isn't there and it's not vivid enough

>> No.3756050

>>3756035

thanks for the criticism at least, it was very constructive and useful

>> No.3756056

>>3755358
You did well. I like how the tension keeps rising, but then we get nothing. Would be interested in reading more.
>>3755549
Entire thing sounds like it was written by a ten year old. Fantasy is generally bad in my book, so that might just be me.

>> No.3756065

>>3756056

lol I was trying to write a sort of middle school type of story

>> No.3756071
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3756071

>>3756056
http://pastebin.com/Z2u2ZNnU

I don't even know why I'm doing this

>> No.3756075

>>3756056
>Fantasy is generally bad in my book
Go

Fuck

Yourself

>> No.3756097

>>3756075
Sorry man, just my opinion.
>>3756071
I like this, although there is a repetition of adjectives that I don't find too appealing. Otherwise it's good, but would be better if expanded into something longer. Zombie stuff is almost never good unless there's a shitton of action to it, because you can't fit much else into the scenario.

>> No.3756106

>>3756097
There's a shitton more, almost like a zombie pulp fiction, and I only say that because of the scenes not as an actual comparison, but just storytelling style, but they're all correlated. I.e. The doctor isnt a zombie in an earlier scene. If I use any repitition it's usually deliberate but if you want more let me know.

Literally wrote this off the top of my head one evening.

>> No.3756109

>>3756071
I found interesting parts to latch onto in the beginning and the whole thing went down fairly smoothly. It flowed nicely and generated enough interest to keep me going. However I do want to say that frankly zombies just aren't that interesting, they're not really surprising and they don't fill me with a sense of excitement at their very being that you'd get if you made a truly interesting original plot and conflict. I don't know if you're planning to continue on this so I'll just say it was well written and interesting, and you got some decent characterization going on

There were some kinks but they weren't huge, the biggest thing I'd say is use of things like "bellowed fiercely." If you've properly set up the dialogue and the scene usually things like that aren't necessary and we should be able to sort of hear the voice in our head our own way?

Not that I noticed it that much

>> No.3756110

>>3756106
post 'em.

>> No.3756123

>>3756110
guess ill go with the scene where the doctor is alive?

mind you, things aren't going to make sense, these are all just scenes of storylines for certain characters

enjoy

http://pastebin.com/RaAU7Xi6

>> No.3756254

a short story I'm working on at the moment

I'm torn between whether or not I like the slow and deliberate beginning when it's going to turn into a run for your life type scenario

http://pastebin.com/p23sABmB

>> No.3757111

>>3755575
Pls respond

>> No.3757134

>>3757111
yeah sure, if you respond here >>3756254

>> No.3757149

>>3755575
the ending was quite abrupt, and you had some confusing lack of punctuation at the end interspersed between action and thought

the entire thing can be summed up as a crazy man killed himself, nothing happened.

I think you should cut the last two paragraphs or so and continue the story from there

>> No.3757408

>>3757149
It's experimental stream of conciousness, pleb.

Just kidding. Yeah I will add more just wanted to provide a snippet

>> No.3757414

>>3757408
see>>3757134

>> No.3757418

Short story I wrote yesterday, considering writing more connected ones but as it is it stands alone.

http://pastebin.com/HbxP9HG7

>> No.3757437

>>3757418
I liked it. Might be better with actual dialogue, would have to see the comparison to know

>> No.3757687

>>3756254
>the cheap one
change/reword so it sounds better

>parents, they had

who had

>to feed them all and paying the rent on their home.

reword this, and paying sounds awk

>he burst out
eh, you could do better


>slit is throat

think you are missing an h there

>rather than traverse the main street

you could dumb down traverse, too much for what you're saying

---

All said, it's pretty good. I actually really like the environment. After the first paragraph you get a lot better. Maybe change his ID number as its a bit over the top

>> No.3757688

>>3757687
btw I am >>3755575

>> No.3757738

>>3757687
thanks, I'll look into the first paragraph again, but I'm hesitant to change his ID number because there is supposed to be upwards of a billion people living in the Sprawl, with a pretty high turnover rate so the total number of people born in the Sprawl, each of which would get a number, is ludicrously high

I suppose I should research how social security numbers are assigned, if that's public knowledge

also, his number is a 10 digit prime, and will get changed to a much lower 10 digit prime at the beginning of act two

>> No.3757741

Haiku time.
I am not living.
woooooo, wooooo, woooooo, wooo, woooooo, wooooo, woooooo,
are you scared yet?

>> No.3757745

>>3757738
>calling it The Sprawl
Jesus, what an original person you are.

that was sarcasm. Think up another name.

>> No.3757747

>>3757745
I don't mind it, it is a literal sprawl, so why not call it as it is?
Not original writer, btw.

>> No.3757750

>>3757745
it has a proper name and sector numbers and all that jazz, but to the people living in it, it's just endlessly sprawling ghetto over the Himalayans, so they call it the Himalayan Sprawl, it's just slang

does that help justify it?

>> No.3757757

>>3757750
>>3757747
I'm just saying that large cities have been called The Sprawl in pretty much half the works of sci-fi in the last 100 years.

Go for it if you want, it's a good name. But be aware that it's pretty much a cliche at this point.

>> No.3757781

>>3757757
hmm, this is a true point. Though, it is the only Sprawl in the world

hundred years prior, biological disaster, zombies, destroyed the world and everywhere had to find their own way to deal with it. The big population centers became EDEN and Cali Valley, the American walled cities, the Himalayan Sprawl for China and India sans where they nuked, and Castles throughout Europe.

I'm not naming every big city a sprawl

>> No.3757811

Im refined oscillating binary
confined grades defining me
beaten heat treated will defeated
die cast wont last role repeated
must have the competitive edge
please sir can I have another ritalin
why yes numb your mind like a good citizen
condition me to get rich and be the
absolute antithesis of free

>> No.3757834

>>3757781
That's even more common. I mean shit, even Dead Space 3 did it. If EA has already done one of your ideas then you know it's overplayed.

>> No.3757861

>>3757811
I like it.

>> No.3758333

bump`

>> No.3758401

Tetra and Adam walked side-by-side down sidewalks and streets filled with the excessive buzzing of neon and quick wooshing of aerial transports. Aerial crafts careened around building blocks with their low-end thrusters rumbling in a varied guttural warbles, and Tetra's tight ponytail would whip around behind her head in delayed unison with their passing overhead. It was late in the evening, and the cracked concrete and asphalt of the ground below was painted in multicolor by a vivid and varied arrangement of bright humming lights that adorned the entrances and walls of the buildings they passed by. Greens meshed chaotically with pinks and yellows and street lamps threw bright illumination up into the sky to guide airbound traffic. Upbeat conversations and hearty laughs from canopied terraces filled the claustrophobic confines of the streets they walked upon, and from on high above the pavement little boys and girls who had been put to bed peeked their small energetic heads out from overhanging balconies to catch a simple eye of the intoxicating energy that lay down below. Chilled autumn air filled Adam's nostrils with casual defiance amidst the warm heat of industry and the humid congregation of human bodies.

>> No.3758530

Some short story I wrote on the train.

I'm new to writing prose and just writing in general, so I guess feedback would be good.

http://pastebin.com/Ywn1D4E2

>> No.3758572

>>3758401
Might be me, but this is too much detail for just two people walking down the streets. All the sentences just feel tacked on artificially to describe it as if you want to make sure every single sense is covered. Here's what I'd do with it to make it a bit less of a drag to read.

>Tetra and Adam walked side-by-side down streets filled with the excessive buzzing of neon. Tetra's tight ponytail whipped around in delayed unison as aerial crafts careened around building blocks, their low-end thrusters rumbling in varied guttural warbles. It was late in the evening, and Adam's nostrils filled with chilled autumn air amidst the warm heat of industry and the humid congregation of human bodies. The cracked concrete and asphalt of the ground below was painted by a vivid and varied arrangement; greens meshed chaotically with pinks and yellows while street lamps threw bright illumination up into the sky to guide airbound traffic. Upbeat conversations and hearty laughs from canopied terraces filled the claustrophobic confines of the streets they walked upon, and from on high above the pavement little boys and girls who had been put to bed peeked their small energetic heads out from overhanging balconies to catch a simple eye of the intoxicating energy that lay down below.

Okay that's still not good, but I never open scenes with detailed descriptions of the environment, so I'd have no idea how to handle that. I usually just describe them as the story goes along, or leave them out completely if there's not a lot happening there.

This probably wasn't any help to you.

>> No.3758591

>>3755358
>http://pastebin.com/pYRq1tUz

Please, go easy on the semicolons.

>> No.3758625

>>3758572
Eh, I kinda figured it was a bit chaotic in its format. I was kind of going for that raw and intense sense of description without pulling the reader too out of the book. It's supposed to be kind of a noisy experience this walking down the street, and I was hoping the way I wrote it would give the reader that same feel. I get you though, I'll try and clean the thing up once I come back to it.

Thanks a load.

>> No.3758683

Here's something I wrote:

http://pastebin.com/awfY3k5b

I picked this one because I'm pretty bad at making conversations that doesn't sound like a plot dump. It's also nice and short so you won't have to read too much.

I'm just wondering if I need more detail in the environments or characters and actions? I leave them out on purpose because I don't want to slow the story down but I feel I might be overdoing it.

>> No.3758702

>>3758683
I had to reformat this to paste it properly, there's an Enter missing between line 29 and 30.

>> No.3758766

Southbound on a granite interstate, the cars and the sky stand still while the ground moves backwards. The windshield’s an Imax screen and my weary 3D eyes are giving me a headache. If I take them out and turn them around the whole world moves forward and the headache goes away. Perhaps I just miss the projectionists I never knew so I hold onto green signs and gasoline exploding a sixteen times a second six feet in front of me.

>> No.3758888

>>3758766
I like it.